MODELS ATTRACT WOMEN THROUGH HONESTY Models ATTRACT WOMEN THROUGH HONESTY Copyright 20r-2016 Mark Manson All Rights Reserved ‘ESHEUAREEHSHIR o- electronic. including photocopying and rec information storage and retrieval syater, without permission in wr publisher Requerts for permission for or farther information on usage ofthis document should bbe addressed to: mark@markmanson net Legal Notice ‘The Purchaser or Reader ofthis publication ascumes responsibily forthe use of ‘hace material and information. Adherence to all applicable awe and regulations, federal, state, and local. or any other jurisdiction is the sole responsibilty of he Purchaser or Render‘The Author and Publisher assume no responsibil behalf of any Purchaser ot Reader Fosewotd to the Revised Edition ‘Any perceived sights of specific people or organizations are urintentional.losing 2Foreword to the Revised Edition In Apel 201, 3 cramped and horribly overpriced hetel room in London, I began the outline fora dating advice book Fr anyane wha has red to write a hook they know that starting it x the most daunt ing par. There were so many considerations, so many ideas, so many goals and ambitions. And for 3 few days, | was paralyzed with ll ofthe potenti But | soon decided to limit myselfto one specif sim. | asked myself, What book deo | wish | would have ead when | was single and struggling in my dating life? IF hed only read one book, what do | wish t had told me?” [As the weeks wert by, it turned out that | wished it had told me a lot. The book spilled out of me in a somevhat involuntary manner, a kied of intellectual vomit. | was touring Europe, giving tals and coaching ive at the time, and I would aften fin ich up a session with acliant or do a QBA with a small audience and immediate +0-my hots r20n to jot some ofthe ideas that had spewed out of my mouth into the looning book cided early on that I wanted to make the book different styjistically | had read prety much every other dating advice book on the market and thought mast of ‘them wore garbage. | already knew the cote ideas of this book were going to be of ferent ~ deeper more person, more emotional Gut | also wanted the style ofthe book to be diferent. Pethaps Iwas up my own ass with selFimportance, but | wanted to give ita bit more ofa Inerary alc | wanted the beauty and joy ofthe dating expe- rience to come across inthe writing itself didn’ just want to lay out step-by-step plans and information to be memorized, | wanted to move the reader since after the whole point ofthe books that dating and romance is about just thet yourself to be moved, bth emotionally and physical | wrote the boo in lets than thres months. Wet efit wae writen in hotel roars ang ‘apartments across Europe: First London, then Brito, then Prague, then St Pe ly fished in Budapest version ofthe book was long and sloppy: 366 pages, with at least that many and twas ‘pos, grammatial errors, and dumb tangents. At the time, my aspirations were fay pedestrian | wanted to be able to make some croney online without having to phys! cally be in one spot, as almost four years of constant travel todo the coaching thing was wearing on me. ut alzo wanted to get my ideas out into the world and hopefully make dent in the ating advice industry since, atthe time, fet that what | had te say wae quite dif ferent fiom the vast majority of toxic "Pick Up" advice that was being taught to men “The book came out on July 38, 201 was selfpublished through Amazon and my coum eabste. That first month it only sold a few hundred copies ~ mostly blog read crs and former clients of mine. Many of them reported to me many of the rnistakes| and helped me leased soon after By the fl ‘over the proceeding weeks and a few small updates were re that year, [elt good that it was out there and people kod it and eo0n moved on to other project But asthe months rolled on, the book began to take on a life ofits own. With ne mar keting. no publicity, no promotion, and e shitty cover | made myself in Photoshop, the boots sales grew exponentially each month. Like a rind vius, infecting people's brains go thet they could move on and infact others, men began rezommending ite ‘heir fiends, and then their fiends recommended it to ther fiends, and soon their lends frends were buying it for thes brothers ard cousins and even newly divorced‘fathers and uncles. It was soan being recommended on websites and forums £0 rch that | began to get emails asking me to stop spamming. But | wasn't spam ring. I wasn't doing anything twas simply the readers fy esry 2ova, te my plassant surprice, | vse earning enough to make 2 living a2 30 author. So | quit coaching and focused solely on my writing. That same surnmer | also gave the baok its a desig chopped about so ofthe more pedantic and excessive pages. | simplified some ofthe ‘terms and theories and tied to make them mare reader friendly. What | consider the fist professional version of Models was released in August of 2012 From there the book went on to became the highest selling men's dating advice book for years ata time, outseling mainstays such as Neil Stauss’s The Game and Eric Von Markovil’s The Mystery Method, ften even autsaling mast women's dating a ‘vice books, which is kind of unheard of in tre industry. it was a perennial besecler in the category on Amazon and has actually ceached int where mary popular men's dating advice forums and sites ors” note in their FAQs or sidabars. By 2015, | felt as though vee Fished wth the book | was ready 20 move on. | wos preparing to relaunch my site and start writing articles for both genders with topics With a *vead this before asking any ques- ranging from personal peychology tothe cultural effects of smartphones and news: ‘feeds. was leaving dating advice Behind for good, ‘Over the next two years, my site's popularity exploded. Over 20 milion people tead it lone. Yet Models has always persisted, alvays there in the background. Al hrobbing reminder of where I came from, as wall as the virue of taking a risk and seeing where it led me Because, most people don't realize thie now, but Medels was 2 huge risk when it See, back in 200, few pieces f dating or relationship advice talked about blunt hon ‘ety, about accepting rejection or even polarizing people for negative responses. Vul- rnerablity was considered 2 vulger word among most men and anything that didn't {gt you laid as soon as possible was often deemed point even worse, being — ‘And, god forbid, you tll about emotions or trauma or feelings of inadequacy. Like re aly, who the fuck wants to hear about that, you pussy? Go approach more! But | had known from working wth hundteds of men around the world that most of their dating problems had litle te do with “knowing whats» say” or tac to get women to sleep with them sooner The vast majority ofthese men’s problems were infetior and inadequate around women. They came ftom men who were seated to look reality in the eye and stil smile, | knew winen | put these pages together that they were either going te cevame mach ‘of the industy or they wre gaing to be laughed off the Amazon sales page and I'd ‘s00n go get a day jb. But today. I'm happy to say that much of the men's dating advice industry has fl lowed suit and is naw extaling the vines of honest expression, of finding courage and confdence through rman rather than simply ape and investing oneself into becoming a bettor as though you're a better man. Sometimes | get emails from readers who send me videos or passages fram otherdating advice companies or coaches, who five years ago were the king ofthe douch os, who uced to wear ridiculous outfits and give “advice” such 2s whipping out your cock in public and screaming nonsense at women. Now, many of these men ete preaching the virtues of ly and respecting women's desires as well ax your ou. Often the reader wil ask me, *Thie guy is ripping you off, dows this pies you of" And actualy it doesn't It makes me happy and proud. | was bom in Texas and we have a tendency to pratle on about eurselves (FF you Imagine me sitting on a porch sipping a can of cheap beer with 2 shotgun strewn across my lap, that's about hove writing all of this Fels), s0 probably wondering, “What the hel revision and why di you da #2" fo the chase here and answer what you s with the latest ‘This latest revision comes on the end of fishing 2 new book to be published in locked back through Models and once again felt feel good 2016. Upon completing that book, that it as in need of an update, particularly inthe writing department. bout the core ideas and advice ofthe book. But in the four years since | last touched it, my writing has improved by leaps and bounds and my expl ive ablities have grown. So, once aguin, l combed through the teat concepts were clarified, advice was reuorded to be more precise, and excessive nonsense was trimmed or removed en- tirly The version of Medel that you are reading right now iste clearest, mest con cise, and therefore, ike the most powerful version to date. 