Prologue

40 years ago Commented [ST1]: Since we’re talking about two different
worlds in this story, perhaps we could say “40 years ago in
____” that way readers will know immediately which
The fear in the courtyard was palpable as a young man ran across it, his eyes darting from world/nation we’re talking about.
Commented [ST2]: I love how we jump right into the
side to side. All about him, the students bunched together, shoving and jostling their way to the action.

doors with wide eyes, and he had to swallow his desire to run with them. The library was

oppressively quiet as he made his way to the double doors of the Headmaster’s office.

“They’ve breached the main gate,” he said as he threw open the gilded doors. “We’ve

little time before they completely overrun us.”

The Headmaster’s greying brows furrowed at the report. “And the students?” The Commented [ST3]: I moved this up because it felt like the
headmaster should furrow his brows at the report before he
asks for more clarification.
Headmaster’s greying brows furrowed at the report.

The first man shook his head slightly. “They had us surrounded before we could even

sound the alarm, much less wake the students. We simply are not designed to withstand an

attack.”

“We never had cause to expect one.” The older man nodded gravely. “Very well,

Captain.”

“Jack. There’s no need for formalities now, sir.” With that, the captain stuck out his hand,

a valiant attempt at a grin that didn’t quite reach his eyes forming across his lips that didn’t quite

reach his eyes.

“Ben. And it’s been a privilege,” came the response the headmaster responded as he took
the captain’s hand without hesitation.
Commented [ST4]: Since we’re in third person and are
treating each character as the main subject, it felt unnatural
to say that the headmaster’s response “came” as if someone
else is the main subject when right after that we’re talking
about him taking the captain’s hand as if he is the main
subject.

-1-
 A loud thudding from just outside the library snapped them both out of the small
moment. Ben picked up a small bag and strode quickly to the bookcase behind his desk, pulling
on one of the books to reveal a secret passageway hidden behind it. There was a young boy in it,
certainly no older than twelve.
“Now, you know where to go, don’t you?” The headmaster’s voice was gentle and urgent
at the same time.
The boy’s eyes were widewidened, and he nodded jerkily. “The next village over, sir.
And then to the one after that when I can.”
“Right you are, lad. Be careful, be quiet, and above all…”
“Above all, be brave,” the boy and the man said together. A soft grin formed. “That’s it.
Now take this with you, and good luck.” With that final admonition and the knapsack in hand,
the boy’s shoulders straightened, and with a set jaw, he descended into the passageway as it
closed behind him.
The bookshelf had barely swung shut when a loud boom came from the office doors.
Headmaster and Captain shared a single nod and a gaze with a hint of hope before the doors
burst open. Armored knights swept into the room, pulling the stench of smoke and death with
them, and behind them came a tall, well-built figure draped in an emerald robe, pulling the
stench of smoke and death with them.
“Ah, Benjamin. It’s been a long time, old friend,” the newcomer said in a sickly smooth
baritone. “You’re looking a little worse for wear than the last time I saw you.”
“Perhaps I have simply lived more in these last years than you, Aidan,” the Hheadmaster
returned, unflustered.
-2-
Commented [ST5]: It isn’t entirely clear that the boy is the
cause of the thudding. This makes it sound like the thudding
came from something else related to the attack that just
spurred the headmaster and captain into action. Perhaps we
could clarify by saying something like, “Ben picked up a
small bag and strode quickly to the bookcase behind his
desk, where the thudding had originated from, pulling on one
of the books to reveal…”
Commented [ST6]: I changed this because using a verb
makes the sentence stronger. However, if having wide eyes
is supposed to be just a trait rather than a reaction, we can
keep it as “were wide.”
Commented [ST7]: Does the headmaster repeat “above all”
or do the boy and the headmaster just begin speaking
together at “above all”? If they just begin speaking together
there, I would suggest getting rid of “above all” in the above
dialogue. However, if the headmaster repeats “above all,”
it’s perfectly fine as-is since rereading it makes it feel like
they resaid it.
Commented [ST8]: The armored knights and the figure in
the emerald robe are subjects of two different sentences
connected by and. Because of this, using them to reference
the “well-built figure” felt off. If the phrase “pulling the
stench of smoke and death with them” is meant to refer to
the group of knights and the robed figure, we might have to
rework the sentence a little. However, we could move that
last phrase like this, which lets them reference the knights,
not the figure. I think it has the same effect, and it puts the
emphasis on the robed figure.
 “That’s King Aidan to you, old man.,” tThe correction was terse, and for a moment the

sickly sweetness dropped.

