Anthony Tran

Allison Bocchino
Writing 2
06/08/2020

Revision Matrix
WP1
Text from my initial WP Catalyst for The change(s) I made to How this change
submission: (Note which Change (from what I initially wrote: impacts my
WP) whom/where? paper:
)

Deforestation can be Allison: For example, though This allows me

beneficial as it acts as a “​the paper is a deforestation aids in to shorten the
catalyst for national bit long - 8 economic growth through essay, and
economic growth by pages when 4 the promotion of provide better
promoting housing, to 6 pages was agriculture and increase flow by getting
agriculture, and convenient expected” in available resources, it rid of
roads for residents. can also damage the unnecessary facts
However, the Myself: economy by destroying that don’t
over-deforestation of land I thought the many natural habitats provide a lot for
can have its ramifications: majority was resulting in high cost due the main idea
increasing soil erosion, unneeded facts to loss of biodiversity.
flooding, greenhouse gases, about the pros
and the destruction of many and cons of
habitats for native deforestation
organisms, which results in
high costs due to loss of
biodiversity.

As a result, different Myself: I As a result, different “Appointed to

academic disciplines, thought the academic disciplines, resolve the
specifically Economics and line “appointed specifically Economics problem”
Environmental Science, to resolve the and Environmental sounded like the
have been appointed to problem” Science, have been public chose
resolve the problem, sounded off so studying this practice, economic and
analyzing the control of I replaced it analyzing the control of environmental
deforestation within their with “studying deforestation within their science directly
field. this practice” respective field. to solve the
problem.

Also the word

problem makes it
 sound like
deforestation is a
problem when in
fact, as stated in
the beginning is a
topic that is
debated because
it has benefits
and “problems”

There is a clear divergence Allison: “No As you look at the The thesis was
in how both fields attempt to clear thesis in significant differences in not clear in
collect and convey their intro” writing within respective stating the main
findings to their audience. fields of economics and idea of the paper
The following divergences environmental science, so I changed the
that will be analyzed in this you'll find that one field’s whole thesis in
essay will be quantitative vs focus depends on the order to fit that
qualitative description, quantitative description, criteria
organization/structure of jargon, and utilization of
information, use of jargon the scientific method
and active voice, and their amongst a restricted
targeted audience. audience contrary to the
other as determined by
the accessibility to the
general public, minimal
usage of jargon, and
appealing titles.

The First and Second Matye Reyes: I combined both the intro By doing this, it
paragraph “The first two and second paragraph to shaves off
paragraphs are one paragraph unnecessary
There will be two journals more or less information and
that will be used to discuss talking about I got rid of this sentence provides better
this difference. the same thing. at the beginning of the flow to the paper.
second paragraph It also shortens
Allison: “​the the paper
paper is a bit
long - 8 pages
when 4 to 6
pages was
expected”

In the economic article, "The Allison: “​the The economic article, I condensed the
Effect of Rural Credit on paper is a bit "The Effect of Rural introduction of
Deforestation: Evidence long - 8 pages Credit on Deforestation: the two articles
from the Brazilian Amazon," when 4 to 6 Evidence from the that will be used
they discuss how individuals pages was Brazilian Amazon," in the
within the field of expected” discusses how certain US comparison of
economics investigate how government policies both disciplines
US government policies Matye Reyes: affect deforestation. while to allow for
affect deforestation. In the The discipline the environmental science unnecessary
environmental science seems to be article, "Impacts of reading.
article, "Impacts of unclear and it forestation and
forestation and deforestation would be a good deforestation on local I also thought it
on local temperature across idea to temperature across the was not needed
the globe," individuals emphasize the globe," investigates to state that it
within the environmental topic in the deforestation effects on was people
beginning and
science department temperatures across the within the
towards the end.
investigate deforestation globe. respective field
affects temperatures across that was doing
the globe. the discussion or
investigation
because it is
already implied
that it was a
economic or
environmental
science paper

Even though economics and Myself: I In general, it is relatively Changing it this

environmental sciences are thought it clear to most people that way provides a
both classified as two sounded too economics and better
distinct disciplines of simple environmental science are introduction into
science, the two belong in a two very different the main idea of
specific category. academic subjects and the body
due to the fact that they paragraph
both belong to two
distinct disciplines of
science.

