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    Being Single PDF

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    Upasana Sharma

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    © All Rights Reserved
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    of 15
    Advice on Marriage. @0 YOUNG LADIES. 1. ‘Do ot matty at all, 2. But you, mua eo the Boty Men, Flits, “and the Bounders, Tailors Piliscs cal he Foal Eee 3. Look for & Strong, Tame Man, a Freighter. Goubgctee Wilow -Cleater, | and Yaed Swiler. ! 4, Don't except: too! much, tose] are lazy, selfish, thoughtless, lying coe dumy, hea , rough, ae ‘aod need taming. 5. All Bech ae and soany aie | worse afl j 6. If you want ‘itt to be happy, Feed the Brite 7. The same remark applies 10Bog. 8. You will be wiser not 10 ehatice it it it worl. the isk, | ‘A SUFFRAGETTE WIFE. Single by Choice happily unmarried women! edited by KALPANA SHARMA weft pase in nda in 2019 (as associate of Kali for Women) 7/10, First Floor, Servapriya Vihar [New Delhi ~110 016 wna womenuninited net Cove design: Neca Rao typeset by Manmohan Kamar, Deli ~ 110035 and printed t Rj Press, R-3,Inderpusi, New Delhi~ 110012, Contents KALPANA SHARMA introduction: Simply single SHARDA UGRA Stomping on the cookie-cutter Being single snot being solitary FRENY MANECKSHA ” apply unmarried ever after! BAMA 1 Uphil lows the iver ADITI BISHNO! « Slouching towards singledom VINEETA BAL 7 A high happines quotien RHEA ARAN ° A fine balance SHERNA GANDHY 95 Single—and free ABELL MOITRA Life around ahearth, away from home SUIATA PATEL Being single Fre snglehood vows: cmiarking upon siglo earl, with deliberation Contributors Simply single happily unmarried? West out to explore this question lori Steinem, the renowned ferninist whose wrltings haw nfuenced generations of women acrssthe world once dismissed he institution of marrage a one that destivy relationship 2000, athe age of 6, sh 3 marred David Hale, Several y ater, in 2011 na interview to The Ob Remember my age dnt know that Tad ach tume dt wantoget married and hve ft was ineiabl and 40 U Kept slag not ight Pltingitof fer feminism aden rahe: not eeryon She went onto sy that having worked to make marriage more equal, she was glad t have had In India, we a anceto take advantage oft sila very long way fom marvag Being single SUJATA areL Konarak Express heading to Bhubaneshwar. After few hours oftrave th matriarch ofthe Marwati fam siting opposite me, about 60 years old (she had three generations with her), whose delectable lunch and snacks 1 adjust eaten with great rls, asked me ist my age (I must have been around 3001 32 atthe tum) and afer nodding wisely many times, asked, When did yo sgetmarsed and where isyour husband? Immediately thereafter followed another question: How many children do you have and whois ooking ater them? This was the first ime Thad been asked there questions and was atalossfor words, After afew minutes of dilemma, [thought itbest to be honest, and sald with some nonchalance (buffered | byasmile) that didnot have children or a husband and so was ‘ot married. Immediately her face showed signs of uneasiness, and with great concern she advised me to marry oon for ‘After all, who will do your shraddhat” At that moment I elise that the two of us inspite of our bonding ove fod and small talk | were located in two diferent worlds and tha there was anal embracing scl, intl tual and political distance between ws At the time, I didnot have the requisite socal or intelectual | resources to communicate my int of view and was dummoxed bout how andi that manner to explain that being mated or havinga husband and children were not important sies fr me, and that I id not ned to explain this to anyone [was on my way to do fldwork inthe villages of Balasore district, Odisha Over the course of the next month and a bal [was constantly asked the same question in the i who was my husband and where was he? Overtime, found the requisite answer, which helped my respondents who were marred and had families to understand me and, most importantly. accept me, 0 that I could continue with my research, I realised that it was best to say that Iwas educating myself and had ver litle time fr other things. This was an answer that [eame up within the rt few day, which Became my refrain whenever this issue arose. It allowed me the space t not explain my choices and ‘hereby maintain my privacy. By then, the mid-80, even in the rural areas of Oeisha,itwas accepted that education and studying ere important commitments (although only for males) and T remember how in nehousehold gave this standard answer, a young gil of about 16 looked at me shyly and longingly. and stated, Only daughters of ich parents styingin towns have this choice: Looking bac. it was unfortunate that didnot take her aside to talktoher and find oat how I could helper; post-facto regret that I didnot do what should have—comprehend her ‘urge and help er realise ‘In 2005-06, a briliant student of mine, a priest asked me: Is sociology your calling?” When I did not understand the import of is question he qualified it by asking,‘ this why You are single?” and I realised that there is something here that ‘needs consideration At the time he was reflecting on the many ‘complications affecting priesthood, and wondered wither this ‘question was asked because he thought that for priesthood, he ‘needed tobe single ike Iwas, that hiss wht Being committed to the profession ena It ths conversation with ny stadent that recalls wrt thie esray and I wonder: why sithat being singe is thought to be so unstal, and why i i choice that (questions the system? Why ist seen tobe a decision that ets Uh take the fist steps to achievernent and empowerment, and is therefore dangerous act fra git? Why does this feat need a specificexpanation and, depending on on ideology and subject. postion, generate postive or negative felings and emotions, ‘whereas being marred i thought tobe natural? Unfortunately since then have ot given myselftime to think hrough this sue, and so Tam glad thatthe opportunity has arisen now. For many years [thought I didnot need o explain in choice of being single, that tsa very private matter. Today, fs write this I think differenti; that this choice is apolitical {nterventon and needs some analysis by activists and scholars, and that at a scholar I should map some ofits contours, | dort know if anyone chooses to remain single; circumstances rake them exeris this choice ata certain point of time. In ty case, I decided quit early in fe that if wished to nurture 1 would adopt one; that before marrying, I needed to be employed: and