“Riiiiiight. We had totally forgotten! Almost as though you haven’t announced the that

fact every five minutes since your coronation!” Jack scoffed. He quickly quieted, resisting the

urge to step back as the king’s malevolent gaze swung to him.

“This would be Jack, I assume?” Aidan directed his question to the Hheadmaster, though

his eyebrow raised in disdain as he looked at Jack.

“Well, you know what they say about assuming, your majesticalness – —it makes an—”

“That’s quite enough, thank you, Jack,” the king commanded with an icy edge to his

voice, cutting across the Ccaptain’s smug remark.

“Sorry, but that’s Captain Jack to you, sweet cheeks.” The broad-shouldered man’s face

showed only the barest hint of a smirk. At his remark, the king appeared to be taken aback, shock

flitting across his features for a fleeting moment before he ordered the captain bound and gagged. Commented [ST9]: This conveys the same idea as flitting.
(To pass quickly or abruptly.) I think we can remove "for a
fleeting moment" without changing the meaning.
“You do not yet know the effects your choice will have, old friend,” Ben said after a long

moment. Aidan paused for a moment before a bitter laugh escaped his lips.
“Old friend? You have the gall to call me friend while you amass ever more followers?”
“I have never sought to u—”
“Intentions change.” His low voice sounded almost remorseful. Almost. “And what
matters is that you have the power to be a threat tothreaten my authority in this kingdom. For
that, you have forced my hand.”
“Why do you fear those who tell tales of fiction and legend? We are no threat to you,” the
Commented [ST10]: There are two moments here within
several words of each other, and the repetition kind of breaks
the flow. We could probably remove this one without
sacrificing any meaning. Or we can come up with a way to
change one of them to something else that means relatively
the same thing.
Commented [ST11]: I love how real this break in the
dialogue sounds. But I noticed that cutting this sentence off
at just the u leaves it open to many different interpretations.
And it honestly makes me very curious to know what Ben
was going to say, almost to the point where I'm disatisfied
not knowing. We could break the u word after the next
couple letters or after the next syllable, or we could just
leave this line of dialogue at "'I have never sought to—"
Which would you prefer?

headmaster reasoned the headmaster with a slight chuckle, as though explaining what he meant Commented [ST12]: I flipped this because originally, the
verb was before the subject. This is called inversion, and it
isn't wrong, it just felt more formal than the rest of the story's
to a young child. tone. It also gives reasoned a very strong emphasis.

-3-
 “Perhaps not you personally, but the tales you tell turn the people against me. You wield

far too much power with your words. Bind him as well!” The king commanded angrily, turning

to leave the room.

“You once wielded such a power yourself,” Ben remarked, submitting unresistingly as Commented [ST13]: I moved this because when it’s down
below, it seems as if the guards are the ones who are
submitting unresistingly.
the guards roughly dragged his hands behind him, submitting unresistingly.

The tall king scoffed before continuing on his way.

HThe headmaster and Ccaptain exchanged glances before being shoved forward none too

gently. The forced pace barely gave them time to take in the damage wrought throughout the

library – —bookshelves knocked askew, and the precious, ancient scrolls strewn about

carelessly, some having obviously been tread on by the knights. Still, the scene in the library

didn’t compare to the view that met the men entering the courtyard.

Outside the library, the metallic stench of blood was thick in the air. Students’ bodies lay

where they had fallen, their terror as they had fled evident in the way they were strewn across

each other in evidence to their terror as they had fled. Male and female, child and adult alike had

been cut down viciously, having stood no chance against the onslaught. Mercy did not exist in

the School of Writing that day.

In a horrified stupor, Jack and Ben stumbled along after the king. Through the school the

king went, careful not to stain his pristine emerald robes on the lifeless bodies as he passed. On

and on they went, and the scene of carnage had no end. Pushing a door open at the top of the

stairwell, the king and his prisoners stepped onto the battlements, where they were met with a

view of Aidan’s army gathered below. Raising both hands in the air, King Aidan gestured for

silence.

