Verbal Aikido

The art of directing verbal attacks to a balanced

outcome

V 1–G B

Luke A. Archer

Betterfly Publications, Lyon, France.

Copyright © 2013 Luke A Archer (luke@betterflyfrance.com)
Illustrations by Nabil
All rights reserved
ISBN: 1478198079
ISBN-13: 978-1478198079
First Edition
Dedicated to my brothers and sisters
 Contents
Acknowledgments
Preface
Some notes about this book

Prologue
It happens all the time
A brief history and explanation of martial aikido
Links and differences between aikido and Verbal Aikido
1. Discovery
Types of attacks
The different reactions to an attack
The space between stimulus and response
2. The three steps
Step 1: Receiving an attack with an Inner Smile
Step 2: Accompanying an attack to destabilize
Step 3: Channeling the attack to a balanced emotional result
3. The Inner Smile
Basic centering
Everyone’s a selfish hypocritical manipulator
The strength in knowing a weakness
4. Accompanying
Protected empathy
The power of questions
Lead or be led – avoiding justification
5. Destabilizing
The invisible onlooker
Searching for meaning
Understanding transfer
6. Saving grace
Common ground
Indirect and self-deprecating humor
Using negatives
7. Review, practice and assess
Theory
Practice
Self-analysis
Bonus chapter – Self-protection
Energy bubble
Detaching from values
Positional management and anchoring
Epilogue

Appendix A: Belts – What they mean and how to obtain them

Appendix B: Sample Irimi expressions
Appendix C: Some amusing spar transcripts
Appendix D: Glossary of terms and jargon used in this book
Appendix E: UDHR – Plain Language Version

Bibliography
About the author
 Acknowledgments
Wholehearted thanks to the collective consciousness for inspiration.
Special thanks to my family, friends, colleagues, clients, partners,
proofreaders and students for the enormous help with the creation of
this book, and for the support, smiles and insight they have given me
over the years.
All thanks to the beneficent, gracious and particularly merciful.
Preface

~~~

Accusations, judgment, criticism, blame, guilt trips… these verbal

weapons continue to psychologically hurt, and even maim the
unprepared and defenseless. It happens so regularly that it has
become an accepted part of everyday life. Yet how often do we think
to defend ourselves adequately? Do we even believe that we can?
Language is so powerful that it can reassure people and release
them, it can create and federate; but it can also sting, spoil, annoy
and destroy. Just think of the last time that someone’s words caused
negative feelings within you… How long did you carry around the
negativity of those verbal wounds? Minutes? Days? Years? Without
the correct filters in place, anyone with a sense of hearing is capable
of receiving pain through the words of another. Yet we continue to
accept or get drawn into verbal attacks without even considering the
alternative options that are available to us all.
When I discovered aikido and its elaborate philosophy[1] many years
ago, I recognized how it was not just a myth that a winner is an
unnecessary part of a confrontation. Morihei Ueshiba, innovator and
O Sensei[2] of the art, demonstrated repeatedly how jousting and
victory over the opponent were an unnecessary means to defuse an
attack. Later, when I was asked in 2009 to develop a style of conflict
management that enabled the practitioner a means to manage
interpersonal crises in potentially confrontational contexts, I
immediately saw how a verbal form of the world-renowned martial art
would be a potentially powerful means to bring about benefit for all
involved, both easily and effectively.
And so a style of Verbal Aikido was born, and since its birth it has
been creating serene professional conditions and rapidly improving
interpersonal relationships. Whether you have experience in martial
arts or not, the three simple steps in the verbal form of aikido
covered herein, along with a variety of powerful communication
techniques that you are about to discover, will enable you to restore
the balance in your relationships and free you from the tyranny of
verbal attacks.
This book, and the following works in this series on Verbal Aikido,
demonstrate, by neither fleeing nor entering into a conflict, how the
power of your deliberate intention can quickly and easily enable
balance and maintain inner peace. Just as the martial art of aikido
has proven to be one of the foremost means of effective self-defense
from a physical attack, Verbal Aikido provides the practitioner with an
equally effective means of dealing with verbal attacks.
We often mix up ‘conversation’ and ‘debate’. In a debate there is a
winner, and there is a loser. The true purpose of conversation, as
proposed herein, varies from sharing feelings, to finding solutions, to
even just passing the time with humor and a sense of connection.
Indeed you cannot ‘win’ a conversation. You may however, have an
astonishing impact on balancing one.
So how would you like to be able to have the self-confidence that
never again will you be abused by words? If you’re ready to discover
how to eliminate the build up of negative emotions from repeated
verbal attacks, and say ‘no’ to relational stress forever; if you’re
ready to transform stagnant relationships into harmonious ones in a
way that you never even dreamed possible, then I urge you to read
on.

Lyon, March 2013

Some notes about this book
- For the sake of simplicity the author has used ‘his’, ‘him’ or ‘he’
when referring to the subjects in question (attackers, Aikidoists,
instructors etc.).
- This is first volume in a three-volume work corresponding to each
of the three learning cycles or ‘belts’ in Verbal Aikido. It is directed at
the novice and covers the basic notions and exercises necessary to
practice the art. In the second volume, the style alternates to cover
more advanced concepts for the learner, and to include the
beginnings of a self-teaching perspective. The third volume is written
for those aiming at becoming instructors through a maieutic
approach.
- Verbal Aikido is distinguished from martial aikido throughout the
books, but the term ‘Aikidoist’ alone, as used herein, refers to the
Verbal Aikido practitioner.
- The verbal exchanges presented herein are either transcriptions
from spars (verbal exchanges with an attack used to develop the art
of Verbal Aikido in a controlled practice environment) or adapted
versions of real exchanges.
- The explanation for the Japanese terms, innovated concepts and
jargon can be found in the glossary in appendix D. These terms will
appear in italics when they are first used.
 Prologue
“To injure an opponent is to injure yourself. To control aggression
without inflicting injury is the Art of Peace” ~ Morihei Ueshiba
It happens all the time
“Verbal Aikido? Sounds like a load of pretentious charlatan blah!”
“Which part, the ‘Verbal’ or the ‘Aikido’?”
“Both! Where did you come up with such drivel?”
“Do you really want to know?”
“Don’t bother; I know it’s just another passing fad!”
“Probably best that we forget about it for the time being then, and
save our energy for something worthwhile!”
“Emm, yeah...”
~~~
If we’re lucky enough to be living in a country where the legal system
actively protects us from physical violence, then our sense of safety,
security and comfort is far greater than those less fortunate than us.
But can you imagine a society where this sense of wellbeing extends
beyond our physical interactions? One where we feel protected from
verbal and psychological abuse? One where this sort of abuse is no
longer accepted as a normal part of daily life?
Indeed not so long ago physical violence was often an accepted part
of everyday happenings between one hierarchical or domestic
position and another, between one social level and another, between
one ethnicity and another. If there is a positive take on the excessive
violence of two world wars, it might just be the Universal Declaration
of Human Rights[3] that came in its aftermath. Although violations of
this internationally binding declaration still occur regularly, the very
fact that they are recognized as ‘violations’ contribute greatly to the
awareness of each individual’s rights as to what sort of protection
and safety they can aspire to.
Nowadays it’s much more “accepted” to be subjected to
psychological or verbal abuse than physical abuse. Due to this social
tolerance and the apparent subjective nature of such abuse it can be
considerably harder to deal with it or to even imagine that it could
subside. Too often, the victims of regular and persistent verbal abuse
continue to grin and bear it without having a means to deal with the
abuse intelligently and peacefully. Verbal Aikido is simply a
communication tool that has proven to be an efficient approach to
managing and defusing conflict – and one that can be easily
acquired in three straightforward steps.
Through the methods and exercises taught in Verbal Aikido, the
practitioner develops a sense of self-control, an assertive style of
communication, and the practice of deliberate intention. The clarity to
habitually react with deliberate intention in a conflictual situation
highlights the difference between letting a situation escalate into a
negative outcome, and providing opportunities for it to move towards
a constructively positive direction or a balanced outcome.
A brief history and explanation of martial aikido
If you’re not familiar with martial aikido, you may erroneously think
that it is just another way of exchanging punches and kicks, and
possibly imagine that Verbal Aikido would then be just a means to
joust verbally in order to ‘slay’ your interlocutor. However, once you
discover the philosophy and approach to this non-competitive martial
art, you will quickly see the differences it has with other forms of
‘combat’. In fact, one of the main principles in aikido is that there is
no combat, because it is over as soon as it begins. Another core
concept is that aggressiveness is never replied to with
aggressiveness. The specific goal that the founder, Morihei Ueshiba,
had for the art was that it would enable practitioners to defend
themselves while also keeping the attacker from harm! Indeed, you
will not find competitions in mainstream aikido; rather ‘seminars’
where the techniques are exchanged between practitioners for
mutual benefit.
So what does the word ‘aikido’ mean?
You may already be familiar with the use of ‘do’ in other martial arts,
for example: Judo, Taekwondo and Jeet Kun Do. In all of these, the
do signifies ‘the way of’ or ‘the path to’. Ai is the Japanese for
‘harmonious’ or ‘balancing’, and ki means ‘life spirit’ or ‘energy force’
(e.g. Tai-Chi, Qi-Gong). Ai-ki-do is thus often translated as ‘the way
of harmonious spirit’ or ‘the path to balancing energy’.
It was during the period of Pacific War, when Japan was
experiencing some of the most violent conflicts in the 20th century,
that Ueshiba(photo) founded Aikido, proclaiming it to be a way of
joining the peoples of the world together in peace.
Aikido is thus considered to be truly budo – a martial way, rather
than a martial technique or art. O-Sensei, as Ueshiba came to be
known, developed and tweaked this veritable budo in the last
century. He died in 1969, and martial aikido around the world now
has literally millions of followers, students and practitioners. With his
teachings he professed incessantly about peace and Aikido’s
philosophical ideal of “refining one’s mind to foster a spirit of
harmony”.
Budo was seen by Ueshiba as martial training, not simply as a
means to emerge victorious from conflict, but as a means to refine
and perfect the self. The essence of the spirit of Aikido may be found
in one of O-Sensei’s most remembered mottos, “Masakatsu agatsu”
– True victory is victory over the self.
In practice, here are seven of the martial aikido practitioner’s basic
goals:
- Strategically calm an attack.
- Never respond to force or aggression with a similar energy.
- Join and combine with the energy of the other.
- Rapidly use and redirect the force of the attacker.
- Turn or pivot with the force of the attacker, letting them continue
their stride.
- Protect the attacker from injury.
- Consider the attacker as a partner
Links and differences between aikido and Verbal Aikido
The links between martial aikido and Verbal Aikido are too numerous
to list, but indeed the principle of ‘emerging victorious every time and
in every situation, by not fighting’ is predominant in the teachings of
both. Throughout this book, the links between the two will be used to
illustrate concepts and clarify certain points.
The philosophy of Verbal Aikido is based directly on that of martial
aikido but there are differences. Verbal Aikido is proposed as a tool
to manage verbal abuse, and though extremely effective when used
correctly, it is not the answer to every conflictual situation. It has
limits and differentiates with the practice of martial aikido in the
following ways:
- The belt-grading system[4] differs significantly.
- Verbal Aikido can be quite useless in a physical attack.
- Although martial aikido tries to prevent the attacker from harm, the
attacker often ends up on the ground and/or in a rather
uncomfortable position; the aim of Verbal Aikido is to leave the
attacker ‘standing’, having saved face.
- Martial aikido’s principal goal lies in the development of a veritable
philosophy through which one can defend one’s self against a
physical attack. Verbal Aikido’s principal objective is to find an
emotional balance in verbal exchanges, and its practice often results
in teaching others how we would like to be treated. It may be
considered as simply a branch of the martial aikido philosophy.
- Verbal Aikido is centered around three simple core steps (covered
in chapter 2).
- Martial aikido uses the term ‘Uke’ or ‘Aite’ to describe the ‘attacker’
and ‘Tori’ to describe the defender of the attack, or what we call
simply the ‘Aikidoist’.
If you are already familiar with martial aikido, you will recognize
many connections with the approach and concepts presented in this
book. If not, you will discover the art from another perspective: one
that gives you access to this admirable and effective philosophy
without having to leave your seat!

In short
- Martial aikido is not only a non-competitive art of self-defense but a
budo, or way to live in harmony with others.
- Verbal Aikido is simply an extension of that budo, elaborated clearly
to deal with verbal attacks in everyday life.
- Martial aikido and Verbal Aikido both require a lot of work on one’s
self to obtain a high-level of proficiency.
- Verbal Aikido aims to always let the attacker save face.
 P 1
T
 1. Discovery

“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is

our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth
and our freedom.” ~ Viktor E. Frankl
We’re mammals, and as such, our highest instinct for self-
preservation when faced with a danger is to either confront it or to
flee – the ‘fight or flight response’. This is all fair and well in the life-
threatening situations that we were confronted with hundreds or
thousands of years ago, but in a more civilized and modern age,
when we’re much more likely to be confronted with a verbal attack
than a physical one, other solutions are not only available but
necessary.
Just as martial aikido deals with physical attacks skillfully, efficiently
and inflicting minimum harm on an attacker, Verbal Aikido does so
with verbal attacks. In this chapter you will discover the different
forms of verbal attacks, and how the Aikidoist starts to develop an
alternative means to respond to them.
Types of attacks
The first step in dealing with the verbal attacks is to recognize what
they are. Indeed, just as a physical attack is one that causes pain or
discomfort if not shielded, we consider a verbal attack to be any
remark that causes some form of emotional pain or discomfort. You
may (as some novices do) create a link between a physical attack
and a verbal one, for example you might see an accusation as a
punch, or an insult as a head-butt, and so on. It’s not a necessity but
it may help you to get acquainted with the many forms of attacks that
exist.
In reality, many verbal attacks are developed using more than one
sentence, may accumulate over periods of time, and can be
particularly subtle and thus difficult to isolate clearly. For the sake of
having a basic illustration of the different forms of attacks, the
examples in this section have been kept short. Keep in mind that
both the context and the intonation of each attack have great
relevance, as would the context and delivery of a physical attack.
The most common verbal attacks are:
- Objections
- Cynical criticism
- Blame or ‘guilt trips’
- Accusations or judgment
- Deception or bluff
- Insults
- Other attacks on behavior or creations
- Other attacks on beliefs, values or identity
So how great would it be to be able to defend yourself quickly and
with agility against this panoply of verbal assaults? There are of
course, many other forms of attacks that may create feelings of
discomfort within you, but whatever they are, isolating the form they
take is the first step in knowing how to overcome them! Let’s first
look at some examples of these attacks so that we’re on the same
wavelength as to what they may entail.

Objections
“That will never work”, “Do you really think I’d go along with that?”
This sort of response to a suggestion or proposal is generally viewed
as an attack in its directness of disagreement. It concerns any type
of argument against a suggested direction or plan. As with many
other attacks, it can be formulated as a statement or a question.

Cynical Criticism
“That’s just awful, no good at all!”, “What sort of an effort do you call
this?”
Not all criticism is an attack. In this book the criticism we deal with is
of the ‘non-constructive’ kind. Rather, the tendency to find fault with,
demean or belittle content, context, purpose, points of view, etc.

Blame or guilt-trips
“This is completely your fault; you’re always doing this sort of thing!”
or “Why do you do this to me?”
Blame and reproach are ways of holding someone responsible,
usually morally, for an outcome viewed as negative. It is the opposite
of praise, and often linked with ‘victim plays’.

Accusations or judgment
“You’re never honest about anything!” or “You’re so selfish!”
These attacks are some of the most common and are covered
extensively in the book. They generally concern a charge of
wrongdoing or a negative conclusion about an attitude or act.
Deception or bluff
“Nobody would ever agree with you on that!” or “So basically you’re
telling me everything I’ve done is useless, well maybe I should just
quit!”
There are various degrees of deception; lying, equivocating,
downplaying, concealing and exaggerating which, consciously or
subconsciously, have the intention of misleading the target in some
way.

Attacks on behavior or creations

“You really have no idea what you’re doing!” or “What sort of a
presentation was that?”
These sorts of attacks may be particularly hard to deal with as they
concern what we consider to be our conceptions or our ‘babies’.

Attacks on beliefs, values or identity

“All that religious stuff is just a load of hypocritical rubbish”,
“Freedom is totally over-rated!” or “Ah, you’re an arts student. How
sad is that?”
Anything that you hold close can create hurtful feelings if attacked,
whether the attacker is aware of your attachment to it or not. A
similar remark about something that you’re not attached to would
rarely be a cause for distress.

As suggested, it can be useful for some to assimilate these verbal

attacks with physical counterparts, but essentially it is important to
become conscious of the attack that is being delivered. The quicker
you can detect whether the assailant is criticizing your actions or
blaming you for something, the more effectively you will be able to
deal with the attack. To draw a comparison with martial arts, you
won’t block a kick the same way you block a punch.
Fundamentally, any uttering that causes emotional discomfort within
you is considered to be an attack, even though the same words may
have little or no effect on another person. Once you’ve understood
what an attack is, the next step is to look at how you can deal with it.
The different reactions to an attack
In this section we’re looking at the way we react when we feel that,
for whatever reason, we’re being verbally attacked. Even though
someone delivering an attack may not realize that their verbal
approach is perceived as being tyrannical or abusive, the discomfort
their remarks create lead to various sorts of outcomes[5]. Indeed in
addition to our instinctual fight or flight response, there are several
other reactions that we may have learnt, in dealing with situations
that appear to be threatening. Here are some visual representations
of how we may react that are valid for both physical and verbal
attacks:

Figure 1.1 – Counter-attack (fight response)

Counter-attack or sharp retaliation is a very common reaction to an
attack, yet it is the main contributing factor to a highly-charged
emotional escalation in an exchange.

