ANGER AND ANGER MANAGEMENT SKILLS

Submitted By

Zainab Sheikh, Faiza Bibi, Iqra Asif.

Submitted To

Ma’am Sidra, Ma’am Urooj, Ma’am Faiza

ADCP I (Morning)

Psychology Department

NUML, Islamabad

ANGER
“Anger is a strong feeling of displeasure with someone or something, combined with an urge to
fight back.”

Anger can be a good thing. It can give you a way to express negative feelings, for example, or
motivate you to find solutions to problems.

But excessive anger can cause problems. Increased blood pressure and other physical changes
associated with anger make it difficult to think straight and harm your physical and mental
health. Everyone gets mad at times. The target of your ire might be a stranger, a loved one or
even yourself. Or, you might find yourself furious over external events, such as a delayed flight
or a political incident. While anger is a normal human emotion, misplaced or uncontrolled anger
can quickly become problematic.

Explanation:

 Anger is a basic human emotional response experienced by all people.

 Anger varies from person to person and from situation to situation.
 Anger is typically triggered by a threat, perceived threat (real or imaginary), an injustice,
hurt, or frustration when faced with an obstacle.

Uncontrolled Anger:

Uncontrolled anger looks different from person to person. Some people are quietly seething at
the world most of the time. Some can’t help but dwell on events that made them mad. Others
have quick tempers and may even exhibit aggressive or violent behavior.

Uncontrolled anger can be hard to define. Unlike depression (which can be thought of as
a dysfunctional form of sadness) or anxiety (a dysfunctional form of worry), uncontrolled anger
doesn’t have a name or an official diagnosis.

Nevertheless, anger can be dysfunctional, and people who experience it often don’t
realize how big a problem it is. That’s because in the short term, anger can be effective. Blowing
up at your kids might seem like a good strategy if it results in them doing their chores. Losing
your temper at work might feel productive if it gets your coworkers to do things your way.

Unfortunately, people often fail to see the long-term consequences of uncontrolled anger.
Those can include health effects such as high blood pressure and increased risk of heart disease,
as well as social disharmony among family members, friends and coworkers.

You might need some help learning to control your anger if you recognize any these
signs:

Your friends or family members have said they think you have an anger problem or have
distanced themselves from you as a result of your behavior.

 You have discord with coworkers.

 There are business establishments where you’re no longer welcome.
 You feel angry a lot of the time.
 You’re nursing a grudge or thinking about getting revenge.
 You have been or think about being aggressive or violent when angry.

Conditions related to anger:

i. Aggression
Aggression is one negative way in which individuals express anger. Aggression is
intended to threaten or injure the victim’s security or self-esteem. Aggression cause
damage with words, fists, or weapons, but it is virtually always designed to punish.
Passive aggression
This is angry behavior that is indirect and of times confusing. For various reasons, people
might not choose to directly confront as offender. For example, they might feel they are
lacking in power, or fear confrontation, so they might disguise their anger by being late to
intentionally annoy someone.
ii. Hostility
Hostility is a relatively enduring attitude toward other people, resulting in the view that
others are bad, immoral, un-trustworthy and selfish. It amounts to dislike, cynicism,
 suspicion, prejudice and enmity. Hostility fuels anger by assuming that people will do
bad things.

Characteristics of anger:

 Frequency
The average adult gets angry once a day and annoyed about three times a day.
 Intensity
Anger can range from mild (agitated, annoyed, and irritated) to strong (fury, rage).
 Duration
How long do you stay angry after you get angry? Do you cool down quickly or do you
take a long time to recover?
 Threshold
It takes a lot to get some people angry, while other reacts to fairly minimal provocations.
 Expression
Individuals vary in the way they manifest anger.

Components of anger:

Trigger Experience Expression outcome

Anger involves three steps:

 Thoughts
Thoughts that triggers and maintain anger. Anger is likely to be greater if one presumes
an offense to be wrong, deliberate, or preventable, creating great hardship and deserving
punishment. The thought that one’s anger is justified also tend to intensify anger.
  Physiological arousal
Physiological arousal such as flushed face, increased heart rate and blood pressure,
sweating and the release of various stress hormones.
 Behavior
Behavior or tendencies to act that are culturally influenced, such as yelling, clenching
fists or pouting.

Causes of anger:

i. Primary causes:
 Self diminishment
Self diminishment underlies much problem anger. It can be very painful to feel rejected,
disrespected, powerless, like a nobody; to be remained of our own inadequacies or
unworthiness. In the extreme, such feelings can trigger the fear of extinction.
 Unrealistic expectations
Think about this one. How much of your anger arises from expecting too much? Do to
expect other drivers to be more perfect they are?
ii. Secondary causes:
 Excessive self focus
Excessive self focus can take several forms. One may think, “I want things my way, one
my time.” Such people seem in different to the need of others. Some people create an
inflated sense of self to protect against their inner vulnerability and powerlessness.
 Social environment
In the work place, escalating expectation, lack of personal attention, and competition
among individuals tend to promote anger by increasing the feeling of inadequacy or
being unacceptable.
 Skill deficits
Some people have simply not yet alien the skills of anger management: conflict
resolution, problem solving, humor constructive way to gain power/ attention, self
control. Empathy, compassion, and tolerance.
 Too little time for inner peace and recreation
 As the pace of living increases, there is less time nurture oneself spiritually. This leads to
a type of pain that can be expressed by frustration, irritation and other form of anger.

Triggers or hooks of anger

 Others
When they hurt us or don’t do what we expect of them.
 Situation
Such as traffic jams, getting lost, a computer glitch, loosing something or an injustice.
 Self
One of the greatest fears is disappointing oneself or falling to meet personal goals.

When anger is problem

 Leads to aggression
 Disrupts relationship
 Harms people around you
 effects your overall quality of life
 Too frequent, intense and last long
ANGER MANAGEMENT
“A process can help people identify stressors. People learn steps to help them stay calm
in anger management. They may then handle tense situations in a constructive & positive
way.”

Significance of anger management:

 To control and regulate anger.

 People get into social skills to maintain self-control.
 They can train to respond to their anger as unwanted and unpleasant rather than react to
its need.

History of anger management:

Prominent figures in the history of anger management include:

 O Roman philosopher; Lucius Annaeus Seneca (4 B.C.-65 A.D.)

