To Blossom and Back

A true story that follows a journey of emotion, pain and uncontrollable desire.

This book is for everyone that might be involved in an all-consuming affair. It tells the story… but with that story
comes truths, emotions, advice and counsel.

1 2 3 4.

Author: P Hopkins.

I hereby assert and give notice of my right under section 77 of the Copyright, designs and patents Act 1988 to be identified as
the author of the foregoing publication.
All rights reserved.
No part of this publication may be produced in any form or by any means without prior permission in writing from the author.

Chapters.

1. Brief.

2. Let’s go back in time, who was I?

3. Let’s go back in time, the marriage.

4. The flirting.

5. The not knowing, was it real?

6. The 1st choice, and there was one!

7. I am well and truly in now.

8. Euphoria and Addictions.

9. Uh Oh! The worst trip of my life! France.

10. Serious discussion, Plan to break up. We made up, well that failed then!

11. And so, it continued.

12. Guilt vs Pleasure.

13. The excitement grew.

14. The norm.

15. A new direction?

16. Short lived - Feed the beast.

17. Lies, lies and more lies.

18. My marriage was almost gone.

19. New Zealand.

20. What were the warning signs?

21. Saviours of my life.

22. My best friend, wife and lover.

23. Challenges. Enough now!

Chapter

1. Brief.

Your feelings, memories and past will find you and it will bite you. But hey, I made those
memories, I made those decisions…. or did I?
Yes, I did. At least I think I did, albeit in a fog of fantasy and lies… or was it? Occasionally I want it
to bite me! Because, bizarrely I want to remember the buzz – to experience that excitement, the
passion… The intense foreplay and build up, the first time I entered someone and had amazing
sex with, that someone that I seemed close to. The love that I thought it was. Was it, or wasn’t it?
Even at this point I’m unsure.
But that is no excuse, that’s what I tell myself. There was no excuse for having an affair. NONE!

So here we go. This is not easy, as it is all still so fresh and…. well let’s say early days. Here I sit
in my office 11500 miles from where the affair happened. I carried out the acts, various actions
that were not me really, whether lies deceit, sex etc., which I will discuss later. You can run, but
you cannot hide from what you have done.

So hopefully this real story will unfold the depths of what happened. How uncontrollable it was
and amazing it was for Rose and me. But also how horrible it was for my wife and friends. I will
try to describe the feelings and emotions, the reality versus fantasy.

So, what happened? How did a married guy of 25 years who was faithful and had integrity, end
up hurting his wife and those around him? Well there is a story, an interesting one at that.

One thing I have learnt is that we are all human, fact! We all have weakness, we all fail at some
point, no matter what that failure is, big or small, we all fail.
I failed. I took my eye off the ball and was sucked in to a void of pleasure and pain. Was it worth
it? No!? Yes!? Maybe!? Were there good times? Yes… But these were washed away by hurt and
guilt.
So, the pleasure was nothing more than a fix, but a fix is a fix, right? Short lived, short term. Well,
I actually think it was more than that. Why? Because I am not someone who longs for a fix, I
yearn for the real thing. That’s what I wanted at the time.
However, a fix feels good and leaves you wanting more. You know it is wrong, but oh so nice,
right? But the tears soon follow. When you see the pain, you are causing. Not just the cruel pain
you are causing to someone you love, but the pain you cause yourself.

To be fair this is not all about me, but I had never cried so much in 9 months (and still do at times)
as I did over this situation. I cried for my marriage, I cried for the pain I was causing, I cried
because I did not want to lose my wife, I cried because I did not want to lose my lover! I cried
because I was scared. One even contemplates ending it all due to utter confusion, because
suicide seems a way out. Sounds crazy. It was crazy. Purely and utter out of control. All because
of a chemical which when released into the body makes it feel, oh so wonderful.

We are human beings that pay attention to stimuli that are possibly fulfilling, even in the absence
of any possibility of reward. The brain thinks that this is good, this is right, this will happen…
dopamine dysregulation would kindle episodes of fierce cravings, because such episodes had led
in the past to a renewed ingestion of the drug in question. I lay there floating in a world of
fantasies and pleasure, just floating and grinning like a school boy in love (but hey, this was
deeper than a school boy in love scenario - I actually think I was in love) but awoken with one hell
of a thud, as I came crashing down to reality.
Up and down, up and down it went, since that day, the day I asked a simple question en route to
a work training day, continuing to now, almost two years down the track.

I became a lying, cheating bastard. I talked to good friends about my problem for hours, the poor
souls, but they were there for me. Gently advising and guiding. Understanding, yet confused I
listened to them. But the struggle within me always won once again and there I would be, texting
the wrong person and getting my fix. If only I could explain the feelings. But some of you will
understand, oh that feeling…

Love comes into the equation as well. The question of what is love, am I in love, is this true love?
I had never used Google so much in all my entire life, as I did over those nine months:

 How do I know if she loves me?

