WELCOME TO MEDURA AT THE CATSKILLS WITH

MAGNI AND JESSI

JESSI: When I was a little girl my uncle Shmuel

would take me all over New York. We crossed
Delancey, we went down Canarsie. And everywhere
I would see Jews talking—it felt so wonderful seeing
people like me everywhere NOW, as a child I thought
there were only 2 kinds of Jews: Happy Jews and
Sad Jews. It was only when I grew up that I realized
the happy Jews were actually Italians.

MAGNI: Schwartz is sitting in his room, wearing only

a top hat, when Steinberg strolls in.
“Why are you sitting here naked?”
“It’s all right,” says Schwartz. “Nobody comes to
visit.”
“But why the hat?”
“Maybe somebody will come.”

1. TYLER RODRIGUEZ PLAYING GUITAR

Three mothers were sitting around comparing notes

on their exemplary
daughters. "There never was a daughter more
devoted than my Shirley ,"
said Mrs. Blum with a sniff. "Every summer she takes
me to the
Catskills for a week, and every winter we spend a
week at Delray
Beach."

"That's nothing compared to what my Marilyn does

for me," declared
Mrs. Pollack proudly. "Every winter she treats me to
two weeks in
Miami, and in the summer two weeks in the
Hamptons, in my own private
guest house."

Mrs. Siegel sat back with a proud smile. "Nobody

loves her mother like
my Sherry does...Nobody."

"So what does she do?" asked the two women,

turning to her.

"Three times a week she gets into a cab, rain or

shine, goes to the
best psychiatrist in the city, and pays him a hundred
and fifty
dollars an hour ....... just to talk about me!"

2. POTATO TELLS EVERYONE HOW THEY GOT THEIR

NAME

Subject: Van Gogh's Family Tree

His dizzy aunt ---------Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes ------Gotta Gogh

The brother who worked at a convenience store

---Stop n Gogh

The grandfather from Yugo-slavia -----U Gogh

The cousin from Illinois ----Chica Gogh

His magician uncle ----Where-diddy Gogh

The nephew who drove a stage coach----Wells-far

Gogh

The constipated uncle ------- Cant Gogh

The ballroom dancing aunt--------- Tang Gogh

The bird lover uncle ------Flamin Gogh

His nephew psychoanalyst -------- E Gogh

The fruit loving cousin ------Mango

An aunt who taught positive thinking ---- Way-to Gogh

The little bouncy nephew ---------- Poe Gogh

A sister who loved disco -------- Go Gogh

And his niece who travels the country in a van
---Winnie Bay Gogh

And there ya Gogh !

3. LEAH AND GIL ENTERTAIN EVERYONE

MAGNUS: Morty visits Dr. Saul, the veterinarian, and

says, "My dog, has a problem."

Dr. Saul, "So tell me about the dog and the problem."

"It's a Jewish dog. His name is Irving and he can

talk," says Morty.

"He can talk?" the doubting doctor asks.

"Watch this!" Morty points to the dog and commands:

"Irving, Fetch!"

Irving, the dog, begins to walk toward the door, then

turns around and
says, "So why are you talking to me like that? You
always order me
around like I'm nothing. And you only call me when
you want something.
And then you make me sleep on the floor, with my
arthritis. You give
me this fahkahkta food with all the salt and fat, and
you tell me it's
a special diet. It tastes like dreck! YOU should eat it
yourself! And
do you ever take me for a decent walk? NO, it's out
of the house, a
short pish, and right back home. Maybe if I could
stretch out a
little, the sciatica wouldn't kill me so much! I should
roll over and
play dead for real for all you care!"

Dr. Saul is amazed. "This is remarkable! What could

be the problem?"

Morty says, "He has a hearing problem! I said fetch,

not kvetch!"

4. SARAH LEVINSON-WALDMAN PLAYS THE PIANO

Mr. Cohen falls and is laying in the road. A lady gets

a pillow from
her car and lays it under his head until the
ambulance arrives.

"Are you comfortable?" she asks.

"Ah vell," he says "I make a living."

