On The Lighter Side - Jokes

 
When that same lawyer arrived down under, he advised the devil it
must all be a mistake: at 47 he was too young to be dead. "Oh, I don't
know," replied the devil. "Judging by your hourly billing records you
must be at least 103!"

The judge declared at the beginning of trial: "Counsel for the defense
has paid me $15,000 to find for his client. Counsel for the plaintiff has
paid me $10,000 to find for hers. In order to make this a fair trial, I am
returning $5,000 to the defense."

"All lawyers are assholes!" declared a man in a bar. "I resent that!"
someone replied. "Why, are you a lawyer?" "No, I'm an asshole!"

A doctor told his patient that she had only six months to live. "Isn't
there anything I can do?" pleaded the patient. "Marry a lawyer," the
doctor advised. "It will be the longest six months of your life."

A man was on vacation when he ran into an old acquaintance. "Hello,

Joe," he said. "I haven't seen you in years. What are you doing these
days?" "I'm practicing law," whispered Joe. "But don't tell my mother.
She thinks I'm still a pimp."

A lawyer was out hiking with a friend when they encountered a

mountain lion. The lawyer dropped his pack and got ready to run.
"You'll never outrun a hungry mountain lion!" exlaimed his friend. "I
don't have to outrun him," replied the lawyer. "I just have to outrun
you!"

The next day a coyote came upon that same mountain lion licking a pile
of dung. "What on earth are you doing?" the coyote asked in
amazement. The mountain lion looked up dolefully. "I ate a lawyer
yesterday, and I'm still trying to get the taste out of my mouth."

One day a tourist wandered into a curio shop in Hong Kong. Way in the
back, amidst the clutter, he found a brass statuette of a rat. It was
beautifully crafted, and the man decided he rather liked it. "How
much?" he asked the elderly Chinese shopkeeper. "Five dollar," the
shopkeeper replied. "Hundred dollar with story." Five dollars seemed
like a good price, and the tourist decided that he could live without
knowing the story of the brass rat. So he bought it. As he wandered on
through the streets of Hong Kong, however, the man noticed with
surprise that he was not alone. Rats were emerging from buildings, the
sewers, everywhere, in ever increasing numbers, and following him.
Before long there were so many that he became genuinely frightened.
Finding himself at the water's edge, the now terrified man hurled the
brass rat into the bay. He heaved a sigh of relief as the thousands of
rats hurled themselves into the bay after it and promptly began to
drown. Shaken, the man made his way back to the curio shop. The old
Chinese shopkeeper looked amused. "You comeback for story?" he
asked. The tourist shook his head. "No," he said. "I just wanted to
know if you had a brass lawyer."

A pick pocket was up in court for a series of petty crimes. The judge
said " Mr. Conners you are hereby fined £100." The lawyer stood up
and said "Thanks, my lord, however my client only has £75 on him at
this time, but if you'd allow him a few minutes in the crowd…"

Two lawyers met at a cocktail party. "How's business?" asked the first.
"Rotten," replied the other. "Yesterday, I chased an ambulance for
twenty miles. When I finally caught up to it, there was already another
lawyer hanging on to the bumper."

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the
cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared
for an emergency landing. A few minutes later, the pilot asked the
flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready. "All set back
here, Captain," came the reply, "except one lawyer who is still going
around passing out business cards."

After telling a friend about losing a court case, the friend asked, "Did
your lawyer give you bad advice?" "No. He charged me for it."

The day after a verdict had been entered against his client, the lawyer
rushed to the judge's chambers, demanding that the case be reopened.
He said that he had new evidence that made a huge difference in his
defense. "What new evidence could you have?" said the judge. The
lawyer replied, "My client has an extra $50,000, and I just found out
about it."

Some American academics, discussing the Six Day War with an Israeli
general, were eager to know how it had ended so quickly. The general
told them, "We had a crack regiment at the most sensitive front. It was
made up entirely of lawyers and accountants. When the time came to
charge - boy, did they ever know how to charge!"

A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's
rates. "$50.00 for three questions, replied the lawyer. "Isn't that
awfully steep?" asked the man. "Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what
was your third question?"

A lawyer charged a man $500 for legal services. The man paid him with
crisp new $100 bills. After the client left, the lawyer discovered that
two bills had stuck together -- he'd been overpaid by $100. The ethical
dilemma for the lawyer: Should he tell his partner?

An indigent client who had been injured in an accident went looking for
a lawyer to represent him without cost. One lawyer told him that he
would take the case on contingency. When the client asked what
"contingency" was, the lawyer replied, "If I don't win your lawsuit, I
don't get anything. If I do win your lawsuit, you don't get anything."
"How can I ever thank you?" gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow,
after he had solved her legal troubles. "My dear woman," Darrow
replied, "ever since the Phoenicians invented money there has been
only one answer to that question."