 Does she truly love me?
 What are the signs she loves me?
 What are signs she likes me?
 How do I know she is flirting?
 How do I make a move?
 What if I get it wrong?
 How do I know my wife loves me (stupid one)
 My wife does not communicate with me
 How to build a marriage back up
 Do affairs last? (Apparently only 3% do, but even then what if I am in the 3%... of course I
will be)

There are just a few that I Googled.

Always searching, always looking for answers. Funny, the answer was always there, but not on
Google. Google never supplied it. How could it? Google (which is essentially people) cannot tell
you what to do, neither can anyone else? Nothing or no one could answer your dilemma. Why
should they? They have their own troubles. You and me, we must answer our own questions.
With help yes, with wise words yes. We can listen to advice but ultimately we need to decide and
act.
That is the problem though, when you are so deep into something you just get that drowning
feeling.

Which reminds me of a song that used to bring me to tears because of the anguish.
This song came up on my play list when I was well and truly involved with Rose, But Mitchell just
kept on fighting for me.

Belinda Carlisle: In Too Deep.

I was high and dry
Don't ask me why
We took the wrong turn that day
Out on that long lonely highway.
The river was pounding below
And how we crashed, I'll never know
But suddenly I can't swim
So this is drowning

Suddenly I'm in too deep

To ever get out
I gave you my heart and my soul to keep
Don't give me your doubts
I'm over my head
And it's scaring me so
I'm in too deep
I'm in too deep

Thanks for the crash course

That ride upon your noble horse
Well we jumped the fence that day
And rode so far away
Will I forever roam?
I only want to come home
So won't you throw me a line?
I think it's really time

Suddenly I'm in too deep

To ever get out
I gave you my heart and soul to keep
Don't give me your doubts
I'm over…

So, as I write this book and share my experiences and my musings of what I have learnt I am
sure I will offend, or you will want to shout at me in disagreement and astonishment at what I say.
But know this. I have learnt so much, and this education is ongoing. The affair ended, but the pain
continues and so does the rationalisation, as I wonder sometimes aimlessly through life. Plus, I
appreciate we all have different experiences and are all in different situations, so my experience
may not be relatable.
But this experience has brought me a new understanding of addictions or, maybe dare I say true
love? I don’t know, maybe I myself will have more clarity and understanding by the time I have
written this.

2. Let’s go back in time, who was I?

Well there I was, a regular hard-working guy. 46 years old, 5ft 9 weighing in at about 12st 8lbs
(overweight - a bit). Good looking (ish). Brown hair. Looked after myself, I had a well-shaped
body, thankfully and am not embarrassed of any part! I liked to stay in shape (ish) I find it brings
confidence. I was not shy, which is liberating. Dressed well and smelt good. Not vain, but self-
conscious of how I appeared. I enjoyed nice clothes, I was picky about what I wore, if I wore
something and saw a photo of myself and that piece of clothing looked horrendous then I would
bin it and wear it no more!
I had my own style, I would say smart and slick. I loved good quality comfortable shoes, oh and I
like watches... I have about 12, not many but enough. I was manly and liked to be manly, but in
touch with my feminine side. PMSL.., I was once labelled by a female work colleague as
“metrosexual”?
I enjoy manly things such as cars and gadgets. I always related to Tim the Tool Man Taylor from
Home improvements. LOL, I do like a bit of DIY etc.
By the way all the above is still the case, apart from being 46.

I had always been loyal until my affair. I loved sex (always have) and liked to talk about it. I didn’t
shy away from the subject and I liked to know what others (my wife) liked. I enjoyed dirty talk and
not just boring missionary position. I enjoy my manhood, penis, cock and what it can do. Or what
others can do with it. I think sex is a taboo subject to a degree, yet it is one of the most
pleasurable, powerful, destructive attributes we have. I love my sexuality and the pleasure it
gives. I am not just talking about the act, (of course that is great) but the build up to the act can be
better sometimes, the anticipation etc., the flirting and movements along with the dress code.
How a woman moves and responds. The flick of her hair, the look in her eye. I love those
aspects. Sometimes just to lay together and chat touch, play, laugh and to connect, is as big as
intercourse itself. Flirting is an amazing act. It taunts and teases, makes us fantasise, dream and
want and we’ll do things we possibly should not do.
In a marriage flirting is essential and should never stop, by either party.

Ok try this.

I imagine Mitchell and me getting ready to go out for dinner.