Figure 1.2 – Run away (flight response)

Motivations for fleeing an attack vary from confusion to fear, and
even rage. Physical displacement is rarely the initial reaction to a
verbal attack, but may arise as a strategy once other reactions have
been used unsuccessfully. It is more common to react with an
internal form of escape, or to ‘drift off’.
Figure 1.3 – Do nothing (freeze response)
The response of being stunned is rather common in hierarchical
situations, but often leads to a build-up of tension. It may be an
intentional reaction and get rationalized as ‘patience’ or ‘tolerance’;
or an unintentional one, for example when someone becomes
speechless, not knowing what to do. Either way it can chronically
lead to passive aggressiveness, which may in turn lead to a ‘volcanic
explosion’. The explosion may either be directed at someone
unrelated to the exchange or at the attacker. Either way, it will
commonly be deemed inappropriate or considered irrational and/or
exaggerated.

Figure 1.4 – Justify (push response)

The natural reaction to many accusations can be to justify one’s self,
and although this defense may often have the intention of balancing
an exchange, it tends to be badly-timed during a conflictual situation,
where the attacker has rarely the intention of receiving information.
Figure 1.5 – Divert attention (distract response)
Distraction can be quite an effective technique, and can temporarily
defuse an attack. Nevertheless, it may easily backfire when the
attacker realizes the intention to ‘pull the wool over his eyes’.

Figure 1.6 – Ai-ki (balancing energy)

The Ai-ki response is one that aims for a positive emotional result.
One of the side-effects is that it gives the attacker an opportunity to
learn how to treat the practitioner.
You may already have guessed that no single reaction is appropriate
in every context, but reading through the descriptions above may
give you some clarity as to how you have reacted to different verbal
attacks in the past. The first of the three steps in Verbal Aikido opens
the door to your capacity to consciously choose the most appropriate
reaction depending on the situation. This is done by developing the
awareness of the space between a stimulus and your response to it.
The space between stimulus and response
Attacker: “You’re always late!”
Untrained target: “I’m not always late”
Attacker: “Well you’re hardly an example of punctuality!”
Untrained target: “Who do you think you are, talking to me like that?”
Attacker: “Who do you think you are, continually disrespecting the
schedule?”
Untrained target: “I don’t need this sort of abuse. I don’t know why I
bother coming at all!”
Attacker: “Well for the amount of help you give, I don’t know why you
bother either!”
Untrained target: “I’m leaving!”
If something here sounds vaguely familiar, then you’ve already
experienced a conflictual escalation. It’s hard to imagine that either
person has ‘won’ in this exchange, so the emotional result would be
considered ‘lose-lose’. As the book progresses, you will start to see
many opportunities for this type of exchange to take a different
direction, and how one of the keys to changing a habitual style of
response is recognizing the sliding point – that moment when we
start sliding from one state of being to another. Once we discover
this space between the stimulus we receive, and our reaction to the
stimulus, we then have only to wait for opportunities to experiment
with how we manage this space. Let me give a few illustrations of
this concept.
I used to get angry when I lost my things; my wallet, my keys, my
glasses and so on. Once I got so angry at myself that I kicked the
wall in frustration, and really hurt my big toe! A little later my pain
forced me to review what had happened, and I decided that I didn’t
want to ‘go down that road’ again. Coming to the conclusion that no
loss was worth making a situation twice as painful, I reasoned that
interrupting the process earlier, would enable me to change my
reaction so as never to get a sore toe again.
Inevitably there was a next time. I couldn’t find my keys and got
angry again, and I was just about to kick the wall, when I
remembered my goal and interrupted my reaction in time to keep my
toes and the wall intact. Even though the chain reaction had started,
I had managed to stop it before letting it result in physical pain.
Reviewing the situation I realized that not only did I want to avoid
hurting myself again, I didn’t really want to get angry. Seeing that I
had been able to interrupt the ‘wall kicking’, I thought it might also be
possible to interrupt the anger being triggered.
This wasn’t so easy. Although I never kicked a wall again, it was a
while before my habit of getting frustrated about losing my things
disappeared. I had managed to stop the self-inflicted physical pain,
but the self-inflicted emotional distress needed a lot more work. Over
time, and with the persistent intention to interrupt my anger earlier
and earlier, I got more and more consciously aware of that sliding
point. After realizing that I could change my habitual reaction to
progressively reduce the amount of negative charge, I finally
reached the desired reaction a couple of months later when, upon
losing my glasses I was able to immediately react with a positive
discharge.
The process starts with the decision to avoid going down a certain
road again, and the belief that other choices are possible. When an
exchange or event leaves us feeling negatively charged, realizing
that we have the choice to react differently to the stimulus is a step in
a positive direction. Desiring to make the effort to change is the next
one. Sometimes we wait until it gets too painful before we decide to
change something, as with the ‘toe-meets-wall’ story. Thankfully we
have the ability to decide to make a change before reaching such
extremities, or worse!
Once we discover this space between stimulus and response, it may
in fact take some time to decide what we want to insert into this gap!
In the case of verbal conflict, Verbal Aikido is just one of many
options that we have as a response to deal with such a situation.
However, the phenomenon that occurs once we start to perceive this
space is quite magical. The gap seems to get bigger, almost like time
slowing down, giving us a real opportunity to choose how we’re
going to act. Moreover, a particularly beneficial side effect of
developing this awareness is that the frequency of the disturbing
event tends to lessen considerably.

Figure 1.7 – Creating a space between stimulus and response

I used to be afraid of falling. I didn’t really realize it until I was in the
country picking cherries and found myself immobilized on a ladder.
The very next day I was trekking with my brother and, hesitating to
jump off a country wall about a meter high, I slipped and fell; hurting
myself pretty badly in fact. This event pushed me to deal with my
fear, so I started a sport where I knew I would inevitably fall. The first
time I fell, I didn’t really hurt myself but the ground was wet and I got
my top pretty soiled. The second time I fell, I remember thinking
“avoid the dirt!” and managed to anticipate the fall so that I kept my
jersey clean! The space between stimulus and response had started
to grow. Now that I had a clear desire to change the result, I was
given enough time to react differently. Quickly I got better at falling,
but more importantly, the ‘side-effect’ appeared – I fell a lot less
frequently.
This Virtuous Spiral Phenomenon is very apparent when people start
Verbal Aikido training to become a green belt. They often start the
training in order to deal with certain situations that they feel
uncomfortable handling. The sessions often begin with the
participants sharing the difficulties they have been experiencing.
Once the novices start to become comfortable with the use of the
three steps, not only do they start dealing with the situations better,
but there are notably less and less of these uncomfortable situations
that arise.

Summary of this chapter

- There are various sorts of verbal attacks that exist, from criticism
and insults to accusations and blame, and so on.
- The quicker you can detect or anticipate what sort of an attack
you’re dealing with, the quicker you can respond to it effectively.
- People react habitually to attacks in different ways depending on
the attack, the context and their humor or state.
- We can insert something between the stimulus received and the
response we give once we recognize our response as something we
want to change.
- The space between stimulus and response increases the more we
focus on it and gives us an opportunity to create a VSP (Virtuous
Spiral Phenomenon).
 2. The three steps

“Three things cannot be long hidden: the sun, the moon, and the
truth” ~ Buddha
The basic strategy in Verbal Aikido, called ‘reaching Ai-ki’ (or
balancing the energy of an exchange) is centered on a simple three-
step approach:
1. Receiving the attack with an Inner Smile,
2. Accompanying the attack to a point of destabilization,
3. Rebalancing the attack so the attacker may save face.
Everyone already has strengths and weaknesses in each of these
steps, but to accomplish Ai-ki correctly, the Verbal Aikidoist must
follow successively and successfully each of the three. By the end of
Part One of this book, you will have a greater understanding of which
step or steps you need to work on most, and which you can continue
to nurture or develop positively.
Step 1: Receiving an attack with an Inner Smile
In Verbal Aikido the Inner Smile concerns a type of self-knowledge
and confidence that enables us to avoid entering into a conflict when
someone is consciously or subconsciously attempting to enjoin us in
one. It is by far the most important of the steps, but also the most
difficult to maintain. However, if mastered correctly, it can eliminate
the need for the other two steps entirely.
The Inner Smile will be covered in more detail at different stages in
the book, but to get you started, here are the basic points you need
to know:
- It can be seen, at this stage, as the sliding point or space between
stimulus and response, where we can choose how to react to an
attack.
- We can often perceive this space retrospectively, thinking “I
could/should have said/done x”.
- Focusing on reaching the Inner Smile brings us inevitably closer to
it.
- An Inner Smile is often accentuated by a brief silence.
- It’s generally counter-productive to let it develop into an ‘outer
smile’, as it can easily be misconstrued as mockery or a counter-
attack.
- Developing this skill is, among other things, an open-ended
learning path about one’s self.
- In written form it is transcribed as “[…]”.
What color eyes do you have? I think I can safely assume that
they’re not orange. But let’s imagine someone comes at you
aggressively, criticizing your hideous orange eyes.
Attacker: “Oh dear Lord, what is up with your orange eyes? They are
just the most horrible things I’ve ever seen! You freak! Would you not
think of getting lenses or something so you don’t look so revolting?”
As perplexed as you may be by this attack, it’s highly unlikely that
you would either get offended, think to counter-attack or even
believe that the ‘attacker’ has a valid reason to be aggressive or
judgmental. This sort of position in regard to an attack starts to
illustrate the sort of ‘untouchable confidence’ that we may feel with
the Inner Smile.
Step 2: Accompanying an attack to destabilize
If you haven’t seen martial aikido in action, now would be a good
time to check out a demonstration. Very quickly you may notice a
common initial semi-circular swiveling step (as illustrated in figure
1.6) that is used when dealing with many attacks. Simply put, it is
much more difficult to attack someone who is standing by your side.
The same is true in Verbal Aikido and, in starting the second of the
three steps, the Aikidoist tries to metaphorically stand side-by-side
with the attacker and genuinely attempt to see things from his point
of view; to intellectually or logically look in the same direction as him.
Very often this move, as it is often unexpected, is destabilizing in
itself and can be enough to complete Step 2. For example:
Attacker: “This is totally unacceptable! I’ve been on hold for the last
20 minutes, every operator I talked to has passed the buck and I
swear if I don’t get answers now, I’m going to come down to your
offices and give you a piece of my mind!”
Aikidoist: “[…] Yeah, I’d be pretty mad too if I was in your shoes.”
Although often quite effective, it doesn’t always work instantly, and
more angles may be needed to reach a destabilization point. Other
tactics, covered in chapters 4 and 5, demonstrate different ways to
destabilize momentarily, giving you space to prepare Step 3.
Step 3: Channeling the attack to a balanced emotional result
During the course of Verbal Aikido training, novice Aikidoists often
express their view that an attacker deserves to be left destabilized
after an attack. It’s essential to underline that in the non-competitive
philosophy of Verbal Aikido, a ‘win-lose’ outcome is never a desired
direction. Due to the altruistic nature of this art and the belief in an
ethic of reciprocity, the Aikidoist becomes acutely aware of the
negative effects that such an outcome may cause. Therefore, having
the intention to implement this final step is not only necessary to
ensure momentary equilibrium, but to establish a long-term balance
of energies.
There are many possible outcomes to an exchange that can be
viewed as positive for both sides. The essential thing to remember is
that, the objective of the destabilization in Step 2 is to make way for
the rebalancing in Step 3. Trying to implement a balancing move
before a destabilization invariably results in the attacker gaining a
greater position of power, and is thus even harder to recover from.
Using the sequence explained in this chapter, here’s one way the
attack on a person’s lateness could be dealt with to increase the
possibility of a balanced outcome. Remember, the Inner Smile,
accentuated by a brief silence, is annotated as ‘[…]’.
Attacker: “You’re always late!”
Aikidoist: “[…] You seem pretty angry about this!”
Attacker: “Of course I’m angry! You clearly have no respect for
anyone’s schedule but your own!”
Aikidoist: “[…] Well I understand how that would upset you, and I’m
sorry that it does. What would you like me to do if I realize I’m not
going to make it on time in the future?”
Attacker: “I don’t have time for this, just don’t be late! How hard is
that to understand?”
Aikidoist: “[…] You’re right, let’s focus on the priority work we have
right now, then maybe we can discuss this another time.”
Inflection, intonation, pitch and emphasis are important in
understanding and mastering an exchange. During the course of this
book, the exchanges used to illustrate the use of Verbal Aikido
typically give the attacker’s voice intonations of anger, cynicism or
negativity. Except where stipulated, the Aikidoist aims at having a
voice tone that is mastered, i.e. peaceful and tempered throughout
the execution of the three steps – careful to express empathy rather
than pity and equality rather than condescension.

Summary of this chapter

- There are three fundamental steps to performing Verbal Aikido
when confronted with a verbal attack.
- The first step consists in receiving the attack with an Inner Smile.
- In the second step, the Aikidoist accompanies the attack until the
attacker is destabilized. It is only valid in the three steps if the
intention to balance the exchange is present.
- The third step sees the Aikidoist always aiming at rebalancing the
attack and gracefully keeping the attacker from losing face.
- Voice mastery is an important element in performing the three
steps effectively.
 3. The Inner Smile

