ABOUT THIS WORKBOOK

Welcome to the Learn DBT Workbook!

This workbook is a simple reference guide that you can use to practice DBT skills
in your everyday life. This workbook is not meant as a replacement to DBT
therapy and is intended as companion guide to be used alongside DBT therapy, or
a DBT group.

ABOUT MENTALLY FIT

Mentally Fit is a company started by Dan Pierce & Bianca Bee.

We build communities that connect people in mental health & wellness. We have
communities for people seeking self-improvement, families and therapists. In
addition to our online groups, we host in person events where members can
connect! We hope to meet you at one of them soon.

Please pass your copy along and feel free to make as many copies as you'd like.
This book is meant to be copied and shared with anyone who needs it.

We're glad to be with you on your journey and look forward to connecting with
you soon.

Dan & Bianca

Founders at Mentally Fit
https://joinmentallyfit.com

P.S. Check out the last page for more resources like this!
The Outline
Learn DBT The Workbook

Beginner's Mind .................................................................................................. 3

Mindfulness Defined ........................................................................................... 4

The Wise Mind .................................................................................................... 5

The "What" Skills of Mindfulness ....................................................................... 6

The "How" Skills of Mindfulness ........................................................................ 7

Overcome Negative Thoughts ............................................................................. 9

Cognitive Distortions .......................................................................................... 12

Walking The Middle Path ................................................................................... 14

Dialectics ............................................................................................................. 14

Radical Acceptance: Acceptance Equations, Turning ........................................ 17

Willingness vs. Willfulness ................................................................................. 19

Interpersonal Effectiveness: Balancing Meeting Objectives, Building Relationships

and Maintaining Self-Respect ..............................................................................20

What is VALIDATION? ..................................................................................... 26

Emotion Regulation: Check The Facts, Problem Solve, and Opposite Action.... 28

Notes .................................................................................................................... 33

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Beginner's Mind
(Shoshin)

"In the beginner's mind there are many possibilities, but in the expert's there are
few." -- Zen Master Shunryo Suzuki

The definition of Beginner's Mind in Zen Buddhism refers to having an attitude of

openness, eagerness, and a lack of preconceptions when studying a subject, even
when studying at an advanced level, just as a beginner in that subject would.

We want you to approach mindfulness and DBT skills as if it is the first time
you've heard any of these ideas. Be a sponge and soak in everything from a fresh
perspective. Let go of the belief, I already know this, and replace it with humility
and presence.

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Mindfulness Defined

What Is Mindfulness?

● Bringing awareness to a present moment

● Without judging or rejecting the moment
● Without attachment to the moment

What Is Mindfulness Practice?

Mindfulness and mindfulness skills

Practiced any time, anywhere, doing anything (cooking, walking, reading...etc.)

Meditation
Practiced for a set time with a specific focus (breathing, counting,
visualizations...etc.)

Contemplative prayer
Spiritual mindfulness practice (chanting, rosaries...etc.)

Mindful movement
Yoga, walking, etc.

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The Wise Mind

Reasonable Mind - Cool, Logical, Rational, Unemotional

When I am in Reasonable Mind, I am: ____________________________

____________________________________________________________

Emotional Mind – Hot, Sensitive, Reactive, Impulsive

When I am in Emotional Mind, I am: ______________________________

____________________________________________________________

Wise Mind – Balanced, Calm, considers both sides

When I am in Wise Mind, I am: ___________________________________

_____________________________________________________________

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'What' Skills of Mindfulness

1. OBSERVE
● Notice your thoughts and feelings in the moment
● Bring awareness to your senses in the present
● Allow your observations to come and go like clouds in the sky

2. DESCRIBE
● Put words to your observations
● Label the thought or feeling (ex: I'm noticing I feel scared right now)
● Remember: A thought is just a thought! A feeling is just a feeling!