'm confident in that. For elder readers, changes inclu: (THE ORIGINAL TERM FROM THE FIRST VERSION). | PUT “TRUE CONFIDENCE’ IN THE SECOND VERSION OF THE BOOK BECAUSE 1 THOUGHT THAT IT WAS MORE DIGESTIBLE TO THE AVERAGE READER. IN HINDSIGHT, I THINK IT’S JUST 4 VAGUE AND "FEEL GOOD" TERM. | ALWAYS LIKED (AND MOST READERS STILL PRE. FER) THE ORIGINAL TERM THAT I TOTALLY MADE UP OUT OF THIN AIR: NON-NEEDINESS, THIS TERM HAS BEEN RE-INSTATED ALONG WITH ADDED EXPLANATION OF WHERE IT CAME FROM. CHANGING ‘FALSE CONFIDENCE’ TO NARCISSISM. NARCISSISM IS A NEW TERM ENTIRELY FOR THE BOOK AND ONE THAT | THINK IS. NARCISSISM IN MOST CASES. BEING MORE EXPLICIT ABOUT THE IDEAS OF CONSENT, RECOG NIZING AND RESPONDING TO HOW WOMEN FEEL, AND S&S! CALLY TREATING THEM LIKE PEOPLE ANO NOT OBJECTS. THIS WAS EXPLICIT ABOUT THIS. THIS IS A BOOK ABOUT PEOPLE SPEAKING AND RELATING TO OTHER PEOPLE, NOT OBTAINING OBJECTS ORDELETED ABOUT 30 PACES OF UNNECESSARY TANGENTIAL STUFF, IVE EXPLANATIONS, AND JUST LONG, RAMBLY WRITING IN IFyoutre new to the bock don't worry about the changes. just dive right into it IF you're an older reader, then the frst few chapters and the last few are the ones with the most added/changed, while Chapter 8 (formerly 9) i the one with the mast re moved. In the end, akhough existing ina genre thats considered by most to bea joke, tm in credibly proud ofthis book. Net only did i birth me a career doing what | ove, but | ‘eel 2s though t took my widest aspirations when | wrote it and surpassed ther with cose Most books die of afer» couple years, but M Js continues to chug along. = resilient and polarizing ard vulnerable 2s ever, changing the lives of men in its wale (Or atleast, that's what like to nyse [And for most ofthat success, | have nobody to thank but you: the returning readers, the people who read the book and shared it with their friends or recommended it on websites, the people who bought Ave copies ard gave it to their Friends and Family members. Without your enthusiasm and support for the ideas here, especially early on, they would likely have been last tthe cesspoo! of flled self-published books on Amazon. So te you, thank you. Mar Mongon December 28th, 2015 A Quick Note to Female and LGBT Readers Tre popularity of Models has Brough it 10 the attention of a number of people that the bock wae not originally conceptualized and written for A number of single ‘women, as well as gay, lesbian, bi, and trans people have emailed me over the years ssking ifthe book's concepts apply fo them, At first, this surprised me, And then what surpised me moce is that a5 | went ‘through the concepts in the book, | realized thatthe answer was a resounding ‘yee these concepts apply to everyone. Although there area few caveats ‘The core pnnciples ofthe Book ~ Nom Neediness (Chapter), Vulnerability (Chapters 23), Unconditionality (Chapter 3), Polarization and Rejection (Chapters ¢-6). Demo- sraphics ( Chapter 7), Overcoming Shame and Anaiaty (Chapters gra), and Inten= sions (Chapter = apply to all human beings, regardless of gander, orientation, genitalia or whatever ‘The parts ofthe book that wor't directly apply are a numberof the specific examples and implementations of these core principles. For example, in mest cultures, men are expected to initiate in almost every phase of courtship, therefore, the ansieties they face (Chapters go), the challenges with vulnerability they wll confront (Chap- er) and 20 on, will look a tle bie diferent than they would for 3 hetere weran or someone of anather orientation AAs long as you keep this in mind a8 you move throughout the bool and attempt to apply the core principles to your ovm d 1, you should be fine. Vornen fy a ‘yall Lesbians must learn to look ate intentions behing their communication rather ing situ like men, must polarize Gay men must work on thei neediness and wilthan communication itself But because the book ws male oudience, the examples and specific pinces of advice given are [A number of female readers have requested that | write 2 female version of Models and thats something! might do one day. Butin the meantime, thsi all we've got. ‘Ae a final note, he only Chapters that | feel are primarily written forthe hetero male situation are Chapters 8 and 14. Other readers wil ind these chapters the leat rele- vant. The Introduction (which begins on the rest page) ie also largaly oriented to- wards hetero men and discusses modern-day masculinity So feel fre to skip it and {0 stright t0 Chapter Introduction: Movement In our postindustral, postfeminist word, ifs not as clear as it used to be what a man is or what he should be. Centuties ago, a man’s duty wae power and protection. Decades ago, it was to work and provide. But now? We're not quite sure. We are i- ther the frst or second gonaration of men to grow up without a clear definition of what our social roles are supposed to be and without 2 model of what it i to be strong and arvactiv This book's goa isto provide that model. to provide a model ef what being an attrac: tive man of integrity and maturity [cots like in the 21% century. That means going. past the standards of protector and provider, of strength and stoieism, and improw- Jing ourselves into something bigger and better, something more admirable and desirable. Ten years ago, when | rst began helping men improve ther relationships with women, I had no idea the rabbit hole af infarmation and selFimprovement | was about ta go down, bath for myself and for others. At Jn my dating life revolved around which drink specials were going on that Thursday eve, the primary concerns right and which one ofthe fue Jennas in my phone was the one | met last weekend Ie wagn't unl | e2t down and tied 10 get other men tothe point where they had five Jennas in their phone that I had a alimpse of the profundity and underdevelopment of most men's emotional and sexual werlé and how difficult ie to inpite a genuine ‘movement within them to open up that word idsight, getting myselfto that point ssems easy now by com Growing up, I had alrnys Been somewhat ofan avernge guy, although | had litle ck 1 won't,with the ladies. Then in 2005, afer being chested on and lei by my frst love, I was emotionally di ‘aught and slightly traumatized. | baceme obsessive. A desperate nec for validation and affection fom wornen arose within me and I spent an inordinate amourt oftime pursuing that validation and affection, far more than most men ever de. | evercom Pensated and soon became driven to sleep with every girl in the Boston ares who ‘would let me anywhere reer her This went on for litle more thar three years My plan wasn’ sophisticated. Really, | read a couple Books with pick up lines and techniques and went out to bars 4-5 nights a week — approaching. firing and failing, pushing and pulling fucking and foundering for those 35 glorious months of expen mentation Iwas selFindulgent Butt as atime of growth and a time of movernert But » couple of years and a few dozen wore lain, two things happened. First, 1 ing. And it ‘wasn't exactly affecting the other areas of my life in 2 healthy manner. | had to back began to realize that rampant drunken sox was fun, but not very fu up and evaluate mysef to question why I as sacrificing so much time and effort for superficial pleasures. The second thing that happened was | grew a reputation locally for my exploits. Soon men whom | had never mat were emailing me asking if they could come hang out ‘with me, to 268 how interacted vith waren, ta wateh me “in action” It wae weird st first. But then | decided, cure, why not, just buy my drinks or pay me a bit on the side. ‘And strange | fal lke that’ where the real journey began. Te ty and model the internal movement, the opening of those emotional words, that burgeoning ofa new confidence that had been occurring within myself, and then replicate itn other men They say ifyou want to master something, teach it And thi second journey tended up being far more educational than the Fre. When | want out for myzef wae a5), Halfthe time Iwas going out to lose myself to bury my emotions and hopefully wake up in the arms of a stranger Sometimes it worked. Sometimes it didn't. And thats knew. itunto ether men and then get them to doit This led me in a winding, twisted path. It began with entries into and exits out ofthe so-called "Pick Up Artist” community. | ratearched social psychology, theories be hind attraction, histori pies on human sexuality went on strip club binges, read sand tought books on NLP and cogritive therapy, attended various selfhelp semi 1 few myself, shared hotel cooms with runway models, experimented with touch healing and had a few alternative therapy mishaps, engaged in gender arguments with ‘feminists, and read every crappy dating book on the market. [As I learned and grew, the coaching grew. What began 2s a sideshow hobby turned and af into a business me business at that It soon took me to more than to dozen cities across Americ then to countries in Europe, to E and [even took fel! trips ax far ax Argent where I discovered that much of what | had previously assumed about men and women was merely cultural and not universal twas a period of immense education and drive, where | made a clear point to rot let ry thinking be confined by any previous model or paradigm about masculinity orrale/female seuality. ‘And afer all ofthat, over ton enriching and challenging years, this is what I've come back with There ae two movements oxcurring night now. The first one is a greater social and emotional movement in western culture. There's «call for # new masculinity that’s been lacking for generations now There's been void of what men are, what theyre supposed to be, how they're supposed to behave, ‘and until now ne one has moved to fl thet void it overly ambitious, but this book aims to fill that void, to help create the future © behavior — models tobe attractive, powerful and in contol of ‘onships with women and with your life in gener “The second movernent is happening within you personally I's an emotional and psy- chological movement You'e reading this because you want to change. You want to change your ions and relationships with the women in your life. You want these relationships ta improve. You want these relationships te be abundant. You want to feel confident and empowered around women, both those you know and those you don’t naw but want fo meet. You want to feel in control of your relalion= ships with them. You want to be sexual with women without shame or hesitation of egret or pain “This second movement is an internal movement. It took me a long time to come ta ripe with that. Altnough thie second movement often begine by changing outer behavior and results in a change of outer behavior — what you say, what you wast how you move — the pracess itself fs an internal one, a shift in priorities and sel perception, which is then reflected in one's social and romantic Because when you change your beliefs and mindsets, the behavior fllows. This book is designed to guide you through that intemal movement. The larger socal ‘movement is merely a backdrop and is only brief explained to give context to your curtent situation. Your fllures with