18 Ways to Handle Emotional Blackmail (+ Examples & Quotes)

Emotional blackmail is a dysfunctional form of manipulation that people use to place

demands and threaten victims to get what they want. The undertone of emotional blackmail
is if you don’t do what I want when I want it, you will suffer.
The term was introduced by Susan Forward, Ph.D., in her book Emotional Blackmail:
When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You (Forward &
Frazier, 1998).
She describes how emotional blackmail tactics are used by abusers to threaten in order
to get what they want. In placing demands and threats, they create feelings of fear, guilt,
and anger to solicit compliance from their victims. In doing so, they divert blame and
responsibility to the victim for their own negative actions. Typically, this dysfunctional type
of manipulation occurs in close relationships.
Emotional blackmail is a concept recently developed and one receiving increased
attention. The #MeToo movement is bringing education and awareness around the dynamics
of emotional abuse and its powerful negative impact. In this article, we explore the meaning
behind emotional blackmail, examples of this manipulation, the damage that occurs from
this emotional abuse, and ways to handle it.

The Meaning of Emotional Blackmail

Emotional blackmail is the process in which an individual makes demands and threats
to manipulative another person to get what they want. It is a form of psychological abuse,
causing damage to the victims. Their demands are often intended to control a victim’s
behavior through unhealthy ways.
Emotional blackmail is a way of being manipulated by your partner. However, in these
situations, it can be difficult to gauge and clearly point to whether the victim is being
manipulated.
Leaders in the field, Susan Forward and Donna Frazier identify the power dynamic that
occurs in such manipulation. They suggest that emotional blackmailers employ a fear –
emotion – guilt tactic to get what they want.
FOG is a term named by Forward, suggesting that fear, obligation, and guilt are the
dynamics in emotional blackmail between the manipulator and the victim. The acronym FOG
also accurately describes the confusion and lack of clarity and thinking that can occur in
these interpersonal dynamics. Emotional blackmail can create a fog and contribute to
feelings of fear, obligation, guilt, and anxiety.
According to Forward, emotional blackmail occurs in close relationships. The
manipulator leverages knowledge gained about the victim’s fears. Blackmailers will use the
information they learn about what the victim fears to manipulate them.
 Forward suggests that one of the most painful elements of emotional blackmail is that
they use personal information about the victim’s vulnerabilities against them. Another
trigger blackmailers will use is putting the victim’s sense of obligation to the test. They will
commonly create undeserved guilt and blame to attribute their problems to the victim.
They make threats related to the victim’s emotional triggers to force compliance. For
example, “If you don’t do what I want I will…leave you, tell your secrets, not love you…”
They can also take advantage of the victim’s sense of responsibility and obligation. “All I do is
work for this family, the least you could do is…” Blackmailers exploit the victim’s sense of
guilt to create confusion and get the victim to give in to their demand.
Because the tactics can be covert, emotional blackmail may be difficult to spot,
especially for those who may experience more vulnerabilities to it. According to Forward,
“Blackmailers make it nearly impossible to see how they’re manipulating us, because
they lay down a thick fog that obscures their actions. All the while, if we attempt to fight
back, they ensure that we literally can’t see what is happening to us.”
They can use covert techniques that create confusion by:
Making their demands seem reasonable
Make the victim feel selfish
Pathologizing or making the victim seem as though they are crazy
Ally with someone of influence to intimidate the victim
There are warning signs of emotional blackmail in a relationship:
If one person frequently apologizes for things that are not their doing, such as the
manipulator’s outburst, bad day, or negative behaviors.
If one person insists on only their way or nothing, even if it is at the expense of the
partner.
It seems to be a one-way street of sacrifice and compliance.
One person feels intimidated or threatened to obey or comply.

When in a dysfunctional cycle of emotional blackmail, the victim may be inclined to:
apologize, plead, change plans to meet the others’ needs, cry, use logic, give in, or challenge.
Typically, they will find it difficult to stand up for themselves, directly address the issue, set
boundaries, and communicate with the blackmailer that the behavior is inappropriate. They
do not consistently set clear boundaries indicating what is acceptable for them.