Mitchell showers. I watch her as she moves the other side of the steamed-up glass. She rubs
herself slowly and precisely. Flicks her hair. She gets out of the shower walks up to me and
presses her wet body against mine. She feels warm from the hot water. But she doesn’t want
more, no not yet and I am happy about that.
She dry’s and starts to dress. She puts on the sexiest underwear. A classy bra and skimpy G-
strings.
She flirts and moves with confidence. The curtains are open she knows people can see her if they
want to. She dresses to kill. She walks past me and puts her hand on me and says I want you
later… I smile.
We get in the car and drive. We get to the restaurant and order dinner and wine. She drinks and
plays footsie. She knows what she wants alright. After great conversation and some serious
laughing, I pay the bill get in the car, but on route home as we drive through the forest she tells
me to stop the car. I stop. She gets out and walks to the front of the car. I sit there and watch. The
glow of the headlights on her, turn her into a beautiful silhouette. She points at me. I get out and
walk to her in the glow of the headlights she puts her hands on the car bonnet turns and looks at
me. We move slowly, not yet… not yet. We move on and drive home, drink some wine and take it
to the bedroom, and have a great time.
Fantasy or fiction?

I share it with Mitchell who says “we should do this”. I’m still waiting Mitchell!
Have you done this or similar after 20 years of marriage? Well done if you have. If not do it!

So, to dream and flirt is good. This is what I do.

To lay in bed whilst she is next to you. Feel and dream. Come on we have all done it. For her to
just lightly touch you and push you to the edge is nice.
I will talk about my marital sex life in the next chapter.

I loved to see a good female figure and appreciated it (not in a perverse way), but you know
sometimes just to watch a sexy lady and to think, to admire and to imagine, it is so pleasurable.
To see a great body and self-confidence. A lady who knows she has it, walks with a swagger and
dresses to kill, but in a classy, sexy way is very sensual.
However, I was not and am not shallow. I respect everyone and I have great friends of all shapes
and sizes and I love them all. To be honest a larger lady who is tanned, well dressed and has
confidence can prove just as attractive. The key is looking and dressing well, no matter who you
are.
Let me be clear though, I am a real man, living in a real world and deal with the problems of life in
a focused way. I am not some horny man looking for a quickie, that is not my interested at all and
never was.

Personally, and this is now as well as then (well of course this is my opinion, so I will try to keep it
modest) I consider myself a thoughtful person, I think about situations and life a lot. I wonder and
ponder about the mysteries of life and its pathways. How we got here, where are we going, what
we get from it. I love good discussions about all kinds of topics. I like to give opinions, I like to
hear other opinions and if we do not agree I like to converse more and learn as to why others
think what they are thinking. I am not keen to sit in a room with people who say nothing! I may as
well go and sit in a graveyard! Of course, to be quiet has its place at times, but I like to be around
people with life, to be able to start a conversation, to ask a question and to laugh. To laugh at
themselves, at me and at life. To watch comedy and like to be a part of comedy. I have a good
sense of humour. I love to crack a joke, but not a one liner, but a sarcastic comment, banter… but
with respect. I do like to laugh and I love other people that make me laugh. A lady that laughs,
what a joy, what a pleasure, what a turn on!

I hate to be preached at, not just in the terms of religion but any subject. I do not like people telling
me how it is, or how it should or should not be. I know people who think they are God’s gift to who
knows what and to be honest I switch off. If you are so full of your own self-importance, then you
are not for me. I listen, so I expect the same. I do not brag, so I expect the same. I have known
people that are so self-absorbed that all I want is to run away, the trouble is they tend to follow.
They are quite happy to be opinionated and borderline with their comments, happy to give but
certainly would not take it. I find them infuriating… I try to tolerate them, but they bring out the
worst behaviour in me I’m afraid.
I tolerate too much sometimes and from time to time, feeI I am not opinionated enough. I do not
like confrontation, but I certainly do not hide from it, if I feel the need. I will tell someone. Which
leads me on to work.

Work, I miss my old workplace. I miss most of the team. Of course as always, there were the few
self-absorbed ignorant, selfish ones who did not understand the meaning of team or respect,
making my life a misery at times. I would love to name them, but I will refrain from that, but the
rest of them were a good team. There were some really nice people there. I worked in the NHS
which is a good place to work, albeit full of bureaucracy and policy, but if you work with it, it will
work for you. I progressed up to a high-ranking position over an 8 year period, which resulted in
me overseeing 4 services. But the service I worked in the longest was where I found the truly
good people, friends that I still have contact with today and hopefully will have for life. In fact, one
of those people was very significant in my affair and helped me so much, he is a true legend to
me and I hope he knows it (I have told him numerous times).
So yes, I worked in the NHS as Head of Services. I was a firm but fair boss, I respected most of
the team members and always tried to help and support them.
I learnt a lot from my days in the NHS. In fact, I could write a book on the NHS alone and my
experiences in that organisation and the way it behaves and misbehaves, but I won’t bore you
with the details that is another story. I worked bloody hard for that organisation and lost sleep
whilst I was there, but it was a good place to work and it faired me well.
But I will explain about work more in the next chapter as that links into the affair and how it all
started.

