Luebbe 1

Kathrine Luebbe

Professor Penny Sobocinski

English Composition II

29 March 2020

Why do people divorce?

Have you ever been through a divorce and wonder where it went wrong? Are you trying

to decide to wither or not you should get a divorce? These are all things that people wonder

every day. People must realize that they are not alone in this process. According to the Centers

for Disease Control and Prevention, 787,251 couples a year file for divorce. Each couple has

their reasons for getting a divorce and they aren’t all the same. It is important for people who are

thinking about getting a divorce know what it fully in tales. But it is also important that they

realize why they are getting a divorce. Making the wrong decision shouldn’t be a question at the

end of the process. Married couples consider getting a divorce for reasons like; financial

problems, marrying young, abuse, addiction, and cheating.

Most people know what a divorce is. They know that it is not as simple as just taking off

a ring, moving out, and going on with their life. A divorce is more than that. When getting

married, you are legally attached to another person. It’s not as simple as just dating someone,

where you can break up and never have to deal with them again. Marriages are when people

combine their lifestyles and are stuck together unless legal action is taken. In simple terms, a

divorce is where two people sign legal forms that terminate a marriage. While it is easy to look at

divorce like that, it is so much more than that. Divorce is a changing of an entire life. As

Justia.com said, it is the division of assets, it determines child custody, and decides on alimony.
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When deciding to get a divorce people to choose to lose family, places to go during the holidays,

and so much more. They don’t necessarily have a strong support system anymore.

While in hindsight it may look like a divorce only affects the two people getting a

divorce, but one has to remember that there were other people involved in that marriage. It

affects both parties' parents and families. It is also hard on mutual friends that the two may have.

But most people don’t think about how it affects the children they may have had together. Wither

the child is 3 months old or 30 years old, it is going to have a lasting impact on them. According

to familymeans.org children whose parents have gone through a divorce are more likely to start

feeling guilty, lose interest in social activities they were apart of before, and they may start to

have a decline in their academic performances. While these tend to be more short-term issues, a

divorce can have long-lasting impacts on a child's life. They are “two to three times as high as

children who come from non-divorced families” to get a divorce in their relationships, according

to familymeans.org. The event can affect people's mental health as well. People after getting the

divorce finalized tend to have severe depression, stress levels spike, and have ongoing hostility

towards one another.

One major issue that most marriages run into at some point is financial problems. While a

lot of couples can push through it, some just can’t handle the stress of money anymore. The

stress of finances doesn’t start when two people get married or decide to live together. It starts

way before that, it just hasn’t had to affect anyone else yet. The major thing that people run into

with finances at the beginning of a marriage is debt. Things such as car loans and student debt

can make it set into reality how much they are spending on loans. Chances are that both people

in the relationship are going to have some time of debt, and while they were making ends meet

before they got together, budgeting is a lot different when it goes from one income to two.

According to Marketwatch.com, “data released... by financial firm TD Ameritrade found that

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41% of divorced Gen Xers and 29% of Boomers say they ended their marriage due to

disagreements about money.” Financial issues could in tale student debts, bills, or mortgage

payments, that they are struggling to pay month to month. The struggle of the payments leads to

arguments, sometimes over little things, like buying a drink at a gas station instead of packing

one. While they might normally be upset, the amount of stress on them makes their anger levels

spike to an all-time high. This is called the difference between a spender and a saver. People who

are controlling over money can also cause issues within a relationship. The people that are in a

relationship with someone who is controlling, questions every purchase that they make because

their partner may act in some way. Even if the purchase was something they needed but wasn’t

in the exact budget at the time can cause major conflicts. In nearly all marriages, one person is

going to make more money than the other. This can make some feel that there is not an equal

contribution when it comes to finances. The one making more money can feel as if their money

is the only one going towards the bills. And their partners are going towards entertainment.

As if the bills and other payments weren’t enough to stress financially, kids add even

more stress. In the first year of life, a parent spends roughly $12,000 on 1 child. That includes a

crib, diapers, wipes, food, clothes, and all the other things that kids need. That is not including

any extra medical needs that a child might need after birth. In the 18 years that parents typically

buy things for their kids, they spend roughly $233,610. That can be adjusted if they play club

sports if they get a car and all the food and clothes that the parents buy. If they have a second

child down later in life, they may not have to spend quite as much because they may have kept

the crib, and some clothes but that doesn’t mean they aren’t going to spend more than $200,000.

Parents don’t stop help paying for things when their kids move out though. They also tend to

help pay for their kid's weddings, buy Christmas and other holiday gifts, but it doesn’t stop there
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either. When they have grandkids, they are going to want to buy them things too. And while this

is not always the case, it is a common thing for these things to happen.

Another thing that can contribute to the rate of divorces is when people marry young.

When people get married young, it can be for a few reasons. They may have accidentally gotten

pregnant or they could be caught up in their feelings. Whatever it maybe they are going to

change over time. A person that is 45 years old, is not going to be the same person they were

when they were 20 years old. The person is going to mature and have changing habits over time.