O Greek physician and philosopher; Aelius Galenus (129-216)

O Francis of Assisi (1181-1226)

 Modern Time

O Peter Stearns

O Raymond Novaco

O Howard Kassinove

O Raymond Chip Tafrate

O Louis Dundin

O Brad Bushman

O Michael Hoyt

How anger management works:

There are three main ways to manage anger:

a) Emotion
 Relaxation
You can’t be relaxed and angry at the same time. Think of anger as your boiling point. If
you turn down the temperature, you keep yourself from boiling over. Learning to relax
can help lower your daily arousal level. Then, when you’re provoked, you have a much
greater distance to travel before you get extremely mad.
 Humor
It is also difficult to be angry when you’re laughing. It is easy to take life’s annoyances
too seriously. Making an effort to see the humor in your frustrations and aggravations can
help to combat an automatic angry reaction
b) Thinking Patterns
 Manage Your Thoughts
A good way to lower anger is to manage angry thoughts about the situation. Take the
following steps:
• Examine the evidence. What evidence supports your view of the situation?
• Look for alternatives. What are some alternative ways of viewing the situation or
conflict? Can you think of some other explanations for why this has happened? What
evidence supports the alternative explanations?
 Problem-Solving
Anger management is a strategic and calculated confrontation aimed at solving a
problem. The trick to managing anger well is to have a problem-solving goal. This means
making sure that your response to your angry feelings is directed at solving the problem.
Don’t take your feelings out on everyone around you; use them in a directed way to solve
the problem.
 Empathy you may feel angry when you think that the other person’s behavior was
intended to hurt you in some way. Often, other people’s behavior has nothing to do with
you personally. It usually reflects how they are coping with things in their own lives. To
make empathy work for you, ask yourself: “What does this situation feel like for the other
person”?
3. Behaviors
 Problem solving
Anger management is a strategic and calculated confrontation aimed at solving a
problem. The trick to managing anger well is to have a problem-solving goal. This means
making sure that your response to your angry feelings is directed at solving the problem.
Don’t take your feelings out on everyone around you, use them in a directed way to solve
the problem.
 Being Assertive Without Being Aggressive

According to a series of studies published in the Journal of Personality and Social

Psychology in 2007, for assertiveness to be effective, it needs to be applied in exactly the
right amount. Too much and you may be seen as overly aggressive. Too little and you may
be thought of as passive.

These particular studies, which quizzed US workers about their colleagues’ leadership
strengths and weaknesses, discovered that the most common weakness the volunteers
complained about was their co-workers’ assertiveness – either they were too assertive or not
assertive enough.

Using the right amount of assertiveness can help you to communicate honestly and
clearly; whereas if you’re not assertive enough you may be afraid to speak up. But if on the
other hand if you’re too assertive, others may not appreciate the way you interrupt and talk
over them.

Similarly a lack of assertiveness may make you agree with other people – even if you feel
they’re wrong – while those who are overly assertive are more likely to only consider their
own feelings and not those of others.

The trick then is to get the balance right. Here are some tips to help boost your assertiveness
without using aggression:

 Be clear
Try to ask for what you want openly and in a straightforward manner, and state your
feelings clearly without directly or indirectly demeaning the other person. Speak in a
normal conversational tone rather than too softly or too loudly, and don’t make demands
or try to appeal to the other person’s emotions to manipulate them or force them into
doing something.
 Make eye contact
It’s well understood that people respond to those who make eye contact more positively
than those who try to avoid eye contact altogether. But make sure you use the right
amount – it’s never a good idea to stare (a sure sign of aggressive behaviour), so aim to
make eye contact for around 70% of the time. This will help communicate that you’re
interested in the other person, that you respect their opinions and that you’re willing to
listen to them.
 Keep your posture positive
Body language is an essential element of assertiveness. Adopt an upright and relaxed
posture, and lean forward slightly towards the other person without infringing on their
personal space, keeping your arms hanging down by your sides (don’t fold them). Keep
your facial expression neutral or positive – make sure your jaw is soft rather than
clenched or set – and avoid using lots of hand movements or dramatic gestures. Try
practicing your body posture in the mirror, and if it helps, rehearse what you want to say
out loud at the same time.
 Do your homework
If you’re making a request, you’ll feel a lot more confident and less likely to become
aggressive or defensive if you can back it up calmly when challenged. Do your
homework and research first. If you’re asking your employer for a pay rise, for example,
prepare your case by noting down why you think you deserve one. This could include
how you’ve saved the company money or brought in new business, or the key objectives
you’ve met during the past year.
 Take time out
If you have a tendency to become angry or frustrated when faced with a difficult
situation, try to delay dealing with it until you feel calmer. It may not be easy to always
keep your emotions in check, but you’ll have a better chance of doing so if you avoid
going into situations with all guns blazing.
 Avoid accusing
Try not to react to situations by blaming others, as the most likely outcome is that you’ll
be seen as aggressive while others may feel hurt and become defensive. Use statements
that begin with ‘I’ rather than ‘you’, as they’re less likely to make others feel attacked or
blamed. For instance, say ‘I disagree’ rather than, ‘you made a mistake’. Or ‘I feel
frustrated’ rather than, ‘you make me angry’. This allows you to voice your reactions to
the situation instead of putting the other person directly in the frame.
 Keep your cool
It’s rarely easy to deal with confrontations, and even the calmest among us can lose
control of their emotions if they feel they’re being treated unfairly. But blowing your top
isn’t the way to assert yourself effectively. By all means say that you’re angry – after all,
 you have every right to stand up for yourself if you feel you’re being challenged – but try
to do so in a calm and respectful manner.

ANGER MANAGEMENT WORKSHEET

 Wrath, fury, rage; whatever you call it, anger is a powerful emotion. Unfortunately, it’s
often an unhelpful one.

Anger is a natural human experience, and sometimes there are valid reasons to get mad
like feeling hurt by something someone said or did or experiencing frustration over a situation at
work or home. But uncontrolled anger can be problematic for your personal relationships and for
your health.

Fortunately, there are tools you can learn to help you keep your anger in check.

Understanding anger

Anger can take different forms. Some people feel angry much of the time, or can’t stop
dwelling on an event that made them mad. Others get angry less often, but when they do it comes
out as explosive bouts of rage.

Whatever shape it takes, uncontrolled anger can negatively affect physical health and
emotional wellbeing. Research shows that anger and hostility can increase people's chances of
developing coronary heart disease, and lead to worse outcomes in people who already have heart
disease. Anger can also lead to stress-related problems including insomnia, digestive problems
and headaches.

Anger can also contribute to violent and risky behaviors, including drug and alcohol use.
And on top of all that, anger can significantly damage relationships with family, friends and
colleagues.

Strategies to keep anger at bay

Anger can be caused by internal and external events. You might feel mad at a person, an
entity like the company you work for, or an event like a traffic jam or a political election.
Wherever the feelings come from, you don’t have to let your anger get the better of you. Here are
some techniques to help you stay calm.

