Steptoe and Son

The Offer

Ray Galton and Alan Simpson

 ACT I
1 Scene 1 - Steptoe Yard 1

Harold enters through the gate with the horse

and cart (Hercules), Albert is waiting for him.
ALBERT
Whats all this then? Have you been out all day just
for this? Out all day just to get at this load of
rubbish?
HAROLD
Oh for god sake don’t start dad.
ALBERT
Didn’t anyone know you was coming? Has the clapper on
your bell gone or something? Or did you put slippers
on the horse so as nobody’d hear you?
HAROLD
Dad...

ALBERT
(Grumbles)
What have you been doing creeping round the streets?
Cor blimey... Eight hours you’ve been out. I used to
get more than this out of one house.
HAROLD
There ain’t so much junk about these days.
ALBERT
Listen son if you don’t shout out for it they aren’t
going to come looking for you. You’ve got to bawl
out. They can’t hear you creeping by.
HAROLD
(Indignantly)
I was shouting! I got a sore throat through shouting.
I’m cold so don’t start.
ALBERT
Well we can’t retire on this can we?

Rattles through the junk on the cart, finds a

set of bottles
Bottles... empty bottles...
(Grumbles)
It’s not good enough!

Finds a mattress and tests the springs, it is

old and the springs are rusty.
Who’s going to sleep on springs like them? They’ll
jump out and bite you in the back.
(Pauses)
I know it says Steptoe and Son Scrap Merchants on the
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 2.

ALBERT (cont’d)
gates, but you’ve got to do better than this Harold.
I mean, look at it!
Surveys all the junk on the cart.
Where’s the lead? I told you especially to keep your
eye out for lead.
HAROLD
Dad, there ain’t no lead about.
ALBERT
Well where’s the brass? There ain’t no brass here.
HAROLD
There ain’t no brass about either.
ALBERT
Of course there’s brass about! There’s always brass
about, and lead! You’ve got to shout for it though.
If it ain’t tied up in ribbons outside the door you
just don’t want to know do you?
(Pauses)
Go and feed the horse.

HAROLD
I’m going to.
ALBERT
That’s another thing, you don’t look after that
horse. How can you expect to get round quick if the
horse ain’t in good nick?
HAROLD
Now look dad, you look after the yard, and I look
after the horse and cart, alright?
ALBERT
He doesn’t get enough to eat, he’s entitled to eat
that horse is, same as you and me. He’s just as much
part of the business as we are!

HAROLD
Oh for god’s sake dad don’t keep on about that horse!
ALBERT
He’s a dumb animal, he can’t tell us when he’s
hungry!
HAROLD
Well this one can! The greedy hungry-gutted great
clodhopper!

ALBERT
You watch your language! Your mother didn’t like it
and neither do I. You haven’t learnt it from us, so
don’t come out with it.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 3.

HAROLD
Well he is a greedy hungry-gutted
(Stops himself)
Look, you say to stop outside people’s houses, I
daren’t stop! By the time I’ve got off the cart and
knocked on the door he’s got half their hedge inside
of him!
ALBERT
(Grumbles)
Well, come on then, let’s see what you’ve been
spending our capital on...
Moves towards the back of the cart.
HAROLD
(Irritated)
Now look, you moan about the way I treat the horse
and you moan about the way I go out totting. Alright
then, you go out with the cart. Go on, you go out!
I’ll stay here in the yard. Get up on that flank if
you’re so good at it! I’m sick and tired of sitting
up there, staring at that great backside all day
long, going up and down, up and down. You go out
tomorrow. And stop breathing down my neck! Come on,
help me unload this stuff!

Starts sorting through the junk.

ALBERT
You know I can’t take the cart anymore. Not with my
legs.

HAROLD
Well that’s it then isn’t it? You don’t want to say
anything do you? Otherwise I’m liable to turn this
lot in and be off. I’m sick to death of you, the
yard, the cart and the horse.