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His Needs Her Needs PDF
His Needs Her Needs PDF
His Needs Her Needs PDF
His Needs,
Her Needs
B U I L D I N G A N A F FA I R - P R O O F M A R R I AG E
( A S I X - S E S S I O N S T U DY )
O
Willard F. Harley, Jr., His Needs, Her Needs Participant's Guide
Revell Books, a division of Baker Publishing Group, © 2012. Used by permission.
Published by Revell
a division of Baker Publishing Group
P.O. Box 6287, Grand Rapids, MI 49516-6287
www.revellbooks.com
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system,
or transmitted in any form or by any means—for example, electronic, photocopy, recording—
without the prior written permission of the publisher. The only exception is brief quotations
in printed reviews.
ISBN 978-0-8007-2100-8
The internet addresses, email addresses, and phone numbers in this book are accurate at the
time of publication. They are provided as a resource. Baker Publishing Group does not endorse
them or vouch for their content or permanence.
13 14 15 16 17 18 19 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
3 Intimate Conversation 23
4 Recreational Companionship 29
The Wrap-Up 47
5
Willard F. Harley, Jr., His Needs, Her Needs Participant's Guide
Revell Books, a division of Baker Publishing Group, © 2012. Used by permission.
7
Willard F. Harley, Jr., His Needs, Her Needs Participant's Guide
Revell Books, a division of Baker Publishing Group, © 2012. Used by permission.
has been called the best book on marriage ever! More than three
million copies of His Needs, Her Needs have been sold, and there
is no telling how many marriages have been revived, restored, or
enhanced because of the principles Dr. Harley shares in this classic
book. On their daily radio call-in show, Marriage Builders Radio, Dr.
Harley and his wife, Joyce, offer practical solutions and suggestions
to almost any marital problem. But perhaps the most impressive
qualification he and Joyce bring to the topic of marriage is that they
themselves have remained happily married for over fifty years. If you
spend any time with them at all, you will quickly discover that their
relationship continues to be fresh, vibrant, and fun.
Do you want a marriage like that? Or have you given up hope that
a romantic and passionate relationship is even possible anymore?
Well, Bill and Joyce Harley will not give up on you.
His Needs, Her Needs identifies the ten most vital emotional
needs for men and women and shows husbands and wives how
to satisfy those needs in their spouses. In this series based on
His Needs, Her Needs, you’ll learn to love each other more cre-
atively and more sensitively, and you’ll see that it’s possible to
virtually eliminate the problems that often lead to extramarital
affairs and divorce. As you watch these videos and work through
the sessions together, you’ll be given the amazing opportunity
to improve the present condition of your marriage—regardless
of how great or how challenging it currently is.
As the director of this video series, I can tell you that since
meeting Bill and Joyce Harley and working on these principles,
my twenty-five-year marriage to my wife, Judy, has never been
sweeter. I appreciate the Harleys—and I’m sure you will too.
John Grooters
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Willard F. Harley, Jr., His Needs, Her Needs Participant's Guide
Revell Books, a division of Baker Publishing Group, © 2012. Used by permission.
LEARN
Step 1: Watch the videos and learn from Dr. Harley and
his wife, Joyce.
These videos were produced in a style that simulates how the
Harleys would teach if they could personally lead your small group.
By filming with three real-life couples (one in their twenties, one in
their thirties, and one in their forties), they were able to share with
and react to couples who were willing to engage in this process.
ENGAGE
Step 2: Engage in small group discussion.
Real-life marriage counseling is a private encounter—few cou-
ples want to reveal their marital problems to a group. Therefore,
it is important that your small group agree to some basic ground
rules going into this study to protect each other’s privacy.
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Willard F. Harley, Jr., His Needs, Her Needs Participant's Guide
Revell Books, a division of Baker Publishing Group, © 2012. Used by permission.
Atmosphere of Respect
Please remember to always be respectful of your
spouse. Nobody should hear you fight! Also, remem-
ber that no marriage is perfect. You are not trying
to outshine or compete with the other couples in
the room. We are here to encourage and support
one another, to build up marriages that are blessed
by God.
Spousal Privilege
In a courtroom, the private conversations between
a husband and wife are not permitted to be aired
publicly or entered as evidence. If it’s not appro-
priate in the courtroom, it’s not appropriate in the
classroom. Group time is not the time for you to air
the dirty laundry of your marriage, and particularly
not the time to criticize or condemn your spouse.