“No matter who says what, you should accept it with a smile and do
your own work.” ~ Mother Teresa
The last chapter explained how the development of the Inner Smile
is the most important of the three steps. Although this chapter
elaborates on this concept as a theory, it is essential to actually
experience an attack, and focus one’s energy on exercising the Inner
Smile to understand the usefulness and power in this first step.
Indeed the more this skill is developed, the less need there is for the
second and third steps. It is, however, difficult to reach a level of
Inner Smile that truly leaves a balance in an exchange which begins
with an attack, as the Aikidoist needs to have worked on many of the
following aspects for it to be possible:
- Consciousness of the present moment
- Self-awareness
- Self-acceptance
- Self-confidence
- Meditation or prayer
- Mindfulness[6]
The development of these aptitudes enables the Aikidoist to
anticipate attacks easily and respond to them swiftly and peacefully.
Even if you are one of those gifted people that can already maintain
a natural calm when confronted with an attack, this chapter gives a
few tools and concepts that will help further develop your
understanding of the Inner Smile, and your capacity to regain a
sense of serenity after an upset.
Basic centering
Centering or ‘grounding’ in Verbal Aikido is the capacity to feel stable
within oneself in order to make a conscious decision on how to act
next. One of the first ways the Aikidoist may work on this is to focus
on his or her breathing.
Why breathing? Well, you’re doing it right now, and this act of
breathing is something that your body does naturally whether you
are conscious of it or not. Drawing attention to it has the effect of
reminding you that you can observe and control the way you act or
react at a given moment. Generally speaking you breathe without
making a deliberate decision, but you can consciously change the
rhythm of your breathing to gasp, hyperventilate or take a long deep
breath, if you so choose.
Automatic-to-conscious awareness is taking an action that we do
without focus, and then focusing our attention on it. The reason we
use breathing as the starting point in centering is that there is a clear
parallel between this awareness of ‘automatic-to-conscious’
breathing that we all have, and an automatic-to-conscious reaction
we have learned when faced with an attack.
Even though you let your subconscious manage your breathing most
of the time, with a simple decision, you can observe and control it.
The same is true with your reactions to an attack – mostly you let
your subconscious deal with an attack automatically, but you do
have the capacity to observe and control your reaction. Aikido
founder Ueshiba wrote “… if you grasp the subtle transformation of
breath, you will sense a great spiritual power concentrated in your
body, a power that will protect and nourish you. This is the subtle
interaction of Ai-ki, the first step along the Way”. And thus Aikido
schools around the globe insist that the generation of ki through
controlled breathing is one of the central principles in martial aikido
training.
If, while being attacked, you manage to interrupt your automatic
response and consciously take a deep breath, you are making a
definite step towards empowering yourself to control your actions.
The following is the first Inner Smile exercise practiced for sparring.
You will find a variety of sparring exercises in the practical review in
chapter 7 that can help you develop this reflex.
You don’t need a highly-developed imagination to picture yourself
smiling confidently, yet that’s essentially all you have to do for this
first stage of basic centering. Once you’ve visualized yourself smiling
with confidence, now ‘inhale’ that picture of yourself into you. And
that’s it[7]; you’re starting to be centered! This is the springboard
from which you can jump to start accompanying your attacker.
You can use the exercises in chapter 7 to practice this technique
until you can breathe and channel your energy to picture your Inner
Smile in less than 3 seconds. When you are starting to deal with
verbal attacks, being able to center yourself quickly is already an
enormous step that will give you the edge over your attacker. Once
you have started to develop the capacity to react to attacks with a
breath that you link to an image of self-confidence, you’ve already
started to acquire this technique of basic centering. The more solid
you become with the use of centering, the smoother your transition
to Step 2 will be.
Everyone’s a selfish hypocritical manipulator
Sure, suggesting that everyone is a selfish hypocritical manipulator
may seem like a pretty negative accusation, but once you look at
each of the terms in detail, you’ll see just how it starts to make
sense. The point of this section is to expand a sense of self-
knowledge or self-awareness through an exercise in perspective. As
ambitious as the intention may seem, the very least this section aims
to do is to develop an understanding of the flexibility in language. Try
to see it as a verbal stretching exercise.
Selfishness
I might be going out on a limb here by saying that every correctly
functioning human being is selfish (not to be confused with ‘self-
centered), and that our actions are guided by our selfishness. So
bear with me. Being selfish, in its most fundamental form, is acting in
order to increase one’s own well-being – doing things so that we feel
good... or better... or even sometimes just ‘not so bad’.
“Yes but, sometimes we do something selfless or altruistic or even
masochistic so that other people feel good and we don’t think about
ourselves, right?” Well, right and wrong. Yes we can do something
altruistic etc., but in doing it, does it not make us feel good, or better,
or not so bad about ourselves on some level? Is the perspective of
this line of reasoning becoming clearer?
Let’s take the example of someone who has devoted their lives to
helping those in difficulty or need. Their seemingly selfless actions
have a clear impact on their own sense of well-being, and if they
hadn’t tapped into the intrinsic well-being created by seeing others
happy, then they wouldn’t continue their actions. At the very least,
they would feel much worse if they did nothing to help, and thus
avoid feeling this pain by helping those in difficulty or need.
Thankfully there are many people who really get pleasure out of
seeing others happy or better off – what is unfortunate is the people
who feel pain at others’ pleasure or well-being, but that’s another
issue altogether[8].
“And what about masochists?” Well the principle remains the same;
the masochist actually derives pleasure and gratification from feeling
physical pain, so again, they are having pain inflicted on them with
the belief that it increases their level of well-being. All in all we are
naturally selfish beings that just differentiate in our strategies to feel
good or better, or not so bad!
Hypocrisy
Maybe it’s just a question of perspective. If you preach a certain
lifestyle or overtly adhere to a practice that, in reality, you don’t
systematically follow, you may very well be in the line of fire for
someone to accuse you of hypocrisy.
Samuel Johnson wrote: “Nothing is more unjust, however common,
than to charge with hypocrisy him that expresses zeal for those
virtues which he neglects to practice; since he may be sincerely
convinced of the advantages of conquering his passions, without
having yet obtained the victory, as a man may be confident of the
advantages of a voyage, or a journey, without having courage or
industry to undertake it, and may honestly recommend to others,
those attempts which he neglects himself.”
In theory then, if I actively encourage others to eat healthily, I should
not be considered a hypocrite for eating junk food, as long as I don’t
claim to be someone who has successfully implemented a balanced
diet. Sure, but as the distinguished poet highlights, it is relatively
common for the opposite to happen.
Furthermore, if we take a little time to look at what we accuse or
criticize others for, we so often find that it is either actions that we do
or have done ourselves at some point. Our negativity in relation to
the matter at hand generally underlines something that is unresolved
within our psyche. This means that if I feel the need to accuse or
criticize you for your selfishness or for your lateness, etc., then it
may well be something for which I haven’t yet found a satisfying
system or explanation myself, thus causing an imbalance in my
psyche and resulting in my aggressiveness.
Conversely, if I consciously believe that my actions could be
perceived as selfish or hypocritical in a certain context, and feel
comfortable about that, then I will not feel the need to accuse or
criticize others of these characteristics, nor would I feel insulted by
such an accusation.
Attacker: “You’re such a hypocrite!”
Aikidoist: “[…] I can see why you would say that.”
“There is only one way to avoid criticism,” explained Aristotle, “do
nothing, say nothing and be nothing.” With the constantly changing
circumstances that life presents us, maybe the only way one can
avoid being called a hypocrite is by never expressing a point of view
or a belief. It might work in theory, but does seem like a rather drastic
way to avoid accusations of incongruous actions!
Manipulation
Manipulation has a bad name. The original signification of ‘to
manipulate’ was to take fully in one’s hand or to handle skillfully, and
even now in its most simple definition, it means ‘guidance’. Are your
verbal muscles starting to feel the stretch? Indeed, the martial
aikidoist physically guides or manipulates the attacker to a point of
destabilization and then returns them to balance, and the Verbal
Aikidoist does so with words.
So if you don’t think you’re capable of manipulating, think of the last
time you asked someone for a favor, negotiated a price, asked
someone to make an exception, got someone to call you back, made
someone laugh, succeeded in getting someone to dance with you…
the list goes on indefinitely, because the only way you can avoid
‘manipulating’ or guiding another human being is by leaving them
completely alone, and not interacting with them in any way. This
would require you to become a hermit and, if that is your choice, you
really have no need for this book!
In short, as soon as two human beings enter into contact, there is
guidance present in some form or other. In most healthy
relationships the guidance alternates, but it is unrealistic to think that
you can interact with others without either attempting to guide or
letting yourself be guided somewhat.
Why then has the word ‘manipulation’ come to be portrayed and
interpreted so negatively? Well, one way of seeing it is that it’s like
football supporters. There really are so many well-intentioned
football supporters, but it’s the ones with aggressive intentions and
behavior that give it a bad name. The type of manipulation that
involves concealing aggressive intentions, taking advantage of
others vulnerabilities, and a lack of concern for another’s well-being,
is the type of guidance that corresponds to the hooligan among the
manipulators. This abuse of manipulation is what has given the word
an understandably negative connotation.
The intention behind your guidance is key. If your guidance is based
on Ai-ki, that is to say, if the motivation for your actions is to
harmonize a conflictual situation, then guiding others towards a
peaceful outcome, will invariably be seen as praiseworthy rather
than dishonorable, even though it is clearly a type of manipulation.
We can all manipulate and we all start from a very young age to
learn how. In Verbal Aikido, we are clear about the intention to
manipulate a situation towards a positive or balanced outcome.
To summarize, if in most of your interactions you strive to influence
others towards a peaceful and positive outcome because it makes
you feel good, then you can very well be called a selfish (because
you’re only doing it so that you feel good) hypocritical (because
you’re not always able to do it) manipulator (because you intend to
guide others towards what you want). You may need to come to
terms with this before you go any further! Indeed, it may all just be a
question of perspective, relativity and intention, but the Aikidoist uses
these verbal stretching techniques to great advantage by applying
them to almost any seemingly negative accusation you can imagine.
The strength in knowing a weakness
If you have a physical weakness and are in a fight, it would only be
natural to shield or hide the weakness from the attacker. The thing is,
it’s usually a lot easier to recognize a ‘dodgy knee’ or a ‘bad back’
than it is to identify an emotional weakness such as ‘discomfort when
people criticize my work’ or ‘anger when my integrity is questioned’,
and so on.
Verbal Aikido doesn’t deal with physical attacks, and only very
rudimentarily with the movement and management of our physical
body. We therefore use the term emotional body and work on how
we manage it and shield it from harm. In the questionnaire below, not
only can you give your emotional body a ‘verbal immunity check-up’
to detect some of your weaknesses, but you can also either start to
learn how to shield them effectively or even better, heal them.
A verbal immunity check-up
Rate yourself as sincerely as possible in the following questionnaire
using the following marking system:
0 = it is never a problem,
1 = it would rarely get a reaction from me,
2 = it can be uncomfortable,
3 = it can be pretty irritating,
4 = it can really get on my nerves,
5 = it generally makes my blood boil.
Your reaction, either at the time of the attack or after the event, may
of course change depending on who the ‘someone’ below is. If
you’re unsure, just take it to be the first person you think of when you
read the suggestion and answer accordingly.
1. Someone expresses a dislike for a film/singer/sports team
that I really like…
2. Someone talks about a friend of mine or someone close to
me distastefully…
3. Someone regularly makes excuses for their incompetence…
4. Someone disagrees with a project or plan I spent time on,
without really understanding it…
5. Someone blames me for something I that didn’t do or that
wasn’t completely my fault…
6. Someone changes subjects to avoid answering my
questions…
7. Someone criticizes my physical appearance (body shape,
hair, clothes, accessories, etc.)…
8. Someone criticizes my work…
9. Someone tries to imitate mockingly the way I say or do
things…
10. Someone calls me insulting names…
11. Someone laughs condescendingly at remarks that I make…
12. Someone tries to prove that my position or idea is not
valid…
13. Someone criticizes an accomplishment or creation of mine
(an award, a child, etc.)…
14. Someone insinuates I’m not who I actually am…
15. Someone changes my words around to make me look bad…
16. Someone criticizes the things I believe in…
17. Someone compares me to another person …
18. Someone makes a negative judgment on my values or
actions …
 19. Someone talks about things I’ve done but that I just want to
forget…
20. Someone attempts to humiliate me…
If you scored 0-33:
Your Inner Smile is already considerably well-developed. This will
serve you immensely in defusing most situations. It would
nevertheless be worthwhile noting your highest scoring situations to
be able to anticipate attacks in these areas. Use the exercises in
chapter 7 to increase your immunity to them.
If you scored 34-66:
You have developed a means to remain relatively serene when
faced with many verbal attacks. However, the situations that scored
the highest, need awareness and protection – take note of them.
They can be worked on with a partner in sparring in order to develop
a shielding strategy and decrease the impact of such an attack.
If you scored 67 or more:
There are many ways to reduce the irritations and their intensity, and
to take control of the way you react to a given attack. The bonus
chapter, at the end of this volume, is a source of some practical and
easy-to-implement tools that can empower you to take the bite out of
your reactions. You should also take note of the highest scoring
situations from the questionnaire – they can be worked on in the
practical sparring exercise later on. You can also take note of the
situations that scored the lowest, and use them as your target for the
level of ‘orange eyes’ serenity that you aim for with the other
difficulties.

Summary of this chapter

- The more you develop your Inner Smile the less effort you will
require in Steps 2 and 3 to balance an attack (i.e. reaching Ai-ki).
- Awareness and control of breathing is a powerful ally when
developing the Inner Smile as it stimulates our capacity to convert
our automatic reactions to conscious ones.
- Visualizing a picture of yourself smiling and ‘placing’ it inside you is
a means to quickly develop your Inner Smile.
- Take almost any insult or negative criticism that you know of and
play with it until you find a perspective that takes away the impact;
this exercise develops verbal dexterity and shielding strategy.
- The attacks you react to most vehemently are the ones that
indicate your weaknesses. Awareness is a primary stage in dealing
with them; after this has been acquired you can start to shield or heal
them.
 4. Accompanying

“The power to question is the basis of all human progress” ~ Indira

Gandhi
The second step in Verbal Aikido can be said to consist of two parts,
but performing the first part effectively (accompanying an attack) can
often leave the second part (destabilizing the attacker) unnecessary.
For example, if someone is attacking you and is expecting either a
typical counterattack or a back-down reaction, then a response that
accompanies them in their attack instead of ‘fight or flight’, can
quickly destabilize them.
Attacker: “You managers are all the same; you’re only interested in
what’s on your own agenda!”
Aikidoist: “[…] I think I understand what you’re trying to say. […] Go
on.”
Being able to detect when an attacker has been destabilized and
knowing what to do with it is covered in chapter 5. In this chapter,
although some of the techniques described may indeed destabilize,
the essential skill aimed at is strongly linked to the Aikido movement:
‘Irimi’.
Irimi (or ‘entering’) deals with head-on attacks by sliding to the side,
entering into a zone or position where the blow is avoided. It brings
the central zone of the Aikidoist into close proximity with that of the
attacker. One of the results of this move is that it forces the attacker
to change direction if he intends to continue the attack. Physically
speaking, it is notably more difficult to attack someone who is
standing by your side or behind you, and facing in the same direction
as you, than it is to attack someone who is directly opposite you.
This is also true when dealing with a verbal attack; if you remain in a
face-to-face opposing position to your attacker, it is considerably
easier for them to continue their attack than if you position yourself
non-opposingly.
Morihei Ueshiba explains in his poem:
As soon as
The enemy before me
Attacks with a sword,
I am already
Standing behind him.
Remember that with Irimi, we are neither attacking nor accepting the
attack. One of the great mistakes made in verbal exchanges is the
sterile pursuit of trying to convince an attacker of your point of view.
By neither counter-attacking with your opinions, nor submitting to
those of the attacker, you may destabilize your attacker sooner than
you think! In order to reach a point of ‘controlled’ destabilization, the
Aikidoist needs to voluntarily accompany the attacker, and allow the
force of the attack itself to create the imbalance.
Protected empathy
Empathy has been, and continues to be defined in various different
terms. American social psychologists Daniel Batson describes it
most simply as “a motivation oriented towards the other”, Heinz
Kohut, Austrian-born developer of Self-Psychology terms it as the
“capacity to think and feel oneself into the inner life of another
person”, while philosopher Khen Lampert explains “[Empathy] is
what happens when we leave our own bodies… and find ourselves,
either momentarily or for a longer period of time in the mind of the
other. We observe reality through her eyes, feel her emotions, share
in her pain.”
The concept of protected empathy in Verbal Aikido deals with the
cognitive part of empathy rather than affective part of it. That is to
say, protected empathy aims to sincerely understand and recognize
what the attacker is saying, thinking or feeling, while avoiding being
drawn into an emotional or judgmental position. The ‘protected’ part
also concerns fostering the blameless belief that one’s objective is
not to ‘fix’ the other person’s pain; we are simply using empathy to
underline the importance of the other’s views and keep a positive
energy channel open.
Entering into the attacker’s mind-space in this way, whether with
protected empathy or otherwise, often creates a destabilization. The
element of surprise is often the reason for this and therefore the risk
of a continued negative reaction remains present, thus the Inner
Smile ([…]) needs to be kept active to anticipate a further attack. For
example:
Attacker: “You’ve always been jealous of me!”
Aikidoist: “[…] What do you mean?”
Attacker: “You know exactly what I mean! Don’t try to deny it!”
Aikidoist: “OK. […] Well, when do you think the jealousy started?”
As you may notice, the Aikidoist is neither agreeing nor disagreeing
with the attacker therefore, in this example, neither submitting nor
entering into conflict. The search to understand the other’s point of
view must be sincere and even though destabilization is often the
result of Irimi, it is not effective long term if destabilization is the
objective. This means that if you immediately try to counter an attack
with a response that seems to search for understanding but is not
aimed at truly understanding their point of view, an Ai-ki cannot be
performed and the attack often escalates further, or ends with a
negative emotional result. For example:
Attacker: “You’ve always been jealous of me!”
Untrained target: “What?”
Attacker: “You know exactly what I mean! Don’t try to deny it!”
Untrained target: “Since when?”
Attacker: “So now you’re calling me a liar?”
Untrained target: “What on earth are you talking about?”
Due to the opposing position it presents, defensive questioning is
considered to be partaking in the combat and therefore not taking
the position of protected empathy. The Aikidoist is encouraged to
search continuously for his or her own meaning of empathy to
enable a greater understanding of both the practice and purpose of
it.
The power of questions
Aside from the various forms of verbal attacks covered in chapter 1,
we can also observe three different basic shapes of attacks:
affirmations, negations and questions. Affirmations (e.g. “This
presentation is terrible!”) and negations (e.g. “This presentation is
just not good enough!”) are considered to be declarative attacks,
whereas questions – even the rhetoric ones (e.g. “What sort of a
presentation do you call this?”), are classed as interrogative attacks.
Equally, in responding to an attack, you can observe affirmations,
negations and questions, for example:
Attacker: “This presentation is terrible!”
Untrained target A: “I put a lot of work into that!” (affirmation):
Untrained target B: “No it’s not!” (negation)
Untrained target C: “What are you going on about?” (question)
In contrast to these generic reactions, the use of Irimi in response to
an attack can be categorized into four basic shapes[9]:
- Declarative or rhetoric Irimi
- Reformulative Irimi
- Directive Irimi
- Interrogative Irimi
The use of these various forms of Irimi aims at diminishing the
strength of an attack, or at the very least, avoiding escalation:
Attacker: “This report is just awful!”
Aikidoist: “[…] Just awful you say…” (reformulative)
Attacker: “Yes, it’s really not up to spec at all!”
Aikidoist: “[…] Do go on.” (directive)
Attacker: “Well for a start you put the wrong dates and some of the
names are misspelt…”
Aikidoist: “[…] I see, so what else do you think would make this
report a quality one?” (interrogative)
The Aikidoist in this example skillfully converted the critical judgment
(“awful”) into more manageable facts with the first two ‘moves’, and
then opened the attacker up for a destabilization with the
interrogative Irimi. There is more about destabilizing in the next
chapter, but it is essential to aim to do so relatively early on,
especially if the Aikidoist notices that the type of Irimi being used is
not enough to destabilize. The exchange can become sterile and/or
counter-productive if you just accompany the attack without
progressing to a destabilization.
To use Irimi successfully we must consider that ‘everyone’s point of
view is valid’, which helps us develop a sincere desire to see things
from an attacker’s position. Questions are one of the more powerful
tools we have that can help us reach this objective. The attacker is
seen as a partner, and his attack can be perceived as a useful
means to express or resolve something peacefully and
constructively. Once the Aikidoist has understood the importance
and usefulness of the attack, it is often the use of well-oriented
questions that will give him a positional advantage in leading the
exchange to a positive outcome.
Lead or be led – avoiding justification
When someone attacks you in an unprovoked manner it is actually
rare for them to have taken the time to decide on the outcome of
their attack, but even if they have, it is quite unlikely that their
intention is one of obtaining peace, balance and harmony. As an
Aikidoist, this is a direction that you can continually aim for when
confronted with an attack. Therefore the sooner you take the lead,
the more chance you will have to reach the outcome that leaves both
with a positive emotional result.
One of the hardest things that most new Aikidoists struggle with is
liberating themselves from an automatic justification defense and the
need to systematically counter an accusation or blame. If I accuse
you of something, it’s pretty standard that you start to justify, explain,
deny or refute it, thus entering into the ‘game’ of conflict. You may
have seen or experienced a badminton match where one of the
players gains an advantageous position in a rally, continually
‘smashing’ the shuttlecock, while the opponent recovers the smash,
only to be on the receiving end of yet another smash. Well this is
what the automatic justification defense looks like to an observer.
The defender is just playing into the attacker’s game, giving them the
opportunity to smash another accusation down on them.
Attacker: “You always forget my birthday!”
Untrained target: “I don’t always forget it, it was just this once!”
Attacker: “What about last year when you rang me two days late, you
call that ‘remembering’!?”
Untrained target: “Well I’m sorry, but I’ve been really busy with my
new job and I…”
Attacker: “You’re always too busy with something!”
Untrained target: “Oh my God, well I’m not too busy now! Look I’m
doing my best!”
Attacker: “You only ever think about yourself, whatever you have to
do comes before everyone else…”
It was the psychologist Jeff Daly who said “Two monologues do not
make a dialogue”, and when we can recognize the sterility of an
exchange such as the one above, it may be appropriate to take a
step back and consider the pertinence of this quote! Verbal Aikido
training concentrates on avoiding this initial reaction and
implementing the Inner Smile instead of justification. This in turn
enables the secondary reaction to be an accompanying one, with a
view to taking the lead, rather than being led into what regularly turns
out to be a lose-lose game with a very negative emotional result for
both.
In the following example you can observe how an Aikidoist
destabilizes an attacker with the use of various forms of Irimi.
Henceforth, a destabilization in an exchange is indicated by [***]:
Attacker: “You always forget my birthday!”
Aikidoist: “[…] You seem really upset.” (declarative)
Attacker: “Of course I’m upset, it’s like you only ever think of yourself
and nobody else is important to you!”
Aikidoist: “[…] OK, I can see why this is important to you.”
(reformulative)
Attacker: “Well it is! How could you forget? I always remember your
birthday!”
Aikidoist: “[…] Yes it’s quite exceptional really, how do you manage
to always remember everyone’s birthdays?” (interrogative)
Attacker: “[***] (destabilized) Well, I put all the birthdays I know in my
diary with a reminder a week beforehand.”
Aikidoist: “Wow that is a good idea[10], if only everyone was as
thoughtful as you! So tell me […], what would make us feel better
about this right now?”
The final sentence is a demonstration of a positive lift to reach Ai-ki,
which is covered more extensively in chapter 6. You may have
noticed that the point in the exchange when the ‘leadership’ tips, is
when the Aikidoist starts to ask sincere questions. Taking leadership
of the exchange in this way, with the sincere desire to accompany
your partner’s position has an unquestionable ability to destabilize in
many situations! If you feel ready or curious to try this out now, find a
partner and skip ahead to exercises 5 and 6 in chapter 7.

