Professional Documents
Culture Documents
7 Secrets To A Long and Happy Marriage
7 Secrets To A Long and Happy Marriage
marriage
1. “Divorce? Never. Murder? Often!”
Entering matrimony with the mindset that “divorce is not an option” is vital for the long-
term success of marriage, say the Marriage Masters (a term we gave couples who have
been happily married over 40 years). They went on to explain that this kind of mindset
allows a couple to see solutions to marriage’s boiling points — and trust us, not one of
our interviewee couples avoided such periods of relational strife — which would have
otherwise been overlooked simply because one eye was too busy examining exit
strategies.
Marriage Masters simplify this into one word: Commitment. And they’re quick to point out
that commitment is the virtue sorely missing from today’s marriages. That said, there are
deal breakers that very few of our interviewed couples advocated working through. These
are known as the three A’s — addiction, adultery, and abuse. A marriage overwhelmed by
any of these three issues is unhealthy, plain and simple, and the Marriage Masters
suggest that if you find yourself overwhelmed with any of the three A’s, take care of
yourself (and your safety) first, and the marriage second.
In the end, the old saying holds true: where your attention goes, energy flows. So the
next time you’re facing a mountain in your marriage, focus on the next foothold and soon
enough you’ll find yourself over the top.
Any time two individuals live together (especially over 40 years) there are bound to be
annoying, irritating, and frustrating experiences. But whether it’s the toothpaste cap,
toilet seat, snoring, or the last-minute pull-the-car-over-to-check-the-score-of-the-game-
at-the-local-bar move, one thing is for sure: the best marriages are served with an extra
helping of acceptance for one another’s peccadilloes. “And that’s the beauty of marriage,”
said Maurice, another Marriage Master. “All of our individualities, all of our wonderful
differences. You gotta have friction. You can’t get any heat without friction.”
We would do well, they say, to expect non-perfection; practice patience and give the
acceptance we want in return. There’s no doubt that this is hard work, but judging by the
end result, it’s well worth the effort.
Unexpressed frustrations in a marriage can pile up and weigh us down like an overloaded
gunnysack. These accumulated frustrations can quickly turn into resentments. “Holding
resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die,” said Sally,
married 50 years. “Resentment will eat away at your marriage.” The Marriage Masters
encourage us to unpack the “gunnysacks” by opening the communication lines as
frequently as possible.
But guess what? If we haven’t created and nurtured an environment where open, honest
communication is welcomed and treated with diligent respect, then we can wave these
crucial “clearing the air” moments goodbye. So where did some Marriage Masters go to
build that trusting, open environment? Weekend marriage retreats! These powerful
getaways stood out in many of our interviewees’ minds as the one experience that turned
their faltering marriage into a flourishing one. The trick, of course, is convincing the
husband to attend.
One woman, married 47 years before her husband passed away, disclosed her secret to
lifelong love. Every night, when her husband came home from work, they went up to
their bedroom and hung a sign on the door that read “Do Not Disturb: Marriage In
Progress.” For the following fifteen minutes they’d focus all their attention on one another.
No phones, no pets, no distractions; even the kids knew that mom and dad were not to
be bothered. When asked what they did in their bedroom, she laughed and said she’d
leave that to our imaginations. That was probably best anyway.
It’s always super-apparent in the best of the best marriages that both spouses have
followed this philosophy. Though it’s not a difficult concept to understand — putting one
another first —it’s surely a bit more difficult to practice consistently, especially with the
prevailing “Me first (and second)” mentality today. “The younger generations seem to
have a sort of me-me-me mentality,” says Donna Lee, married 45 years. “The great part
is that the me gets everything it needs when it puts the we first.”
The Marriage Masters are here to remind us that this adventure we call life goes by in the
blink of an eye; relish your sweetheart’s presence while he or she is still here.
“You are the master of your words until they are spoken,” a Marriage Master of 65 years
pointed out. “Then they become the master of you ... so choose your words carefully.”