그는 당신에게 반하지 않았다 영화 대본

...that means he likes you.

GIGI: A girl will never forget the first boy she
likes. Here's the probIem: He Iikes you too much.

Even if things don't quite work out. You're too pretty and too awesome.

Why did you do that? -Yes. -He can't handIe it.

Because you smeII Iike dog poo. That Phi DeIt so obviousIy Iiked you.

You're so stupid, just Iike dog poo. I'm sure he just Iost your number.

You're made out of poo! He's not asking you out because he's intimidated
by your professionaI success.
GIGI: But usually someone is there to offer words
of wisdom. [SPEAKING IN JAPANESE]

Trust me. It's because he's just getting out of a

h
Made...

i s
serious reIationship.
...of...

n gl
e
Trust me. It's because he's never had a serious

99
...dog... reIationship.

/ 9 9 [SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

m
...poo.

o
r.c
Honey... GIGI: Why do we say this stuff to each other?

v e
na Is it possible that it's because we're too scared...

e.
...do you know why that IittIe boy did those things

af
and said those things?
...and it's too hard to say the one obvious truth...

c
It's because he Iikes you.
...that's staring everyone in the face?
GIGI: And there it is.
[CHATTERING]
That's the beginning of our problem.
So Janine says you're a reaI-estate agent.
That IittIe boy is doing those terribIe things
because he's got a crush on you. Yeah, but I'm not one of those cheesy ones...

GIGI: Do you know what this means? ...that puts my headshots on bus benches and
grocery carts.
We're all encouraged...
So just, Iike, Frisbees and notepads?
...no, programmed...
BasicaIIy.
...to believe that if a guy acts like a total jerk...
-It's much cIassier. -My thoughts exactIy. No, I was supposed to meet friends but I'm burnt
out. Don't be mad at me.
[GIGI LAUGHING]
No, of course, I'm not mad. Well, I'll be up for a
Wonder why Janine never thought to introduce us while.
before.
-Do you wanna go ahead of me? -I'll be up.
I don't know. I don't know.
-Oh, can you hoId on? -Okay.
-Hey, guys. Want another round? -You want one
more? No, that's fine. You just have one thing, so....

OnIy if you do. I mean, if you need to get going, I No, technicaIIy I have six...
totaIIy....
...and I'm muIIing over a gum purchase, so I
Uh.... think you shouId go.

Okay, weII.... Okay.

Sure. One more. KeteI and soda?

i s h
Let me caII you right back.

n gl
e
And a beer, pIease. All right. Okay.

9 99
9
WAITRESS: Be right back. -Hi. -Hey.

m /
o
GIGI: WeII, Conor, I had a reaIIy nice time. -It was Just that and that, pIease.

r.c
reaIIy nice meeting you.

ve
Thank you.
-Bye. -See you.

na
e.
Oh, my word.
Hey, it's me.
a f
c
He's cute, and I think it went weII.
SeriousIy? That's not possibIe.

I just deposited cash three days ago, so it's just

And I think he might be Ieaving me a message at not possibIe.
home as we speak.
Oh, it's not that. Let me check something.
Hey, it's me. Just wanted to Iet you know I was
thinking about you. CongratuIations, you won.

Oh, that's very sweet of you, Conor. Thanks. What?

Listen, I was wondering if you wanted to grab a Our Funky FaII promotion. You're our 1 000th
Iate bite. customer this month.

Tonight? I.... What?

Are you kidding me? What? No. It's 9:30. You're gonna--?

I don't do kidding. No, it's a great idea.

Oh, my God. I can't beIieve this, it's so exciting.
Oh, my God. I never won anything before.
This is the most exciting thing that ever happened
to me. Is that sad?
I'II caII and say, ''In case you were gonna caII me
back, don't...
...because I'II be sIeeping.'' A genius idea.
ALEX: Okay, no, that's briIIiant.

Yea-- No. I don't think so. When you wake up you can say, ''I'm awake now,
I'm avaiIabIe to take your caII.''
-ReaIIy? -Yes.
[PHONE RINGS]
Thank you! Come here.
Oh, gosh. A second.
Wow.
-Sorry about that. -It's aII right.
MAN [ON TV] : --as the Terps move to mid-ice,

i s h
gl
trying to.... I was--

e n
99
-Hey. -Hey. Wait, what was I saying again?

-How was the date? -It was fine. Whatever.

/ 9 9
You don't wanna be Iike your mother, wake up

o m one morning...

r.c
-Why are you here? -My cabIe's out.

ve
...and reaIize you never pursued your dreams.

na
Come on, Spiewak, it's not the Ice Capades.

e.
Is that what I was saying?

a f
You didn't hear the phone ring by any chance,
did you?
c -You want some gum? -No, thank you.

-No, I didn't. -Shit. God, that's kind of heavy for a grocery chat.

Anna gave me the oId, ''I'II caII you right back.'' -No, that's okay. -Isn't it?

Oh, shit, yeah? WeII, how Iong ago? -Sorry. -I actuaIIy might be abIe to heIp.

That was 22 minutes ago.
Do I caII back?
ShouId you caII back? No, absoIuteIy not.
I'm gonna caII back and say I'm going to bed.
Yeah, I know a guy at my office who deaIs
excIusiveIy with music cIients.
-Are you kidding? -Uh-uh.
Oh, my God.
-Are you my savior or something? -No.
-Can you hoId this for a second? -Yeah. I can taIk to a woman. It doesn't have to be Iike
that.
Oh, this is so unexpected.
No. AbsoIuteIy not.
Okay....
-Just drive. -ReIax.
I don't....
-Hi. -Hi.
I'm married.
-How you doing? -Good.
I don't do this.
-Yeah? -Yeah. I just got off the phone.
You don't do what? You don't heIp struggIing
singers? -Yeah? -Yeah, with my IittIe sister.

Not hot yoga-instructing singers... -How's she doing? -She's getting married.

...who are incredibIy charming. ReaIIy?

i s h
gl
ANNA: Hm. BETH: Yeah.

e n
99
WeII, you couId-- You couId give me your card. NEIL: Great.

That's Iegit, right? Is that aIIowed?

/ 9 9
You reaIIy think that's great?

o m
r.c
I couId do that. Yeah.

v e
na
-Yeah. -That'd be okay, right? Devon seems Iike...

Yeah.
af e. ...a great guy.

c
Great, thank you so much.
Course. Do you need heIp to your car?
-Where'd you park? -No, I'm fine. It's okay.
WeII, so you think it's great that they're getting
married...
...but you don't ever feeI Iike we're going against
nature, or something...

-It was very nice to meet you. -Yeah. ...by not getting married?

Okay. No.

Who was that? Going against nature is Iike the cat who suckIed
that monkey.
-Oh, that was a prospective cIient. -Oh.
You and I are just two peopIe who happen not to
Okay. be married.
Let me teII you something. PeopIe who get Yes, you're right.
married are not to be trusted.
Why can't we just be happy?
You are so weird.
You're right.
They're not. You know why?
-I'm gonna get you some more tea. -Okay.
Because if you are so IegitimateIy happy,
honestIy... [KIDS SHOUTING]

...you wouIdn't feeI the need to make a big show RECORDING [ON PHONE] : Please enter your
out of it. pass--

You wouIdn't have to broadcast it. You have no messages.

They do it because they're insecure... Main menu. To send a message--

...and they think getting married's what they're [GRO ANS]

supposed to be doing.

i s h
gl
Okay, so cIearIy he hasn't caIIed.
So they're Iying to themseIves and to other
e n
99
peopIe. Maybe he's away on business.

SeriousIy.
/ 9 9 He seIIs reaI estate. In BaItimore.

o m
r.c
Think about you and your friends. Okay? -Staying in town is his business. -Right.

v e
na
These women you have great reIationships with... WeII, Iook, Iet me teII you.

af e.
...you're cIose to them, some of them you've After I went out with Ben for the first time, he

c
known for years. didn't caII me for 1 1 days.

But you don't feeI the need... EIeven days. And now he's the worId's best
husband.
...to write a $45 check to the state of MaryIand
for a friendship certificate. That happens aII the time.

-Yeah. No, I get that. -Right? -ReaIIy? -ReaIIy.

Why shouId it be any different, you know, with JANINE: You want coffee?
me and you?
-I got you 2 percent. -Thanks.
We're very happy, I Iove you, I'm committed to
you... This is aII your fauIt.

...we have a great Iife, you know? What? Why?

You set us up. This constant obsession with needing to know
who's caIIing aII the time...
No. You asked me if I know any guys, and I gave
Conor your phone number. ...it's, Iike, so gross.

That's not a setup. Like, you pick up the phone, you find out who it
is, then you know.
When I do a setup, I weigh the pros and cons.
It's, Iike....
I do my due diIigence.
Look, aII I'm saying...
AII I know about Conor is that he soId us this
house. ...if a guy doesn't caII me, I wouId Iike to reserve
the right...
SeriousIy, stop.
...to caII him at 1 5-minute intervaIs untiI he
He said he aIways hangs out after work at the picks up.
City Supper CIub.

i s h
But if he Iooks down and sees my numbers...

gl
Maybe I shouId do a IittIe drive-by?

e n
...he's gonna think I'm some kind of psycho or

99
PIease don't. something.

He'II caII.
/ 9 9
Which I'm not.

o m
r.c
AMBER: Okay, I have a question: ObviousIy.

v e
na
Why'd they even invent caIIer ID? [SHOWER RUNNING]

af e.
It's, Iike, who is this service heIping? [HUMAN LEAGUE'S ''DON'T YOU WANT ME''

c
I mean, for centuries....
PLAYS ON PHONE]

HeIIo?
Okay, weII maybe not centuries, but for, Iike, a
Iot and Iot of years... Mom.

...peopIe have been answering their phone, not
knowing who it is...
...and as far as I can teII, no one's died from
that.
I gotta caII you back.
INSTRUCTOR: InhaIe. Upward-facing dog.
Look up towards the ceiIing.

And it's Iike if the poIice wanna know who pIaced Look up towards the ceiIing.
a caII, they couId trace it.
GIGI: He ordered more drinks for us when the
I mean, what am I, the poIice? waitress came.
He remembered exactIy what I wanted. And, I mean, why shouId you have to wait for
him to get off his ass?
He initiated the hug. He said it was nice meeting
me. -It's ringing. -That's pretty standard.

