A: What? I could use the extra cash, and I decided a roommate might be a good idea.

J: Are you trying to get abducted?

A: Jane, it’s a cute picture... Oh my God is that side boob?

J: Oh my God— No, no, no, it’s just leaves.

A: Whatever, I’ll find someone cool and fun and it’ll be okay.

J: Alex, this is a big decision, okay? I mean, and you have a terrible habit of always seeing the
good in people.

A: I’m not sure that’s a bad habit

J: What I’m trying to say is that you’re not the best judge of character. Would you like me to help
you find a roommate?

A: Jane, I can handle this.

J: I could make one…

A: Jane!

J: Okay.

A: ​(Alex’s phone rings) ​And look, someone could be calling about the room right now. Hello?
Yes! This is Alex. ​(shoo J out of room)

Cut to: Jane knocking on door, Alex still on phone.

A: Ugh, I love veal. Okay, we’ll be in touch. Bye! Doesn’t she seem great? Her hair is amazing!

J: Yeah. Does her hair have a social security number you could run a credit check on? Or how
about her references? I mean, how much money does she make? What do you know about
her?

A: She likes vampire books and Beyonce.

J: Look you’ve only ever lived with Dave and me, and a lot goes into making this decision.

A: Well... I guess I didn’t totally think about all of that.

J: But I did! And judging people comes so easy for me. Which is why you should let me help
you.

A: Okay, fine. You can help but you’re not going to come in and take over and get all Jane on
me are you?

J: Of course not. I’ve got some great roommate choices. Like Becca. She’s a marine biologist
and notary public, which means, she can teach you about plankton and also witness the signing
of important documents!

A: Sounds like such fun, but I can’t do this right now Jane.

J: Okay, okay. How about Jessica? I mean, she’s an agorophobic and a vegan which means
she will never leave her room or eat your cheese. You love your cheese.

A: I’ve already found a roommate.

J: So? Who did we choose?

A: My first choice. Samantha. The blonde.

J: I don’t understand. I just introduced you to 10 other girls who would make way better
roommates.

A: Yeah, for you, okay? But I want someone cool. I don’t care if they “look good on paper.” Or
“have great references” or “climb Mt. Kilimanjuju”

J: Why are you putting everything in air quotes?

A: Because that’s who I am. And I’m sorry if I don’t want to live with any of these boring lame
girls!

Cell phone rings

A: Oh! Hi Jane. If you’re wondering how my new roommate is, she’s awesome.

J: I just called to say that I’m glad it all worked out for you, and I really like that tank top on you.

A: Thanks! Samantha gave— wait. How do you know what I’m wearing?

J: Your awesome Samantha makes a living by moving in with cute girls, setting up webcams
and charging people to watch.
A: Oh my god! That’s why she wanted to eat popsicles and have a cream cheese fight
yesterday!

J: Oh yeah, that’s a popular one.

A: This is so crazy. I mean, I thought Samantha was a cool girl, you know? Is there any way that
this is a mistake?

J: Do you want me to handle this?

A: No. I think we should do this together. ​(disconnect wires, turn off webcam)

P - Okay, this one? Or This one?

A - I think you should wear pants. You know? It will give you more freedom to goosestep.
P - I can’t find that funny.
A - Oh come one. I Wikied World War 2 just for this conversation. So what are you and Hitler
gonna do tonight? Movie? Dinner? Invade Poland?
P - Are you done?
A - I got one more. I hope he’s Mister Reich.
P - Glad we waited for that one.
A - Right?
P - Do you think I’m crazy? Going out with him? I mean if we got married, this is my future:
“Penny Hitler. Doug and Penny Hitler. Mr. and Mrs. Douglas Hitler.”
A - Oh, the Douglas helps a little. Look why don’t you just keep Penny Hartz, or you can
hyphenate it.
P - Penny Hartz Hitler, yeah that’s a winner.
A - Come on, if this guys last name is the worst thing about him that’s not so bad. I mean, he
sounds like a pretty great guy.
P - You know? You’re right. You are right! What does a name even matter? I mean who cares
right? I dated that Turkish guy Ahneed Jirnutz.
A - Oh I liked AJ.
P - What went wrong with that?
A - Well anyway have fun with Hitler tonight. Make sure he doesn’t get in your Panzer. What?
Boom!