Summary of this chapter

- Accompanying an attack, or ‘Irimi’ brings the Aikidoist out of an
opposing position, and into one of a sincere desire to understand the
position of the attacker.
- This accompanying move can often be enough to destabilize an
attack (indicated by “[***]”).
- The Inner Smile needs to remain active to anticipate subsequent
attacks.
- Protected empathy enables the Aikidoist to understand an
attacker’s view point without judging or becoming emotionally drawn
in.
- The Aikidoist must move swiftly to a controlled destabilization if the
Irimi is not sufficient.
- The leadership in an exchange often tips with the use of sincere
questions.
 5. Destabilizing

“The greatest thing in this world is not so much where we stand, as

in what direction we are moving.” ~ Goethe
There are a few ways to understand what a destabilizing move is,
but essentially you are leading the attacker to a point of imbalance.
Picture if you will, what this would be like in a physical attack – the
attacker may throw a punch, and the martial aikido practitioner
rotates in a way that:
- avoids receiving the punch,
- positions himself to face in the same direction as the attacker,
- allows the force of the attack to continue until the attacker loses
balance.
In essence, the technique is the same with Verbal Aikido. As
mentioned in the previous chapter, very often simply receiving the
attack and allowing the attack to continue in a controlled fashion,
without counter-attacking, is enough to allow an attacker to ‘lose
balance’.
From another point of view, if someone is making an expressive or
passionate verbal attack, they are more likely to be using an
emotional part of their brain (a.k.a. ‘right brain’) rather than the
analytical or logical part (a.k.a. ‘left brain’). If you can cause your
attacker to switch from a right-brain stream of thought to a left-brain
stream, you may visibly notice a destabilization in the attacker. It
usually comes in the form of verbal hesitation and/or facial
expression and gestures changing significantly.
On the other hand, if the attacker seems to be unnervingly logical or
cold in their attack, causing them to momentarily access their right
brain by asking them how they feel about the whole thing may well
bring about a similar destabilization. In martial aikido, all the
techniques are defined in terms of yin and yang. It is the interplay of
these that is used to create the destabilization; when the opponent
attacks with yang, the Aikidoist uses yin to be successful, and
inversely so. O-Sensei wrote:
When your opponent
Shows yang in his
Right hand
Guide him with
The yin of your left hand
Simply put, if you can make your attacker stop to change their mode
of judgment, even if it is momentarily, then you have at the very least
slowed their attack by destabilizing them. This is not to say that the
attack will not continue, but you may have gained some essential
time to enable you to structure your third step – i.e. giving them an
opportunity to save face.
Attacker: “If you were looking, you might have seen it!
Aikidoist: “[…] It seems that you were looking, right?”
Attacker: “Yes!”
Aikidoist: “I was feeling in fact. What are you feeling right now?”
Attacker: “[***] (destabilized) What?”
Aikidoist: “Maybe we’re both feeling a little confused now, huh?”
As mentioned previously, during Verbal Aikido workshops, a student
will occasionally forget the non-competitive philosophy of the art, and
ask: “If we have destabilized the attacker, surely we can just leave
them destabilized”, or “If they started the attack, don’t they really
deserve to get hurt?” However the Aikidoist must strive to give the
attacker several opportunities to save face for the following reasons:
- If the attacker is ‘let fall’ or left in a destabilized position, this often
generates within the attacker a desire for reprisal or to ‘settle the
scores’ at a later date.
- If you find yourself in a similar situation wherein the person you are
exchanging with feels attacked and they move to destabilize you,
would you not like to be given an opportunity to save face?
- One of the positive side-effects of demonstrating a gracious verbal
maneuver without the intention of shaming, humiliating, or degrading
the attacker, is that this gracious attitude may ‘rub off’ on the
attacker.
Destabilizing can be seen as a sliding point going in the opposite
direction to that of an anger escalation – you know, that point in an
exchange where you lose your calm and join in the conflict game. By
choosing to destabilize, you are in fact sliding into a neutral state,
instead of adding to the potential negative emotional result of the
exchange, so that you can follow up with the Ai-ki ‘masterstroke’. Of
course sometimes a simple Irimi isn’t enough to cause a
destabilization, so more powerful means may need to be used.
The invisible onlooker
Have you ever had an ‘out-of-body’ experience? Seen yourself doing
something as if it was someone else looking on? Well this is what
the invisible onlooker is about: giving the attacker the opportunity to
see the exchange from a third person’s point of view. For example:
Attacker: “I’ve had it up to here with you! The only way I could ever
work with you again is if someone put a gun to my head!”
Aikidoist: “[…] Excuse me, what’s going on right here?”
Attacker: “What’s going on is I’m fed up with your attitude!”
Aikidoist: “[…] Look at us! You’d swear we were an old couple
bickering the way we go on half the time…”
Attacker: “[***]” (destabilized)
The Aikidoist has caused the attacker to see things from another
perspective, to think about something differently thus blocking the
attack. The example above uses a humorous hint to the perspective
that also surreptitiously unifies the people involved. More often than
not, this technique of getting the attacker to simply see the situation
with a different perspective has the effect of throwing them off
balance. This important yet momentary imbalance is often quite
simple to detect if you pay attention to the change in eye position of
the attacker – their eyes will invariably move from a direct forward
position to an alternate one. Once you detect this, it’s time to move
in with Step 3.
Remember that the objective is not to distract or divert their
attention, as we are still dealing with the matter in hand. In the
example above, the Aikidoist draws attention to the communication
‘frame’, or the way in which the exchange is proceeding, yet lets him
save face by not singling him out in an accusation. If the Aikidoist
had said “You sound like a bitter old woman the way you go on!” the
exchange would have undoubtedly escalated.
One of the advantages of this particular technique is that it can be
effectively used even if the Aikidoist has fallen into a counter-attack
mode and got involved in a conflict. It nevertheless requires him to
find the Inner Smile or at least a certain presence of mind to bring
the invisible onlooker into play. That is to say, at any given moment
during a conflict, you may realize that you have the choice to react
differently (using the space between stimulus and response), and
decide that your intention is to receive, reorient and rebalance.
Inserting this technique, even at a late stage in a conflict can
successfully disarm an attack and calm an escalating situation.
Once the Aikidoist has drawn a frame around the situation, it can be
useful to create an outlet for a new direction with the exchange, for
example:
Attacker: “You really haven’t a clue, do you?”
Aikidoist: “[…] Where is this coming from?”
Attacker: “I mean what; you’ve been in this job for over a year now
and you’re still messing things up!”
Aikidoist: “[…] Wow, anyone watching us would think we were having
a lovers’ tiff! So where’s this going to now?”
Attacker: “[***] Um, well…”
The Aikidoist has no control over what has happened up to the time
of the attack so, using the invisible onlooker tactic, he summarizes
the scene into a situational view of the present. He destabilizes the
attacker further by bringing conscious awareness that the exchange
can now take a variety of possible directions, and that an outcome
can be pre-determined.
Searching for meaning
There are so many highly subjective words out there that it’s quite
surprising that we are able to understand each other at all
sometimes. Fortunately, and because very few people have given
deep thought to the meaning of most of the words they use, we can
use this to our advantage in the process of destabilizing an attacker.
Ernest Hemingway is quoted as saying “All my life I’ve looked at
words as though I were seeing them for the first time”, and it’s this
humble yet curious view of words that the Aikidoist can use to
destabilize an attack. This technique is called a meaning prod, and
here’s an example:
Attacker: “You really should do something about your weight; you’ll
never get a boyfriend if you look like that!”
Aikidoist: “[…] How do you mean?”
Attacker: “I mean it just shows a total lack of self-discipline and
there’s nothing more off-putting than that!”
Aikidoist: “[…] What do you mean by self-discipline?”
Attacker: “I mean, uh… [***]”
As you may observe, meaning prods are a more elaborate form of
Irimi, entering into the point of view of the attacker and quickly
determining from their attack, the words that are either the most
subjective or the most difficult to explain, i.e. a possible weakness. In
many martial arts too, to escape a wristlock, if you press against the
weakest part of the hold by twisting your arm toward the thumb, you
are liberated quite easily.
The Aikidoist must be actively listening to the words the attacker is
using in order to determine which one or ones would be appropriate
for a meaning prod. This illustrates again how using Irimi can provide
the Aikidoist something to ‘grab on to’ for destabilization purposes.
Once the Aikidoist has taken the lead of the exchange this way, he
may continue to find the weaknesses in the attacker’s comments.
Attacker: “That’s the last time I’m going anywhere with you!”
Aikidoist: “[…] What makes you say that?”
Attacker: “For a start you spent the whole night talking to everyone
about your new job!”
Aikidoist: “[…] It sounds like there’s something else that bothered
you… (silence)”
Attacker: “Well of course, I mean you just totally ignored me until it
was time to go, it’s like you don’t respect me at all!”
Aikidoist: “[…] Hmm, I can see why you might feel that way. […]
Look, it sounds like it’s time for us to have a good chat about
‘respect’, what do you think?”
Attacker: “[***] Well, yes…”
You may observe from this exchange how the Aikidoist:
- uses pausing and silence to avoid entering into conflict and calm
the attack,
- uses active listening centering on certain phrases (‘for a start’) or
words (‘respect’) to further accompany the attack and understand the
attacker’s point of view,
- covers the attackers senses globally in the third ‘move’ by using
key words: ‘feel’, ‘look’, ‘sound’ and ‘think’ collectively.
There is a specifically-designed exercise (N°4) to help develop this
capacity in chapter 7. Essentially, using responses such as the ones
above, and “I’m not sure I understand what you mean by ‘X’ yet…”,
or “I’m trying to understand what you’re getting at when you say
‘X’…” enables the Aikidoist to perform Irimi with a meaning prod and
opens the attacker up to a destabilization.
Understanding transfer
I used to work in an office with a small team, one of whom was a
particularly competent administration manager. We got on very well,
but one morning, her response to my “Good morning” greeting, was
a very curt and negative “Sure, it’s a good morning alright!”, and she
continued into her office without a further word. At coffee break, she
seemed back to her usual chirpy self, so I asked her if she’d slept
OK. “Yes, I slept fine, but I couldn’t believe it when my husband
came down for breakfast, he was in the worst mood and started
barking at me as soon as I said good morning to him!”
Clearly not the best way to start the day, but I smiled to myself as I
recognized that she was simply regurgitating a certain amount of
what she had swallowed that morning. Unfortunately this is too often
the case in aggressive behavior; someone who is a victim of an act
of aggression continues the ‘chain’ and unknowingly relays the
negativity onto the next person that is open enough to receive it.
Most people don’t realize when they’re being tyrannical, abusive or
even just unpleasant in their approach, this also goes for Aikidoists!
The good news is that the knowledge of this ‘transferring’ trait in
human behavior can also be a powerful way to destabilize an attack,
although particular attention must be paid to the intonation used
when incorporating it into a defense strategy, or it may be perceived
as an attack. This defense approach is called a subject transfer and
here’s an example of how it can work:
Attacker: “I don’t know what you see in him!”
Aikidoist: “[…] This is my boyfriend you’re talking about?”
Attacker: “Yeah, I mean, why are you still with him? Are you just
afraid of being alone or what?”
Aikidoist: “[…] I think I see where you’re coming from. […] How are
things going with you and Richard?”
Attacker: “[***] Emm, not so well in fact, it’s like we don’t have
anything in common anymore…”
Being able to react in a calm way to an attack on a loved one
requires quite a high level of serenity and confidence. In this
example and thanks to a heightened Inner Smile, the Aikidoist
managed to rapidly discern the attacker’s transfer and genuinely
gain an understanding of where she was ‘coming from’.
There is a story about a man who had heard of Buddha’s reputation
and traveled from afar to test him. When he arrived he approached
Buddha and began shouting abuse at him.
“Who do you think you are teaching others? You’re just as stupid as
everyone else, nothing but a fake!” The man continued to hurl insults
at him but Buddha remained unmoved. Once the man’s
offensiveness started to run out of steam, Buddha finally said “May I
ask you a question?”
The man agreed and said “Well, what?”
“When someone offers you a gift and you decline to accept it, to
whom does the gift then belong?” he asked.
The man thought for a second and replied “Well then it belongs to
the person who offered it.”
“That is correct,” he continued, “so if you have tried to give me
something that I refused to accept, to whom then does it belong?”
The man walked away.
~~~
One important difference between a physical attack and a verbal one
is that we can choose to let words hurt us or not. By refusing to
accept an attack, we can often see that it is the attacker who holds
the pain (negative charge) that he wishes to inflict or transfer
elsewhere (discharge). Using the techniques covered in the last two
chapters and any ideas you have of your own, you can now start
practicing the first two steps with the Irimi exercises in chapter 7.
Summary of this chapter
- If the accompaniment with Irimi is unsuccessful then a secondary
movement for Step 2 is required in order to create a destabilization.
- The movement of destabilization is essentially about causing an
imbalance in the attacker by getting him to shift his position, point of
view or style of judgment.
- These forms of destabilizing need to be subsequently rebalanced
to avoid any undesirable future attacks.
- The invisible onlooker technique consists of drawing attention to
the situation itself rather than focusing on the details that seem to be
causing the attack.
- An advanced form of Irimi is to use the meaning prod to question
the meaning of a specific word or phrase. The Aikidoist must develop
his active listening skills to use this technique effectively.
- It is natural for us to reproduce in some way what we have
experienced. The capacity to detect and underline when an attacker
is transferring in this way is another useful tool. Using the subject
transfer approach requires a high level of Inner Smile and
discernment.
- You can start practicing now.
 6. Saving grace

“Why prove to a man he is wrong? … he’ll resent your triumph. That

will make him strike back, but it will never make him want to change
his mind. A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion
still.” ~ Dale Carnegie
This third and final step in Verbal Aikido is about bringing the
attacker back to a level position, recovering equilibrium or Ai-ki,
which is the intention of the Aikidoist once any attack has started. To
give a physical comparison, it is like catching someone who is falling
off balance so that they don’t hurt themselves. In effect, it is the
attack that causes the initial imbalance; the Aikidoist simply
accompanies them and maybe gives an extra little nudge. So to
demonstrate goodwill, the Aikidoist is now about to grab hold of the
attacker to make sure they won’t receive an injury and get them
firmly back on their two feet.
Through this comparison we can also see that attempting to put Step
3 before Step 2, i.e. trying to rebalance a situation that has not yet
been destabilized, generates confusion and often escalates further
instead of becoming balanced. Proposing an Ai-ki when the attack is
in full swing often backfires, giving the attacker more ‘cannon fodder’
for his attack.
Indeed, to avoid harming an attacker is one of the underlying
principles in Aikido as a martial art. This principle is very present in
Verbal Aikido and one of the consequences it seems to provoke is
that a previously attacking person learns how to treat the Aikidoist.
To obtain the green belt, the novice Aikidoist is required to perform
an Ai-ki[11] three times consecutively, for the simple reason that, if
an attacker has been destabilized and rebalanced three times in a
short period of time, they will generally start to rethink their approach
and you may have thus started to alter their way of treating you.
This of course implies that performing Ai-ki just once on an attacker
may very well be insufficient to have an impact on their future
attitude, and unfortunately sometimes even three times or more may
still have no impact. The Aikidoist however, need not try insistently to
teach the attacker in question a lesson, but can be content that his
own energy is balanced, remembering that ‘True victory is victory
over self’. Thankfully though, in most cases, when Ai-ki has been
performed successfully on an individual a few successive times,
there is a noticeably positive evolution in the relationship.
When I start training with a group on a regular basis we usually start
off each session describing the different acts of aggression that the
students have encountered in the preceding couple of weeks; what’s
amusing is that after about three or four sessions, and once the
novices have started to get the hang of the concepts, the amount of
attacks they encounter drops significantly. Like magic! Well not
exactly magic, but clearly once the students have started to develop
the confidence that they have techniques and means to deal with
tyrannical personalities and/or aggressive remarks, they become
much less of a natural target for either of these. Dealing with a
difficult situation and feeling fear or worry about it will emit and
attract a certain energy – having the same situation and feeling hope
or confidence, emits and attracts another energy entirely!
Common ground
One of the reasons that conflicts escalate so quickly is because of
finger-pointing. Here’s an example of an exchange that escalated
quickly:
Attacker: “Late again!”
Untrained target: “Well you’re not exactly Mr. Punctual yourself!”
Attacker: “Yeah, yeah, so what was it this time, alarm clock never
went off or an alien abduction?”
Untrained target: “Hold on just a minute, at least it’s not as bad as
the time you turned up two hours late for the group trip and kept
everyone waiting!”
Attacker: “Yeah, well what about the time you completely forgot
about…?” (etc.)
Clearly, neither of the people involved have actually decided on a
positive outcome for this exchange, or if they have, they’re letting off
a little steam beforehand. When dealing with an accusation, the
counter-attack strategy is just as likely to obtain a negative emotional
result as a justification one, and is even more prone to an escalation.
But what’s similar in both these strategies is that they reinforce
difference – meaning that in retaliation to the accusatory ‘you’ attack,
