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Volume 3 . Issue 26
May 2007
COUNCIL OF REFERENCE
IX
Publishers Nine Main Points
Catherine & David
Martin
Lightbulb On! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .2 Keeper of the Visual Rolodex . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 5
Your Love is NOT Enough . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .2 Chocolate, Flowers, Bait Fishing . . . . . . . . . . . . . .6
Editors The Performance of a Lifetime . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .3 The Truth About the Way You Look . . . . . . . . . . . .6
Cheryl & Michael The Loneliest Burden . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .4 Words for Your Heart . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 7
Chiapperino
Sex Changes Everything . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 5
22
Lightbulb
My surveys and interviews
repeatedly confirmed these truths.
Remember, the way your man is
wired is something to celebrate.
It’s part of why you
ON
love him. These dis-
coveries are meant to
change us and make
us better women for
our men. CBS
YourLove
is NOT
The
challenge. They want to conquer
Loneliest
new and exciting things. As contra-
dictory as it seems, men want the
challenge but know they risk humi-
liation. Especially at work where
the stakes are high, our men face
BURDEN
the fear that they won’t cut it. But,
as a former Green Bay Packer
shared, “Keep in mind that guys
can use that fear of failure for
good. It gets you out of bed in the
morning.”
Your man feels a burden to provide for you. No matter what. The
Anxiety about performance is drive to provide is strong, and it is so contrary to our stereotype of the
felt not just in the workplace, but beer-guzzling remote controller permanently parked on his recliner. That
also when men come home. Men God-given sense of duty is always on a man’s mind, even if he has a wife
worry about being good providers, who can provide for herself. The male identity at its core is the role of
good husbands, and good dads. If a provider. Men want to be dependable and depended upon. They want
a wife makes it clear that she feels to take care of those they love, and in doing so, they find their significance.
loved and happy and that she re- It is their primary way of saying, “I love you.”
spects him, her husband can breathe
easier and feel more secure that
he’s doing it right. The opposite
is also true. If a man continually
faces a miserable, disrespectful,
critical wife, he lives in fear that “For a man, bringing home a paycheck is love
he’s no good and never will be. talk, pure and simple. He has something to prove
(‘I can take care of you, I am worthy of you’)
and he wants to deliver.”
“Affirmation is everything.
How ironic that we often complain about how much he works when
When a man is affirmed, he our man is doing it to say, “I love you!” And how vulnerable your man
can conquer the world. is when times get hard and what he provides is not enough. Men live
When he’s not, he is with a constant fear of failure and pressure to provide well; they want
sapped of his confidence to do whatever is necessary to protect their ability to provide. Even if the
and even his financial struggles are not his fault, a man suffers incredibly inside.
his feeling of manhood.” continued on page 5
5
THE LONLIEST BURDEN
continued from page 4
of disinterested compliance says
Sometimes we are insensitive to this fear men live with, and we make “You’re incapable of turning me
it harder for them by complaining or pressuring them about working too on even when you try, and I really
much. Our husbands face anxiety both over the need to provide for the don’t care about what matters
current situation, as well as the future with all its uncertainties. That’s deeply to you.” He feels that “no”
why men who lose their jobs or are on welfare struggle with depression to sex means “no” to him as a man.
and lose hope. If you continually reject him, it can
result in him feeling a persistent
How can we respond? We can reconsider our previous conflicts lack of confidence, sense of isola-
related to this issue and perhaps approach our husbands with more grace. tion, and even a struggle with de-
We can appreciate the struggles and tough choices our men face as they pression. We can inadvertently un-
try to balance providing enough with being home enough. We can dermine the marriages we hope to
evaluate our own issues, like overspending or criticism, and choose a build by our carelessness in this area.
better path. We can help relieve the pressure by being supportive and As women we might have no idea
appreciative of the burden he carries. CBS we are damaging our husbands this
way!
How can we overcome these
Sex Changes
difficulties? We can choose to love
our husbands in this way that is
so crucial to their well-being. “But
once you realize that your man is
actually saying, ‘This is essential
to my feeling of being loved and
EVERYTHING
desired by you, and is critical to
counteract my stress, my fears, and
my loneliness,’ well~that suddenly
puts it in a different category.”
