How to Keep Your Coven from Being Destroyed, by Eran

Part I: The Problem

We've all seen Covens fall apart, or larger umbrella organizations torn by
internal strife. Sometimes, this is simply part of the natural cycle of
creation and dissolution, an outworn group dissolving to make room for new
growth. But at other times, a group with much promise can be damaged or
destroyed while seemingly still young and healthy. And not only are groups
destroyed, but vibrant and dedicated Elders can find themselves disillusioned,
wounded perhaps beyond healing. They go into self-imposed isolation, and their
potential gifts to the Craft are lost forever.

The process by which this happens sometimes seems mysterious and

incomprehensible. At times, it's impossible to clearly see what went wrong.
Looking at the tragedy after the fact, it seems as if everyone did everything
right. There were, perhaps, misunderstandings and miscommunications. But most
of the people involved honestly and sincerely tried to understand everyone's
point of view, and they did all the correct conflict-management and conflict-
resolution kinds of things. But somehow, everything they tried simply made
matters worse. And the people who were the most ethical, the most dedicated to
finding a win-win solution, the most patient and understanding - these were
the people who got burned the worst, the ones whose strength was sapped, the
ones whose idealism was destroyed, the ones who wind up walling themselves in
and cutting off their ties to the community.

It's almost enough to make you paranoid, and wonder if there's a cowen plot to
break the will of our most dedicated and ethical people.

A while back, Isaac Bonewits published a review of a book which explored this
subject. The book is called, Antagonists in the Church: How to Identify and
Deal with Destructive Conflict, by Kenneth Haugk (Augsberg Publishing House,
Minneapolis, 1988). Isaac highly recommended this book, in spite of it being
written from a Christian perspective and intended for a Christian audience of
ministers and lay leaders. He claimed the book makes clear much which
otherwise seems mysterious and confusing. He was right.

For a modern Witch or Pagan, reading Haugk's book frequently gets tiresome,
because Haugk honestly views conflicts within Christian groups as ultimately
being the work of the Devil out to destroy the True Church. But putting aside
the Christian apologetics, there's an amazing amount in there which is useful
and incredibly insightful. If you've ever seen the sorts of destructive
conflict described above within a Coven or other Pagan group, Haugk's book
will provide an illumination beyond hope. The book needs to be re-written,
though, from a Pagan viewpoint (a project in which I am currently engaged),
because there are strengths and problems peculiar to Paganism and the Craft
which don't impact the Christian audience Haugk wrote for.

Here's a very important insight: Such conflicts don't "just happen." The
really destructive ones, the really vicious fights which tear apart Covens or
larger groups, conflicts which break the spirit of the most dedicated Elders,
these conflicts aren't accidents, and they aren't the consequence of simple
misunderstandings or miscommunications. No; they happen because particular
individuals made them happen. There is a class of personality traits which
makes certain individuals crave conflict. There are people who need conflict
the way most people need food. When one of these folks gets going, no form of
conflict-resolution process is going to work, because such a person is not
interested in resolving conflicts. Indeed, the more understanding and patient
you are, the worse things will get, because such a person uses your patience
and understanding as opportunities to prolong the conflict.

Fortunately, such people are few and far between, and they can usually be
recognized before they start causing damage. The personality traits they
possess can be identified, and their techniques can be thwarted or rendered
ineffective. To handle them properly takes prior knowledge and preparation,
however. It also requires a willingness to take firm action, and to freely
exercise your legitimate authority as a Coven Leader. Unfortunately, unless
the problem becomes recognized on a wider scale and is appropriately dealt
with in the Pagan community at large, damage can still be done in wider
arenas. You can make your own Coven or Grove almost immune to people like
this. But keeping such people from tearing apart larger umbrella
organizations, or spreading malicious rumors through a local or regional
community - that's quite a lot harder.

In a series of articles, I'll describe the personality traits involved, ways

to recognize them, warning signs to watch for, and techniques which do and
don't work in dealing with them. Future articles will give reasons why Pagan
groups can be particularly attractive targets for such people, and what can be
done to make your group less targetable. Since this is a religious context,
I'll also give some thoughts on the theology of it all. Regardless of how
Haugk views the matter, as Witches we needn't see it as a conflict of good vs.
evil, but rather as a case of treating the people around us in the ways which
are appropriate to each individual person. Nor is it a case of a cowen plot,
but rather of processes which are entirely natural, though discomforting - in
the same way a plague or a flood or an earthquake is entirely natural. Though
the Gods of Nature throw such disasters at us, we needn't stand passively and
merely accept the destruction. If you live on a floodplain or geologic fault,
you can, and should, make proper preparations to minimize how badly you'll be
hurt.