-4-
 “It is won!” he shouted triumphantly, a call that the men below tooktaken up by the men
below until it became a wordless cheer. “But now, to cut off the head of the snake.” His grin
morphed into a sneer as the captain and headmaster were pushed forward.
“Let’s start with the mouthy captain, shall we? A warrior too cowardly to fight real
battles. Any last words?” Aidan asked with a smirk as he pulled off Jack’s gag.
“Just because there’s a battle doesn’t mean it’s worth fighting. You just don’t have the
guts to admit you don’t always need to be right.” The captain spat at the king’s boots with as
much disdain as he could muster. As the king’s face grew red with rage, Jack spoke up again,
“Whoops, I thought you’d appreciate the spit shine – —your boots were looking a little less than
pol—” He was cut off as tThe king ran himJack through on his a sword before pushing his body
off the battlements.
“Alas, bold words do the dead no favors,” Aidan mocked, wiping off the blade of his
sword. “And you, old man? Anything left to say?”
“You know what your actions will cost, Aidan,” Ben met the king’s malicious gaze
evenly. “Not only for you but for everyone else.”
“You have to be willing to do whatever it takes to get what you want,” Aidan said coldly.
“Then you are not the man I once knew,” the Hheadmaster finished as he was forced to
his knees. Regally, almost mockinglyderisively, Ben bowed his head and allowed the blackness
to envelop him like an old friend.
On the other side of the castle, the small figure of a young boy slipped unnoticed through
the trees, not daring to look back at the place he once called home.
-5-
Commented [ST14]: Aidan doesn't have the guts to admit
that he doesn't need to be right? Or Aiden doesn't have the
guts to admit that he isn't always right? Saying that Aiden
doesn't want to admit that he doesn't always need to be right
feels a little contradictory. Because by not having the guts to
admit that he doesn't always have to be right, he's saying that
he always has to be right.
Commented [ST15]: This interaction feels so accurate
compared to the long monologues these situations are
usually given. But all of the him's and his's in this sentence
got a little confusing since there are two people. I tried to cut
back on the ambiguous references. This is just one option for
clarifying the sentence.
Commented [ST16]: Aidan mocked Ben up above, so
maybe we should change mockingly to something like this.
Commented [ST17]: I love how this statement implies that
Ben was killed without really explaining how. It offers a
really great transition out of that immediate scene. However,
it's a little unclear that Ben's about to be killed, so when this
sentence comes around, it's a little surprising and somewhat
vague. Maybe we could add a reference to a sword or
something up above to keep the method implicit. For
example, "...the headmaster finished as he was forced to his
knees. The king raised his sword. Regally, almost derisively,
Ben bowed his head..." If we were to do something like this,
I would suggest splitting the lines up into different
paragraphs that way we keep each character's actions
separate.
Commented [ST18]: I removed this because "the small
figure" is the subject of this sentence, but when we get to the
phrase at the end, "not daring to look back...," it's the boy not
daring to look back, not his figure. There are a couple of
different fixes for this, so if we still want to keep "small
figure" in this sentence, we can work something else out. For
example, we could split this into two sentences, the second
one with the boy as the subject. This is just the easiest fix.
Commented [ST19]: I love how this foreshadows the idea
that this arc isn’t quite done, and I also think it’s really great
that the boy slipping out this parallels the opening of the
prologue.
 Chapter One
In which an unexpected guest arrives Commented [ST20]: I love this chapter heading! Especially
since the format is carried through the rest of the chapters.

Ever since I was young, I knew that something was missing. It wasn’t anything in

particular that gave me that feeling, though occasionally I seemed to come close to fixing it. The

rushing wind on my face as I galloped through a field filled the hole in my soul for a little while.

The sense of discovery while drawing a forgotten landscape put my world at rights. Stories my

father told me felt nearly right. But all the fleeting moments in the world were just that – —

fleeting. Over and gone in the blink of an eye.

When I was younger, I tried asking my friends and my parents about it, but in the end,

none of them could make sense of the feelings either. As I grew, I stopped asking, leaving the

feeling as nothing more than a quiet longing deep inside of me. Someday I would know where I

belonged. For now, all I knew was that it wasn’t here.

When I was old enough to read and write, Da taught me how to paint, and the landscapes

I had before sketched in a child’s shaky hand gradually grew into something real, almost

recognizable. Soon, I was imagining quests happening in these strange lands that I painted, and

Da helped me put the words down on paper.

