I am enough

The day I finally realized I was more than enough was September 2019. My

whole life there was a void from my father. Me along with my two sisters would never be

enough for him no matter how hard we tried. He left us at a young age and told us we

would never amount to anything. The day I finally realized I was more than enough was a

very important time and moment in my life.

Growing up I always wondered why my father never came to my Softball games,

Ballet recitals, Graduations, etc. I always wondered why he didn’t teach me how to ride

my bike or throw Softball with me. I always felt that I was never good enough and I

never would be. I sat and watched all my friend’s dad’s show up to all these events and

teach them these things but mine never did. I wanted to share these memories and

moments with him, but he didn’t think the same. Most of my childhood along with my

sisters he missed. I realize now how much he missed that he will never get back.

I always found myself needing my father for something. Whether it was

mechanical issues with my car to practicing Softball with me. I never could depend on

him though. I would never be a priority to him, and he always had an excuse for anything

that I asked or needed. This was one of the hardest things to wrap my head around

especially at a young age. I constantly wondered why he didn’t want us. What do I need

to do to make him change? How can I get his attention? What did we do for him to treat

us like this? My questions were never answered. I tried so hard to get his attention, but he

never saw that.

 I began believing what he said, “We would never amount to anything.” I began

thinking of why I never would come first to him. I began thinking of all the things he said

and did to us. I began wondering how he could give up on his kids. It never made since to

me until the day that I finally realized I was worth it and so much more. My sisters and

their kids were worth it. All these emotions flooded my head. Rage, Anger, Sadness,

Hurt, Pain. I began to realize all these emotions that I felt were not good emotions and

couldn’t understand how somebody could cause these emotions.

The day I realized that I was enough was such an important time and moment in

my life. I had so many emotions come over me but instead this time they were good,

positive and happy emotions. I have grown into a person I never thought I would ever

become because of his words and actions years ago. I never thought I would ever

overcome the pain and hurt that he caused me, but I have. I am in such a wonderful place

in my life and I can thank him for it. I fought hard to get to where I am at now and

nobody will ever take that away from me. I lost many battles, but I continued to get back

up and face them. I will never let anybody determine my self-worth and happiness again

like I allowed him too.

I have accomplished many things without him. I have a wonderful man who loves

me unconditionally, I have friends and family that think the world of me, and I have

created my career for myself. I continue to push forward each day and will never lose

myself in hurtful words and actions from him or others. This is such an important

moment for me and always will be. I can now look back and thank him for never showing

up or caring because he allowed me to see the person that I am. He showed me what I

never want in a man or my child’s father. He showed me how big of a coward he is and
was. I will always thank him for making me be a strong independent woman who can

stand on her own.

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