No Boundaries: Overcoming

Codependence

JILL METZLER PATTON · NOVEMBER 2013

How to identify when you’re caring too much — and what you can do to
break codependent behaviors and cultivate healthier, more satisfying
relationships.

Dave is his son Jack’s biggest soccer fan — you can tell by his boisterous presence on
the sidelines. A former player, Dave knows what it takes to perform well, and he makes
sure Jack never misses a practice. He runs drills with him on nonpractice days and
monitors his diet to make sure he’s avoiding junk. After a bad game, Dave points out
missed opportunities and revisits problem plays. Jack is a decent player, but his dad
worries he won’t win a college scholarship if he doesn’t knuckle down.

If you ask Dave why he’s so involved with Jack’s soccer career, he’ll tell you it’s
because he loves his son and is willing to do anything to help him succeed. What Dave
doesn’t realize is that his sense of self-worth, his very identity, has become linked to
Jack’s success on the soccer field. Worse, Jack’s own sense of self-worth is slipping,
becoming tied less to his own performance than to how his dad sees himself in him.

Dave and Jack are fictional, but their stress-inducing dynamic is all too real. Experts call
this type of relationship “enmeshed,” “fused,” “poorly differentiated,” or
“codependent.” No matter what role a person plays, it’s as confusing as it is common.

The oft-loaded term “codependence” originated in recovery circles, where it’s used to
describe enabling and other maladaptive behaviors people use to cope with emotional
pain, such as a loved one’s alcoholism. But it isn’t just an issue for people involved with
addicts.

“Emotional fusion fits everyone to greater or lesser degrees,” says Ruth Morehouse,
PhD, codirector of the Marriage & Family Health Center in Evergreen, Colo. And these
dynamics pervade all kinds of interactions, from casual encounters to long-term
professional and family connections. Sooner or later, however, they can lead to
relationships that are unfulfilling and dishonest — even, and sometimes especially, with
the people who are most important to us.

“People treat you the way you teach them to treat you,” says Julie Sullivan, LCMFT,
founder of Looking Glass Therapy and Mediation Center in Leawood, Kan. “You’ve
put yourself in a certain role in a relationship, and then when you’ve had enough, you’re
stuck in this role.”

Codependent behavior is tricky to identify, however, because it’s often disguised as a

willingness to adapt to others’ needs or a selfless desire to help. We all see ourselves
through the eyes of others occasionally, but trouble starts when we overidentify with
how we’re seen (“I’m the reliable one!”) or become overly invested in how we see
others (“What you should do is . . .”). We get confused about where we stop and other
people begin.

And when we haven’t developed a strong sense of self — our place in the world, our
boundaries, our values — and haven’t learned the skills to communicate wants and
needs directly, we’re more likely to bend and fold ourselves to accommodate what we
think others want. Or to manipulate situations and people to get what we want from
them.

People consciously or unconsciously assign everyone else in their lives a role,

explains Lauren Zander, cofounder and chairman of the Handel Group, a corporate
consulting and private coaching company. They then devise strategies for dealing with
people based on their presumptions about what these people want from them.

“You are conducting a puppet show in your life with the people around you,” Zander
says. “You don’t realize that you are the director, manipulating people and situations
based on your opinion of them in your head.”

The specific roles we play in this “puppet show” are typically passed down from
generation to generation, says Jamie Huysman, PsyD, LCSW, a certified addictions
professional based in Orlando, Fla. The roles we take on as children are replayed when
we’re adults, and rare is the family that is immune to less-than-healthy dynamics.

“On one end of the continuum, you see the families of enmeshment where everybody
has their spoon in your soup,” says Huysman. “On the other are the families of total
detachment.”

Meanwhile, plenty of us land somewhere in the middle, neither smothered nor ignored,
but having nonetheless acquired a set of self-limiting beliefs about our place in the
world and our expectations of others. We all fall somewhere, as Huysman puts it,
“along the bell curve of codependence.”

The point is, most of us could learn a thing or two about setting healthy boundaries. To
that end, here are some of the most common codependent roles (don’t be surprised if
you see yourself in more than one) — and some suggestions for how to change the
script.
THE MARTYR
To suffer is virtuous, especially when you put others’ needs ahead of your own. At least
that’s the message you may have received from your family, religious institution, or
cultural heritage. At work, you’re always the first to pick up an extra project and the last
to leave the office, deciding to skip the gym when a friend wants company. You pick up
the tab, unasked, even when you’re broke.

The Problem: When sacrifice is a way of being, you neglect your own need to receive
love and care. Yet, paradoxically, that’s precisely what you are trying to get by
jockeying for others’ appreciation or indebtedness. The approach usually backfires: Not
only do you begin to resent those you’ve helped (who never seem to return the favor),
but your so-called beneficiaries either take your suffering for granted (you’ve trained
them well!) or begin to resent you right back.

A Healthier Choice: Self-Care

Understand the difference between selfishness and self-care. It’s not selfish to leave
work on time, or to meet your friend after your workout. It’s not rude to split the check
if you can’t afford to foot the bill. In almost every case, no one will go without if you
tend to your own needs.

“It’s the same concept of the oxygen mask in the airplane,” says Sullivan. “If you don’t
put your emotional oxygen mask on first, you can’t help anyone. You’ll be passed out in
the aisle.”

