Rating Qualities

8
Applicable

Working with Difficult People

Muriel Solomon | Copyright © 2002 by Muriel Solomon. Used by
arrangement with Prentice Hall Press, a division of Penguin Group (USA), Inc.

What is it about the human race? To paraphrase Los Angeles Dodgers manager Tommy LaSorda,
80% of people don’t want to hear about your problems, and the other 20% are happy you’re
having trouble. Those 20%, that is the backstabbers, saboteurs, sadists, know-it-alls, insulters and
hotheads, are the subject of Muriel Solomon’s street-smart book. In it, the self-dubbed “strategic
talking” expert categorizes many types of difficult people you might encounter at work. To make
the book very applicable, she introduces each personality, explains why such individuals think as
they do, how you are likely to react to their behavior, and what strategies you can use to protect
yourself. Unless you work alone, getAbstract expects that you, like most team players, probably
have your hands full dealing with a complete chorus of “false hounds” and “rascally knaves.” This
book can help you minimize their damage. Since you can’t always get away from such people, you
might as well learn how to put them in their place diplomatically. Or, if that doesn’t work, you can
quote Shakespeare: “I do desire we may be better strangers.” Forsooth.

Take-Aways
• Adopt the right perspective about difficult people. Realize that their actions aren’t personal. In
fact, with them, nothing is personal.
• If people attack you, put your hurt feelings aside. Plan a constructive response.
• Don’t expect contentious people to change – they never will. On the plus side, this makes them
predictable.
• Let people know that their actions or negative attitudes hurt you. They may have upset you
unintentionally.
• Ask for feedback on how the boss and others in your organization feel about you. Use open-
ended questions to elicit the most meaningful responses.
• Never make the problems between you and someone else into a personal matter. Frame
disputes in the context of procedures, policies and goals.

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 • Be direct and discrete regarding all personal disagreements at work.
• To avoid misunderstandings and future backsliding, get everything in writing.
• Be calm and professional when contending with others. Insist on respectful treatment.
• Never respond with rudeness or incivility when people transgress against you. If you do, they
win.

Summary

In a Personal Spat, Avoid Tit-for-Tat

When someone at work transgresses against you, reacting with hurt and anger is only natural.
However, these emotions will keep you from thinking clearly, which is what you most need to do
when attacked. How should you respond when someone insults or browbeats you? Keep the high
ground. Do not respond in kind. You always lose when you get down in the mud with an aggressor.
Instead, stay calm. Count to 10. Gather your wits. Then plan a strategic response that will let you
mitigate the situation and protect yourself against future attacks.

“No matter how bright you are, being angry, hurt or disappointed blocks your good
judgment.”

Read the following roster to identify some of the many contentious personality types you may
bump up against at work and to gain some ideas on how to deal with them so they can’t do you any
lasting harm.

Hostile People

Angry people are burdened with numerous personal problems. This makes them depressed and
constantly steamed. They cannot feel good unless they make you angry as well. Count on them
to look hard for your weak point and to attack you there. Someone with a belligerent personality
makes a very problematic supervisor. The best way to deal with an angry boss is to avoid losing
your temper. Speak up for yourself. Don’t be afraid; you can defend yourself without seeming
insubordinate. Demonstrating weakness to a bullying boss is like tossing red meat into a shark
tank. Look the boss in the eye and inform him or her that you expect to be treated with respect.
Use self-confidence and a friendly manner to deflect and defuse your boss’s anger. Always
maintain your self-esteem.

“What do people with personal problems do when they go to work? They pack up their
troubles in an old attaché case and growl, growl, growl.”

Don’t let angry colleagues push your buttons. Maintain a professional attitude even if they don’t.
Angry people love to argue. Don’t fall into their trap. Stay cool, calm and collected. They are not
arguing to prove their points, but to rattle you. Try to find out what set off a tantrum, but wait

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 until it blows over. Calmly discuss any problems. Demonstrate through your attitudes and actions
that you want the employee to feel less frustrated at work. Some angry subordinates stifle their
feelings but surreptitiously try to screw things up. To head off trouble, make sure angry workers
are respected and included. They are less likely to trash the team if they feel ownership.