Take all this merely as advice. If you know of better ways to deal with the
problems explored here, by all means, use them - and share them with the rest
of us!

By Any Other Name...

A future article will provide a list of warning signs and telltale personality
traits. But to start with, let's begin with a basic understanding of what
we're dealing with.

Really destructive conflict is caused by people who are driven to engage

others in unwinnable contests. Such people generally have very low self-
esteem, little regard for those around them, often a rather loose grip on
consensual reality, and frequently possess a fair measure of paranoia. Their
low self esteem makes them want to tear others down, in order to make
themselves look better by comparison. Having little or no regard for others,
they won't care about the damage they cause, and frequently won't even
recognize they've caused any. Being unable to distinguish reality from their
own rich inner fantasy lives, they will be very convincing liars, because they
honestly believe the incredible things they say. And their paranoia is often
justified; when they act on their inner drives, they start causing damage, and
people stop liking them. Paranoiacs frequently do have many enemies, and few
friends.
All this makes them very guarded and closed-off and secretive, though they'll
frequently hide behind a carefully-constructed mask of outward friendliness.
One such person was overly fond of the most famous quote from Machiavelli:
"Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer." That kind of deceit and
duplicity is something to look out for.

The word Kenneth Haugk uses for these sorts of destructive people is
"antagonists." The word was chosen to remind his Christian readers of the
antagonism between Satan and the biblical god. In a Pagan context, it wouldn't
be appropriate to use this imagery of Eternal Conflict. We'd do better with an
image more in keeping with Pagan myth and symbolism.

Something like "Shiva" or "Kali" would be an improvement. After all,

destruction is a natural process, though one which we don't want to stand too
close to, if we can help it. But then, destructive people get most of their
strength from the fear and worry they can inspire in their targets, and
putting on them a label like "Kali" gives them far too much power. Better
still would be a term which, while not minimizing the danger, doesn't give
them more respect than they deserve. The Books of Raoul say, "Every ecosystem
needs maggots," and so I've heard the term "maggot" used effectively, though
that seems to go too far the other way. A word I've chosen to use is "troll."

In much of European mythology and folklore, giants, trolls, and ogres are
embodiments of the forces of Chaos, natural forces which often batter at the
walls of civilization or even at the orderly forms which Nature Herself
creates. Chaos is not an "evil" force. It's simply the flip side of the
creative impulse. Seeing destructive people as chaotic rather than as evil
helps to place them into a useful and meaningful Pagan context. Of all these
chaotic embodiments, trolls are sometimes among the strongest - yet they also
have an unintentionally comic side, as we're reminded by fairy tales such as
the "Three Billy Goats Gruff," or modern stories such as Tolkien's "The
Hobbit". Trolls can be easily outwitted, if you know something about them, for
sunlight turns them into harmless boulders. An understanding of the true
nature of destructive people is the sunlight which renders them impotent and
ineffective.

Inner Drives
Trolls can't help being trolls. It isn't that they want to be destructive,
exactly, any more than a plague-carrying flea wants to cause death, or a flood
wants to destroy a town. It's just in the nature of the thing. Floods simply
spread over the plain, and if you happen to be in the way, well, too bad for
you. Nothing you did either caused the flood, or could have prevented it. In
the same way, destructive people have inner drives which make them act as they
do. No action you take will make them behave differently. The best you can do
is to not be around when the dam breaks.

