The Elephant DIE-aries Presents:

We Bought A Zoo…ologist

Setting: A family of four has moved to an Elephant sanctuary in response to an advertisement on

Craig’s List. One is a zoologist who wants to study elephants. There is only one. He is
endangered. Elephant is allergic to peanuts and when he digests the peanuts, he becomes
murderous and ends up killing most of the family members. The zoologist ends up finding out
this is the reason her family members are mysteriously dying.

*Scene opens on Luke as the elephant and he is finishing up his diary entry. CJ stands nearby as
narrator of the elephant speak. Light music plays similarly to Jimmy Fallon’s thank you note.
Lights focused on Luke and narrator.*

Luke: wah wah wah wah wah wah (improvised each time)

CJ: Elephant translation: Dear Diary, it’s a good day to have a good day….and murder.

HAHA jk. In all seriousness though, someone finally responded to my ad on Craig’s List

No, not THAT Craig’s List. Anyway, I’ve been looking for a new zoologist ever
since….the accident….

The new zoologist seems pretty chill, but Beatrice Blaine, now THAT was a woman!

Anyway, time for me to get some sleep. The zoologist and her family arrives in the
morning.

*All lights go on. The family of four is in a car formation slowly inching through the forest of
trees towards the elephant sanctuary*

Meg(atron): Why do I have to wear this stupid hat?

Kephin: Maybe it’s because you have that big giant bald spot on the back of your head,
Megatron!

Meg: SHUT UP! IT’S MEG YOU DOOF-NUGGET!! Besides, at least my name is spelled right,
KePHin!
Kephin: It’s pronounced KeVin with a V! The PH is silent!

Dr. Brie McClimon: Kevin! Don’t make me pull over and bring out the spoon!

Kephin: NOT THE SPOON! You already gotten me three times today!

Dr. Brie: Do you want to make it four?

Meg: yes.

Résumé McClimon: When I was in the theatre, getting the spoon was an honor!

Meg: Oh give it a rest Resume!

Résumé: It’s pronounced Résumé! It’s French, you know? oui oui baguette?

Dr. Brie: Now Meg, show your other mother some respect!

Kephin: WAIT, I have two mothers??

Dr. Brie: Yes, koala bear…I’m a lesbian

Kephin: I thought you were a zoologist!

Dr. Brie: Oh my lanta…boy am I glad that we have finally arrived at our new home at the
elephant sanctuary. For I Dr. Brioche McClimon am stoked to protect the last endangered
elephant! Okay, everyone out of the car.

*Everyone gets out of car. Lights turn off and back on with Luke the elephant nearby. Dr. Brie
pulls out binoculars to dramatically search for the elephant*

Kephin: Wow, mom is that an element?

Meg: Yeah, it’s #121: stupidium

Kephin: I know what you are but what am I?

Résumé: When I was in the theatre, elements were referred to as important props…Such as
THIS!
*pulls out magical lamp*

Meg: Easy for someone named after a document you attach to a job application!
Résumé: I’ll have you know, I left the theatre for a more noble pursuit!

Meg: For love?

Résumé: No…Money! (pause) Don’t be foolish, my bumblebee

*Meg eye rolls*

Dr. Brie: Children! You too, Résumé! The elephant is approaching! Come meet him!

Kephin: OO! Can I feed him my peanuts??

Dr. Brie: I don’t see why not, its not like he could be allergic or anything!

*Lights go dark and then change to spotlight the elephant. Add J Fallon music.*

Luke: wah wah wah

CJ: Translation: Uhhhhh I’m 100% allergic to peanuts…this is about to get REAL bad. I
experience these violent urges…and also hives obvi. That little kid better watch his back.

Everyone: DUN DUN DUN

*Lights go off and then all lights go back on*

Kephin (feeding Luke): here you go buddy….COME ON! EAT THEM!

(Luke tries to not eat them but is ultimately forced)

Dr. Brie: aww that’s cute Kephin! Now go play with toys over there where you can’t be seen…

*Kephin happily moves and plays with his boat*

Meg: UGH moms there is NO WIFI here! How am I supposed to inform my 66 followers on
TikTok about my life??? THIS SUCKS! (waves around phone on a selfie stick)

Dr. Brie: Suck it up, reese’s pieces!

Meg: My LIFE is in pieces!

Résumé: When I was in the theatre, critics tore my performances to pieces, but I still sucked it
up, shelf beverage!

Dr. Brie: Has anyone seen Kephin lately????

Meg: Who really cares??

Résumé: About you? No one!

Meg: *GASP* I wish you had just left me on that doorstep!

Résumé: In the theatre, we didn’t have a doorstep!

*Everyone is off stage. Lights dim and spotlight appears on the elephant and Kephin*

(Kephin is playing with his toy boat singing Scrubadubdub. Luke the elephant slowly approaches
dramatically and creepily. Luke makes a dramatic elephant noise. Kephin looks behind him
slowly, sees the elephant and yells. Lights go dark.)

*Lights turn on to the remaining three members and a toy boat and his white hat sitting on the
ground with no Kephin. They see the toy boat and hat without Kephin*

Résumé: When I was in the theatre…

Dr. Brie and Meg: *GASP*

Résumé: *GASP* KEPHIN!! YOU’VE TURNED INTO A TOY BOAT!! (Holds the toy boat in
the air like Simba. Starts singing Ave Maria)

Dr. Brie: Résumé, don’t be so melodramatic…

(everyone dramatically winks)

Dr. Brie: But I think the elephant must have killed him because I see fresh elephant tracks.