Having just had judgement entered against him, Mr. Walters was upset
to be handed his lawyer's bill. "It says here that I have to pay you
$10,000 now and $900 a month for the next five years! It's like I was
buying a top-of-the-line Mercedes!" The lawyer smiled and replied,
"You are."

A lawyer and a physician had a dispute over precedence. They referred

it to Diogenes, who gave it in favor of the lawyer as follows: "Let the
thief go first, and the executioner follow."

Two lawyers were out hunting when they came upon a couple of
tracks. After close examination, the first lawyer declared them to be
deer tracks. The second lawyer disagreed, insisting they must be elk
tracks. They were still arguing when the train hit them.

After examining the contents of the employee suggestion box, the

senior partner of the law firm complained, "I wish they'd be more
specific. What kind of kite? What lake?"

A man who had been caught embezzling millions from his employer
went to a lawyer seeking defense. He didn't want to go to jail. But his
lawyer told him, "Don't worry. You'll never have to go to jail with all
that money." And the lawyer was right. When the man was sent to
prison, he didn't have a dime.

God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences once
and for all. When Satan heard this, he laughed and said, "And where do
you think you're going to find a lawyer?"

A lawyer dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself
greeted at the Pearly Gates by a brass band. Saint Peter runs over,
shakes his hand and says "Congratulations!"
"Congratulations for what?", asks the lawyer. "Congratulations for
what?", says Saint Peter. "We're celebrating the fact that you lived to
be 160 years old!" "But that's not true," says the lawyer. "I only lived
to be forty." "That's not possible," replies Saint Peter. "We've added up
your time sheets."

A man was sent to Hell for his sins. As he was being taken to his place
of eternal torment, he passed a room where a lawyer was having an
intimate conversation with a beautiful young woman. "What a rip-off,"
the man muttered. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer
gets to spend it with a beautiful woman." Jabbing the man with his
pitchfork, the escorting demon snarled, "Who are you to question the
woman's punishment?"
A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand
in a trial-a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and
asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do
know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy.
And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you
cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind
their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the
brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit
paper pusher. Yes, I know you." The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing
what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams,
do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes I do.
I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-
sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to
me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build
a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the
shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him." At this point, the judge
rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the
bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you
asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"

An attorney telephoned the governor just after midnight, insisting that

he talk to him regarding a matter of utmost urgency. An aide
eventually agreed to wake up the governor. "So, what is it?" grumbled
the governor. "Judge Garber has just died" said the attorney, "and I
want to take his place." Replied the governor "Well, its OK with me if
its OK with the undertaker."

A woman was being questioned in a court trial involving slander.

"Please repeat the slanderous statements you heard, exactly as you
heard them," instructed the lawyer. The witness hesitated. "But they
are unfit for any respectable person to hear," she protested. "Then,"
said the attorney, "just whisper them to the judge."

A red-faced judge convened court after a long lunch. The first case
involved a man charged with drunk driving who claimed it simply
wasn't true. "I'm as sober as you are, your honor," the man claimed.
The judge replied, "Clerk, please enter a guilty plea. The defendant is
sentenced to 30 days."
Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers.
"So," he said, "I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe."
Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably. "You, attorney Smith, gave me
$15,000. And you, attorney Jones, gave me $10,000." The judge the
reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He handed it to Smith...
"Now then, I'm returning $5,000, and we're going to decide this case
solely on its merits."

Lawyers for John DuPont now think they have found solid grounds for
an appeal of his murder conviction. They recently discovered that he
still has a lot of money.

Despite his best efforts, the lawyer's client was convicted of murder
and sentenced to die in the electric chair. On the eve of his execution,
the convict called his attorney for last-minute advice. He was told,
"Don't sit down."

