House of Virgins

Episode #1 (Pilot)

Written by ​Jordin Atkins

contact: ​contactoatkans@gmail.com
 Scene #1

We open to a city on planet Memek, a closer shot reveals

buildings on fire and a gruesome looking purple monster roaming
the town. We now see a man in thick-rimmed glasses, a Star Wars
T-Shirt and Mickey Mouse branded shoes running, vaulting and
performing various acrobatics on top of buildings. This man's
name is Keith.

KEITH

I have it in sight, should I move in now?

He is talking into a wrist watch. We hear a voice coming through

the wrist watch's super speakers.

VOICE

Noooooo, don't move in. Not just yet. Why don't you grab
a nice chai latte first? Oh, better yet, find the nearest
soylent truck and-

Keith

Alright, alright! There's really no reason to be savage!

I'm moving in now...

Keith leaps off of the building and lands on the ground,

creating a small crater.

Keith
 Hey! Stop!

The purple monster turns around and sees Keith. The monster
yoinks two nearby victims and runs off, leaving a trail of white
fluid.

Keith

Oh, no you don't...

Keith presses a button on his wrist watch, and strikes a pose.

Keith

Soy Propeller Grande!!

A device similar to a jetpack erects from Keith's backpack.

Keith follows the monster at an extremely fast speed, fuelled by
the Soy Propeller Grande!

The monster shoots a white liquid at Keith, and climbs up a

nearby sky-scraper.

Keith

Who do you think you're fighting?

Shield of Hyrule!!
Keith pulls out a blue shield with strange golden designs all
across, blocking most of the white liquid.

Keith

Eh, a drop got in my mouth.

Keith spits the liquid out.

Keith

Hmm... not that bad...

Keith stops, and propels up the top of the building with amazing
speed.

The monster is there, covering his victims with the same white
liquid.

CAPTURED MAN

Ehh... It tastes like soy milk!

Somebody please help me!!

Keith arrives at the top of the building; the Soy Propeller

Grande retreats into his bag.

The monster turns around. His victims are covered in the white,
unnamed liquid.
 Keith

Your reign of terror has ended, Morkol!

Give up now, or else!

MORKOL

You virgins... So virtuous, idealistic...

Why do you do it? I cover things in my anal

fluid for sexual pleasure. It's not hurting
anybody. But you...

You must have a reason for butting into my

personal business... What is it?

Keith

Your personal business stops being personal

when you put other people in danger!

You started an intergalactic state of

emergency. You have AIDS, man.

You can't be infecting all these planets with

your reproductive juices like that, c'mon!

Morkol

Shut up, you ignorant little shit stain!

The House of Virgins has ruined my fun

for the last time...

Morkol secretes his anal juice; it hardens into a sword.

 Keith

So, it's come to this, huh?

Sword of Plentiful Soy!!

A sword with an 'S' on the handle seemingly materializes out of

thin air into Keith's hand.

Keith

En garde!

Keith and Morkol proceed to sword fight on trump tower, next to

people drenched in alien anal fluid.

In the intense sword fight, Keith eventually hits Morkol's sword

so hard, it breaks in two.

Morkol

Well, I guess I am getting older...

But then again, why use a sword when

you could use... a gun?

Morkol creates a fully functional pistol out of his anal fluid.

Morkol

Whatcha gon' do now, you little

soyboy bitch?
 Keith

Hahaha...

Keith takes off his backpack.

Keith

You say that like I see 'soyboy' as

an insult...

Keith unzips his bag.

Keith

But that's a title I embrace, and

one I'll have until I die...

Keith takes out a gun of his own...

The Infinite Soy Grande Rocket!

Keith

As a member of the House of Virgins!!

Morkol

NOOOOOOOOOOO!!
Keith fires at Morkol.

Morkol Explodes.

Anal fluid covers the whole city.

Keith wipes the Anal fluid off his glasses and walks over to the
victims.

Keith

All's well that ends well, huh?

CAPTURED WOMAN

You fucking degenerate asshole!

Keith

Yeah, I did a pretty good- Wait, what?

Captured Woman

What do you mean, "what?"

You need me to spell it out for you?

Your little cannon got soy all in my

boyfriend's mouth.

Keith

So what?
 Soy is a delicious and healthy

alternative to pretty much everything!

You should be thanking me!

Captured​ ​Woman

He's deathly allergic to soy!

Second, you've covered up all of

downtown in anal fluid!

Everybody who lives here has AIDS now!

And do you know how long this shit's gonna

take to clean up!?

It'll take forever for the town to get

back to normal!

I have AIDS!

You guys at the House of Virgins are a

fucking joke!

The two stand there in awkward silence.

Keith

Are you Susan Juniper?

SUSAN

Yes.
 Keith

Then I believe you owe me 19 memeks

for this job.

Susan

Here.

Susan gives Keith 19 memeks(the currency on planet Memek).

Keith

Ah, I believe you're forgetting

the 4 memek transportation fee?

Susan gives Keith four more memeks.

Susan

There.

Now go.

Keith

Tip?

Susan
 Now.

Keith

We hope you enjoyed your service from

the House of Virgins!

Please request a job again soo-

Susan

Did I stutter? I said go away!

Keith walks out of view.

He then walks back into view.

Keith

Your eyes are really beautiful.

You maybe wanna go out for some-

Susan glares at Keith.

Keith

I'll be on my way then.

Keith walks out of view.

End of Scene