Check yourself. It’s hard to make smart choices when you’re in the grips of a powerful negative
emotion. Rather than trying to talk yourself down from a cliff, avoid climbing it in the first place.
Try to identify warning signs that you’re starting to get annoyed. When you recognize the signs,
step away from the situation or try relaxation techniques to prevent your irritation from
escalating.

Don’t dwell. Some people have a tendency to keep rehashing the incident that made them mad.
That’s an unproductive strategy, especially if you have already resolved the issue that angered
you in the first place. Instead, try to let go of the past incident. One way to do that is to focus
instead on things you appreciate about the person or the situation that made you angry.

Change the way you think. When you’re angry, it’s easy to feel like things are worse than they
really are. Through a technique known as cognitive restructuring, you can replace unhelpful
negative thoughts with more reasonable ones. Instead of thinking “Everything is ruined,” for
example, tell yourself “This is frustrating, but it’s not the end of the world.”

Try these strategies to reframe your thinking:

 Avoid words like "never" or "always" when talking about yourself or others. Statements
like "This never works" or "You're always forgetting things" make you feel your anger is
justified. Such statements also alienate people who might otherwise be willing to work
with you on a solution.

 Use logic. Even when it's justified, anger can quickly become irrational. Remind yourself
that the world is not out to get you. Do this each time you start feeling angry, and you'll
get a more balanced perspective.

 Translate expectations into desires. Angry people tend to demand things, whether it's
fairness, appreciation, agreement or willingness to do things their way. Try to change
your demands into requests. And if things don’t go your way, try not to let your
disappointment turn into anger.

Relax. Simple relaxation strategies, such as deep breathing and relaxing imagery, can help
soothe angry feelings. If you practice one or more of these strategies often, it will be easier to
apply them when angry feelings strike.
  Focused breathing. Shallow breathing is angry breathing. Practice taking controlled,
slow breaths that you picture coming up from your belly rather than your chest.

 Use imagery. Visualize a relaxing experience from your memory or your imagination.

 Progressive muscle relaxation. With this technique, you slowly tense then relax each
muscle group one at a time. For example, you might start with your toes and slowly work
your way up to your head and neck.

Improve your communication skills. People often jump to conclusions when they’re angry, and
they can say the first (often unkind) thing that pops into their heads. Try to stop and listen before
reacting. Then take time to think carefully about how you want to reply. If you need to step away
to cool down before continuing the conversation, make a promise to come back later to finish the
discussion.

Get active. Regular physical exercise can help you decompress, burn off extra tension and
reduce stress that can fuel angry outbursts.

Recognize (and avoid) your triggers. Give some thought to the things that make you mad. If
you know you always get angry driving downtown at rush hour, take the bus or try to adjust your
schedule to make the trip at a less busy time. If you always argue with your spouse at night,
avoid bringing up contentious topics when you’re both tired. If you’re constantly annoyed that
your child hasn’t cleaned his room, shut the door so you don’t have to look at the mess.

You can’t completely eliminate angry feelings. But you can make changes to the way
those events affect you, and the ways in which you respond. By making the effort to keep your
anger in check, you and the people close to you will be happier for the long run.

Therapy can teach you easy strategies for controlling your temper.
Most people get angry at least a few times a week. That’s perfectly normal, say psychologists.
What’s not normal is intense anger that happens more frequently and lasts longer than the brief
irritation most of us occasionally feel. Other warning signs include physical aggression, nasty
responses and problems with your relationships, job or health as a result of your temper.
Three Basic Strategies Used By Therapists

Therapy can help. Psychologists use three basic strategies to treat anger:

 Relaxation. Psychologists train patients in a technique called “progressive relaxation”

until they’re able to relax simply by thinking of a particular word or image.

Psychologists then ask patients to spend a minute or two thinking intensely about a situation that
makes them excessively angry, such as other drivers going too slow. Psychologists then help
patients relax.

Psychologists and patients practice this sequence over and over again. After about eight sessions,
patients are typically able to relax on their own.

 Cognitive therapy. Often the way people think when they’re angry makes situations
worse. When another driver cuts you off, for instance, you might think, “You idiot!
Everyone’s trying to make me late today!”

In cognitive therapy, psychologists help patients find alternative ways of thinking about and
reacting to anger. Instead of thinking bad thoughts about the other driver, for example, you could
think instead, “Whoa! That was an accident waiting to happen.”

 Skill development. Learning new behaviors can also help. Parents might need to find
better ways of communicating with their children, for instance. Angry drivers might
benefit from learning safe driving skills.

Combining all three approaches seems to work best, say researchers. 

Advances in anger management

Researchers and practitioners are examining what works best for managing problem anger.

Rob comes to therapy at the urging of his wife. He's prone to angry outbursts--especially
while driving. He says things such as, 'I'm not doing anything unsafe, it's that jerk in front of us
who's going too slow, who made me slam on my brakes.' He admits he spends a good portion of
his day angry at one thing or another.
 Most practicing psychologists have seen plenty of angry patients like Rob in therapy.
While most recognize problematic anger in their patients, they may or may not be clear on how
to treat it.

Psychologist Howard Kassinove, PhD, of Hofstra University, says the number of patients
he saw clinically for problem anger just didn't correspond with the relative lack of attention to it
in the academic literature. "Anger has been an understudied emotion," he says. "I was in clinical
practice for more than 25 years. An enormous number of people come in with anger problems,
but the literature base is small, there are no anger diagnostic categories and psychology
textbooks rarely mention anger."

Diagnosing problem anger

Most normal people experience anger a few times a week, says Kassinove. According to
a 1997 study by him and his colleagues, 58 percent of anger episodes include yelling or
screaming. And less than 10 percent involve physical aggression. Even then, the aggression is
usually mild and consists of throwing small objects, such as pencils, or shoving. Anger can even
be positive. But what characteristics define problematic or dysfunctional anger versus normal
anger?

A study published last year by Kassinove, R. Chip Tafrate, PhD, and L. Dundin in the
Journal of Clinical Psychology (Vol. 58, No. 12) found that people with high trait anger have
anger reactions that are more frequent, intense and enduring. They also tend to report more
physical aggression, negative verbal responses, drug use and negative consequences of their
anger. In general, their anger negatively affects their relationships, their health and their jobs.
Such anger that "disrupts or interferes with sense of self or normal routines" could warrant
therapy, says Colorado State University psychologist Jerry Deffenbacher, PhD.