Confidentiality
What happens in the group stays in the group. By
treating one another with respect and confidential-
ity, you will create a true sense of community and
an honest bond between couples. Anything shared
outside the group becomes gossip. Don’t go there.
Professional Supervision
A note on professional supervision or counseling:
if you find yourself or your spouse emotionally upset
throughout this process, or if you find yourself reluc-
tant to provide honest reactions, please seek profes-
sional supervision. Your pastor, for example, should
be able to guide you to a qualified professional.
RELATE
Step 4: Work on this together.
Schedule a date night later in the week when you discuss your
homework with one another. For each of the next six weeks (at
least), designate a date night when the two of you will share your
answers or surveys and talk through the questions in the “To
Consider Together” section.
These may well be the most focused and informative conversa-
tions you’ve had with one another since your first date!
What goes on for the rest of your date night is up to you. If you
have kids, they are not invited. Get a babysitter.
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Willard F. Harley, Jr., His Needs, Her Needs Participant's Guide
Revell Books, a division of Baker Publishing Group, © 2012. Used by permission.
13
Willard F. Harley, Jr., His Needs, Her Needs Participant's Guide
Revell Books, a division of Baker Publishing Group, © 2012. Used by permission.
3. Share with the group how you first met your spouse, and
recall the way Love Bank deposits were made in the early
days of your relationship.
6. Dr. Harley says there is one person that God wants you to
care for more than any other. What do you think of this?
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Willard F. Harley, Jr., His Needs, Her Needs Participant's Guide
Revell Books, a division of Baker Publishing Group, © 2012. Used by permission.
8. What did you find most helpful in this week’s video session?
Most challenging?
REFLECT
For Him and Her—The Emotional Needs Questionnaire
This week, take some time to complete the Emotional Needs
Questionnaire found on page 49. This questionnaire is designed
to help you determine your most important emotional needs and
evaluate your spouse’s effectiveness in meeting those needs.
Note: you can also find a copy of the Emotional Needs Ques-
tionnaire available for download free of charge in the “Question-
naires” section of the Marriage Builders website (www.marriage
builders.com).
RELATE
To Consider Together
1. Review your Emotional Needs Questionnaires with one
another.
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Willard F. Harley, Jr., His Needs, Her Needs Participant's Guide
Revell Books, a division of Baker Publishing Group, © 2012. Used by permission.
4. How did each of you prioritize your top ten list? Explain
why you made the choices you did.
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Willard F. Harley, Jr., His Needs, Her Needs Participant's Guide
Revell Books, a division of Baker Publishing Group, © 2012. Used by permission.
Affection and
Sexual Fulfillment 2
The thing she needs the most is affection. While this may not be
true for every woman, Dr. Harley has found it to be the number
one emotional need for most women. Would it surprise you to
learn that this isn’t true for most men?
The only known aphrodisiac is testosterone, and generally men
have more of it in their bloodstream than women. So, for men, sexual
fulfillment is nearly always at the top of their list of emotional needs.
Learning to meet one another’s needs starts with an open and
honest discussion of these biological and spiritual realities.
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Willard F. Harley, Jr., His Needs, Her Needs Participant's Guide
Revell Books, a division of Baker Publishing Group, © 2012. Used by permission.
5. Dr. Harley asked the question, “Why have sex?” How would
you answer that question?
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Willard F. Harley, Jr., His Needs, Her Needs Participant's Guide
Revell Books, a division of Baker Publishing Group, © 2012. Used by permission.
8. What did you find most challenging about this week’s les-
son? Most encouraging?
REFLECT
Questions for Him
1. On a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being “very affectionate,” how
affectionate are you toward your wife? How do you think
she would rate you?
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Willard F. Harley, Jr., His Needs, Her Needs Participant's Guide
Revell Books, a division of Baker Publishing Group, © 2012. Used by permission.
2. What are ways that you feel most cared for by your
husband? If you’re not getting enough affection from
your husband, are you willing to patiently coach him?
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Willard F. Harley, Jr., His Needs, Her Needs Participant's Guide
Revell Books, a division of Baker Publishing Group, © 2012. Used by permission.
RELATE
To Consider Together
1. Do you need to show more affection to each other? What is
stopping you from being more affectionate right now?
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Willard F. Harley, Jr., His Needs, Her Needs Participant's Guide
Revell Books, a division of Baker Publishing Group, © 2012. Used by permission.