Johnny Cochran was duck hunting in Montana recently, when he

attempted to cross a fence into a field to retrieve a duck he had shot. A
farmer suddenly pulled up in his pick-up truck, jumped out, and asked
Mr. Cochran what he was doing on his property. "Retrieving this duck
that I just shot", he replied. "That duck is on my side of the fence, so
now it's mine," replied the farmer. Mr. Cochran asked the farmer if he
knew who he was talking to. "No", replied the farer, "I don't know, and
I don't care." "I'm Johnny Cochran, famous lawyer from Los Angeles",
came the reply. "I'm the lawyer that got O.J. Simpson off. I'm the
reason he is a free man today - and if you don't let me have that duck,
I can sue you for your farm, your truck, and everything else you own.
I'll leave you penniless on the street." "Well," said the farmer, "In
Montana the only law we go by is the '3 kicks law'." "Never heard of
it", said Johnny. The farmer said, "I get to kick you 3 times, and if you
make it back to your fee and are able to kick me back three times, the
duck is yours." Cochran thought this over. He grew up in a tough
neighborhood and figured he could take this old farmer. "Fair enough",
he said. So the farmer kicked Johnny violently in the groin. As he was
doubling over, the farmer kicked him in the head, and when he hit the
ground, he kicked him in the ribs. After several minutes, Johnny slowly
made it back to his feet. "Alright, now it's my turn", said Johnny. "Aw,
forget it", said the farmer. "You can have the duck."

A man went into a local Chamber of Commerce, obviously desperate.

He asked the man at the counter, "Is there a criminal lawyer in town?"
The man replied, "Yes - but we can't prove it yet."
Two schoolgirls were having an argument. "My dad's better than your
dad. He's a carpenter and makes buildings." The other girl replied, "My
dad does better than that. He's a lawyer, and makes loopholes."

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for
a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your father do all
day?" Tim stood up and proudly said, "He's a doctor." "That's
wonderful. How about you, Sarah?" Sarah stood up, scuffed her feet
and said, "My father is a mailman." Billy proudly stood up and
announced, "My daddy plays the piano in a whorehouse." The teacher
was horrified and prompted changed the subject to geography. Later
that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father
answered the door. The teacher repeated what his son had said and
demanded an explanation. Billy's father said, "Well, I'm actually an
attorney. But how do I explain a thing like that to a seven-year old?"

Believing in predestination, a new father set out three objects on the

dining room table in preparation for his son's arrival home from school.
The first object was a $100 bill. "That represents high finance. If he
takes this, he's go into business." The second object was a Bible. "If he
takes this one, he'll be a man of the cloth." The third object was a
bottle of cheap whiskey. "If he goes for this one, he'll be a drunkard!"
The father and his wife then hid where they could see their son's
approach. Soon, the son entered the room and examined each article
briefly. He then checked to make sure that he was alone. Not seeing
anyone, he stuffed the money in his pocket, put the Bible under his
arm, and strolled out of the room draining the whiskey. The father
looked at his wife and beamed, "How about that! He's going to be a
lawyer!"

One day in Contract Law class, Professor Jepson asked one of his
better students, "Now if you were to give someone an orange, how
would you go about it?" The student replied, "Here's an orange." The
professor was livid. "No! No! Think like a lawyer!" The student then
recited, "Okay, I'd tell him, 'I hereby give and convey to you all and
singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and
advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp,
and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut,
freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and
without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or
hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or
kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding..."

A golfer hooked his tee shot over a hill and onto the next fairway.
Walking toward his ball, he saw a man lying on the ground, groaning
with pain. "I'm an attorney," the wincing man said, "and this is going
to cost you $5000." "I'm sorry, I'm really sorry," the concerned golfer
replied. "But I did yell 'fore'." "I'll take it!," the attorney said.

For years, the young attorney had been taking vacations at a country
inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's
daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his
suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover
with an infant in her lap! "Helen, why didn't you write when you
learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here,
we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"
"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat
up all night talking and talking, and decided it would be better to have
a bastard in the family than a lawyer."

"You seem to be in some distress," said the kindly judge to the

witness. "Is anything the matter?" "Well, your Honour," said the
witness, "I swore to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the
truth, but every time I try, some lawyer objects."

A Baptist minister had the misfortune to be seated next to an lawyer on

his flight home. After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came
around for drink orders. The lawyer asked for a whiskey and soda,
which was brought and placed before him. The attendant then asked
the minister if he would also like a drink. The minister replied in
disgust, "I'd rather savagely rape a brazen whore than let liquor touch
these lips." The lawyer then handed his drink back to the attendant and
told her with delight, "I didn't know there was a choice."

A group of headhunters sets up a small stand near a well-traveled

road. The bill of fare is as follows: Sautéed Tourist $10 Braised
Reporter $12 Fried Diplomat $15 Barbecued Lawyer $110 A customer,
noticing the great price differential, asked why lawyers cost so much.
The headhunter replied, "If you had ever tried to clean one of those
devils, you would understand."

Two law partners leave their office and go to lunch. In the middle of
lunch the junior partner slaps his forehead. "Damn," he says. "I forgot
to lock the office safe before we left." His partner replies " What are
you worried about? We're both here."

