Cassandra's Rant - Comedic Female Monologue

Parody of Greek Mythology

CONTEXT:

This funny monologue for actresses comes from a one-act play called, "Irony." It is a comic mash-
up of various characters and situations of Greek Mythology.

According to ancient legends, Cassandra could predict the future, yet no one ever believed her. In
this scene, Cassandra is at a party in the city of Troy. While everyone around her celebrates the
marriage of Paris and Helen, Cassandra complains about all of the ominous signs around her by
pointing out the ironic behavior of the party guests around her.

CASSANDRA:

No, I am not enjoying the party. Behold poor souls! The fates turn backwards on themselves.
There is danger looming ahead. I can see our bleak future. I am doomed to know all of the
catastrophes that will befall us, yet no one believes me. Therefore, hark, Paris, Prince of Troy. All
is twisted and sour -- and I am not just talking about the fruit punch. Can you not see all of the
signs? They are all around us, even as we celebrate. Look there, Hercules the strongest man in the
world can break anything, but he cannot break dance. And look here, Hades is the Lord of the
Dead, yet he's the life of the party. Sisyphus refuses to rock and roll. Prometheus the Titan gave
us the gift of fire, but he's banned smoking. Ares has made peace with the fact that his brother
Apollo isn't very bright. Narcissus broke up with himself. Orpheus only speaks the truth, but he
plays a lyre. Dionysus is sober but Icarus is high, Poseidon is sloshed and Medusa just got stoned.
Atlas is on top of the world. Athena is proud of her humility, and Hermes thinks that hubris
belongs on pita bread. Zeus knows everything except how to spell the word omniscient, and Thor
-- What the hell is Thor doing here? Midas has the Golden Touch but thanks to Aphrodite he also
has a touch of herpes. Medea is offering advice on parenting. Antigone is agreeable. An audience
smart enough to understand these jokes is too intelligent to be amused by them. And Oedipus'
date looks old enough to be his mother! And what do all these foreboding signs forebode? We are
all doomed to die. The Greeks are preparing an attack. They will lay siege to this city and destroy
this city and everyone within these walls shall perish by flame and arrow and sword. Oh, and
you're out of napkins.