1-Honesty:

Know yourself and Show your true self to others:

When we lie we subject our body to stress (increase in sweating, heart rate, musle tension and
blood pressure). Our brains tells the truth by default we are programmed to be sincere.

’To know yourself’ said the psychologist Sydney Jourard said in his book the transparent self ‘Is
the sine qua non of mental health’, but we can hardly know ourselves in isolation: we must let
ourselves first be known by someone without hiding. Fear and depression are just ways to hide
ourselves, as soon as we start to be transparent we feel better.

Eccentrics were longer lived and happier than average because they are not subject to stress of
having to conform to others expectations, their immune system is stronger.

Be vulnerable and show your beauty!

Say No with intelligence: (sometimes in order to be kind you have to look first after yourself)

Fake kindness Vs true(Genuine) kindness

 False kindness:

1. Fake interactions and emotions

2. Forced decisions even in big events

3. Free use of your time and personal space by others

Genuine kindness

1-Respects your integrity

2-Acknowledges others’ capacity to be competent and mature

Recognize a problem rather than pretending it’s not there, and FACE IT!

Honesty is a conquest we have to learn it gradually

2-Harmlessness:

Think of all the ways people can make others’ lives miserable!

At first harmlessness seems to be a boring quality.

It is an active and strong quality: It calls for awareness, self control, intelligence and good will.

Because it requires self mastery and because cultivating it is not easy.

What is my primary attitude towards others (comparison, competition, judgment criticism,

sarcasm, remoteness, indifference, fear? Or support, friendliness, collaboration? This attitude
colors our elationships wth everybody.Not a bad idea to ake a ok at it, in this way we will go far
toward understanding ourselves!

All this generates a formidable inner strength more satisfactory and efficacious than the
exterior strength of money, competition, fault finding and intimidation

Not harming is the highest law,Ghandi: non violence is the basis of any relationship. A lesser evil
is still an evil, acceptance of a lesser evil is a dangerous compromise that slides into the
acceptance of all evil

Would you use torture in order to elicit precious information and save lives?

Be conscious…recognize the consequence of your acts

Harmlessness it has also to do with our mysterious capacity to make other people feel better

Consider your thoughts and words:

Verbal abuse (engraved in the brain) A recent study of young people found that those who
were victims of verbal abuse (and no other form of abuse) were more prone to depression,
anxiety, substance abuse and for being bullies!

Sociologists…gossip (sense of belonging), Labeling critisim, bad judgment leads to thinking bad
about others. Our relationship with a person is governed by the image we create for them

Pygmalion effect: our thoughts not only qualify how we perceive people, but they end up
influencing those people themselves and even shaping their lives

We are prisoners of our own negativity and it damages ourselves and others!

Our physical, emotional, imaginative, mental being has an effect upon others. Our inner world
makes our relationships
A hostile attitude is incompatible with any form of spiritual path.

Values aren’t separable they support one another…if we give up ethical living, if we forget
about cultivating our harmlessness we cannot hope to be serene and happy

3-Warmth

Warmth is the potential for all emotion and makes life itself possible. It is the prerequisite for
transformation. Babies do not get physical and psychological warmth they die and if they do
not get enough of it they do not thrive they grow up to become fearful, neurotic, aggressive
and possibly criminals.

A commodity!!On a huge billboard, a hot vegetable soup (that’s amore)

When there is real warmth, no one is the same as everyone else. We all should be loved for
who we are but when warmth decreases we are all the same.

Whoever is close is intimate and warm, and whoever is remote is inaccessible and cold. It is not
only physical but psychological and spiritual too. It is the capacity to enter and to let enter.

A study on 10 000 men (does our wife show you love?)..negative results..angina pectoris.

If we give warmth we do not end up feeling cold. The benefit is symmetrical

We can bring in the lives of the people near to us vital changes, and we too we do not remain
unchanged!

