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Personal Growth

How to Quiet Negative

Thoughts with Self-
Compassion
Tip #3: Be a detective, not a judge

Nick Wignall
Nov 24 · 7 min read

Photo by luizclas from Pexels

Do you struggle with constant negative

thoughts about yourself? Is your self-talk
consistently negative, judgmental, or even
cruel?

If so, you know how much this steady

stream of negative thoughts impacts
almost every aspect of life—from your
own mood and wellbeing to your
relationships and performance at work.

And while it can seem like negative

thoughts are an inevitable fact of your
personality, that’s simply not the case.
Despite how automatic and uncontrollable
they can feel, it is possible to re-train your
mind out of unhelpful patterns of negative
thoughts and judgmental self-talk. And
one of the best methods is to cultivate self-
compassion.

Psychologist and researcher Kristen NeE

has spend years studying the
psychological mechanisms behind self-
compassion and documenting their
beneFcial eEects. She’s identiFed 3 core
elements and skills behind self-
compassion — self-kindness,
interconnection, and mindfulness — and
shown how we can use these skills to
dramatically improve our wellbeing,
including quieting our negative self-talk.

. . .

1. Treat yourself as you

would treat a friend
Ironically, most of us with a harsh inner
critic and extremely negative self-talk
toward ourselves are usually
compassionate and loving with other
people. In fact, something like this has
probably crossed your mind more than
once:

When people come to me after a struggle or

making a mistake, I don’t judge them or tell
them what failure they are. I just listen and
try to be supportive. Why can’t I just do that
for myself!

Actually, you can. Trouble is, while it’s

relatively easy to be supportive and
compassionate with other people’s failings
and mistakes, it’s hard — often really hard
— to do with ourselves.

We’re afraid to let go of

our negative thoughts
and judgmental self-
talk because we think
we need them.
From the youngest ages, most of us grew
up having the drill-sergeant theory of
motivation beat into us: That the only way
to stay motivated and achieve success in
life was to be hard on yourself.

Unfortunately, this is a pretty misguided

theory of human motivation. While
punishment in the form of threats and
criticism sometimes works—a little bit and
briePy—it’s actually a pretty terrible way
to motivate people, including ourselves.

If you’ve been
successful in life, it’s
likely despite your
negative thoughts, not
because of them.
So the next time you’ve made a mistake or
generally feel bad about yourself, ask
yourself this question: If a friend was going
through the same thing, how would I
respond?

Then do that for yourself:

Start by simply listening and being

there for yourself.

Acknowledge that what happened or

how you feel is real and feels bad, but
withhold any judgment about why or
what should have happened. Just
listen.

Be validating of your pain instead of

rushing to give yourself advice.
Remind yourself that it’s okay to feel
bad even if it’s painful

In other words, just remember to be kind

to yourself. Not only will you feel better,
but you’ll actually be better prepared to
address any problems or obstacles you
need to going forward.

Remember:

If you want to be
strong, learn to be
gentle.
. . .

2. Remember that you’re

not alone
As we just discussed, simply being kind to
yourself, is the Frst step toward quieting
your negative thoughts. But the next step
involves expanding your awareness
outside of yourself and acknowledging
your humanity — the good, the bad, and
the ugly.

A fundamental aspect of self-compassion

is the acknowledgment that you are a
human being, one among many — that
whatever you’re struggling with, other
people have struggled with it before and
likely at the same time. It means you’re
not alone in your pain.

I know, I know, that sounds like new-age

nonsense. But hear me out…

Hundreds of thousands of years of

evolution have wired us as inherently
social creatures. In fact, our capacity for
connectedness and teamwork is probably
our greatest competitive advantage, even
more so than our intelligence and
reasoning abilities.

For most of our history as a species, we

lived in small, close-knit tribes where
being alone in any meaningful sense of the
word just wouldn’t have happened.
Loneliness is a distinctly modern
phenomenon for which we are both
biologically and psychologically ill-
equipped.

We evolved to struggle
together, not alone.
So when I say you’re not alone in your
pain, I’m talking about a very hard-science
idea: We evolved to struggle together, not
alone. Which means if you’re isolating
yourself and your struggles, you’re
Fghting against millennia of evolutionary
biology. And as tough as you think you are
(or should be), you’re not that tough.