As a side effect of my imagination, I often got lost in the worlds in my head, forgetting to

pay attention to the one around me. It’s not like I could help it – —the worlds in my head were

simply more interesting. In those worlds, I was whoever I wanted to be. In reality? I was just

Cara. Plain, simple, boring Cara. Nothing particularly extraordinary ever happened to me, and I

didn’t figure that it would any time soon. Imagination Cara, on the other hand, was a daring

pirate captain at the moment, fighting a rival pirate in a race to reach a hidden island.

-6-
 Blinding pain emanated from my shin, and I quickly swung at my attacker. Parry, thrust,

block, repeat. On and on it went. My blade jumped up to defend an overhead cut but was

rendered ineffectual when I stumbled. And so I wound up with a sword aimed at my throat.

Again.

“You need to focus, Cara.”

I sighed as the practice blade dropped from its threatening position.

My tutor matched my exasperated sigh. “Do you really think an assailant will take it
easy on you just because you’re lost in your own little world?”
“To be completely honest, I don’t know why anyone’s going to be attacking me in the
Commented [ST21]: Is the tutor Jim or James Sr.? Reading
just this openeing part, before Jim comes in, it feels like the
tutor is also her sparring partner. We should make it clear
here that the tutor and the sparring partner are two separate
people. We could do something like, "I sighed as my
sparring partner dropped the practice blade from its
threatening position."

first place.” I raised an eyebrow.

Jim, my sparring partner, chuckled at my response.

“She’s got a fair point, Dad. Trouble doesn’t seem to show up much in town. Unless

she’s the one causin’ it, that is.”

“In this life, we never know. The best we can do is be prepared.” James Sr. said. “I think

that’s quite enough sparring for today. Make sure those swords get put up this time. And Cara,

tell your parents that we’ve invited your family to dinner tonight.”

“Yes, Dad,.” Jim said at the same time I said, Commented [ST22]: Were Jim and Cara supposed to say
these phrases at the same time? If so, we could do something
like this. The way the dialogue was previously made it feel
“Yes, James.” like Jim spoke and then Cara. And, since James didn't
explicitly mention Jim in his orders, it felt like Cara was the
We both rolled our eyes as we turned to put away the practice swords. one saying "Yes, Dad." So, if we want to keep this dialogue
as it was, I would suggest flipping the two statements.

“Be prepared for what, exactly? A slightly larger than average squirrel whose nap you

interrupted?” he Jim muttered once we were out of earshot.

“Nah, I think he meant something a bit scarier than that. More like a sleepy kitten, I

think.”

-7-
 “Oh, you’re definitely right. Scary creatures, they are.”

We held onto serious faces for approximately two seconds before dissolving into

laughter.

“Well, I’ll see you for dinner. Try not to get scared by any kittens before I get back,

alright?” I tossed over my shoulder as I turned to leave the practice yard.

“How ever shall I manage without my brave, strong Cara to save me?” His falsetto was

quite possibly the most obnoxious one I’d ever heard, and I only shook my head in response

before shutting the gate behind me.

“Hey, Da! I’m home!” Commented [ST23]: The transition here makes it feel as if
Cara’s home is right outside the practice yard, on the other
side of the gate. Is that the case? If not, maybe we want to
“Ah, the returning princess! Regale me with the tales of your adventures!” He was in the include something that offers another location marker. For
example, we could do something like, “ ‘Hey, Da! I’m
kitchen, as usual. home!’ I shouted, shutting the front door behind me.”

“Brendan! Give her a chance to get settled before you go bombarding her about her

lessons! At least let her get some food!” Mum was with him, and judging from the smell, they’d

been baking cookies.

“There’s not very much to tell. Except that James invited us over for dinner.”

“How was the fencing lesson?” Da asked.

In response, I dropped into a chair with an exaggerated sigh and grabbed a warm cookie,

eliciting a chuckle from my father. “That bad, huh?”

I swallowed a big bite of cookie. “I mean, on the bright side, I can cross ‘pirate captain’ Commented [ST24]: Just to keep it clear who's speaking,
maybe we could add a dialogue tag of some sort? This is just
an option.
off of the list of potential careers.”

“There goes the last option. I think we’ll have to just feed her to the grozulf,” Dad stage-

whispered to Mum.

-8-
 “Oh no, not the grozulf!” I feigned a gasp of horror, causing the laughter to finally crack

through his serious mask.