3. PARTICIPATE
● Step in to the present moment
● Get involved and do just what is needed
● Say YES to right now wholeheartedly

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 'How' Skills of Mindfulness

1. ONE-MINDFULLY
● Doing one thing at a time, in the moment
● Not multitasking
● Let go of other thoughts or distractions
● When you are walking, walk. When you are texting, text. When you are
worrying, worry.

2. EFFECTIVELY
● Do what works in any given situation
● Let go of what you think should be and do what's needed for right now
● Focus on the present task at hand

3. NON-JUDGMENTALLY
● Let go of beliefs about 'right or wrong' and 'good or bad'
● Stay neutral in your interpretations
● When you notice a judgment, keep it movin'!

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Ideas for practicing Mindfulness
'What' and 'How' Skills

Practice Observing:
● Take one bite of food in your mouth and pause to notice the sensations
(temperature, texture, flavor, sound, .etc.)
● Sit quietly in a park and observe the sounds around you.
.
Practice Describing:
● Sit on a park bench and describe one thing about each person who walks by.
● Describe your feelings after someone else does or says something.

Practice Participating:
● Sing along to the music you're listening to.
● Play a sport and throw yourself into playing.

Practice being Nonjudgmental:

● Write out a nonjudgmental description of an event that prompted a strong
feeling or reaction.
● Look at a tabloid magazine and only describe the 'facts' of what you're
seeing/reading.

Practice being One-Mindful:

● Take a shower and only focus on the shower. When your mind wanders to
the day ahead or the past, return to the experience in the shower.
● Prepare a cup of tea and focus on each step one at a time. Use your full
awareness to experience the task. Use your breath to maintain your focus.

Practice being Effective:

● Notice resistance to what is needed in a moment. Willingly do what is
needed.
● Be aware of moments when you are trying to be 'right' and choose to be
happy instead.

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Overcome Negative Thoughts
5 Steps to overcome negative thinking

Sometimes, your mind can become your own worst enemy. Like a bully, it can
overwhelm you with statements about how 'not enough' you are. Not smart enough,
attractive enough, hard-working enough...(fill in the blank) enough.

No matter what you've accomplished or how much you're told otherwise, those
thoughts will come in and make you believe the opposite. And, they are seemingly
ever present. Even when you think they're gone for good, 'I'm beautiful just the
way! am' or 'I deserve that promotion I've been working towards for months',
they'll appear out of nowhere the next day or hour or minute and make you second
guess yourself.

There are five steps to making those harsh, critical voices way less loud and
powerful. It won't be easy and requires regular practice but in time, these steps can
help you overcome negative thoughts.

Step 1: Notice your Judgments

The first step is to catch yourself in the act. It begins with awareness. You may be
so comfortable with your negative thinking pattern that you don't even know when
it's happening! I want you to notice when those voices start to take over.
Sometimes, it's easier to identify when we're judging others more than ourselves.
That's okay. We can start there.

Notice when you're getting critical of yourself or another person. You'll notice that
you're using words like 'should/shouldn't', 'right/wrong, 'always/never', 'fair/unfair"
and 'not enough’. Hearing that voice is a sure sign that you're in judgment land.

Step 2: Change Your Language

Now that we've identified some common judgmental words and phrases, let’s
discuss the word “should”.

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What's a kinder way of saying, 'I should have gone to the gym this week. I'm so
lazy?’ How about, 'I might feel better now if I had gone to the gym this week; I’m
going to make it a priority for next week’. It's the same sentiment without the harsh
gut-punch of being a complete and total failure. Should-ing all over yourself is not
actually going to motivate you to go to the gym. Instead, recognize that you didn’t
make it to the gym, and make a plan to go next time.

Step 3: Stick To The Facts

Okay, now, what's the difference between the statements, 'I am ugly’ and 'I feel
ugly’? The difference between those two statements is that one is presented as a
fact and the other is a feeling. But, can 'I am ugly’ actually be proven as a fact? No,
because ‘I am ugly’ cannot be verified objectively by anyone. Therefore, it is an
opinion.