I was brought up in a very religious home and was moulded into a good Christian boy for far too
long. Amazing how religion shapes a person and brainwashes them into being a supressed guilt
ridden individual. Making you live a life of guilt and shame, when you do something wrong, or
maybe something that is perceived as wrong. Begging for forgiveness, when all you are is human.
Richard Dawkins has some very interesting views on this and is well worth a watch if you are
religious, as does Ricky Gervais, but don’t get hung up on that right now. To be fair Richard
Dawkins is almost as bad as he pushes science like he is on commission, but Ricky makes some
good points.
So many years living like this…. and then for me to bring my children up that way as well….
shame on me! But I eventually broke free and made it very clear to my children that they are free
to make their own choices and that I had no right to impose on their personality or decision
making in the past.

Interesting that the first seven years of your life are the foundation passed on by your parents
influencing to how you will develop in life. There is a great book called - Home Coming:
Reclaiming and Championing Your Inner Child by John Bradshaw. I strongly recommend it, read
it, but only when you finish this book of course .
It is amazing how messed up in the head we can be, but you can break the cycle. I will mention
cognitive counselling later which helped me a great deal.

Anyway as I said, I eventually managed to break free from the Christian grip, albeit too late in my
life. I sometimes wonder if I am making up for lost time, as I never really went through a wild side
and kind of regret that. Although does one affair count as a wild side, maybe not? It may have
happened anyway.

I think about others too much and I am always afraid of what they will think of me. However, that
does not prevent me from standing up for what I believe is right or wrong, I just worry about the
others afterwards and what they may be saying behind my back, that’s kind of sad but that’s me.

What do I look for in people? I look for honesty, loyalty, do you know I always wondered what the
old saying “a friend in need is a friend indeed” really meant. But I found out, a true friend is there
to help in times of someone else’s need, without judgement or criticism, just to support. I do
expect a lot from a friend, but I give a lot in return. I truly value friends and enjoy them.

I am a father of two. I have a lovely daughter and a great son, who I love and protect. I have
always been a family man and tried to do right by my family. I have made mistakes with my
children, but haven’t we all? I am very proud of them.

So, that is a little snippet about me, of course there is a lot more to me, so much more, I am a
very deep thinker and way too complex for my own good. But I am here to write about the affair
not just my personality.

3. Let’s go back in time, the marriage.

Ok my marriage and some history.

We got married in 1990.

In 2015 we went to Rome (I mention Rome as it is relevant later in the story) and celebrated our
25 year anniversary.

25 years, I won’t bore you with the details, but we like a lot of people went through some hard
times. We have never been financial wealthy and everything we have, we have worked hard for.

I struggle a bit here, because as a marriage lasts the marriage kind of develops into a routine and
I kind of lost touch of what our marriage was. But that was because of certain elements. Never the
less I would stress that Mitchell has been a fantastic wife and mother and has worked extremely
hard. I have at times thought that she works too hard for others and that they have been a priority
over her and me sometimes, which has been tricky. But we have been through a lot together and
through it we have been a great team. Mitchell is a great woman and always thinks of everyone
else first. I just wish that sometimes she would sit down and open up. Talk and converse about
life and it problems. Find friends, get a hobby, anything other than housework and washing.
However there are qualities: loyal, considerate, pleasant, supportive, caring and there are many
more.
Something I would like to see more of are: conversation, laughter, relaxation, looking for the fun
and the silly things in life, giggles, more confidence etc. But I know what you are thinking, love her
for what she is, not what you want.
The good thing is experience is a great teacher, I have learnt much and am now recognising how
I can encourage her more and possibly help Mitchell have fun. I look and listen as well, learning
from her as well as she possesses some really good qualities that I could adopt myself.

Anyway, I will start this from about two years before my affair, as that was the worst time for me in
the marriage. Please note this is from my perspective only, Mitchell may argue and state
differences as she would see things from her perspective. Maybe she should write a book from
her angle and the affects it had on her, I am sure it would help many people.

We were good together and we have had lots of laughs, but those laughs for me were only
presenting themselves when we were with other friends. Remember this is two years before the
affair, not our entire marriage. We had travelled a lot and had lived in New Zealand together for a
while so we were not afraid to live life. We had good holidays and some great times with friends.
We enjoyed exploring, movies and other things, but as time went on things became different. We
drifted apart. Oh, that old chestnut you say, well people do! I don’t know why?