So wait. This was at the end of the date or the -Hey, you've reached Conor. -Yes! VoicemaiI.
beginning of the date?
-Leave a message, I'll get back to you. -Notes.
End. Why, does it matter?
''Hey, Conor, it's Gigi.
Yeah. ''Nice meeting you'' at the beginning of the
date, that's normaI. I just thought, I hadn't heard from you...

''Nice meeting you'' at the end of the date....
It couId be a bIowoff.
Maybe it was at the beginning.
...and how stupid is it that a gaI has to wait for a
guy's caII anyway, right?''
[MOUTHING] What does that say? What's that say?

i s h
Because we're aII equaI, right?

gl
Okay. That's fine. He's gonna caII.

e n
More than equaI.

99
Or maybe it was at the end.

Or maybe it was just nice to meet me.

/ 9 9
More women are accepted into Iaw schooI now
than men.

o m
r.c
BETH: HeIp. And, I mean, I don't know if you saw that

ve
Dateline...
Hi. This is torture.

na
e.
...but women practicaIIy have penises now, right?

af
How am I supposed to come up with something So....

c
pithy and dynamic...
CaII me.
...to say about cinnamon bIends?
Oh, this is Gigi. CaII me.
It's hard to focus on nutmeg...
Don't worry, he's totaIIy gonna caII.
...when the guy who might be the guy of my
dreams... [SIGHS]

...refuses to caII me. What?

After my first date with NeiI...
...I caIIed him.
There are no ruIes anymore.
How can there not be a diaI tone? How can there
not be a diaI tone?
No diaI tone. Come here, diaI tone.
WOMAN [ON PHONE] : Gigi, are you there? It's amazing where 1 0 shots of Patron wiII get
you.
Hello, Gigi?
[LAUGHS]
-Mom, is that you? -Yes.
So I was thinking...
-I can't taIk now, I'II caII you back. -Wait, I need
you to-- ...after work we couId....

[DIAL TONE] You know....

Hi, it's Janine. Leave a message. Look, KeIIi Ann, what happened between us the
other night was fun.
Hi, Janine, it's me.
It was definiteIy fun.
Conor never caIIed...
But we're way understaffed tonight. I even have to
...so I'm on the precipice of staging a casuaI man the bar.
run-in at the City Supper CIub.

i s h
So that's why I scheduIed you.

gl
Pick up if you wanna stop me.

e n
To work.

99
AII right, I'm interpreting your siIence as tacit
compIiance. Bye.

/ 9 9 So....

BARTENDER: What's up, girI? -Hey.

o m Are we good?

r.c
ve
-How are you? -Good. -Nope, we're good. -Okay.

na
e.
Knock, knock. Hey, oh, KeIIi Ann.

a f
Hey.
c Hey, babe, couId you get the door? Thanks.

So... [UP-TEMPOED MUSIC PLAYING]

...here we are. Same shift again. KELLI ANN: Hi. Are you joining us for dinner,
or...?
I know. I make the scheduIe. Remember?
I'm meeting someone. A guy.
WeII, I figured it was no coincidence.
KELLI ANN: Why? - Hm?
I had...
Nothing. Sorry. For dinner?
...a good time the other night.
I'II wait at the bar.
Yeah.
That's a great idea.
 ''WiIson Ward, DDS, AduIt, ChiId and Geriatric
What can I get you? Dentistry.''

Oh, no, I'm meeting someone.
Oh yeah? What, you got a hot date?
I don't know if you'd caII it ''hot.''
This guy Conor and I have onIy been out one
time--
Look, I'm not going to judge what may or may
not be important to someone.
Yeah. That's not even his dentist, though.
Oh, reaIIy. Who is?
My dad.

Wait, wait, wait. Conor Barry? Oh.

Yeah. I'm Gigi. I went out with Conor Iast week.

Conor's not coming in tonight. Thanks a Iot. And I just....

Did he forget he was supposed to meet you here? I thought if I just ran into him....

i s h
gl
Oh, see, when I said ''meeting someone,'' I guess I don't know. I'm gonna go.
it was kind of a broad term.
e n
99
Wait.
A wide interpretation of the word ''meeting.''

/ 9 9Wait, just--
Right. You know what? I'II caII him.
o m
r.c
Hang out for a second. Let me buy you a drink.

v e
Oh, no. I mean, just totaIIy unnecessary.

na One drink. Okay?

e.
Okay.

af
Give me two seconds, I'II be right back.

c
I just was actuaIIy in the area...
ALEX: Look, you seem Iike a cooI girI, so I'm just
...and so I just figured I'd swing by and see if he gonna be honest with you.
was around.
Conor's never gonna caII you.
Because I had to return his pen.
Oh, reaIIy. How do you know?
Had to return this pen. He Ieft this.
Because I'm a guy, and it's just how we do it.
And I just thought I shouId reaIIy return it before
he, you know, freaks out. He said it was nice meeting me.

Yeah. Okay, I'II get it to him. I don't care if he said you were his favorite
femaIe...
Thanks.
...since his mommy and Joanie Cunningham.
 Iike he doesn't give a shit...
Over a week went by, okay, Gigi? And he didn't
caII you. ...he genuineIy doesn't give a shit.

But maybe he did caII and I didn't get the No exceptions.

message.
Thank you.
Or maybe he Iost my number...
Given me a Iot to think about.
...or he's out of town, or got hit by a cab, or his
grandma died. GIGI: Morning, morning. MAN: Excuse me.

Or he didn't caII because he has no interest in -Hi. -Hi.

seeing you again.
Everything okay?
Yeah. But my friend Terri once went out with a
guy who never caIIed. Oh, I was up aII night.

She totaIIy wrote him off. PIease say you were working on the nutmeg copy.

i s h
gl
-Over a year goes by. -Right. Sure. It's basicaIIy done. I have to teII you

e n
something important.

99
She ran into him, and it ended up that--

Your friend Terri's an idiot. She's aIso

/ 9
the 9 JANINE: Sweetie? What's going on with your hair?

exception...
o m Yeah, come here before peopIe see you have a

r.c
mini muffin in your hair.

v e
...by the way. The rare exception.

na Okay.

e.
Okay. Okay. But what if I'm the exception?

af
So....

the ruIe.
c
No, you're not. You're not at aII. In fact, you're
Thank you. I think I figured it out.

And the ruIe is this: If a guy doesn't caII you, he Remember that notary pubIic who cheated on me?
doesn't wanna caII you.
Then Anastasia toId me her boyfriend cheated on
-ReaIIy? -Yeah. her at the beginning...

-AIways? -Yeah, aIways. ...but then he changed and now they're married
and crazy in Iove?
Look, I know what bIowing off a woman Iooks
Iike, okay? -I thought that guy was a process server. -No,
notary.
I do it earIy, I do it often.
Anyway, my point is, Anastasia's the exception,
So trust me when I say if a guy is treating you not the ruIe.

We have to stop Iistening to these stories.
The ruIe is that guys who cheat on you don't
care about you much.
-Okay. -Okay, so Exhibit A:
Chad, the drummer who Iived in a storage space.
He onIy used me for rides, and yet I continued to
staIk him for most of 1 998.
And then.... Oh, there was Don...
...who broke up with me every Friday so that he
couId have his weekends free.
I was deIusionaI about that reIationship.
I'd refer to him as my husband to my dentaI
hygienist.
And aII of my friends used to teII me stories...
/ 9 9
o m
...about how things might work out with these
r.c
dipshits...
v e
na
...because they knew someone who dated a dipshit
e.
Iike mine...
a f
c
...and that girI ended up getting married.
But that's the exception. We're not the exception,
we're the ruIe.
Okay, Iet me just see if I understand.
So what you're saying is...
...if I hear a story about a girI who's been with a
guy for 1 3 years...
...and he finaIIy married her, that's the exception.
Yes.
But the ruIe are guys Iike NeiI...
...who are with girIs Iike me...
...for seven years and aren't married...
...they're never getting married.
-No. -No.
-No, no, no. No, no, no. -No.
-It's not what she meant in that-- -No, it's got
nothing to do with you.
I absoIuteIy was not taIking about you.
-These are specific reIationship situations. -I was
taIking about myseIf specificaIIy.
i s h
gl
GIGI: Just me specificaIIy, you know?
e n
99
This guy is, Iike, impossibIe not to Iike, you
know?
He's fIirting with me pretty heaviIy outside of the
Handy Mart...
...and, you know, everything just kind of Iines up,
it's reaIIy magicaI.
And then he teIIs me that he's married.
Which, of course, I shouId be pissed about, right?
But I just can't stop thinking about him.
But he's married.
I know, I reaIize that. I don't know what's wrong
with me.
What's wrong with me?
Okay.
I know this guy, he works in my dad's printing
business.
You seemed great. I just-- I don't know.
And he was married for 1 5 years to a nice Iady.
I should probably go.
And one night he meets this woman at some
church event. Take care, though. Bye.

And he teIIs my dad that he's never feIt anything -Hey. -Hey.
Iike it before.
-I'm psyched you caIIed. -CooI.
That he had finaIIy met the one.
Kind of given up on you when you didn't caII me
So he divorced his wife... back.

...and he's been with this other woman for 22 I was just thinking about you.
years...
-Want a gIass of wine? -Sure.
...and they're insaneIy happy.
Okay, what were the categories again?
I mean, what if you meet the Iove of your Iife...

i s h
gl
Four categories:
...but you aIready married someone eIse?
e n
99
Smart, sexy, funny and cute.
Are you supposed to Iet them pass you by?

/ 9 9
But you can onIy be two things.
You're right. Okay.
o m
r.c
Like Sarah Jessica Parker wouId be funny and

ve
I'm gonna caII him. sexy.

na
e.
Okay. BiII CIinton wouId be smart and sexy.

a f
c
BEN: Hello? -Hey, Ben. This is Anna Marks. I can't beIieve you're hot for CIinton.

Hey, Anna. What's up? Go. What am I?

Nothing, I was just-- I was taking you up on your Wait, what was I again?
offer.
You're smart and cute.
I know you said you had a coupIe of contacts you
thought couId heIp me. Okay, you are sexy, very sexy.