Now, 'I feel ugly’ is another story. It's okay to feel ugly or lame sometimes because
feelings are temporary. Feelings are easier to let go than fact statements; and the
more you practice watching them come and go, the less they'll hang around. So
remember, stick to the actual facts when you're evaluating yourself and others.

Step 4: Validate Yourself

Self-validation can be challenging. A lot of us are afraid to validate our own
feelings because we don't want to fool ourselves or let ourselves off easy. We want
to hold ourselves accountable, right? However, acknowledging your feelings and
accepting your internal experience is an important act of self-love. Beating
yourself up for having feelings will only intensify them. It’s okay to let your
feelings be valid and remind yourself that they won’t last forever.

'Of course you feel stupid for locking yourself out. It's okay. Lots of people have
done it.' Notice the feeling, and let it go.

Step 5: Don't Judge your Judging

Once you become more mindful and aware of your judgments, you will notice that
they actually come up quite a bit. You might pause in the middle of your
judgmental thought and think something like: ‘what’s wrong with you, stop being

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so judgmental!’ Then, you start judging your judging and his can be a vicious
cycle.

Once you start noticing the judgments, let them go just as quickly as they came;
and practice steps two, three and four over and over and over again.

Negative thoughts may not ever disappear for good. We all have our triggers and
sensitivities. Our goal is to overcome those negative thoughts and give it less
power over our lives. Some days it will be easier to practice than others and that’s
okay. Just keep practicing.

TIP: “Being aware of our thoughts is more than half the battle! What we're aware
of, we can change. When I first started to work on overcoming negative thoughts,
my therapist suggested wearing a rubber band around my wrist and snapping it
every time I noticed myself using the word "SHOULD". This practice helped me
be more mindful of when I was judging myself (or as she put it, "shoulding all over
the place"). I still use this method all the time. I challenge you to try it!”

Your friend in Mental Fitness,

Dan Pierce
Founder at Mentally Fit

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Cognitive Distortions

1. ALL-OR-NOTHING, BLACK-AND-WHITE THINKING: If you're not

perfect, you're a total loser. If you don't get everything you want, it feels like you
got nothing. If you're having a good day, the whole rest of your life is perfect and
you don't need therapy anymore

2. CATASTROPHIZING (FORTUNE-TELLING ERROR): You predict the

future negatively without considering other, more likely outcomes. "If I tell her
that, she'll hate me forever."

3. MIND READING: You believe you know what other people are thinking even
without asking. "He clearly doesn't think I will do a good job.”

4. OVERGENERALIZING: You make a sweeping, negative conclusion that

goes far beyond the current situation. "Since I felt uncomfortable in my first day of
group, I know
that I won't be able to enjoy the rest of the sessions."

5. MENTAL FILTER: You develop selective hearing and vision and only hear
and see the one negative thing and ignore the many positive things. “Because my
supervisor gave me one low rating on my evaluation (that also had many higher
ratings), it means I'm doing a terrible job."

6. DISQUALIFYING THE POSITIVE: You tell yourself that the positive

experiences, actions, or qualities do not count. "I did well in that one basketball
game because I just got lucky."

7. EMOTIONAL REASONING: You start thinking your emotions are fact. "I
feel, therefore, it is. "I feel stupid; therefore I am stupid."

8. "SHOULD" STATEMENTS: You "should" on yourself or someone else by

having a fixed idea of how you or others should behave, and you overestimate how

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bad it will be if these expectations are not met. "It's terrible that I made a mistake; I
should always do my best." "You shouldn't be so upset."

9. LABELING: Overgeneralization is taken a step further by the use of extreme

language to describe things. "I spilled my milk. I am SUCH A LOSER!" "My
therapist didn't call me right back; she is the most uncaring, heartless therapist
ever!"

10. PERSONALIZING: You see yourself as the cause for things you have
absolutely no control over or the target of stuff that may have absolutely nothing to
do with you. "My parents divorced because of me." "The receptionist was short
with me because I did something wrong."