using either ‘I’ (or ‘me’) for justification or ‘you’ for counter-
accusations, is simply insisting on an opposing point of view.
Grammatically speaking this is called using the first person singular
(‘I’, ‘me’, ‘my’, etc) and second person singular (‘you’, ‘your’, etc.)
forms. An Aikidoist’s way to find balance through the common
ground technique, is to deliberately use the first person plural form
(‘we’, ‘us’, ‘our’, etc.), and in fact any word or expression that brings
both people into a common view: together, both, jointly, everyone,
mutual, as one, each of us, collectively, combined effort, … Any
words that aim to eliminate difference and promote unity are ones
that will facilitate saving the face of the attacker and contribute
towards a potentially positive outcome.
Aikidoist: “How was your weekend?”
Attacker: “Nothing special, you?”
Aikidoist: “I went to the U2 concert, it was awesome!”
Attacker: “That Bono is such a fool!”
Aikidoist: “[…] What makes you feel that way?”
Attacker: “Seriously, who does he think he is with his orange
sunglasses and his ‘I’m-gonna-save-the-world’ attitude, not to
mention his whiny voice!”
Aikidoist: “[…] Sounds like no matter what he does it would bother
you! I think I know what you mean.”
Attacker: “[***] You do?”
Aikidoist: “Yeah I reckon everyone’s got someone like that – for me
it’s Celine Dion, I mean she could probably find the solution to world
hunger and my hair would still stand on end just thinking about her,
you know what I mean?”
Attacker: “[***] Heh, yeah…”
[- - -] (Ai-ki)
This specific attack wasn’t made directly at the Aikidoist, but many
aggressive types choose to belittle or devalue a known fondness in
order to create discomfort, give themselves more value, or simply
out of habit. By finding common ground with the attacker’s sentiment
rather than his attitude towards the object of the attack, thus
separating the two elements, the Aikidoist aims at complicity and
successfully creates an Ai-ki.
Attacker: “Another screw up I see!”
Aikidoist: “[…] What is it that you see?”
Attacker: “Just look at the way you’ve made a total mess of this file!”
Aikidoist: “[…] Well we’re both looking at the file, so let’s find the
mess!”
Attacker: “[***] Yes, well, clearly the formatting needs to be reworked
and there are a few typos on the first page…”
Aikidoist: “I see now, OK tell you what, let’s put our heads together
on this one for just a minute and see if we can spot them all!”
Attacker: “[***] Really? OK, why not?”
[- - -] (Ai-ki)
In this case, the Aikidoist has taken into consideration the pertinence
of the message, but at the same time he ‘taught’ the attacker how to
present the message in a factual and constructive manner. Using the
first person plural in this manner has tremendous effect and almost
automatically shifts the attacker’s position from accusatory to
collaborative. It’s also commonly used in combination with the
invisible onlooker technique, i.e. “We’re speaking pretty loudly about
this; maybe we should tone it down a little?” – the results of these
techniques speak for themselves.
In theory and in practice, if the Irimi has been accomplished
successfully, seeing things from the attacker’s perspective enables
the Aikidoist to assess the situation with enough information to
propose a direction that may interest both to move towards together.
The more the attacker senses a common starting place, a common
goal, a common problem or any common point you can find, the
easier it will be to accompany him towards Ai-ki ([- - -]).
Indirect and self-deprecating humor
“I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut. I
don’t need a receipt for the doughnut. I’ll just give you the money,
and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don’t need to
bring ink and paper into this. I just can’t imagine a scenario where I
would have to prove that I bought a doughnut!” ~ Mitch Hedberg
Many stand-up comedians use ‘perspective humor’ to great effect by
getting audiences to take a distance and another look at the ‘normal’
things in their lives differently. It is this cause (or effect) of laughter –
the one that denotes an alternative viewing of a situation – that
Aikidoists often aim to achieve in order to rebalance a situation and
let the attacker save face.
Have you ever walked into a lamppost or a glass door and laughed
immediately? Some people manage to do it after a few seconds,
some a while later looking back on it, and others never do… In fact
it’s almost impossible to laugh at something while it’s still painful and
you haven’t managed to take a distance from it, but being able to
laugh at it indicates that you have.
Attacker: “(furious) I’ve a bone to pick with you!”
Aikidoist: “[…] OK I really want to hear what you have to say, but just
hold on a second. (picks up phone and simulates answering a call) -
Sorry can’t speak right now honey, something really important has
just come up. Call you later OK?”
Attacker: “[***] Finished?”
Aikidoist: “Now, where were we? Oh yes, […] we were about to have
a really big fight!”
Attacker: “[***] Yes (actually smiles)…”
[- - -] (temporary Ai-ki – continued later in this chapter)
The Aikidoist deftly dodges the bullet here, simultaneously
interrupting the attacker’s conflict expectations and reassuring him of
the importance of his problem. While the problem was not
completely resolved with this move, the exchange that followed
became considerably more balanced and manageable as a result. It
can be relatively delicate to use humor, so to reduce the risk of the
attacker feeling he is being counter-attacked, the Aikidoist is advised
to use this sort of indirect humor or a self-depreciating humorous
remark, such as that used in the next exchange. It is recommended
to avoid the use of the second person singular or plural (‘you’) in a
humorous retort (more on repartee in volume 2).
Attacker: “I just don’t get why you’re always going on about your job!”
Aikidoist: “[…] What would you like to know?”
Attacker: “I don’t see what the big deal is. It sounds pretty boring if
you ask me!”
Aikidoist: “[…] Well, what do you see?
Attacker: “[***] You’re just a glorified postman as far as I can make
out!”
Aikidoist: “Well I’m sure we all have things that we could research
into for a greater understanding… Take me for example; I used to
think that an ‘underwriter’ was the person who wrote all the footnotes
in books. I always wondered why the author didn’t do it himself...”
[- - -] (Ai-ki)
It’s important to understand that although certain attacks come with a
pretense of ‘trying to understand’ this is often not the case. The
attacker is not genuinely attempting to understand the point of view
of the other, if he was, the questions would have a more open and a
less aggressive or irritated tone. The playful verbosity in Aikidoist’s
response can be helpful in orienting the exchange to humorous
Attacker: “Seriously, you’ve never heard of William Deming!?”
Aikidoist: “[…] It sounds like someone you think I should know
about.”
Attacker: “Well of course, I mean everybody does!”
Aikidoist: “[…] When did you first find out about him?”
Attacker: “[***]Em… about a year ago…”
Aikidoist: “[…] Hmm, maybe I’m just an Irish potato after all… not
cultivated enough!”
[- - -] (Ai-ki)
If both Aikidoist and his partner laugh at the same thing, we can
consider that an Ai-ki has been reached. It is not uncommon that
some novice Aikidoists indicate their ‘lack of a sense of humor’ to be
a barrier in using this form of defense. However, we can develop our
sense of humor with intent and practice, just like we can develop any
of the other senses that we have.
Using negatives
One of the most effective ways of leading an exchange towards a
positive outcome is to deliberately introduce positive terms. It’s quite
easy to do with attacks that are accusatory; very quickly the Aikidoist
will pick out the negative accusations and ‘use’ them by inversing the
polarity. This means that the Aikidoist uses the time gained with the
destabilization to access his internal antonym finder (to find words
that signify the opposite of the words used by the attacker) and pull
the outcome ‘up’ instead of letting it be dragged down. The positive
lift technique is then used to reach Ai-ki, as illustrated in the example
below:
Attacker: “You’re such a let down!”
Aikidoist: “[…] Please, do elaborate.”
Attacker: “You did ‘x’, you forgot ‘y’ and there are ‘z’s all over the
place now.”
Aikidoist: “[…] OK, I can understand why you’d be disappointed with
me.”
Attacker: “[***] Of course I am, who wouldn’t be?”
Aikidoist: “[…] I see, well how could we possibly get us both back to
being satisfied?”
Attacker: “[***] Satisfied? Well I’d be satisfied if you stopped making
so many mistakes!”
Aikidoist: “[…] Right, but I’m new here and I’d really like to know how
you all manage to be so consistently accurate all the time?”
Attacker: “[***] Has nobody shown you the Event Log on the server
yet? It’s impossible to mess up if you follow it properly…”
[- - -]
The internal acronym finder is used to convert the ‘let down’ used by
the attacker into a desirable positive direction with ‘satisfy’, and then
gives ‘being consistently accurate’ as an antonym for ‘making
mistakes’, thus establishing a clear and positively-stated means to
reach the positive outcome. Three successful and successive
destabilizations take the punch out of most persistent attacks. If you
compare the tone and content of even the most hostile initial attack
statement to a statement by the same attacker given after three
destabilizations, you’ll understand the difference between an
unbalanced exchange and one where a balanced exchange has
started to become possible.
Moreover, combining the common ground technique with the use of
positive bind choices, the Aikidoist can enable the attacker to save
face by giving him back the impression of power and channeling the
exchange toward a positive outcome. For example, after a
destabilization the exchange might continue something like this
(contd.):
Aikidoist: “Now, where were we? […] Oh yes, we were about to have
a really big fight!”
Attacker: “[***] Yes (actually smiles)…”
Aikidoist: “OK, what we can do is either have a coffee together now
and find a way to work this out, or resolve it before we leave this
evening when we’ll both be more relaxed[12]. Maybe we can pick
each others brains instead of picking our bones!”
Attacker: “Well it’s pretty urgent in fact”
Aikidoist: “Do you think we’re going to have that big fight now?”
(smiling)
Attacker: “No, no, it’s just that I thought you were meant to…”
[- - -]
Here the Aikidoist combines the three techniques described in this
chapter and was careful not to smile before the tension had left the
exchange. If you haven’t jumped on to the virtual tatami (any
environment that enables you to exchange with a partner) to start
sparring yet, now is the time to put the three steps into practice with
the exercises in the next chapter.

Summary of this chapter

- Restoring balance (Ai-ki) is the intention of the Aikidoist once an
attack has begun.
- Repeatedly reaching Ai-ki ([- - -]) with a specific attacker often has
the effect of improving the balance in the relationship.
- The emotional position you have and emit when dealing with a
persistent conflictual situation has an impact on the reactions you
attract.
- A powerful way to find Ai-ki through common ground is to
deliberately introduce first person plural words (us, we, together, and
so on).
- When used appropriately, indirect humor is an influential means of
eliminating an aggressive attack and reaching Ai-ki.
- Sense of humor can be worked on and developed just like any of
our other senses.
- Using a combination of the attacker’s negative vocabulary and your
own capacity to deduce its opposites (internal antonym finder), you
can subtly introduce positives and create a greater potential for a
positive outcome.
- The positive bind technique consists in proposing various choices,
all of which have a potentially positive outcome. The attacker saves
face as he is given the power to choose the direction, and regains a
sense of mastering the exchange.

7. Review, practice and assess

“The key to growth is the introduction of higher dimensions of
consciousness into our awareness.” ~ Lao Tzu
In the first pages of this chapter you’ll be able to review the
fundamental stages and theoretical concepts in the art of Verbal
Aikido. In the second section you’ll find a selection of exercises to be
used with a partner that, if carried out progressively and correctly,
will enable you to progress toward the level of green belt in the art.
Finally there is a self-analysis exercise and brief questionnaire that
will help you determine your effectiveness in each area of Verbal
Aikido.
Theory
What you need to remember about Step 1:
- The first step, the Inner Smile, is by far the most important of all
three.
- At it’s highest level of practice, the Inner Smile alone may enable
Ai-ki.
- It can be invoked several times or used constantly during an
exchange.
- Controlled breathing and visualization are some common means to
access the Inner Smile.
- Knowing your weaknesses and being able to anticipate an attack
increases your capacity to find and maintain your Inner Smile.
What you need to remember about Step 2:
- Accompanying to destabilize is the second step and is viewed as a
valid part of Verbal Aikido only if the practitioner has the firm
intention of subsequently balancing the exchange.
- If Step 1 alone has not successfully dealt with an attack, Step 2 is
engaged as a means to open a space in the exchange to insert Ai-ki.
- Instead of entering into conflict, the Aikidoist attempts to
understand the position of the attacker by entering into his mind
space (Irimi) to sincerely identify with his point of view.
- If Irimi is not enough to destabilize the attacker, the Aikidoist may
then proceed to ‘tip’ the attacker over by calmly leading the
exchange.
- The Aikidoist can often detect a destabilization by observing the
facial expressions (especially the eyes) of the attacker or noticing
verbal hesitation, and must then swiftly engage Step 3.
What you need to remember about Step 3:
- The final step in Verbal Aikido is reaching Ai-ki or ‘energy balance’,
which restores a balance or stability to the exchange.
- It may be necessary to perform an Ai-ki a few times before the
exchange reaches a point of equilibrium.
- In offering the attacker an opportunity to save face, the Aikidoist
proposes a win-win solution to the exchange.
- Finding common ground, indirect humor, and channeling negativity
to a positively-oriented direction are universal strategies used in this
step.
- Successfully performing Ai-ki on an attacker regularly has a
positive impact on the dynamics of the relationship, allowing
exchanges to take place that have a more peaceful or positive
energy.
What you need to remember about the art as a whole:
- Verbal Aikido is one of the many ways to deal with verbal attacks,
and just one of the branches in the global practice of the Art of
Peace.
- The practice of this specific branch of the art enables you to choose
and apply the most appropriate reaction or worthwhile strategy when
faced with conflict, and helps you progress with deliberate intention
toward the emotional result that is most beneficial for you.
- The more you know about yourself: your weaknesses, your
reactions and your mood variations, the better equipped you are to
be able to deal with an attack – the way to be ‘victorious’ when
confronted with conflict is to demonstrate to yourself the mastery you
have of your attitude and actions.
- Practicing Verbal Aikido allows us to emerge peacefully and unhurt
from a conflict without having entered into it – by receiving,
reorienting and rebalancing an attack the Aikidoist ‘wins’ without
fighting or competing.
- Grasping and practicing even the very basic fundamentals of
Verbal Aikido has a palpably positive impact on the interactions and
relationships with others and more importantly, with one’s self.
- Outside the training centers, Verbal Aikido can be practiced freely,
and demonstrates a positive example of serenity, altruism and
illumination.
Practice
It may seem strange at first to verbally spar with a partner, but you
will get the hang of it soon enough. As with any new technique, the
unusual or awkward feelings that we may experience at first, quickly
give way to an increasing level of confidence with even the smallest
amount of practice. It’s also common in the initial stages of training
to have long exchanges, as novices naturally need time to get their
bearings and implement the steps little by little.
No matter how many times I stipulate in Verbal Aikido workshops
that the opinions voiced or attacks made during a spar on the virtual
tatami are not the attacker’s real opinions, there is always someone
at some stage that asks if there was any truth to the remarks made!
It’s like asking your martial arts instructor if he really wanted to hurt
you during a practice session. When the novice Aikidoist takes an
attack ‘personally’, it is a clear indicator of a part of their emotional
body that they may need to heal or shield more effectively.
Nevertheless, what’s positive is that the attack seemed real to the
Aikidoist, and this is the experience we aim for when sparring.
It’s quite reassuring on a certain level to know that the most difficult
thing for many novice Aikidoists (and even some experienced ones)
to do is to act out a good attack. That said, if you’re finding it difficult
to get into the role of attacker, try to picture the meanest person you
know, sometimes fictional characters like Lucius Malfoy or Nurse
Ratched may get the inspirational ball rolling for you.

A: Developing your Inner Smile

E 1: P

This first exercise is quite simple:

 1. Either imagine yourself smiling confidently, or find a
picture of you with a sincerely joyful look on your face. You
can also draw a simple self-portrait with a big smile.
2. Now close your eyes and fix that image in your brain for
just a second or two.
3. With your eyes still closed, take a sudden breath of air
and picture this image being sucked into your heart, your
solar plexus, or your abdomen as you inhale.
4. Open your eyes and do it a second time but only closing
your eyes momentarily to visualize your smiling image.
5. Now do it a third time and try to see your image in your
mind’s eye without actually closing your eyes, and ‘inhale’ the
image with a slow deep breath.
That’s it, now you can start using the Inner Smile, when dealing with
an attack! Even if you still close your eyes momentarily to picture
yourself smiling, it is quite imperceptible to your partner.
E 2: C
Morihei Ueshiba wrote “Breath activates and links with the primordial
ki of the universe, generating the life force, and then a harmonizing
force that transforms the universe”. It really is only through the
practice of controlled breathing that we can start to grasp the depth
of this statement. So, according to O-Sensei, if you want to start
transforming the universe, the first step is to master your breathing
and its link with the environment you are in.
You may not notice a transformation of the universe immediately, but
you might just see a small transformation in yourself, as you aim at
mastering the space between stimulus and response. The objective
of this second exercise is to develop the link between your
automatic-to-conscious breathing and your automatic-to-conscious
reactions. You will probably need a partner for this exercise, because
the more unexpected the requests are, the better the results. You
can, however, gain sufficient understanding by recording your own
voice if you have no alternative.
1. Ask your partner to get ready to boss you around for a
couple of minutes. You can choose a theme like reorganizing
a desk, making a sandwich or even actions without any
particular objective.
2. As you begin, every time your partner gives you an
instruction, instead of reacting immediately, insert a breath
before you do anything and then react as you exhale. You
can try to insert your Inner Smile as per exercise 1, if you feel
comfortable enough.
3. After a few instructions, as you are inhaling, take the
opportunity to think of a couple of different ways you could
react to the instruction that’s just been given.
4. After doing this a couple of times, now start to
