Tue, 9th Jan 2018 

I want to die. I want to stop the pain. I want to jump from the windows. I want a 
permanent blackout. I don’t want to be a burden to anyone. I want to end it. No 
one believes me. My pain. My suffering. My guilt. Because I am only 14. “You 
don’t have problems” they say. “Academic stress doesn’t count as depression 
though” they say. Hell, my own mother says it. My father is the only saviour in 
my life at the moment. He understands. He helps. He knows how to make me 
feel better. He assures me “It is all going to be okay”. “You don’t try hard 
enough” she says. “Marks are what count, not how much you learnt” she says. 
She is my mother. I love her to death but she isn’t doing the most important role 
of a mother when I need it the most. Her support. Her love. Her help.  
 
I have a lot in my life. Grades. Social Life. Exercise. Eating healthy. And 
supposedly “enjoying” life. I want it to stop. The stress. The torture. The pain. 
Not being able to go to sleep peacefully. Simply awaiting. For another 
“fun-filled” day. I serve no purpose in this world. I have no reason to be here. 
Why did Amma birth me? Why could I not have died in the womb? Why am I 
here now? 
 
Sometimes, death is the most beautiful thing in the world. It is like skipping in a 
huge flower meadow by myself with the sounds. Birds. Ocean waves. The 
rhythm of my slow breathing. The Universe. It is peaceful there. In death will I 
find true bliss. In death will I find true fulfillment. In death will I stop 
worrying. In death will I enjoy life. Death is the most beautiful concept in the 
world. I will be detached from humanity. I can sleep in peace. Flashbacks. A 
concept often underrated. They bring me hope. Enjoyment. Memories. 
Happiness. I want death. I need it. I don’t deserve this world. It doesn’t deserve 
me.  
 
I want to go back to when I was in kindergarten. Where life was fun. Wake up. 
Watch television. Go to school. Drink that horrendous warm lemonade. Come 
back. Watch more television. Eat dinner. Sleep. I feel more alone then ever. My 
parents don’t feel close anymore. They are there physically, not mentally. They 
are strangers that live with me.  
 
I want to run away. To a mountain. Run. Sing for the world to hear. I want to 
travel and enjoy the world around me. Not wait till I am older. I don’t want to 
impress. I don’t want to prove anything. I want to live. Let me live. For the love 
of god, let me live. Let me run into the meadows. Sing a while. Run to the 
forests. Dance there. Then kill myself. I will find my pure enjoyment then. Only 
then. I will be happy. 
 
I want it to stop. I will leave the earth with a smile plastered across my face. Of 
pure bliss. Of pure love. Of pure admiration. Of pure amusement at the true 
meaning of life. This. This my friends. Is what I deserve more than anything. 
More than I want anything.  
 
Take me away. Away. Where no one can see me. Where no one can find me. 
Where I can be with myself. And the wind. And the sun. And the sound of 
chirping birds. Please God. If you are truly up there. Let me live out this 
fantasy. Let me go!