women aren't caused because you aay the wrong ‘thing or look like the wrong guy. lords and appearances are merely 2 aymptom of 2 greater internal problem YYour failures happen because you grew up emotionally ill equipped to deal with women, and more specifically, intimacy. The words you say and looks you have are ity ly understanding how to stand, how to talk, how to 's deeper then that This is about This isn’t just abo behave. This ian intellects faking it until you make ually processing the ideas that ccaune your emotions to shifl, which then leed to permanent and unconscious changes that iranform you inte the attra: tive male you canbe. This is that howto guide This book aims to arm you with the ideas and values that wal form that emational foundation you never received in adolescence, to present the masculine model you and | mised out on, ‘And once you begin ths intetnal shift, you'll find that the social ations — saying the ight thing, knowing when ta go for the kiss, knowing haw to approach a woman, et. — they sil begin to fill inte place, and fll into place in a rove profound and powerful way than simply memorizing some lines or following some sort of arbitrary procedure The beginning of this book is very theoretical. I's the big picture stuf do thisbecause I think is important to lay 2 foundation to explain the realities of ataction, gender behavior, and what determines your value on the dating market as 8 man. As the book goss on though, it becomes more technical and specif, slowly honing in fon necessary actions and habits. | believe it's important to explain why you should do certain actions and behaviors before asking you te do then, Part isan honest look a female attraction based on scientific resenrcs and the rel iste consequences ofthat research in moder life Par Il is an overview ofthe dating strategy thst | recommend to all men who come to se for help. The ‘the ones most receptive to your identity a5 soon as possible. We also address rejec rtegy focuses on polarizing reactions from women to screen for tion and howto useitto your advantage rather than le it hinder you ‘This ie a realty based strategy, not bared on fartaces or the fivaltee of wanting to sleep with every woman you met or dating a “perfect 10” by coming up with seripts of pickup ines. These desies ae rooted in insecurity and shoul stay where they be- long in your dreams. Rather Paris» long-term strategy built to take » man front no women in my life” to * as uichly ws possible, with a litle efor ae possible Par Ili the fist part of our stratagy and covers the fst of the Three Fundamentals ts of amazing women in my Isid out in Chapter 6, building an enjoyable fertile and becoming an atractve man “The steps laid out inthis part willbe specific but will be long-term goals with long: ‘orm benefit, Part IV covers developing courage and becoming # man af action. Men are expected 1 initiate in all phases of courtship (the reasons why are explained in Part 1) and, ‘therefore, a man otha is hesitant, ansious or afraid of initiating ot gat very far ith most women. The advice laid out inthis step will require diligence but provide real and lasting change to those wiling to dedicate themselves. These steps are medi Lum-erm goals with medium-sem benefits Finally, Pare atvactive, more openly, and mote sexually The steps laid out inthis section should Lover the nuts and bolts oF communicating more eFectvel, more hinve mediate, shortterm benefits. [My goal isto provide you with in-depth perspective into yout emotions 2nd how you ‘operate while also giving you practical processes fo improving yourself and achiow ing your goals you're looking for 2 book fll of “say this line and shen execute touch plan X4Z 3." then you're going t9 be disappointed, and not ony with this book, you're going to be isappointed with every book that gives advice like chat because they are band-aid solutions Until you learn to twst your own actions ond lear to pursue women vith your own Unique syle ord personality, you have leamed absolutely nothing ‘This book aims to give you your fist teal education on women and attraction, the education you should have received a long te ago, rom a number of sources but ever did ‘And I'l give you 3 fre previews tha litle to nothing to do with what you'te saying. It hes everthing todo with bod), expression, emation, and movement ‘A couple years age | was in Argentina. There | made one ofthe most important dis 1s by herself She looked upset. And when | approached her, she didn't get any happier She didn't ovaries in all of my time ding this. I amv 2 gil ata cl speek Engl and | barely spoke any Spanish at the time, She didn't want to danceland seemed uninterested in taking. She seemed shy and alao, like something dis: tant invisible was occupying her and despite her best efforts, she didn't know how to uunburden heres of Eventually, through some tenacity | got har to dance, and then to smile, And what discovered over the nest weele wins how unnecessary words actually are when ‘comes to seduction. [As she and | danced, we touched and played. | played hand games with her, rwirled her, made funny faces ard communicated sith fake sign language. | held her, ca- ressed her and touched her hair: We drew pictures on napkins for each other. When put my arm atound her and she leaned into me it spoke more than 1,000 conver. ‘sations, We moved and #8 that movernent drove us closer together physically, we ‘came together emotionally until they were one and the same and we came. 1 wrote, “What you do speaks so loudly | cannot hear what you 533" the interplay of emotions. Your movement, or lack of movernent, reflects land alters emotions, not the words. Words are the side effect See isthe side effect ‘The game is emotions, emotions through movement. If you learn anything from this book, lt thas be i ‘Our culture has became stationary. We spend aur time sitting behind desks, behind like we used to ane we don’ fee ike we used te invite you and hopefully inepire you to move. Te get sereens, and in cars. We dor (Over the course ofthe boo! up out ofthat chair, to go outside, to dae to Fel, to experiment and to connect. This will involve getting off your ass, but that’s 9 good thing. And I wll help you with thet. ‘And ifyou promise to move, then | promise change. Slowly, your looks will charge, your worde will change, and your actions will change. And hopafully, maybe “something amazing will happen. Your emotions wl shift and move and vibrate with ‘them, and the women of the werd will fel your resonance and come callingNon-Neediness ‘A man’s attractiveness is inversely proportional to how needy he is. The lass needy he i, the more atracsve he il be o woman on average. The needier hei, the ese attractive he wil be to wornen on average [Neediness is when a man places 2 higher priity on others" perceptions ef him than his perception of himsalf A noedy man's actions and words will therefore be pri marily motivated by impressing ané winning approval ftom thers. Nor-neediness is luhen 2 man places a higher priority on his own perception of himself than the per- ceptions of ethers. A non-needy man's actions and words will sherefore be primarily rotated by embodying his oun values and desires [Neediness, therefore, infiltrates all behaviors because i i what inspires and inst- gates all behaviors. A lack of neediness also infiltrates ll behaviors for the same rea- son. Because it underlies all of your actions and words, to be non-needy is to be move atactive, in every way. It defines and resonates in everything you say and do, the way you stand, the way you smile, the jokes you tell, the people you associate vith, the ear you drive the wine: ‘When people say vague things ‘need to baleve in yoursef” or “he 1 man’s lack of neediness. Itexudes fom him in eventhing he does. Paradosicaly. 2 man’s lack of need for attention and admiration iste a magnet for attention and admiration. man's comfort and acceptance ofthe possibilty that some people will rot like him makes people like him even more A man’s respect for difering opinions rakes thove around him vant te agree with inn more. ‘A needy man is constant investing in the perceptions others have in him. He ie being extra nice and fiendly when he doesn't want tobe because he believes he must do this to be liked 2nd loved. He is buying a fancy watch and season tickets tothe local spores team 0 tat he wil be admiced and loved. He ie coming up vith fe compliments or pretending to bea bad ass because he thinks it il get him attention and love A nonneedy man may tll do these behaviors — he ray sil Buy the season tickets ‘or mae the jokes. But his intentions me diferent. Whereas 2 needy nian anys and does there things for approval, the non-needy man does them simply for the pleasure ‘of doing. The needy man tise to control what others think and feel more than what he thinks and feels hinself The nomineedy man is more concerned with controling his ovm thoughts and feelings rather than the thoughts and feelings of others. A needy man will be ore invested inthe woman he is with than in himself — he willbe ‘more concerned about Fer opinion, about him, about the weather, about everthing ‘other than what he actually thinks and feels. A non-needy man will be more invested in himesif than the woman he's with By investment | mean the degree to which you sacrifee/ater your own thoughts, feck sod motivations for someone ese. By les | mean that as 2 man, you should net 10 sacrifice your thoughts felings, and motivations for someone else more than they sacrifice theirs for you That may sound cold, ur-PC, and yes, it made me squirm a litle bit when I frst teal lzedit. gutite true, Thin about forthe majority of human history men had Few material possessions by which women would judge ther status. Back in the caveman days, there were ro‘outdoor pools and tax retums. They didn't have brand name sandals and expensive hisireuts At most, one man had 2 litle bit more ment to share than the nest guy Therefore, fr the majority of human histon, women watched mer's behavior Aste yourself wh ind of behavior