Anger experts note, however, that unlike most clinical problems, there is no diagnostic
category for anger. "The DSM doesn't have any diagnostic categories where anger is the
presenting issue," says Deffenbacher. "We don't have any parallel diagnoses." So, he adds, the
degree to which anger becomes a real problem is "a fuzzy call."
 Some psychologists--among them Raymond DiGiuseppe, PhD--are working to fill this
diagnostic need. DiGiuseppe, chair of the psychology department at St. John's University in New
York, is conducting research to validate a set of criteria for an anger diagnosis. But that still
leaves open the question of tailoring the treatment to the diagnosis. "Given all the different
distinctions we have about anxiety disorders, they help us develop more treatments," says
DiGiuseppe. "We have no such distinction for anger. Everyone gets the same treatment."

Though some experts believe an anger-related diagnostic category could be helpful,

others argue against it. Some say it isn't necessary because anger may be a symptom of another
disorder. Others argue that a distinct anger diagnosis could be used wrongfully in court, for
example, to explain--and perhaps create a defense for--criminally violent behavior.

Techniques to reduce anger

Diagnostic categories or no, psychologists are still faced with treating anger in the therapy room.
Yet how are they to do that?

"I think there are three strategies or combinations of them that have the most empirical research
behind them," says Deffenbacher. The strategies--relaxation, cognitive therapy and skill
development are new applications of existing concepts, he says.

Since the 1980s, he and his colleagues have been studying whether cognitive and
relaxation techniques affect anger. Angry college students and drivers in his studies reduced their
anger levels from the 85th percentile to normal levels on Spielberger's Trait Anger Scale, using
relaxation. "You can't be calm and relaxed and pissed off as hell at the same time," Deffenbacher
jokes.

Here's how the relaxation technique works: Clinicians train patients in progressive
relaxation until they can quickly use personal cues, such as words, phrases or images--one
woman learned to visualize a cross--to relax in an anger-inducing situation.

"We have people identify what makes them very angry. With drivers, for example, when
people flip them off or go too slow," says Deffenbacher. "Then we have them visualize that
intensely for a minute or two and then help them relax...so they get angry and then relax it away.
We do that over and over again." By the end of approximately eight sessions, the patients should
learn to relax themselves, without therapist assistance.

"The analogy I like to use is it's like weight loss," he says. "They come in and get [rid of]
a lot of anger. I don't want to see them angry again, so we shift the focus to maintenance and
prevention eventually."

Cognitive therapy; in which psychologists help patients see alternative ways of thinking and
reacting to anger is another helpful treatment strategy, says Deffenbacher.

"A lot of ways in which we think when we're angry make situations worse," he explains.
"Suppose you're driving to work and you get cut off. You think, 'You idiot,' about the other
driver. But you could think 'Whoa, that was an accident waiting to happen.'" He also
recommends focusing on compatible and appropriate behaviors with patients. "If I'm an abusive
parent, I may need parenting skills. If I'm an angry driver, I need safe driving skills," he says.
Any of the three techniques, or any combination of them, takes "practice, practice, practice," says
Deffenbacher.

The combination of techniques also seems to produce the most positive effect. For
example, several of Deffenbacher's studies with angry college students, including one in 1996 in
Cognitive Therapy and Research (Vol. 20, No. 6), using a cognitive-relaxation intervention
showed that anger was lowered for most participants--with effect sizes of 1.0 generally, which is
statistically significant.

Kassinove and Tafrate, co-authors of "Anger Management: The Complete Treatment

Guidebook for Practitioners" (Impact, 2002), envision similar combinations of interventions in a
model that incorporates four stages of change:

 Preparing for change. Deffenbacher agrees this stage is often overlooked but is key to
success. Kassinove says clinicians need to start by helping patients increase their
motivation and awareness of their anger.
  Changing. This stage includes assertiveness training, avoiding and escaping from anger-
invoking situations, and a "barb exposure technique" that triggers patients' anger and then
teaches them to relax.

 Accepting and adjusting. At this point, patients are taught how to reconceptualize their
anger triggers, forgive others and avoid carrying a grudge against those who might anger
them.

 Maintaining change. It's best to conclude treatment with a long-term plan. New triggers
might re-ignite anger, so we try to include relapse prevention training, Kassinove advises.

Anger Management Skills

Following are the skills of anger management

1. Cooling down
2. Calm thinking
3. Self Esteem
4. Meditation

COOLING DOWN

How to Reduce Physical Arousal

Anger triggers stress responses

Fight or Flight Response

Physical Arousal

Techniques

1. Calm Breathing
2. Deep Breathing
3. PMR
1. Calm Breathing

(Low, Slowly and Deeply)

Tips

:•Posture

•Relax muscles

•Wear loose clothes

•Talk slower

2. Deep Breathing

i. Choose Calm word i-e Relax, Peace

ii. Saying your calming words i-e; (Relax, Peace) Breathe abdominally Relax muscles
Inhaling: Relax Exhaling: AlI’s well

3. Progressive Muscle Relaxation

Relaxation Record

Relaxation It is important to make time to relax and do activities that are enjoyable. This can
help to improve your mood and help you to manage your angry feelings by calming the body
and mind. It can also help you to sleep. Without taking the time to unwind, it is easy to feel
overwhelmed and stressed. Relaxation can involve doing something that you enjoy, or just
being by yourself. Good examples might be reading a book or having a bath. Exercise is also
particularly effective at helping us to relax. What you do does not really matter. Try to
choose something that you will look forward to and that gives you a break. Doing an activity
that you enjoy will also give you less time to spend worrying. Here are a list of activities that
might help you to relax. Suggestions:

Do some exercise (e.g. swim, cycle)

Read a book

Watch your favourite TV show

Go to the cinema

Do something creative (e.g. draw, paint)

Visit a friend or family member

Have a bath

Try to add some of your own ideas into the box below. You will know what works best for
you. Try to find time to relax every day. This might seem difficult, but it is worth making
time for. It can help you to feel a lot better. There are audio relaxation guides available that
you might find a helpful support. There are also some exercises described in the next few
pages. They are specifically designed to help you to relax. However, you should stop the
exercise if at any time you begin to experience discomfort or pain.

Controlled breathing

This simple technique involves focusing on and slowing down our breathing patterns. Many
people find this simple exercise very relaxing. It can be particularly helpful for those who
feel dizzy or light headed when they feel worried or stressed. This sometimes happens
because people's breathing changes and gets quicker when they feel distressed. This can be
an uncomfortable and unpleasant experience. It can make people even more on edge, and a
vicious cycle can occur. Learning controlled breathing exercises can help you to manage
these feelings more effectively. It can also help to give your mind and body a chance to calm
down. Remember, you can use this exercise to help you relax at any time. You could even
use it to help you get off to sleep. However, it is particularly useful if you ever feel light-
headed, dizzy or faint.

Beginning Get into a comfortable position.

