Hanahaki Disease: a disease

caused by unrequited love, in

which the victim coughs up flowers
that grow in their respiratory
system, slowly choking and dying.
the only cure is a surgery with a
50/50 chance of success. however,
the surgery also takes away the
ability to love anyone ever again.
NOTE: IF YOU ARE READING THIS
JOURNAL, I AM EITHER DEAD, OR
COMPLETELY EMOTIONLESS. I WROTE
THIS IN HOPES THAT I COULD
DOCUMENT MY EXACT EXPERIENCES
AND SAVE OTHERS FROM THE SAME
FATE AS ME.
 03/24/2018
Even as a kid, I was obsessed with
flowers. Reading tome after tome about
them, staying up all night surfing the
internet for pictures of them, even
dragging my parents and my brother,
Elias, to botanical gardens and
conventions. When I found out there
was a whole language and actual
meanings behind them, I got even more
obsessed. I have memorized the
meaning of almost every flower, in both
Victorian Flower Language, and
Hanakotoba.

But, that’s all in the past. Now, I HATE

flowers. I despise them. I can’t even
bear to look at them. And that is all for
one reason.

Hanahaki Disease.
Yes, Hanahaki. That super rare disease
that people aren’t sure even exists. It is
real. I have it. I have it and I know
exactly who I’m in love with; Alex.

Spunky, punk-rock, queer Alex

My best friend from childhood Alex.

Alex, who will never love me.

And why she’ll never love me? Well, it’s

because she’s dead.

She’s dead, and it’s all MY FAULT.

It all started a few months ago, back in
January. School had just started back
up, and I couldn’t have been more
excited. I hadn’t seen Alex the entire
Christmas Break. But, when I finally saw
her, I almost didn’t recognize her at all.

Her normally perfectly gelled-up

Mohawk was sagging and losing its
pure white color. Her skin was pale,
even paler than usual. She was wearing
a plain black hoodie and plain jeans, a
huge contrast to the bright sleeveless
shirts, long fingerless gloves and black
leather pants that she normally wore.

And the weirdest thing of all? Alex was

wearing a face mask. Now, if it was
anyone else, that wouldn’t have been
anything really concerning, but Alex?
Alex hated wearing face masks with a
burning passion. If she was wearing
one, well then, something was seriously
wrong.
As I ran up to say hi, another weird
thing occurred. Alex flinched away. To
others, it would have gone completely
unnoticed, but I was her best friend. It
was kind of my job to know these
things.

Alex had stared at me for a solid

minute, before mumbling quietly, “Hey,
Lee. How ‘ya been?” Alex speaking
quietly? That was a sure-fire sign of the
apocalypse.

“‘Sup ‘Lex? I’ve been fine. How ‘bout

you? What’ve you been up to all
break?” I asked.

Hearing that, Alex’s face seemed to

pale even more, if that was even
possible. She looked down, suddenly
finding the floor tiles very interesting.
“Nothing important or anything,
haha...” she muttered.

At that point, I knew something was up,

but I also thought that Alex would have
told me if it was really important, so I
supposed it was nothing big.

How utterly STUPID I was.

Instead of asking more, and pressing

her for answers, I just went off rambling
about how fun my break was
“Ah! Hey, Alex, did ya know? I got this
new gaming PC from my grandparents
and it is SO good! Like, what the heck?
Is this thing even real? It’s like
something heaven sent or something!
And you know what else? The new
season of Free! came out! Aghh, Haru
and Rin are so good together! But
man~ If only Makoto was real~ I would
go for that man ANY DAY. What do you
think, ‘Lex?”

Out of nowhere, Alex suddenly said that

she needed to go, and dashed off to
who-knows-where.

And so began the cycle of me, trying to

talk to Alex, and them avoiding me.

“Hey Alex! What are you do-“ “Oops! I

gotta go Lee! Sorry!”

“Yo, Alex! Wanna hang out after school

today?” “Ahh, sorry Lee, I have
something else I need to do!”

“Alex, I-“ “Hi Lee! Bye Lee!”

Eventually, Alex stopped coming to
school altogether. She started
completely ignoring all my calls and
texts. Finally, I decided to go to her
house. After all, Aunt Sayoko and Uncle
Charles knew me. They would definitely
let me see Alex, right?

Wrong.

“Hi, Aunt Sayoko? Is Alex home?”

And SLAM! The door shut right in front

of my face.
Through the door, I heard Aunt
Sayoko’s muffled voice saying,

“Apologies, Lee, but Alex does not wish

to see anyone right now. Goodbye.”
That was EXTREMELY strange. Aunt
Sayoko, who was always so kind,
almost like a mother to me, was acting
cold and aloof.

As I was about to leave, confused, I had

a sudden instinctual feeling to just stay
put. So, that is exactly what I did. I
lingered on their driveway, waiting for
something. What that something was, I
had no idea.