Forward and Frazier recognize four types of blackmailing, each with varying manipulation
tactics.
1. Punishers – Punishers operate with a need to get their way, regardless of the feelings or
needs of the other person. Their motto is “my way or the highway.” Punishers will insist
upon pushing for control and getting what they want with threats to inflict damage or
 harm.
2. Self-punishers – Individuals can make threats of self-harm if the partner does not comply
with what they want.
3. Sufferers – this is the voice of a victim conveying guilt on the partner if they do not do
what is demanded. If they don’t comply, there is a suggestion that their suffering will be
the others’ fault. “After all that I’ve done for you, you are going to let me suffer…?”
4. Tantalizers – This can be the most subtle and confusing form of manipulation. There is a
promise of what will be better if they comply. It sparks hope yet is still connecting a
threat to the demand.

Common in any abuse cycles, it is important to understand the progression of emotional

blackmail. It usually starts as subtle or implicit comments and behaviors. The progression
can be insidious, so one does not realize its impact until it has gotten severe.
A metaphor would be of the frog in boiling water. If you place a frog immediately into boiling
water, its instincts will cause it to jump out because of the instant pain. However, if you place
a frog in lukewarm water and slowly increase the heat, it does not recognize the pain as a
danger signal at the same level of heat. The frog becomes desensitized as the water is
heating up slowly. The behaviors and impact of emotional blackmail can be similar.

There are six progressive steps identified in emotional blackmail:

1. A demand made from the manipulator. The manipulator will make a clear demand of
what they want, tied with a threat. You need to pay my rent or I’ll leave you. You need to
let me move in or I’ll tell your sister what you said about her.
2. Resistance from the victim. After the demand is identified, the victim may resist or feel
the need to avoid the person because they are unsure how to handle the demand. The
concerning part of this process is it is often an unsavory, unfavorable, or unreasonable
demand placed on the victim.
3. Pressure from the manipulator. Manipulators of emotional blackmail are not concerned
about pushing too hard. They will persist to get what they want no matter what it takes.
They disregard hurt feelings or fear being created. Creating fear can even be the driving
force behind the demand made. The manipulator may put pressure suggesting that the
victim is being irrational, silly, or unreasonable themselves. This part of the process can
cause the victim to begin to question their sense of reality and if they are wrong in
feeling concerned about the demand being placed upon them. They begin to lose their
healthy sense of perspective and what their gut is telling them. The manipulator may
even turn the situation around to blame the victim or question their motives if they do
not initially agree to the placed demand. Confusion is a big part of this process.
4. Threatening the victim. This is the part of the process where the manipulator is
 threatening to do or not do something to cause unhappiness, discomfort, or pain for the
victim. If you don’t do this…then I will do this… They create a situation where the victim
can be responsible for the promised negative outcome if they do not comply.
5. Victim compliance. The victim gives in, either quickly, or slow through a process of
increasing self-doubt. They comply with the demand of the manipulator, often causing
feelings of anxiety, guilt, fear, anger, or resentment.
6. The manipulator gets their way and subsides temporarily until the next demand of what
they want comes up. The frequency of these behaviors and tendencies vary in all
relationships involving emotional blackmail. Regardless of the consistency of these
behaviors, it has a negative and toxic effect on the relationship and on the victim. Now
the cycle is in place and the foundation is set for this pattern to continue.