Middle Work out a stable breathing rhythm. Perhaps try to breathe in for three seconds, hold
this breathe for two seconds, and then breathe out for three seconds. It can be helpful to count
as you do this e.g. IN: 1 – 2 - 3, HOLD: 1 - 2, OUT: 1 – 2 - 3, HOLD: 1 - 2.

Ending Repeat this action for a few minutes. You should soon begin to feel more relaxed. If
you were feeling dizzy then this should also get better after a few minutes.

Muscular relaxation

Tension often builds up when we feel upset or stressed. These symptoms can be painful and
can cause anxiety in themselves. Muscular relaxation exercises can help you to control such
unpleasant symptoms. They can reduce physical tension and help you to relax in general.
During this exercise you have to tense and then relax different muscles in your body. You
should focus on the feelings that you experience whilst doing this. With practice you will
then be more able to recognise and respond to the onset of tension. You can work through as
many muscle groups as you like. Don't feel that you have to cover every muscle in your
whole body. It can be helpful to stick to the same muscle groups each time you practice. That
way you can get into a routine which you can easily remember. If you practice this nearly
every day you will probably notice an improvement after a couple of weeks.

Beginning Find somewhere comfortable and quiet where you won't be interrupted. You can
either sit or lie down to practice this exercise. Begin by focusing on your breathing. Try to
have a slow and comfortable pace. You could use the controlled breathing technique
described earlier. Do this for a few minutes to prepare for the muscular relaxation exercise.

Middle Try to tense each muscle group for around five seconds. Don't tense the muscle too
tight. Focus on the sensations that this brings. Then relax your muscles for a similar length
of time, and again, focus on how this feels. Then move onto the next muscle group. Try to
remember to keep your breathing at a comfortable pace throughout. Below are some
suggestions of muscle groups that you may wish to work through:

Legs - point your toes and tense your muscles as if you were trying to stand up.

Stomach - tense your stomach muscles.

 Arms - make fists and tense your muscles as if you were trying to lift something.
Shoulders - shrug your shoulders. Lift them up towards your ears.

Face - make a frowning expression. Squeeze your eyes shut and screw up your nose. Clench
your teeth. Ending It can be helpful to spend a few minutes just lying quietly in a relaxed
state. See if you can notice any tension in your body and try to relax it. Otherwise, just let the
tension be. If your mind wanders, try to bring your concentration back to your breathing.
Finally, count down silently and slowly: 5 - 4 - 3 - 2 - 1 - 0, and come out of the relaxation in
your own time. See if it's possible to carry that relaxed feeling into whatever you do next.

CALM THINKING

Men are disturbed not by things, but views which they take of them.

ABC Model of CBT

A ------→B -----→C

A: Anger Trigger

B: Belief/Automatic Thoughts

C: Emotional and Physical consequences of Anger

Automatic Thoughts and Distortions

Learn and Understand

Identify

Challenge

Replacement thoughts (positive alternatives).

Example: What are your greatest fears? Fear of mistakes, rejection, criticism.
Why? →Diminishing Self-worth by others.

Triggers →Anger

Fueled by →Insecurities, Fear

Understanding leads to compassion for others and oneself

Challenging unhelpful thoughts

The way that we think about things has an impact on our stress levels and mood. Many of
these thoughts occur outside of our control, and can be negative or unhelpful. It is therefore
important to remember that they are just thoughts, without any real basis, and are not
necessarily facts. Even though we may believe a lot of our unhelpful thoughts when we are
feeling angry, it is good to remember that they should be questioned as they are often based
on wrong assumptions. The following section will help you begin to recognise if you are
thinking about things in an unhelpful or unrealistic way, and discuss how you can start to
make changes to this. By doing so, you can learn to see things in a more realistic light which
can help to improve your mood and help you to manage your angry feelings. You might have
unhelpful thoughts about all kinds of things. Here are some examples

About Yourself / Your Actions and Thoughts:

I am entitled to certain things

I must stand up for myself

I cannot tolerate frustration

About Others:

 Everyone's out to get me

 No one else is on my side

 Someone else is always to blame

About Anger:

 I have to express my frustration

 It's not good to hold back this strong emotion.

It is clear to see how this kind of thinking might lead to you feeling more angry. Do you ever
think in any of the ways outlined above?

How to challenge unhelpful thoughts

Once you have recognised an unhelpful thought the next stage is to challenge it. To do this,
you can ask yourself a serious of questions.

See the example below:

Situation: Someone looks over at you when your out with friends.

How you feel: Anxious, angry, frustrated, upset.

Unhelpful thought: They think that I'm stupid! Challenges to an unhelpful thought Now you
can challenge your unhelpful thoughts by asking these questions. Is there any evidence that
contradicts this thought?

 He's never talked to me before.

 I've never met him. Can you identify any of the patterns of unhelpful thinking described
earlier?

 I'm jumping to conclusions.

 Mind-reading.

 Labelling myself. What would you say to a friend who had this thought in a similar
situation?
  I would say - you don't know what he's thinking or why he looked over. What are the costs
and benefits of thinking in this way?

 Costs: I am likely to be on edge a lot and suspicious of other people.

 Benefits: I can't think of any. How will you feel about this in 6 months time?

 I'll probably look back and laugh about how silly I was being. Is there another way of
looking at this situation?

 I don't actually know why he looked over here, but perhaps he was looking for someone.
Once you have asked yourself these questions, you should read through your answers. Try to
come up with a more balanced or rational view. For example: There's no point in predicting
why that person looked over. There is no reason to think that it means that they were judging
me. Try to apply these questions to the unhelpful thoughts that you notice. It can help to
improve your mood and help you to manage your angry feelings. You can use this technique
to test your thoughts are realistic and balanced.

Techniques:

1. The Daily Thought Record

2. Rational Emotive Imagery

3. Role Reversal Exercises

4. Devil’s Advocate

1.Daily Thought Record

The Facts:

Event
 Impacts of event (feelings, emotions)

Intensity (Rate from 1-10)

Analysis of your thoughts:

Identify automatic thoughts and rate them

Label Distortions

Reasonable responses (How much you believe in them, Rate from 1-10).

Results:

Re-rate your automatic thoughts and emotions

Even slightest drop in upsetting feelings is significant.

2.Rational Emotive Imagery

It was introduced by Albert Ellis

Basis: ABC Model

Procedure:

Imagine:

A: A trigger

B: The self talk

C: Resulting feelings

Now Imagine:

C changes and it results in slight change in emotion

Now, Ask:
What thoughts changed in order to cause this shift in emotion?

Client will obviously feel shift in emotion.

3.Role Reversal

Take anger promoting core belief that promotes anger. Have a partner to argue for its
reasonableness. And you try to explain why that is not reasonable and very beneficial.

