8 Ways to Get Away with Murder

If you’re just dying to kill someone but find the prospect of prison tiresome, perhaps this handy
little murderer’s manifesto is perfect for you!

Have No Motive
Do not kill out of anger, greed, or revenge, to cover another crime, or for sexual gratification. Do
it just for the pure pleasure of doing so, for the unadulterated satisfaction of whacking some
unsuspecting SOB just for the hell of it. When the who or how are not immediately obvious, the
cops will look for the why. Nothing drives a homicide detective crazy like not understanding why
someone was whacked.

Be Selective
Kill some random person, but please choose someone who at least deserves it. Make sure you
have absolutely no connection to the person you off; this is non-negotiable. No friends,
neighbors, relatives, ex-boyfriends, or even someone who recently flipped you the bird while
cutting you off in traffic.
DNA

For the love of Pete, DO NOT leave your DNA all

over the place. No drooling, spitting, or bleeding, and do not relieve yourself of your semi-
precious bodily fluids. Sometimes killing people can take longer than you expect, so, much like
planning travel, take care of these matters before you leave the house.

Police Your Work Area

Pick up your shell casings, or better yet, use a revolver. Remember, when you care enough to
send the very best, avoid calibers smaller than a .38. If using a knife, hatchet, or spear, do not
leave your weapon protruding from your victim’s forehead, chest, or anal cavity. Nobody likes a
show-off.

Do Not Tell Your Neighbors

It’s never a good idea to solicit advice on what to do with

dead guys in your bathtub. That’s what Google is for.
There was a murder in South Los Angeles (Firestone station) where a man hacked his buddy to
death with a machete in his own home.

He had chased the victim through the house while whacking him with his weapon, and as a
result, body parts and fluids were scattered everywhere.

The suspect, not quite sure how to dispose of his dearly departed companion, placed the man in
his bathtub and closed the door. The next day he realized he needed a better solution to his
problem, something more permanent, so he sought advice from a few of his neighbors.

One of the neighbors called the sheriff’s station and a patrol car was dispatched. When the man
answered the door, the deputies could see the place was an obvious crime scene. The suspect was
detained and an investigation ensued.

To this day, I wonder how many neighbors had discussed options with the killer rather than
calling to report it.

The point being, if you can’t help but to discuss a good old-fashioned killing with your
neighbors, choose your confidant wisely. Some people are more touchy about these matters than
others.

Do Not Keep Souvenirs

You can never explain having photographs of dead people. Unless, of course, you’re a cop.

When I worked Special Investigations Bureau, we handled a murder-for-hire case wherein the
suspect, an attorney, attempted to have his former business partner murdered.

Not accustomed to dealing with the type of men who do such things, the attorney suspect
solicited the help of a random thug. But this man was a pimp, hustler, and thief, not a killer. So,
rather than actually killing the former business partner as he was hired to do, the thug attempted
to extort him. (Pay me and I won’t kill you.)
We arrested the hustler for extortion, and he immediately chose to work with us to gather
evidence against the attorney who had hired him.

A murder was staged. A studio makeup artist made our would-be victim appear dead, and
Polaroid photographs were taken. The thug provided the photographic evidence of death to the
attorney suspect who was elated at the results of his work. He then paid the hustler for his efforts,
believing the thug had, in fact, killed the former partner and friend.

That final meeting was audio and video-recorded, so the attorney’s possession of the
photographs was not as relevant as it might have otherwise been. But had this been an actual
murder, it is likely the partner would have eventually become a suspect due to the circumstances
of this case. A search warrant would have found photographs of the murdered man in the
attorney’s possession. That is not how you avoid prison.

Social Media

Just don’t.

Not even a little bit.

Your Right to Remain Silent

Invoke it. Every. Single. Time.

Nothing good will ever come of you telling a detective why you killed some poor bastard. But
you won’t listen to me, I guarantee it. In fact, detectives count on it. I’ve seen it time and again,
you killers will spill your guts and a year later wonder how we convicted your dumb ass of
murder.

Disclaimer
This is meant as humor. Sick, twisted, dark, cop humor, designed for nothing other than a laugh.
I assume that those who read my blog are not the type to contemplate murder.

It is also meant as a spoof to the daily billion “self-help” blogs that list nine ways to leave your
wife, six steps to being a better lover, and twelve reasons to buy some book about how to sell
your self-help blog, and so on.

Thank you, and do have a Killer day!