The discipline within social Allison: “​the This discipline places an I combined these
sciences places an emphasis paper is a bit emphasis on conceptual two sentences
on conceptual and detailed long - 8 pages and detailed description because they
descriptions of their when 4 to 6 of their findings, relying both described
findings. Scholars within the pages was significantly on the the conventions
social sciences rely expected” application of their of social sciences
significantly on the research in comparison to so having two
application of their research raw data. sentences talking
in comparison to raw data. about the same
idea is tedious
For example, instead of Myself For example, instead of I thought that the
letting their table explain the letting their table explain line “they opted
data by itself, they opted to the data by itself, they to discuss their
discuss their findings with explain to the reader of its findings with
language such as, “In importance, “In general, language such
general, the results from the results from Table 5 as” was
Table 5 indicate that the indicate that the effects of confusing to read
effects of Resolution 3545 Resolution 3545 on so I changed it to
on deforestation thus deforestation thus directly something
directly reflect a reduction in reflect a reduction in simpler to make
deforestation as a response deforestation as a it easier to
to a reduction in access to response to a reduction in understand
rural credit” (Assunção & all access to rural credit”
306). (Assunção e​ t. al​ 306).

Social sciences play an Allison: “​the Social sciences play an I moved the
important role in influencing paper is a bit important role in sentence “social
certain policies and long - 8 pages influencing policies and sciences play an
increasing government when 4 to 6 increasing government important
accountability, so by pages was accountability, so by role…” to the
converting their evidence expected” converting their evidence analysis of the
into qualitative descriptions, into qualitative quote because it
they can efficiently get their Myself: description, they made the analysis
point across without efficiently get their point more clear.
complicating it. across without
complicating it. This I also changed
By generalizing their makes the research feel the initial
research, these researchers less restricted to the analysis of the
have made their work more public, allowing for the quote in order to
accessible to individuals not general reader to shorten it to a
within the field. By not understand the main idea better
relying on the table’s easily and thus granting a explanation that
numerical data alone and broader audience to fits the new
translating their data for a impart on their message analysis better
broader audience outside the too.
social sciences, their
research is less restricted to
the public, allowing for a
bigger community and
efficient ways of relaying
their message to the public.

In contrast, environmental Allison: “​the Conversely, I combined the

science belongs within the paper is a bit environmental science second and third
natural sciences where long - 8 pages belongs within the natural sentence because
scholars study natural when 4 to 6 sciences which studies they are both
phenomena within the world pages was natural phenomena that describing the
by utilizing quantitative data expected” deals with the physical genre
alone rather than offering a world. Natural sciences conventions of
qualitative description in utilizes quantitative data environmental
order to convey their rather than qualitative science.
findings. This practice description in order to
allows scholars to establish convey their findings, this
and maintain their practice allows scholars
credibility, a trademark to establish and maintain
within their field, relying credibility by relying
more on concrete evidence more on concrete
instead of observable evidence instead of
interpretation. observable interpretation.

Natural sciences are Myself: I felt An important distinction I moved “Natural

structured to proving or that there between natural science sciences are
rejecting their hypothesis wasn’t a lot of and social science is that structured…”
with testable experiments, analysis for the scholars within the and “Therefore,
while social sciences are quote natural sciences prove or being able to
about discussion of reject their hypothesis establish
conceptual theories. based on the results of credibility
Therefore, being able to their testable allows…” to the
establish credibility allows experiments, whereas analysis portion
environmental scientists to social sciences are about of the quote to
successfully prove their discussions of conceptual add more
point based on concrete facts theories. Therefore, being explanation so
and evidence alone. able to establish that it is easier to
credibility allows for understand.
Instead of stating that environmental scientists
forestation reduces local to successfully prove
surface temperatures in their point based on
brazil by 21.7%, they concrete facts and
provided several numerical evidence alone. In the
values in order to prove this example above, instead of
point. However, this stating that forestation
assumes that the reader reduces local surface
already knows specific temperatures in brazil by
knowledge prior. 21.7%, the authors
provided several
numerical values in order
to prove this point.
However this assumes
that the reader already
 knows specific
knowledge prior.

Scientists within natural Allison: “​the The scientific method is The first sentence
science employ the scientific paper is a bit employed by natural was convoluted
method in order to long - 8 pages scientists to so I combined
systematically study and when 4 to 6 systematically study and both sentences so
collect evidence in an pages was collect evidence in an that it can fit the
objective process that allows expected” objective process, flow of the paper
them to test their hypothesis dehumanizing the better.
in presence of concrete researcher in order to
evidence. The scientific minimize bias and
method dehumanizes the clearing the evidence of
researcher, allowing the any prejudice that might
performer to minimize bias undermine its credibility.
and get rid of any prejudice
in the experiment which
helps to establish credibility.