4. Devil’s Advocate

It is done in a group setting. One person reads one core belief and Others take turn to provide
various alternatives.

SELF ESTEEM

“Realistic, appreciative opinion of oneself”.

Realistic: How we see our self accurately and honestly.

Appreciative: Positive feelings of liking and accepting.

Low Self-Esteem and Anger

Under the right circumstances, an outburst of anger is natural and justified and is designed to
protect us from harm. Anger is a feeling that everyone can relate to but it becomes a problem
when it is not expressed in a healthy way. Expressing your anger negatively can damage
relationships with your friends and family.

Research confirms that behind passive aggressive and active aggressive behavior lies low self-
esteem. People with low self-esteem will sometimes use anger when they feel like their opinions
and feelings do not mean much. Moreover, feeling self-conscious, victimized or diminished in
some way is a trigger for self defence anger. Sometimes you might feel an outcast or
unattractive, you feel easily hurt by others and when things don’t go as you expect them to, your
feelings manifest as anger or sometimes rage. Reacting with anger seems like the only way to
cope with low self-esteem. You are using anger as a weapon to hurt the ones who triggered your
embarrassment, worthlessness, and hopelessness.

Techniques:

Can Self Esteem Change?

Cognitive behavioral therapy for low self-esteem may include a combination of the following
treatments:

1.Cognitive restructuring: Cognitive restructuring is a combination of recognizing unhelpful

thinking patterns, and replacing them with more effective thinking patterns. Cognitive
restructuring for low self-esteem often focuses on identifying negative thoughts about oneself,
and identifying distorted thinking, such as labeling oneself as a failure due to one skills deficit or
negative event. 

2.Behavioral activation: When people have low self-esteem, they often avoid activities and
situations that they fear they will not do well in. As a result, they have few opportunities for
rewarding experiences, and often become depressed. Behavioral activation reverses this cycle by
helping people re-engage with life, and thus have more rewarding experiences. 

Assertiveness training: People with poor self-esteem often have difficulty asking for what they
want, saying no to requests, or making their true feelings known. Assertiveness training is a way
of helping people learn to effectively and skillfully get what they want from others without
sacrificing their relationships.

3.Problem-solving training: When people have had low self-esteem over a long period of time,
they tend to feel helpless in many situations. Problem-solving training helps people find a sense
of agency by teaching them to recognize problems, identify resources and potential solutions,
and finally carry out effective plans. 
4.Social skills training: Low self-esteem is often intertwined with social skills deficits. Social
skills training helps people increase positive and rewarding social behaviors and decrease
negative social behavior, such as complaining. 

5.Cognitive Rehearsal:

1. List 10 strengths

2. Find relaxing place. Look at statement then meditate on evidence for accuracy

3. Repeat for 10 days

6.Nevertheless:

People without self-esteem are easily threatened by stressful events because everyone's become a
test of earth they think “Because I was criticized therefore my worth is diminished”. Conversely
people with self-esteem know that their worth cannot be diminished no matter what people do or
say. So even though they might feel diminished, they quickly remind themselves that this is just
a feeling not reality. The nevertheless skill reinforces this is belief. The format is, “Even though
You criticized my performance (you don't think much of me, you dumped me, I messed up or
some other statement of fact) nevertheless I am a worthwhile person.

MEDITATION

“Awareness of one’s true, happy nature”. In Buddhist tradition, the word ‘meditation’ is
equivalent to a word like ‘sports’ in the U.S. It’s a family of activities, not a single thing,”
University of Wisconsin neuroscience lab director Richard J. Davidson, Ph.D., told The New
York Times. And different meditation practices require different mental skills.

It’s extremely difficult for a beginner to sit for hours and think of nothing or have an “empty
mind.” In general, the easiest way to begin meditating is by focusing on the breath an example of
one of the most common approaches to meditation: concentration.

Concentration meditation
Concentration meditation involves focusing on a single point. This could entail following the
breath, repeating a single word or mantra, staring at a candle flame, listening to a repetitive gong,
or counting beads on a mala. Since focusing the mind is challenging, a beginner might meditate
for only a few minutes and then work up to longer durations.

In this form of meditation, you simply refocus your awareness on the chosen object of attention
each time you notice your mind wandering. Rather than pursuing random thoughts, you simply
let them go. Through this process, your ability to concentrate improves.

Mindfulness meditation

Mindfulness meditation encourages the practitioner to observe wandering thoughts as they drift
through the mind. The intention is not to get involved with the thoughts or to judge them, but
simply to be aware of each mental note as it arises.

Through mindfulness meditation, you can see how your thoughts and feelings tend to move in
particular patterns. Over time, you can become more aware of the human tendency to quickly
judge an experience as good or bad, pleasant or unpleasant. With practice, an inner balance
develops.

In some schools of meditation, students practice a combination of concentration and

mindfulness. Many disciplines call for stillness to a greater or lesser degree, depending on the
teacher.

Other meditation techniques

There are various other meditation techniques. For example, a daily meditation practice among
Buddhist monks focuses directly on the cultivation of compassion. This involves envisioning
negative events and recasting them in a positive light by transforming them through compassion.
There are also moving meditation techniques, such as tai chi, qigong, and walking meditation.

Benefits of meditation

If relaxation is not the goal of meditation, it is often a result. In the 1970s, Herbert Benson, MD,
a researcher at Harvard University Medical School, coined the term “relaxation response" after
conducting research on people who practiced transcendental meditation. The relaxation response,
in Benson’s words, is “an opposite, involuntary response that causes a reduction in the activity of
the sympathetic nervous system.”

Since then, studies on the relaxation response have documented the following short-term benefits
to the nervous system:

 Lower blood pressure

 Improved blood circulation

 Lower heart rate

 Less perspiration

 Slower respiratory rate

 Less anxiety

 Lower blood cortisol levels

 More feelings of well-being

 Less stress

 Deeper relaxation

Contemporary researchers are now exploring whether a consistent meditation practice yields
long-term benefits, and noting positive effects on brain and immune function among meditators.
Yet it’s worth repeating that the purpose of meditation is not to achieve benefits. To put it as an
Eastern philosopher may say, the goal of meditation is no goal. It’s simply to be present.

In Buddhist philosophy, the ultimate benefit of meditation is liberation of the mind from
attachment to things it cannot control, such as external circumstances or strong internal
emotions. The liberated or “enlightened” practitioner no longer needlessly follows desires or
clings to experiences, but instead maintains a calm mind and sense of inner harmony.
How to meditate: Simple meditation for beginners

This meditation exercise is an excellent introduction to meditation techniques.