When a person felt coldness and finds warmth it allows him to know things about himself.
Knowledge pf the heart gives us the chance to know others. You friend knows your friend needs
you 

Sometimes it is okay to be cold to see the world around us without the screen of emotions and
preferences!
4-Forgiveness:

Make peace with the past you don’t wanna feed your anger, don’t fear what is gonna
happen to the one who harmed you. It is not an act of self-righteousness to affirm my
moral superiority.

We feel vulnerable because our identity is attached to the wrong we have received we
feel that we forgive we lose our identity and thus feel secure

It is a positive quality. It contains joy and faith in others, generosity of spirit. It free us
from

Psychotherapist: Sometimes forgiveness is the only remedy for those who suffered
grave wrongs

If you cant forgive for example your ex husband you wont be able to deal with men…

Emotions affect our thoughts which affects our body.

High and low forgivers experiment (High,,,,low stress, depression and anxiety levels)

Before forgiving acknowledge the injustice, as long as we don’t face our anger it will
remain, and kindness would have no room in us.

It is no accident that the cerebral activities of forgiveness and of empathy takes place in
the same area of the brain…be more empathetic, humble and less judgmental and put
yourself in the shoes of the one who harmed you….radical transformation of your
personality.

Being able to forgive and being able to say sorry are two sides of the same coin-both
require the same humility and flexibility

You see everything from a distance and with a certain detachment you will see it with
another point.

Ask for forgiveness!

Connect with your true happy part

5- Contact

Love yourself,!! The reason why we don’t open up is because we feel inferior and other
people appear to us as better and more intelligent or we feel superior and we think it is
a waste of time

It’s a talent…(Capacity,,know the right way to engage and break the ice..Take advantage
of each opportunity..Each person is a window to a new world)

We often use some reassuring props because we feel naked, exposed! We protect
ourselves with roles, masks and props which reduce the quality of contact..be REAL

Extreme situations..pain opens us..it does away with all that Is inessential or superficial.
An empty new space allow real contact

A study showed that contact has a determining effect on health. Lack of contact related
to shorter life expectancy and more illness

Without contact people are like robots..Contact is an open door for kindness

And we influence others far more than we think and they know. By changing others’
state of mind we propagate ourselves in countless ways.

Right in the midst of everyday life we are given the chance to touch the lives of others
and thus change the world
6-Sense of belonging:

Who am I?It is impossible to know who we are without some reference to other, A
sense of belonging is a basic need like food, water, or a roof over our heads.

The little rituals revitalize the sense of being a part of a community, they comfort and
reassure us

There are things which make everyday life perhaps mother and more practical but
colder

We live in era of individualism, the individual is celebrated in every form (How we judge
and value others)

Individuality is certainly at the base of an extraordinary period of progress, but our egos
inflated and w ehave neglected our community, our feeling part of our human
environment in harmony with us.

When we feel isolated we will seek some affiliation at all costs, even with groups that
are violent or extremist

The person who is at risk includes confusion of identity, alienation from the family, eak
links with the community,

Sense of belonging..shouldnt be dependent on local and religious ties only, you should
feel something in common wherever you go (to feel part of a even larger group)

If instead I look at you knowing we both belong to the human race, but ith different
experiences but a common destiny,,I will feel openness, solidarity, empathy toward you
7-Trust

Each time we trust we put ourselves on the line, but if we don’t, nothing will happen

Kindness is trusting and being ready to risk

Trust in the human nature..babies trusting their mothers.

Muhamad Yunus..Founder of Grameen bank in Bangladesh.With his faith he has helped thousans of
people emerge from poverty and rise the dignity of independent means, the repayment of his loans is
99% higher by the repayment of rich clients in other banks

Trust,,,resolving of past traumas, The fears, doubts we carry not only block our actions, they erode our
energy

The gift of trust is a statement of relationships..it empowers the other person and expand his
possibilities.It creates intimacy..