Just when I had finally decided to just

give up and go home, I heard coughing.
Not just normal coughs, like when you
have a cold, but hacking, choked
coughs paired with shuddering breaths.
And of all places for those horrible
deathly sounds to come from, they
came from Alex’s bedroom.
Turning towards her window, I saw few
small flowers fly out. As the wind
dropped one beside me, I picked it up,
out of habit, and tried to identify it, but
I couldn’t seem to. Running my fingers
along the petals in confusion, I felt
something strange and wet, and
dropped the flower in shock. As I took
my fingers off the flower, I saw them
come off, sticky with bright scarlet
blood.
I was scared. No, I was terrified. Why
had I been holding a flower covered in
blood, and why had it come from my
best friend’s window? Picking up the
flower, I ran home, questions and
theories racing through my mind. I
could feel my heart beating, louder and
faster than I thought possible.

As soon as I got home, I was on my

computer, searching for answers.
“my friend coughs bloody flowers what
do i do?” No results.

“bloody flower spit” Nothing but weird

fanart.

“coughing flowers” Finally! Something

relevant!
“Ha-na-ha-ki Disease? What the heck is
that?” I wonderd, clicking on the first
link.

It explained everything. How Hanahaki

only manifests in those with unrequited
love. How the flowers slowly kill their
victim. How the only “cure” wasn’t even
a cure after all, just a slightly less
horrible alternative.
Turning to the blood-soaked flower I
had, I went to my sink, and carefully
rinsed the blood off.

A Daffodil. It means either

“Unequalled Love”, “You’re the
Only One”, or “The Sun is Always
Shining When I’m with You”
Heh, I always knew Alex was really a
big softie, no matter how much they
denied it.
But that doesn’t matter. Nothing
matters except for Alex getting that
surgery. I don’t care about whoever it is
she loves. I don’t care if it’s risky. I
don’t care if it’ll make her lose all ability
to love. I’d rather have an emotionless
Alex that a dead one.

Picking up my phone, I called Alex, but

nobody came. I tried again. Still,
nobody came. Again, and again and
again, but always, nobody came.

Until finally, she picked up.

“Hello?” Her voice was hardly more

than a hoarse whisper. “Lee? Why are
you calling me? Stop it. Whatever’s
going on with my life, it’s my life, not
yours.”
“Alex wait!” I yelled frantically, praying
she wouldn’t hang up. “I know! I know
that you have Hanahaki!”

“W-What? How on earth did you find

out?”

“ I saw some flowers coming from your

window! I did reaearch! But that
doesn’t matter! Just get that surgery!”

“... I can’t. I don’t care if I die. I can’t

bear to lose my feelings for him!”

“Who cares?? Who is this guy anyways?

Who is he to you that you’re willing to
die for him?”

I could feel Alex’s sad smile through the

phone.
“ It’s you, dummy. It’s always been you.
You see? That’s why I can’t give up.
Because I will never give up on you.”

“...”

“Hahh, of course you won’t even reply.

After all, you don’t feel the same. If you
did, I wouldn’t have this dumb flower
disease. Either way, here are my final
word to you, I guess.

“Azalea. Pink Camelia. Striped

Carnation. Jonquil. Primrose.
Sweetpea.”

She hung up, and my phone fell to the

floor. I didn’t even register it, with how
loud Alex’s voice was ringing in my
head.
Azalea

Pink Camelia

Striped Carnation

Jonquil

Primrose

Sweetpea

Azalea – “Take Care of Yourself For

Me”
Pink Camelia – “Longing for You”
Striped Carnation – “Sorry I Can’t
Be With You”, “Wish I Could Be
With You”
Jonquil – “Love Me”, “Desire For
Affection Returned”
Primrose – “I Can’t Live Without
You”
Sweetpea – “Good-bye”,
“Departure”, “Thank You For A
Lovely Time”
Alex’s final words to me... were a love
confession.
Words bouncing around in my brain, I
ran back to Alex’s house. Ignoring the
strange looks I was getting, I scaled the
house and got in through Alex’s
window.

There, I saw it. Alex’s body, on her bed.

Smiling serenely, with her phone in one
hand, still showing my contact name.
Blooming from her mouth was one last
flower, a parting gift, it seemed.

A Cyclamen. Resignation and

Goodbye.

As I stared at her -body, I vaguely

remember falling to my knees. As tears
rolled freely down my face I felt
something. Something that came from
the back of my throat. Someting that is
now as familiar to me as walking. That
something was two flower petals, focing
their way out of me.
Snatching one up, I started laughing at
the sheer irony.

Ambrosia. It was Ambrosia of all

flowers that came out of me. Ambrosia,
the flower that literally means “Your
Love Is Reciprocated.” Ambrosia, the
flower I should have given to Alex when
she was still alive.

So, yes that’s it. That’s everything. The

story of how my best friend died, by my
own hands.
As I write in this, I am in a hospital’s
waiting room, about to get that god-
forsaken surgery. If this fails, I will most
certainly die. But if this succeeds, I will
never love again. I can’t decide which is
worse
Either way, this “me” dies today. So,
having said that, I suppose this is the
last time I can ever say, write or think
these words with any sincerity.

“I Love You, Alex.”

~
Lee Tsubasa
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Regine Ting lives in Cebu City,
Philippines. She is currently a
Junior High One student at Bethany
Christian School. She enjoys
spending her days reading books
and listening to songs she doesn’t
understand.