1. Sit or lie comfortably. You may even want to invest in a meditation chair or cushion.

2. Close your eyes. We recommend using one of our Cooling Eye Masks or Restorative Eye
Pillows if lying down. 

3. Make no effort to control the breath; simply breathe naturally.

4. Focus your attention on the breath and on how the body moves with each inhalation and
exhalation. Notice the movement of your body as you breathe. Observe your chest,
shoulders, rib cage, and belly. Simply focus your attention on your breath without
controlling its pace or intensity. If your mind wanders, return your focus back to your
breath.

Maintain this meditation practice for two to three minutes to start, and then try it for longer
periods. 

Maintain this meditation practice for two to three minutes to start, and then try it for longer
periods.

Tips:

Practice at quiet place

Loose clothing

Comfortable alert posture

Focus of concentration i-e breathing

A calming word i-e A prayer

Transforming anger
In meditating and in applying mindfulness in the heat of the moment, we are offered an
opportunity to work with anger whenever and however it arises in a skillful, measured way.

When any emotion rises up, we tend to first get caught up in it and then act it out, through speech
or action. This couldn’t be truer for the heightened emotion of anger. Meditation, though, can
teach us how to change a rash, reactive mindset into a more considered, responsive, and
productive one.

We start by first learning to recognize anger’s onset without stepping into it. Imagine a cauldron
full of red-hot, bubbling liquid it’s there, we see it clearly, but we can watch without reaching in
and hurling cupfuls of it around the room. We don’t have to get involved.

Understanding emotional reactivity

Emotional reactivity is sparked by provocation, but that doesn’t have to mean person-to-person
conflict. Anything a traffic jam, the grocery store being out of milk, politics on the TV, our
sports team losing, being clumsy can be provocation enough to prompt an emotional reaction.

The ability to transform anger also involves taking responsibility for the fact that our anger is a
part of us, regardless of what situation presses our buttons. Few of us purposefully get angry, so
familiarizing ourselves with our emotional reactivity helps us understand what makes us hot
under the collar and what it brings up for us.

As we stew on what upset us, our angry thoughts fan the flames until we reach the point when
we project our ire outward or seek to blame others, and that’s where we need to understand the
role our mind plays in stoking the fire.

With practice, we learn to see that anger doesn’t need to erupt in a matter of seconds; in fact,
once we learn to view anger as a fleeting energy, we come to realize that we can be in control of
it, not vice versa. We also come to see our anger with more clarity, realizing that it can actually
be a healthy emotion if channeled in the appropriate way.

Healthy versus unhealthy anger

If we’re easily angered and suddenly erupt, breathing fire onto undeserving bystanders, then
we’re likely exhibiting unhealthy anger that comes with little awareness. By contrast, if our
anger stems from a wrongdoing or an injustice and we bring reflection and awareness learned in
meditation to the situation, we can properly assess and respond rather than react. This way, we
are acting proactively and productively; that’s a healthy anger, appropriately harnessed and
expressed.

When anger rises up, the idea is to honor it, feel it, and be aware of it without letting it burn us
up. That’s the kind of skill we can achieve through emotional regulation and meditation, a skill
that begins with the breath through a technique called “focused attention.”

The breath as a barometer

Paying attention to our breath is a handy way of determining how calm we are or how calm
we’re not.

The breath is a reliable barometer of how we feel in body and mind in any given moment. If our
breath were an alarm, it would sound every time we felt irritated, overwhelmed, impatient, or
downright angry. Thankfully, for the mercy of everyone, “focused attention” is a much quieter
signal system.

When angry feelings start to swell, it’s as though the body were full of hot, rising air that has
nowhere to go; the breath can become shallower and more rapid. Hence why we feel we might
blow a gasket.

Our emotional regulation begins by finding a way to release this intensity, and that release is
through the out breath. We bring our focus to the breath and allow the body a deep exhale. And
if we continue to exhale two, three, four, even five times if necessary the anger dissipates.

When we experience anger, we notice it beginning but rarely pay attention to when it has left us.
By following the out breath, we are not only releasing tension, but we are also deliberately
noticing anger’s beginning and its end. In noticing the end, we notice its impermanence.

It takes a certain amount of willingness to be vulnerable enough to sit with and understand one’s
anger. It also requires patience to follow the natural out breath in this way, especially in the heat
of the moment. Tuning into this internal barometer has the potential to make a real difference in
how we calm ourselves and become less reactive.

Reducing Hostility

“Hostility is an attitude of dislike and distrust toward other people.”

It assumes that others are bad at heart and will deliberately do something to hurt us. It
usually promotes anger by putting us on the defensive, anticipating slights and offenses, and
preparing us to do battle. Hostility wishes ill for other people. It has been associated with
cardiovascular diseases and increased mortality from all causes. Not to mention the damage it
does to careers and relationships.

Strategies to Reduce Hostility

1. Cost-benefit analysis of hostility

2. Choose to reduce hostility
3. Find evidence of goodness in people
4. Try to convince someone that a disliked person is totally evil then try to convince
the person that the disliked person is not all bad.
5. Cultivate empathy and compassion.
6. Look at faces.
7. Seek evidence of good in yourself.
8. Change yourself.
9. Realize that you don’t need to maintain a wall of suspicion to protect yourself.
10. View all people alike.
11. Turn down hostility dial.
12. Be carrier of kindness.

Forgiving

“Forgiving means we choose to release resentment, hatred, bitterness and desires for
revenge for wrongs done to us, we decide to break our troubling connection to the offender.”
 Forgiving is a personal choice that does not depend on the offender’s deserving it, asking
for it or expressing remorse although these certainly can make forgiving easier.

What Blocks Forgiveness?

A number of fears and misconceptions can block us from obtaining the benefit from forgiving.

1. Forgiving means I am condoning the behavior

2. Forgiving means forgetting
3. Forgiving will make the offender think his actions didn’t hurt me.
4. Without the anger, I’ll vulnerable.
5. Forgiving risks making me look weak.
6. If I don’t make him pay he’ll never change.
7. Forgiving means reconciling or trusting.
8. Certain acts are unforgiveable.
9. The offender is all bad and deserving of my animosity.
10. Revenge will restore my peace.

The Principles of Forgiving

1. Commit to heal and forgive.

2. Expect the act of forgiving serious offenses to be difficult.
3. Acknowledge that an offense has taken place and appropriately assign responsibility.
4. If forgiving is difficult, you might try forgiving lesser offenses first.
5. Lower your expectation of the offender.
6. Release the idea that a past offense is responsible for your present un happiness
7. Complete emotional business.
8. Forgive yourself for vulnerable.

Forgiveness Strategies

The Gestalt Chairs Technique

 Gestalt chairs can be used to process unfinished business with an offender who is
dangerous, unavailable, or unable or unwilling to deal with your hurt.it can help to process and
complete your feelings, and also , perhaps, better understand the offender’s position.