I think we change as we get older. Maybe we learn things from others, or we engage with others
in different ways and we take this home, expecting our partners to be, or to do what others do.
Maybe…. Or maybe we find something that we were lacking in a relationship, discovering a whole
new realm of life that we didn’t even know existed and we want to peruse that more, to enjoy
those experiences. Maybe it is simply dreams that others help you achieve. It might be a new
hobby or interest, it might just be expressing things more openly, or it may just be finding true
love. Who knows? We are all different and experience things in different ways.
The problem is the older we become the more we discover what is actually out there. What I
mean by that is this the following… I could be friends with the same person for 20 years – I go out
with them to shop, go to the movies, chat about politics and the routine things in life, they are
relatively quiet but they are a good loyal friend and would help at any time. After 20 years I meet
another person and build an entirely new friendship. Only this brings an entirely new level of
friendship. This friend is loud, brings banter and loud laughter, they drink and get merry more.
They enjoy going out for meals and weekends away. It is a whole new realm of experiences that
you never experienced but I like it.
This has happened to me. Mitchell and I had two sets of friends. Those friendships were totally
different but both good. Interestingly we met the louder couple 23 years after the first and I loved
it. I did find a whole new realm of fun, it was a different fun a more full on kind of fun. But the two
friendships equally meant the same.
Anyway the point being that we learn, we change and we need to deal with that change in the
right way.

But anyway, Mitchell and I would still do things like holidays and go out for meals, but there was
something missing, for me personally anyway. I was finding that conversation was missing, or
habitual and dull, thoughtless even. There was little or no substance to the conversation, it was as
though we just were not interested in what either one of us had to say. We had no hobbies, no
interests other than to go on holiday, or walk around the shops and get a coffee, there was no
substance or stimulation, nothing? I always felt like I was starting the conversation and then it
would turn into a bit of an argument, or I just felt that Mitchell was not interested, or she was
defensive. Oh, I hear you cry the defensive route!
The trouble was the more we drifted apart the bigger the problem appeared and it started to
manifest itself as irritations, rather than just dull and habitual. I would laugh at things on TV and
Mitchell wouldn’t, I would look across to her, to see if she was laughing too, but nothing, not even
a titter. So I would start to question what the hell was going on, was this woman actually switched
on?

I was however trying to push for a way back. So, for example I was suggesting activities that we
could do together. I suggested going to the gym together, to get fit and to look good. Mitchell was
a little heavier and I thought if we did this together it would connect us and be less of a chore. My
reasoning was we were both mid-forties and should be looking our best for each other. I mean
Mitchell has a fantastic figure and if she toned a little then she would look damn hot. Anyway, the
gym, no go. I thought about Yoga. I thought work was sometimes stressful for us both at times, so
some stretching, and relaxation would be a good, you know mind and body experience and bring
about a good talking point. There wasn’t much interest. I started doing Yoga in the living room and
talking about the benefits to try and encourage but to no avail. I think I just became annoying.
Yoga, no go. I thought biking would be a good hobby. I bought Mitchell a nice bike and tried to
encourage her to start biking. She washed the bike put it in the shed and it was not touched for at
least a year. I bought a bike and ended up going for bike rides on my own, or with other people.
We did in the end start a little bit of biking together but by that time it was too late as I was already
engrossed in the affair, so my mind was not on our marriage but on the affair, so unfortunately
that was dismissed. So, biking no go.

I encouraged Mitchell to go out with friends and have good times. I thought that way we would be
able to talk about her nights out, that didn’t happen. I spoke about moving to a new house, as I
didn’t really like the house we were in and I thought that if we move it would give us both a
connection in that we could design, paint and build together. Nothing, Mitchell was happy where
she was.

I was trying to get something… something…. Anything, but nothing was reaching her. I realise
now that her job was more stressful and draining than I knew and that she was probably
emotionally drained every day by the time she got back home to me. But the sad thing was, she
never talked to me about it, so I was unaware. Basically, my view of Mitchell was this, she was a
lovely person worked hard at work came home and worked at home - put washing on, dusted,
cooked, etc., I tried to say leave it but no. Small irritating things like cooking tea, putting the plates
of food on the table but instead of sitting down and eating with me she would go back to clean the
kitchen leaving me there with two plates of food going cold. I would start eating, but by the time
Mitchell came through I had finished, no connection there.

It had become a daily repeat like Groundhog Day, seemingly unavoidable and uncontrollable. I
had invited Mitchell into my world time after time. Simple actions like swinging on a hammock and
inviting Mitchell on, so that we could gently sway in the sunshine chatting and giggling about
nothing more than the small things in life that we found interestingly funny.
Sadly there was no acceptance to the invites and the door was slowly closing. Soon to be closed
and locked, with us both on different sides. Fatal?