Which relationship in your life has nourished you and why?Almost all the ases..It was a relationship
where they felt trusted

We have to accept insecurity as part of our lives

A recent study showed that high trusters are not native it is a matter of intelligence who is trustworthy
and who is not

At the midst of trust we find surrender , the ability to let go has profound and revolutionary effect on
us..We realize we cannot control everything\
8-Mindfulness

The past is already lost and the future is a fairytale only the present is here

A mindful life is the path to liberation but just a little bit of attention can carry us along the way

Lucky people were luck because of personal characteristics..more relaxed, they don’t let a happy
opportunity pass…they don’t live in fantasies.

We meet someone and we anticipate who he is and what is gonna be!

Put into brackets your ideas and meet the present moment without preconceived notions (what you see
and what you hear,,,It’s all what it is!

If we are in the present we totally available without judgment or advice,,see the person infront of us,,in
fact it is the only way we can enter into relation with another

MORAL QUALITY!

The failure of attention can endanger the life of others

Pay attention..For instance (you look pale, sad, you bought a new dress…) Chances are I am in touch
with my feelings with that person

Lack of attention is the greatest form of rudeness

Negligence is regarded as abuse when it reaches unacceptable levels

No attention, no kindness. And also, no warmth, no intimacy and no relationship!

9-Empathy

If you are insensitive to the emotions of others, each relation becomes an impossible charade!

Step out of yourself and enter the life of others! Relationships then become a source of interest, of
emotional and spiritual nourishment

People who are more concerned with themselves are more likely to feel fearful and unhappy,,It is
related to higher levels of depression and anxiety..more satisfied in life, less dogmatic and more creative

Intention to see things from others’ point of view…can help resolve age old problems and racial
prejudices!

Training in empathy is one of the most urgent needs in our educational programs at all levels! (If
germans learned to enjoy jewish muscic like german ones, the holocaust wouldn’t happen!)

The willingness to identify with another for the sake of understanding him is seen by sme as a weakness.
The moment someone finds that he is understood he changes!

Empathy is a means to bring contentment and relief to another person’s life .

Suffering individuals do not need diagnoses, advice, interpretations, and manipulations. They need
genuine and total empathy. They can let go of their suffering and heal!

Oblivious empathy is a danger..We must meet our needs and make sure our life is under control before
we try to help someone else. Otherwise we are in for an accident! You should have first a healthy
relationship with your own and others’ sufferings.

Empathy is an ingredient of emotional intelligence. It means doing better at school, finding a job, having
better relationships!

True test…JOY at others’ success

Empathy isn’t a cheerful quality it has more to do with suffering. It is exactly when things are going badly
that empathy is needed

Accept the suffering…enter into your pain like a tunnel and get out of the other side. Sometimes
suffering is the only way to learn to be more empathetic..It makes you grow more mature, discover
emotions you weren’t aware of. You have more humility and kindness!

The highest level of empathy is compassion, it is a spiritual quality as it brings us out of our selfishness
and greed. It includes everyone even the least able, the least pleasant and the least intelligent. It opens
and unite us, it fills our hearts.
10-Humility

Recognize your strengths. Accept your weaknesses, don’t live in illusions..This is pure humility and it is a
great strength

Beginners, are willing to learn and take risks, They’re not assuming they know everything and sure of
it..even in relationships.

If you wanna be at ur best at learning, humility is your tool. We all prefer the prestige of a teacher than
the humility of a student! Being humble you work harder and prepare yourself better

Study..A student who overestimates his knowledge would fail the exam

Esp after a failure we learn to be humble..we recognize our humanness

Acknowledging that we have weaknesses shouldn’t build insecurities inside us. Some people work very
hard to prove they are better to mask their fears.

We have to admit that some people are better and it is okay.

Study..more competitive the less efficient and receptive to learning

Some important roles give us fictitious strength to hide our weaknesses

Put aside your public image and start from scratch and work on who you really are!

Someone who shows how clever he is cannot be kind and think he is better than everyone else. A
humble person would ensure that everybody wins

Our belief that we are unique and special is a remnant from childhood. Humility is the death of this
conviction.To realize we are not as important as we thought can be painful, but it is also liberating!

Give attention to the people around you. You are not the center of the universe, put aside your ego.
Think about how can you benefit others! Accept you are imperfect in an imperfect world, you affect
others and you need others!