When people get married young, they sometimes don’t grow in the same direction, they take

different paths you could say. Sometimes when people marry young, they will hold grudges

when they are older. They feel that they were being trapped in the relationship and couldn’t do

what they wanted. They can feel like their partner made them miss out on things like,

spontaneous trips, going out with their friends, and losing career advancement opportunities.

While some people still get married young, the age that most people get married is rising

slowly over the years. The divorce rate spiked in the 1980s where the divorce rate was nearly

50%. Today it is estimated that it has declined and is at 39%. This rate was effected because

most people are waiting longer to get married, which in returned shown that their divorce rates

are lower. A lot of countries are now waiting until their late 20’s and 30’s to get married. People

are now getting their careers off the ground before they get married and settle down. While some

countries in Africa are still getting married from any age from 15-19 typically, their divorce rates

are lower than the United States are. While there is no proof of why this is, many think it is

because of the way that they run things in Africa. In Africa, their marriages are commonly

polygynous, where the husband can have many wives. These also means that the mother and her

children are the foundation of the family rather than the mother and father. It is also common that

the mother and father don’t live in the same house. She may live with her immediate family,
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whereas he lives with his immediate family. If they do live together it is most likely not alone.

People in Africa tend to live with lots of extended family in the home as well. Here in the United

States, according to census.gov, in 2019, on average men tended to wait until they were around

the age of 30 to get married. Whereas women waited until they were 28 on average. Now, this is

different than the ages in 1930. Men only waited until they were around the age of 24 and

women-only waited until they were between the ages of 21-22 typically.

Abuse is another reason people get a divorce. People who are experiencing abuse in a

relationship, tend to struggle to leave their partners more. This could be because they are scared

of what their partner may do if they try to leave, or it could be because they truly think that their

partner will change. Many people think abuse is just hitting and hurting another person, but it

doesn’t only have to be physical abuse. Sexual abuse is the infliction of sexual contact upon a

person by forcible compulsion. Sexual abuse could be the partner trying to have sexual relations

with someone who is not consenting to it. Of a group of 747 males, of those who reported being

sexually abused in their past, 35% of them became perpetrators and 11% were not perpetrators.

While in the study of 96 women, of those who had reported sexual abuse, 43% were victims and

there was only 1 perpetrator. Another form of abuse is emotional, which happens to be the most

common abuse to occur. Emotional abuse can be anything from verbal abuse and constant

criticism to more subtle tactics, such as intimidation, manipulation or refusal to ever be pleased.

While emotional abuse is commonly connected to psychological abuse, neither is talked about

much. Psychological abuse is, but not limited to, causing fear by intimidation and could also be

forcing someone to isolate family out. The fifth type of abuse is economic abuse. This is when

“someone uses the money to control their partner, by withholding access to funds, preventing

them from earning income or running up debt in the person's name,” according to

consolidatedcredit.org. People who experience economic abuse find it hard to leave because they
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have to state all over. They have to start from the bottom up. All abuse is bad but only some can

be seen by the eye.

Abuse of any kind is not something to play around with, especially in relationships. Even

if the person being abused can get out, they can obtain “anxiety disorders and various forms of

depression,” according to mentalhelp.net. They can also develop posttraumatic stress disorder,

which is when certain triggers bring back memories of the trauma that occurred. People who are

abused in relationships, also find it harder to trust people and get in other relationships. The

person who did the actual abusing also doesn’t have an easy life. That person can face fines, jail

time, and more. Depending on the scenario they could be registered as sexual offenders. As a sex

offender, they have to watch where they live, what they do, and who they interact with. It is also

harder for them to find jobs. They could potentially be registered for their whole life.

Addiction is another thing that can occur in relationships and make people want to file for

divorce. Addiction can be brought on fairly easily. Addiction isn’t only drugs and alcohol.

Addictions can be gambling, shopping, eating disorders, sexual relations, and more. It can cause

a lot of stress on a relationship. When people become addicts, some have to rely on it 24/7. That

means that they can’t work and bring in income into the home. This means that their partner has

to work double as hard to support them. They are not only having to pay for the necessary things,

but they also have to pay to feed their partner's addiction. According to drugrehab.com, if

someone is already addicted to alcohol, they are fifty percent more likely to get a divorce than

people who are non-drinkers.

Most people who see someone with an addiction, see how much it affects that person.

But what people might not think about is how much it affects their family members. The stress

on a spouse is not only financially but it is also caused by the fighting between the two different
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parties. It is hard to argue with someone when you know that you are only trying to help them,

and they aren’t willing to accept it. Everyone has a breaking point and people can only take so

much. While people need to support each other through their bad times, people can only handle

so much. By the time that the person who has the addiction realizes what happened, it tends to be

too late. It’s too late to get their partner back and it’s too late to keep their family together.

Cheating. Everyone has a different definition. Is it only kissing? Or is it any kind of

flirting? This is one topic that has a different definition for every person. According to

Urbandictionary.com, cheating is “someone who is in a committed relationship and breaks the

trust of his or her partner by getting physically or emotionally involved with another person.”

