Oxymorons: Quotes & Sayings
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Arts
• My play was a complete success. The audience was a failure.
• Samuel Goldwyn, when told a script was full of old clichés:
Let's have some new clichés. -- Samuel Goldwyn
• Samuel Goldwyn: What kind of dancing does Martha Graham
do? Associate: Modern dancing. Samuel Goldwyn: I don't want
her then; modern dancing is so old fashioned. -- Samuel
Goldwyn
Business
• A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on. -- Samuel
Goldwyn
• Bookkeeper: Mr. Goldwyn, our files are bulging with paperwork
we no longer need. May I have your permission to destroy all
records before 1945? Goldwyn: Certainly. Just be sure to keep
a copy of everything. -- Samuel Goldwyn
• Free advice is worth what you paid for it.
• I paid too much for it, but it’s worth it. -- Samuel Goldwyn
• Minimum wage for a maximum loser. -- (from The Hot Chick
movie)
• We're overpaying him, but he's worth it. -- Samuel Goldwyn
• You'd be surprised how much it costs to look this cheap. --
Dolly Parton
Change
• Change is the only constant.
• Have you lived in this village all your life? 'No, not yet'.
• I always wanted to be a procrastinator.
• I disagree with unanimity.
• I have a twin brother; he's identical, but I'm not.
• I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not sure.
• My identity lies in not knowing who I am.
• My life has a superb cast but I can't figure out the plot.
Ashleigh Brilliant
• No matter where you go, there you are!
• On one hand, I'm indecisive; but on the other, I'm not.
• The only certainty is that nothing is certain. -- Pliny the Elder
• The only thing I don't Procrastinate about is Procrastination.
Education
• I am always ready to learn although I do not always like being
taught. -- Winston Churchill
• I have never let my schooling interfere with my education. --
Mark Twain
Family
• You got your momma's taste but you got my mouth. -- Ben
Folds, in his song 'Gracie'
Fashion
• A woman met a man walking along the street wearing only one
shoe. 'Just lost a shoe?' she asked. He answered, 'Nope, just
found one'.
• I never put on a pair of shoes until I've worn them at least five
years. -- Samuel Goldwyn
Food
• I never eat before breakfast. -- W.C. Fields, referring to his
drinking habit
• She used to diet on any kind of food she could lay her hands
on. -- Arthur Baer, American comic and columnist
General
• Always be on the lookout for the obvious.
• Always remember you're unique... just like everyone else!
• Anyone who isn't confused here doesn't really know what's
going on.
• Australia is a pretty big continent.
• Be here now, when you can. -- Ron McIntosh
• Drive slowly, we're in a hurry. -- Winston Churchill to his
chauffeur
• Everything is so random there must be a pattern.
• Excuse me? I happen to be genuinely self-absorbed and
deeply shallow. -- Fiyero Tiggular, Wicked musical
• Half the lies our opponents tell about us are not true. -- Sir
Boyle Roche
• I am a deeply superficial person. -- Andy Warhol
• I am easily satisfied with the very best. -- Winston Churchill
• I can give you a definite perhaps. -- Samuel Goldwyn
• I can resist everything but temptation. -- Mark Twain
• I can't remember having a more memorable time.
• I didn't do anything wrong, and I won't do it again.
• If there's one thing I can't stand, it's intolerance.
• I'm proud of my humility.
• I'm still not sure if I understand ambiguity.
• It's eight o'clock, sir! - Why the devil didn't you tell me that
before? -- Overheard in hotel
• It's wrong to be always right.
• Life is full of uncertainties ... or I could be wrong about that?
• No one goes to that place anymore - it's always too crowded. --
Yogi Berra
• Nobody goes to Miami in the Winter. It's too crowded. -- Yogi
Berra
• Perspective is in the eye of the beholder.
Government & Politics
• Prejudiced people are all alike.
• Remember the future. -- Tagline for the movie "Paycheck"
• Reporter: You say you've never made a picture before?
Samuel Goldwyn: Yes, but that's our strongest weak point. --
Samuel Goldwyn
• Some people say that I'm superficial, but that's just on the
surface.
• The clock is two minutes ahead and one hour behind.