THE SAVIOR
The world is a dangerous place! Fortunately, you are here to save the day. When your
child has a conflict or faces a consequence at school, you are at the principal’s office
first thing the next morning to negotiate a solution. When your friend is short of rent
money (again), you float her a little cash (again) so she can make ends meet.
The Problem: Everyone needs help sometimes. But when you feel personally
responsible for another person’s comfort and well-being, you strip her of the
opportunity to create her own comfort and well-being. You enable self-limiting
behavior and effectively tell someone she is helpless without you. In time, she may even
come to believe this.
A Healthier Choice:Empowerment

Ask yourself what you really want for your loved ones. Do self-reliance and
competence appear anywhere on the list? If so, you have to step back and create the
space for them — and occasionally refuse to step in.

Or maybe you realize that what you really want is to feel needed and valued in your
relationships. Once you acknowledge this underlying motivation, take steps toward
finding a more direct approach to feeling valued. An outside perspective can help,
especially when it’s hard to imagine yourself outside the savior role.

“When you’ve found that you’ve forgotten yourself in this whole process,
transformation may be about getting yourself a therapist,” suggests Huysman.

THE ADVISER
If you were a character in a Peanuts comic strip, it would be Lucy, sitting behind her
makeshift desk offering advice about anything for a nickel. Indeed, you may have an
uncanny ability to see straight into another person’s problems and offer clear counsel.
Or you may just think you have great insight. Listening might not be your greatest
strength.
The Problem:This is a case where it truly takes two to tango: We may think of the
person who constantly seeks advice as the one who lacks self-esteem. But people who
feel compelled to perpetually advise and control others are equally insecure.“We call
this ‘borrowed functioning,’” Morehouse explains. “The one who’s taking charge or
telling someone what to do — that person is just as needy. They need someone who will
let them be in charge to artificially bolster their self-esteem. The dependency is equal.”

A Healthier Choice:Better Boundaries

What if you let your partner decide how to handle an argument with his parents? What
if a colleague comes to you with a problem, and instead of giving her advice, you just
listen?

In Facing Codependence (Harper & Row, 2003), author and recovery expert Pia
Mellody, RN, CSAC, describes boundaries as “invisible and symbolic ‘force fields’”
that “give each of us a way to embody our sense of ‘who we are.’” If you are overly
invested and involved in the decisions another person makes, you have breached his
force field (and he has allowed you to do so). By setting and respecting healthy
boundaries, perhaps with the help of a therapist, you can reframe your relationships
around mutual respect.

THE PEOPLE PLEASER

You enjoy volunteering at your neighborhood school and helping your neighbors with
their fixer-upper. You don’t mind making the Friday coffee run for your colleagues. It’s
especially nice when you feel the love, basking in the attention and praise that come
with your generosity. But being nice can have a dark side.
The Problem: You know you’ve found that dark side when you feel that your gifts
aren’t adequately appreciated, or when the thought of hosting another dinner party
seems more chore than joy. You really know you’ve found it when you use your
people-pleasing skills to control others, believing they will like you for the favors you
do rather than for who you are. “People pleasing is a very passive form of
manipulation,” says Marc Hertz, a St. Paul, Minn.–based consultant in the addiction and
recovery field. “We often do things for others to get what we want or need from them.”

A Healthier Choice: Say No

When you are about to volunteer yet again, ask yourself some questions: Does this
choice feed me or deplete me? Will these people really reject me if I don’t do what I
think they want me to do? How does my body feel when I imagine committing to this
— and when I imagine saying no?

“Every time you say yes to the small things, it prohibits you from saying yes to the big
things,” Sullivan says, suggesting that more-conscious choice-making frees you to do
the things that truly energize you.

“Learn to say no,” she says. “Practice it. Learn it.”

THE YES-PERSON
You say yes to a colleague when you mean no, then resent it. You smile in faux
agreement with your friend rather than say what you feel. You maintain détente with
your partner, but you never admit when you’re upset.
The Problem: “[Couples] tell me ‘We never fight’ and look at me like they want my
approval,” says Sullivan. In her opinion, a total absence of conflict means an erosion of
honesty.

Zander takes a similar view of artificial peace. “When I go into a corporation, the reason
half the people don’t tell the boss what they’re thinking is because they’re worried about
their jobs,” she says. Still, stuffing your honest feelings — rather than finding a gracious
way to express them — will cost you over time.

A Healthier Choice: Speak Your Truth

If you don’t speak directly about problems because you believe your directness would
cause trouble, Zander suggests rethinking your motives: “You don’t want to do damage,
but all you’re doing is damage. The truth gets to the underlying problem. If you don’t
express the truth, the issue or situation will never be resolved.”

It takes courage to speak truthfully and risk contradicting someone else’s viewpoint, but
being honest doesn’t have to mean being confrontational. Let an aversion to conflict
motivate you to find the most gracious, open-minded way to bring up thorny issues. As
Sullivan asserts, “Conflict does not equal fighting. There are healthy ways to bring
issues up and talk about what you’re feeling.”

If you see yourself in any of these roles, a hearty congratulations. Awareness is a critical
first step to growth. “We think these are normal struggles,” says Morehouse. “You have
to go through them and recognize them and see if you can develop a better way of
relating.”

In her view, it is by the gradual process of differentiation — learning to hold on to

yourself while maintaining relationships with others — that all human beings evolve
and grow. When you set boundaries and acknowledge your own thoughts and
needs, relationships become more honest, exploratory, and, ultimately, far more
fulfilling.

Changing enmeshed relationships won’t happen overnight. When one person changes
his or her role, others will shift accordingly — but not always willingly. As you start to
shed codependent behaviors, expect some pushback. Learning to handle it gracefully is
just another step toward more-satisfying relationships.
Or as Hertz succinctly puts it, “Do you want to pay the price for a bad relationship, or
the price to maintain a good one?”