A group of professional men had finished a day's hunt and were

relaxing around the fire. Their hunting dogs occupied a clearing
nearby. One of the men observed that it was remarkable how the dogs
had acquired the traits of their owners. The musician's dog was softly
howling strains of the Moonlight sonata. The engineer's dog was using
his paw to perform calculations in the dust. The lawyer's dog was
screwing all the rest.

Two lawyers were walking along negotiating a case. "Look," said one,
"let's be honest with each other." "Okay, you first," replied the other.
That was the end of the discussion.

When applying for a job, a new lawyer was asked if paying back his law
school tuition would be any special problem. He replied that he paid it
back right after his first case. When asked how he managed that, he
said, "Well, my dad sued me for it and won."

The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer. "I can
arrange some things for you, the devil said. "I'll increase your income
five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you;
you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred.
All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and
their children's souls rot in Hell for eternity." The lawyer thought for a
moment. "What's the catch?, he asked.

A physician, an engineer and an attorney were discussing who among

them belonged to the oldest of the three professions represented. The
physician said, "Remember, on the sixth day God took a rib from Adam
and fashioned Eve, making him the first surgeon. Therefore, medicine
is the oldest profession." The engineer replied, "But, before that, God
created the heavens and earth from chaos and confusion, and thus he
was the first engineer. Therefore, engineering is an older profession
than medicine." Then the lawyer spoke up. "Yes," he said, "but who do
you think created all of the chaos and confusion?"

A doctor and a lawyer were attending a cocktail party when the doctor
was approached by a man who asked for advice on how to handle his
ulcer. The doctor mumbled some medical advice, then turned to the
lawyer and remarked, "I never know how to handle the situation when
I'm asked for medical advice during a social function. Is it acceptable
to send a bill for such advice?" The lawyer replied that it was certainly
acceptable to do so. The next day, the doctor sent the ulcer-stricken
man a bill. The lawyer also sent one to the doctor.

A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old legal
lions gave them a fight for their lives and the gang was happy just to
escape. "It ain't so bad," one crook noted. "We got out with $25
between us." "I warned you to stay clear of lawyers!", the boss
screamed. "We had over $1000 when we broke in!"

A law firm receptionist answered the phone the morning after the
firm's senior partner had passed away unexpectedly. "Is Mr. Smith
there?", asked the client on the phone. "I'm very sorry, but Mr. Smith
passed away last night," the receptionist answered. "Is Mr. Smith
there?", repeated the client. The receptionist was perplexed. "Perhaps
you didn't understand me. I'm afraid Mr. Smith passed away last
night." "Is Mr. Smith there?", asked the client again. "Madam, do you
understand what I'm saying?, said the exasperated receptionist. "Mr.
Smith is dead." "I understand you perfectly," the client sighed. "I just
can't hear it often enough."

Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer. "How's it going?",

someone asked. "Oh, not too bad", said Diogenes. "I still have my
lantern."

A lawyer had a jury trial in a very difficult business case. The client
who had attended the trial was out of town when the jury came back
with its decision, which was for the lawyer and his client. The lawyer
immediately e-mailed his client a message reading: "Justice has
triumphed!" The client e-mailed back, "Appeal at once!"

A lawyer was filling out a job application when he came to the

question, "Have you ever been arrested?" He answered, "No." The next
question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to
the last one, was "Why?" The lawyer answered it anyway: "Never got
caught."

A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a lawyer are riding together on

the Orient Express. The Russian takes a bottle of the best vodka out of
his pack, pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says: "In Russia, we
have the best vodka in the world - nowhere in the world can you find
vodka a good as the one we produce in the Ukraine. And we have so
much of it, that we can just throw it away..." Saying this, he opens the
window and throws the rest of the bottle through it. All the others
were quite impressed. The Cuban takes a box of Havanas, unwraps a
cigar, lights it, and begins to smoke, saying: "In Cuba, we have the
best cigars of the world. Nowhere else in the world produces such a
fine cigar, and we have so many of them that we can just throw them
away..." Saying that, he opens the window and throws the box of
Havanas through it. Once again, everybody is quite impressed. At this
point, the American stands up silently, opens the window, and throws
the lawyer through it.