And I thought maybe we couId taIk about it over And cute.

coffee or something Iike that.
No, you can't--
Look, I just....
Sexy and cute are both in the Iooks coIumn.
I can't, Anna.
Nobody wants to be aII in one coIumn.
You know, I know, it Iooks kind of Iike a defIated
I sound Iike a jackass if I say you're aII four, boob here.
which obviousIy you are.
Right? I know.
EspeciaIIy sexy.
It's gonna be depressing. ShouId I take it down?
ANNA: You're the best.
No, I want you to stop doing anything nice.
I better go.
This feeIs Iike a trick.
Okay, weII, you know you couId stay here if you
want. -No. -No?

What? It's been a whiIe. No, I just-- I just need you to stop being nice to
me...
No, I can't.
...unIess you're gonna marry me after.
I can't stay, I'm totaIIy--
[CHUCKLES]

i s h
gl
I'm totaIIy, totaIIy fried.

e n
Is that funny?

99
Is that okay?

Yeah.
/ 9 9 Do you think that's funny?

o m No, I guess it's not funny.

r.c
I'II see you Iater.

ve
See, you can't keep being nice to me...
Bye.

na
e.
...and I can't keep pretending that this is

af
[HAMMERING] something that it's not.

NEIL: Hey.
c We've been together for over seven years.

That Iook straight to you? You know me, you know who I am.

Why are you hanging that? You either wanna marry me or you don't.

Because you asked me to about three weeks ago. Or there's the possibiIity...

I'm getting around to it. ...that I mean it when I say I don't beIieve in
marriage--
Why? You don't want it here?
BuIIshit.
No, I Iove it there. But just stop.
BuIIshit.
Why? Is it the painting?
Come on, it's buIIshit for every woman...
...that has been toId by some man that he doesn't
beIieve in marriage...
...and then six months Iater he's married to some
24-year-oId that he met at a gym.
It's just-- It's buIIshit.
Where is this coming from?
They just so sneaky that you think it was your
idea.
Yeah. You're sitting back and you're Iike:
''Oh, yeah. This my idea. But wait a second, why
am I aIone?''
''Why am I unhappy? Why have I gained 20
pounds?''

From the pIace I've been hiding from you for -They Jedi mind-trick you. -Yes, they do.
about five years.
-So they do a soft pass. -Yeah.
Okay.
They got IittIe Iines they Iike to teII you.
Five years, because I haven't wanted to seem
demanding. Like, ''I don't wanna stand in your way.''

i s h
gl
And I haven't wanted to seem cIingy or psycho. Or, ''You're perfect, it's just I have to work on

e n
myseIf.''

99
Or whatever.

So I haven't asked you.

/ 9 9 Right. ''I'm just thinking of your happiness.''

o m ''Oh, I don't deserve you.'' That's my favorite

r.c
But I.... one.

v e
I have to.

na You know the other one I Iike?

I mean...
af e. ''I am so jeaIous of the guy who gets to marry

c
...are you ever gonna marry me?
you.''

-WeII, that couId have been you. -Yeah.

Oh, I can't do this anymore.
That's what I was Ieaning towards.
ANGELA: I used to think that I had never been
dumped. Yeah. And the second you hear that...

Yeah, then we started comparing notes. ...run to the store, get yourseIf some ribs and
some ice cream...
Then we reaIized we've both been dumped by
every man we've ever been with. ...because you have been dumped.

-Every one. -Yeah. Hey Anna, it's Ben.

-But they do it so skiIIfuIIy. -Mm-hm. Listen, I know it's been a whiIe since you caIIed.
 Yeah.
It's just-- It took me by surprise.
I was thinking...
But I did offer to heIp you with your career...
...maybe yeIIow.
...and I don't see why I can't do that, right?
-YeIIow? Okay. -Yeah. I mean, it's neutraI.
So why don't you give me a caII...
-Mm-hm. -Yeah. So it couId be whatever.
...and maybe you can come by the office or
something. It couId be an office, it couId be a guest room...

Okay? AII right, take care. Bye. ...a gym, a baby's room....

JANINE: Hey, you. [LAUGHS]

Oh, shit. Wait, did you mean ''neutraI,'' or

''gender-neutraI''?
-What? -You scared me.

i s h
-I don't know what you're taIking about. -Oh,

gl
-You okay? -Yeah. reaIIy?

e n
99
Everything's fine. I know we said we'd wait to taIk about it.

Are you smoking again?

/ 9 9
BEN: Uh-huh. -Mm-hm.

o m
r.c
No, sweetie, I'm not smoking. But I think that we're aImost ready to start

ve
taIking about it.
Why?

na
e.
[UP-TEMPOED MUSIC PLAYING]

a f
You get jumpy when you smoke.

c
I'm not smoking, I promise.
JARRAD: So that's the Iast time I do anything pro
bono.

No, I was just sitting here... [GIGI LAUGHS]

...trying to picture what this room's gonna Iook WeII, Iadies, I guess I have to get back to the
Iike when it's finished. office.

-I Iike that game. -You do? You go back to the office after happy hour?
What's happy about that?
Yeah.
I met you.
What coIor did you picture?
I wouId Iove to caII you sometime. Do you have a
That's where I got stuck. card?
-Of course. -Oh, great. That guy AIex reaIIy made an impression on you.

Here is my info. Was he hot?

-Nice to meet you, Janine. -Nice to meet you. No. He was just...

Look forward to hearing from you, Gigi. ...right.

Oh, wait. Morning.

So... Morning, Ryan.

...how are we doing this? A surprise mocha venti just because you're so
awesome.
Are you hearing from me or am I getting a caII?
-Love you. -Love you.
What?
Good morning.
You said you'd Iove to caII me...
Okay.

i s h
gl
...but then you said, ''Look forward to hearing
from you,'' and-- So?
e n
999
9
You see how that's kind of confusing? Oh, hi.

m /
o
Yeah, Iook, we'II taIk. We'II get in touch. -He asked me out. NATHAN: Oh, my God. He

r.c
caIIed?

v e
You did it again. Very vague.

na MARY: WeII.... -He e-maiIed?

e.
You know what? Let's just say that you'II caII

af
me... -No. BRUCE: What?

c
...and then we can skip aII the nonsense. Left his caIIing card with your Iady-in-waiting?

Goodbye, Gigi. -He MySpaced me. -Ouch.

-He was cute. -Yeah, pIease don't cyber-staIk -Oh. -Oh, girI, I don't know about that.
him.
My trampy IittIe sister says MySpace is the new
What are you doing? booty caII.

I'm not caIIing him. WeII, what am I supposed to do?

If he wants to see me, he'II caII. I mean, things have changed.

Wow. PeopIe don't meet each other organicaIIy

anymore.
 AII right, Mary, I'II taIk to you soon. Thank you.
If I wouId Iike to make myseIf seem more
attractive to the opposite sex... Bye.

...I don't go and get a new haircut, I update my PAIGE: What I'm trying to show you is that
profiIe. there's a difference.

That's just the way it is, you know? There is a difference.

[PHONE RINGING] BETH: Hey, how did you get Aunt Linda to sew
these dresses in two weeks?
NATHAN: Yeah, she's right.
PAIGE: She wanted to do it.
Back, back, back, back.
LAURA: ReaIIy? She toId me she feIt Iike an oId
Ad saIes, this is Mary. Indonesian Iady in a sweat shop.

Hi, Mary, this is Conor, Anna's friend, or -Is that not right? PAIGE: No, she didn't.
whatever.
LAURA: No?

i s h
gl
Hi.

e n
BETH: What's the--? Why the big rush to get

99
So, what'd you think? married?

Looking at it right now. I'm not sure about this.

/ 9 9PAIGE: Because I am not having my wedding

o m during a gross BaItimore winter...

r.c
Oh, you have to trust me.

ve
...and I am not waiting tiII spring.

na
It's a burgeoning market, you're gonna make a

e.
fortune. You are so pregnant.

a f
ads?
c
I know. Did you have to put me with the massage PAIGE: Oh, God, I'm not pregnant.

I'm not pregnant. That's ridicuIous.

WeII, it was either that or the page with the
personaIs, so.... -Chug a beer then. PAIGE: No, I'm not chugging a
beer.
This page gets a lot of action.
CATHERINE: Chug a beer.
Yeah, I guess you're right.
PAIGE: We're in Iove, you asshoIes.
Hey, have you spoken to Anna IateIy?
That's what peopIe do when they're in Iove, they
Yeah. get married.

Okay. But you know what? Not everybody gets married,

you know?
There are many peopIe who never get married. I've gone through breakups before. If you
remember, I handIe them quite weII.
WeII, thanks for the inspirationaI pep taIk.
You've been there, you've seen it. I'm perfectIy
What she meant to say was that it's fine that you capabIe of doing this.
broke up with NeiI.
I can do it again.
Right.
I want you to stop worrying about me.
Tons of peopIe make the choice to be aIone.
They're happy. I'm fine.

Look at AI Pacino. BEN: I know it's here somewhere.

Never been married, happy as a cIam.
WouId that--? Am I--? WouId I be AI Pacino in
this scenario?
I spoke with George Lane in Music. He had a
whoIe Iist of references for you.
WeII, that's okay. You can just caII me when you
find it.

i s h
gl
No, Bethie, we just-- We want you to be happy.
I
e n
swear I didn't Iure you here under faIse

99
WeII, then you shouId have rethought the coraI. pretenses.

LAURA: Oh, her face.

/ 9 9
I know.

o m
r.c
-Your face. -Don't make her cry. A girI can dream, though.

v e
na
I'm sick of these coraI jokes. You're just too good a guy.

af e.
I know, you're sensitive. Trust me, I get it. [SIGHS]

c
Hey, why don't you have dinner with me and Why are you married again?
Steven and the kids...
[LAUGHS]
...then you can just stay over--?
SeriousIy, why?
Why'd she wanna hang out with you and your
husband? No, I reaIIy think that it wouId be good for me to
know...
The Iast thing I'd feeI Iike doing.
...why you cannot Iive without this other woman.
If being in this wedding is too painfuI--
WeII, we'd been together since coIIege and she
Oh, God, you guys. PIease, stop it. ReIax, reIax. gave me an uItimatum.

That's enough, okay? SeriousIy, you guys, I'm f-- She said, ''Either we get married or we break
up.'' Hi, this is Gigi. Is Alex there?

So we got married. HoId on.

Wow. You caved. -AIex? -Yo.

It's compIicated. -Drinks are good? MAN: Yeah, one more.

ReaIIy? -HeIIo? -Hi, this is Gigi.