In some situations, there may seem to be a fine line between indirect communication
and manipulation. Emotional blackmail and indirect communication can both have passive
aggressive undertones. The communication becomes manipulation and blackmail when it is
used consistently to control another individual or coerce them into doing what the requestor
demands. The victim will typically feel resistance to comply, yet does it even at the cost of
their own well-being.
There is also a distinction between setting healthy boundaries and emotional blackmail.
In setting boundaries, the individual is asserting themselves and communicating what their
needs are. Emotional blackmail involves conveying threats that will result in a punishment of
the victim does not meet the request.
Someone engaging in emotional blackmail will demonstrate any or all of the following:
 Telling you that you are crazy for questioning them
 Controlling what you do
 Ignoring your concerns and pushback
 Avoiding taking accountability
 Constantly placing blame on others for their behaviors
 Providing empty apologies
 Using fear, obligation, threats, and guilt to get their way
 Unwilling to compromise
 Seemingly unconcerned about your needs
 Rationalizing their unreasonable behaviors and requests
 Intimidate you until you do what they want
 Blame you for something that you didn’t do so that you feel you have to earn their
affection
 Accuse you of doing something you didn’t do
 Threaten to harm either you or themselves
The Victim
Victims of emotional blackmail typically feel insecure, unvalued, and unworthy. They often
struggle with low self-esteem and doubt their own needs. Victims can demonstrate the
following characteristics:
 Approval seeking, people pleasing
 Extreme compassion and empathy
 Tendency to take blame
 Tendency to feel pity for others
 Try to avoid conflict
 Peacekeeping habits
 Strong sense of responsibility and doing the “right thing”
 Fears of abandonment
 Sensitivity, inclination to personalize things Fear of anger
 Self-doubt, low self-esteem

The Impact
The stress of being in a relationship involving emotional blackmail can take a toll emotionally
and physically on the victim. It compromises the victim’s sense of integrity and self-esteem.
It causes victims to question their own sense of reality. It leads to negative and distorted
thinking about themselves and their relationship. Victims of emotional blackmail often end
up being isolated, experiencing extreme loneliness. It impacts an overall sense of well-being
and contributes to anxiety and depression.

The Blackmailer
Forward notes in the book that an important takeaway for the victim is that the
behavior of an emotional blackmailer feels like it is about you but for the most part it is not.
It often comes from deep insecurities inside of the blackmailer. Fear and anxiety can come
out as rage and blame toward the victim. These tendencies often have to do with what has
happened in the past rather than the reality of the current situation.
There is no exact prototype of emotional blackmailers, yet they can demonstrate the
following characteristics:
 Narcissistic tendencies
 Self-centered
 Intense anger
 Deep panic, fear, depression, or rage
 Fear of abandonment
 Emotionally immature
 Not in touch with feelings
 Lack of accountability
 Hate to lose

Some of these traits may be close to the surface and observable, such as anger.
However, much of the insecurities, emotional pain and fears lie deep within the
psychological makeup of the blackmailer.
The scientific research on emotional blackmail, in particular, is limited. In one public
health study, researchers explored personality correlates of emotional blackmail in
relationships (Mazur et. al).
They utilized the five-factor personality model to assess risk factors for potential victims
and individuals at risk for engaging in emotional blackmail. They discovered that neuroticism
and agreeableness were risk factors for taking on the role of the victim. The factors
protecting against the use of emotional blackmail in close relationships were agreeableness
and conscientiousness.
Neuroticism is a key risk factor for taking on the perpetrator of emotional blackmail.
Social adaptation and assertiveness can act as protective factors against being a victim of
emotional blackmail. Data was gathered to inform preventive programs developed to
support people in building healthy relationships. There is room for additional research to be
gathered and leveraged to help with prevention of emotional abuse and blackmail.

15+ Examples of Emotional Blackmail

The emotional blackmailer typically does not have any other coping or go-to methods
for how to communicate and interact in a healthy manner. They fall back to stonewalling,
slamming doors, threatening, and engaging in other damaging behaviors to get what they
want. They typically do not have the tools available to understand how to convey their
needs.
Many examples of emotional blackmail occur in romantic relationships. Any gender can
engage in emotional blackmail. However, a male-female partnership is a prototypical
example.
One scenario is if a man in a committed relationship is caught cheating on his partner.
Rather than taking ownership and apologizing for his actions, he may twist the story. He may
blame his partner for not meeting his needs or being there when he needed her, therefore,
seemingly rationalizing or justifying his behavior. This can be confusing for the victim, as she
may be inclined to question herself or start believing his claims. She may wonder if she is
good enough or if she could have done more in the relationship.
Other examples of demands and threats in emotional blackmail:
 If I ever see another man look at you I will kill him.
 If you ever stop loving me I will kill myself.
 I’ve already discussed this with our pastor/therapist/friends/family and they agree
that you are being unreasonable.
 I’m taking this vacation – with or without you.
 How can you say you love me and still be friends with them?
 You’ve ruined my life and now you are trying to stop me from spending money to
take care of myself.