As a scientist, if one does Allison: “​the As a scientist, if These sentences

not think logically, paper is a bit one does not think essentially said
conclusions may become long - 8 pages logically, conclusions the same thing so
unreliable and the evidence when 4 to 6 will be unreliable and I fused them
collected may be deemed pages was evidence may be deemed together
untrustworthy. The expected” untrustworthy. Therefore,
foundation of the natural using the scientific
sciences require definite method as an outline for
evidence. Therefore, this structure helps inform the
type of structure within the audience that the author
environmental science has thought critically and
community helps to inform completed the necessary
the audience that the author work throughout their
has thought critically and research.
completed the necessary
work throughout their
research.

In retrospect, subheadings in Myself: In retrospect, subheadings I added this

the economic field don’t I thought that in the economic field sentence to the
resemble the scientific this paragraph don’t correlate with the paragraph so that
method. was lacking in scientific method. Due to the paragraph
information the fact that the field of didn’t seem too
and needed economics is meant to short or lacking
more study and inform society in importance.
of the interactions
 between humans, it
dehumanizes the
researcher and impairs
their message. Instead,
they seek to guide the
reader throughout the
paper.

The 10th paragraph Allison: “​the I got rid of the whole This paragraph
paper is a bit paragraph isn’t important
long - 8 pages and didn’t really
when 4 to 6 add to the main
pages was idea of the essay.
expected”

Myself: This
paragraph isn’t
needed in
order to
understand the
main idea

WP2
Text from my initial Catalyst for The change(s) I made to How this change
WP submission: (Note Change (from what I initially wrote: impacts my paper:
which WP) whom/where?)