consciously choose the reaction that would be the most
unusual for you, and with intention and serenity, carry out this
reaction in response to the instruction given by your partner.
If you feel uncomfortable with this exercise the first time you do it,
you should try it again two or three times – it’s a little like riding a
bike, you’ll feel more at ease after a few attempts. This activity trains
your brain to realize that you have a choice in how you react; that
you have many more choices than you think.
Figure 2.1 – Average progression in reaction time
When you can consciously choose the most appropriate reaction to
a situation, you have started to take control of the time between
stimulus and response. Well done! With practice you will observe
how your reaction time decreases considerably.
E 3: A
To start training the Inner Smile into your Verbal Aikido, here is an
easy sparring exercise to do with a partner:
1. Pick a singer, actor, or sports celebrity that you
particularly appreciate.
2. Ask your partner to criticize anything he can about the
person. The more convincing your partner is in his criticism,
the better the results will be in this exercise.
3. Insert the Inner Smile before your reactions as often as
possible.
4. Continue for no more than two or three minutes and then
swap roles.
5. When you finish, ask each other if the attacker felt
destabilized by the Inner Smiles at any stage, and if the
defending Aikidoist discovered any alternative reactions while
breathing.
This is quite an easy topic to begin sparring with, but remember, the
objective is to work consciously on your capacity to insert your Inner
Smile. If you’ve completed the instructions for all three of the
exercises above, you will notice a significant progress in your
understanding of automatic-to-conscious reactions. You can use
cases later on, to really test the strength of your technique for this
first step.

B: Increasing your capacity to accompany

E 4: I ‘ ’
The objective in this exercise is that the Aikidoist manages to hear
the words used by an attacker as if they were new to him, and to
avoid conjecture or guessing the signification of an attack. Simply
take the same process from exercise 3, or any of the following
exercises, and ask questions like ‘what do you mean by X?’, where
‘X’ is any subjective-sounding word (such as ‘always’, ‘never’,
‘respect’, ‘difficult’, ‘change’, ‘modern’, ‘better’, ‘worse’ etc.) in the
attack.
E 5: I
Author Robert McCloskey relates the difference in understanding
that often occurs in a verbal exchange thus: “I know you believe you
understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize that
what you heard is not what I meant.” The sincerity of your desire to
understand the other’s point of view is what will have the greatest
impact on your capacity to accompany successfully with Irimi. In this
exercise, your objective is to remove your interest in your own view,
in order to get a breakthrough in understanding of your partner’s.
1. Choose a case of conflict that you have been in or have
witnessed and explain it to your partner.
2. Ask your partner to imagine a reason why the attacker in
the case may have been acting that way, and do his best not
to reveal the reason to you until the spar has finished.
3. Go on to the virtual tatami and spar the case, but instead
of letting it escalate, seek to discover why the attacker is
acting this way[13].
4. Swap roles for a case your partner chooses and then
exchange on the most successful strategies.
E 6: I
The more convincing you and your partner are in the roles, the better
the results will be for these exercises.
 1. Pick a value that you hold dear, that you feel is part of
your identity – you’ll find an example list of values in the
bonus chapter.
2. Ask your partner to criticize and downplay anything he
can about this particular value, e.g. he can claim that it’s only
an illusion and doesn’t really exist, that people chasing after it
are only fooling themselves, that the person is a hypocrite
because…, etc.
3. Insert the Inner Smile to your reactions during the spar,
and try to understand why the attacker could possibly see
things this way.
4. Carry on for a couple of minutes if you can (you can
continue by searching for Ai-ki if you feel ready) and then
swap roles.
5. When you finish, ask each other if and why the attacker
felt destabilized by either the Inner Smile or the Irimi at any
stage.

C: Getting to a destabilization
Do you remember the three techniques we elaborated in chapter 5?
The invisible onlooker, meaning prod and subject transfer? Well,
here’s your chance to put them into practice. Remember to be
leading the exchange and to avoid getting caught up in justifying
yourself!
E 7: D
Your objective in this exercise is simply to be able to detect when
your attacker has been destabilized. Once you feel you have noticed
a destabilization you can call ‘time out’ to validate it with the attacker.
Remember that it may be caused by the Inner Smile, the Irimi, or the
intentional destabilization.
Before starting, remind each other that the opinions given for the
sake of the spar are not the attacker’s sincere beliefs! People can be
particularly sensitive when it concerns something they have created
or accomplished. This doesn’t mean the attacker should hold back –
au contraire, but once the spar is over, it can be interesting to verify if
the defending Aikidoist doubted the fictitious nature of the attack.
1. Pick something that you’re proud of having
accomplished or created.
2. Ask your partner to work into a criticism, or to pass a
disapproving judgment on this creation or accomplishment.
For example, he can claim that it’s useless, or hardly what
could be called a ‘real accomplishment’, etc.
3. Always remember to insert the Inner Smile to your
reactions during the spar, then follow through with Irimi and if
necessary, continue with an intentional destabilization move.
4. Call a brief ‘time out’ as soon as you think a
destabilization has been reached (based on facial
expressions, substantial hesitation, etc.) to validate the
destabilization. Continue to spar if your partner disagrees.
5. Note the point in the exchange and the expression that
was used when the destabilization took place.
6. Swap roles and repeat the exercise.
E 8: M
Your objective in this exercise is to destabilize the attacker twice in a
row. This accumulation of destabilization moves is typically used if
an attack is seen as particularly strong or persistent and the Aikidoist
has not created enough space to carry out an Ai-ki with an initial
Irimi.
1. With your partner, choose a case.
2. Spar the case and once you have detected a
destabilization, attempt a second destabilization.
 3. Aim to rebalance the case (Ai-ki).
4. Swap roles and repeat the exercise.

D: Improving your Ai-ki technique

By now you’ve probably attempted Ai-ki a few times. This final
exercise is the one most commonly used in Verbal Aikido training. A
third person can be useful to help with the analysis and confirmation
of the Ai-ki.
E 9: S A-
1. With your partner, choose two cases, preferably one that
concerns you and one that concerns him.
2. Spar the first case, following the three steps.
3. Once you know Ai-ki has been reached, ask the attacker
if they felt that they ‘lost face’ at any stage. If so, start again,
if not, take note of the sliding points (both the moment of
destabilization and the moment of Ai-ki).
4. Swap roles and repeat the exercise for the same case.
5. Discuss the understanding obtained by experiencing the
roles from both sides.
6. Go on to the second case and repeat the exercise.
Self-analysis
The objective of this section is to give you insight into the inner-
functioning of your reactions and to enable you to analyze your
aptitude for each of the three steps.

E 1
Read the following 6 types of remarks and choose the one that
appears the most in your thoughts or words regarding others:
“Oh would you hurry up!” or “You’re wasting time!”
“Watch what you’re doing!” or “Careful, you’re not paying
attention!”
“Don’t give up so easily!” or “Stop just standing there!”
“Why are you so selfish?” or “You’re so insensitive!”
“You’re too soft!” or “Come on, head up, keep going!”
“Make an effort to get it right!” or “This just isn’t good enough!”
Which of them comes out with the most force? Any idea why? Note
it.
____________________________
____________________________
As suggested in chapter 3, you often only notice something that
bothers you about someone else if you have experienced it yourself
on some level. Take a moment to self-analyze and observe or
recollect moments when you were not as rapid or efficient as you
would have liked, when you weren’t as strong as you would’ve liked,
when you could have made a greater effort, when you considered
yourself before another, when your result wasn’t perfect, when you
could have been paying more attention to what you were doing, and
so on.
Starting to get the picture? The actions we have a hard time
accepting in others are one of the keys to understanding what we
don’t yet accept in ourselves. So what bothers you most about
others? How do you finish the sentence “He/she/they really annoy
me when they…”, or “People are always/never…”? For this exercise,
pick a relation, friend or co-worker that can get on your nerves…
Now sincerely answer these two questions:
1. What bothers you most about this person?
(e.g. “…they don’t tell the truth”, “play games with my feelings”,
“leave a mess”, etc.)
____________________________
____________________________
Take a couple of minutes to link these actions to a time when,
however distant it may be, you were ‘guilty’ of the same act.
Remember, you wouldn’t even notice these acts if you weren’t
capable of doing them yourself, so really dig deep if you need to, and
don’t limit yourself to an exact replica of the act; there are different
levels to everything!
You should now have a couple of instances where you committed
some of the actions that exasperate you the most. Your next
contribution is to ask yourself ‘why?’ for each of these examples.
Keep asking until you find an honest and sincere answer, no matter
how illogical it may seem. Take note below:
2. How can you explain your reason for acting this way?
(e.g. “…so as not to lose face”, “to feel attractive”, “I had other
things on my mind”, etc.)
____________________________
____________________________
This is not to say that you have or had the same motivations as the
‘offender’ for doing what you do or did. However, you may start to
see that this partial understanding of your inner-functioning enables
your reactions to ‘offending actions’, to be attenuated, less
vehement, and ideally accompanied by a larger dose of empathy.

E 2
The following analysis is used to help the Aikidoist determine his
strengths and weaknesses in each of the three steps, and therefore
on which he may need to work most. It is a particularly useful
exercise when done prior to an evaluation.
1. On each of the six lines below, validate your scale by mentally
attaching the image of an actual person to whom you’d give a 10 for
each quality[14]. Then estimate your own general ‘capacity to be X’
in everyday life. Rate yourself accordingly by circling the appropriate
number below for you:
a) Confident: 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
b) Serene: 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
c) Empathic: 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
d) Actively listening: 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
e) Non-judgmental: 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
f) Positive: 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

2. Now, with a different color pen, rate yourself using the same scale
above, but this time concerning how you are in a conflictual situation.
3. Use your results for questions 1 and 2 from the scale above to
determine your level and aptitude for each step in Verbal Aikido.
Note that:
- Step 1 (Inner Smile) concerns attributes a and b (above),
- Step 2 (Irimi) is indicated by c and d,
- Step 3 (Ai-ki) is related to the qualities e and f.
 i) Present potential to perform Inner Smile:
Q1 a+b = ____
ii) Present capacity to perform Inner Smile:
Q2 a+b = ____
Inner Smile level i) + ii) = ____
Inner Smile aptitude i) – ii) = ____
iii) Present potential to perform Irimi:
Q1 c+d = ____
iv) Present capacity to perform Irimi:
Q2 c+d = ____
Irimi level iii) + iv) = ____
Irimi aptitude iii) – iv) = ____
v) Present potential to perform Ai-ki:
Q1 e+f = ____
vi) Present capacity to perform Ai-ki:
Q2 e+f = ____
Ai-ki level v) + vi) = ____
Ai-ki aptitude v) – vi) = ____

Your lowest score regarding your level for one of the three steps
indicates where you need to practice most to become proficient in
Verbal Aikido. Your highest ‘aptitude’ in the three steps indicates
where you have the most potential to improve rapidly. For example,
you may score as follows:
Inner Smile level: 9, aptitude: 3
Irimi level: 27, aptitude: 5
Ai-ki level: 19, aptitude: 7
From these sample results we can conclude that most work needs to
be done on the development of Inner Smile, but that training to
improve and perform Ai-ki will generate the most rapid effect. We
can also deduce that working on Irimi will generate results relatively
quickly, but that it is preferable to focus attention on developing the
other skills.
This scoring is on a relative scale, so even if your aptitude gets a
negative result, it doesn’t mean you cannot progress, simply that you
are likely to progress more quickly in the other steps. Comparing
your scores with those of another Aikidoist will not give any reliable
indicators, it is best to use your scores to determine which of the
steps needs most attention. The development of each of the three
steps is covered in more detail in volume 2 and volume 3.

~ End of green-belt cycle ~

 P 2
B
(Orange-belt cycle)
 Bonus chapter (from volume 2) – Self-
protection

“Your spirit is the true shield.” ~ Morihei Ueshiba

Budo training in martial aikido is based around the principles of
improving one’s mind, forging one’s character, self-protection, and
maintaining law and order in society. Indeed if there is disorder in
society, and if civilization has broken down, protecting one’s self is a
systematic and natural reaction. Similarly, Verbal Aikido helps us
deal with communication imbalance and breakdowns, and self-
preservation is generally a key concern when this happens. The
difference between the Verbal Aikido approach and the majority of
approaches in times when self-preservation is needed, is that Verbal
Aikido seeks not only to protect one’s self from harm, but also to
protect the attacker.
If you’ve ever been on a plane and paid attention to the pre-flight
safety demonstration, you’ll have heard that the protocol is to ensure
you have your own oxygen mask on, before attempting to help
anyone else. The same approach to safety can be said of many risky
endeavors, and communication is no exception. It may seem
altruistic to attempt to aid a partner first, but it is in fact quite reckless
if you haven’t first ensured your own safety – need I remind you that
an attacker in Aikido is considered to be your partner?
Energy bubble
Do you like your kitchen? Enough to sing about it? When I was
growing up, it just seemed normal to us that our mother was
impervious to the inevitable disputes that went on between siblings.
We came to recognize that bringing our futile discrepancies to her
while she was cooking would only cause her to start singing “I like
my kitchen ¯ I like my kitchen...” Although she had no real singing
voice, it didn’t stop her from getting humorously operatic on
occasion!
What about you, have you ever had one of those days where you
feel impenetrable or invincible? You are on a roll, you are safe, you
are in such a good mood that nothing can get to you. What is your
self-image like at these moments? Even if you can’t recall this
precise sensation at this moment in time, if you get up now, put a big
smile on your face and start strutting around, vividly imagining you
have a cape on your back, you’ll definitely be getting close to that
feeling of strength! Can you start to see how this sort of mind-set
alone can be a protective force that prevents negativity entering your
emotional state?
On the other hand, if you put a sulk on your face, lower your
shoulders, speak with a monotone voice and start moping around
aimlessly for long enough… you’re eventually going to attract some
of the negativity that’s out there! Even the smallest upset will
become a drama, whereas this same upset would hardly be noticed
if you were in ‘cape’ mode! This is the fundamental nature of self-
protection by means of the enveloping aura created by developing a
positive attitude – an energy bubble; the power to create such a
mind-set that you can seamlessly filter out the aggressiveness or
negativity in a verbal attack, and only let in the ‘good stuff’ or the
‘essence’ of the verbal content. You may not be able to turn on this
filter at the flick of a switch just yet, and quite frankly it is an ongoing
challenge throughout life. Fortunately, if you’ve successfully
completed the exercises from chapter 7, and practiced receiving,
reorienting and rebalancing, you’ve already made a couple of steps
in the right direction!

Figure 3.1 – Self-protection

Some people call this phenomenon an ‘aura’ and maybe in your life,
when exchanging with someone who was speaking passionately,
you perceived something almost luminous, heard something
delightfully inexplicable, or felt something magical in their way of
expressing themselves. In fact, everyone has some activity they do
or talk about, which produces the effect of an aura, a glow, or even
just a little sparkle in their eyes. Take a moment to think about what
this might be for you. You may find it helpful to ask some of the
people that you frequent most to give you their views. Knowing what
it is that gives you this aura is like having a bubble wand that you
can blow into and create something not only magical, but that can
protect you from negativity too!
If it interests you to pursue this form of protection, a recommended
way to develop your energy bubble is to treat whatever activity you
enjoy as a moment of meditation, and an opportunity to recharge
your battery, or inflate your bubble! Although there is no ‘one way’ to
effectively generate an energy bubble that works for everyone, here
are some activities that can help to create this ‘aura-style’ protection,
and that are practicable without needing to depend on another
person:
- Running, cycling or swimming
- Gardening
- Cooking
- Drawing or painting
- Playing or listening to music
- Reading inspirational texts
- Praying or meditating
There are many more that require having someone else with you,
but because others cannot always be present, having an activity that
can be carried out independently gives you the freedom to blow
bubbles as often as you like. O-Sensei gave useful instructions and
recommendations for the form of meditation he performed: “Draw the
ki of the universe into your seika tanden (an energy center situated
in your lower abdomen) as if it were a great boulder settling to earth”.
He taught that focusing on this sort of image in your meditation
fosters the union of ki-mind-body.
If the meditative side of this seems too abstract or intangible, a more
concrete approach is to use the power of intent to start expanding
your energy bubble. Here’s a three-stage exercise that has
enormous impact on your self-protection when practiced regularly:
1. Before you begin your activity, whatever it may be, clearly
state that you’re doing it with the intention of generating or
maintaining self-protection, or increasing your self-image and
energy levels, and so on.
2. Carry out your personal activity as you normally would.
3. When you’ve finished, remind yourself of your conscious
intention, and then let go of the idea – don’t think about it again
until the next time.
If you are just beginning with this, you need to be consistently doing
it once a day for the first month; you can alternate activities, but
insist on the same intention each time. When you become conscious
of this firm intention to do something that you have done many times,
you automatically prepare yourself – you know what needs to be