would indicate to a woman that a man is high status ‘and fit 10 raise her culdren? These are the men whe would be eewally elected over the course of hundreds ofthousands of years Would it be 9 man who defers to all of the other men around him, wine begs the ‘women to be sith him, who can rand up for himself and sehose emotions are dic tated by those around him? Or would it be the man who controls his ovm destiny, i unfazed by he threats others may pose to him and who shrugs it off iFhe pursues 2 ‘oman and she hae no interest in him? ‘The sesond man indicates a man of status [Fyou'e at the top of the Food chain, you have no reason to be inhibited orto defer to others (unless you went to) Fyou're at the bottom ofthe food chain, your ent ie wil valve around deferring to others. The high-status man displays mon-neediness. The lourstatus man displays need: Neediness is not consciously calculated by women or people in general. | guarantee sound with neediness scorecards sited by wormen Ws the gug reflex she twelve too many the distaste she has when he you will not see women wal Neesiness is fling has when a guy cal ‘seem to laugh litle t20 hard at her jokes. I's the annoyance she has when he {seems to male every decision for her rather than letting he fend forherselE. ‘Women unconsciously detect neediness by sensing the intentions behind 2 man's bechavior and words. I? why women can offen become turned off at the most innocuous moment or by the most unimportant statement. Conscicush, the action lor statement may seem haorless, but unconscioush; it convnyed eventing they need to know about your status and that isthe: you base your actions on a constant need for approval AAs you are probably avare, women can be needy as well And although neediness is 2 ‘um-off fer most men. i's not the complete deal breaker that it is for women. To most women, a man with no neediness is like » voman with perfect tits and » goe _geously sculpted ass. To # woman, # man with a fot of neediness is ike having the worst breath and missing teeth, |e important to nots that non-neediness doesn't mean you should only eae about ‘yourslf. This is rarcesism, and although it might get you lad, tis nor attractive and ‘ll resutin dyefunctional relationships fs the reason we have relationships in the ist place, to be touched and moved by others. The important point here is how 2 prioritize ether people's perceptions vereus our own. Which is more important? Hers or yours? Highly needy men will end up in relationships sometimes, but only with highly needy svomen. The highly naedy man is constantly working fo earn woman's approval, and «highly neady woman is constr innad ofa man’s approval So the two conspire ogether, usualy wih one cresting dramajemotional meltdowns and the other one ‘endlesely fing it This relationship is tonic and ean harm each percon's self worth [Narcissistic men, or men who only care about themselves, will end up in relation ships sometimes, but only with narciasistic and shallow women. Beth the narcissisticrman and woman will view each other merely a¢ ornaments to adom ther self absorbed lives These relationships alco are tonic. And these relationships also often ‘end poorly. Now allthis stuf sounds nice. But let's put this into conerete, real-world terms. Here are. couple samples. James is a nice guy. But he tends to be needy in his relationships and hes what we ‘would calla high level ofinvestment with any woman that he mest Whenever he dates a woman, he will rearrange his entire schedule at her whim. He will buy her gifts and spend most of hic paycheck on te nicest dinners for her. He'll forge plans with his guy fiends and if che woman he datos gets angry, hell sit p>: ‘ently an listen t2 her vert all of her Frustrations to him, agreeing with her con stanly ina file desperation that she may feel better Even when he feels that she's bei want he ‘As a result, despite caring for him, James's glfiends rarely respecthim. And sooner ‘or later — usually sooner — they dump him, When James gets dumped, he becomes distraught and depressed. He's often incorsalable and drinke to0 much. Usually, he dosen't fel better again until he mests anoter woman and the entite cycle repeats self ‘Then there's Jeff Jeff has been successfl with women for his entie hfe and has a very low level of investment in therm until he's gotten ta know them well. Jaf enjoys ‘Boing out with his fiends and pays no attention to whether the women around hire approve of him or not. At times, he says something weird or gets rejected, but it dosen'tbother him. But other times gills become quite atracted to Jefl. When aff notices, if he Finds them atraciva, he'll take their number and ack thern out. Whan he takee them our, hh takoe them tothe park down the strest from his fat He then site there and chats ith them fora while and ifhe doesn't like them, he'll excuse himself and leave. fhe oes like them, he might take them to get icecream or check outa show with him. IF tary point she decides she doesnt like him and leaves, Jeff dowss't Sigures that he wouldn't have been happy with her anyway, so uy change himself ta please her? offends up sleeping witha lot of women. Hie phone is conetanty ringing with texte from them, but ke only answers thom: when he has time or feels ike it. He's never rude or nacty to them. Sut he only makes time for the ones he genuinely enjoys spending time with level of emotional investment James has hi the women he meets and dates Hels not confident. He ix needy: immediately enslaves what litle of his identity he's aware oft what he believes will make wornen like him. Jefe a low level of investment. He's content with hie life and proud of whe he ie He is confident and non-needy. Ifa woman doesn't appreciate tha, then he figures he's beter oF without her ‘Women, as if witha sits sense, detect Jef's lower level of emetional investment be- cause it informs all of his decisions and behaviors Jeff is a high selFesteens indi dual who takes care of himself and is 2 able to be himself around athers James is not Within moments of speaking to Jef, and often even before speaking to him, women sense t ling to compromise that identity for her. This sub-communicates his high status to ‘not only does he have a strong sense of identity hes also un‘them and elicits attraction. How Jeff communicates this will be discussed later in the book Ask women and they 's "go is, but they know if he has it or not. Tha bear him tal ithe doesn't. They don't know what ‘that they intuitively now in thir gut the second they see him look him in the aye is his level of investment telative her and, therefore, his lack of neediness. thie seems impractical 20 far dan worry. The majority of this Bookie based on how to get “it” and how to corey “it” with women immediate regardless of what you actually s2y or do. THE SEDUCTION PROCESS Biologically, women have a lt more ta lose than men when it comes to sex. As are they've had incentives to (usualy) be picker in choosing their sexual partners Men, on the other hand, have historically had fewer repercussions for promiscuity and, fiom a biological point of view, even gain some advantages by being promis- Whether t's biological or cultural or some mixture of both, the fat is that eral sexe ual attraction is based largely in feeling comfortable and secure with 2 man she ‘ects. Women have evoived 2 sonality that is more psychological than physical, and ‘that peychological need i rooted in the need for security and connection, This ip why status is based on behavior ané not simply assets A man oho is ich in sesets has greater potentil to make » woman feel secure and comfortable, but if his behavior implies that he won't, then she won't be attracted to him. A physically ft ‘man will imply grester fitness for her children, but again, if hi behavior implies he will be incapable or incompetent in raising them, then she will not be attracted 10 him, Because men value sex more than women atthe beginning of a relationship, and sex tl opportunities are scarcer for men than women, women tend to be less invested land mote confident sely in on the interaction. When a man approaches her and ine duces her to become as imested in hi as he sin her, this is the process of seduction ‘Sex occurs as a natural side effect of this process. Seduction isthe process by whieh « mon induces 2 woman to become ce invested in him erheisin hee “There are two ways for saduction to happen: 1) 2 man creates the perception that he Js far less invested in her than he actually is (nesdiness disguised as non neediness), and 2) man act “The First method ‘less invested in er (genuine nor-neediness) rman giving false impressions) occurs through what I call “perfor mance” The vast majority ofthe dating advice out therefor men (and women) is per= formance-based advice — say ths, act lke this, dor't call her back right away, pre tend you don't ike he, make these jokes, ete “The second method (a man demonstrating ess investment) is a passive process that bre does within himself and that permeatee every aepect af hie behavior over the lon ‘term, There's nothing to lear or memorize. Ther is nothing to practice or study. It corly requires ons to rove hi yardstick for success from external goals (more dates, ‘ore sex) to inteonal goals (better relationships, more emotional flfllment. overall happiness). This book will ly cut how this internal process occurs and how to achieve it inyourself Performance-based dating advice technically “works” Ws just nat fulfilling. You'rerot actually solving the problem (jour neediness); you're just covering i up. A man rough 2 saves of parformance-Sazed behaviors may have ses, but he is setting himzeif up for tere and unfulfilingrelstionshige with other seedy women. who bacomes success Let me take you through @ few reablfe examples of seduction and look at the various factors going on im each one from a neediness/investment point of view These examples are rel, but densties have been changed and minor details aksred ‘When Syan was in college, he was a leading member of his fraternity. He was in charge of