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Handling Rude Questions and Awkward Moments
Handling Rude Questions and Awkward Moments
Awkward Moments
Anyone can be subjected to rudeness and inconsideration.
Because I'm a writer of books and columns, and because I've lectured, appeared on radio and TV, I am sometimes
recognized in public. I'm glad I'm not more recognizable, for along with the lovely feedback, gratitude and
complements I get from many people, others feel compelled to criticize, often in a mean way, and often without
having even read whatever book or column they're criticizing. So, I've been forced to learn to deal with negative
comments, even when they're mean spirited, and intended to hurt me. Because we all get criticized from time to time,
How you handle an awkward situation depends on whether you are setting boundaries or not. Most situations can be
handled with polite firmness. At times it's hard to know how to say "no, thank you" and make it stick.
If you say "no, thank you" several times, then, gently tell the person you don't like what they're doing, that it makes
you uncomfortable, and they still don't get it, then you need to sit them down and tell them you will not allow them to
do that to you.
For example, if a friend makes rude or intrusive comments about your age, you can say, gently, "Your comment
makes me uncomfortable" or "I appreciate that you think I look good, but I'd appreciate it if you didn't comment on my
age." If that doesn't work, then have a talk. Say, "When you ask questions about my age, it makes me unhappy, and
hurts my feelings." If that doesn't improve matters, then you'll need to give that person a "time out:" withdraw from
personal contact, and just be very polite when you do happen to see him or her. He or she will get the message loud
and clear. Perhaps your friend will ask "Are you mad at me?" and then you can describe what the problem is.
Here are some possible awkward moments and how to handle them.
• You bump into someone and have forgotten her name, so you can't introduce her to your partner.
This one is easily handled with a pre arrangement with your partner. My husband knows if I don't introduce him right
away, to say "Hi, I'm Richard. I didn't catch your name." Then I can say "Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realize you two had
never met." Or, you can take the direct approach. "I'm sorry; I've forgotten your name." Or, if you're my age you can
say, "Please forgive me, I'm having a senior moment, and can't recall your name."
• You're gossiping about someone in the office bathroom and she comes out of the stall.
The only thing you can do is say, "I'm sorry. That was rude of me." But you'll never be able to take it back. This is why
gossip is a very bad idea. Best solution; give up gossiping; it only hurts you and everyone else. Second best: save
gossiping for a private time and place and don't just let your mouth run. If you gossip in a public area, you never know
• You show up for a blind date and don't like what you see.
I suggest, for all blind dates or Internet first meets, that you have a friend or family member call you a few minutes
after the date begins. You can ignore the call if you are having fun, or you can say "Omygosh! I'll be right there." into
the phone and plead a family emergency. Or, you can spend a few minutes having a cup of coffee and then say, "I'm
sorry, I don't think we're a match. Thanks very much." and leave. Don't make blind dates for some complicated or
expensive affair; have a coffee date first. You should always have your own transportation to a first, blind date, and
you shouldn't have the unknown person meet you at home. Meet for coffee somewhere public instead.
• Your babysitter asks for a raise that you don't think she deserves.
Why do you have a babysitter you don't think is good? If you don't like her, get another baby sitter. You can say, "I'm
sorry, this is as much as we can pay right now." Don't wait until she asks for a raise if there are problems, and don't
come up with a litany of problems after she asks for a raise. She won't believe you; she'll think you're just trying to
• Your mother-in-law buys your daughter an outfit you don't think is appropriate for a tween. (Naturally your tween
loves it.)
If you can, make some adjustments (like a tank or leotard under a bare belly outfit) which will make the outfit more
appropriate, so she can wear it. Then, let her grandmother see her in it. That will get the message across. Otherwise,
give the outfit back to grandma, and say "Susie loves your gift, and thank you for thinking of her, but I'm afraid I'm too
Say "Thank you" and accept the gift graciously. Think about the good intentions of the gift giver, and then, later on,
you can give it to a thrift store or someone else who might like it.
(especially the backhanded ones) also realizes that the commenter must have been critical about her weight, albeit
silently, before this. People wishing to give compliments should stick to "gee, you look great." and refrain from adding
the intrusive "have you lost weight?" It's really a privacy issue, although weight loss can be seen, it's really not
If you receive such an awkward compliment, simply say "thank you" and bring up a different topic, or add "you are
looking well, too." If you don't let the busybody (who may be very well intentioned) draw you into a conversation about
your weight and health, you will discourage further comment. If you get a really egregious comment like "you were
really fat before" don't dignify it with a reply. Just look the person in the eye, and remain silent. There's no need to say
anything to a slap like that. Your silence will speak volumes. Let the silence hang in the air a moment, and then bring
up a totally different topic, like "isn't it a lovely day?" Or, if you feel very insulted, just walk away and speak with
someone else. If you're so upset you can't control your retort, then say "excuse me" and quickly go to the bathroom,
which is a safe haven where you can compose yourself. The rude "friend" will get the message much more clearly
this way than if you lower yourself to his or her level and retort with anger.
Handling difficult personalities takes skill and knowhow. Here's a technique anyone can learn to use that works every
time.
If someone behaves badly in your presence, giving that adult a "time out" is a powerful and subtle way of fixing the
problem. Modern parents use a time out to discipline small children. The child is sent to a corner, or a room, to think
about his or her behavior. An adult variation of the time out works as well on any adult friend who is acting childish or
misbehaving. All you need to do is become very distant and polite around the person who is not treating you well. No
personal talk and interaction, no joking, no emotion. Be very polite, so the person cannot accuse you of being
unpleasant, mean or rude. There is no need to explain what you are doing: the problem person will get the message
from your behavior which is much more effective. If you've never tried this, you'll be amazed at how effective
Most of the time, your friend's behavior will immediately become more subdued around you; and often, her or she will
treat you with more care. Eventually, he or she may ask you what's wrong, or why you've changed, and at that point
(and only at that point) you have an opportunity to tell him or her what the problem behavior is, and why you don't like
it. Learning to put obnoxious friends in time outs right at the beginning of unpleasant behavior can make it
unnecessary to use tougher tactics at all. And if the person's behavior doesn't change, you can leave him or her in