Pushy People

People who are pushy want to be liked, but because they insist on getting their way, they’re
caught in a trap. People avoid them, so they feel more isolated and push harder. Never take things
personally with arrogant people. They are this way with everyone. If your boss is pushy, try to
maneuver so he or she feels that your good ideas are his or her good ideas. Arrogant colleagues
want to jam their ideas down your throat. Don’t let them. Show that you are not a doormat. This
is just as important regarding your supervisors as it is regarding the people who work for you.
Don’t let pushy subordinates bend the rules. Such people will try to get others to join in to subvert
your authority. Head this off by being solicitous toward all of your direct reports. Be open and
accessible. If you notice a potentially subversive clique forming, reassign some of the members to
other teams, or change their lunch and break times. That will make it harder for them to connive
with each other. Arrogant workers can be particularly hard on their co-workers. Let bullies know
that you will stand up for the employees whom they push around.

Deceitful People

You never know what liars are trying to pull. They will cheat, distort facts and try to dupe you at
every turn. Hypocritical people are always two-faced. They act positively toward you when you’re
around, but try to sell you down the river when you’re not. Your goal is to get straightforward
input in all of your dealings with dishonest people. Question them so they must provide direct
answers. Do you have a deceitful boss? If so, ask him or her to put any important work orders or
concerns in writing or to announce them in public. That makes it difficult for the boss to wiggle
out of a commitment. If the boss backpedals on a promise, speak directly to him or her in a
calm, professional manner to make it clear that you expect promises to be honored. Deceitful
colleagues will try to appropriate your good ideas, steal the credit and profit from your mistakes.
Confrontation with such liars always backfires. To avoid problems, protect your valuable ideas;
don’t share them with people who will try to take them. Never let backstabbers get away with
sneaky efforts to make you look bad. Confront them directly. That’s the only way they will behave.

Shrewd People

Manipulative individuals are seldom forthright and above-board. They do their best to exploit you.
Watch for body language signals that help you understand this kind of individual. Is your boss
a whip-cracking, exploitative person who will pile on as much work as possible? If so, insist on
getting all your assignments prioritized in writing. Manipulative colleagues will do their best to
shunt their responsibilities to you and to make you feel guilty for saying no. See their game clearly.

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 Learn to say no to manipulators. Many people find it difficult to deny others, so this may take
some practice beforehand. Try saying no in front of a mirror at home. Record yourself to see how
you sound. If you come across as squeaky and timid, practice some more. Watch out for colleagues
who want to con you. They may try to get you to reveal competitive secrets or to support some
questionable work initiative. Do not get caught in that web. When someone attempts to put you on
the spot, ask hard-hitting questions to learn what your slick colleague is trying to pull. He or she
will quickly move on to someone else.

Rude People

Some people seem to go out of their way to be rude. No one else matters to them. They will walk
all over you if you let them. They might ridicule and criticize you about your work, talk down to
you or openly insult you. When you deal with discourteous people, never sink to their level. Carry
yourself as a person worthy of respect.

“Learn to stand up for yourself and express your anger in a positive way.”

If a boss is being rude or mocking, schedule a meeting to ask exactly what he or she hopes to have
you do. Explain that displaying such disrespect in the workplace is extremely inappropriate –
and ask the boss to stop. If a colleague is hurling insults, find out why. Make it clear that you will
not accept insults. Establish clear boundaries defining acceptable behavior. If a subordinate is
openly defiant, have a conversation. Get everything out on the table. If you are at fault, apologize
and discontinue the provocative behavior. If not, explain in a calm, professional manner that
any further inappropriate insubordination will have negative consequences, up to and including
dismissal.

Egotistical People

Some people are convinced they are much better and more important than others. When dealing
with such individuals, your natural tendency will be to expose their self-centeredness to everyone.
This is a wasted effort. They will never change and you will make them your enemies. Egotistical
bosses may ignore or discount your good ideas. They may brush you off if you approach them for
assistance. Many conceited people are grandstanders and show-offs. They act superior and snub
other people. Since egotists are self-contained universes, they can damage you only if you let them.
If you have a healthy sense of self-worth, their snobbery and nose-in-the-air attitudes will come
across as what they are – silly and sad.

“Put problem people in proper perspective.”

Know-it-all colleagues or subordinates can be particularly aggravating. They often do have useful
knowledge, so ask them about their information. Use penetrating questions that demand specific,
quantifiable answers. Check what they say with your own independent research. However, do not

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 challenge them in a direct or confrontational style. Instead, offer your own data in an objective,
detached manner.