organizing his house's partes. He was 3 gregarious guy and liked by moct people. At one of these partice, he met Jane. Jane took an immadiate liking to Ryan and the twa began dating, Ryan would organize and throw his parties, Jane would come and bring her fiends. They shared stories, experiences and interests, The est oF college went on ‘Aftcr thoy graduated, Ryan took a job ata bank. Jane got involved in 2 loesl charity yan’ 2octal network dieappeared and hi long hours at work killed any deste for him to go out and make new fiends. He began to spend more and more time with Jane, They usualy just watched movies and shared a battle of wine ‘As time went on, Jane became mare and more involved in her charity events and began traveling to help with fundraisers. Ryan would spend this time alone watching TV or maybe grabbing a beer with one of his old buddies, but it wasnt the same ‘After another year, Ryan would epenly complain te jane about her trips. Jane ebvi ‘ously sympathized with Ryan, but she felt pressured and resented hirn for it. They began to fght more often. Ryan gained weight Jane spent more time working away From home yan decided to plan 2 lavish trip forthe two of them to the Caribbean. He could use the much-neade 12 nun from work, and it woul infuse the! ‘ecitemant and paceion that i gorely needed. The trip return relationship brief. But upan returning home, eality began to set in ance again “Within a few months it was back to business as usual: him overworked and initable, her distancing herself ard traveling, yan began talking about marriage. Jane was hesitant. She stated that her job was get ‘ing busier and she didn't inow how much che'é be around to plan a wedding, Ryan had been saving much of hic money to buy era ring. Jane lamented that they were ‘ll young and hadn't really epetienced much mind, she couldn't shake the feling that Ryan was tesifed of life, and marrying her was just another way for him to e3c0 ejected, a few weeks later Ryan began to complain that Jane spent too much time with her frends and at work. Indeed, Jane had been staying 3t work until way into the right, even on days when she didn't have to. Ryan began pressuring Jare to move in together, but again she resisted, this time fervent Ryan exploded, he had been giv- ing up everything for her the past few years and che had been nothing but ung ‘She retorted that Ryan had been suffocating her with his demands for attention and affection. Jane dumped him on the spot. There's a good chance the above story sounds familia to you. You or one of your fiends or family members have probably gone through the same process as Ryan imcetgirlin a situation of low emotional investment ard low neediness, entered rela: ‘onship with said gil, gradually invested more and more while letting the rest of your personal Ife slip away, until gil leaves you and dates some other guy who is lessinvested than she is again, Here's another story shat may sound familar to you Daniel is 24 years old and trying to get overa three-year dry spell. t's the frst time he's pursued women since his only girfriend dumped him three years ago, Daniel goes out to a bar one night and approaches Stacy Danie! approaches her with what seems like an innacuous question about drunk guys getting in Sights She vesponds and he follows it up with a number of quirky lines to soon get her laughing. ‘These are lines and questons Daniel leamed from reading 2 pick up book on ‘women. Daniel has been practicing the tactics fora while and has recertly become proficient at using them. After fing countless rejections, he's finally able to gst ils! phone numbers and ever a few dates He continues to tak ta Stacy throughout the night about preardained topics he's ‘comfortable with, He's able to punctuate each lull with tied and rested jokes he's used dozens of times. Every ime, Stacy laughs on cue. He touches her on the arm Just like he read to do, and she touches him back. She's interested. ‘A week later, after some fun texting, Stacy meets up with Davi fora dete, Once ‘again, Daniel executes everything he's learned: stick to topics about her passions, rove her From venue to venue, never site across from her but next to het, use @ planned excuse to gether back ta his place, etc. \I more or less works, Stacy seems gen works up the nerve to kiss her, she kisses je He Fels lie months of hard work have finaly pad off ‘The cecond date gost similry, Daniel manages to get Stacy back to his apartment where, furnbling through his excitement, he has sex with her. Daniel is on cloud nina, dl line to talk to his bestfriend and tell hin all of the clever lines he ssid and how us with joy and drunk on validation. He jumps on much she likes him Little does Daniel that it wasn't his lines and tricks that Stacy fll fr, it was the endearing way he laughed at himself whenever he wae self-conscious. She thought it wae cute and it reminded her of her fret boyfiiend. She aleo wae in 3 lonaly eratch of her life and wanted to Fee! needed by comeone and the fact that Daniel was working so hard for her approval fattered her and made her fel a lite less alone a Danial and Stacy see each ether a few more times aver the fllawing waeks, but fora little while ‘omething changes. Since he's already had eax with her Da | stops running hie lines and tactics that he learned. He slowly reverts back to his normal self, his ready cof desperate for attention and approval lt begins subtly with him agreeing with everthing she says, followed by a sudden inability © come up vith new and interesting topics of conversation. Itturns out he spends most of hi snd there's nat « whole lot to talk about on that front. What used to be vibrant and bilasous ime watching TV and playing video games,bantering hae now turned into Stacy showing up, saying whatever she wants and Dan more or less agreeing with her until i's time to have sex — which is now bad, uninteresting ex. But Stacy is changing too. She's starting to realize that she used sex as 2 way to 1s lonely and that pesaps she wns viny too invested in @ guy th. But eather than recognize that she made a mistake, she continues to see Daniel aut of guilt and for fear of Feeling like» lat. (One day, Danie! tots Stacy about mesting up with him that weskend. She was busy studying for 2 test that night and dide't reply. Stacy was actually busy, she tells herself What she doesn’t admit 9 herselfis that she could have made time f she wanted Daniel begins to get insecure about why Stacy's not responding. He gets online and asks his fiend for advice. His fiend says that he needs to text her something, really crazy 10 gether‘ pay attention and like him again, The nest day, after her test, Stacy sees her phone and notices four new texts from Daniel. The Fst one is casual, but each one gets progressively weirder and more rronsensical. Stacy is turned off — its that neediness rearing its ugly head again, a 1 out of guilt and unsure of how fo end things due to her own neediness, hat she decides to pretend the terts didn't happen and agrees to mest Dari Ueekend, even though at this point, it feels more like an obligation and not some- thing she's excited to do. But Daniel is not so easily fooled. He's not about to reward Stacy's “bad behavior by immediately hanging out with her He was taught in his pick up books to never let the girl set the terms of the relationship. So he waits a few hours and then tests Stacy that she's too late and he's already made other plans with ether people. She finde this strange. Daniel had tested her four times, but truthfully che feels 2ome what relieved. She ean move on with her life ‘The following weeks Daniel texts Stacy and colly insinuntes that he's ready to see her now, if he's willing to work for it.The condercention and distespecil tone pisses Stacy off and she dossnt respond, Two days later Daniel, drunk and confused about why Stacy doesn’t want to see him anymore, conds a sappy tex saying that he realy likes her and really wants to s0¢ her again and dosen't know why she doesn't like him anymore Completely confused and turned off Stacy replies that he's a nice guy but she just ‘wants 10 be fiiends, even though she has no intention of ever secing him again | can tell you that ve seen beth of these stories play out aver and aver and over again, in hundreds of diferent forms between hundreds of different pzopl. ‘Guy meste gir. Guy showe less investment in girl shan himealf eax and/or rele ‘onship 2ccure, guy becomes more invested in girl than himself. sex etope and/or ship falls apart The first story is an example of wih it's important to continue to invest in oneself even as life changes occur and the relationship goes on. I's the only langrterm ian to keep longe-term relationships stable and happy. yan’ relationship with jane fled because after he araduated from collega, he lost and never regained the great aspects of hs identity that made him so attractive to Jane in the first place — his social network, his jay and spontaneity, the cool group activities he planned. As he got cornered into a job he hated and lost hiesocin| cite, he began leaning on her mote and more to define his identity fo and more and mare in her raduation, quietly falling into a jab she was pas sionate about and good at. She made new friends and began traveling and having ‘new experiences on her own. As Jane became less invested in Ryan for her identity, yan became more invested in Jane, growing needier and needier. Event dynamic of investment shifted and the celationship toppled over Daniels experience was diferent. Daniel's storys 2 quintessential ample of why pick up lines, routines, value tacties and the lke are only short-term solutions. Daniel was needy and highlyinvested in Stacy's affection from the stat. All Daniel did was use techriques and ines 20 ick Stacy into thinking he vas far more conf dent and less invested than he actuslly wae ‘And it worked, for 9 bit But the irony he ‘not Danie’ lines, but the authenticity of 1 that what attracted her the most ae im bumbling through them ta impress her. Stacy found it endasring and genuine and