Emotional blackmailers commonly attempt to make the victim feel responsible for
their (negative) actions.
 It was your fault that I was late for work.
 If you wouldn’t cook in an unhealthy way, I wouldn’t be overweight.
 I would have gotten ahead in my career if you had done more at home.

Emotional blackmail may also occur in situations where one person is an addict. They
may threaten to take the car if the victim does not pick them up from the bar.
Emotional blackmail can take place in family relationships as well. A needy mother may
attempt to give her child a guilt trip for not spending enough time with her. She may make
comments referencing what “good daughters” do.
Emotional blackmail can occur in friendships. A friend may ask for money and threaten
to end the friendship if they do not comply.
A punishing type of blackmail can occur. For example, if a couple is going through a
difficult divorce, the emotional blackmailer may threaten that if their partner files for
divorce, they will keep the money or never let them see the kids. Such behavior can leave
the victim feeling rage at the attempt of being controlled and not knowing how to properly
respond.
Another type of emotional blackmail that is even more insidious is when we use fear,
obligation, and guilt to hold ourselves hostage. We can inflict our own FOG which can control
our behavior, even if it is not coming from external sources. “If I were a good son, I would
visit my mother more frequently.”
There can be different levels of emotional blackmail, ranging from threats with little
consequence to threats that can impact major life decisions or can be dangerous.
Here are some additional brief and damaging examples of threats associated with
emotional blackmail:
 If you don’t take care of me, I’ll wind up in the hospital/on the street/unable to
work.
 You’ll never see your kids again.
 I’ll make you suffer.
 You’ll destroy this family.
 You’re not my child anymore.
 You’ll be sorry.
 I’m cutting you out of my will.
 I’ll get sick.
 I can’t make it without you.

How to Best Handle Emotional Blackmail

If you or someone you know is experiencing emotional blackmail in a relationship,
it is difficult to know where to start. In her book, Invisible Chains: Overcoming Coercive
Control in Your Intimate Relationship, Lisa Aronson Fontes provides a “Controlling
Relationship Assessment.”
Taking an assessment may be a useful way to start reflecting and identifying the
abusive behaviors that are occurring. Her book also provides ways to help:
 Recognize the controlling behaviors of all kinds.
 Understand why this destructive pattern occurs.
 Determine whether you are in danger and if your partner can change.
 Protect yourself and your kids.
 Find the support and resources you need.
 Take action to improve or end your relationship.
 Regain your freedom and independence.

In Forward’s book, there is a chapter called “It Takes Two.” She encourages
the victims of emotional blackmail to take responsibility for their behavior and
their previous compliance with the blackmail process.
The blackmail process does not work effectively without both parties actively
participating. Forward offers this perspective not as a way for victims to beat
themselves up or to place blame. Rather, she provides this point of view as an
empowering approach for victims to recognize what they can change and can
control. In the introduction, she states:

“Change is the scariest word in the English language. No one likes it, almost
everyone is terrified of it, and most people, including me, will become exquisitely
creative to avoid it. Our actions may be making us miserable, but the idea of doing
anything differently is worse. Yet if there’s one thing I know with absolute
certainty, both personally and professionally, it is this: Nothing will change in our
lives until we change our own behavior.”
In order to best handle emotional blackmail, the victim must bring a new
mindset and approach the situation in a different way. This will require gaining
insight into what is going on in the blackmail dynamics and learning to detach from
their intense emotions.
It can be useful for victims to explore what demands are making them feel
uncomfortable. In doing so, they can recognize what boundaries need to be put in
place. They must decide what is ok and not ok with them in a relationship.
Understanding the abusive impact of emotional blackmail is also important.
Appreciating how emotional abuse wears victims down can validate their
experience of feeling hopeless and lacking in confidence.
Change is scary, but doing something different is the only way to get a
different result. Otherwise, victims are at risk of letting their fears run and
potentially ruin their lives. Awareness, insight, and educating ourselves is
important, but change only comes from taking a course of different actions over a
prolonged period of time. Susan Forward asserts that we all have choices about
how to engage in a relationship:
 We can accept things as they are.
 We can negotiate for a healthier relationship.
 Or, we can end the relationship.

No relationship is worth the cost of emotional and mental wellbeing.

Victims can learn to set boundaries and may become surprised what can
happen when new limits are set. The messaging needs to become that the
behavior is no longer acceptable. While victims do not feel courageous or
confident after having been emotionally abused, they can take a different action.
Victims must take action to change the course, rather than waiting for the other
person to change.
Victims can self assess throughout the process. When you do not back down
and comply with demands attached with threats, how do you feel? Strong,
empowered, confident, hopeful, proud, excited, courageous, assertive, effective,
capable? Breaking any behavioral pattern is challenging. Develop a clear vision of
what you hope to achieve. Any change will require work, effort, and discomfort,
yet this is where growth occurs.
 The only way to know if the limit and boundary setting will work is to try it.
Forward suggests confronting the manipulator about the behaviors. What could
that sound like?
 You are pushing our relationship to the edge.
 You are not taking me seriously when I tell you how unhappy I am.
 We need to find ways to deal with conflicts that do not leave me feeling
emotionally abused, worn out, and depleted.
 I always comply – not willing to live like that anymore.
 I need to be treated with respect.
 Let’s talk about it, don’t threaten and punish me.
I’m not going to tolerate those behaviors anymore.

In her book, Forward suggests three exercises: a contract, a power statement,

and a set of self-affirming phrases.

contract
A contract lists a number of promises you would make to yourself. The
contract identifies the basic ground rules for you to follow. Take time every day to
read the contract out loud.
Example of a Contract with Myself:
I, ____________, recognize myself as an adult with options and choices, and I
commit myself to the process of actively getting emotional blackmail out of my
relationships and out of my life. In order to reach that goal, I make the following
promises:
I promise myself that I am no longer willing to let fear, obligation, and guilt
control my decisions.
I promise myself that I will learn the strategies in this book and that I will put
them into practice in my life.
I promise myself that if I regress, fail, or fall into old patterns, I will not use
slips as an excuse to stop trying. I recognize that failure is not failure if you use it as
a way to learn.
I promise to take good care of myself during this process.
I promise that I will acknowledge myself for taking positive steps, no matter
how small they are.
____________________ Signature
____________________ Date
Power Statement
Another way to deal with emotional blackmail is to create your own power
statement. Repeating a power statement can ground you when the pressure is
turned up by the manipulator. For example, “I’m not doing this.” “I won’t do this.”
This power statement is succinct and impactful. It works because it directly
counters the belief that moves us into compliance – that we can’t stand the
pressure. Short, impactful sentences like this are intended to challenge doubts and
limiting beliefs.
If you begin to think “I can’t stand it”…that you can’t stand to hurt his
feelings, hurt him, deal with your guilt or anxiety, etc. Change the mantra from “I
can’t stand it” to “it’s hard but I can do it.” This involves a subtle shift to getting
comfortable with being uncomfortable. Changing to “I can stand it” will build your
emotional strength so that you do not need to immediately back down.