Procrastinating People

People who put things off have self-esteem issues. Since they doubt themselves and fear making
mistakes, they are reluctant to move ahead. They claim they do not have time to do more, but in
truth they are frustrated and fearful that they can’t handle new tasks or might fail. Bosses who
always put things off can drive their direct reports crazy.

“Don’t expect difficult people to change.”

The best way to handle them is to back off and quit pushing. Ask for a meeting only when you
are confident that the boss is ready to discuss why he or she is being a bottleneck on your project,
whether deliberately or not. Help your boss feel comfortable enough with you to speak openly. Ask
nonthreatening questions in an indirect way. Pay close attention to the boss’s demeanor and body
language; discern what he or she isn't saying by reading the boss's gestures, facial expressions and
tone.

“Refuse to be used.”

You also might have trouble with perfectionist colleagues and subordinates who delay projects
because nothing is ever good enough. Explain that the “perfect is the enemy of the good.”
Dawdlers are great fence-sitters and time-wasters. Help them become better organized. Establish
firm deadlines with such slowpokes and do not waver. Use performance-based incentive
programs. Teach your employees how to break a project down into manageable parts.

Rigid People

Many bosses have a “my way or the highway” attitude and are unwilling to follow anyone else’s
suggestions. They become so controlling and immersed in minor details that they lose sight of
the big picture. You cannot tell them anything, because they will not hear you. If you speak up,
they immediately go on the defensive and later they hold grudges about your insubordination. To
persuade rigid bosses, provide authoritative information that they can trust. Try to understand
how your boss, with his or her additional responsibilities and concerns, views things. Offer
proposals with this viewpoint in mind. Pigheaded bosses are often determined to keep things on
track even if the path leads straight off a cliff. With this type of boss, learn how to avoid being the
recipient of direct instructions, but try not to seem insubordinate. Focus your efforts on solving
problems that confront your boss. If your boss will not budge on a matter that you question,
strictly adhere to his or her direct instructions, but get them in writing. Document all your work to
protect yourself. Keep your fingers crossed: Sooner or later the corporate meat grinder may turn
your pigheaded boss into sausage.

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 Tight-Lipped People

Getting along with people who never speak is simply difficult. You have no idea how they feel.
Maybe they’re taciturn because they’re contemplative and spend a great deal of time thinking
before speaking. Or maybe they clam up because they’re afraid of saying the wrong thing.
Warming up an uncommunicative iceberg boss is a tough chore. Try to establish trust. Show your
boss that you are dependable and friendly. If your boss refuses to face things, try to find some
way to get him or her to commit. Evaders dread confrontations, so explain your proposal or plan
calmly, collegially and carefully. If the boss has no clear objections, proceed – but only little by
little. You might call this the fait-accompli approach. Some subordinates are not only tight-lipped;
they also have a habit of glaring at you like you stole something from them. Get such a person to
dial down their hostile feelings by providing an opportunity for him or her to open up and tell you
what is wrong.

Critical People

No matter what you do, you can’t please some people. Bake them a cake and they’ll be mad that
you didn’t bring ice cream. Such individuals criticize other people all day long. They are always
right; everyone else is always wrong. Critical bosses are inveterate faultfinders and nitpickers.
Your best strategy is to stay out of the way. If this is impossible (and it usually is), never criticize
your boss directly. He or she will pink-slip you in a minute. When the boss criticizes you, try to
defuse the situation quickly by saying thanks for the “helpful input.” Always pay close attention to
the instructions and guidance that a critical boss provides. Fail to do so and you’re a dead duck.
Is your boss a “hanging judge,” that is, someone who is always ready to assume the worst about
you without the facts? If so, put away your hurt feelings. They are meaningless to such a person.
Demonstrate by your demeanor that you’re confident the boss’s attitude will change once all
the information is available. Show that you remain on the boss’s side despite his or her (unjust)
suspicions or accusations against you. Whatever you do, don’t attempt to bring things to a head.
Leave your boss the psychological space to get back on your side once he or she cools down.

About the Author

Muriel Solomon writes books on conflict, cooperation and related business issues. Solomon
lectures often about her “strategic talking” approach to help people get the results they want at
work.

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