Anterola, John Nathaniel D.

10/30/19
Sir. Leo Cortez. DFFD1B

10 Factors that Affected My Self-Esteem

o My Childhood and Society

1. It affected my self-esteem because during at that stage of my life that’s where I was
most innocent. With that innocence came in the factor of “colorism”. Growing up, I
didn’t really wonder why my skin color was different I just thought it was normal
until the family relatives and meeting new people came in with the narrow mindset I
mean I can’t blame them when Filipinos are culturally brainwashed with colonial
mentality with Western and Eastern beauty standards. They would always ask me
“ano nangyari sa iyo?” “bat ang puti ng kuya mo tas ikaw maitim?” and the way they
said it was like making me feel like it was my fault my skin color is brown that I
chose it. They made me feel like I was “adopted”.

2. How I move my body was also a big issue. When you thought colorism was the only
thing I endured when I was a child boy get ready for a ride. So on top of that they
would secretly tell it to my parents “bat ganyan gumalaw anak niyo, ang lambot?”
then in return my parents would tell it to me in an angrily matter. I tried to repressed
my feminity or effeminate body movement because my parents made me feel like
moving in that way is bad . Overall my childhood experiences was negative cause at a
young age I would say I was depressed, had suicide thoughts, and anxious.

3. Gradeschool (specifically. 4th grade to 6th grade) that’s the time where I experienced
being bullied again because of the same reasons. This is the time where my eating
disorder came that I lost appetite to eat and I just wanted to sleep the pain away, to
escape reality. I drastically lost a lot of weight which I have proof in my body with all
the unforgiving stretchmarks I have.

o Media

4. With the cross abundant of commercials seen on television, radio, etc. Also showed
the idea of colorism through advertisements like gluta, skin whitening products, kojic
papaya, etc. They used mixed people who are naturally white to advertise their
product to fit the standards of the beauty industry.

o Belief Systems

5. When my religion belief system put me in a position of feeling as if I was perpetually

sinning, it can be similar to the experience of living with a disapproving authority
 figure. Whether judgment is emanating from authority figures or from an established
belief system in my life, it can evoke shame, guilt, conflict and self-loathing. Many
structured belief systems offer two paths: one that’s all good and one that’s all bad.
When I inevitably fall in the abyss between the two, I end up feeling confused,
wrong, disoriented, shameful, fake, and disappointed with myself over and over
again. With that that’s why I never pushed through with suicide because of the toxic
mentality that when you kill yourself you go to hell for it which I didn’t want, I love
what Jesus did but toxic fanclub.

o Beauty (Skin)

6. Then highschool came into the picture, in 7 th grade that’s where puberty started for
me at the age of 12 years old, I had acne which is one of the worst feelings in the
world because it made me feel ugly than I already am. I’m still insecure with my acne
I blame both of my parent’s genes (sorry but it true I got the “best of both worlds”). It
spread throughout my body that bad I had to go see the dermatologists which looking
back based on the videos and research I’ve done was probably not the best treatments
cause some doctors usually gave out expensive medicines which has like bad
ingredients for the body or skin but does the job anyways.

7. But it also helped me gain confidence when I started to clear up and not break out as
much. I could see the changes with how people looked at me and especially how my
skin looks and now I have my own routine for my skin.

o Friends

8. When I asked advices from my friends about how do I become confident or boost my
self-esteem because they used to feel like how I did and they “glow up” personality or
attitude wise because of that boost.

9. Of course it didn’t happen overnight and that at first, I didn’t fully applied the advices
that they gave me cause again had low self-esteem and wasn’t that “open” or out to
the public only to my family and close friends. Until my one friend outed me, I was
so furious because I am not that open with my sexuality that made my batchmates
shock (even though they had hunches before), then my ex-friend used my secret
against me by telling others my guy crush which spread so fast that the whole batch
was again surprised.

10. That’s when I really understood the advices that my friends gave and applied it that I
don’t care anymore about what unimportant people think of me as long as I am happy
and aren’t hurting nobody that’s good enough for me because of that most of my
friends noticed that a sudden change in my self-esteem and that I glowed up. After all
that I went through it was all worth the pain because I gained my confidence.