Self-affirming Phrases
By backing down and giving in, you may feel: guilt, hurt, shameful,
embarrassed, anxious, angry, weak, resentful, powerless, helpless, fearful, scared,
trapped, disappointed, stuck. In order to change these emotions, it is important to
start with changing your thoughts. Develop some self-affirming thought patterns
to retrieve and repeat, especially when your negative thinking kicks in.
Consider asking yourself if a demand is making you uncomfortable. Why?
What part of the demand is ok and what is not? Is the other person threatening
me? Is the other person considering my feelings? If I comply, what is in it for me?
There are several levels of demands:
 Not a big deal, minimal impact
 Important issues including your integrity is at stake
 A major issue involving important life decisions and/or could be
damaging
Request that the blackmailer get psychological help to learn new strategies.
Blackmailers can learn skills to learn how to negotiate, communicate, and own
their own behavior. First, they must take responsibility for their action for any
change to occur. An unwillingness to own and put it on the other person is a sign
of immaturity and lack of wellbeing and health. Once blackmailers own the
behavior, they can take the next steps to learn the techniques.
If they are truly taking responsibility, they will demonstrate the courage to sit
down with the victim and have a conversation about it. In doing so, this will create
a safer environment in the relationship. Safety is the primary element of defining a
 healthy or not healthy relationship. Manipulators who take accountability and are
willing to be vulnerable show hope for learning and change.
What can that sound like in the blackmailer?
 Can you help me?
Tell me how I can express this to you in a way that doesn’t make you feel
bad.
 I am willing to get help.
 I don’t want my behaviors to make you feel so bad
 What is another way I can say this to you?
 What can I do that will help you feel safe?
 Where can I learn to better deal with conflict?
 I want to improve how I communicate with you.

How to Stop Emotional Blackmail in Relationships

In a healthy functioning relationship, while tension and disagreements
occur, people learn to work toward a resolution. Emotional blackmailers are
generally not interested in negotiating. They tend to be black and white about
their demands and unwilling to compromise.
Typically, they do not consider alternatives or other viewpoints. They
want what they demand and nothing else. Most people who have been in a
relationship with an emotional blackmailer appreciate that there is no
reasoning when someone is in this state. The behaviors are irrational and the
demands unreasonable.
How to stop emotional blackmail in relationships may start with the
victim fostering the belief that they do not deserve such treatment. Victims
have as many rights as they do. As mentioned previously, gaining insight into
their own patterns of behaviors, pleasing, and approval seeking tendencies
can help understand where to make changes. The victim may have developed
these tendencies early in life to self-sacrifice, overcompensate for others, and
put themselves last.
Practical suggestions on what actions to take during an exchange with a
blackmailer can be useful.
 Consider taking a long pause before you comply with the request.
 Take a break and think about how you are feeling about the demand.
 Create some distance from the emotion so you can make a healthy
decision based on logic, rather than the emotional default.
 Put it on your timetable. It will create off balance and it can be scary.
There will be pressure to get back into the old patterns, so there is likely
 to be discomfort.
 Forward suggests tips such as repeating a neutral statement to the
demand placed, such as “no thank you.” This stops the back and forth
and capitulation of the emotional exchange.

Don’t need to wait until you feel strong to show strength. Do it, then the
feelings will catch up. People often wait until they feel the courage, and that
time doesn’t come. Do it, then you will feel better. You can’t wait until you
feel better.
 Forward suggests additional techniques to help stop emotional
blackmail.
 Establish an SOS before responding to a demand:
 STOP – I need time to think about it.
 OBSERVE – one’s own reactions, thoughts, emotions, triggers.
STRATEGIZE- analyze the demands and the potential impact of
complying. Consider what you need and explore alternative options.

Develop “powerful non-defensive communication.” Sharon Ellison (2002) provides

helpful guidance on non-defensive communication. Suggestions are to not take the bait from
the blackmailer, yet stay on point with what your key message is. Do not allow yourself to be
derailed by their comments, demands, and behaviors. Stick with “This is who I am and what
I want.”
Blackmailers are highly defensive and their comments often escalate conflicts. Attempt
to stay away from escalating statements and stick with non-defensive communication such
as:
 I can see that you are upset.
 I understand you are frustrated.
 I’m sorry you’re angry.
 I can understand how you might see it that way.
 Let’s talk about it when you feel calmer.