wae in an unconfident place herzalf atthe time. She was in a place in her life where she wanted to feel needed and pow: ful She also found the idiosyncrasies of his personality to be cise, as they re minded bar of her first boyfiend. So she slept with him Ines and techniques ran out, she true level of investment became more and more clear. Daniels behavior became erratic and it disgusted Stacy, causing her to cut him ofFin some ugly teat exchanges But a lat of men whe fallow this ype of dating advice don't even make it that f ‘They may conjure the imprescion of statue for only an hour or aven a few minutes before they falter Such are the stresses of performance. Leaming techniques and pick up lines without doing genuine, identity level work in ‘order to permanently decrease your neediness ends up only being a band-aid sol It provides a shor, temporary tlie fiom an otherwise permanent problem. It ‘causes more stress. And it ultimately makes us feel worse about ourselves. Overcoming neediness is not about learning whs to say or new things to-do. Over: ‘coming your neediness comes through # change in your mindset, your self perception, and your selfrespect. I's as simple as just changing your mind about Take 8 moment to consider That before meeting « woman, i tend of worrying whether or nat she wil lke yous, you could wonder ifyou wil ke her That instead of feeling the need to impress her, you could wonder if she im pressesyou “That instead of sitting there silently wondering what ta say next ta make her like yous you could sit there ‘That instead of waiting around for her to eal, you could Fnd something elee to do while she waits for your nciy wendaring what she will xy 0 make you lice her “That instead of worrying if yau'e tall enaugh or good-looking enough or skinny ‘enough, you could decide whether theyre too superficial to recognize your great uals That woman who seal “That instead of looking for 2 conversation shell enjoy, you could tale about something you enjoy and see ifshe takes interest.‘That instead of locking for her approval, you could decide whether or not to give yours, That instead of getting upset about shy she doesn't want to be with you, you could decide that it means you probably wouldn't want ta be with hee ‘This may all sound 2 bit selfish. But, in fact, its called having strong bound aries and high sal esteem. I's called being non-needy and an attractive man. (Only making ime for people who minke time for you. Only being interested in dat ing people who are interested in dating you Worrying about wha I make you happy inetead of what will make someone alze happy. Looking for a person who: rreets your needs instead of trying to aivays mest theirs. Changing yourself to be come who you want tobe, not what you think women wart you to be. ically, thot is what women want you to be: « man who wants to be who he wants to be ‘Women arg attracted to a man they can respact, os man they can trust. IFyou're constantl looking for approval for what to s2y and how to feel, how could anyone respect or trust you? You ere what attracts (or repels) others — not the words, not the strategies. Ifyou aren't happy with the results you get, then it's ime te improve you. | don't care how hot she is. Is she good enough for you? Does she have integrity? Standards? Is she smart, personable, caring? Are you ready to leave on a dime if she offends you or breaks your trust? not, that's probably why you've not with her in fst place ‘The only real dating advice i selfimprovement. Work on yourself. Conquer your anpieties. Resolve your shame. Take care of yourself and those who are important toyou. Love yourself. Otherwise no, one else wil NARCISSISM AND OVERCOMPENSATION When a man has spent his e needy and highly invested, doing the legit- imate work to tranaform himself into a confidant, attractive man is net 236 To become non-resdy, a man must devslop sslfrespect, a healthy sense of bound aries, social competence, and healthy life habs It's often » painful long term process that entails quite bit of introspection, questioning, doubt, anger, Fo ‘ration, lifestyle changes, and £0 on ut there is a shortcut. And that shortcut is to objecify women, to treat them a2 objects or trophies to be accumulated or paraded around fer others. [As I said earlier, some men tty to fake non-neediness through performance. We've already seen how this ultimately fails inthe long run But other men overcompensate 0 hard for them to let go of what others shine of them and to stand up for themeelves. So they go the complete opposite direc ‘von and decide to only care about themselves. They become narcissistic and sel serving, they view their lonships as vehicles to get specif benefits and are unconcerned with the nesde ofthe person they're with Needy men only know how to care about what others want, even if harms ther selves. Non-needy men lock for that intersection where they ean get both their own needs and their partner's needs met. Narcissistic men overcompensate and decide 10 only pursue getting their own needs met Narcissistic men usually do his by conjuring up all sors of flee belief about the inferiority or diference of women — how wornen are incapable of rationality, howthey're “hypergamous.” how they manipulate men, how women are destined to be dominated and control Weal llshit, bur these men useit as 2 justification forthe overcompensa put them at ange in their own self absorgtion. Men whe go narcissistic act like they're more important than anybody else. They /, and demanding. They are self-serving and don't handle rejection oF Some of these men even end up becoming abusive. But the narcissiat’sfagade is weak an ‘issism is wielded as a sort of shield to protect the sensitive neediness under neath. See, narcissistic men are still desperate for the approval of others. They've just taken a counterintuitive route to geting it: their own selFaggrandizement ‘Whereas 2 needy man will play t being meek and unimportant in order to get ap- proval from ethers, the natcisist proclaims his oun greatness to get approval from others. ‘When a woman becomes merely another conquest, 4 number, something to treat like 8 trophy or a toy it can be extremely easy to assert yourself around them, to riontize your own values and belifs over theirs, tejection around them, and to dominate any perspective they might have — all attractive confident traits, merely expressed in horrible ways. Narcissism is also taught to men as 2 form of dating advice. Much of the dating advice out there advises men to be selich, to be “alpha,” to be dominant and ag [gressive and te ignore women’s objections or ke this advice with all sorts of explanations that women don't actually know what they jections, to pursue what you want no matter what an through pure persistence and aggression. It will justify want that they're just “testing” you, that they actually want it but they can't say it andsoon Nateissism is alse often promoted to men by other men growing up, especially in highly “macho” c often raised by othe “ships through selfaggrandizement and selfishness, and so they seekto pass these ‘yaits onto their cons, (Latin Ameria, the Middle Eas, East Asian, otc). Men are fsistic men sho only found their way through relation Narcissism in a relationship is built on the idea of always being dominant or in My harshest rejection ever was in Aust with my best fiend late on a Friday night. | see two cute girs dancing by them: selves. | approach. lightly touch one on the shoulder and begin to speak. She spins around, "CET THE FUCK AWAY FROM MEI DON'T YOU EVER FUCK. “Texas, probably winter of 2007. Iwas out dide't do anything!” | try to blurt aut between her shrieks. Yon not heard. She shoves me backward while screaming at re | push her arms back 10 protect myself The slap comes hard and fast Totally uncalled for. “GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM MEI DON'T YOU EVER FUCKING TOUCH ME AGAIN" Before | know" t bouncers are removing me from the bat “didn't even do anything, | don't even know her! | sey “Yeah, whatever buddy.” the bouncer says. | get outside and my fiend comes out to meet me, “Dude, what fucked up thing did you say now?” | dicn's say anything” He looks at me skeptical “No, seriously I didn't say any thing” “Yeah, whatever” ‘Another night, another bar. This was probably sometime in 2006. I'm talking to 2 super cute blonde. College girl. Sorority Disy ax hell and irue pain fo interactith, You know those people whe interrupt you constandy 2nd redivect every pos- “ible topic of conversation back to some inane story about themselves? She vine lone of those. It was like being socially waterboarded, But she was hot. And I was young and needy and crazy horny and honestiy had nothing better to do. So | talked ta her painfully and besrudgingl, Somewhere in between trying to decide whether to drown myself in aol Grown her in alcohol, to stab myself inthe face with a broken beer bore her. she let loose this litle ger By the way. thanks for not being ugh.” istegarded the compliment and honed in on what was so shallow, so immature, so etab and just couldn't stand by ily any longer. "Excuse me?” | ached. sd hanks for not being ugly” gine my mouth fll open here, But of couree, she missed my incredulity and continued on with her monelog (she was good at monoleg). "See, no offense, bu talking to guys in bars isso boring. And tonight, nothing but these hideously ugly guys have been tslking to me and buying me drinks. But at leat you'e not ugh” Atleast? She continues: “To be honest, cart stané ugly people. Like, i seriously hurts my soul to look at ugly people. Like, | honestly fel physical pain if Ihave to look a an uly person.” 