done. When you go to wash your hands, you may automatically roll
up your sleeves and turn on the tap with your left or right hand. Once
your body knows your intention, it follows through with ‘the
formalities’, i.e. any preparation necessary prior to the action. You
may catch a fingernail occasionally in your sleeve that you deal with
accordingly, but you still complete your intended action; your hands
are washed without much effort being attributed to thinking about the
process.
Therefore, if your deliberate intention is to find balance in an
exchange in three steps, and you’ve done it enough times for the
preparation to be automatic, excluding a few unruly fingernails,
reaching Ai-ki will become natural and automatic. To become
determined, is to have persistent intention.
Whatever you decide to do, if you want to work on your self-
protection, you need to spend some ‘quality time’ with yourself. You
can spread it out over years if you like, but why not give yourself an
intensive boost by doing something you already enjoy? Once you’ve
developed your self-protection in this way, you will notice a gain in
confidence that not only enables you to deal with attacks, but also to
ensure your attacker avoids harm too. You may notice a strong use
of this energy bubble in the example exchanges in the following
section, and how it enables the Aikidoist to protect the attacker from
harm, as he has ensured his own ‘safety’ first.
Detaching from values
Learning to detach from your values in order to develop a shielding
strategy enables you to protect your weaker areas. It doesn’t mean
that the Aikidoist needs to let go of his values, but simply having the
capacity to release his attachment to them is a useful technique to
have in conflictual situations. When we are ‘under attack’ and in
duress, holding on to our values may display a weakness that an
observant attacker may not hesitate to pounce on. There’s a time
and a place for defending your values, but if you are able to
deliberately disconnect from them at a critical moment in order to
master a situation, it may mean the difference between an
uncontrollable escalation and a successful Ai-ki. Here’s an example
of such a result in a value attack spar, using a technique called high-
road analysis (covered in volume 3):
Attacker: “You’re such a mummy’s boy!”
Aikidoist: “[…] Why would you say such a nice thing?”
Attacker: “I’m not saying it to be nice!”
Aikidoist: “[…] My mistake, what were you trying to say?”
Attacker: “[***] That, eh, well, you only listen to what she says…”
Aikidoist: “I suppose we all have someone who we think is wise! For
you it’s your boss, right?” (smiling)
[- - -]
Responding with the insertion of a positive intention into the
attacker’s remarks corresponds to shaking the hand of someone
who has come to strike you with theirs. In this case the Aikidoist
managed to let go of his emotional attachments, took immediate
control of the situation and rapidly reached Ai-ki. In order to detach
yourself from the hold your values have on you, you first need to
recognize what they are. Although your values often evolve over
time, and may even shift considerably (remember Ebenezer
Scrooge?) due to ‘life-changing’ events, they are the guiding force
behind the decisions you make at any given time. At the very least,
the following exercise will enable you to access your personal
decision-making process more rapidly!
1. Read through the following value list and categorize them
into:
a) supremely important,
b) very important,
c) important,
d) not so important.
 Figure 3.2 – Value
list
2. From the values that are ‘supremely important’ and ‘very
important’ for you, select your 10 most important values. Make
sure that one value is not a means to obtain another, i.e. if
Adventure is your means to feel Freedom, then choose the
resulting value instead of the means
3. Now reduce your selection to contain only 5, and return to
exercise 6 in chapter 7. Use this sparring exercise to practice the
three steps for each, until you start to feel your attachment to the
values lessening
If the sparring is carried out authentically, not only will you have
understood how a value you hold dear can be a weakness if
attacked, but also how to deal with such an attack. When you can
manage a direct hit on your top 5 values, it’s that a certain sense of
relativity has set in; dealing with any of your other ‘lower priority’
values should be a piece of cake. Here is another example from an
attack used in chapter 3:
Attacker: “You’re such a hypocrite!”
Aikidoist: “[…] I can see why you would say that.”
Attacker: “[***]”
Aikidoist: “[…] I think we all try not to be, as a rule, don’t you think
so?”
Attacker: “[***] I think you’re full of it!”
Aikidoist: “[…] I can see why you would say that too! This could go
on for a while if we really want to have fun!”
Attacker: (laughs)
[- - -]
The deshi[15] here used his sense of perspective and detachment
from his values, which enabled him to perform an efficient Irimi,
followed up by a successful Ai-ki through indirect situational humor.
The confidence you obtain by knowing that your intentions are
‘noble’ or at the very least well-meant is often enough to destabilize
an attacker and is a key part of developing enough Inner Smile to
reach Ai-ki without force.
Positional management and anchoring
Being conscious of the management of your physical position and
movements, or ‘gestural mastery’, is a means that contributes almost
imperceptibly to reaching Ai-ki. In a heterogeneous group, a deshi
will typically follow the same exercises as the novices but with an
additional task (or ‘meta-instruction’), so as to enhance his gestural
mastery among other skills.
Have you ever heard that our eyes are the mirrors of our souls?
Indeed observing someone’s eyes can be considered to be a sort of
Irimi insofar as the Aikidoist attempts to understand the energy
emanating from the soul of the attacker, and at the same time share
his own. In order to do this, you can return to even the simplest
exercises with Irimi in chapter 7 and try to look directly into the eyes
of the attacker. Awareness and control of eye movement doesn’t
mean that you stare at the attacker intently or threateningly; the
gesture should be an open and receiving look, yet deliberate and
balanced in length.
Just like any martial arts training, there is a noteworthy difference
between what happens in class on a tatami and what happens in a
real-life fight. The authenticity of an attack can be detected by the
consciousness of the attacker’s eyes and their movement, thus
rendering attacks performed on the virtual tatami artificial. In order to
counter this difficulty, deshis are encouraged to experiment with eye
consciousness in real cases. Most often, they notice a significant
change in both their own perception of a conflict and their increasing
understanding of the attacker.
In highly confrontational conflicts, or in situations where the
attacker’s eyes may be shifting constantly, the Aikidoist may also
calm an attack considerably if he looks intently at the center of the
attacker’s forehead for a period. This is in fact a non-verbal form of
destabilizing, so the intention to return to balanced eye-contact is
essential before engaging this strategy.
Regarding other facial movements, the Aikidoist needs also to be
aware of his smile. If you smile as soon as someone attacks you,
that is to say, before you have created a destabilization, it can create
an immediate escalation in the exchange, as the attacker may
believe that he is not being taken seriously. However if you discreetly
copy their facial expression first, with the intention of smiling when
the tension has been removed, you will often find that the attacker
mirrors the smile. A practical demonstration of this is the best means
to understand how this works, but simply walking down a street and
smiling at passers-by will show you how many people actually mirror
this gesture naturally!
If you are deliberately moving other body parts, it is advisable that
your movement is sufficiently discreet. For example, if when the
attack begins, both people are standing and facing each other, the
Aikidoist can turn his body slightly, to be in a position that is not as
confrontational. It is even possible to slowly move towards facing a
similar direction; the most common situation for this to become
acceptable is to be walking side-by-side. If circumstances permit,
you will see how difficult it becomes for an attacker to maintain a
conflict if you are both walking in the same direction.
If you’ve never heard of ‘anchoring’, here is brief explanation of what
it is and how to use it as a means to maintain or return to your Inner
Smile, and a poised state of mind when a conflictual situation has
arisen. Most people associate a certain serenity with seeing
someone in the lotus position (see below) with their index fingers
touching their thumbs. If every time the person meditates with these
gestures they feel closer to serenity, we can say that they are linking
or ‘anchoring’ these hand gestures to that specifically serene state of
mind. Reproducing the same gestures outside meditation simply
reminds them of, and often plunges them back into their tranquil
state.
Figure 3.3 – The lotus position
In Verbal Aikido there is no fixed style of meditation, and there is no
fixed gesture to anchor a state of well-being. Deshis find their own
gestures to anchor with this state, which can be as discreet as gently
tugging on the right ear lobe or a ‘steeple’ position with the hands.
One novice comically asked if ‘giving the finger’ was an acceptable
anchor… So long as it’s discreet!

Figure 3.4 – Hand steepling

Finally, martial aikido has a particular style of movement that can be
drawn on in a verbal manner. To overcome opponents, the martial
practitioner uses pivoting, entering and circling motions to blend with
and reorient them. The principle of spherical rotation, often
compared to a spinning top in martial aikido, makes it possible to
defend one’s self from even the strongest attacks. This is a common
theme in the Personal Style Premise[16] and is strongly linked to the
swirling circular representation of self-protection by means of an
energy bubble.
Summary of this chapter
- The Aikidoist starts by developing his own self-protection to enable
his protection of others to be more competently executed.
- Working on having a confident self-image develops an energy
bubble which can be used to filter attacks.
- Using the power of intention during your chosen activity or
meditation style rapidly increases your self-protection and energy
levels.
- A value that an Aikidoist holds dear may be a weak spot if he is
unprepared and receives a blow to this point. It is important to know
how to strategically detach yourself from your values in order to
avoid escalation.
- The conscious and deliberate control over your physical position
and movements can greatly enhance your ability to direct an
exchange to a positive outcome.
- It is more revealing and beneficial to be in contact with real cases
to develop the awareness of the impact of the many non-verbal Irimi
moves and destabilization techniques.
 Epilogue
One day after class, a student was walking with his teacher. The
student explained a difficulty he was having with one of the
fundamental techniques in the study.
“Ah yes, difficult!” the teacher placidly replied. “That particular
technique is an art form in itself!”
The student slowed his pace suddenly, and so did the teacher. The
student stopped walking, and so did the teacher...
A year later the student had acquired the technique. He had also
realized that turning his perceived difficulty into an ‘art form’ had
given him the patience and the capacity to enjoy assimilating the
technique. He was then nearing the end of his studies and could not
decide which direction to take. The student again approached the
teacher with this difficulty, and asked for advice.
After listening intently to the student, the teacher said “Ah yes,
difficult!” He paused briefly and then continued with a smile. “You are
not yet sure of your intentions. Knowledge of that is also an art
form...”
Many years later, after acquiring this art of knowing one’s intentions,
the student had become a teacher, and returned to the school in
which he had studied. He was saddened upon learning that his
teacher had left the school, but decided to walk once again down the
same path that they had taken many times together.
He came to the part of the path where he remembered stopping with
his teacher many years before. Now, for the first time, he noticed an
engraving on a nearby tree that seemed to have been there for an
age. As he drew closer he made out the three words on the tree, and
in reading them he felt the presence of his teacher beside him once
again. It read: “Is peace difficult?”
Extract from a collection of short stories entitled “The Art of Peace”.
Courtesy of, and with many thanks to James Faraway.
Appendix A: Belts – What they mean and how to obtain
them
“Coming together is a beginning; keeping together is progress;
working together is success.” ~ Henry Ford

Originally aikido didn’t have a colored belt grading system as such. A

common ranking in aikido schools is simply white and black. The
white belt is generally maintained for the initial six grades and then
the black belt is worn for successive degrees (dan) after that. But
when it was introduced to Europe in the middle of the last century, it
was often taught in Judo schools and alongside other martial arts. It
was here that it sometimes adopted various different systems of
grading and belt colors depending on the school.
In Verbal Aikido there are only three belts: green, orange and white.
The novice Aikidoist works towards a green belt, the apprentice
Aikidoist (deshi) works towards an orange belt and then the white to
be a qualified Verbal Aikido instructor. The white is the highest belt
possible, but for every three years the white-belt Aikidoist is
teaching, he receives a dan.
Green
Green is typically one of the lower initiation colors for a rank of
achievement in Karate, Taekwondo and Judo, among other martial
arts. More recently it has also been used to distinguish a level of
qualification in Six Sigma, a quality improvement methodology.
The signification of the green belt in Verbal Aikido is strongly linked
to the growth of the Aikidoist. It symbolizes the plant sprouting out
from the ground, reaching towards the light and having a firmly
rooted foundation to grow in the art of Verbal Aikido.
To obtain the green belt the Aikidoist has a number of tasks that
must be validated by an instructor. The instructor may either be a
confirmed white-belt instructor or an orange-belt deshi in the process
of obtaining his white belt by tutoring a novice. The instructor
prepares the future green-belt Aikidoist as they would nurture a seed
to take root and grow successfully into a plant.
Here are the three basic tasks an Aikidoist must do successfully to
obtain a green belt:
- Write a summary of the three steps in their own words.
- Write about or express what they feel they learnt during the training
and what they most need to work on now.
- Successfully perform Ai-ki three times consecutively in the space of
5 minutes to counter the attack by the instructor, or by an agreed
fellow Aikidoist of their choice, in a controlled practice environment
(virtual tatami).
The Aikidoist instructor will preferentially use each student’s own real
example situations (brought up during training sessions) for the
green-belt evaluation. The student may attempt as many times as he
wishes, and, if his first attempt is unsuccessful, may spar with other
students until he feels ready.
It typically takes a student between 12 and 24 hours of training to be
ready for the green-belt evaluation. Traditionally, a real green belt is
presented to each successful Aikidoist and they are shown how to
put it on. The wearing of the belt is merely symbolic. However, many
qualified Aikidoists have found that discreetly wearing it in situations
that they feel are going to be conflictual, is a potent reminder to
themselves of their capacities and intentions. This technique is
particularly practicable over the telephone.
In summary, the green belt symbolizes growth, and is obtained after
the Aikidoist completes three tasks, one of which is being able to
successfully and successively perform Ai-ki in a controlled practice
environment.

Orange
The orange belt in Verbal Aikido signifies the apprentice, and draws
from the symbolism in Buddhism of this color: clearing the mind,
strength, dignity, wisdom and balance. When a student decides to
pursue Verbal Aikido after the green belt, he is now referred to as
‘deshi’, meaning ‘student’ or ‘apprentice’ in Japanese. The instructor
will typically return to the text written by him for his green-belt
evaluation and ask what he now wishes to learn in obtaining the
orange belt.
Upon beginning a course towards the orange belt, the deshi needs
to know what is expected of him. To obtain the second belt, the deshi
needs to fulfill the following tasks:
- Consecutively perform Ai-ki three times in less than 3 minutes on a
virtual tatami when confronted with multiple attackers.
- Perform a real-time Ai-ki (dealing with an unprepared attack).
- Write a text entitled “Ai+Ki=Do?”
- Demonstrate and illustrate the appropriation of the three steps and
develop the premise for a personal style of Verbal Aikido (oral).
The deshi may ask to perform the consecutive Ai-ki task at any time
during the course, in order to validate this step.
The unprepared attack for which the deshi must perform a
successful Ai-ki is at the discretion of the instructor, but typically
occurs in the month preceding the official evaluation. It can be done
by an unknown intermediary, over the telephone, or during a training
course. It is not an obligation for the instructor to comment on the
failure of an attack, but if three unprepared attacks have been made
and the deshi is still unsuccessful, the instructor must intervene with
guidance.
The text that the deshi writes (Ai+Ki=Do?) is free in form and length
but must aim to demonstrate the interest the student has in clearing
the mind, strength, dignity, wisdom and balance. It is often used as
the foundation for the basic Personal Style Premise (PSP) but not
obligatorily. The oral presentation for the basic PSP is the
opportunity for the deshi to demonstrate his appropriation of the
steps as he will be ‘attacked’ on his content and style throughout. It
generally lasts no more than 10 minutes.
It can take the deshi between 15 and 30 hours of training to reach
orange belt level but as there are many extra-curricular
requirements, the evaluation dates may vary considerably. Upon
accomplishing all four stages, the instructor validates whether or not
the deshi has reached the objectives stated at the beginning of this
training, and the orange belt is then presented to him.
In summary, orange symbolizes clearing the mind, strength, dignity,
wisdom and balance. The orange belt signifies one who is
concerned by, and is developing these attributes. It is obtained upon
the completion of four tasks, including a basic Personal Style
Premise presentation, and dealing with surprise (real-time) attacks
and multiple attacks.

White
Although the white belt in many disciplines is the sign of the
beginner, the white belt in Verbal Aikido is the highest level that the
deshi can reach. The color white symbolizes peace, altruism and
illumination and the white belt in Verbal Aikido signifies the master or
the one who teaches these three attributes through the art.
For the orange-belt deshi to obtain a white belt, there is one principal
task to perform and two secondary ones. The deshi participates
much less in the training, although he may attend freely the classes
of his instructor. There is therefore no minimum amount of hours that
the deshi needs to do, and the date for the task evaluations is set
directly with the instructor.
As with the commencement of the orange belt, the instructor returns
to the writings of the deshi and this time helps him elaborate his
Personal Style Premise. The instructor then asks the deshi what he
wishes to understand or gain by obtaining the white belt.
This third belt in Verbal Aikido is obtained by accomplishing the
following tasks:
- Tutor a student and bring them to green-belt level (principal task).
- Finalize a written PSP.
- Present and defend the PSP (oral).
The orange-belt Aikidoist’s primary objective is to train a novice in
Verbal Aikido and bring them successfully to the level of green belt.
This is validated with the instructor on the day of evaluation, typically
it is the instructor that attacks in order to validate the novice’s
capacity, but it is not compulsory.
The written PSP contains the different approach that the deshi
proposes to use or has used in his training of the novice, with a
detailed account of difficulties, successes and results (projected or
experienced) of these approaches. The deshi is encouraged to
choose a theme of peace, illumination or altruism to incorporate into
the writing. The oral presentation of the PSP is similar in most ways
to the one for the orange belt although it may last well over 10
minutes.
There is no specific order in which the tasks must be accomplished,
but when all three are completed the instructor validates whether or
not the deshi has reached the objectives he stated at the beginning
of this training, and is subsequently presented the white belt.
If the principal task (tutoring a novice to green belt level) is
completed before the other two, it is the master instructor that
awards the green belt to the newly graduated Aikidoist. If, on the
other hand, it is the last task completed, the white belt is first
awarded to the deshi who then awards the green belt to his student.
In short, the white belt represents peace, altruism and
enlightenment, and is presented to the deshi upon completion of
three tasks, including training a novice Aikidoist to obtain a green
belt. Subsequent degrees or ‘dan’ are given to the white belt after
every three years of teaching the art to a minimum of one novice or
deshi per year.
Appendix B: Sample Irimi expressions
“Always and never are two words you should always remember
never to use.” ~ Wendell Johnson

Hereunder you will find a selection of expressions that may

encourage your attacker to elaborate his attack to the point of
destabilization. They have been taken from examples in the book
and others that didn’t make it. As there are countless types of
possible attacks, they’re not applicable in all circumstances, but
there should be at least one that corresponds to the attack you wish
to accompany.

Declarative or rhetoric Irimi

I hear what you’re saying.
You sound really concerned about this!
You seem really upset…
This seems pretty important to you!
OK, so that’s how you see things? I wasn’t sure…
Really?
OK I see, yes that must’ve left you feeling less than pleased!
What happened? That’s terrible!
I wish this topic was easier to talk about.
I can see why you would say that.
I don’t blame you!
That can’t be easy to manage.
I know exactly what you mean.
Indeed!
I’m really trying to understand what you mean here.

Reformulative Irimi
So if I’ve understood correctly, you…?
So you have the impression that…?
Would I be right in saying that you think / feel…?
Are you trying to tell me that…?

Interrogative Irimi
What makes you feel that way / say that?
That’s a question / judgment?
Where is this all going?
What would you like me to do?
Is there something else you’d like to tell me?
What’s the worst that could happen?
How much time do you have to talk about this?
How do you mean?
Where is all this coming from?
Why would you say such a nice thing?
What would you like to know?
And what do you think is going to happen now?
What do you suggest we do about it?
Are you OK? You seem really upset / stressed out!
Do you feel that anger/cynicism is the best response here?
What did you hear me say?

Directive Irimi
I think I see where you’re coming from, go on…
Help me understand that one.
I think there’s something else you want to tell me…
There’s gotta be a better way to find a solution!
Tell me what you heard me say.
Please, do elaborate.
Can you say that again please.
Irimi in complex attacks, enhanced with gestures, etc.
OK I really want to hear what you have to say, but just hold on a
second. (picks up phone and simulates answering a call) - Sorry
can’t speak right now honey, something really important has just
come up. Call you later OK?
I see (visualizing the Inner Smile, wait, breathe). Can you say that
again?
Go on, (eye contact) I really wanna understand you here.
(with ‘halting’ hand gesture) Let me think…
Does everyone feel this way?
Which of you actually feel strongly about this?
Add your own:
______________________________
______________________________
______________________________
Appendix C: Some amusing spar transcripts
“Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain – and most do.”
~ Dale Carnegie

Attacker: “Iiiiiiif you were looking, you might have seen it!
Aikidoist: “[…] You were looking?”
Attacker: “Yes”
Aikidoist: “[…] I was feeling in fact, what are you feeling?”
Attacker: “What?”
Aikidoist: “[…] We’re both feeling a little confused right now, huh?
What’s the opposite of ‘confused’? Understood? Shall we aim at
that?”
---
Attacker: “Can you stop being such an *insult*!”
Aikidoist: “[…] There are so many different kinds of *insults*, which
one do you mean?”
---
Attacker: “Verbal Aikido? Sounds like a load of pretentious charlatan
blah!”
Aikidoist: “[…] So forget about it”
---
Attacker: “You should be ashamed of yourself !”
Aikidoist: “[…] Would you like me to be?”
Attacker: “Well, yes!”
Aikidoist: “[…] And what would that bring you?”
Attacker: “Pleasure.”
Aikidoist: “[…] Well we all have different ways of achieving
pleasure…”
Attacker: “Actually pain, it brings me pain!” (laughs)
Aikidoist: (laughs too) “You really do have my best interests at heart,
I know!”
---
Attacker: “Hurry up! I have no time to lose!”
Aikidoist: “[…] You have time to win so?”
---
Add your own
______________________________
______________________________
______________________________
Appendix D: Glossary of terms and jargon used in this
book

[…]: transcription for the use of the Inner Smile.

[***]: transcription of a destabilization during an exchange.
[- - -]: transcription for a balance of energy (Ai-ki) during an
exchange.
Ai-ki: the result of bringing the attacker back to a level position,
recovering equilibrium, balancing the energy of an exchange.
Angle: a line of Irimi or destabilization moves. Angles correspond to
‘locks’ in martial aikido, i.e. subtle pressure on the attacker that
causes him to move in a certain way.
Art of Peace: a universal cause that strives to create and spread
peace as a practicable art form through different channels and
means.
Automatic-to-conscious: said of an action that we have done without
realizing, and then begin to focus our attention on it.
Budo: the philosophy of a martial art, literally “martial Way” or “Way
of the spirit”.
Case: a real experience that an Aikidoist later brings to the virtual
tatami to explore in a spar.
Charge: how we feel about something; it can be negative or positive.
Common ground: a technique that consists in finding a mutual
position or direction with the attacker.
Dan: each successive degree after the highest belt has been
obtained. In Verbal Aikido, it is given after every three years of
teaching the art to a minimum of one deshi per year.
Declarative: said of an attack or an Irimi that states a position.
Deshi: term used to describe the apprentice in Verbal Aikido who has
obtained green belt level, and is training for his orange or white belt.
Discharge: what we do with a charge. The combination of charge
and discharge creates the ‘attitude’.
Emotional body: a figurative term used to describe the different
elements that make up how you feel at a given moment, as opposed
to how you appear (your physical body).
Emotional result: how people feel after an exchange.
Energy bubble: the protective aura created by developing a positive
attitude.
First-person plural: a grammatical term indicated by words such as
‘we’, ‘us’, ‘our’ and so on.
High-road analysis: a technique that consists in projecting positive
intentions on an attack no matter what the intentions may seem to
be.
Inner Smile: a state of inner confidence, strength and peace; being
calmly observant of one’s self and non-judgmental of events.
Internal antonym finder: our capacity to find the opposite of a
(functionally negative) word.
Interrogative: said of an attack or an Irimi that questions a position or
action.
Invisible onlooker: a technique that consists in giving the attacker(s)
the opportunity to see the exchange from an external point of view.
Irimi (entering): a means of dealing with head-on attacks by sliding to
the side, entering into a zone or position where the blow is avoided
and the attacker must change direction to continue an attack.
Kanji: characters used in Japanese writing.
Ki-mind-body: the concept of a link between universal energy (ki),
one’s mind and one’s physical body; and the capacity to unify the
three.
Meaning prod: a means to destabilize that consists in asking the
attacker to define a word that lends itself to a subjective
interpretation.
Neutral state: a state of being that enables actions such as
discerning or observing, and/or feelings such as awareness or
harmony, and so on.
O-Sensei: an honorary title in Japanese meaning ‘Great teacher’.
Personal Style Premise: the elaboration of a deshi’s differentiation in
the art of Verbal Aikido.
Power of intent: the results obtained by constantly and deliberately
formulating a specific intent before performing an action.
Positive bind: a technique that consists in proposing options, all of
which direct an exchange to a positive outcome.
Positive lift: a technique that consists in taking a negative term used
by an attacker and using its opposite to construct a direction for Ai-ki
Protected Empathy: a process by which one attempts to sincerely
understand and recognize an attacker’s position, while avoiding
being drawn into an emotional or judgmental position.
Reformulative: said of an Irimi that paraphrases or repeats the
essence of an attack.
Shielding strategy: a means to protect your sensitive areas from
attack (often through an element of Inner Smile).
Sliding Point: the point in an exchange when we start sliding from
one emotional state to another.
Spar, sparring: verbal exchanges with an attack used to develop the
art of Verbal Aikido in a controlled practice environment (the virtual
tatami).
The three steps: Inner Smile, Irimi until destabilization, and Ai-ki.
Verbal Immunity Check-up: a means to understand some of the
attacks that we may be more sensitive to, in order to protect or heal
these weaknesses.
Virtual tatami: a controlled environment where Aikidoists spar.
Virtuous Spiral Phenomenon (VSP): a cycle of feelings and related
actions that attract positivity, energy and growth.
Appendix E: UDHR – Plain Language Version

U D H R
( U N )

1. When children are born, they are free and each should be treated
in the same way. They have reason and conscience and should act
towards one another in a friendly manner.
2. Everyone can claim the following rights, despite
- a different sex
- a different skin color
- speaking a different language
- thinking different things
- believing in another religion
- owning more or less
- being born in another social group
- coming from another country
It also makes no difference whether the country you live in is
independent or not.
3. You have the right to live, and to live in freedom and
safety.
4. Nobody has the right to treat you as his or her slave and you
should not make anyone your slave.
5. Nobody has the right to torture you.
6. You should be legally protected in the same way everywhere, and
like everyone else.
7. The law is the same for everyone; it should be applied in the same
way to all.
8. You should be able to ask for legal help when the rights your
country grants you are not respected.
9. Nobody has the right to arbitrarily (without valid reason) put you in
prison, to keep you there, or to send you away from your country
unjustly.
10. If you go on trial this should be done in public. The people who
try you should not let themselves be influenced by others.
11. You should be considered innocent until it can be proven that you
are guilty. If you are accused of a crime, you should always have the
right to defend yourself. Nobody has the right to condemn you and
punish you for something you have not done.
12. You have the right to ask to be protected if someone tries to
arbitrarily harm your good name, enter your house, open your letters,
or bother you or your family.
13. You have the right to come and go as you wish within your
country. You have the right to leave your country to go to another
one; and you should be able to return to your country if you
want.
14. If someone hurts you, you have the right to go to another country
and ask it to protect you. You lose this right if you have killed
someone and if you, yourself, do not respect what is written
here.
15. You have the right to belong to a country and nobody can
arbitrarily prevent you from belonging to a country if you
wish.
16. As soon as a person is legally entitled, he or she has the right to
marry and have a family. In doing this, neither the color of your skin,
the country you come from nor your religion should be impediments.
Men and women have the same rights when they are married and
also when they are separated. Nobody should force a person to
marry. The government of your country should protect you and the
members of your family.
17. You have the right to own things and nobody has the right to
arbitrarily take these from you.
18. You have the right to profess your religion freely, to change it,
and to practice it either on your own or with other people.
19. You have the right to think what you want, to say what you like,
and nobody should forbid you from doing so. You should be able to
share your ideas also – with people from any other country.

20. You have the right to organize peaceful meetings or to take part
in meetings in a peaceful way. It is wrong to force someone to
belong to a group.
21. You have the right to take part in your country’s political affairs
either by belonging to the government yourself or by choosing
politicians who have the same ideas as you. Governments should be
voted for regularly and voting should be secret. You should get a
vote and all votes should be equal. You also have the same right to
join the public service as anyone else.
22. The society in which you live should help you to develop and to
make the most of all the advantages (culture, work, social welfare)
which are offered to you and to all the men and women in your
country.
23. You have the right to work, to be free to choose your work, to get
a salary which allows you to support your family. If a man and a
woman do the same work, they should get the same pay. All people
who work have the right to join together to defend their
interests.
24. Each work day should not be too long, since everyone has the
right to rest and should be able to take regular paid holidays.

25. You have the right to have whatever you need so that you and
your family: do not fall ill or go hungry; have clothes and a house;
and are helped if you are out of work, if you are ill, if you are old, if
your wife or husband is dead, or if you do not earn a living for any
other reason you cannot help. Mothers and their children are entitled
to special care. All children have the same rights to be protected,
whether or not their mother was married when they were
born.
26. You have the right to go to school and everyone should go to
school. Primary schooling should be free. You should be able to
learn a profession or continue your studies as far as you wish. At
school, you should be able to develop all your talents and you should
be taught to get on with others, whatever their race, religion or the
country they come from. Your parents have the right to choose how
and what you will be taught at school.
27. You have the right to share in your community’s arts and
sciences, and any good they do. Your works as an artist, writer, or a
scientist should be protected, and you should be able to benefit from
them.
28. So that your rights will be respected, there must be an ‘order’
which can protect them. This ‘order’ should be local and
worldwide.
29. You have duties towards the community within which your
personality can only fully develop. The law should guarantee human
rights. It should allow everyone to respect others and to be
respected.
30. In all parts of the world, no society, no human being, should take
it upon her or himself to act in such a way as to destroy the rights
which you have just been reading about.
Bibliography

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about language and therapy”, Science & Behavior Books
Batson, D. (1987). “Distress and empathy: two qualitatively distinct
vicarious emotions with different motivational consequences”,
Journal of Personality, vol. 55
Berne, E . (1964). “Games people play”, Ballantine Books
Cannon, W.B. (1920). “Bodily changes in pain, hunger, fear and
rage”, D. Appleton & Company
Carnegie, D. (1936). “How to win friends and influence people”,
Simon & Schuster
Freud, S. (1900). “Three essays on the theory of sexuality”, Hogarth
Press
Hicks, E. & J. (2006). “The law of attraction”, Hay House
Kohut H. (1984). “How does analysis cure?”, University of Chicago
Press
Maslow, A. H. (1943). “A theory of human motivation”, Psychological
Review, vol. 50, 370-396
Rosenberg, M.B. (2008). “The basics of non-violent communication”,
CNVC
Ruiz, D.M. (1997). “The four agreements: a practical guide to
personal freedom”, Amber-Allen Publishing
Segen, J. C. (2005) “The concise dictionary of modern medicine”,
McGraw-Hill Medical
Smith, P. & K. (2008). “The usual error: why we don’t understand
each other and 34 ways to make it better”, Connection Paradigm
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About the author
“Teacher trainer and public speaker on communication, conflict
management, and pedagogy, Irish-born Luke Archer, moved to
France in 1995. Combining his training in transactional analysis, NLP
and the structogram with his own techniques developed in almost
twenty years of teaching and management, he founded Betterfly
France, a teaching institute based in Lyon. He has worked with a
wide range of groups and individuals: from underprivileged children
and university students to teachers and CEOs of multinational firms.

His pedagogical versatility and creativity along with his desire to find
a means for individuals and groups to communicate effectively has
brought him to conceive training solutions, notably for the
dysfunctions in communication and teaching. Profoundly convinced
that a balance in interpersonal relations, both personal and
professional, enable a more proficient means to share and acquire
knowledge, skills and personal development, Luke provides a
panoply of efficient communication tools through Betterfly France.
His professional activity is centered on maieutic coaching,
pedagogical development and Verbal Aikido training (which he has
innovated and pioneered). Luke has helped enhance and perfect the
pedagogical tools for hundreds of teachers and numerous schools
who continue to call on his competencies to design student-based
learning programs and develop innovative communication
strategies.”
[1] Or ‘budo’
[2] Great teacher
[3] Cf. appendix E for a plain language version
[4] Cf. appendix A
[5] Cf. The Usual Error by P. & K. Smith. Illustrations after Martin Whitmore
[6] A calm and alert awareness of the reality of the world and our interaction with it
[7] Cf. exercises 1 & 2 in chapter 7 for options to facilitate this technique
[8] Cf. ‘Understanding motivations’ in volume 2
[9] Cf. appendix B for examples
[10] Sincerity is essential in this style of remark; the Aikidoist must really believe it is a
‘good idea’, etc.
[11] To propose an energy balance during the exchange; indicated in transcript by ‘[- - -]’
[12] Illustrating the ‘positive bind’ choice set
[13] Cf. appendix B for examples of Irimi that you can use
[14] E.g. the most ‘confident’ person you know could be a colleague of yours or a political
figure, rating 10; a 0 would be the polar opposite
[15] Deshi is the Japanese term for apprentice or student, it is the term used in Verbal
Aikido for the learner who has already obtained a green belt
[16] Cf. volume 2