• The golden rule is that there are no golden rules. -- George
Bernard Shaw
• The good oxymoron, to define it by a self-illustration, must be a
planned inadvertency. -- Wilson Follett
• The Right way is the Wrong way and the Left way is the Right
way. (Driving directions)
• The saddest moment in a person's life comes but once.
• The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used
to be. -- Paul Valery
• The world is full of apathy, but I don't care.
• There is only one difference between a madman and me. I am
not mad. -- Salvador Dali
• There's no such thing as non-existence.
• They say it's not as bad as they say it is.
• This page intentionally left blank. -- (Non-blank with the
comment)
• Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights make a left.
• Walking up stairs gets me down.
• We must believe in free will. We have no choice. -- Isaac B.
Singer
• You always find something in the last place you look.
• You're the dumbest smart person I've ever met. -- from the
movie 'I, Robot'
• You've no idea of what a poor opinion I have of myself, and
how little I deserve it. -- W.S. Gilbert
• A person who doesn't vote votes for the winner!
• A politician needs the ability to foretell what is going to happen
tomorrow, next week, next month, and next year. And to have
the ability afterwards to explain why it didn't happen. --
Winston Churchill
• A unified, neutral Germany? Given that nation's heritage, such
a phrase may prove to be the oxymoron of the decade. --
Kevin M. Matarese, Fulda, West Germany; as seen in 'Letters',
Time magazine, March 5, 1990, page 5
 • An abstention is a vote for the winner!
• As famous as the unknown soldier.
• Don't worry about the war. It's all over but the shooting. --
Samuel Goldwyn
• If Roosevelt was alive, he'd turn over in his grave. -- Samuel
Goldwyn
• It has been said that democracy is the worst form of
government except all the others that have been tried. --
Winston Churchill
• The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of
blessings; the inherent virtue of socialism is the equal sharing
of miseries. -- Winston Churchill
• The only new thing in this world is the history you did not know.
-- Harry Truman
Health
• A hospital is no place to be sick. -- Samuel Goldwyn
• A little pain never hurt anyone.
• Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head
examined. -- Samuel Goldwyn
• He lived his life to the end.
• Hypochondria is the one disease I have not got.
• I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
• If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive. --
Samuel Goldwyn
• Often it is fatal to live too long. -- Racine
• Rehab is for quitters!
• The first condition of immortality is death. -- Stanislaw Lec
• The scene is dull. Tell him to put more life into his dying. --
Samuel Goldwyn
• Who is the oldest inhabitant of this village? 'We haven't got
one; we had one, but he died three weeks ago'.
Legal
• After Donald Trump's stretch limousine was stolen and found
undamaged a few blocks away; he said, 'Nothing was stolen. I
had an honest thief.' -- International Herald Tribune, March 2,
1992, page 3
Mathematics
• The 50-50-90 rule: Any time you have a 50-50 chance of
getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it
wrong.
• The shortest distance between two points is how far apart they
are.
• There are only three kinds of people; people who can count
and people who can't.
• Why don't you pair ‘em up in threes? -- Yogi Berra
Recreation
• A joke is a very serious thing. -- Winston Churchill
• Staying awake to chase a dream. -- Muse (UK rock band) in
their song 'Falling Away With You'
• We take fun seriously.
Relationships
• Always be sincere, even when you don't mean it. -- Irene Peter
• As far as I'm concerned, treachery will sometimes bring loyalty
into question.
• Every time I see her, it just eats me inside out.
• Gentlemen, for your information, I have a question to ask you.
-- Samuel Goldwyn
• He doesn't have much of a reputation or so I've heard.
• He has all of the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I
admire. -- Winston Churchill
• I always advise people never to give advice. -- P. G.
Wodehouse
• I am not sincere, even when I say I am not. -- Jules Renard
• I deserve respect for the things I did not do.
• I hate you as much as I love you.
 • I have this nagging fear that everyone is out to make me
paranoid.
• I keep telling myself that I am a pathological liar, but I am not
sure if I believe it.
• I never liked you, and I always will. -- Samuel Goldwyn
• I wouldn't be paranoid if everyone didn't pick on me.
• If you fall and break your legs, don't come running to me. --
Samuel Goldwyn
• I'm not going to say, 'I told you so'.
• Maybe the bitterness will make you a bit sweeter. -- R.M.