Résumé: When I was in the theatre, this is what we called….a bad Thursday…aka a TRAGEDY
(dramatic fake faint)

Dr. Brie: I think I should be keeping a careful eye on this elephant…he could be very dangerous.

*Lights dim. Spotlight appears on elephant and CJ as narrator. CJ walk on Fresh Prince of Bel
Air style. Light J. Fallon music plays.*

Luke: wah wah wah wah wah wah

CJ: elephant translation: Dear Diary, the new zoologist and her family arrived today. Due to the
young one, who I assume is named Kephinin or however you’re supposed to pronounce that,
who ignorantly force-fed me peanuts, we are now down to three members (evil laugh)….
 Ope! I hear Megatron (what a stupid name) walking alone nearby. Time to continue my
homicidal rage!

*Lights come on after CJ walks off stage*

Meg (livestreaming): Ayyyyeee whats up TikTok followers! I’m streaming live from the
horrendously smelly and disgustingly hot elephant sanitary or whatever this is that I now am
supposed to call home…yeah right. Oh! Guys look it’s the elephant that killed my brother
yesterday! What a true homie! Let’s reward him with some peanuts!

*Luke does dramatic elephant noise*

Meg: Oh gosh…he does NOT want these peanuts…ope…oh NO!

*Meg begins to run while still live streaming*

Meg: This is not going well! Resume, if I die, this is all your fault!! Dr. Mom, I love you!

*Meg begins to trip over the toy boat as she says the last sentence. Lights go black*

*Spotlight on Luke and CJ. Another One Bites the Dust plays and Luke and CJ bop to the music.
Then the lights go dark.*

*Lights turn back on to Résumé and Dr. Brie looking for Meg*

Dr. Brie: Résumé, have you seen Meg today?

Résumé: When I was a young warthog, I often wandered with my good friend, Timon. We used
to have this amazing saying…

Dr. Brie: Hakuna Matata?

Résumé: No, not all who wander are Robert Frost.

Dr. Brie: ........rock on

(Sees selfiestick and toy boat)

Résumé: Brie, look! Meg’s selfie stick and Kephin’s toy boat! Everyone I hate is turning into
inanimate objects!

Dr. Brie: Résumé, we’ve been over this! But, I think the elephant has been here! There’s
elephant tracks and some peanut shells….you stay here Résumé while I run to the car and get my
bag. I don’t have a Ph.D. in Zoology with an endorsement in animal allergies, specifically
peanuts, for nothing!
*Dr. Brie exists stage*

Résumé: This boat reminds me of a time when I was in the theatre...the movie theatre last
Thursday at approximately 3 pm mountain time, or 5pm somewhere judging by the empty shot
glasses around my feet, but that’s another basket of gravy ...Brie??? BRIE? uhhhh

*elephant starts walking towards Résumé. Picks up the toy boat and lightly pokes Résumé*

Résumé: AAAAAh, lights fading, limbs growing cold, is that… a rosebud? *dies, but not really*
Gasp, Amelia, Is that your voice I hear *fake dies again* Papa, Papa, I lost my hat. *fake dies
once again* I could have made it big on the stage, if it weren’t for those meddling kids, and their
dog.*fake dies for the final time* Wait I think I’m ok, tis but a flesh wound.

*Elephant tries to stomp on Résumé each time she fake dies but she keeps waking up and he gets
annoyed, checks his watch, etc until he gets fed up*

*elephant makes an elephant noise and lights go dark*

*Spotlight appears over elephant and CJ*

Luke: wah wah wah wah

CJ: elephant translation: Dear Diary, I hope God doesn’t hate me, again, it’s not my fault. Those
demons kept feeding me peanuts, I cannot be held responsible for my actions while in
anaphylactic shock!
The zoologist with an Ph.D. and an endorsement in allergies, specifically peanuts is the
only one left. Hopefully she can save me, and not waste the 3 million dollars she has in debt. It’s
probably a good thing that gold digger (sings the song and then coughs), it’s a good thing
Resume didn’t know about that!

Résumé: It’s pronounced Résumé!!

*Lights dim and CJ walks off stage*

*Lights go on and Dr. Brie walks on stage and sees Résumé lying on the ground with the toy
boat and selfie stick*

Dr. Brie: Résumé! Get off the ground! We’ve talked about this! Stop fake dying, it’s ruining our
marriage. Résumé? Résumé!!!

*Sees elephant standing there inching away*

Dr. Brie: YOU! YOU…(sees the hives)...wait come here for a second.
*Luke walks towards Dr. Brie slowly*

Dr. Brie: You have hives everywhere! You must be allergic to the peanuts we have been feeding
you! Come here, let me help you with that!

*Dr. Brie stabs the elephant with an epipen dramatically*

Dr. Brie: Ha! Looks like you (takes off glasses) got what you deserved!

*Ben walks on stage as an undercover cop*

Ben: What's up, I'm officer Alfred P. Seaweed. I'm an undercover detective in the Craig's list ad

crime division. No, not THAT Craig’s List! I've heard some information about an elephant

posting an ad for a zoologist, after his old zoologist abandoned him. You seem like a good

replacement, but Beatrice Blaine, now THAT was a woman....Is this the elephant? I'm gonna

feed him some peanuts, and no one can stop me... duhn duhn duhn

Dr. Brie: NOOOOOOOOOOO

*Lights all go out*

THE END :)