In the age of hurry we don’t have even the time to savor what life gives us we seek new product and
stimuli and we never think it is enough! To see someone happy with almost nothing is a huge relief
11-Patience

The virtue of patience is dealing with difficult people

Patience is understanding your own rhythms and those of others

Patience let us understand profound aspects of other people’s lives, rhythms and weaknesses

Caught up in urgency we forget what is important in life..we leave our souls behind. Kindness has a slow
pace! (Power and control)

Speed stimulates adrenalin and acts like a drug!

In order to have patience we have to make time!

if urgency arises …I-IT relationships..we transform the other into a means of satisfying our demands,

If we slow down we are more likely to know each other

We are under pressure..we cannot afford even waste a second.

A study…(High paced cultures and TYPE A personalities ..impatient, competitive and irritable) suffer
more from cardiovascular diseases.Also the more we hurry the less we are likely to help!

We are kinder when we have more time

Studies showed that those who postpone gratification have greater chance of success in their ventures
and their relations to others and more control over their lives

Perhaps we would discover that time is a mental construct. That there is no need to be afraid or to be In
hurry because nothing is ruuning away from us

Patience is the ability to face without fear the incessant of time

If we can ever be free of the need to get there first, do more, earn more, then other people will no
longer appear as obstacles to our urgency
12-Generosity

The true benefit of generosity, for the giver isn’t a material advantage but an inner revolution..we put
less store in possession and more in people

He was learning that to give is an irreversible act of commitment. You can’t go back once you have
leaped into the void

Why is it so difficult to give? We fear permanent loss! To be generous means to conquer these fears and
redefine our boundaries. For the generous, borders are permeable. What is yours, your sufferings, your
problems is also mine (Compassion)

Generosity loosens our grip on our possession and allows us to let go (Self importance changes)

We don’t impose our generosity on others, because we think we know what’s best for them! Generosity
is never about judgment and embarrassing others!

True generosity is guided by awareness. It gives people what they really need! Giving that is not dictated
by a sense of guilt or wanting to create a dependence!

Generosity is not about material possessions only it is about spiritual qualities, our mental power
(thoughts), possibilities, work, sharing the best of our inner self!

Sometimes we don’t share out of laziness and fake modesty!

Generosity is correlated with self esteem. Those who have high self esteem they tend to be more
generous and they gain an increase in their self esteem as well. Happier people are more generous and
become more happy

A documented fact that poorer people, proportionally to their income, give more to charity than richer
people. It seems that having little money keeps more in touch with the values that count or it helps
them understand the discomfort of lacking what is vital.

Generosity is to give which is dearest to us. It is an act that transforms us. After it, we will be poorer,
but we will feel richer and freer.
13-Respect

The way we treat other is never neutral, for we transform what we see. Pygmalion effect..if I change my
perception of a person he will change

Our attention brings energy, and our lack of attention takes it away. ‘Silent treatment’ the victim is
treated as if he doesn’t exist

Soul wound A soul that has a potential of love and intelligence …..if the true self is not seen, we are hurt
and this wound will accompany us into adulthood. In order to be accepted we will cut our ties with our
own true soul, we will try to be what others want us to be.

When we give attention to the qualities of other people, we also change as we are the product of our
everyday perceptions. We are the product of what we see!

Appreciating others will make us feel better!

Respect is not possible without a hearing ear esp when you have silenced the inner voice inside you.
Listening forces us to slow our pace, to consider because true understanding requires pause and
commitment.

I don’t remember what you said but I remember how you said it. It is not boring if we really listen
everyone has something interesting to say

Respect (For conflict resolution)..Full acknowledgment of oneself and others’ demand

Respect..no judgemnts, give a space for others,

Judging costs nothing it is quick and easy. It gives us a sense of superiority, judgement is linked to the
desire to control. At some time we shape others the way we want them to be

Tolerance is a great virtue. Without it there is no chance for change or growth. But there is a time for
tolerance and a time for zero tolerance

Withou space kindness is suffocated with space it lives and breathes this Is respect
14-Flexibility

The only way to survive consists in the art of adapting to events that continually take us by surprise.

