We have two children, a boy, then a girl.

We knew from the time he was two that we were

going to have a problem. For example, one day when he was two I was heating water for tea
on an electric stove. I watched as he raised his little hand toward the red hot burner.

“No, no, don’t touch that. it will burn you and hurt.” He dropped his hand briefly and then,
before I could react, he looked me in the eyes, quickly raised his hand again and placed his
palm on the burner. He had burner rings across his little hand. I grabbed him and got his
hand under running cold water. I don’t remember if he cried.

That was just the beginning of 16 years of hell. Failing grades, not interested in anything
except Star Wars and Legos, no friends, never invited to a birthday party or a sleep over. He
wasn’t verbally or physically rebellious, he just wouldn’t do anything his teachers or we
asked him to do.

By the time he was about nine, we had taken him to multiple doctors, psychiatrists,
therapists and groups designed to help him learn how to socialize with boys his age.
Nothing worked. He was diagnosed ADHD but the medication made him worse, a sure sign
this was not ADHD. When he was old enough to diagnose, doctors determined he was
suffering from bi-polar disorder, and learning difficulties.

He absolutely refused to take any medication. One day I found a bunch of his ADHD
medication under the bed. When we switched medication, that went under the bed,
too.Finally, by the time he was 17, I showed him where the bottle was, how much he was
supposed to take and said, “Take it, don’t take it. You are much bigger than me and I can’t
force you to. I’m done trying to help you feel better. You’re going to have to decide for
yourself if you want to feel better.”

We did everything a specialist suggested. We couldn’t get him to comply with basic
requests and he refused to even be a part of family activities. One Saturday we took out the
Monopoly game to play. His sister happily joined in. He refused to play and sat in the corner
of the couch and watched us.

We set up a chore chart with cool prizes if he did his chores for a certain number of days. He
didn’t care enough about the prizes to be bothered.

One day, when he was about nine, his dad and I reached our limit of trying to get this child
to relate to the family, and follow simple requests like pick up his shoes or wash his hands
before dinner. We talked about it and decided to take the most radical step we could think
of: we took everything out of his room including his mattress. This only thing left was his
bed frame and a few clothes.

“Now, here’s a new chart. If you do what you are supposed to do, you can take back one of
your toys, or your mattress if you’re tired of sleeping on the floor.”
He completely understood what was required of him to get all his things back. We just
wanted to see a little engagement with the family and cooperation to get his small chores
done.

Our house was not large and most of his things were stuffed into our bedroom. We could
hardly move around in our room. So, the first day or two we got some half-hearted
cooperation and then he adjusted to having nothing and went back to his normal ways. He
made no effort to earn back anything. Nothing. Not even his favorite toys or his bed.

This went on for several weeks until we couldn’t stand living in the cluttered mess. One
Saturday, we put everything back and I made his bed. Then we put him in his room and
closed the door.

He never apologized for his obstinate behavior or thanked us for returning his stuff. He
continued on in his self-destructive ways. By the time he was 18 he was in the county jail for
stealing several thousand dollars from me. I had it for a fundraiser I was in charge of. How
was I going to explain this to the group I was raising funds for? It was so humbling because
the person in charge of the group and I did not get along. We had called a tentative truce.
Now I had to call him and tell him about the theft.

The Assistant District Attorney was great. We met so I could explain what happened. She
asked if there was anything she could do. I asked her to delay his proceedings as long as
possible so he would get a good idea of what jail was like. If he ever decided to do
something like this again, I wanted the threat of jail to keep him on track.

Well, jail worked and he’s been able to control his impulsiveness enough not to land in jail -
or worse - again. So how is he now? He’s 37 now and while he has difficulty finding and
keeping a job - still doesn’t want to do what people tell him to do - he has become a gentle,
nurturing man who will give someone his last 25¢ if they need it. I love him dearly and like
to spend time with him, just me and him. He will never be a financial success but he has a
way with people, especially kids, that he will be successful in other ways.

Note: The worst part of his jail experience is that because of the amount of money he stole,
he was charged with a felony. He was convicted of a misdemeanor. But in the state of
Colorado, a person’s criminal record shows what the person was charged with. So, when a
new employer does a background check, his comes up as a felon. Employers never look at
the final plea agreement of misdemeanor, or the age of the charges. He’s done a lot of
growing up between 18 and 37. He’s not a convicted felon but prospective employers treat
him as if he were. We can’t find a way around this and finding employment is very difficult.
I’m not saying he shouldn’t have to face the consequences of his actions. I’m just saying I
think those consequences should be based on the final plea agreement.