What? You're a dick if you date a girI for too -Gigi? -Gigi Phillips.
Iong and don't marry her.
-Huh? -I, um...
You marry her and you're an asshoIe for
marrying before you're ready. ...had the dentist pen.

I mean, shit, I don't know. Right. Hey. How you doing?

[SIGHS] -I'm reaIIy sorry to bug you. -That's okay.

i s h
gl
You're reaIIy hot. You had some reaIIy good insights and I wanted

e n
to ask you a question.

99
And I am obviousIy attracted to you.

So I think the best I can do is...

/ 9 9 Okay, Iook, now I need to be harsh with you.

o m Conor's never gonna be interested in you, Geege.

r.c
...eventuaIIy find this piece of paper and caII

ve
you... No, I know. This is about Jarrad.

na
e.
...and hope to just heIp you out in your career in Jarrad.
some smaII way.
a f
Hi.
c So we meet at happy hour and he's compIeteIy
charming--

Hi. What's going on? Hey, give me two seconds, okay? Two seconds,
hoId on.
[HAMMERING]
Let me guess. He said:
Javier.
''The onIy thing happy about this hour is you.''
Javier, I thought we taIked about tarping the
furniture. He might have used some derivative of that.

[PHONE RINGS] [CHUCKLES]

City Supper. So he says he's going to caII, but then he gives

me his card and he says--
 Don't caII him. He doesn't Iike you.
Oh, he's not interested.
Don't tiptoe around my feeIings.
-You don't even know if he's caIIed. -Oh, did he?
-WeII, I'm just trying to heIp. -I know. Thank
No. you.

-But I honestly think he's expect-- -Okay. Sure.

Gigi, he is not interested. I gotta get back to work, but good Iuck.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR] Okay, bye.

AIex, this is jacked. Hey, buddy, you home?

The hostess is giving me shit for not wearing a CONOR: Yeah. Come on in.
bIack shirt.
Hey, you want a beer?
-It's not bIack. -Look at it.

i s
Or an appIe martini?
h
gl
Not a bIack shirt. I see it. It's not bIack.

e n
Oh, that's funny.

99
This shit is bIack.

If a guy gives you his phone number instead of

/ 9 9 [ALEX LAUGHS]

taking yours, he's not interested.

o m Have you toId your parents?

r.c
ve
He took mine first. Then he gave-- It's for work. I'm trying to expand my cIient base.

na
e.
And also, if a guy wants to see you, believe me, By pretending to be gay?

a f
he will see you.

c
I once caIIed 55 Lauren BeIIs untiI I got the right
No, by being more gay-friendIy.

one. Or, in reaI estate terms, ''gay-adjacent.''

That's cute. Nice. I'm gonna use that.

What happened? I shouId change this. It's maybe a IittIe much.

Oh, yeah, as it turns out, her ass Iooked reaIIy I don't know. Dressing Iike that, seeing a girI who
huge in the dayIight. won't sIeep with you...

[GIGI LAUGHS] ...I think you can puII it off.

Is it your sensitivity that makes you so popuIar It's not that she won't sIeep with me, douche bag.
with women?
I have sIept with her. It's just she, you know....
 We're just two innocent foIks who happen to be
Won't sIeep with you anymore. working out near each other.

Pretty much, yeah. BEN: ExactIy.

What do you think? Do you want a swim?

I think you got a probIem... Sure.

...because you're gonna have to beat them away You know, I was just thinking...
with a stick, you gorgeous, sexy man.
...why can't we be friends?
HoIy shit.
I mean, am I not aIIowed to have friends
Observe your breath. anymore?

InhaIe, beIIy rise. I mean, am I not aIIowed to be friends with

peopIe that are hot?
And exhaIe, beIIy faII.

i s h
I mean, what kind of reverse prejudice is that?

gl
Bring your hands together in front of your chest.

e n
I hear you.

99
Bow your head in gratitude.

-Namaste. -Namaste.
/ 9 9I mean...

o m ...am I not supposed to be friends with a guy just

r.c
Thank you for coming. See you next week. because he's married?

v e
[BEN CLAPPING]

na Right.

Great cIass.
af e. Or has an insane smiIe?

c
We ran into each other. Or an ass that makes me wanna dry hump?

You came to my cIass. [BEN CHUCKLES]

I had no idea this was your cIass. -Did you just say ''dry hump''? -Yeah.

You caIIed to ask me if this was my cIass. BEN: Think I just feII in Iove.

No, you never caIIed back. So we're friends.

Because you toId me not to caII you if it was my Yeah.

cIass. It was.
You wanna come in?
-No. We just ran into each other. -Okay.
I'm sorry, I don't trust myseIf.
 Oh, yeah.
That's okay. You can just watch.
Honey, I'm not Iying to you.
You know, you may be the best friend I've ever
had. I think...

[LAUGHS] ...you are reaIIy freaking out.

-Hi. -Hey. This whoIe renovation thing's getting to you

because nothing's happening.
BEN: Take a shower. Hey. -What? Hi.
Just say no.
-Honey? -Yeah.
Get it out.
You smeII weird.
Gonna take a shower.
-I smeII weird? -Yeah, different.
-I'm exhausted. -Okay.
-Different how? -I don't know.

i s h
-Sorry. -It's aII right.

gl
[BEN LAUGHS]

e n
Who'd have thought that a random girI from

99
Sort of an odd thing to say. yoga...

You know, maybe it was the ashtray

/ 9
and 9 -...wouId fix me up with such a good kisser?
cigarettes I found.
o m -Back at you, sister.

r.c
ve
In the back yard. I can't wait to kiss you again.

na
e.
What part of ''My dad died of Iung cancer'' ... But we're kissing right now.

a f
c
...is so hard for you to wrap your brain around? I know, next time.

What? The second-date kiss is way more intimate.

Do not Iie to me, Ben. PIease, okay? WeII, Iisten...

Are you serious? ...I'm Ieaving tomorrow, so I'II be out of touch for
a IittIe bit.
We have, Iike, 8000 undocumented workers here
daiIy. Can you excuse me a quick second? Too many
Diet Cokes.
Okay, and you find an ashtray with cigarettes in
it and you think-- Okay.

You automaticaIIy assume that they're mine. [PHONE RINGING]

Oh, yeah.
So, I mean, I'm in his bathroom right now.
Yeah?
What do I do?
Hey, sorry to bug you again. Quick question.
WeII, you gotta come out eventuaIIy, right? But I'd
Excuse me one minute, babe. Sorry. take my time in there.

What's going on? I'd let him sweat.

Okay, I'm making out with this guy-- PG stuff. -Thanks. -Good luck.

And he mentions that he's going out of town, he's [SIGHS]

gonna be out of touch.
BEN: Yeah, the boat Iooks great.
Run.
You Iook Iike shit.
But maybe he is going out of town.
But your boat Iooks great.
Where? Where's he going that he's gonna be out

i s h
gl
of touch? Yeah. I Iive on my boat, man.

e n
99
Where are you going out of town to again? PersonaI hygiene goes out the window.

Um-- Uh-- Pittsburgh.

/ 9 9
A Iot of time to work on the pIace.

o m
r.c
Pittsburgh. BEN: You shouId try working on a shower.

v e
Run.

na NEIL: Yeah.

af e.
So, what, now I'm just supposed to run from Hey, what can I teII you?

c
every guy who doesn't Iike me?
Standing on principIe, man. It's aII I got.
Yeah.
Cigarette?
There's not gonna be anybody Ieft.
No, I'm good.
I don't know why I'm saying this...
That's right, you quit.
...but I think I know a nice guy who might
actuaIIy Iike you. Good for you.

-Yeah? -Yeah. BEN: So did Janine send you out here to check
up on me?
He's friends with my brother. His name's Bill.
Yeah, pretty much.
We'll all meet for drinks and it'll be good.
What are you gonna teII her?
You're a happiIy married guy.
I'II teII her how gorgeous you Iook out here on
the ocean. Yeah.

[LAUGHS] Yeah, I'd say so.

Break. Now, I know I don't need to teII any of you...

Any word from Beth? ...that my cousin Paige is hot.

She's so busy organizing her sister's funeraI, I [ALL LAUGHING]

think she must be--
In high schooI, if I toId the popuIar guys that
Sister's what? Paige was my cousin...

Her wedding. Her sister's wedding. ...it'd keep me from getting my ass kicked...

-Isn't that what I said? -No. You said ''funeraI.'' ...because no one wanted to bIow their chances
with her.

i s h
gl
-No, I didn't. -Yes, you did.

e n
[ALL LAUGHING]

99
Shit, did I reaIIy?

That's so weird.
/ 9 9And when she gets up there and says those
marriage vows to Devon...

o m
r.c
I don't understand why peopIe wanna get married. ...there wiII be hearts breaking aII over the worId.

v e
[SIGHS]

na MAN: Hear, hear. WOMAN: That's sweet.

They don't.
af e. But, you know, keep in mind that her sister Beth

c
-They don't? -No.
is stiII on the market.

Yeah, sure, she may be an oIder modeI...

No, no guy actuaIIy wants to get married.
...but she got a Iot of good miIes Ieft in that tank.
And if they do, aII they're reaIIy thinking about?
But don't stay on the Iot too Iong...
AII the women they're gonna miss out on.
...or next year's modeIs are gonna sIip in there
I don't wanna be with anybody eIse, just Beth. and steaI aII--

I don't know, man, I.... Okay, that's enough of the speeches.

Why'd you get married? Okay.

I Iove Janine. KEN: So enjoy the crab.

And that yeIIow stuff is not hot mustard, it's the -What are you doing? -Waiting for you.
crab's hepatopancreas.
Come on.
Bethie.
Sorry I'm Iate.
Your cousin Jay has aIways been a jackass.
No, it's okay.
I know.
I Iike a IittIe time before a bIind date.
And somehow even he's married.
Prepare myseIf mentaIIy, remind myseIf not to teII
[KEN CHUCKLES] the story about my moIars....

Oh, honey, Iook. Gigi, he's not coming.

Back when everyone was just going to camp at But you can teII me the story about the moIars.
the Y... I'd Iove to hear it.

...you borrowed my New York Times... Hey.

i s h
n gl
e
...found some arts camp in the Berkshires... How couId he aIready not Iike me?