It takes wisdom which comes from understanding that not everything can be under our control

The work of psychotherapy can be defined as the recovery or the learning of flexibility we help people
who are facing today’s situation with yesterday’s strategy

Face the reality because it proceeds of its own without considering our hopes and desires.

It is a spiritual quality, it implies freedom from attachments, wakefulness in the present and acceptance
of what is

CREATVITY: this attitude becomes a way of life. We are able to let go of old models and we become
humble enough to start all over again

Research: children who most easily accept the frustration turn out to be the strongest

Because flexible people accept what is, they are easier to be with (desires and demands are the arena
which a relationship is put to the test)

Many people are afraid of intimacy they put a barrier made of continuous demands and impositions!

Anything that might conflict with our fixed idea of a person will annoy us ,w e expect those around us to
continue being what they were

Give the people you love the freedom to be what they want to be

Flexibility let you accept and adapt without getting depressed or angry

The problem is our culture prizes self affirmation and views yielding as a weakness and a defeat

Those who always wanna look the strongest at all costs are usually the weakest!

The nicest aspect of being flexible and the one that has most to do with kindness is availability

People who wanna look always unavailable they think they are more important
15-Memory:

To our narcissistic minds people only exist only when we see them, touch the, hear the or at least think
about them. We forget the people we are no longer interested in or can do us good

‘Consumerism’we are always looking for new products and getting rid of the old ones

The essence of memory is not the storage of information but in the emotions we hold, in the meaning
we give to our recollections and preserve our souls. Through my memories I build my life and my
identity.

When we know who we are it is easier to know where we wanna go

It is the means through which I remember people around me (To ignore and forget someone is invisible
violence as it pushes the other person into realm and loneliness) It is devastatating a

Another way of remembrance is to think of everybody as equally important and valuable. The act of
remembrance make others feel worthwhile

Remembering is important for the person who does it, as with our fast lifestyle we lose the sense of who
we really are…we act upon things in our subconscious without having the time to reflect on our
memories

Be aware of how your past is affecting you…is it repeating itself?

Make peace with your past as it is affecting the way you deal with other people

We cannot be kind if we forget those who are no longer useful to us

16-Loyalty

It is the foundation of relationships. The ones that exist only for someone’s advantage have fragile
foundation and last only as long their originating motive survives

What counts is the good feeling that comes from giving presence, support and friendship

The capacity to last even in difficult and uncomfortable moments is an essential ingredient of kindness.
(LOYALTY)

(substance) Those who know what they want and are fully in contact with their feelings and memories,
and didn’t accept blindly their ideas and principles have the strength to be loyal on the contrary those
who don’t recognize the value they have inside them they are terrified to look into their feelings, their
self esteem is too low and have been hurt they prefer to lie superficially

These people easily change their minds with fashion and circumstances. Their relationships are short
lived because they are based mainly on private gain (opportunistic)

It is not good VS bad, it is strong VS weak!

Brand loyalty?? Desperate need to trust someone or something. To love and be loved to gain stability,
protection, belonging, meaning

Age of distraction: we are always invited to think something other thn what we are thinking (I couldn’t
care less what you’re doing!

Loyalty is the opposite of distraction..it is being with it consists in keepin the thread without allowing
distractions to guide us

Loyalty is never guaranteed, It is for this reason when found it is precious

Mother-child….Friendship

To hold a friend in the heart without judgment and demand! Friendship heals and regenerates

Study..on depressed women that one loyal friend is more important than therapy sessions

Reliability: being faithful to your own feelings,,we feel a fundamental ontegrity that gives us a sense of
well being

Maybe disloyal gain immediate advantages but sooner or later they feel fraganted nd guilty. Taking
advantage of someone it is more harmful for the disloyal person

When you are disloyal to someone you make them lose faith and hope

In loyality we see the person’s true color

Sometime we see loyalty straightaway, in the beauty of a face, in an attitude or a word.

