Anterola, John Nathaniel D.

10/30/19
Sir. Leo Cortez. DFFD1B

10 Factors that Affected My Self-Esteem

o My Childhood and Society

1. It affected my self-esteem because during at that stage of my life that’s where I was
most innocent. With that innocence came in the factor of “colorism”. Growing up, I
didn’t really wonder why my skin color was different I just thought it was normal until
the family relatives and meeting new people came in with the narrow mindset I mean I
can’t blame them when Filipinos are culturally brainwashed with colonial mentality
with Western and Eastern beauty standards. They would always ask me “ano nangyari
sa iyo?” “bat ang puti ng kuya mo tas ikaw maitim?” and the way they said it was like
making me feel like it was my fault my skin color is brown that I chose it. They made
me feel like I was “adopted”.

2. How I move my body was also a big issue. When you thought colorism was the only
thing I endured when I was a child boy get ready for a ride. So on top of that they would
secretly tell it to my parents “bat ganyan gumalaw anak niyo, ang lambot?” then in
return my parents would tell it to me in an angrily matter. I tried to repressed my
feminity or effeminate body movement because my parents made me feel like moving
in that way is bad . Overall my childhood experiences was negative cause at a young
age I would say I was depressed, had suicide thoughts, and anxious.

3. Gradeschool (specifically. 4th grade to 6th grade) that’s the time where I experienced
being bullied again because of the same reasons. This is the time where my eating
disorder came that I lost appetite to eat and I just wanted to sleep the pain away, to
escape reality. I drastically lost a lot of weight which I have proof in my body with all
the unforgiving stretchmarks I have.

o Media

4. With the cross abundant of commercials seen on television, radio, etc. Also showed the
idea of colorism through advertisements like gluta, skin whitening products, kojic
papaya, etc. They used mixed people who are naturally white to advertise their product
to fit the standards of the beauty industry.

o Belief Systems

5. When my religion belief system put me in a position of feeling as if I was perpetually

sinning, it can be similar to the experience of living with a disapproving authority
 figure. Whether judgment is emanating from authority figures or from an established
belief system in my life, it can evoke shame, guilt, conflict and self-loathing. Many
structured belief systems offer two paths: one that’s all good and one that’s all bad.
When I inevitably fall in the abyss between the two, I end up feeling confused, wrong,
disoriented, shameful, fake, and disappointed with myself over and over again. With
that that’s why I never pushed through with suicide because of the toxic mentality that
when you kill yourself you go to hell for it which I didn’t want, I love what Jesus did
but toxic fanclub.

o Beauty (Skin)

6. Then highschool came into the picture, in 7th grade that’s where puberty started for me
at the age of 12 years old, I had acne which is one of the worst feelings in the world
because it made me feel ugly than I already am. I’m still insecure with my acne I blame
both of my parent’s genes (sorry but it true I got the “best of both worlds”). It spread
throughout my body that bad I had to go see the dermatologists which looking back
based on the videos and research I’ve done was probably not the best treatments cause
some doctors usually gave out expensive medicines which has like bad ingredients for
the body or skin but does the job anyways.

7. But it also helped me gain confidence when I started to clear up and not break out as
much. I could see the changes with how people looked at me and especially how my
skin looks and now I have my own routine for my skin.

o Friends

8. When I asked advices from my friends about how do I become confident or boost my
self-esteem because they used to feel like how I did and they “glow up” personality or
attitude wise because of that boost.

9. Of course it didn’t happen overnight and that at first, I didn’t fully applied the advices
that they gave me cause again had low self-esteem and wasn’t that “open” or out to the
public only to my family and close friends. Until my one friend outed me, I was so
furious because I am not that open with my sexuality that made my batchmates shock
(even though they had hunches before), then my ex-friend used my secret against me
by telling others my guy crush which spread so fast that the whole batch was again
surprised.

10. That’s when I really understood the advices that my friends gave and applied it that I
don’t care anymore about what unimportant people think of me as long as I am happy
and aren’t hurting nobody that’s good enough for me because of that most of my friends
noticed that a sudden change in my self-esteem and that I glowed up. After all that I
went through it was all worth the pain because I gained my confidence.