Adapted from Miller, A. L., Rathus, ). H., & Linehan, M.M. (2007). Dialectical behavior therapy
with suicidal adolescents. New
York

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Dialectics and Walking The Middle Path
The easiest to remember the meaning of being Dialectical and Walking The
Middle Path is the statement 'YES, AND.'

Why are dialectics important?

Dialectics remind us that:

● There is always more than one way to see a situation
● Two things that seem opposite can both be true
● We can let go of extremes and consider a middle path

Ways to practice being dialectical:

● Ask Wise Mind 'What Am I Missing?'

● Can I see another side to this situation and validate it?
● Change "either-or" to "both-and," "always" or "never" to "sometimes."
● Treat others as you want them to treat you.
● Look for similarities among people instead of differences.
● Embrace Change. Throw yourself into change: Allow it. Embrace it.
● Make small changes by practicing (e.g., purposely change where you sit,
who you talk with, what route you take when going to a familiar place).
● Practice letting go of blame by looking for how your own and others'
behaviors are caused by many interactions over time.

From DBT Skills Training handouts and Worksheets, Second Edition, by Marsha M. Linehan.
Copyright 2015 by Marsha M. Linehan.

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Dialectics and Walking The Middle Path
Important Opposites to Balance

1. Accepting reality AND working to change it.

2. Validating yourself and others AND acknowledging errors.

3. Working AND resting.

4. Doing things you need to do AND doing things you want to do.

5. Working on improving yourself AND accepting yourself exactly as you are.

6. Problem solving AND problem acceptance.

7. Emotion regulation AND emotion acceptance.

8. Mastering something on your own AND asking for help.

9. Independence AND dependence.

10. Openness AND privacy.

11. Trust AND suspicion.

12. Watching and observing AND participating.

13. Taking from others AND giving to others.

14. Focusing on yourself AND focusing on others.

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Middle Path exercise:

Choose one of the 'opposites' above. Describe very specifically what you are doing
too much of and then describe what you are doing too little of. (For example: #13 -
1 am calling my friends for support/advice too much. I am not as available to them
during difficult times.)

1. Too much: ______________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________

Too little: _________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________

2. Check the facts and avoid judgments!

3. Do less: ________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________

Do more: _________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________

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Radical Acceptance

Acceptance Equations

Life = Pain is inevitable

Suffering is OPTIONAL.

Suffering = Inevitable Pain of life + the avoidance of pain

When we try to escape or avoid pain, we are only exacerbating the discomfort.
Nothing about the issue is changing and we end up feeling miserable.

Avoidance and Misery Behaviors: _________________________________

_____________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________

Radical Acceptance Definition

Accepting something entirely

Non-Acceptance = Suffering

Acceptance = Change

Myths that get in the way of Accepting Reality:

If I accept this, it means I don't care or I'm okay with it.

If I accept this, it will never change.
If I accept this, I am a weak person.
Acceptance is NOT approval, love, passivity or against change.

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Radical Acceptance
Turning The Mind

● Turning your mind TOWARDS acceptance

● Making the inner commitment to accept reality as it is
● Imagine a fork in the road and choosing the Reality Acceptance path every
time
● We make this choice over and over and over again

Ways to practice Accepting Reality:

● Saying the statement 'Everything is as it should be.'

● Willing Hands - Open the palms of your hands upwards to accept what is
coming to you. Let your hands rest (palms up) by your side, in your lap or
out in front of you.
● Buddha Half Smile - Let the corners of your mouth raise slightly to create a
very slight smile. Indicating to your brain that you can tolerate the moment.