Steps

1. Arrange two chairs, facing each other at an angle. Sit in one.

2. Take two easy, deep breaths. Relax. Calm yourself as you prepare to get in touch
honestly with your feelings.
3. Imagine the offender sitting in the other chair. Notice what it is like being with this
person. Notice your feelings, the anger, and all the other feelings beneath the anger.
4. Begin a dialogue.
 Start by making a positive statement (e.g., “years from now I want to have
good feelings when I think about you, but right now I don’t. My aim to
resolve this not hurt you.”
 Explain what you want (e.g., “I want you to hear and understand my hurt and
not cut me off with’ I’ m sorry’ or ‘ I didn’t mean it’ before hearing me
out.”)
 Tell the person what you are thinking and feeling.
Describe what happened.
Describe the impact of the offense, and especially your feelings (e.g., “I
felt…... Now I feel…..”).
 Remain seated. Think. Feel your feelings—the anger, the hurt, the
sadness.

5. Change seats:
Allow the offender to thin and feel his feelings__his own hurts, disappointment,
frustrations. Allow the offender to respond. Express the offender’s perspective,
including his view of what happened, his thought and feelings. Stay seated after
talking. Think. Feel, as though you were the offender, all his feelings.
6. Keep changing seats until both have fully expressed themselves.
Letter of Apology

Some prefer to hear those healing words “I hurt you, I was wrong, I’ m sorry” in a letter.
You might write yourself an imaginary letter from the offender. In the letter the offender
acknowledges the impact of the hurt he caused, explains mitigating circumstances if that will
help, and expresses genuine remorse and hopes for your healing and happiness.

Forgiving in Writing

.1 Make a list of all the people you have not yet forgiven. For each person , finish these
sentences for each offense.

Dear ____________

I felt ______________________when_______________________________________

Because___________________ i still feel____________________________________

Signed __________

.2 After finishing step 1 for each person, complete this statement.

Dear_________

To the best of my ability, I forgive you for all the hurt you caused me. I release my burden of
ill will toward you now, and free you and me to live. (if you shared some responsibility for the
offense or carried extreme resentment, you might ask the offender to forgive you, or you might
wish to add statement about forgiving yourself.)

Singed______________

3. Some people find it useful to ritualistically burn the writings as a symbol of closure.
Forgiving Imagery

Find a comfortable place to relax, take two breath and on the out-breath. Then:

1. Identify a loving figure.

2. Think of a person who has offended you. Reflect upon the offense, assigning
responsibility for the wrong he/she did.
3. Express your pain in the presence of the loving figure. Physically locate your
feeling of rejection, inferiority, violated trust, anger, or other forms of hurt. Give
the pain a shape and color, imagine the love of that loving figure as a bright light,
surrounding you and infusing the places that hurt.
4. Imagine the offender’s real life battles. Imaging the adversity he is facing,
imaging him as a hurting child, perhaps a victim himself.
5. Imagine his strong points
6. Can you recall shared good times? Joyful experience? Ways he supported you or
made you feel good? This can sometimes account for part of the difficulty of
letting go.
7. Accept responsibility for taking offense.
8. Send your forgiveness and healing to the offender, imagine something nice
happening to him, such as filling the gaps and needs of his childhood. Imagine
wishing him well. See him filled with and behaving with loving kindness.
9. Scan your body for remaining hurt or heaviness. Feel it lifting away from your
body and taking a shape in front of you. The loving figure pulls you through the
hurt and heaviness, embraces you and kindly whispers: “The hurting is healing.
You are safe, loved, and protected now.” You feel your entire body filled with
peace.

Interpersonal Skills

“Interpersonal skill refers as skills that build satisfying interpersonal relationship.”

 General Rules of Thumb

Whether we are referring to relationships with family members, coworkers, or friends,

you’ll be more likely to build high-quality relationship if you:

1. Create an emotional climate that is safe and secure and allows people to be their best.
2. Make understanding others your first priority.
3. Actively invest in your social life.
4. Remain upbeat
There is something refreshing about a relationship where honest feelings can be
authentically shared, even negative feelings such as sadness, fear or anger.
5. Show interest in other person.

The Problem Solving Model

The problem-solving model follows these steps:

1. Brainstorm ideas.
2. Evaluate the advantages and disadvantages of each alternative. Both speak freely
here. There is no bargaining or persuading at this point.
3. Agree on the best idea, combination of ideas, or compromise solution.
4. Specify details. What will each person do? When will you put the plan into effect?
When is a good time to meet again to evaluate how you’re doing?

Take Time-Outs

Steps

1. Explain to your partner, we need to talk about this, but I’ m starting to feel angry. I’d
better take a time-out.
2. Use the time-out period to cool down and gain perspective.
 3. When you return, you might resume talking if both people are ready. Don’t force it.

Note: if your partner is getting angry, you might first try saying “I’m willing to talk if
we can both use normal tone of voice.

Innovative Approaches

1) Heals
1. Healing. See the word Healing flash three times in bright colors in your mind.
2. Experience the deepest hurt.
 Say slowly, “I feel…. (Insignificant, unimportant, rejected, disregarded
etc)
 Feels the feeling for a second or two, there is no healing.
 Think of yourself as so vast that you can let hurts in.

3. Apply compassion to heal the hurt.

 Remind yourself that it is natural to feel upset, hurt, frustrated, etc.
 Think about an image that connects you to your core value.
 A compliment or expressed appreciation from a loved one.
 Simply being with trusted friend
 A time when you felt accomplished, kind, creative, in control etc.
 The image may be strengthen with an appropriate statement such as “ I
am worthwhile.” Or “ I am capable”

4. Love yourself by feeling compassion by offender.

5. Solve the problem by taking action when you can.
 ASSIT Program

Pat huggins, clinical instructor in counseling at the University of Washington, has

developed an effective and simple anger management program for children. These simp

le skills also effective on adults. Basic tool of the program is turtle trick.

The Four steps

1. Stop and calm down

 Pay attention. At the first cues of anger , simply tell yourself “stop”.
 Do the turtle trick . go in warm , safe shell , relax, take some deep breaths, and
think
Is it worth getting mad?
it’s not such a big deal?

2. Think about the best thing to do. Start asking, “how much anger can I show without
causing myself trouble?” Then ask, “ what the best thing to do here.?”
3. Talk it over:
 Talk directly to the person
 Talk to someone you trust to gain insight and release tension
 Talk it over with yourself
4. Feel Good Again. The purpose of this step to release the tension and get beyond your
anger.
 Put yourself on the back. Examples:
 That was challenging , but I did it.
 All in all, not bad.
 I coped with that pretty well.