Men that tend to cheat on their partners are more likely to do it because they aren’t getting their

sexual needs satisfied. Men are more likely to feel insecure if their partner is denying their love

and affection and it urges them to cheat. Women on the other, tend to cheat to fill an emotional

hole. They are more likely to feel unappreciated or ignored. They feel that if someone else were

to pay attention to them, it would somehow fill that missing part inside of them. There are certain

factors though that could push cheating into an action. If there are financial struggles, lack of

intimacy, or lack of communication, and increase the chance of cheating in a relationship would

appear. Another reason could be, they just aren’t happy.

While cheating within a relationship might just be blown over, there will always be that

distrust in the air. If the couple were to stay together, there would be a sense of resentment, if the

feeling of jealousy and anger are not resolved. Some couples find it better to solve it on their

own, whereas others need a third party, such as a counselor. According to thelily.com, “an

estimated 15 to 25 percent of married, heterosexual couples experience infidelity.” It is estimated

that 40 to 50 percent of all marriages that end in divorce is due to adultery. It is said that in
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relationships were infidelity is involved 54.4% break up when the news was told. 30% of the

relationships try to stay together but end up ending things. And only 15.6% can get past it

Every relationship has its ups and downs, but it is the way that it is handled, that

determines if it will succeed or not. The first step in trying to save a marriage is determining

what is going wrong. Is it any of the reasons listed above or is something else? It is important to

know all the reasons that you think your marriage is in trouble. This is also important because it

allows for an easier conversation. The second step is to determine how you are going to approach

the conversation. Some people find it easier to talk to a third party, such as a counselor because it

allows someone who is not biased, to see both sides of the story. Or are you going to take the

conversation head-on and have it just between the two of you? There are pros and cons to both

and it something that you have to think about. The next step and possibly the most important is

to hear each other out. Both parties are going to need to express their emotions, without feeling

judged. While one may disagree with the other, it is important to listen. An important thing to

remember is not to get angry because there will be no progress to a happy ending. The fourth

step is for everyone to take responsibility for what happened in the relationship. It takes two

people to make a relationship, which means that both people have done something wrong. While

it not always the best feeling in the world to take responsibility, it is vital to move on. The

second to last step is making a pros and cons list. The list should include all the reasons why and

why not the marriage should end. The list could include all the happy and sad times, but it should

mainly be about if leaving or staying, is the best option. The last step is deciding. This is an

important step. This determines your future.

While it is easy to list these steps, these aren’t all of them. Just like the reasons listed

above aren’t all the reasons divorce happens. There are many little ones in between each of these

but these are the mile markers. Each step is going to have different durations of time and each
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step won’t be the same for everyone. Divorce is not something that you wake up one day and say

that you are done. It is a long and dreadful experience. Divorce is a common thing to occur in

today's society. This makes people think that it is their destiny to get divorced and that it is their

only option. People need to know their options and sometimes it is not laid out there for them to

see.

While these are not all the reasons why some people get a divorce, they are the top

reasons why. Divorce is not something that comes lightly and should be chosen at the right time

and for the right reasons. Financial struggles, cheating, abuse, addiction, and marrying young are

all things to consider when trying to figure out why a marriage may have ended. Both people in

the couple must be trying 100% to fix their relationship because if both party's hearts aren’t in it,

there is no hope.
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Works Cited:

“Cheating.” Urban Dictionary, www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=cheating.

“Ending a Marriage: Divorce, Separation & Annulment FAQs.” Justia,

www.justia.com/family/divorce/docs/ending-a-marriage-faq/.

“FastStats - Marriage and Divorce.” Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, Centers for
Disease Control and Prevention, 20 Jan. 2017, www.cdc.gov/nchs/fastats/marriage-
divorce.htm.

Gonzales, Matt. “Alcoholism Linked to Divorce, Studies Suggest.” Drug Rehab, 3 Mar. 2020,
www.drugrehab.com/2017/03/21/alcoholism-linked-divorce-studies-suggest/.

Hill, Catey. “This Common Behavior Is the No. 1 Predictor of Whether You'll Get Divorced.”
MarketWatch, MarketWatch, 10 Jan. 2018, www.marketwatch.com/story/this-common-
behavior-is-the-no-1-predictor-of-whether-youll-get-divorced-2018-01-10.

Thelilynews. “One Woman Cheated; Another Was Cheated on. Here's What Happened When
They Tried Saving Their Marriages.” Https://Www.thelily.com, The Lily, 6 Dec. 2019,
www.thelily.com/one-woman-cheated-another-was-cheated-on-heres-why-they-decided-to-
stay-in-their-marriages/.

“Website Menu.” FamilyMeans, www.familymeans.org/effects-of-divorce-on-children.html.

“What Is Economic Abuse? Examples and Tips to Overcome.” Consolidated Credit,

www.consolidatedcredit.org/infographics/what-is-economic-abuse/#gref.

“Effects of Abuse.” Mental Help Effects of Abuse Comments, www.mentalhelp.net/abuse/effects

-of/.