08/01/2010

Some guy whispered that my time has passed

Some girl said soon I will be just like dust

Some woman said I must be tired

Tired to fight, tired to fight, tired to fight…

Some man said that I will never find love

Christopher HItchens said there is no God

And everything I ever believed in

It’s too late, it’s too late to complain and search

Did I lose the world?

Or the world just left me to die

Did I leave my daughter standing in the storm?

Or my daughter was never born?

08/01/2010

Oh why you are getting married?

To a girl that is goody bore

I know you will be sorry

That she will never be me

Please don’t invite me

You silly guy

I got my life, my studies, my friends

And my new love…

Don’t ask me for my code

My code for you used to be love

Now that you have married for money

You are not invited to my world!!!

****

I’ve never been in love

Don’t look at me now

I know nothing at all

I have been a great pretender playing love

I know how to fool everyone but me

Maybe I am not meant to be happy

Maybe I am lost at sea

Maybe people born and die

Without any meaning any synchronicity

I have been living somebody else’s life

And no one sees me anyway

I have been a great pretender laughing with the crowd

But I feel completely disattached to any soul

When I leave unnoticed

I want someone to miss me

When I leave suddenly

I want someone to cry

You can call me selfish

But how I want someone to love

*** hey pretty girl

Big huge lashes, tall red boots

Bell bottom pants

you think you’ve got the world.

You hang out with rock stars,

Who don’t care about you.

You think you touch he sky

If your friends are cool.

But you’ve got to bring your own friend

And you’ve got to find it in your soul

To sing that song in your heart.

Your song, that nobody ever heard!
 08/9/2010

My bittersweet trip to the Ukraine and heavy sadness on my heart

because my grandma Anna Chorpita loyal believer and Christopher
Hitchens, an atheist, were both diagnosed with cancer.

Very recently my grandmother was diagnosed with colorectal cancer. I

am not sure what stage it is on, sometimes it is very hard to talk to my
relatives in the Ukraine or to get a straight answer about what is going
on. Although I am originally from the Ukraine I still do not understand
why is it so hard to find out information about cancer in the Ukraine. Or
maybe it is just my relatives, they feel so afraid to talk about it, as if
talking about it will bring cancer onto them. One of my cousins , who is
an oncologist has been telling my uncle stories how in the Ukraine,
doctors pretend to operate on the elderly. All the old cancer patients are
put under anesthesia, but the operation actually never takes place,
because doctors are afraid to operate on the older patients. I quickly
pointed out to my uncle that it sounds like an urban legend, and that it
cannot be true. However, my uncle says that my doctor cousin is very
reliable source.
At the same time as my grandmother was diagnosed with cancer,
Christopher Hitchens was diagnosed with esophageal cancer. Now they
both are going through chemo therapy. Christopher still remains the
most brave person, and he certainly made this world a better place for
justice, fairness, learning, understanding, and for those who are seeking
the truth.

I grew up with my grandma, in a very religious environment. Almost

every Sunday we went to church, and we had to stand on our feet for
about 2 hours. My grandma is a very kind and a very intelligent person,
someone who loves to read and to discuss things. She truly believes in
Jesus Christ and Christianity. She planted a seed of faith in me from the
very early childhood, but I did question things from the beginning, even
when I was little, some things did not make sense to me. Especially one
thing really bothered me, is that god can hear your thoughts and you will
be punished for bad thoughts. Of course, after I knew I was not suppose
to think bad thoughts, because I might go to hell, I tried very hard not to.
On the contrary, when I tried not to think bad thoughts, all I could think
was bad thoughts. At some point, when I was 11 I realized I am definitely
going to hell. This fear of hell lived within me for another 15 years.
Thanks to Christopher Hitchens and Richard Dawkins I was liberated
once and for all from this fear.
Another fear on the corner, fear of of uncertainty and mortality definitely
took over. And now two people most dear to me are going through a
labyrinth of cancer. I am leaving to the Ukraine in few days to visit my
grandmother and to be with her, to tell her about my life, to read to her,
to spend time with her as she taking pills of poison in her body.
Hopefully this poison will stop cancer on its tracks and not hurt her too
much. As I think about mortality and human life, it occurred to me how
unprotected we are from anything. The raging fires of Moscow due to
Global Warming are a scary reminder that we have to change our way of
living and address our selfishness. And how our times on Earth is very
limited. How it would be much safer to believe that there was someone
watching you and protecting you. But if there is really this someone, why
he/she did not stop cancer?

My grandmother taught me kindness and compassion, and Christopher

Hitchens taught me to accept my humanness and my polarizing self with
many colors. What a beautiful combination.
08/11/2010
I am going to see my grandmother
I am not a baby girl anymore
I have nothing to say n my defense
Except that I got old.

I do not know anymore than I used to know

I couldn’t catch a bird and hold on to it
I couldn’t save a life
Except I still got hope…

Maybe tomorrow I will stand on the edge

Maybe I will jump in the river of rainbow
Maybe I will swim with dolphins
Maybe I will find the secret
08/11/2010

I have to start my music again

Spend time with pianos and mikes
Save ever penny for my music
On a mission to save a baby girl that still believes in me…

I still want to be famous and rich

I still want to save the world from poverty and global warming
I still want to dance with somebody
Someone who loves me!

You left me
In the dust, in the dirt, in the quick sand
Make no mistake
You left me to die

After you left me

In the dark, in the pit
I did not even cream
No one would hear
You left me
you left me for my worst enemy – is me
You left me with the mirror
And I hate to see myself, I hate me

You left me forever

It’s like death to live without love
How could I ever dream that I would be happy
In the world where everyone leaves everyone.