1 cout hhold back anymore, “You must nat awn any mitra then.” Her face: disbelief, horror then anger — in that order, halfa second max — then her fruity drink came fying onto my face, followed by 2 dainty slap. “Asshole!” She stormed back 10 her fiends, When | ist started going out and tying to meet girls, | used to be horrified at the ‘thought of something lke the above stovies happering to me. The idea of geting slapped, of drink thrown on me, or geting thrown out of « bar these were rightrates that would probably have visibly shaken me at the thought of them happening. Maybe you feel the same va ut both of these memories ight in my mind, 25 theyre some of the ‘mest important learning experiences | had with women — even more important than many of my successes. Believe it oF not, being slapped by these women taught me a let about attraction, as much as anything else that I've experienced. For starters, Being slapped by a woman is not the end ofthe world, or even ofthe interaction. I's simply an emo- nal response. And as» highly emotional responce ways take being slapped ‘ver indifference or boredom any day. It's polarizing. And polar rote important than being pleasant to them. Being slapped also taught me that you can't always control how peopl you, Some people are completely out oftheir minss or they behave very ineppro- pristely You can't help thie. You cannot control wihat happens in every interaction. the better off you will be deserve being rected. Sometimes you won't | don't rogret what .ough in hindsight, | probably didn’t need to be rude to her—ifthat happened today, The sooner you secep! Sometimes yo | sai tothe sarari excuse myself and walk away.‘As with any ype of fallure, i's not until you've been rjected a certain amount you realize how insignificant it actually is, how you spent so much time worrying about nothing, and how you's free to act however you chaose ‘The reason men fear rejection ie because theyte operating on other peoples truths, mot th ‘oun. In fac, men who fear rejection tend to be oblivious to their own truth because if they were aware oftheir own desires, needs and values, what ‘would they have to be afrid of Why would they ever hesitate to expose th nerabilty 0 others? Most men with wenk grasps of thir own truth fs be rejected, ever. Not only is this s manifestation of istic, Being rejected saves me so such time and effort. If had to go on 2 date with every single gil | found even mildly attractive id probably lose my mind IT's USUALLY NOT ABOUT YOU [As soon a you realize that 9594 of this allracing women stuff has nothing to do \with you, s the moment you became free to pursue what you vaant without hes: ion or feat ‘When you get out there and start meeting a lot of women, you'll begin to notice ‘that there's a lot to be said about “the right person atthe wrong time.” | can't tell you how mary times I've met an amazing woman, but some circumstance was standing inthe way. [t happens all the tie. It may be that she's on vacation and fying 2,000 miles home tomorrow. Or that she just got back together with her long term boyfriend and doesn’t vant to screw t up. Or that her dog ust died and she really doesn’t Fel like talking tonight. O hor and harassing her and she just wants to be left alone. Or thatthe last guy whe thas been calling ‘she went on a date with grabbed her aes and treated her lke shit and he had the same nameas you Thece ate a n extraneous circumstances completely outside of your contol and at any ewan time, o large chunk of the women you meet and tall to ate going: to be experiencing one of them, The best you can da isto Int it go and remember: “tenor about you, This is why we pursue women based on our truth. This is why we polarize women ‘as s00n as possible. This ie why we approach women locking to see if he fis our Uslues and needs and not the other way around: Mest men, when they mest womer, thinking something hope she likes me" or “I hope she doesn’t embarrass me or reject me” It's all about them. And therefore, when things don't go anywhere, the men take it personally — they get pest or angry or butt hurt that this random stranger with breasts ent laughing at th lame joke right now. Instead of thinking, “I wonder ifhe'l lke me,” think, “I wonder wat she's he?" Instead of thinking, “I hope she doesn't reject me,” think, “I hope I'l nd out if she's right forme” The beauty is that whether she f in love with you on the spot or she throws a rink in your face... you've succeeded. You ve found out the ruth. Your curiosity i fulfilled and you can now decide whether you should move on or nat. ty Whether she thinks Vm a total creep, oF she's crazy about me but we live on different continents, or | see every rejection simply as some form of incomp: hos in 2 horrible mood whan | ask her out, or she thinks I'm cute but hasferent values and interests than me — whatever the reason, if» woman ever re Jects me, ts because she's not compatisle with me. It may be 2 permarentincom- patibility. It may be a temporary incompatibility, But he point is that if she liked me ‘enough, she'd be wil then thet just means i's wrong person — oF right person, wrong time. And that’s Fe Remember, i's *Fuck Yes!" or no. And iFt'm not getting » “Fuck Yes! then I'd uch rather have ane than a "Meh, OK" REDEFINING SUCCESS The concept of “success” in modern dating advice is often skewed. influenced ‘on the one side fom traditional roles and rules — get # nice girlfriend, get my ste — and on the other side by unrealetc expectations and eacial pressures by other men — to be “the man,” you have to bed dozens of women, V5" ete. Men puts lot of at you should never be rejected, you should be banging models and pressure on one ancther and shame one another for being rejected and this devel ‘ops an unhealthy culture of masculinity based around neediness rather than gen: tine se!hexpression. Choosing how we define success with women ie vitally important. IF you choose the wrong way to define success for yourself, then the months or years of effort you put into achieving that goal wll go 0 wate. For instance, men who define success for themselves ax how many women they ‘can have sex wth will waste away time pursuing and manipulating women whom they don't neces enjoy or aren't even that atiracted tein the name of achieving "success" which they've defined for themselves. This isn't a shooting range we'te on here. We've talking about the health of our ives. Women and our relationships are one and the same with our emo- tional heath, and so the viny in which we perceive women and relationships is sing 0 be reflected in our emotional well-being I you choose to believe “success” with women is determined by which woman chooses you or how much money you can provide — well, then there's 2 good chance you're going to be quite fonely followed by ending up with the nearest woman capable of erating you fora life, you choose to believe “success women is a lay count or some other sical data point then your love lif will Become just ae objestifed ae the women you meet and although you'll have the quantity of interactions to back you up on lost, along with your happiness. jive way, maximizing happiness with whichever paper all emotional qua | define success in sg woran/womer | prefer tobe with Success = Maximizing happiness with whichever woman/wamen we prefer ‘This may seer lke an obvious statement, but the implications are actually quite profound. For most ofthe men in the world, their success" with women ix defined oy cing married or not being single - NEVER BEING REJECTED. - DATING A WOMAN WHO IS MORE ATTRACTIVE THAN HIS FRIENDS’ GIRLFRIENDS. ~ HOW MANY WOMEN THEY CAN APPROACH OR HAVE A DATE wares.- QUANTITY OF WOMEN RATHER THAN QUALITY OF WOMEN IF SHE FITS SOME STEREOTYPE OF WHAT “BEAUTY” IS. - IF SHE'S THE KIND OF WOMAN YOU'VE BEEN RAISED TO THINK YOU SHOULD DATE. \When we define success as finding the relationship(s) that will maximize our happiness, our approach takes a completely new light. Instead of waiting and hop- lng for a woman to select us, instead of racking up numbers, instead of winning. bragging rights, instead of avoiding rejections — our success is defined by serzen Ing through as many women as possible until we find the ones wa enjoy and the cones who enjoy us Suddenly, rejection goes from hurting our success rate to often helping i. Having tha woman who wants to wait tohave sex with you can beeome a far success than that woman who bangs your brains out an hou after mesting you \We screen through these women by polarizing them. We are pol ing thern by sharing our truth wth them openly and freely and when we do the, women wile 1 become incre tracted tous or they will reject us. Ether way, well be the happier fort ‘And not only do we pursue and polatize the women we believe wil make us happy. but we aleo puch the interaction. Some men become satisfied with how many women they can kiss or how mary phone numbers they can collect. This is not success. This fs not success because you are not maximizing your rela ships vith these women. These metres are part of the process. There is ro happiness inherent in awning more phone numbers than anyone else, You're chasing them, sleeping with ther, becoming intimate with them or even committing to chem. Get out thare and expose yourself. ‘Open yourself up and find what makes you happy. Yes, t ean you'l prob: _sbly get hurt. Sut zo what? The best things in life don’t come exily, ‘So it's time to get into the nittrgrity So far we've spent most of the book being introspective and talking about our emotional lives. Whether we gat any specific woman or not depends on our level of investment relative to our investment in ‘ourselves. Ths is noneneediness. We build nan-nesdiness through vulnerability ‘We practice vulnerability by being honest There are three ways in which we are honest. And those three ways will make up. the bulk ofthis book. The three ways are ving based on our values (fest); 2) becoming comfortable with our intent s (boldness): and 3) by expressing our ‘sexuality fleely (communi ion), ‘The Fret way of expressing our truth involves developing # Mestyle that makes us happy. The second way of expressi ‘through our fare and ansities. And the thied way of expressing truth is by com uth is by being courageous and fighting municating wall and bring uninhibited in our sesulity. Choosing to noth honest iectye based on our valuee and interests ie only being die h ourselves. It reflects a higher investment in others than in oneself Not acting on our desires and asserting ourselves where appropriate is showing more investment i others than oursehes. Its therefore unattractive. ‘And not communicating our thoughts, feclings, and desires freely and clearly also demonstrates mare investment in others than in ourselves. This is alsounattractive Chapter 6 Lifestyle, Courage. and Communication: | refer to these as the Three Funda: rentalsThe Three Fundamentals ‘The Three Fundamentals are the three ways in which a man can become more erable and become less needy. Improving each one of the Three Fundemen will emprove your suite, sometimes drastically. Each of the Three Fundamentals ‘con be worked on independently, but as we'l ‘often indirectly benefits the other two and vice-versa, see later, improving one of the three ‘The Three Fundamentals are 1, CREATING AN ATTRACTIVE AND ENRICHING LIFESTYLE. 