9 99
9
...wrote away for information and got accepted on I screwed up. I toId BiII it was Thursday, not
your own.

m / Tuesday. It's my fauIt.

o
r.c
You never did things Iike everyone eIse. Hi. Are you good?

v e
Why not?

na -Can I get a Jameson on the rocks? -Sure.

af
Because that's you.e. GIGI: Awesome. I'm stuck with a guy who can't

c
That's why you're my favorite daughter.
distinguish Tuesday from Thursday.

MeanwhiIe, this girI, she's probabIy meeting her

You're not supposed to say that. souI mate as we speak.

I don't give a shit. -This one right here? -Mm-hm.

I'm retired, I'II say what I want to. Oh, God, no.

I'II say it to the whoIe room if you want. How do you know?

Wait, wait, wait! Come here. Stop. The guy working the Tom Cruise thing?

KEN: It's true, though. She's interested, he's cIearIy not.

Hey. You cannot teII from a cursory gIance that he's

not into her. aII Iove that drama.

ActuaIIy, I can. I see this stuff going on every I don't.

night.
So you never wait untiI the Iast minute on a
Watch this. She's going on about her macrobiotic deadIine or a phone biII...
diet.
...because secretIy you Iove the drama...
He's thinking, ''Dear Christ, get me out of here.''
...of not knowing whether or not you're gonna
And Iook, how fortuitous. make it?

Drinks spiII, which is perfect for him, because Maybe.

now....
And Iet me guess:
He can move on to the girI with the shouIder
tattoo. When you were staIking Conor the other night...

Man, you have a gift. ...were you obsessing about him caIIing...

i s h
gl
Now check out Droopy Dog on the other side. ...constantIy pacing back and forth, staring at

e n
your phone for days...

99
He's gonna buy her drinks aII night and she's stiII
gonna insist there's no spark.

/ 9 9...even
mediocre?
though the date was just kind of

Maybe there's not. You need a spark.

o m
r.c
[GIGI LAUGHS]

v e
Oh, the spark thing is buIIshit.

na Okay. Yeah.

e.
-ReaIIy? -BuIIshit.

af
Because you aII thrive on the drama. Thank you.

c
EnIighten me.
Look, you gotta be more Iike me. If a girI Iikes
Guys invented the spark... me, great.

...so they couId not caII and treat you kind of But if not, there are pIenty more out there Iike
badIy and keep you guessing... her, you know?

...then convince you that that anxiety and fear With smaIIer pores and bigger impIants.
that just deveIops naturaIIy...
-That's beautifuI. -I know.
...was actuaIIy just a spark.
Why are you sharing aII of this inside dating
And you guys aII buy it. You eat it up and you information with me again?
Iove it.
I don't know, I Iike you.
You Iove it because you feed off that drama. You
You do? -Seemed Iike a statement. -The question part's
impIied.
WeII, yeah. Okay, don't start doodIing my name
on your binder, okay? I reaIIy didn't hear it in the infIection.

I just mean-- I mean, I Iike you the way I Iike Javier...

basset hounds.
...have you guys been smoking...
Something pathetic about them. You just wanna
cheer them up. ...or not?

Again with the sensitivity. No, ma'am. My guys, they don't smoke on the job
site. They're good guys.
To sensitivity.
Are you sure your guys haven't been...
[HAMMERING]
...sneaking around here?
It Iooks good.
And smoking?
JAVIER: Yeah.

i s h
gl
And Iying to me?
JANINE: Yeah.
e n
99
And smoking?
-He does good work. -Yeah, he does.

/ 9 9 I'm pretty sure.

JANINE: Very nice.
o m
r.c
I need you to be honest with me, Javier.
Very nice.
v e
na Because I can't have someone Iying to me.

e.
-Javier? -Yeah.

af
To my face, under my roof, on my time.
Javier...
c That's a Iot of prepositions.
...if I asked you an honest question...
I mean, there's no reason for that kind of
...do you think you couId give me an honest dishonesty, is there?
answer?
I mean, we made promises to each other.
-I think so. -Good, good.
I mean, we have a contract.
Because I think some of your guys might be
smoking. That's Iike making promises. Isn't it?

Javier? Maybe I shouId get back to work.

-Is that the question? -Yes. Oh, yeah. Right, yeah.

That's great, yeah.
It's obvious she won't sIeep with you.
-Javier? -Yeah.
It's written aII over your puppy-dog face.
We're good. Right? You and me.
-It's kiIIing me, IiteraIIy. I'm dying. -Here, have a
-Oh, yeah, yeah. We're good. -Oh, good. cookie.

Okay, that's great. No, I'm cooI.

Yeah, he did great work. I don't know what she's doing. I cannot read her
signaIs.
Hey.
We used to sIeep together aII the time.
WeIcome, everybody. Thanks for coming. I'm
Conor. That's not true. I don't know why I said that.

Sign in when you get a second. Make yourseIves It wasn't aII the time, but it happened. I know I'm
at home. not just making this up.

i s h
gl
We got some cookies over here, some coId And then out of nowhere it just stops. But she
beverages. HeIp yourseIf.
e n
stiII caIIs.

9 99
9
Conor, you are the Liza MinneIIi of reaI estate. She wants a massage. She Ieaves cute messages.

m /
o
-I know. Your friend Mary's a genius. -I know, But it's not going anywhere. What is she doing?

r.c
she's so great.

ve
HonestIy, we may not have the best insight.

na
WeII, I gotta go, so I guess I'II see you Iater.

e.
Gay signaIs have nothing to do with straight

af
What, you got a cIass, or...? signaIs.

c
Yeah. No. No, just something. He's right. The signaIs are totaIIy different.

-Stuff I gotta do. CONOR: Okay. WeII.... Like, here. Here's ''I wanna sIeep with you.''

-I'II see you. Okay. Bye. -Okay. One, two, three.

Okay. Bye. That's it, three seconds or more, it's on.

-See you Iater. CONOR: AII right. CaII me. And here's ''I don't wanna sIeep with you.''

What? One, two....

She's hoIding out on you, isn't she? -Nope, thanks for pIaying, move aIong. -It's that
simpIe.
Not quite sure I get your meaning.
You're right, that didn't heIp me at aII. ...but I'm just saying, you were warned.

AII right, weII, I can teII you this: Wait, stop.

Gay or straight, you're not gonna get anywhere What?

by being inactive.
BEN: Shit.
She Iikes you. Maybe she just wants you to be a
man and do something. What?

Hit me up with an oatmeaI raisin, wiII you? I am so into you.

-Thanks. -Here you go. SeriousIy, I've never feIt Iike this before.

TRENT: If a girl's into you, she's sleeping with I have to activeIy stop my brain from thinking
you. about you.

If after a month, or two months at the very Like, aII the time.
outside...
Why stop?

i s h
gl
...she's not sIeeping with you?

e n
Because I don't do stuff Iike this.

99
She doesn't Iike you.

The trick is to spot this girI earIy.

/ 9 9
Stuff Iike what?

o m Like sIeep with women that aren't my wife.

r.c
Don't wanna waste the one to seven weeks waiting

ve
to find out it's never gonna happen. First of aII, I am not ''women,'' I'm just one.

na
e.
So I've come up with some signs about how to And second of aII?
spot this girI.
a f
c
A girI wiII never sIeep with you...
Oh, I didn't have a second of aII.

I was hoping ''second of aII'' wouId make me feeI

...if she caIIs you ''cuddIy'' or ''dependabIe.'' better.

If she pops a zit in front of you... Second of aII...

...if her name is Amber or Christine... ...I can't stop thinking about you either.

...if she takes a dump in your bathroom... [ANNA LAUGHS]

...or she takes home Ieftovers on dates one, two,
or three.
I know it's not scientific...
He's totaIIy Ieaving his wife for me. That's crazy.
That's crazy. We hardIy know each other.
I don't know. I mean, Iook at Becca.
 the whoIe thing just got out of controI.
You know, my sister's friend.
And I miss the days where you had one phone
One guy waits on her at Bennigan's... number and one answering machine.

...and by the end of the meaI, they both knew And that one answering machine housed one
they had found the one. cassette tape...

You're right. You're totaIIy right. I mean, it couId ...and that one cassette tape either had a message
happen, right? from the guy or it didn't.

Not for me. And now you have to go around checking aII
these different portaIs...
What about texter?
...just to get rejected by seven different
Texter has yet to make verbaI contact. technoIogies.

I mean, this guy couId've had surgery, Ieaving It's exhausting.

him without a voice box...

i s h
What about that MySpace guy?

gl
...breathing through a stoma...

e n
-Jude. I Iike him. -Good.

99
...and I wouId never know because I've never
actuaIIy heard his voice.

/ 9 9 Yeah, I feIt Iike we connected.

WeII, I doubt he has a stoma.

o m Great.

r.c
ve
MARY: That's not the point. I can't text. What if she wants you to kiss her?

na
e.
You know, I'm not charming via text. Well, then I guess I'm just gonna have to kiss

af
her.

c
ANNA: Maybe you shouId just stop texting.
[RECITING ON-TV DIALOGUE] ''Amanda Jones is
But it's not just texting, it's e-maiI. It's voicemaiI. no minor Ieaguer...
It's snaiI maiI.
...who'II be swept off her feet at the touch of
That's reguIar maiI. your amateur Iips.''

Whatever. None of it's working. [PHONE RINGS]

I had this guy Ieave me a voicemaiI at work, so I This babe has plenty of battle scars.
caIIed him at home.
HeIIo?
And then he e-maiIed me to my BIackBerry, and
so I texted to his ceII. Oh, hey, you're home.

Then he e-maiIed me to my home account and Where am I supposed to be?

Out, maybe? It's Saturday night. -Who's this now? -AIex.

You won't Iet me go out with guys who don't Iike It's totaIIy cIear to me now. He's Watts.
me. It's kind of Iimiting.
-He's what? -From Some Kind of Wonderful.
Right. Listen, I was just gonna Ieave a message.
I thought Mary Stuart Masterson was Watts.
I'm having a party next weekend. You shouId
come. -Yes. -So why aren't you Watts?

Oh, I don't know. Won't Conor be there? Might be I'm Eric StoItz.
kind of awkward.
AIex is Watts. Watts heIps Eric StoItz go on a
He's at a reaI-estate conference in D.C. But date with Amanda Jones.
there'II be a Iot of singIe guys.
ReaIIy, she's in Iove with Eric StoItz.
So there wiII be pIenty of chances for me to be
awkward. So Amanda Jones is Conor?

i s h
gl
Don't worry, I'II be there. I'II taIk you through it. I guess. At first. Now men in generaI, but that's

e n
not the point.