Ask yourself this question:

What am I not accepting? ________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________

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Willingness Vs. Willfulness

WILLING WILLFUL
Doing only what is needed in each situation A "glued" position, standing still and refusing
to try what works

Palms open, ready, accepting of any given Giving up and not trying
situation

Trying something new, trying something Sticking with old ineffective ways of doing
different things

Listening very carefully to your wise mind; Closing your ears, sitting on your hands, not
acting from your best self listening

Allowing into awareness your connection to Ignoring the wise mind and refusing to
the universe tolerate the moment

WHEN I AM WILLING I: __________________________________________

________________________________________________________________

WHEN I AM WILLFUL I: __________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________

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Interpersonal Effectiveness
Doing what WORKS and what is NEEDED in order to reach goals and meet
objectives with others.

Five Rules for Effectiveness

1. Know your objective - Know what you want and what your objective is.

2. Be realistic - Make sure your goal is attainable and fair.

3. Play by the rules - Be savvy and political even if the situation is not the way
you think it should be.

4. Respect and accept where you're at - If your emotions or resentments are

building, know when to walk away.

5. It's easy when it's hard and it's hard when it's easy - Certain situations may
seem easy to address, but those are often the most difficult.

Effectiveness Myths:

Example:
I am not good enough.
Challenge: I am good enough.

1. I must be really inadequate if I can't fix this myself.

Challenge:

2. Obviously, the problem is just in my head. If I would just think differently, I

wouldn't have to bother everybody else.

Challenge:

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3. I don't deserve to get what I want or need.

Challenge:

4. I shouldn't have to ask (say no); they should know what I want (and do it).

Challenge:

5. They should have known that their behavior would hurt my feelings; I shouldn't
have to tell them.

Challenge:

6. Other people should be willing to do more for my needs.

Challenge:

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INTERPERSONAL EFFECTIVENESS
Skills for meeting objectives, maintaining relationships and building self-
respect

DEAR MAN
We use DEAR MAN with a clear objective: asking for something, asserting
yourself or saying 'no' to a request.

Describe: Describe the situation. Stick to the facts.

Express: Express your feelings using "\" statements ("I feel...," " would like ...").
Stay away from "you should ...".

Assert: Ask for what you want or say "no" clearly. Remember, the other person
cannot read your mind.

Reinforce: Reward (reinforce) the person ahead of time by explaining the positive
effects of getting what you want.

Mindful: Keep your focus on what you want, avoiding distractions. Come back to
your assertion over and over, like a "broken record." Ignore attacks.

Appear Confident: Make (and maintain) eye contact. Use a confident tone
of voice-do not whisper, mumble, or give up and say "never mind."

Negotiate: Be willing to GIVE TO GET. Ask for the other person's input. Offer
alternative solutions to the problem. Know when to "agree to disagree" and walk
away.

Adapted from DBT Linehan. Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets, Second Edition.
Copyright 2015 by Marsha M.

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INTERPERSONAL EFFECTIVENESS
Skills for meeting objectives, maintaining relationships and building self-
respect

GIVE
We use GIVE when trying to build and maintain positive relationships.

(be) Gentle: Be nice and respectful! Don't attack, use threats, or cast judgments.
Be aware of your tone of voice.

(act) Interested: LISTEN and act interested in what the other person is saying.
Don't interrupt or talk over him or her. Don't make faces. Maintain good eye
contact.

Validate: Show that you understand the other person's feelings or opinions. Be
nonjudgmental out loud. "I can understand how you feel and..." "I realize this is
hard..." "I see you are busy, and..." "That must have felt..."

(use an) Easy manner: SMILE. Use humor. Use non-threatening body language.
Leave your attitude at the door.

FAST
We use FAST for maintaining our self-respect.

(be) Fair: Be fair to yourself and to the other person.

(no) Apologies: Don't apologize for your behavior, for making a request, or for
being you. (If you wronged someone, don't under apologize.)

Stick to values: Stick to your own values and opinions. Don't sell out to get what
you want, to fit in, or to avoid saying "no."

(be) Truthful: Don't lie. Don't act helpless when you are not. Don't make up
excuses or exaggerate.