Sex was good and Mitchell was always keen, but even that had become habitual to me. I could
forecast what was going to happen. 10pm Mitchell would get up start clearing the cups away, say
I am going to brush my teeth. I then felt pressured to follow. We would then lay down, lights out
Mitchell would start touching and I would sometimes out of pressure go through with having sex.
There was no spontaneity, no difference, no excitement.
Our sex life used to be good, it used to be exciting and spontaneous. Sex used to be various
positions and last a long time. But it had vanished. I would suggest things, but they were wavered.
I wanted, or rather I needed a connection to be able to enjoy sex. The only trouble is I never even
realised that connection was a big deal when it comes to sex. So, I would take it and be
disappointed. It was always me that seemed to suggest different things, not just about sex, but
life, hobbies, adventures. I wanted to try new experiences together, I was desperate for some
connection. Grasping at anything that we could grab on to and just look at each other in
amazement and think the same thing. I was waiting! Oh boy was I waiting!

I wanted to see passion, life, excitement and character. Where was it? It was driving me to
despair!

I was exhausting all possibilities. I was sad, lonely, bored and to be frank I was thinking of leaving
but at the same time I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to do that to Mitchell, but she would not listen to
me! Why would she not hear me? There was a reason.
What I needed to do, or rather what I should have done was to sit her down and say to her in
plain English; “I am not happy, things need to change, if there is no change then I am out, I do not
want out but the options are becoming fewer daily.” That’s what I needed to do. Why didn’t I,
because I am a chicken, because I was gutless?
Why was I gutless, well I will tell you? I did not want to hurt Mitchell. What a crock of shit I hear
you shout as you laugh out loud. Think about it. I did not dislike Mitchell. I didn’t want to hurt
Mitchell, why would I? I do not want to hurt people I like. Little did I know that I was going to hurt
Mitchell in such a monumental way that she will most likely never fully recover?
I went a different way instead, the lying deceitful way that in the end was ten times more
destructive that sitting her down and telling the truth. Have you heard of the old saying? The truth
hurts. I didn’t want to hurt her.

I was not direct enough, I tried in my dumb way by hinting and suggesting, but I was not straight
enough. So, what did I do? Well that’s coming up!

So, I was finding that as we drifted apart we were, or at least I was becoming increasingly and
seemingly indifferent to Mitchell.
I was looking for more and pressing for more. I was nagging for something and always wanting to
do something. I was looking for a connection. I was bored and getting lonely. I was finding solace
in other people and starting to be happier at work than I was at home. Home was boring to me. It
was where I ate, slept and just watched TV. Nothing more, there was no joy at home.

I began to tell myself that people change over time and I realised that I had probably changed due
to my job. I had been running a service for a considerable time and all was going well. The
service performed. I had ploughed a lot of energy and time into that service to make it a success,
that is how it was until the day I left, I am proud of that. The staff of about 25 were your typical
staff, some great, some weird, some a pain in the arse, but it was going well. I never had any
thoughts of an affair.

Now this is where it gets more interesting. One day I suggested taking on another service to my
boss, as the service I was running had become efficacious and it could now just tick along nicely,
so I may have been a little hungry for more.

And that’s where it started… Contact was made for a second time. Yes the second time. I have
not told you about the first time yet. I will though so read on.

My boss agreed that another service was a good idea and the service I mentioned, was about to
go through a change. The manager of the service in question was about to leave for a six-month
period (a secondment, the NHS thrives on secondments and neputising people into roles), filling
an empty position due to another secondment, ideal timing for me to come in and run another
service. So long story short, I stepped in and started running a small team of five in addition to my
other service.

Interestingly I was about to talk to a lady that I had spoken to four years earlier. I can’t say her
real name, so let’s call her Rose (as in Rose from the Titanic). Why not? At first I was unaware,
but Rose who I’d met four years earlier was now working for the small team which I had just taken
on. I was surprised, but kind of happy. Why? Because four years previously to this Rose came for
an interview for my other service as we were looking for a new member of staff and I interviewed
Rose with two other colleagues.
So contact was made for the first time.
I remember it so well because Rose made an impact on me at that interview and captivatingly I
never forgot her.
She was led into my office for interview, if this was a film I would imagine her walking into my
office in slow motion and me encapsulated by her in a magical, mysterious way, even now I see it.
Rose was a small, fair-haired, petite lady about 31 years old when I interviewed her. She had a
beautiful charm about her, a cheekiness a cuteness, class, she came across as confident but in a
humble way. With a cheeky laugh and a lovely smile.
I was intrigued and at that time there seemed to be a connection. An unexplainable, desirable,
deep, wanting to know her. How could this be? I had never even met her before, this was
madness how could anyone make such an impact on me… how? She did though.