It is essential to reinforce that victims cannot change their partner only their reaction.
The emotional blackmailer has a foundation in deep layers of their insecurities. The victim’s
job is to put their welfare and health first. Their energy is best utilized to change themselves
and their approach. In addition to changing the behavior patterns during these exchanges,
victims can do their own psychological healing outside the relationship.
For example, developing skills to self-regulate, build confidence, and increase
assertiveness can be beneficial. Victims can explore the following ideas:
 Learn to become a detached observer. Healthy detachment is a good coping
mechanism when dealing with conflict or highly charged emotional situations. It involves
taking a step back and becoming an observer of what is going on the current situation,
without being taken away by the emotions at hand. This will allow some self-refraction and
questioning in order to make sensible connections between your beliefs, behaviors, and
actions.
Creating some space between you and the situation can allow you to make healthier
decisions.
Forward identifies the need to let go of pleasing behaviors. People who have a
tendency to comply, may give in because they do not want the other person to be mad at
them. They need to rid themselves of the undeserved guilt, which is what occurs in
emotional blackmail.
Expand strategies to deal with your own emotional discomfort. Find ways to deal with
your fear, guilt, and sense of obligation. Embrace the discomfort of the guilt, fear, or anxiety
that can come with saying no or establishing a new boundary.
Continue to develop the thought stopping techniques in order to disconnect from fear
and obligation. Challenge your assumptions of what obligations and expectations are real
and what proof is provided for these claims.
Review what part you play in the dysfunctional cycle of emotional blackmail. In order to
be fully empowered and able to make a change, it is important to look at your own
responsibility in the situation. This is not suggesting that you are to blame for the behavior
of the other person; rather, to find areas and behaviors that you can control to help yourself
navigate through such circumstances.
Take inventory. Self-reflect on how you may justify your compliance. Here are some
examples of negative self-talk that can reinforce the pattern of giving in.
 It’s not worth it to deal with his/her anger
 His/her needs matter more than mine
 It’s no big deal to give in
 What I want isn’t important enough
 I’ll just do it to get him/her to calm down
 I would rather give in than hurt his/her feelings
 I’m afraid if I say no
Practice pausing before giving into demands in lower stakes situations. Practice saying
no even when the threats are not evident. Be firm and stand your ground on limits set. Do
not immediately give in to what the blackmailer wants, especially if you are being
threatened.
Seek professional help through counseling, therapy, coaching, or a support group to
help navigate through recovery from emotional abuse. In the end, it is critical for victims to
remember that abuse is not their fault. All people deserve to be treated with respect.

EB After a Break-Up
A break-up or relationship separation can fuel the fire for emotional blackmailers. The
potential for them to act out, even more, rises during crisis situations, especially involving a
break-up. During this time, victims could be at risk or in danger, as blackmailers can escalate
their behaviors. Since they are focused on what they want when they want it, they show
limited concern or empathy for the pain of others. They can become so absorbed in their
own rage, that they could show signs of panic in their desperation.
If emotional blackmail was used during the relationship and there is a break-up, there is
no longer a direct method for such manipulation tactics. This can cause an emotionally
unstable person to act out even more if their means for control are taken away.
Manipulator’s behaviors may increase in intensity and in a frequency. More severe threats of
self-harm and inducing guilt would be common in a breakup situation.
They also may resort to stalking or other types of unwanted behaviors in pursuit in an
attempt to reconnect the relationship. While uncommon, taken to an extreme, the ex may
show obsessive tendencies and could be at risk for bringing the violence to another level.
It is important for the victim to remember that they are not responsible for their ex’s
needs and feelings. It is important to seek protection if the victim is feeling unsafe. This may
require getting professional help to understand how to establish these healthy boundaries. It
may involve setting clear physical boundaries to ensure there is no contact with the ex-
partner.
Finding a support system can be helpful for individuals who have been in relationships
involving emotional blackmail and abuse. The focus post-break-up is best placed on victims
learning how to engage in self-care and identify their own personal needs.