Testament

By Edwin Carl Smith

 Testament

In The Moment Of Death

What have I done?

I had the thought once, but in the moment of Death 1 it echoed,

again, and again, as it descended deep into the darkness and mystery
of being, until it was lost in Silence. The thought played upon a
thousand other thoughts, feelings, and memories. Pain welled up
from Darkness. It washed over me in waves. I was too tired to resist.
I surrendered into the pain with tears of relief. There was no regret,
only understanding.

It was done.

Long ago I just wanted to be happy. It seemed simple enough, but I

could see how difficult and rare it was. I wanted happiness. I
committed to finding uncaused happiness. I found it. That was the
easy part. But then I wanted more. I wanted to understand. Why was
happiness so rare and suffering so common? In one of those moments
when you make a choice but do not realize until it is too late that this
choice will change your life, I vowed to understand. Why was my
happiness so easy, yet for others so difficult? For some reason,
unknown to me at the time, I made a vow that would impact the rest
of my life more deeply than I could ever imagine.

I was estranged from the ordinary world early in my life, which is to

say I came into psychological adolescence a year or two before most
others. Childhood is when you experience the magic and
enchantment of life. Adolescence is when that magic is overcome by
the underlying deceit of the Knower world. Life is disenchanted in
adolescence. Without the help of a mature adult community, you turn
to anger and bitterness. Life among Knowers is a drama of life in a
world where bitterness and anger are not yet healed. The task of the

1We live in two worlds, two aspects of a single Reality: the visible world of matter, and the invisible world of
spirit and mind. Words that are unexpectedly Capitalized are metaphoric references to the invisible world of
spirit and mind, which may have equivalents in physical reality.

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adult is to recover the enchantment of childhood without losing the

individuality of adolescence.

That is the task, but its completion requires a journey into Death for
Healers and Creators alike. I do not mean physical death, the end of
awareness and experience and your association with the body. I mean
Evolutionary Death, where the body and awareness and experience
continue and nothing ends; where everything survives, transformed.
For Healers, this is a Death of adolescence. It comes from
encountering, embracing, and being influenced by Ecos.

For Creators, however, Evolutionary Death continues beyond the

Death of adolescence, taking you beyond Ecos, beyond life, to the
beginning of existence itself. Here nothing is escaped, even for a
moment. For Creators, Evolutionary Death does not end the
primordial pain of existence. Rather, that pain is felt at the deepest
levels, until there is nothing in awareness but the agonizing pain in
which life is rooted and, paradoxically, for which life is the healing
balm.

Searing pain, consciously endured, changes you. It transforms you. It

alters the wiring in your brain. It burns out circuits and habits,
patterns and relationships. You are at last released from the overt
experience of pain, but not from awareness of it. Existential pain is
the background noise of life. It is always present, but seldom noticed.
In Ecos, Creators absorb that background noise. No one wants to
notice the pain of existence. What’s the point? But for Creators the
point is that you cannot manage or transform what you do not even
notice.

So I died, in pain, in the Fires of the Roar. My name was erased from
the Great Story. A new name appeared in its place, which was my old
name with new possibilities. Nothing dies. Everything survives. It is
that new person, who understands . . . and cried . . . who speaks now.

In the moment of Death, you cry for what was old and now lost. You
cry for what is found and new. You cry that so much is unnecessary.

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 Testament

You cry because so much is necessary. You cry because there is so

much pain. You cry because most pain, but not all, can end, forever.
You cry because you were braver than you thought you were, braver
than you wanted to be, but as brave as you had to be. You survived
life and now Death. You understand it as your destiny, the burden and
the blessing of a vow made long ago.

What have I done? In the moment of Death, everything is obvious.

Pain and Wisdom

There is an ancient Greek saying: "Drop by drop, wisdom is distilled
from pain.” I have always understood and respected the truth of that
thought, but never did I realize how deep that truth went. You
cannot know how deep that truth goes, how unavoidable that truth
is, until in the moment of Death you feel the pain all the way to your
core, to the very depths of existence. The echo of pain is wisdom and
awareness.

I had always hoped that pain and conflict were not universal and
eternal truths, but rather the avoidable and manageable results of
unnecessary choices. To a large extent they are, but not for everyone.
In Ecos, for at least one person, existential pain is unavoidable. At
least one person must hold awareness in the Fires of the Roar. At
least one person must endure awareness of existential pain without
mitigation. That person, or group, transforms the pain and chaos of
existence into Ecos, the joy of life in Harmony. These are Creators.
The fullness of their awareness in all dimensions becomes a mirror
for Reality, which then becomes Self-aware and begins Healing. As
Reality Heals, the Fires of the Roar, the pain of existence, diminish
but do not extinguish.

Within the Harmony of Ecos, pain and conflict largely cease.