Introductions were made (remember I was in my marriage with Mitchell who was so giving and we
had no specific problems at that time).I had never even thought “affair” and still didn’t, even after
meeting Rose (I don’t just think affair after I meet people), but I never forgot her. Over the next
four years Rose would pop into my mind for no reason at all… Strangely. Even now as I sit here
and write this I get goose bumps at the memory of that interview…. In my opinion it was the most
awesome interview I have ever experienced!

The interview progressed, I was absorbed by Rose. This pretty, petite lady who interviewed well.
An impact was made for no particular reason. It was a destiny meant to be, we simply didn’t
realise at the time that we would meet again and that the passion would be so intense, that it
would shift our lives to an incomprehensible angle. We were just two people living life, but during
that life our paths met and crossed. I still remember the interview 6 – 7 years later like it was
yesterday and even writing that, my heart annoyingly pounds.

Eventually the interview came to an end and Rose left. Later that day, discussions were had and
it was deemed that Rose would not get the job (for whatever reason) but she was a very close
second. I had to inform Rose and I remember the phone call. I explained why she had not been
successful, but that she had interviewed so well and that if ever another post came up, to apply.
Rose was so sweet and polite. We had a pleasant short conversation and I wished her good luck.
I hung the phone up, leaning back in my office chair and paused as did life at the very moment,
like a still that has been captured and is looked at from time to time. This was an introduction of
significance, but I did not know at that time how much of a significance that would really be.

I type this now and sit here and ask how the hell is this possible. How did Rose and I come to
meet twice in this world that has so many people, so many avenues and directions? How, does it
mean something?

Ok, so fast forward to four years later and back to the new department that I had been given to
manage. I introduced myself to all the team, however unbeknown to me Rose was on this team,
but was on maternity leave. Yes, Rose was a part of the new department that I was now going to
run. At this point I didn’t think too much about that, but I must say that I was pleasantly surprised
when I found out that Rose was a part of this new team of mine.
But my thoughts were, we had met previously, we are both in happy relationships, Rose was on
maternity leave, and that’s life.
I sent an email to the entire team, Rose was included even though she was on maternity leave. It
was an introduction email with the usual management spiel about what I was there for, which at
that time was a six-month temporary management fix. The emails went out and I ran that service I
would say loosely from another area but popped in once a week. As it was a six-month deal I
could not really get too involved. In six months I left that service, as the old manager returned
after their secondment.
I never saw Rose due to the maternity leave.

But very soon after, that manager of that same department secured new work elsewhere (another
secondment but a longer one). So, I was approached again and given the department as a
permanent fix. This time I had plans. I sent another long email out highlighting the changes I
would make to secure the service. I wanted one to one meetings with each staff member. At this
point Rose was still absent on maternity leave, so I sent her an email (work related) asking if she
would be happy for me to phone her to chat about the service. She said fine, so I phoned her. We
spoke and had a lovely conversation. She told me how pleased she was that I was taking over
and that she was excited about the ideas I had for the service. She reminded me about the
interview four years earlier, we laughed and joked about how we had ended up meeting again.
Memories came flooding back after a good long chat about life the service and other stuff the
phones were hung up again. But once more, a very memorable conversation.

I moved the service from its location and merged it into our offices, so that the two services could
function from one area. The service continued to run. No Rose at that point, but I did have small
conversations about return to work dates, plus some very pleasant emails from Rose.

Remember at this point I thought that my experience with Rose from the interview was my
feelings only. I remained under this impression, so I had to stay professional at all times. Plus
also, I had never thought anything untoward or inappropriate regarding Rose or my marriage, an
affair was not even in the equation.
Yes Rose would pop into my mind from time to time but life was life and I just kept living it. The
days came and went until it was time, time for Rose’s first day back. I was looking forward to
seeing her again after 4 years. I think the month and year would have been about February 2015.

It was a Monday morning. I got up had my usual cup of tea said goodbye to Mitchell and set off
for work. I walked in to the department and there she was. She looked as fine as I remembered.
Chatting to someone she knew from my department. I walked in and said good morning, paused
and then carried on, in a true manager style. I was kind of deflated at that point, as Rose was
preoccupied with another member of staff.
I carried on into my office, sat down and started to answer the ‘delightful’ onslaught of emails.
What was on my mind at that point? I wanted to meet and greet and have a chat about the
department and some changes that I had in mind. I carried on working and then.

Then I heard her voice. I heard this sweet, calm, lovely voice.

Rose stood there in the doorway to my office with her uniform on. She said she was so sorry to
appear ignorant but that she knew the other member of staff slightly and couldn’t get away. She
said that she wanted to say hello to me ASAP and that she was so glad to be back. That she was
looking forward to being back and seeing how the service would grow now I had taken it on.
I invited her to come in and take a seat. We had a small amount of time as her clinic was starting
very soon.
We reminisced about the interview four years ago, had a laugh about it and the fact that Rose had
not got the job. She joked and threw in some banta about what a bad decision it was on my part,
and how bizarre it was that our paths had crossed again. At this point I couldn’t mention that I had
not forgotten her, I needed to be professional, but inside I was elated somehow. But not thinking
anything other than this is nice.
I was married and Rose had a partner. I was under the impression that Rose was very happy in
her life. We had our own lives and that was it.
Anyway, why would anything happen?