As of now, it is evident Myself The world is changing I felt like it could

that the world is arguably for the worse, in have been worded
changing for the worst contrary to what certain better without it
with sea levels rising, the
earth getting warmer,
and a declining
biodiversity.
To Our Fellow
Colleagues
Part 1: Genre Translation Allison:
There are many causes
that are contributing to
these issues, such as the
burning of fossil fuels
being the major
contributor and
deforestation, the focus
of my colleagues and I.
Over the course Myself
of our investigation, we
have concluded that the
burning of biomass for
agriculture contributes to
the rising of land surface
individuals would suggest. sounded like just a
Sea levels and list
temperatures are rising,
natural habitats are being
destroyed, and
biodiversity is declining as
a result.
Myself To Our Dear Esteemed Using the word
Colleagues, Dear, establishes a
sense of humanity
and connection to
the recipient of the
letter, as is a trait of
some open letters.
Open Letter Addressed to This new title
Academic the Environmental Science makes it clear that
hea​ding/title feels Department at UCSB the explicit
out of place. ​I'm audience is towards
confused as to other natural
who the intended scientists especially
audience is and Environmental
who the author is, scientist
which you
discussed in detail
as a genre
convention in the
reflection
Myself: I felt like While exploring the I replaced it with a
this sentence was tropical rainforests of new sentence that
giving our extra Brazil, species that once adds more depth to
information about flourished here are on the the main idea, and
deforestation that verge of extinction as the becomes a
wasn’t needed for years go on. transition to the
the main point next sentence
smoothly
Our investigation has led Changing it this
us to believe that way makes the flow
deforestation is the root of of the paper better
the problem. We have using the transition
concluded that the burning from the previous
of biomass for agricultural sentence
temperatures by affecting
the albedo and
evapotranspiration of the
area.
In contrast, the Myself
inverse does the exact
opposite as increasing
forestation promotes the
cooling of land surface
temperatures. Despite the
debatable benefit of
forestation, massive
amounts of deforestation
are still being done,
which cause the surface
temperature to
continually rise.
I confess that I Myself
am deeply disappointed
in the US office of
Global Change. It is
imperative that
something be done as
soon as possible as our
time is limited before the
damage is deemed
irreversible.
The fact is that, Myself
though deforestation has
its benefits through new
usable materials and food
production, the long term
consequences may be
dire by destroying our
planet. We are not
advocating for the
abolishment of the
practice but stress the
importance of reducing
over-deforestation.
use or resources is
affecting the albedo and
evapotranspiration of the
region.
As a result, land surface
temperatures are
increasing, killing off
many species of organisms
that couldn’t adapt to the
warmer environment.
We should be angry at the
US Office of Global
Change due to their lack
of efforts in maintaining
environmental stability
and must acknowledge a
demand for immediate
change. Something must
be done before these
forests are broken down to
the point of no recovery.
We are not here to
advocate for the
abolishment of the
practice but stress the
importance of reducing
over deforestation before
it is too late. We are well
aware of the benefits of
the practice, such as new
usable materials and food
production.
This change
indicates the result
of what was stated
from the previous
sentence, thus
improving the flow
of the paper.
I changed the tone
from disappointed
to frustration in
order to stress the
importance of forest
recovery and taking
action.
I switch the
sentence positions
because the second
sentence provided a
better introduction
to the second
paragraph as it
highlights that the
paragraph will be
about reducing
deforestation
 Forests play a big
role in shaping land
surface temperatures as
they remove excess
carbon dioxide and have
high evapotranspiration
rates, both of which
promote cooling.
Altering the amount of
forest coverage also
affects local ecosystems
and destroys
biodiversity, which
modifies the climate and
air quality to undesirable
conditions. For this
reason, initiative must be
taken in order to reduce
the negative effects of
this practice. What we
can do to start is by
promoting the active
planting of forests,
assisting Mother
Nature’s recovery. We
insist that the change
happens now.
Being able to translate Myself
language, you can be
converting German to
English or Japanese to
Korean, but you can also
translate different forms
of medium.
For example, a confusing Myself
set of instructions for
construction can be
translated to easy to
understand illustrations,
translating mechanical
coding to human
Myself: It was too As we move forward, we
much wording and must consider the action
unnecessary of promoting the planting
information of forests to assist Mother
Nature's recovery.
Language can be defined
in many ways and may
refer to translating
Japanese to Korean, which
is what most people are
thinking, but you can also
translate different forms of
mediums.
For example, ​the skill of
translation, that others
may have little to no
experience in, allows you
to establish
communication for others
who may not initially
This letter is
addressed to the
environmental
scientist, so it is
assumed they don’t
need more
unnecessary
information in order
to understand and
since it is an open
letter, providing too
much information
might confuse the
implicit audience
Removing all of the
extra example of
converting language
gives it more space
for more relevant
information
I added an extra
sentence here to
make the point
more clear
regarding the
purpose of
translation because
language, or a scientific understand. To clarify. a it felt somewhat
paper into an open letter. confusing set of unclear to me
instructions can be reading it
translated into
illustrations, computer
coding to human
language, or a scientific
paper into an open letter.
There are clear Myself: The thesis By understanding the
distinctions between the wasn’t clear various forms of popular
genre distinctions of an text, you’ll develop a
academic scientific paper better understanding of
compared to an open writing, such that
letter, such as a targeted academic genres are more
audience, objective vs objective and restricted to
subjective, and tone. a specific audience in
contrast to nonacademic
genres which are less
formal and intended for
the general audience.
Added to end of 5th Valeria Lopez: This also makes the tone
paragraph I would suggest of the paper less formal
developing the and more subjective
differences compared to an academic
between tone in genre so that the general
the primary and public can give their
secondary texts a thoughts on the topic.
lit bit more in the
paper.
Academic writing uses a Myself: The structure of this paper
formal and objective distinctly resembles that of
conventional way of The old sentences the scientific method, with
writing and most only talked about main subheadings titled,
discourse communities conventions about “Abstract,”
utilize this method in academic writing “Introduction,” and
order to minimize bias but didn’t provide “Materials and Methods.”
evidence
and remove prejudice. It Scientists within the field
also allows the reader to of environmental science
focus on the topic at take advantage of the
hand, focusing only on scientific method because
the evidence presented. it allows them to
objectively conduct
I rewrote the thesis
so it doesn’t seem
like a list and states
the topic and
importance of the
topic, while
comparing the two
genres, academic
and non academic.
This makes it clear
between the
difference in tone in
an academic and
non academic genre
This change
provides more
information about
what was stated in
the thesis about
academic writing
being more formal
and objective and
gives evidence for it
The last sentence is
a transition for the
next paragraph
 experiments and collect which talks about
data. By dehumanizing the it’s restricted
researcher and minimizing audience
bias, it will remove any
prejudice in the evidence
accumulated. In addition,
academic papers are
generally directed towards
a specific audience.

When translating the Chloe Bui: A concern that was faced This change states
academic paper into an it could have was maintaining both that concern that
open letter, both genre talked more about motives of the academic was kept in mind
distinctions were kept in the concern they and non academic genre while doing the
mind. Some genres from faced or expected and was done by translation, giving
the academic paper were to face in incorporating the results of insight on the
kept including the use of completing the the experiment on process of
jargon while some genres translation. forrestation/deforestation translation
were added on from the and presenting an
open letter such as opinion/frustration on the
expanding to a wider practice.
audience and
implementing an implicit
and explicit audience.