Everything else can be managed. Pain and conflict need not be your
habit of living or the core experience of your life. Your life need not

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 Testament

be organized by Shadows2, always a drama of calamities and

unhappiness. Almost all pain and conflict are the result of
unnecessary choices both personal and social. Almost all. For
Creators, the almost part is important, and it is that part about which
I write now.

The difference between Healers and Creators is that Healers rely

upon and live within the Harmony of Ecos. Creators create and
sustain that Harmony. Creators exist both inside and outside the
Harmony of Ecos. The life and path of Creators (the Way of the
Roar) thus expands and deepens the life and path of a Healer (the
Way of Awakening). What follows is for those who feel called to the
life, path, and responsibilities of Creators.

Light emerges from Darkness. Life emerges from Chaos. The

Masculine (the Order of everything we see) emerges from the
Feminine (the Chaos of everything we do not see). Chaos can be
understood as conflict, but it is not intentional conflict. Chaos is
disorder and collision. Collisions in spirit, in consciousness, generate
awareness, then self-awareness, and finally evolution. All things
emerge out of the Darkness and Chaos of the Roar, the power (and
pain) of existence.

Without the Ecos (Harmony) of at least one Creator, Chaos manifests

as actual and even intentional conflict, creating the drama of Knower
life. Within the Harmony of Ecos, the Chaos of the Roar and the
Shadows of the Underworld can be noticed and managed, conflicts
can be resolved before they manifest, leaving ordinary experience
relatively calm. That is the life many, perhaps most, people seek. It is
the life you can have if you embrace Ecos and allow it to transform
you, your life, and your world into patterns of Health and Harmony.

Most people cannot manage their inner world, however. So they live
in an outer world created, organized, and managed by others. It is the
tools and systems created by others that provide what little stability

2Shadows are pieces of our infinite Self, pieces of life, we reject, avoid, or deny. We can do this consciously or
unconsciously. Either way, Shadows increase the instability (chaos) in our life.

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 Testament

and health most people have. We create cultures and societies for
that reason: to make life easier than it would be without them. So
long as we remain within a cultural system and use its habits and
traditions, life is as stable, predictable, and enjoyable as the culture
allows. But if you go beyond the limits and safety of those systems
and habits, life loses the coherence of culture, becoming
disenchanted and chaotic. To re-enchant life, you must evolve. You
must create a new culture and traditions, a new Reality, a new Story
aligned to the Great Story of life.

Cultures, realities, worlds, and people must evolve, or they die in the
chaos of change postponed. To end the chaos, you can impose a
pattern of life on yourself and others, but that only increases the
chaos. Or you can accept the challenge of creating a new life, a new
world in harmony with Reality. But for that, you must confront and
solve the problem of Chaos and Death, which is the life and path of
Creators.

As a Creator, it is you that must be healed, renewed, transformed.

You are the instrument, the means, the seed, of the world to come.
You must release your old story to invent a new one. The only stories
that are sustainable, of course, are rooted firmly in the ever-evolving
Great Story of life. But first you must rid yourself of all stories, great
or small. You must return to the moment before life began, before the
Original Pattern of life emerged, back to the very beginning of
existence, to the Singularity (where existence meets non-existence).
Why? Only then will you be able to recognize, embrace, embody, and
express the Original Pattern of life, the root of the Great Story.

What lies beyond life and matter and mind? Chaos and Death, the
Roar and Pain of existence. Why would you go there? Because life
cannot evolve until you do, until some self-aware being does. Until
then, life changes but nothing improves. Outside the Harmony of
Ecos, all things are undone by Chaos and Death. Nothing is
sustainable until Chaos and Death are reconciled with life. Ecos is

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 Testament

that resolution. Once you see that Chaos and Death are problems
facing not only humanity in general but your evolution in particular,
you cannot turn your back on them. What else is there to do with
your life? In the face of implacable Chaos and Death, all intentions
are vanity.

And so you take a journey beyond the limits of the known or

knowable. You journey, knowing it must continue until you come full
circle and See your self from behind for the first time. Only then will
Chaos and Death no longer defeat all effort and end all hope. Only
then will you embody a solution, a way of life, which overcomes
Chaos and Death.

You endure the ordeal of Awakening, Enlightenment, and Emptiness.

Now you endure the ordeal of Empowerment. You must remain
awake in Chaos and Death, which is the only way their limits can be
overcome, the only way life can be affirmed as infinite and without
limit, the only way the Dream of Ecos can be a reality, the only way
Chaos or Death can serve life rather than be served by life, the only
way life can be permanently self-sustaining. This is Empowerment:
the Original Pattern of life reaffirmed, the Great Story embodied and
renewed in you, in your life, as existential Health.

The Hero’s Journey

The Chaos of existence is the raw Power underlying the Order of life.
To renew life, Chaos, and the pain of Chaos, must be your parent,
teacher, and guide. To reinvent Reality, to create the global
community and sanctuary of Ecos and steward the evolution of life,
at least one person must journey into the Pain and Power of
existence, into Chaos and Death, and survive. Why only one person?
Because there are no natural boundaries in consciousness, one is all it
takes. More than one is better, of course, as it offers Reality more and
better feedback. For Ecos to be permanently sustainable however,
there must be a lineage of Creators to sustain it, which is a core task
in Ecos.