• Melancholy is the pleasure of being sad. -- Victor Hugo
• 'No comment' is a splendid expression. I am using it again and
again. -- Winston Churchill
• Of course I can keep secrets. It's the people I tell them to that
can't keep them. -- Anthony Haden-Guest
• Our comedies are not to be laughed at. -- Samuel Goldwyn
• Our similarities are different. -- Dale Berra, son of Yogi
• Parting is such sweet sorrow. -- William Shakespeare
• People have one thing in common: they are all different.
• Samuel Goldwyn, when told his son was getting married:
Thank heaven. A bachelor's life is no life for a single man. --
Samuel Goldwyn
• Seriously, you need to lighten up.
• Some bachelors want a meaningful overnight relationship.
• Too bad Sponge Bob is not here to celebrate Sponge Bob not
being here! -- Squidward
• Treat me like an angel and I'll be your little devil.
• You Win, I Win, We Lose. -- Lyrics, Kenny Chesney
• You're on my list of people that will never make any list of
mine.
Religion
• Christ was born in year 4 B.C.
• Evil isn't all bad.
• I die every day; I mean that brothers, just as surely as I glory
over you in Christ Jesus our Lord. -- 1 Corinthians 15:31
• Thank God I'm an Atheist.
Science
• For NASA, space is still a high priority.
• In the city today the temperature rose to 180 degrees. This
sudden rise of temperature was responsible for the intolerable
heat.
• It isn't an optical illusion. It just looks like one.
• Most bacteria have the decency to be microscopic.
Epulopiscium fishelsoni is not among them. The newly
identified one-celled macro-microorganism is a full .5 mm long,
large enough to be seen with the naked eye. -- Described in
the current Nature, 'It is a million times as massive as a typical
bacterium.' - Time, March 29, 1993, page 25
• The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep. -- W.C.
Fields
Skills
• Always and never are two words you should always remember
never to use. -- Wendell Johnson
• Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think. -- Ambrose
Bierce
• Chronoscopy is the observation and exact estimation of time. --
Exact estimation
• Common sense is not so common.
• Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is
also what it takes to sit down and listen. -- Winston Churchill
• Do not put statements in the negative form. And don't start
sentences with a conjunction. It is incumbent on one to avoid
archaisms. If you reread your work, you will find on rereading
that a great deal of repetition can be avoided by re-reading and
editing. Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.
Unqualified superlatives are the worst of all. De-accession
euphemisms. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence,
a linking verb is. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.
 Never, ever use repetitive redundancies. Also, avoid awkward • We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not
or affected alliteration. Last, but not least, avoid cliches like the occur.
plague. -- Great Rules for writing from William Safire in the • You win big when you lose right.
New York Times
• Everyone writes on the walls except me. -- Said to be graffiti Society & Culture
seen in Pompeii • An Irishman is never at peace except when he's fighting.
• Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement. • Hegel was right when he said that we learn from history that
• He talks right and runs left. -- Bob Dole, on Clinton's changing- man can never learn anything from history. -- George Bernard
political positions Shaw
• I always avoid prophesying beforehand, because it is much • You non-conformists are all the same. -- Muse (UK rock band)
better to prophesy after the event has already taken place. -- in their song
Winston Churchill
• I distinctly remember forgetting that. -- Clara Barton Technology
• I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after • Click the 'Start' button to Shut Down the computer.
they're dead. -- Samuel Goldwyn • Why don't they make the whole airplane out of that black box
• I have made mistakes, but have never made the mistake of stuff? -- Steven Wright
claiming I never made one. -- James G. Bennet
• I have nothing to offer but blood, toil, tears and sweat. --
Winston Churchill
• I must follow the people. Am I not their leader? -- Benjamin
Disraeli
• It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good
impromptu speech. -- Mark Twain
• I've told you for the fifty-thousandth time, stop exaggerating.
• May I ask a question?
• Not only am I redundant and superfluous, but I also tend to use
more words than necessary.
• Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
• Spontaneity is good as long as it is controlled.
• Stop stabbing yourself in the back. -- Judith Briles
• Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of
enthusiasm. -- Winston Churchill
• This report is filled with omissions.
• To lead the people, walk behind them. -- Lao-Tzu
• We are not anticipating any emergencies.