Did you know that sex unlocks a man’s emotions? Did you know that What’s the best way to respond?
you hold the key? Do you know how strong this need is for him and why? By giving your full self and emotion-
In my study a theme emerged, and it was an urgent one. The men I talked al energy when he approaches you,
to felt that women had no idea how critical this issue is. “For your hus- remembering how much it touches
band, sex is more than just a physical need. Lack of sex is as emotionally his heart. And even if you must de-
serious to him as, say, his sudden silence would be to you, were he simply cline, allow your words to reassure,
to stop communicating with you.” affirm, and adore the man God gave
The media portrays men as sex-obsessed with no emotions involved, you to love. As often as you can,
but that is not even close to the truth. In the deepest part of his being, be fully engaged, fully responsive,
your man feels alone and burdened by fears and anxieties about his wor- and fully in love with your man.
thiness. When you make love to him, you are assuring him that he is de-
sired and worthy. Your love and energy give him healing and strength and CBS
a sense of well-being like nothing else can. It isn’t about getting enough
sex; it’s about being wanted.
We women hold the keys to either greatly benefiting our men if we
Keeper
of the
provide a warm and wonderful sex life, or wounding them if we do not.
Giving a man regular, fulfilling sex is crucial to his feelings of being loved.
It is the loudest and clearest way we tell our men how important they VISUAL
are to us.
Why is this so important? So many men, even ones with good friend-
ROLODEX
When an attractive and well-
ships, live in a lonely world that is so foreign to us as relational women. dressed woman is giving a presen-
The comfort of making love with you eases that loneliness and provides tation at a board meeting, what
the power of intimacy men need. “A man really does feel isolated, even would be going through the minds
with his wife. But in making love, there is one other person in this world of the men in the room? We might
that you can be completely vulnerable with and be totally accepted and be surprised that all of the men,
nonjudged.” Sex is the strongest form of support you can give your hus- happily married or not, are likely
band as he attempts to face the world with confidence and a sense of to be struggling with sexual thoughts
well-being. and finding it hard to concentrate
We also need to realize what happens to our men emotionally when on her words. I was shocked to
they don’t get what they’re hoping for. If we don’t want sex, they feel continued on page 6
incredible rejection. And if we “perform” out of a sense of duty, they
will still feel a sense of rejection. They want us to want them. An attitude
6
KEEPER OF THE VISUAL ROLODEX
continued from page 5 So how can we be helpful? Pray
I want to reassure you that much for him and for your marriage.
discover how universal this temp- of a man’s desire to look is simply Check your heart and see if you
tation is for men. Being “visual” admiration of something beautiful, are supporting and loving him in
means that it is instinctive for men like looking at a painting. Remem- the way he most needs. Do you
to be drawn to images of women, ber also that this struggle is not love him as he is or for who you
both live and in their memories. your fault. There is nothing wrong want him to be? Be a support by
That fact might make us feel be- with you when your man notices appreciating his efforts to avoid
trayed or like failures for not being beautiful women. And know that temptation and stay pure. Affirm
attractive enough. But through my having this struggle does not impact him and ask him what he thinks
study I realized that part of a man’s your man’s love for you. will be the most helpful in this
hardwiring includes the compul- area. And be aware of the things
sion to look at beautiful women. that make it harder. Men are more
They can’t not be attracted. And vulnerable when they are “Hungry,
if they choose not to look out of Angry, Lonely, Tired (HALT
respect for their commitment to “There is no relationship checklist).” Be a champion of mod-
their wives, they can’t help but be with the woman who esty in your own appearance and
very aware of an attractive woman’s catches your eye. With help others to be aware, especially
presence nearby. your wife, you have a deep your daughters who might not
realize how they affect the guys
We may not realize that men and long and meaningful around them. Remember that God
possess a mental rolodex full of all relationship. There is created men this way, and it is good.
the sensual images they have ob- no competition there.” CBS
served over time. Some are positive,
of romantic times with you, but
others are not. “They are often im-
Chocolate, Flowers,
ages that have been involuntarily
burned in their brains just by liv-
ing in today’s culture~images that
BAIT FISHING
can arise without warning.”
Images are there, ready to pop into
their heads at any moment, and
they frequently do. Women don’t Contrary to popular opinion, men are not unromantic clods. My study
get this, because for us, it virtually showed a surprising thing~that men really do want romance and together-
never happens. My interviews con- ness, but are hesitant to step out in case they fail. The flip side of their
firmed over and over that this is a success drive is their hidden fear of failure. So instead of risking not get-
difficulty. For teenage boys, all the ting it right, they often choose to do nothing. Or if they have pulled off
time. For guys in their twenties, a huge romantic success, they might feel paralyzed by their inability to
nearly all the time. As men age, top it.
they’re more settled and the I discovered also that a man’s definition of romance might be different
thoughts come with less frequency. than a woman’s. Some men enjoy the traditional candlelight dinner type
How do we understand men of romance, but many men want to “do” things with their wives, to “play”
and their choices? First, remember together~maybe fish, or golf, or hike together. Realizing this helped me
it is not a sin to be tempted. How view my husband’s requests to do something together in a whole new
we respond is the crux of the matter. light. I also realized how key sex is to the romantic experience for men.