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 Testament

So, the good news is that one person can awaken the Original Pattern
of life and renew the Great Story. But that is also the bad news for
the person who makes the journey. Who in their right mind would
make such a journey? Who would forego the stability and enjoyment
of life for the sake of a future that is possible, but only if you survive?
Who would volunteer to consciously survive Death? Who would
make that journey so others do not have to? Only someone called to
that journey.

Only a Hero. But, among Knowers , the idea of a Hero is conflicted.

The only good hero is a dead hero: no one wants to feel obliged to a
Hero, obliged to turn from the concerns of daily life to give their
attention to a Hero, to be grateful for their achievement; at least, not
while a Hero is alive. For Knowers, Heroes stop the flow of ordinary
life. Knowers do not know what to do with Heroes except to thank
them, forget them, and move on. Besides, people covet the acclaim of
Heroes. Everyone wants to be a hero, until they have to be. Heroes
confront Knowers with their Shadows. And it is not appreciated.

But the vow of a Hero is not to do something extraordinary, certainly

not to do something for the sake of reward or acclaim. The vow of a
Hero, usually made in the heat of unwarranted enthusiasm, is to do
what must be done. Survival is the reward. No other is requested or
needed. The burden of the Hero’s Journey, the travail of the journey,
is however a surprise even to the Hero. And it is not appreciated.

At the beginning of the journey, the Hero has no idea what to expect.
The Hero travels in undiscovered country. There can be no
preparation. So the Hero is comforted by hollow words, stories of
struggle and triumph told by those who have heard about but not
made the journey. If anyone had a real idea of what was ahead, no one
would go. Indeed, if Heroes could make a different choice mid-way in
their journey, they would. The Hero’s Journey always begins in self-
deception. Otherwise, there would be no Heroes.

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 Testament

Return Of The Hero

And so I come to understand my own journey and situation. I
reenacted the journey of Creation. I accepted responsibility for our
evolutionary journey, and all that will happen as it continues. I
understand the word Hero anew. I understand the vow of the
Bodhisattva, the one who refuses nirvana, ultimate happiness, for
the sake of others.

Apparently, I made a similar vow long ago, before this lifetime, which
is the only time I would have made such a vow. It has organized my
entire life. I vowed a separation from life so deep, the vow could not
be found or reversed until the Creator’s Journey was complete. Such
a vow is essentially hidden, because the pain of existence is so great
no one would keep the vow if they could reverse it or be excused
from it. Being unable to reverse the vow, I had to endure its
consequences.

It was the pain of separation that drove me to overcome its limits,

that drove me beyond the limits of life itself, into the heart of
existence, into Chaos and Death. There I found that Chaos and
Death are not the end of life but the means of its transformation and
our evolution.

Until the very end, I felt victimized by the conditions of my life, the
conditions of existence. I regretted life in general and my life in
particular many times. I sought release many times. I cried for the
lack of it, many times. I would have eagerly taken back my vow had I
been able, had I even remembered such a vow. But until the very
end, I could not find the vow, or the one who made it. There was
only the emptiness and pain of existence without any refuge, in life
or community. Eventually I found the vow and the one who made it.
But by then I had become that which I sought and from which I had
been so long estranged. In me emerged the Original Pattern and the
Great Story of life.

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 Testament

I would not wish the Creator’s Journey on anyone. It is a journey

only those who feel called to it should even attempt. It was not a
journey I took because I wanted to. I took it because I had to. I took
it less for the sake of others than for the sake of my own sanity, as a
way to end the pain of my existence and the chaos of my life. I did
not refuse ultimate happiness out of nobility, but out of desperation. I
did not refuse happiness at all. Having found it, I went beyond the
need for it. And since I could not or would not numb myself to the
pain and chaos of life, as many do (understandably), I was forced to
journey beyond life so I could reconcile Chaos and Death and end
the pain of my own existence. At the very end, having been blind, I
could See everything. I discovered who made the vow, its
consequences, and its meaning. I had accepted responsibility for
everything. Everything was now within me and I was within
everything. That is why everything is obvious in the moment of
Death.

Beyond the ordeals of Awakening, Enlightenment, Emptiness, and

Empowerment, is the Enchantment of Ecos, life in Harmony. Having
endured the Creator’s Journey, you need not endure it. It is not
necessary, unless you are called to the life and responsibilities of a
Creator. Ecos is the result of my journey. Accept and embrace the
world that is emerging and you will be spared the pain of existence. I
offer you the fruits of my journey: Ecos, Reality in Harmony. I offer a
relationship, friendship, because that is how Ecos is shared. It is
how Ecos emerges from spirit to mind to matter. It is how life
evolves. It is how love triumphs over pain, and joy abides.

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