Codependents Anonymous Workshop

Article #1
Sunday, January 12, 2020

Why It’s So Hard to End a Codependent Relationship

Codependency is a hard pattern to break. Even when you’re aware of it, it’s not uncommon to repeat the
same type of codependent relationships, behaviors, and thoughts. This is in part because codependency is
learned in childhood – so it’s well-practiced and feels natural. But there are other factors as well, and in this
article, I’ll discuss some of the other reasons that it’s hard to break free from codependency.

You’re dependent on others to make you feel worthwhile

At the core of codependency, there is an emotional dependence on others to validate your self-worth. In
other words, codependents lack self-esteem and need other people to tell them or show them that they are
lovable, important, acceptable, wanted, and so forth.

This emotional dependency makes it difficult for codependents to be alone. So, we will continue in
dysfunctional relationships because being alone makes us feel worthless, rejected, criticized (many of the
painful feelings/experiences we’ve had in the past).

Codependent relationships can have an obsessive quality

Codependents tend to be very tuned in to other people’s feelings, needs, and problems. For most
codependents this crosses the line from healthy caretaking and nurturing to unhealthy enabling, controlling,
and trying to fix or save others. You may neglect your own needs, interests, other relationships, or goals
because you’re so focused on someone else. You may lose sleep or spend inordinate amounts of time
worrying about them, researching solutions to their problems, wondering where they are or what they’re
doing, and arranging your life so as not to upset them. Your life ends up revolving around someone else –
making it tough to disentangle yourself and focus on what you want and need.

You don’t realize how dysfunctional your relationship is

Love (or infatuation or dependency) can cloud our perception, making it hard for us to accurately see
ourselves and our relationships. The relationships we observed and experienced in childhood also shape our
perceptions of what’s normal or acceptable in our relationships. So, if you grew up in an enmeshed family
with poor boundaries or with parents who argued non-stop, those dynamics may feel familiar to you. And
even if you know that they are unhealthy, part of you may unconsciously repeat them because they’re familiar.
The relationship isn’t bad all the time
Most codependent relationships aren’t terrible all the time. There may be times when you’re happy, things are
peaceful, and you feel hopeful. Your partner may promise to change or even do so for a while. This is
confusing and makes it hard to know whether a relationship can be saved.

How bad does it need to get before you should leave? That’s a hard question to answer. Sometimes it’s
helpful to ask yourself if you’d be okay with your child or best friend having this exact relationship.

Your partner is also codependent

We call it co-dependency because both people in the relationship are emotionally dependent. This means your
partner* may also have a hard time letting go. S/he may try to push boundaries after you’ve set them or
continue to pursue you after you’ve broken up. This can be both upsetting/scary and flattering.
Codependents have a strong need to feel needed and wanted, so we easily fall for manipulation disguised as
flattery, desperation, and pleading.

Helping and self-sacrificing are socially acceptable

While some people in your life may be critical of your codependent relationships, others may actually
encourage them. Women, in particular, are encouraged to be caretakers and to put their own needs last. You
may have heard comments such as You can’t leave him now. He needs you. Or Marriage is for better or worse. It’s your
duty to help him get better. Or perhaps, you’ve thought something similar and convinced yourself that you can
and should “help” someone at any cost. This kind of codependent thinking is both extremely unrealistic and
destructive. It perpetuates feelings of guilt and shame that will keep you stuck in relationships with
emotionally immature and/or abusive people.

Shame
Shame, the belief that there is something fundamentally wrong with you, and guilt, the belief that you’ve done
something wrong, also keep codependents from ending dysfunctional relationships and forming healthy ones.
Many codependents grew up in families where outward appearances were extremely important. Family
problems had to be kept secret, so it appeared the family was well functioning, respectable, successful, etc.
Even within the family, there is often a code of silence, a denial of just how bad things have gotten. You may
find that you’re repeating these patterns in adulthood. It’s difficult to admit to your friends that you’re being
abused, or your spouse got another DUI or you drained your bank account to bail him out of jail again.

This is how shame keeps us isolated. It convinces us that we caused these problems, that we deserve them,
and that our inability to solve them is proof of our inadequacy. In order to free yourself from codependency,
you have to heal your shame and stop listening to its faulty beliefs. You didn’t cause your husband to hit you
 just like you didn’t cause your mother’s alcoholism. These are convenient excuses that others want you to
believe so you’ll continue to feel responsible for fixing their problems.

Shame is tough to overcome. It takes a lot of courage to admit that you’re struggling. But a good therapist can
help you sort out what you’re responsible for and what you’re not.

Ending codependency
As you recognize the factors that make changing your codependent thoughts and behaviors difficult, you can
create a roadmap for recovery – a list of areas that you can work on. It might include some of the following:

§ Moving from emotional dependency to emotional independence (being able to love and validate
yourself, recognizing your feelings and needs as separate from others’, attending to your needs, pursuing your
goals and interests)

§ Effectively managing your anxiety

§ Focusing on your own needs and practicing self-care without guilt

§ Learning more about healthy relationships and personal rights

§ Setting boundaries, using assertive communication and healthy conflict resolution skills

§ Building your self-esteem

§ Challenging the notion that it’s your job to help or save everyone

§ Healing shame and feelings of unworthiness

How to change codependent thoughts and behaviors

Change is a process. No one can make all of the changes listed above in a short time. And no one does it
alone. We need to learn from each other and support each other. The resources below can help you get
started.

§ Sign-up here for my weekly emails and access to my Resource Library which includes reading lists,
articles, worksheets, and free weekly resources by email.
§ Try Al-Anon, Codependents Anonymous, or Adult Children 12-step meetings. Meetings are available
online and in-person. They also have literature and resources on their websites.

§ Find a therapist who is knowledgeable about codependency, developmental trauma, or shame. And go
consistently.
§ Look for other free resources such as podcasts, support groups, Instagram accounts to follow, etc. (If
you have a favorite resource to share, please mention it in the comments.)

§ Set realistic expectations for healing and change and be kind to yourself.