Dad ruffled my hair affectionately as we started towards the art studio together, with

Mum just shaking her head and laughing at our antics.
“Not the grozulf then… We’ll have to find some other use for you.” He nodded pensively
as he held the door for me. “For now, your majesty, what would you like to do today?”
Commented [ST25]: This sentence makes it feel as if the
mom goes with both Cara and the dad. The we seems to be
referring to all three of them, not just Cara and her dad. We
should find a way to clarify that the mom stays behind, that
way readers don’t get confused when the mom doesn’t
appear in the conversation again until later, when they meet
up.

Afternoons in the studio were my favorite part of the day. Working on my story with my dad
gave me an escape from the mundane, and today it afforded me an escape from my failings with
the sword.
“I think Ilyfri could do with a map sooner or later.”
“Right you are, Princess.” His enthusiasm was obvious as he pulled out paper and a quill.
I also think it’s important to clarify that they all stay in the
house, that the art studio is in the house. When I first read it,
I assumed that they were heading to another location, not just
another room in the house. I didn’t realize they were still in
their house until the mom appeared again at the top of the
stairs, and even then I considered that maybe the art studio
had multiple levels. This could be fixed with something as
simple as “Dad ruffled my hair affectionately as we started
together toward the basement where our art studio was,
with…” Or just something to clarify where the art studio is.

Alongside those, he pulled out maps of my other stories as well as his own. For a long moment,

we sifted through these, pulling out ideas that I liked and giggling at the particularly bad

drawings from when I was younger.

Afternoons in the studio were my favorite part of the day. Working on my story with my

dad gave me an escape from the mundane, and today it afforded me an escape from my failings

with the sword. Commented [ST26]: Up above, these two sentences felt a
little out of place and they broke up the conversation. What
if we moved them down to here? I feel that they offer a
“Da?” I asked as I began to sketch an idea. better transition, connecting the ideas of loving drawing to
writing stories.
“Yes, Cara?”

“This world that I invented – —Ilyfri… Is it real? Or is it just in my head?”

He didn’t respond immediately, sketching absentmindedly on a scrap of paper.

“Just because it’s in your head doesn’t mean that it isn’t real. And in any case, you

haven’t finished creating it yet.”

-9-
 “So it is real, then?”

“In a sense.” My face must have conveyed my confusion because he then continued. “It

is a reality in another world.”

“How does that make any sense?”

“Well, there’s a world – —a dimension, really – —where all the stories ever written exist.

They call it the Storyworld.” Commented [ST27]: I think this conversation is a great way
to introduce the main concept behind this universe.
“Have you ever seen it?”

“I nearly did. But that was a long time ago.” His gaze grew distant as though reliving

some distant memory.

I kept sketching at the map for a long moment, not wanting to interrupt his thoughts.

“Do you ever wish you had?” Formatted: Indent: First line: 0"

“Sometimes. But I was not meant to see it.”

“If only there was a way to get there…” It would be far easier to describe and map a

world that I had seen in person. Instead, I was left longing for landscapes and people I would

never know. Separated from them by a bridge I couldn’t find, let alone cross.

“Perhaps someday you’ll find your way there. And you’ll have to tell me all about it

when you do.”

“You’ll be the first to know, Da.”

“Promise?” He grinned, and with an exaggerated sigh, I repeated the phrase we’d

invented long ago when I was concerned about impossible circumstances complicating a

promise’s completion.

“Provided I don’t get chased by a grozulf, fall off a dragon, or lose all of my memories, I

hereby promise that you will be the first to know.” Commented [ST28]: I love this little saying, and it
completely captures Cara’s relationship with her dad.

- 10 -
 We both laughed at the sheer ridiculousness of it all before turning back to the nearly

completed map.

“I imagine that James told you about the ball coming up?” He Da asked as we left the

studio, the map now complete, heading for a snack break before dinner.

“The what now?” I had exactly no recollection of any such event ever being mentioned.

But it was also highly likely that I had just spaced it out. Commented [ST29]: OK? Or is this supposed to mean that
Cara blanked out the idea because she didn’t want to
remember it?
Da muttered a curse at my response.

“Jerk. He told me he’d break the news to you.”

“And I told you to just do it yourself,” we heard Mum call down from the stairs. “Cara,

dear, we’ll get a gown fitted for you tomorrow, alright?”

“What ball?” I asked again, impatient.

“The royal ball. The ball the crown prince will be attending. The ball that takes place in

two weeks. That ball.”

“Oh. That ball. Lovely.” It was not, in fact, a lovely prospect.

~ ~ ~

- 11 -