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Note. Adapted from DBT® Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets, Second Edition.
Copyright 2015 by Marsha M Linehan

TIP: “Remembering acronyms can be so hard— especially when you need to use
these skills in the moment. I focus less on remembering the acronym word for
word, and more on studying how to apply these skills in real situations. It helps to
practice different scenarios with a friend or peer and turning the acronyms into a
checklist.”

Your friend in Mental Fitness,

Bianca Bee
Founder at Mentally Fit

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INTERPERSONAL EFFECTIVENESS
Balancing and prioritizing Objectives, Relationships and Self-Respect

In order to walk away from a situation feeling skillful and effective, we have to
identify our priorities and approach mindfully.

Ask yourself what your priority is. Rate your priority on a scale of 1-3 (1 being
most important).

__ Objective: What is my goal? What specific results do I want out of this

interaction?

__ Relationship: How do I want the other person to feel about me based on how
handled this interaction?

__Self-Respect: How do I want to feel about myself and the way I approached this
interaction?

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What is VALIDATION?

VALIDATION communicates to another person that his or her feelings, thoughts,

and actions make sense and are understandable to you in a particular situation.

SELF-VALIDATION involves perceiving your own feelings, thoughts, and

actions as making sense, accurate, and acceptable in a particular situation.

INVALIDATION communicates (intentionally or not, through words or actions)

that another person's feelings, thoughts, and actions in a particular situation make
no sense, are "manipulative," or "stupid.”

How to Validate:

1. Pay Attention: Look interested, listen, and observe. No multitasking. Make eye
contact. Stay focused.

2. Reflect Back: Say back what you heard or observed to be sure you actually
understand what the person is saying. No judgmental language or tone of voice!

3. "Read Minds": Be sensitive to what is not being said by the other person. Pay
attention to facial expressions, body language, what is happening, and what you
know about the person already. Show that you understand in words or by your
actions.

4. Understand: Look for how the other person feels, is thinking, or if he or she is
making sense, given the person's history, state of mind or body, or current events
(i.e. the causes)--even if you don't approve of the person's behavior, or if his or her
belief is incorrect. Say "It makes sense that you ... because ..."

5. Acknowledge the valid: Show that you see that the person's thoughts, feelings,
or actions are valid, given current reality and facts. Act as if the person's behavior
is valid.

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6. Show Equality: Be yourself! Don't "one-up" or "one-down” the other person.
Treat the other as an equal, not as fragile or incompetent.

Note. From DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets, Second Edition, by Marsha M.
Linehan. Copyright 2015 by Marsha M, Linehan.

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Emotion Regulation
CHECK THE FACTS and PROBLEM SOLVE

Use these skills to help reduce/change intense emotions around events that
have already occurred or are ongoing.

1. DESCRIBE the problem situation.

2. CHECK THE FACTS! (Check all the facts; sort them from interpretations.)
● Are you interpreting the situation correctly? Are there other possible
● interpretations? Are you thinking in extremes (all-or-nothing, catastrophic
thinking?)
● What is the probability of the worst happening?
● Even if the worst were to happen, could you imagine coping well with it?
● If you are still faced with a big problem, then start the steps below.

3. IDENTIFY your GOAL in solving the problem.

● Identify what needs to happen or change for you to feel OK.
● Keep it simple; keep it something that can actually happen.
● BRAINSTORM lots of solutions. Think of as many solutions as you can.
● Do not be critical of any ideas at first (wait for Step 5 to evaluate ideas).
● CHOOSE a solution that is likely to work.
● If unsure, choose two or three solutions that look good.

6. Put the solution into ACTION,

● ACT: Try out the solution.
● Take the first step, and then the second ...

7. EVALUATE outcomes.
● Did it work? YEAH! Reward yourself!
● It didn't work? Reward yourself for trying and DON'T GIVE UP!
● Try a new solution.

Note. From DBT® Skills Manual for Adolescents, by Jill H. Rathus and Alec L. Miller.
Copyright 2015 by The Guilford Press.