Loyalty gives substance and strength to kindness. In a world so often distracted and careless this is a
priceless value.

17-Gratitude:

It is an attitude of the mind based on recognizing the value of what life offers us that which before it had
no value and that frees our emotions

Psychologist: Depression is not a result of what happens to us but by what we tell ourselves..our inner
monologue. If we continually criticize ourselves and others, find only what is wrong, and feel sorry for
ourselves, we will surely be unhappy

Open up, put your pride aside in order to recognize that our happiness depends on someone else

To be grateful is to let ourselves be known, show yourself as who you are..no defenses

Gratitude by definition is antiheroic. It does not depend on courage or strength.it is based on our
incompleteness

True gratitude is born only where solidarity and the awareness of evil are present..otherwise it is
consumerism and false and superficial optimism..sometimes it is the dramas of life that open us to
gratitude

Pyschotherapy…Whenever one of my clients feels gratitude, I know she is healed. For me it is the single
most certain criterion for knowing how well a person is.

Don’t overestimate or underestimate yourself..gratitude is a realistic view of what we are

People who do not know how to receive and do not feel thankful for what they have been given are in
trouble when they try to be kind

Bit by bit, I realize all I have has come to me from others

Wrong culture: set your boundaries, you owe nothing to anyone!

We are more like cells with permeable membranes living by continuous exchange;

Gratitude is warmth, openness, intimacy. Life becomes much easier

18-Service:

The base of kindness is service. Happily it can be in the tiniest things

There are infinite ways to give service

You need to know a size small service can yield results extra large

Service is not sacrifice. It is advantageous to those who do it

Interested kindness is better than disinterested rudeness

Those who pretend to be kind find s many advantages in this attitude they often end up being kind for
real

Don’t wait for a return. A spontaneous gift has become an item in a budget: Its original beauty has
suddenly vanished. You don’t mention what good you did because you are probably busy doing more
good

Transforming service which in essence is the forgetting of self into an opportunity for showing how
clever we are. Placing ourelves at the center and making gratitude a duty!

Homes are like people and service is not just what you do but what you are. We transmit what we are
aad we are what we have worked to become

1-JUST LOOK

2-Discovering and developing abilities and knowledge

3-communnicate with kindness

Service helps us to purify our own motivation become disinterested and therefore freer…

In service you find value, your self esteem grow, you enter into a relation with another human being.
And if inevitably he meets frustration, failure or ingratitude, his motivation is ut to the test and he has
the possibility of emerging stronger for it

Service brings the best of us

It frees us from the prison of our ego. We are usually shut in with everything that makes us hope and
suffer: the prison of our ego. Then we find a key to get out: looking after other, being interested in their
predicaments, making contact and that is the key to our own freedom

One of the difficulties is to think we have no effect in all the evil in the world!
19- JOY

Spiritual congestion!! It does us good to radiate to other. All good things must be circulated not stored

True kindness is given happily, You cannot be kind unless at least you are a little cheerful

Do you prefer be helped by someone who is sacrificing themselves or by someone who is happy doing
it?

An akin to happiness is HUMOR. A capacity to see the contradictions and absurdities of our life and not
take ourselves too seriously

Joy comes because our life has meaning even if there is effort and frustration

2 steps to be optimistic

1--- Analyze yourself ( we are perfectionists so we are always feeling guilty..being conscious of this self
sabotage is often enough to loosen the grip of these destructive attitudes

We fear being happy…we feel unworthy.with all the pain in the world how dare we be happy?

We are afraid of envy..we will afraid that joy won’t last

2---Ask what do make you happy??

If we seek joy we would be much more positive and open to others, we will be on their side

--

Egoism and altruism need not to be in opposition, We can truly be useful to others if we follow that
which enriches and inspires us. First of all we have to find out what gives us joy then it will be more
likely all will go well

What is essential is the transparency of intentions..Whoever succeeds in being kind without ulterior
motives is more likely to feel joy