99
[PLATES SHATTERING]

Okay, gotta go.

/ 9 9The point is he's into me.

o m I knew there had to be some reason why he was

r.c
Someone just dropped Iike 84,000 pIates. Maybe spending that time with you.
I'II see you there.
v e
na I know. It's so obvious now. There are so many

e.
You're busy. I shouIdn't have caIIed. You caIIed signs.
me.
a f
c
-Yup, good. -Bye.
Signs. Love signs. You gotta teII me about the
signs. I Iove signs.

KEITH [ON TV] : How--? How do you work on it? First they were smaII. At first when I caIIed, he
said, ''Good to hear from you.''
Pretend I'm a girl, okay?
-TotaIIy good sign. -Right?
I mean...
And then the next time I caIIed he was with a
...pretend I'm her. woman...

Amanda. ...but he took the caII and we taIked for a whiIe.

He's into me. -You know it was a woman? -CaIIed her ''babe.''

Awesome. I knew it. Okay, a guy doesn't Ieave a woman to go taIk to

another woman unIess he's....
But that's the same thing, right?
And it gets more obvious.
-Right, right. -Just caII your voicemaiI.
I mean, pIease. There was no guy he was gonna
fix me up with. Yeah, but he had a gig Iast night and he probabIy
didn't get home tiII Iate.
The fix-up was him.
-Did I teII you he's a singer? -Mm-hm.
No.
-Just caII. JOSHUA: Oh, honey, no, on speaker.
Yes. He shows up without this fictitious BiII
character. I don't think so. I'm sure he hasn't caIIed.

The two of us basicaIIy have a date. -Just caII him. -Okay.

And then he caIIs and invites me to a party at RECORDING: You have two new messages. GUYS:
his pIace. Oh.

JANINE: He so Iikes you. [BEEP]

i s h
n gl
e
I'm so happy for you. JUDE [SINGING] : Mary

9 99
9
Let's Iook up pIaces for your destination wedding. Whoa, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary

m /
o
How do you feeI about Napa VaIIey? Oh, my Mary

r.c
ve
I have reaIIy aIways wanted to go there. I just got hard.

na
e.
Oh, he's cute. Hey, Mary, it's Jude.

a f
c
Yeah. SmoIdering but sensitive. I was just calling to tell you again how special it
was to meet you.
Oh. ''AII I have is my guitar, these chords, and
the truth.'' So call me back. Bye-bye.

BOTH: Bon Jovi. [DIAL TONE]

-That's hot. -Yeah. I Iike him. Amazing.

I mean, he probabIy hasn't caIIed yet because we NATHAN: This is good, this is good. -This is....
just had coffee Iast night.
See, he caIIed.
-ReaIIy? MARY: Yeah, you know.
JUDE [SINGING] Jenny
I mean, we actuaIIy video iChatted whiIe hoIding
coffee. Whoa, Jenny, Jenny, Jenny
Hey, Jenny, it's Jude. I was just calling to-- Okay.

Whoa, shit. What number did I just dial? I sIept with someone.

RECORDING: All messages erased. -I said-- -I heard you.

That one. You teII me this in Home Depot because you

know I hate a pubIic scene.
-You sure? -Yeah.
No, that is not why I'm teIIing--
No. It's a Iaminate.
I knew it.
-That's not reaI hardwood fIoor? -Nope.
I knew it.
It Iooks exactIy Iike it. But it is Iike one
one-hundredth of the cost. -You asshoIe. -I'm sorry.

Oh. It is you that's been smoking too, isn't it?

i s h
gl
I stiII wanna go with the reaI wood. Wha--? Wait, what does that even matter?

e n
99
What? You can't even teII the difference. Have you--?!

It's not the point.

/ 9 9 Have you been smoking?

o m
r.c
WeII, what is the point? No. No, I haven't.

v e
I just....

na I taIked to NeiI. I toId him.

af e.
I don't Iike the way it's pretending to be wood. He said I couId stay at his boat for a whiIe.

c
If you're not wood, don't try and Iook Iike wood. Excuse me?

I don't think that it's pretending. Now you're moving out?

This is a Iie, Ben. -You're, Iike, Ieaving me? -No.

Just be up front and teII peopIe what you reaIIy No, I just assumed that you wouIdn't want me
are. to--

Okay, you're right. You're right. Aren't we gonna deaI with this?

I'm sorry. Don't you wanna find some way...

It's okay. Maybe we shouId just go Iook at the ...for us to work through this?
griIIs and we'II come back.
I assumed that when I toId you, you wouId want
me... Sort of.

...out. -Sort of? -WeII, I'm actuaIIy a Wiccan.

Is that what you want? -A what? -A Wiccan.

No. Wiccan?

Okay. -MaIe witch. -Right.

Okay. So I aIso have a magicaI name.

WOMAN 1 : You're doing a great job. It's Brother Phoenix East-Horse.

Oh, my gosh, it's Bridget. Hi! But I didn't know if that wouId fit on the card.
Love that.
WOMAN 2: Oh, my goodness.
I'm guessing that I'm gonna hear a whoIe Iot
[CROWD CHUCKLING] about you.

i s h
n gl
e
Oh, what a beautifuI dog. Nature-based pre-Christian paganism, yeah.

999
9
SeriousIy, Devon, I reaIIy did feeI just a moment, Yeah. That's fantastic.
a spIash, of hesitation.

m /
o
WeII, where to begin?

r.c
No, there wasn't. There wasn't any hesitation at

ve
aII. WeII, first off, it's not just a bunch of nude

na farming. Dad.

e.
PAIGE: You just did it again. That was a pause.

af
-Wow. -Let's Iook at Stonehenge.

c
DEVON: I did not pause.
ObviousIy not a coincidence.
You must be Beth.
They didn't have the machinery to move those
Yeah. Yeah. rocks. They're huge.

Heard a Iot about you from Paige. -Yeah, they're heavy. -Of course.

ActuaIIy been Iobbying to sit next to her singIe [''IF I NEVER SEE YOUR FACE AGAIN'' BY
sister for weeks. MAROON 5 PLAYING ON STEREO]

Oh, yeah? -I'm Nathan. And this is Bruce. -Gigi.

So you must be: -Gigi. Hi. -Hey.

''Dan.'' So how do you guys know AIex?

 Oh, Dominic.
We don't. Our friend Mary heard about this from
some guy named Conor. -Gross. -No.

And how do you know AIex? MAN 1 : Ken, are you okay? What happened?

I hope-- WOMAN 1 : Oh, my God.

I'm pretty sure that something's about to happen WOMAN 2: Ken, are you aII right? MAN: Just
between us. cIutched his chest.

BRUCE: Ooh. NATHAN: Oh. WOMAN 1 : He was standing there and aII of a
sudden--
So are you here as, Iike, a guest, or, Iike, his
date? WOMAN 2: Ken, just try to breathe. MAN 2: CaII
91 1 .
Oh, I hate that. When you don't know if you're a
date. BETH: Dad. Excuse me.

You don't know if you shouId bring a friend, or Daddy, what

l i s
is
h it? What happened? What

g
are you co-hosting... happened?

e n
...or shouId you stay to the end to have some
9 9
-Guys, come here! LAURA: What happened?
aIone time?

/ 9 9
BETH: Daddy, Iay down, okay?

o m
He didn't say. I'm sure I'm more than just a

r.c
guest. LAURA: Did he faII? BETH: You'II be fine.

v e
na
-I mean, there have been signs. -CooI. You guys, did anybody see what happened?

af e.
[BAND PLAYING JAZZ MUSIC] LAURA: Over there. Just go get it. -Okay.

c
DOMINIC: So where's NeiI? Hey, hey. I had no idea it'd be such a madhouse.

We broke up. Hey. Great party.

-No way. -Yeah. Thanks. Did any guys hit on you? A Iot of them
here.
You guys were together, what, Iike 1 0 years?
You need me to evaIuate any IeveI of interest?
Seven. But stiII, it's a Iong time.
They were gay. Even I know their IeveI of interest
Yeah. was probabIy Iow.

It's too bad cousins can't marry, because then we ALEX: Hey, SkiIo!
couId maybe--
It's too bad BiII couIdn't make it. I know you guys
wouId hit it off.
AIex asked me to get the dip together. Thanks for
Okay, right. ''BiII.'' getting it started.

Right. It couId use a IittIe more diII.

[CHUCKLING] I'm on it, though, don't worry.

Listen, I gotta go make a Iiquor run, but the food
needs some refreshing.
-WouId you mind heIping and refiIIing--? -Like
co-hosting?
Come on, my boy. Take it home.
Franchise pIayer. My boy Marbury.
GIRL: Fifteen seconds. ALEX: Let's go.

Okay, yeah. GIRL: Oh, a pass. ALEX: You work too hard.

Sure. WeII, I think I've rounded up the Iast of the beer

bottIes.
Just refiIIing the chips. They're on the fridge.

i s h
-Oh, what game are we pIaying? -Oh, sorry,

gl
Thanks. Nash.

e n
99
[TING TINGS' ''FRUIT MACHINE'' BLARING] -Oh, come on. -Come on, come on.

MAN 1 : Hey, sweetie, get me a beer? -I'II get you

/ 9 9
ALEX: Nash, you piece of shit. Come on. -Maybe I
another.
o m shouId just--

r.c
ve
-Hi, guys. -Nice. -It's past 3, so.... ALEX: Okay, swat it.

na
e.
Hey, Linda. GIRL: Watch this. Ready?

a f
c
[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY] -And.... ALEX: Oh, no, no, no!

-ReaIIy great party. -Oh, thanks. Yes. Suck it. Yes.

You know, when AIex said he wanted to throw a Oh, you are-- You're sensationaI.
party, I was Iike, ''Let's do it!''
-Yeah, I know. -Jesus.
-Thanks for having us. -No probIem, any time.
I don't know why I bother.
Can I heIp you find something?
-Did you say it's past 3? -Yeah.
Oh, no, it's okay. I got it.
-Oh, man, I gotta go. Hey, good game. -AII right.
Thanks for mixing that up.
GIRL: Bye. GIGI: Bye.
What?
Hey, thanks for staying and heIping me cIean up.
Oh, man.
I reaIIy gotta go to bed, though.
What are you taIking about?
Is that an invitation?
Gigi, what have I been saying since I met you?
What?
If a guy wants to date you, he wiII make it
[GIGI LAUGHS] happen, okay? He wiII ask you out.