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Emotion Regulation
Opposite Action

Use Opposite Action when your emotions do not fit the facts or when acting on
your emotions is not effective.

Emotions come with specific ACTION URGES that push us to act in certain ways.
Often we escape the pain of the emotion in harmful ways.

These are common URGES associated with a sample of emotions:

FEAR → Escaping or avoiding

ANGER → Attacking

SADNESS → Withdrawing, becoming passive, isolating

SHAME → Hiding, avoiding, withdrawing, saving face by attacking others

GUILT → Overpromise that you will not commit the offense again, disclaim all
responsibility, hiding, lowering head, begging forgiveness

JEALOUSY → Verbal accusations, attempt to control, acting suspicious

LOVE → Saying "I love you," making effort to spend time with the person, doing
what the other person wants and needs, and giving affection

OPPOSITE ACTION REQUIRES THESE seven STEPS:

1. Figure out the emotion you are feeling.

2. What is the action URGE that goes with the emotion?

3. Ask yourself: Does the emotion fit the facts in the situation? If yes, will acting
on the emotion's urge be effective?

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4. Ask yourself: Do I want to change the emotion?

5. If yes, figure out the OPPOSITE ACTION. 6. Do the opposite action- ALL THE
WAY!

7. Repeat acting in the opposite

Note. From DBT Skills Manual for Adolescents, by Jill H, Rathus and Alec L, Miller. Copyright
2015 by The Guilford Press.

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Emotion Regulation
Opposite Action

ACTING OPPOSITE = act opposite to the action urge when the emotion is doing
more harm than good.

Fear/Anxiety → APPROACH
● Approach events, places, tasks, activities, people you are afraid of, over and
over; confront.
● Do things to increase a sense of control and mastery over fears.

Anger → GENTLY AVOID

● Gently avoid the person you are angry with (rather than attacking).
● Take a time out and breathe in and out deeply and slowly.
● Be kind rather than mean or attacking. (Try to have sympathy or empathy
for the other person.)

Sadness → GET ACTIVE

● Approach, don't avoid.
● Build mastery and increase pleasant activities.

Shame → FACE THE MUSIC (when your behavior violates your moral values
or something shameful has been revealed about you and the shame fits the facts):
● Apologize and repair the harm when possible.
● Try to avoid making same mistake in the future and accept consequences.
● Forgive yourself and let it go.

GO PUBLIC (when your behavior DOES NOT violate your moral values and the
shame does NOT fit the facts):
● You continue to participate fully in social interactions, hold your head high,
keep your voice steady, and make eye contact.
● Go public with your personal characteristics or your behavior (with people
who won't reject you).

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 ● Repeat the behavior that sets off shame over and over (without hiding it
from those who won't reject you).

Guilt → FACE THE MUSIC (when your behavior violates your moral values,
hurts feelings of significant others, and the guilt fits the facts):
● Experience the guilt.
● You ask, but don't beg, for forgiveness and accept the consequences.
● You repair the transgression and work to prevent it from happening again.
DON'T APOLOGIZE OR TRY TO MAKE UP FOR IT (when your
behavior DOES NOT violate your moral values and the guilt does NOT fit
the facts).
● Change your body posture, look innocent and proud, head up, puff up your
chest, maintain eye contact, keep voice steady and clear.

Jealousy → LET GO OF CONTROLLING OTHERS' ACTIONS (when it

does not fit the facts or is not effective):
● Stop spying or snooping.
● Relax your face and body.

Love → STOP EXPRESSING LOVE (when it does not fit the facts or is not
effective, e.g., the relationship is truly over, not accessible, or abusive):
● Avoid the person and distract yourself from thoughts of the person.
● Remind yourself of why love is not justified and rehearse the "cons" of
loving this person.
● Avoid contact with things that remind you of the person (e.g., pictures).

Note. From DBT Skills Manual for Adolescents, by Jill H, Rathus and Alec L. Miller. Copyright
2015 by The Guilford Press.

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