AND NOW ERIC WALDMAN WITH A SONG

(Jessi): Well we finally did it. It seems the first

Jewish president to the United States is elected.
Well, come the inauguration, It’s a cold January day.
The president is standing up on the tiny stage in the
middle of the Washington Mall and of course, the
new president’s mother is up on stage, ready to
honor such a simcha. So, while the new president
promises to uphold the honor of the presidency their
mother softly whispers to the Vice President, “You
see that woman, our new president?” Yes, of
course,” Says the VP, “Well,” says the mother, “her
sister’s a doctor!”

SARAH LEVINSON-WALDMAN PLAYS THE PIANO

5. AVI CASTELLANOS WITH AN ORIGINAL SONG

Several centuries ago the Pope decreed that all the

Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy.
There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community
so the Pope offered a deal.

He would hold a religious debate with the leader of

the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could
stay in Italy. If the Pope won, they'd have to convert
or leave.
The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise
rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as
the rabbi spoke no Italian and the Pope spoke no
Yiddish, both sides agreed that it would be a "silent"
debate.

On the chosen day the Pope and rabbi sat opposite

each other. The Pope raised his hand and showed
three fingers.

The rabbi looked back and raised one finger and

shook it at the Pope.

Next the Pope waved his finger around his head.

The rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a

chalice of wine.

The rabbi pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself

beaten and said that the rabbi was too clever. The
Jews could stay in Italy.

Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him
what had happened.

The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to

represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a
single finger, shaking it to remind me there is still
only one God common to both our beliefs.”
"Then, I waved my finger around my head to show
him that God is all around us. He responded by
pointing to the ground to show that God is also right
here with us.”

"I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God
absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to
remind me of the original sin.”

"He beat me at every move and I could not

continue."

Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask

the rabbi how he'd won.

"I haven't a clue," the rabbi said. "First, he told me

that we had three days to get out of Italy so I shook
my finger saying no.”

"Then he tells me that the whole country would be

cleared of Jews and I told him that we were staying
right here."

"And then what?" asked a woman.

"Who knows?" said the rabbi. "He took out his lunch
so I took out mine."

6. YARA AND JEN SING LEAN ON ME

 
At a Bar, a NUN stands and preaches to all who
would listen: Drinking is Bad.
Man: Have you tried it?
Nun: No, Never.
Man: Ok, you try once, if you don't like it, I'll give up
Drinking.
Nun: Ok, but bring it in Teacup, I don't want people
seeing me drinking.
Man goes to the bartender and says: Give me two
Shots of Rum in Tea-Cups.
Bartender: Is that NUN here again?

7. GABY ALTER PRESENTS A SONG

As a result of climate change, a new flood is

predicted by the world’s top scientists. They
announce it will be horrendous, wiping out over 70
percent of the world’s population.

And it will happen in four days.

To comfort the people of the world, the Pope, the

Dalai Lama and the Chief Rabbi of Israel appear on
TV.

The Pope says, “My children, there is still time to

accept Jesus as your savior.”

The Dalai Lama says, “I ask all of you to follow

Buddhist teachings, so that you may find inner peace
in the midst of disaster.”

The Chief Rabbi says, “My people, we have four days

to learn how to live underwater!”
8. BRETT SPIEGEL PRESENTS A SCHMERYL

Three men, a Frenchman, an Italian, and a Jew, were

condemned to be executed. Their captors said they
had the right to one final meal before dying.

They asked the Frenchman what he wanted.

“Good French wine and a baguette,” he requested.

So they gave it to him, he ate, and then they
executed him.

Next was the Italian’s turn. “Give me a big plate of

pasta,” he said. They brought it, he ate, and they
executed him.

Then came the Jew. “Please bring me a big bowl of

strawberries,” he said.

“Strawberries!!! They aren’t even in season!”

“So, I’ll wait…”

9. LEAH, GIL, SNUGGET, TALI AND AVIVA WITH THE

SERIAL

Four novice nuns were about to take their vows.

Dressed in their white gowns, they entered the

chapel for their symbolic marriage to Jesus, making
them “Brides of Christ.”
Just as the ceremony was about to begin, four
Hasidic Jews came in and sat in the front row.

The Mother Superior said, “I am so honored you want

to share this experience with us. May I ask why you
came?”

“We’re from the groom’s family.”

AND NOW FOR A KUMZITZ. SO ONE LAST GOODBYE