2. OVERCOMING YOUR FEARS AND ANXIETY AROUND SOCIAL” IZING, INTIMACY AND SEXUALITY. 3. MASTERING THE EXPRESSION OF YOUR EMOTIONS AND COM- MUNICATING FLUIDLY. The way to improve each of thexe fundamentals is by driling deeper into your val nerabiliy for each one of them. So one way to think about it is that the funda rentals ae the categories in which you can improve your result with women (and ‘general wellbeing). and expressing your vulnerability and secking tuth is the process in which you improve in thee For short, | referto the Three Fundamentals az Honest Living, Honset Action, and Honest Communication For instance, Honest Living. oF ing an attractive lifestyle involves really. ‘down and understanding what you want as a man for your life and then working to make that a realy. Hf you're in a job you hate with hobbies you hate and friends you don't like, then no matter what you do or how much money you make, you've ‘poing to have a hard time meeting atractive women that you enjoy and who enjoy is because the identity you have adopted does not accurately life honest, being with you. T reflect your emotional needs and desi ‘You are not lving yo ‘whieh means you are not investing in yourself, which means you are needy and IF your true passion is art end you push paper around at an insurance frm, then youre not living honestly Yeu've compromised your identity in some way to ft what others have dictated it should ber " is case, you've given up what act rakes you happy in order to fir the values or roles of other people in eaciety (hav ing « stable job, wo This displays 2 lack of vulnerability and those things aren't actually important to you, then you have # responsibility to youre to change. Otherwise, you're aluays going to be an unattractive man. How ty in 20? Mecause you's living 40 hours « week, every we, investing your ide what neediness, and until you straighten this every womans you meet, preventing you from mesting the truly amazing women that you could potent Honest Living comelates directly withthe quality ef worren that you wil atract. The lly be with one day. more intune you ate to your lifesjle, the more you take care of your appearance and your health, he higher the quality of women you will attract and the greater percentage of Receptive women you'll meet. Honest Mction ig overcoming your fear and anxiety around women. Our anxiety another farm in which we highly invest ourselves in athers’ perceptions and avoid‘our truth, Like a poor lfestye, it also seems to be embedded in us and it's some. lot of thought and effort to repair over @ longer period oftime I call & Honest Action because itis honesty in the strictest terms. Ifyou see a thing that requires beautiful woman and have a desire to meet her, to not take action and mest heris 3 form of being dishonest with yourself. If you're standing im a bar, and you see a rest, and you keep looking at her all night becouse you're afraid to do something, on a deep level, you're being dishonest about your woman who catches your it intentions and sex You'e being overly invested in her and others’ opinions and are unable to expose your vulnerabil All fear around your s2wuality is a vezult of fel rior or unworthy. Hf you're afraid to approach 2 woman, it's bacause somewhere inside you are more invested in er opinion of you than you ate in your own opinion of yourself If you're afraid to nse» woman to come home with you. i's beenuse you are afraid of the sexual at you want to sleep with her — you'te more invested in her not rejecting yu than you are in aligning yourself with your desires ‘Overcoming your fear and anxiety will caralate with your overall results with ‘women. The roason being that once a man overcomes his fear of rejection, he's willing to more or less pursue any woman he wants when he wants. Even ifhe's 2 deadbes locks a good Iifesiyle) or even ifhe'sterble at expressing himself (lacks {goed communication ski eventually mect wamen who wa and sleep with him by no other means than pure numbers. If he's proach 500 women with no fear of rejection, eventually at least one of them is sping to stick Honest Action correlates direty to the quantity of women you meet and attrac. ‘The third fundamental ig Honest Communication, of learning to express yourself freely and effectively This is what most dating advice sells and classifies as “game” 2 good sense of humar, the ing people's attention, having charisma, and expressing your sexuality openly ‘These ae all pans of this fundamental. Honest Communication because its learning how to communicate your ‘rue intentions and emotions to others clearly Offen we have certain thoughts or feelings, but we don't know the best way to convey those thoughts or feelings. This third fundamental focuses on how to do that. Honest Communication will dete ine the effcleny with which you are able to at ‘act women wo are compatible to you. A man who communicstes poorly oF is Unable to express himself clearly will lose a lot of romantic opportunities: in translation” situations — misunderstandings. vague communications, inaccurate assumptions ee NATURAL AOVANTAGES/ DISADVANTAGES ‘Chances are, you'te already pretty strong in one or more of the Three Funds: mentale and weak or mediocre at one or more of them. Where your strengths and: ‘weaknesses lie will determine not just the quantty of your results with women, but also the types of outcomes you achieve For instance, » man with an amazing lfesiyle but poor action and poor communi- I be surrounded by beautiful and interesting women but never be with them, Classic examples of this are rich or good-leoking men who are still single and frustrated. They may have money, connections, power and meet beautiful ‘women regularly (or have beautiful women approach them). but theyre never able‘0 -captolize on their opportunites. [A man with no fear or ansiety with women will be able te approach and ask out any women, but his effort to-revined ratio will be poor and the quality of women vill be worse. Often a lot of aspiring players fall into chis category — they go out With almost all of them, but 54 nights per week, approsch dozens of women, ‘every once ina while convince 2 drunk sloppy girl to come home with them. [A man with gs rarely meet or attract beautiful women, but the few times he does. he ‘on his Few opportunities. Most so-called “normal” guys 2 4 communication skills but lot of fear and # poo! ike this They earely see opportunites, but when they come along, they take them ang do well. The problem with these men is that they never eel like they're in conttol of their love lives They're always uniting for that next woman who's interested to come around And sometimes they end up waling aute while The Three Funders ‘ore interesting in that they explain why a lot of men implement I of dating advice or selFimprovament and don't ¢ any actual change in results. If your weakness is that you aren't able to communicate coher ‘ently or empathize with what other people are expressing, then being encouraged 10 approach s00 new women is going to be an absolute disa | you are broke, live with your parents, and have no job, then being encoursged to spend all of your time and money out in nightclubs is only going to get you a bunch of meaningless sex with mediocre drunk girls who have no better options I you ate scared to death of saying anything to a woman you find attractive, then the best comverss 7 ticks, teasing and Flirting lines, oF even openers ate not going to help you at bButas | sad eats the Three Fundamentals are interdependent — they feed off of fone another. So if your biggest problem is an inab y 1 communicate well, then ieeting 100 new worten won't directly beneft you, but the Fact that you's taking 0 100 new people will ininecty help your issue. In the same way, being able to communicate effectively will help guys with extreme levels of anxiety in their devel lopment because the few times they do work up the nerve to make 2 move on omen, they will ually doit in a root and zocialy-atuned way important to ester the advice that you implement te your specific iesues. Hops fully reading this chapts are. The rest of this book is dedicated to breaking down each ofthe Fundamentals Individually 2nd giving clear how-to guides for improving them. Identifying and I be the quickest route to improving your love life and ee life. Most of you will have on or te you have atleast a vague idea of where your weaknesses focusing on the fundamental(s) you need to work on most rain weaknesses and probably one natural strength. But some of you may be weak In all of thom. | guarantee you, ifyou're reading this, you are net strong in all of them. you think you are and are still eading this fa selfand need to reread Chapter 3 on being honest with yourself WO TYPES OF MEN. then you're deluding your- In my experience. almost all men who struggle with relationships fll into one of two categories: socially anxious or soclally disconnected Socinllyansious men tend to hve the third fundamental dosun very well Theyre ood st expressing shamselves and are very aware of socal norms and what others sre thinking/fe in alot of case, socially ing. Inf Peon! what ot inking and fesling and, ther