The son of a Spanish lawyer graduated from college and was

considering the future. He went to his father, who had a very large
office, and asked if he might be given a desk in the corner where he
could observe his father's activities. He could be introduced to his
father's clients as a clerk. This way, he could decide on whether or not
to become a lawyer. His father thought this to be a splendid idea, and
this arrangement was set up immediately. On his son's first day at
work, the first client in the morning was a rough-hewn man with
callused hands, in workman's attire, who began the conversation as
follows: "Senor Lawyer, I work for some people named Gonzales who
have a ranch on the east side of town. For many years I have tended
their crops and animals, including some cows. I have raised the cows,
tended them, fed them, and it has always been my understanding and
belief that I was the owner of the cows. Senor Gonzales died and his
son has inherited the the farm, and he believes that since the cows
were raised on his ranch and fed his hay, the cows are his. In short, we
have a dispute as to the ownership of the cows." The lawyer said, "I
have heard enough. I will take your case. DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE
COWS!" After the tenant farmer left, the next client came in, a young,
well-dressed man, clearly a member of the landed class. "My name is
Gonzales. I own a farm on the east side of the town," he said. "For
many years, a tenant farmer has worked for my family tending the
crops and animals, including some cows. The cows have been raised on
my land and fed my hay, and I believe that they belong to me, but the
tenant farmer believes that since he raised them and cared for them,
they are his. In short, we have a dispute over ownership of the cows."
The lawyer said, "I have heard enough. I will take your case. DON'T
WORRY ABOUT THE COWS!" After the client left, the son came over to
his father with a look of concern. "My father, I know nothing of the
law, but is seems to me that we a serious problem regarding these
cows." "DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE COWS!" said the lawyer. "The cows
will be OURS!"

A bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man in the
world that it offered $1,000 to anyone who could beat him in one task.
The bartender squeezed a lemon until all the juice ran out. Anyone who
could get a drop of juice out of it after the bartender was done would
win the $1,000. Many strong people tried and failed. One day a
scrawny man came into the bar wearing thick glasses and a polyester
suit. He squeaked, "I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter died
down, the bartender grabbed a lemon and squeezed away. Then he
handed the rind to the man, who to everyone's amazement, squeezed
six drops into the glass. Stunned, the bartender paid up, and then
asked the man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack? A
weight lifter?" "Nope," the man replied. "I'm an attorney for the IRS."

A young lawyer was defending a wealthy businessman in a complicated

lawsuit. Unfortunately, the evidence was against his client, and he
feared the worst. The lawyer asked the senior partner of the law firm if
it would be appropriate to send the judge a box of Havana cigars. The
partner was horrified. "The judge is an honorable man," the partner
exclaimed. "If you do that, I can guarantee that you will lose the case."
Weeks later the judge ruled in favor of the lawyer's client. The partner
took him to lunch to congratulate him. "Aren't you glad that you didn't
send those cigars to the judge?", the partner asked. "Oh, but I did send
them," replied the lawyer. "I just enclosed the plaintiff's lawyer's
business card!"
A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would
see walking down the side of the road. Every time he would see a
lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there
would be a loud "THUMP" and then he would swerve back into the
road. One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest
hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck
over. He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?" "I'm going
to the church 5 miles down the road," replied the priest. "No problem,
Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck." The happy priest climbed
in to the passenger seat and the truck continued down the road.
Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and
instinctively swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a
priest in the truck with him, so at the last second he swerved away,
narrowly missing the lawyer. Even though he was certain he had
missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD". Not understanding
where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors and when he
didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry Father,
I almost hit that lawyer." "That's okay", replied the priest, "I got him
with the door."

A housewife, a lawyer and an accountant were asked, "How much is 2

+ 2?" The housewife replies, "Four!" The accountant says, "I think it's
either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through my spreadsheet one
more time." The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a
hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?"

A pedestrian was standing on the sidewalk when he saw a funeral

procession. The procession had two hearses, followed by a man
walking a dog. Directly behind the man was a single-file line of at least
two hundred people. Curious, the pedestrian followed the man walking
the dog and asked what was going on. The man with the dog replied
that the first hearse contained his ex-wife's lawyer. The pedestrian
asked how the man died, and was told that the dog had bitten the
lawyer and two days later the man had died. The pedestrian then asked
about the second hearse, whereupon the man with the dog explained
that he was the lawyer who had represented his business partner in a
long and vicious business breakup. The man went on to explain that
the other lawyer, too, had been bitten by the dog, and had died two
days later. The pedestrian pondered this information for a minute, then
whispered in the dog owner's ear, "Say, would you mind if I borrowed
your dog for a while?" Without missing a step, the dog owner replied,
"Okay by me fella, but you're gonna have to wait your turn in line like
everyone else."

The lawyer's son wanted to follow in his father's footsteps, so he went

to law school. He graduated with honors, and then went home to join
his father's firm. At the end of his first day at work he rushed into his
father's office and said, "Father, father, in one day I broke the accident
case that you've been working on for ten years!" His father responded:
"You idiot! We lived on the funding of that case for ten years