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BoundariesToolkin BestDecadeEver PDF
BoundariesToolkin BestDecadeEver PDF
BoundariesToolkin BestDecadeEver PDF
decade
evertoolkit #3
boundaries 101
Simply put, boundaries are rules that you set for the people in your life
and how they treat you and guide how you respond when someone breaks
those rules. Every personal relationship needs some form of boundaries to
be healthy, including friends and family, work, and even with yourself.
When you don’t set boundaries, you’re more likely to be codependent on other
people because you’re seeking that validation. You’re also more likely to push
past other’s personal boundaries, even if you don’t mean to.
Boundaries are absolutely critical for your sense of self worth and to have
healthy relationships. When you set personal boundaries, you’re proving to
yourself, through action, that you and your needs matter.
Some are easier and feel much more natural to set than others. It’s much
harder when someone in your life repeatedly acts in ways that make you
uncomfortable, upset, or feel pressured, especially if it’s someone you love.
I’m going to give you some tough love right now: when you don’t speak up,
and you let their behavior go, you’re allowing it.
It’s time for a powerful mindset switch: you train people how to treat you.
The only way you can change how people treat you is by speaking up. If
they treat you like crap, you need to tell them. This is where boundaries
come in.
Boundaries are personal and different for everyone. They’re flexible and can
change and grow over time as you do. Here’s some examples of what they
might look like:
• You don’t go to the bar with your friends anymore and suggest other
activities
• You say no when someone asks you to take on a project you don’t have
time for, even if they try to guilt you into it
• You remove yourself from the conversation when someone says something
intentionally hurtful
• You say no to lending someone money you don’t have
• You don’t overshare with people you don’t know well or don’t feel safe
around
Some boundaries can be more rigid, like not tolerating your spouse berating
you for forgetting to do the dishes. Some can be more flexible-- for example if
you don’t generally work on the weekends but there’s a huge project coming
up and your team needs you, you can be flexible. It comes down to what you
are comfortable with.
Though they can sometimes sound similar, boundaries are not ultimatums.
The key difference between them is that ultimatums come from a place of want-
ing to control another person, and boundaries come from a place of respecting
and loving yourself. Ultimatums tend to come from a place of anger and are
given without a conversation.
However you decide to communicate, there’s a few things that are necessary
to set boundaries effectively:
f e e l i n g g u i lt y ?
Guilt can be a major side effect when you first start setting boundaries, espe-
cially if the people in your life don’t respect them. The most important thing
for you to remember is this: standing up for yourself doesn’t make you mean
or difficult or selfish.
If someone is trying to guilt trip you, you don’t have to buy a ticket. It only
works when you allow it to affect you. The truth is, it has nothing to do with
you and everything about the other person.
Chances are, there’s going to be someone who pushes back against you set-
ting boundaries. They might say things like: “You’re too sensitive!” or “Come
on, it was just a joke!” or “You always used to do it!” or “I was just sharing my
opinion. It’s not a big deal”
Sometimes, no matter how hard you try, the relationship isn’t salvageable.
This applies no matter what you’ve gone through together, how long you’ve
known each other, if you’re married, or if you’re related.
• Your other friends and family don’t like or trust this person.
• They always talk about themselves and never ask about you.
boundary planner
It’s time to think about what boundaries you want to set, who you want to set
them with, and how you want to set them. At first, setting boundaries is really
hard. You might feel guilty or have no idea where to start or feel like you’re
doing the wrong thing. That’s why you’re going to create a plan to go back to.
There’s no right or wrong amount of boundaries to set. This is all about you
and your needs. You can use this template over and over again by printing
out this sheet or using your own notebook.
First, acknowledge the areas of your life that need boundaries. They can be
general, refer to a specific relationship, or be situations you often find yourself
in. If you’re feeling lost, look back at the “when do you need them” section
and write down what makes you feel those ways.
Start small by choosing just one boundary to set. This takes practice, and by
starting small you’ll be able to build up your confidence.
s i t u at i o n :
h o w d o e s t h i s m a k e yo u f e e l?
W h at w o u l d yo u l i k e t o c h a n g e a b o u t t h i s s i t u at i o n ?
a W h at b o u n d a ry d o yo u n e e d t o s e t t o
c h a n g e t h e s i t u at i o n ?
a W h at c o n s e q u e n c e s a r e yo u w i l l i n g t o f o l l o w
through on if someone doesn’t respect it?
Use the conversation planner on the next page using your answer above.
If you’re feeling stuck, look at two examples on the next page.
I see her.
W h y i s i t i m p o r ta n t t o yo u ?
I a m self consciou s a bout my weight a n d doi ng everythi ng
example
s i t u at i o n :
My frien d only rea che s out to me when they n eed so methi ng a n d
ign ore s me otherwise. She ma ke s me feel gu ilty if I ca n’t help her.
I u su a lly en d u p cavi ng.
h o w d o e s t h i s m a k e yo u f e e l?
I feel u sed, ta ken for gra nted, a n d like ou r frien dship doe sn’t
matter. I a lso feel re sentfu l.
W h at w o u l d yo u l i k e t o c h a n g e a b o u t t h i s s i t u at i o n ?
I wa nt the gu ilt trips to en d.
W h y i s i t i m p o r ta n t t o yo u ?
I de serve su pportive a n d hea lthy frien dships. I ca n sa y n o for
a ny rea son without feeli ng pre ssu red.
a W h at c o n s e q u e n c e s a r e yo u w i l l i n g t o f o l l o w
through on if someone doesn’t respect it?
If she keeps tryi ng to ma ke me feel gu ilty, I will n o longer enga ge
i n the conversation. If she doe sn’t ma ke a n e ffort to rea ch out to
me, I will put th at en erg y i nto other frien dships.
I a m g o i n g t o a d d r e s s i t w i t h a c o n v e r s at i o n o r
s i t u a t i o n a l ly
I wa nt to ta lk to you a bout so methi ng th at is i mporta nt to me i n
ou r frien dship. T here a re ti me s when I n eed to sa y n o when you
a sk for a favor, but I feel pre ssu red to sa y ye s. It ma ke s me feel
ta ken for gra nted a n d re sentfu l for ta ki ng on thi ngs I ca n’t. T he