Oh, God, that was cheesy. Did I ask you out?

Oh, I'm not good at this. No.

What? Why wouId you do this?

ALEX: Hey. Oh, shit.

Oh, yes. I knew it. Why do women do this? BuiId up this stuff in
their minds...

i s h
gl
The best reIationships grow out of friendships.

e n
...take each IittIe thing a guy does, and then twist

99
Wait, wait, wait. Gigi. it into something eIse?

Wait, wait, wait.

/ 9 9 It's insane.

o m
r.c
What? I'd rather be Iike that than be Iike you.

v e
na
Now you and I are in a reIationship? Excuse me?

WeII, I'd
af
say e.
if we're not at reIationship What is that supposed to mean?
station-ship...
c I may dissect each IittIe thing...
...we're at Ieast on the track.
...and put myseIf out there too much...
And why exactIy wouId you think that?
...but at Ieast that means I stiII care.
Because of the signs.
Oh, you think you've won because women are
ReaIIy, Iike what? expendabIe to you?

Like, it was good to hear from me... You may not get hurt or make an ass of yourseIf
that way...
...and you taIked to me even when you were with
a girI... ...but you don't faII in Iove that way either.

...and I feIt something. You have not won.

 ...and aII we have Ieft to eat is some oId jeIIy and
You're aIone, AIex. some ramen noodIes.

I may do a Iot of stupid shit... And our new brother wouId Iike to co-opt Dad's
property before he's even dead.
...but I know I'm a Iot cIoser to finding someone
than you are. Laura, aIso your husband wouId reaIIy Iike
another beer...
BETH: Do you want anything eIse?
...to go with his fifth consecutive hour of the goIf
Yeah, Iess of the cardboard crap and more network.
reguIar peopIe food.
Are you okay?
WeII, that cardboard crap is what we caII
whoIe-wheat toast. [CRYING]

WeII, maybe you couId just fry me up a coupIe of Don't worry, honey, Dad's gonna be fine.
sausage Iinks.
GIGI: Do you know who it is? -No.
PeopIe who have just had a heart attack are

i s h
gl
generaIIy not advised... Doesn't matter.

e n
99
...to have animaI fat that's been stuffed into a So are you gonna Ieave him?
synthetic casing.

/ 9 9 Gigi, he's my husband.

[CHUCKLES]
o m
r.c
He's not some guy who didn't caII me back.

v e
[VAN MORRISON'S ''I GOT A WOMAN'' BLARING
ON RECORD PLAYER]

na He did admit it to me.

af e.
STEVEN: Hey, Beth. Grab me a beer when you get He didn't wait to get caught, which takes courage,

c
to the kitchen, okay? you know?

And a IittIe pIate of coId cuts, if there are any I'm sorry, I didn't mean that.
Ieft.
I didn't mean it.
Hey, wouId you guys pIease just turn that down a
bit? Dad's trying to sIeep. I know that AIex wasn't just some guy.

You think he wants to hang on to this vinyI? Oh, it's okay.

My coIIection couId use a Iot of these. It's my fauIt, you know.

WouId you just turn it the fuck down? What?

WeII, we're totaIIy out of toiIet paper... Oh, I just think I need to take responsibiIity for
my share in the whoIe...
 secretary...
...mess. You know?
...when I came home earIy from the MaIdives.
I forced him into getting married.
It was just so unoriginaI.
-You know, he wasn't ready. -Janine, this isn't
your fauIt. Made me feeI sorry for him.

No, it is. It is, I've changed. My second husband was a pinch more creative.

I was... Cheated on me with my sister...

...fun, you know? ...but made me beIieve that I was insane for being
suspicious.
I was fun when we first met.
So at Ieast some mind games, some intrigue.
You're stiII fun.
But my Iast husband, he was a gem.
[SIGHS]

i s h
He was a veritabIe master at covering his tracks.

gl
We don't have sex anymore.
I
e n
mean, I pored over his phone records, I

99
Lots of coupIes go through IuIIs. intercepted his credit-card biIIs...

No, I mean...
/ 9 9 ...I had him foIIowed on numerous occasions...

o m
r.c
...we never have sex. ...and never found a singIe shred of evidence.

v e
[JANINE CRYING]

na It wasn't untiI he died...

af e.
I mean, reaIisticaIIy, what do I expect him to do, ...that I found out about the property he owned
you know?
c with his Austrian mistress.

I don't think that's reaIIy.... But the reaI master, I have to say, is me.

God, this tiIe is too smaII. Three husbands, countIess boyfriends, I haven't
been caught yet.
I have to teII Javier.
ANNA: Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
-What? -This tiIe is too smaII.
-Oh, my God, oh, my God. I can't-- -Shh.
I gotta go. I have to take a personaI day, if
anyone asks. BEN: It's over there.

MARIEL: WeII, my first husband was unimpressive. ANNA: Oh, my God.

I found him in bed with his big-breasted He Iiked the demo. I can't beIieve it.
It's unbeIievabIe. What are you doing?

Did you hear when he said that it was hauntingIy JANINE: Sit down.
beautifuI?
BEN: Okay.
Yeah, I was there. I was--
Hon?
I was there, baby.
What are you doing?
Thank you.
I don't know. I just thought...
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
...maybe we couId--
Dana, I'm working. I'm stiII going over some
offering statements. You gotta-- -Sorry. -Are you okay?

You gotta come back Iater. JANINE: Maybe if you just go over there.

JANINE: It's not Dana. Just trying to...

i s h
n gl
e
Is that your--? ...you know, re-Iight the fire.

999
9
-Is that your--? -Shh. Oh, honey.

m /
o
[WHISPERING] Can you get in the cIoset? Didn't you hear what I said before? I reaIIy gotta

r.c
finish these offerings.
-Get in the cIoset. -What?
v e
na Look...

e.
Just go in the cIoset for a second. Just for a

af
second. ...I'm reaIIy trying here.

Ben?
c Do you wanna save our marriage?

I keep teIIing Dana to get that damn Iock fixed. Of course.

JANINE: Why do you even bother Iocking it? Me too.

-What?
Tyrone, you cover 4 through 6 and pitch in with
JANINE: Why do you bother Iocking it? the bussers when you can.

Oh, you know I can't get any work done if I Wait a minute. I'm on 8 through 1 0.
don't.
Hey, I been working here 1 8 months, 8 through
-Hey. -Hi. 1 0.

-Can I come in? -Yeah, of course. ALEX: Minor oversight.

 Jumping every time your phone rings, checking
Luis, you cover 4 through 6, then. your e-maiI 1 00 times a day...

Dude, Luis quit Iike 1 0 months ago. ...wishing you couId write songs.

[WORKERS CHUCKLING] No, feeIing the need to bring up her name in

random conversations.
MAN: Yeah, he quit.
It's aIways the same and it has happened to you,
Is there any reason we're even having this my friend.
meeting?
Shit.
Not reaIIy.
WeIcome to my worId, asshoIe.
-No, not for me. ALEX: Great. Good. Great.
Let me get the door.
Meeting adjourned.
Sure I can't interest you in a IittIe beef and
Back to work. broccoIi?

i s h
gl
Hey, KeIIi Ann. I gotta finish this stuff.

e n
99
Did I get any caIIs? Okay.

Since you asked me 1 1 minutes ago, no. Not a

/ 9 9 -Yeah. So I'II see you at home. -Okay.
Iot of phone traffic.
o m
r.c
I Iove you.
-Oh, my God. -What?
v e
na I Iove you too.

e.
What's her name?

af
-Okay. I'II see you Iater. Okay, bye. -Bye.
Who?
c -You make me sick. -I had no choice.
The girI, AIex.
-You're a disgusting excuse for a man! -What
There's no girI. was I supposed to do?

You can't hide it, man. -You're the one I wanna be-- -Don't touch me!

I know strung out and you are strung out. You wiII never touch me again.

Okay, pIease. Dino, thanks again for Ietting me pay over the
phone.
KELLI ANN: This is amazing.
I assure you this Iate-payment thing wiII never
You can't focus, right? happen again.
Yep, just trying to trim some of the drama out of
my Iife. I washed your hair for you after you had
shouIder surgery and everything.
[BEEPING]
And it's Iike we're together.
Oh, that's my other Iine.
-I know that I've been-- -No, hoId on a second.
Okay, bye.
Let me finish.
-HeIIo? BILL: Hi, Gigi?
I think maybe this is my fauIt...
This is Bill.
...because maybe I wasn't cIear about exactIy
-BiII...? -Alex's friend. what I want.

We were supposed to meet up but Alex told me So Iet me-- Let me be cIear.
the wrong day.
I Iove hanging out.
BiII, so you do exist.

i s h
But I'm so attracted to you. I just-- I want both.

gl
I do.

e n
I don't know what happened or why we stopped. I

99
And I'd love to buy you dinner sometime if you're don't care.
still game.

/ 9 9
Okay.
Yes.
o m
r.c
-What? -Okay.
Sure, why not?
v e
na No, I'm taIking about reaIIy doing this. Like a

e.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR] fuII-on reIationship.

a f
Hey.
c Right.

Coming, I'm coming, I'm coming. With me.

Hi. Hi, sweetie. Yeah.

See, why did you just caII me ''sweetie''? A bunch of gay peopIe put you up to this?

-We aIways caII each other that. -Why? Stop taIking.

AII right, Iook, I wanna say something, okay? DEVON: Stay home. It's an end-around. GEORGE:
No, no, it's not. He's stiII got it.
We caII each other ''sweetie'' aII the time.
He's stiII got it.
And we faII asIeep on the phone after taIking for
hours. STEVEN: Shit. -Who Iet that happen? It's
embarrassing.
[SIGHS]
GEORGE: Argh! DEVON: That is so embarrassing.
You Iying sack of shit!
What?
[SCREAMING]
Did any of you guys have a chance to get to the
store? Lying!

Oh, yeah, no. We're good, we got takeout. Sack!

No, I didn't mean for you, I meant f-- Shit!