Rose had to go. She said she would pop in when she returned back from clinic for a more
thorough catch up.

I continued with my day as normal in the NHS. Ploughing through the normal problems,
firefighting and extinguishing the problems that ascended from internal bureaucracy, which
hindered and diminished the great organisation, reducing it to a crumbling giant. Many of the
senior managers, under managers and coordinators ran around full of their own self-importance
(also known as bloaty head syndrome) creating problems that didn’t actually exist, facilitating the
weakening and demolishing of small systems and departments even further. Without any thought
for patients or others, fulfilling their own agenda through self-gain!
I tried to avoid the problems, or I tried to battle through them in the most effect way to provide a
healthy secure service. Which I mostly successfully managed, bypassing the main offenders.

At the end of the day I heard Rose return, I was in the main area discussing a film and having
some banta with a couple of colleagues. I brought the conversation to a funny end and wandered
back to my office in the anticipation that Rose may pop in. She did.
In she came smiling, oh that smile, how I loved it.
She was so gentle, but funny and confident. It is hard to explain. In fact, is it possible to explain? I
guess I was excited that there was some kind of connection between us.

Rose pulled over a chair and sat at the end of my desk facing me. We started our conversation
and discussed the department, its failures and strengths. I explained the changes that I was going
to implement and Rose agreed, showing enthusiasm and excitement regarding those changes.
Excitement and passion can be rare to find, but when you do discover someone shares that
passion it gives you a buzz and a sense of empowerment. It confirms that what you are thinking is
right and that you are steering the ship in the right direction.

The interesting thing was the eye contact. I am not one for long periods of eye contact unless I
need to, I tend to make enough eye contact for that particular event. But when it came to Rose I
had to be careful, I found myself staring into her blue eyes and just getting lost. I had to be
conscious that I did not come across as weird. But oh I could stare into those eyes all day long.

The conversation continued and people started to leave the department to go home. Rose had to
go as well. It was her first day back and she had to collect her child from somewhere. However
before Rose left I wanted to mention a particular role that I was going to introduce into her
department. It was like a risk management role, auditing and tracking patients, I had built this role
up in my other department and it was a huge success. I explained the role and what it would
involve. That it would be office based, but that the person employed in that role would still run
clinics to ensure clinical accreditation, acting as a senior over the others. At that point I said it is
going to be a few months away so have a think about it, but I think you have the drive and
passion to be able to fulfil the role.
To be honest there was no one at Roses level of competence and class suitable to carry out the
role as I wanted. There was one other lady who was capable of fulfilling the role, but her
performance over the last six months was questionable, her work was ok but her commitment
was not there, but that was due to her personal life and ongoing problems, so maybe this was
understandable.

So I said we will have a catch up about the role again, but nevertheless that I needed to advertise
it in the correct manner thereby ensuring that everyone had a fair opportunity to apply for the role.
That was my true and honest goal, I needed the right person.

I said to Rose that she had better go. She got up and thanked me for the vote of confidence and
for the chat. She said how great it was to be back. Smiled and left.

I sat there thinking for a moment. I could still smell her sweet perfume, I breathed it in,
memorising it. I was staring out of the window, which Rose had just walked by, until my thoughts
were interrupted by another work colleague. They walked in and said, “are you ok”? I replied with
a yes and remarked that I was thinking about the future of the departments. It was true, I was.

I went home that day considering and analysing the day. I was thinking what a lovely lady Rose
was and that she was good for that team as she was the most mature out of them all. The rest
were younger with no real experience, But Rose had something, a quality, a presence, which was
going to be needed to make the changes successful.
I drove home.

Little did I know Rose was to become a blossom, my blossom, my Cherry Blossom? What was to
come was a frantic, passionate, all consuming, powerful, all absorbing ride that would never be
forgotten.

4. The flirting.

So the days continued, from Roses first day back the days came and the days went. I carried on
managing and Rose continued with her role. Some days I would see her and some days I
wouldn’t. When I did see her I asked how things were going, whether there were any problems
etc. Rose would elaborate on problems within the service and I would plan, relaying these plans
back through staff meetings and other forms of communication.
Rose would come through at the end of the day and have a little chat, and as the time went on I
assumed that Rose was happy in her relationship and that all was going well. She had mentioned
that her partner and she were looking to buy a house. I never really asked much at that point.
Why would I, I was not looking for anything? Yes, I found Rose attractive in many ways and yes
we worked well together but that was it.