Sensual images hit a man without We women might be content with a cozy candlelit evening to end with
his permission, and his response just a snuggle, but we need to understand that to our men, the evening
to be attracted is involuntary. The is not romantic without the crowning experience of making love. We have
powerful feelings of sexual pleasure so much power as women to bring a wonderful romantic dynamic to our
are involuntary too. But men can relationship.
CBS
at that point make a choice, wheth-
TheTruthAbout theWay
er to dwell on the thoughts, or to
send them away. Many men are
very serious about trying to avoid
temptation and come up with var-
ious diversions to help themselves,
especially those who are committed
to a wife and are regular church
YOU LOOK
I urge you to pray before reading this chapter~this is a challenging
attenders. It takes strength and subject our guys really want us to understand, but as women we find
great discipline for men to stay hard to take! However, what I’ve learned through this topic has given
committed to purity in this culture, me a much needed jolt out of my complacency. I did not realize how
and we need to appreciate that. important, how imperative it is to men that their wives take care of their
bodies. One man put it this way about his own wife. continued on page 7
77
THE TRUTH ABOUT THE WAY YOU LOOK
continued from page 6 worse, and we want him to love us
for what’s on the inside, not out-
ward appearance. But the outside
does matter. If we refuse to acknow-
ledge this, we are disrespecting and
hurting the men we love.
“If she doesn’t take care of Realize that his sadness if you
herself, dresses sloppily around don’t work at taking care of your
me all the time, never exercises, body is similar to how you would Volume 3, Number 26
and has no energy to go out feel if he never, ever took time to Publisher
and do things together, I feel romance you, even though he knew Catherine & David Martin
like she’s choosing not to do it was important to you. Can you
something that she should see now how critical this is? Our Editors
men want to be proud of us, and Cheryl & Michael Chiapperino
know is important to me.” a lovely wife helps them fight the
battle of temptation to look else- Published on the World Wide Web at
ChristianBookSummaries.com.
where.
It’s not that you have to be a
size 3; it’s that you need to make Where can you start? Ask for The mission of Christian Book
an effort to take care of yourself God’s help, ask your husband for Summaries is to enhance the ministry
of thinking Christians by providing
for him. It’s hard sometimes for his help (most are more than will- thorough and readable summaries
women to take this seriously. Life ing), and find the resources you of noteworthy books from
is so busy, and our husbands pro- need to be successful. It will be Christian publishers.
mised to love us for better or for worth every ounce of effort.
The opinions expressed are
CBS those of the original writers
and are not necessarily those
of Christian Book Summaries
Words for
or its Council of Reference.
YOUR HEART
I want you to know the single most important discovery I made about
Men by Shaunti Feldhahn. Copy-
right © 2004 by Multnomah Pub-
lishers. Summarized by permission of
the publisher, Multnomah Publishers,
P.O. Box 1720, Sisters, Oregon 97759.
the inner lives of men~the most surprising thing I found. I gave the men 92 pages. $14.99.
taking my survey one open-ended question, which they could answer ISBN 1-59052-317-2. Available
however they liked: “What is the one thing that you wish your wife/sig- at your favorite bookstore or online
nificant other knew, but you feel you can’t explain to her or tell her?” book distributor or log on to
And beyond all my expectations, the number one answer was: “How www.multnomahbooks.com.
much I love her.” I thought they might vent or complain, but a huge ma- The author: Shaunti Feldhahn has
jority wanted to express their love. What we as women need most, is to earned a master’s degree in public
feel their love, and I discovered that that is what they most want to say. policy from Harvard University. She
One man gave me such encouragement in the following words, words is a bestselling author and nationally
that should be an inspiration to every woman who wants to help her syndicated newspaper columnist
man become everything God wants him to be: “It is so true, that behind who has worked on Wall Street and
every great man is a great woman. There are a lot of men out there who Capitol Hill. She and her husband
are mediocre, simply because their wives will not support them and lead a home group for couples as
bring them to greatness. And there are a lot of mediocre men who are an outreach of their church.
destined to become great men~who are becoming great men~because Summarized by: Wendy Connell,
their wives love and support them.” a teacher, freelance writer, and mo-
CBS
ther of four. She is a graduate of
Houghton College and SUNY Os-
wego. Wendy, her husband, and
their family live in Canandaigua,
New York.