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Wisdom: Funny Quotes
Wisdom: Funny Quotes
Wisdom: Funny Quotes
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Funny Quotes
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Tommy Cooper
What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?
Ursula K. LeGuin
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk
and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
Phyllis Diller
If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.
Carl Sagan
People used to explore the dimensions of reality by taking LSD to make the world look
weird.
Now the world is weird and they take Prozac to make it look normal.
Bangstrom
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Redd Foxx
Some people like my advice so much that they frame it upon the wall instead of using it.
Gordon R. Dickson
One of the lessons of history is that Nothing is often a good thing to do and always a
clever thing to say.
Will Durant
Telling the truth to people who misunderstand you is generally promoting a falsehood,
isn't it?
Anonymous
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll
become a philosopher...and that is a good thing for any man.
Socrates
My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so
long as he didn't take it out of my garden.
Eric Morecambe
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans are suffering from some
form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you."
Rita Mae Brown
I never set out to be weird. It was always the other people who called me weird.
Frank Zappa
If you don't want to work, you have to work to earn enough money so that you won't have
to work.
Ogden Nash
Isn't it strange? The same people who laugh at gypsy fortune tellers take economists
seriously.
Cincinnati Enquirer
There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the
situation.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then give up. No use being a damned fool about it.
W. C. Fields
Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.
Dale Carnegie
Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through
life trying to save.
Will Rogers
In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still
nothing but everybody could see it.
Dave Thomas
God gave us a penis and a brain, but only enough blood to run one at a time.
Robin Williams
The difference between genius and insanity is that genius has its limits.
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the
former.
Men marry women with the hope they will never change.
Women marry men with the hope they will change.
Invaribly they are both disappointed.
Albert Einstein
Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going
faster than you is a maniac.
George Carlen
Samuel Goldwyn
Philosophy consists very largely of one philosopher arguing that all other philosophers are
jackasses.
He usually proves it, and I should add that he also usually proves that he is one himself.
There is a level of cowardice lower than that of the conformist: the fashionable non-
conformist.
Ayn Rand
A human being. . . An ingenious assembly of portable plumbing.
Christopher Morley
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Sacha Guitry
Man can always be relied upon to exert, with vigour, his ... right to be stupid
Dean Koontz
A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their
prejudices.
William James
All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.
In the first place God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards.
Noise proves nothing - often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she had laid an
asteroid.
Mark Twain
We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.
Colonel Gerald Wellman
The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average
voter.
Winston Churchill
The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never
tried to contact us.
Bill Watterson
Opinions are like feet. Everybody's got a couple, and they usually stink.
Jim Slattery
To confine our attention to terrestrial matters would be to limit the human spirit.
Stephen W. Hawking
Life is like a role of toilet paper; hopefully long and useful, but it always ends at the
wrong moment.
Rudyh
Unknown
Time is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at once.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you
criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
Money will not buy happiness, but it will let you be unhappy in nice places.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat
and drink beer all day.
If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
If hunters 'own' the wild animals and presume the right to shoot them, why don't people
opposed to hunting have an equal right to say No?
Alternative Health proponents want it both ways: First they say your regular doctor doesn't
know as much as they do and conventional medicine is a failure. Then they claim their
products are 'clinically tested' and 'scientifically proven' to work.
Why is it that as soon as politicians get elected they believe our money belongs to them?
Every day, self-proclaimed stock market "experts" tell us why the market just went up or
down, as if they really knew.
So where were they yesterday?
A censor is someone who views pornography all day, but does not get corrupted even
though he is certain you would be.
^Top of Page
GROUCHO MARX
A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live
long enough.
As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife.
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
Dig trenches? With our men being killed off like flies? There isn't time to dig trenches.
We'll have to buy them ready made.
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter.
He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an
idiot.
Here's to our wives and girlfriends ... may they never meet!
How do you feel about women's rights? I like either side of them.
I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
I've been around so long, I knew Doris Day before she was a virgin.
Last night I shot an elephant in my pajamas and how he got in my pajamas I'll never know.
Now there's a man with an open mind - you can feel the breeze from here!
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
Remember men, you are fighting for the ladies honor, which is probably more than she
ever did.
Send two dozen roses to Room 424 and put 'Emily, I love you' on the back of the bill.
She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing .. if you can fake that, you've got it made.
There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says 'yes,' you know he is a
crook.
We took pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed. . . But we're going back
next week.
Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you
do!
You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?
You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I'll bet he was glad to get rid of it.