The next time you Fnd yourself struggling,

consumed with negative thoughts and
harsh self-talk, reach out. Call a friend.
Text a loved one. Make chit-chat with a
stranger at Starbucks.

Ruthlessly reject the

modern tendency to
isolate under stress and
make a connection
instead.
But even if you can’t literally connect with
another person, you can internally
acknowledge that you and your struggles
are, in a very real way, something shared,
something that connects you with others:

Remind yourself that your struggles

make you human, make you normal.

Whatever you’re dealing with,

remember that dozen, hundreds,
perhaps even thousands of other
people are dealing with at this exact
moment.

Call to mind a time when you helped a

friend or loved one through a similar
struggle.

Isolation isn’t just unhelpful, it’s

unnatural. You were born to connect and
be together.

Remember:

You can’t always have

the compassionate ear
of a trusted friend, but
you can learn to be that
friend to yourself.
. . .

3. Be a detective, not a judge

The pinnacle of our educational system —
in which we spend, essentially, the Frst
20+ years of our lives — is analytical
reasoning. Above all else, we admire the
ability to think critically, draw sharp
distinctions, and judge true from false,
right from wrong.

And while our capacity for analysis is

often a force for tremendous good in the
world, it can be a double-edged sword.

When you spend your whole life

practicing and being reinforced for
judging and analyzing anything and
everything you encounter, it’s easy to start
judging and analyzing yourself.

But even there, the capacity for self-

judgment isn’t all bad. When we screw up,
it’s good that we can catch ourselves,
analyze our mistakes, learn from them,
and improve.

The trouble is when

judgment and analysis
is our automatic
response to our own
mistakes and suGering.
Here’s an example: Suppose you
unexpectedly lose your job. You’re
devasted and terriFed since you loved the
work and you’re the sole provider for your
family.

As you walk through the door and tell

your spouse about what happened, they
immediately lay into you with comments
like:

How could you screw up that job — it

was perfect!

We’re already behind in the mortgage…

what are we going to do about money?

I told you to start looking for other jobs

last month when your coworker got let
go. You’re not prepared at all!

Even if all those things are true, that

doesn’t make them helpful.

I think all of us can acknowledge that after

getting laid oE from our job, what we’d
hope for from our spouse in the short term
is love and support, compassion and
encouragement. But that’s hard to do if
our default, automatic response to
everything is judgment and analysis.

Even if your ultimate

goal is to analyze and
Jx things, you’re going
to be able to do that
better if your Jrst
assesment is factual and
non-judgmental.
After losing your job, is being berated by
your spouse going to make you any better
or faster at turning things around? No!
You’re likely to feel even worse about
yourself, which will make it that much
harder to do what needs to be done.

The solution to the automatic habit of self-

judgment is mindfulness.

Mindfulness simply means observing

things as they are without rushing in to
analyze or pass judgment on them. Like a
good scientist or detective, you observe
the nature of things before you start
theorizing and running experiments or
passing judgments.

The best way to

eGectively move
beyond suGering and
diLculty is to start by
seeing it simply for
what it is Jrst.
When you’re suEering and feel
overwhelmed by negative thoughts and
judgmental self-talk, try to observe
yourself and your suEering like a detective
not a judge. Look for the facts of the
situation as they are without passing
judgment:

Notice how your anxiety and worry

feels without insisting on it going
away.

Observe the quality of your sadness or

guilt. Take notes on it without
analyzing what it means about you.

Think plainly about what just

happened and what your options are
moving forward without interpreting
the meaning behind those fact.

Remember:

Like a good detective,

you’re much more
likely to solve the
mystery when you
collect clues before
rushing into trial and
proclaiming your
innocence.
. . .

All you need to know

The best way to quiet your negative
thoughts is stop Fghting or running away
from them and learn to be compassionate
toward your own self-talk.

Because when you get in the habit of

approaching diccult negative thoughts
with compassion, you stop teaching your
brain to fear them, and as a result, become
less reactive to them.

Treat yourself as you would treat a

friend.

Remember that you’re not alone.

Be a detective, not a judge.

Mental Health Self Improvement Anxiety

Psychology Life Lessons

1.3K claps

WRITTEN BY

Nick Wignall

Clinical Psychologist and writer interested in

practical psychology for meaningful personal
growth. https://nickwignall.com

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