Frequently, trolls are unaware of the damage they're causing. A cornered

mongoose doesn't really want to rip you to pieces; it just wants to get away.
So too, a destructive person will usually deny wanting to cause pain. Such
people really want something else, usually the things which all people want
and need: self-fulfillment, validation, a feeling of security, and so on. It's
just that trolls have extremely unhealthy ways to go about getting these
things. And when they do get them, their insecurity convinces them it won't
last, so they'd better get more. This is the key in a nutshell: trolls are not
healthy people, so they can't be expected to act in mature and healthy ways.
And treating them as if they were mature and healthy is like treating a
cornered mongoose as if it was a beloved housecat. The results are not pretty.
A mongoose or a plague-carrying flea is not likely to change into something
else. Neither is a troll. Unless you are very, very skilled as a counselor,
nothing you can do will help a troll get healthy. In fact, things you'd
normally do to help other people will just make matters worse. If you are
understanding and patient in response to a troll's dishonest or destructive
acts, what troll learns is: dishonesty and destructiveness is rewarded by
patience and understanding. This encourages the troll to continue being
dishonest and destructive.

Trolls need conflict, the way healthy people need food. If people are
responding to them in any way at all, this provides them with a feeling of
having an impact on the world around them. Since they have very little self-
esteem, any reaction at all is far better than none. And since fear and hate
are powerful emotions, if they can inspire fear and hate, this makes them feel
powerful and effective. Further, being hated feeds their paranoia ("See? I was
right! People really don't like me!") and encourages more of the acts which
inspired the fear and hate in the first place ("... so I have to get them
first!"). But being loved and embraced won't stop those actions, since what
they crave is excitement and conflict, not love. And being somewhat paranoid,
they'll think your acts of love are intended to fool them into feeling safe
and comfortable; they'll be convinced your kindness is part of an elaborate
trap. ("I know people don't like me. So why are you pretending you do? What
are you up to?")

Because trolls need conflict, they are very practiced at it. Experience is a
good teacher, and most trolls will have had an enormous amount of experience
by the time they are old enough to join a Coven. If you wind up being the
target of a troll's attacks, fighting back is not a good idea. Trolls are
very, very good at turning any frontal assaults to their advantage. They are
even better at finding and manipulating more subtle responses. One of the most
powerful defensive tricks they have is pretending to be the victim. Once you
respond - in any way, regardless of how measured and controlled your response
is - they begin telling everyone they know about how mean you are, and how
cruel and vicious and vindictive you're being. It's a good way to turn your
own friends against you, and begin making you feel isolated and paranoid. This
tactic has the additional advantage of turning attention away from whatever
unethical acts the troll was doing in the first place.

For a healthy person involved in a misunderstanding, a careful explanation of

what went wrong can go a long way toward resolving the tensions. But this
doesn't have the desired effect if the person isn't healthy. Don't explain
things to a troll. If you sit a troll down and say, "This act led to this
damage; this statement caused that argument; you misunderstood me in this way,
which caused this difficulty," it verifies for the troll exactly what worked
and what didn't. Such an approach tells the troll precisely which strategies
can be used to prolong the conflict. If you say, "We can resolve the problem
by doing this," you've told the troll what to avoid. Trolls are willing to
make any promises which are needed to lull you into a sense of unwariness;
then they're good at finding justifications for breaking those promises, or
finding ways around them, so the conflict will go on. Particularly if other
people are involved, they are also very good at deflecting any discussion away
from the central issues involved - such as the troll's own actions.

So, patience won't help; retaliation won't help; love and support won't help.
Explaining the situation won't help, and neither will proposing solutions or
compromises, nor will mediation or engagement in any sort of dialogue. If you
wind up in any dispute or argument with a troll, doing any of these things
will simply make matters worse, and will probably result in incredible pain.
Yet these are exactly the approaches you should use with most people who are
not trolls. Most people are healthy. Trolls are not, and should not be treated
as if they are. Trolls are not healthy; they won't get healthy, they don't
want to get healthy, and keeping them near you will eventually let them harm
you.

The only effective way to handle trolls should be obvious. It's also very
simple, in theory at least. Don't associate with trolls. And if one gets into
your Coven, he or she needs to be ejected as soon as you recognize that it
really is a troll you're dealing with. And you don't want to get involved in
detailed discussions with the troll, explanations of why you're taking the
action you're taking. You want to just do it, and be done with it.

But obviously, you don't want to treat a healthy person this way, someone with
whom you're simply having a genuine disagreement or misunderstanding. So the
trick is not so much in how to handle a troll. It's in how to recognize one.

Next time, I'll present some ways to recognize trolls.

Copyright (c) 2002 David Petterson

May be recirculated as long as this information is included

Part II: Trollspotting