GEORGE: AII right, here we go. -Come on, Okay.

defense, wake up.
[PHONE RINGING]
You have to be kidding me.
GIGI: --or call my cell, or try me at work...
I just got a IittIe bit more of this I gotta finish.
...but

l i
definitely
s hleave a message here first.

g
There's some Iaundry I'm gonna put away... Thanks.

e n
...then I had another Ioad of cIothes in the dryer.
9 9
Hey, Gigi, it's AIex.

I did get some of the food your dad Iikes, but

/ 9 9 How's it going?
some heaIthy stuff too.
o m
r.c
Just wondering how you're doing.
Just, you know.
v e
na I haven't taIked to you in a IittIe whiIe...

e.
It's gonna be okay.

af
...and was just wondering how you're doing.

c
It'II be okay.
So, hey, I was hoping to taIk to you.
[CAR ALARM CHIRPS]
ObviousIy.
[HAMMERING]
But you're out, I guess.
Bend your knee a IittIe bit more. There you go.
So just caII me sometime.
InhaIe, reverse warrior, Iook up.
Or tonight.
ExhaIe.
I'm around, I'II be-- WeII, I'm in and around.
[PHONE RINGING]
So that's enough for now.
Hi, you've reached Ben's cell phone. Please
leave-- It's AIex.
 I just can't give you....
Okay.
I just can't give you what you want.
Dude.
You're what I want.
I know.
Our Iife together is what I want.
Hey.
I miss it.
Hey.
I miss you.
WeIcome aboard.
You see those guys my sisters are married to--
Might I come aboard?
You're more of a husband to me, not being
Yeah. You remember the boat. married...

WeII, you know, I thought I did. ...than those reaI husbands are ever gonna be,
and....
-Or, you know, IittIe.... -But it's been a whiIe.

i s h
gl
It's enough. It's reaIIy enough for me.
You know that dock? Over there, there's a boat
e n
99
that Iooks just Iike yours. And you wouId be wiIIing...

NEIL: Uh-huh. -It's not yours.

/ 9 9
...to take the whoIe marriage thing off the tabIe

o m compIeteIy?

r.c
-No, that's not my boat. -It's definiteIy not.

ve
If you promise to commit to me and to Iove me,

na
But there's a very nice gentIeman... and--

af e.
...Iiving on the boat... -I aIready have. -I'm not finished.

c
...who invited me in for a white-wine spritzer. Okay. AII right.

Oh, good. -But I've Ioved you for seven years-- -Ah-ah.

Wasn't expecting visitors. Okay.

That's aII right. I just wanted to just come by and You have to snake the drain when my hair gets
say thanks... cIogged.

...for heIping yesterday. You know that happens. Okay?

Beth, you know, I'm the same person. Okay. Yeah.

I wouId do anything for you. And aIso...

...you have to Iet me eat those Wheat Thins in
bed. You gotta give me that. Wait a minute.

-Okay, fine. AII right. -Okay? Oh, yeah.

And.... Yeah, that's it.

-Yeah. -And? We used to have the exact same one...

-That's it. -Okay. ...except my mom used it as a desk.

Do I get to come home now? So...

I guess you can. ...when do aII the fabuIous peopIe arrive?

But these cannot come. WeII, actuaIIy, the open house is tomorrow.

-What, my pants--? -That's correct. But I have this one buyer...

-Can't come home? Why? -No.

i s h
...and I wanted to make sure his girIfriend Iikes it

gl
first.
You just won a reaIIy big battIe, my friend. Come
e n
99
on. Oh, he has a girIfriend, huh?

So we're not gonna get married, but I have to get

/ 9 9 Yeah, I have an idea.
rid of my pants.
o m
r.c
For this house.
Mm-hm. And we both win.
v e
na For me.

e.
AII right. I'II get rid of them if you Iike.

af
And hopefuIIy, if you Iike it...

c
You're getting a Iot of bids on this pIace?
...and things continue to, you know....
Yeah. I know it's crazy, but it's a neighborhood in
transition. Anna...

Is that Iike young, hip, gay coupIes or something ...I have a pIan, okay?
Iike that?
I know where my Iife is going, and I want you to
Yeah. Hip gay peopIe, young coupIes, young go with me.
famiIies.
I'm not saying I want you to move in right now...
ANNA: Wow.
...but I don't want to buy this pIace unIess, at
God, this reminds me of where I grew up. some point...

I bet it's got one of the-- ...you couId see yourseIf moving in.
So, what do you think? Yeah, I did.

I can't do this. ReaIIy? What did you forget?

Okay. This.

WeII, if it's too fast, I guess we can aIways just--
I can't do any of this.
I mean...
...what you're saying and what you're offering...
You came aII the way here at 1 1 :00 at night to
bring me back a promotionaI pen?
Yeah.
I thought I shouId just come up with some reaIIy
great excuse to get over here.

...is what every girI wants. That's how it's done, isn't it?

It's what I aIways wanted. Sometimes.

It's just....

i s h
Look, I can't stop thinking about you.

n gl
e
You don't want it with me. It's a probIem.

999
9
Okay. I drive by your pIace, I caII and hang up.

m /
o
I have a question. I'm turning into--

r.c
ve
Is there any way we couId... Me.

na
e.
...diaI it back to before, when we were just Yeah.

a
sIeeping together...
f
c
...because I don't know, I feIt Iike that geIIed.
A wise person once toId me...

...that if a guy wants to be with a girI he wiII

Babe? make it happen, no matter what.

It was nice meeting you. That's true.

Thank you so much for a IoveIy evening. But when I was hurIing my body onto yours...

You too. ...you did not seem to want to make it happen.

Good night. Yeah, aII right. Here's the thing about that:

[KNOCKING ON DOOR] You were right.

You forget something? I've gotten so used to keeping myseIf at a safe

distance from aII these women... I think the shirt you're wearing now is probabIy
more you.
...and having the power...
What, you here?
...that I didn't know what it feIt Iike...
I'm sitting right in front of you.
...when I actuaIIy feII...
[MARY LAUGHING]
...for one of them.
Wow, this is you. Mary.
I didn't know.
It's me.
Look, I just went out with your friend BiII and....
I'm me.
Yeah.
ShouId I--?
He might be just exactIy what I need.
-PIease. PIease. -Okay.
No drama.

i s h
-TaIk to you in a minute. -See you in a second.

gl
He caIIs, he does what he says.

e
Okay.
n
99
-I can do that stuff too. -But you didn't.

And that same wise person toId me that I am the

/ 9 9
Hey.

ruIe.
o m -Hi. -How are you?

r.c
ve
That I have to stop thinking that every guy wiII It's nice to finaIIy meet you.
change.

na
e.
-You too. -In person.

a f
That I have to stop thinking that--

c
I'm the exception.
This is a pIeasant surprise.

-You.... -What?
You are my exception.
-I don't know. Not what I expected. -My voice
[PHONE RINGS] doesn't match my face?

Conor Barry.
Hi, it's Mary at the BIade.
I'm Iooking at your new ad and I Iove it.
ReaIIy? You don't think the muscIe T is too
much?
CONOR: Your voice does not match your face in
a good way.
In a-- Yeah, I mean-- That sounded terribIe.
Amazing.
I don't know how aII this stuff fit in here before.
I know. It seems Iike it just expanded.
GIGI: Every movie we see, every story we're told...
You are not trying to get these back in here.
...implores us to wait for it.
-You are not getting rid of these pants. -We had
a deaI, mister. The third act twist: The unexpected declaration of
love.
These are not staying.
The exception to the rule.
-You can store those horizontaIIy. -GoodwiII
wouIdn't even take these. But sometimes we're so focused on finding our
happy ending...
They couId be pressed, fIattened, you can--
...we don't learn how to read the signs.
If you're gonna throw them out, at Ieast check
the pockets, aII right? How to tell the ones who want us from the ones
who don't.
So you don't throw away some personaI items.
The ones who will stay from the ones who will
I Iove you so much. leave.

i s h
n gl
e
So much. -Hi. -Hi.

9 99
9
And I wanna make you happy. GIGI: And maybe this happy ending doesn't

m / include a wonderful guy.

o
I need to make you happy...

r.c
Maybe it's you...

v e
...for me to even have a shot at being happy.

na ...on your own...

e.
WiII you marry me?

af
...picking up the pieces and starting over.

c
Yes, of course I wiII. Yes.
Freeing yourself up for something better in the
Yes. future.

NEIL: Thank God. Maybe the happy ending is just...

GIGI: Girls are taught a lot of stuff growing up: ...moving on.

If a guy punches you, he likes you. Baby, what are you doing? It's our turn. Forget
the dip. Come on, come on.
Never try to trim your own bangs.
MAN: Let's go, AIex.
And someday you will meet a wonderful guy and
get your very own happy ending. Come on, AIex, your turn.

--and your commitment to each other. Ready? LOL.

 MARY: We're heading there, is that fair? CONOR:
Laugh out Ioud! We won! It's moving fast. Just on our way.

GIGI: Or maybe the happy ending is this: I like him, I'll say that L word.

Knowing that through all the unreturned phone
calls and broken hearts...
...through all the blunders and misread signals...
...through all of the pain and embarrassment...
That's true, it does start with an L. Yeah.
I like her a lot, so....
-Good, I'm glad. [MOUTHING] I love her. I love
her.

...you never, ever gave up hope. ANNA: You know, what I've been focusing my
energy on...
NEIL: Now that we are married....
...is like a self-discovery, as opposed to dating.
BETH: We're gonna move.
I don't know. Maybe dating's a little overrated.
Gonna move. That's one thing we're gonna do.

i s h
Good friend of mine and I are going to India for

gl
Another thing we're gonna do is move a little a few months.
further away from....
e n
99
We're going on a yoga retreat.
-Baltimore? -Your sisters.

/ 9 9
ALEX: I really genuinely love this person--

o
JANINE: I mean, everyone makes mistakes.
m
r.c
He had asked me to co-host this party...

v e
I've started trying to figure out what I wanna do,

na
who I wanna be, you know? ...and I stayed after.

af e.
Probably seems the wrong time to do that, but I was trying to help you out because there was

c
why not? You know, why not? this girl who would not leave...

Better later than never. -...that tall girl. -Right. She was gross.

I'm dating now. I was trying to--

MAN: What do you miss most about marriage? She was-- Come on.

Have you been married?

MAN: Yes, I'm married.

※ 1000 편 이상의 영화, 미드, 원서,
-You are married? MAN: I am married. 오디오북으로 공부하기 원하시면 여기를
방문가입해보세요.
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