How to listen to your loved ones with

empathy
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when you yourself are feeling the
strain of social distancing
ANNMARIE CAÑO
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- / Sat, May 2, 2020 / 11:00 am

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Social distancing is challenging couples in an unprecedented way. (Shu erstock/shisu_ka)

COVID-19 has revealed a great many things about our world, including the vulnerabili es inherent in
our economic, health care and educa onal ins tu ons. The pandemic and the resul ng orders to
shelter in place have also uncovered vulnerabili es in our rela onships with others.

Many of us are not just dealing with our own feelings of anxiety, anger and sadness; we are dealing
with the anxiety, anger and sadness expressed by the people with whom we live and other loved
ones with whom we’ve maintained virtual connec ons. How do we respond with empathy when we
are feeling a host of emo ons ourselves? Is it even possible?

As a clinical psychologist, I have spent the last two decades studying how couples facing chronic
stressors can be there for each other in the midst of their own personal suffering. My research and
that of my colleagues has shown that it is possible, and even beneficial to oneself, to others and to
our rela onships if we learn to prac ce empathy and other skills even when we’re not feeling at
peace with the world. Considering that we will not be required to shelter in place forever, it makes
sense to put in the effort now to preserve and promote healthy rela onships that will last far beyond
the me of COVID-19.

Sharing emo ons is good, but listening is also required

Expressing our emo ons to loved ones is a natural response to feeling stressed. In fact, we share our
feelings with others for a number of reasons: to bond with others, to be comforted or to seek advice.
Sharing our feelings with others can help us get a handle on our emo ons.

But it’s not just the act of disclosing emo ons that helps us feel be er. Having a listening partner
who is emo onally responsive and “gets it” is key.

It’s difficult to really be there for someone when we are feeling stressed out ourselves. In
fact, listening to our loved one’s suffering can adversely affect our well-being. My colleagues and I
have found that couples in which one or both partners experience chronic pain report feelings of
isola on, helplessness and resentment in their rela onships that affected their emo onal and
rela onship well-being.

Even when both partners have chronic pain, they may experience it differently and have different
coping strategies and emo ons surrounding an uncertain future with a chronic illness. Yet, couples
found that building what we psychologists call rela onal flexibility skills supported their quality of
life and their rela onships.

Prac cing a new set of skills

The ability to share feelings with a partner and listen to a partner’s feelings in a nonjudgmental
manner that respects both partner’s values is something that we therapist calls rela onal flexibility.
Our research has shown that there are several ways to cul vate rela onal flexibility skills.
 1. Reconnect with your values: We can get caught up in the moment and forget what is really
important. Therapies like acceptance and commitment therapy and spiritual prac ces can
support realign our ac ons with our personal values so that external worries, me pressure or
0 other factors do not drive our behavior. Imagining what we want people to say at our
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re rement, birthday or anniversary party or even at our funeral can bring your values into stark
focus.

2. Be curious: Stop and consider how we would want our listening partner to react if we were
sharing these same feelings. And consider why they may be feeling the way they do. What
might they need right now? You might be surprised to learn that your partner may not always
want you to problem-solve when they are upset. O en, they already know what to do but are
seeking emo onal support instead. Match your response to what they want. When in doubt,
ask.

3. Validate: Emo onal valida on, a key part of therapies such as dialec cal behavior therapy, is a
powerful signal that you accept someone for who they are. We can express emo onal
valida on by paying a en on to them, acknowledging that what they feel is real, reflec ng
back what we have heard them say, expressing our sorrow or anger about what they’ve
experienced, and asking ques ons about what you can do to support them.

4. Pay a en on to the present moment: It can be hard to hear about a loved one’s suffering.
Some mes we disengage, become distracted, jump into problem-solving mode, or change the
subject because it’s distressing to listen to a partner’s distress. With prac ce, you can monitor,
become aware of, and accept your own feelings even as you calmly listen to another. We
adapted medita ons from mindfulness prac oners and researchers including Jon Kabat-
Zinn, Thich Nhat Hanh in our couples interven ons and there are many more available on the
web.

5. Spend me with your loved ones in valued ac vi es: This is a staple of couple therapies such
as integra ve behavioral couple therapy and may seem like a common-sense solu on. But
spending quality me with loved ones is more difficult when our a en on is split between
working from home, homeschooling and caregiving, managing a variety of pandemic-related
stressors, and leisure ac vi es. Recall your values and make appointments in your calendars for
mutually valued ac vi es. The posi ve feelings that come from these ac vi es will sustain you
both.

Limits to listening

To be sure, we have our limits when listening to another person’s pain. Even our most tolerant and
loving partners may not be able to respond the way we hope. This might be because they need to
decompress. In this case, it may be wise to seek out others who share your situa on or
circumstances for peer support. And if you are the listener, and you feel overwhelmed by another’s
pain, it’s important to take care of yourself and let them know that you are not able to give them
what they need. And if you or your loved one discloses that they are feeling so down that they are
thinking of harming themselves, it’s me to seek emergency support.

For those of us sharing the good, the bad and the ugly with loved ones during this pandemic, let’s
recognize that we have much to be grateful for our rela onships, however socially distant we have
to be right now. This me of great stress will eventually pass and we will be out and about again.
Prac ce rela onal flexibility to ensure that you and your loved ones will enjoy that happy day
together.

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Annmarie Caño is Professor of Psychology and Associate Provost for Faculty Development and Faculty
Success, Wayne State University.

This ar cle was first published on The Conversa on. Read the original ar cle.