thatthe frst need not follow the second ahi Coincident, after finding ajo, my then relationship did not ‘work out, oI started living alone and continued thus, because by then I was clear that this is the only way I can remain sutoniomous and unfettered from ding things with one person allthe time—-maybe for my wholelifTalso realised that would Tike to use my energy to establish myselfin my work/profession (always sucha struggle fora woman of any classlcaste) rather than deploying itto first comprehend, and ater deliberate and negotiate diferencesinliving and being’ with partner, Toved being alone and managing my own household and overtime T became an aecomplished homemaker. And so ater some yeas, setting married was no longera choice. However, {need toad 2 caveat; though [lived alone ina rented home for a decade slfer made this decison, my parents shifted into my household when they became infirm and neededcae, andlived wth me for alos fifteen years before they passed away in 2002 and 2013, respectively, Those were interesting times: on the one hand T learnt what caring was and onthe other, was exhausted by the caring and anguished bythe slow decay in their physical and ‘ental abies, Since then, Thave agin started living alone and appreciated andapplauded the freedom and autonomy that now have to live in the way I wish to, Fora woman to take adecision tobe single demands bbeeconomicaly independent receive acceptance and legitimacy for being single from her family and professional networks: ‘wn or make enough money to rent accommodation (generally Aificult for single women who are not enmeshed in recognised family or kin networks); ad has the strength to confront and sustain herself agains the prejudice, discrimination and sexism heaped on herby all and sundry, of bath sexes, Given that she does notcary the visible symbols (sindhur and/or mangslsitra) that protect her from pateiarchal interrogation, she faces ‘constant questions regarding er personal life from all manner of ‘nividualsincuding from those who provide everyday services such as plumbers, electricians, telephone repairer, dhobis and ‘domestic workers, to professional colleagues. ‘She aso faces discrimination andlor pity at work, a6 most institutions inthe public domain (whether headed by males or females) are misogynous. Males at work/profesional sites do ‘ot know how to relate to single women as colleagues. (I recall hen wasin hospital and very seriou, my male professional hat she calleagusat Pune University sent their wivesto enquire abou my lth rather than come themssves.) Some think single women gressive (womens assertiveness perceived a aggression) hysterical, unaccommodating (beeause marriage would have tamed women to patriarchal principles) and too demanding constantly questioning everydy pact demonstrate obesance to thosein authority; standing up or ther rights and those of others. All such ideas and impressions allowe knowing hove to them to develop negative felings for single women, Such men and women gossip about them, think that single women, being sexullyunflflledaeready for one-night stands or air. Ths, «single woman has to confront predators ofl kins, not only those wh create obstacles to her advancement in istitations! professions butalso those who pre on her bod: These colleagues (Goth maleand female) can use their powerand authority within the ffl structures to question the single womans everyday alternate profesional practices, especally they fel threatened byher constant assertion fr hers and other independence and sutonomy. am sure that ike me, may single women (more than ‘martied one) have faced both inquistions and formal inuites because oftheir insistence on being self asertive. ‘Single women nee to sstain themselves by creating lernate support structures and new networks of friendship. However creating these is dificult, f not imposible, given that most individuals network and build relationships as couples, with or without children, and operate within accepted class-based kn and caste groups. Being singe is nt easy tsa major struggle and doesnot come without initatingall manner of bates to maintain ‘material and psychological autonomy and freedom. Mos ofthe time, women who are singe also support their parents and/or stblings. tis extremely dificult fora womsan from alow income ‘background to make this choice; they ate marred very early in life even before they can understand their agency in onder to take such a decison, in these circumstances, | take the statistics made popular by the Government of Inds Ministry of Women and Child ‘Welfare, that there are about 71 milion single women in India (an increase of almost 39 percent from the 2001 Census with 4 pinch of salt. These women are single because they may bbe widowed, separated andior divorced or deserted by thee husbands and/or children, and his family, also oftentimes discarded by ther natal fares, Demographers have informed ‘as that most women in India are married by the time they are 9, and almost 99 per cent are matied bythe time they are 30. The above statistics on singlenss relate to those who have become single afer marrige Sach ingle women face enormous ificabiesandvalnerabiliies material social and psychological together with sexual harassment, prejudice and discrimination, But one needs to distinguish tis single-ness fom the one that ‘Weare discussing inthis Book, am now convinced that being single, that, being never- ‘arsed, is a state that questions the way the institutions of ‘artage-amily-kin organise the private domain and intersect withthe public domain in India, The choice to remain single not only subverts these institations and norms of beheviour that ensure womens subordination, but affirms her agency to constitute a distinctive and alternative lifestyle. This empowers her to interrogate the private-pubic institutions that had ear entangled her into accepting and legtimising her dependent personality and reproduce her identity within he cultural ste of ‘home production also allows her to question the power that such institutions have over he labour work friendship networks and soca capital and over sexual choices. enables herto situate her emotions of love, happiness and joy as also of hut, anger nd disgust, ona completely diferent and new epster than the fone that has, thus fr, organised emotions for married women, “This act of subversion gives her anew agency which she is sometimes conscious of somtimes not For women who become aware ofthe agency, being single provides them with further intllectual resources to extend the critique of domination and power that they have developed a a consequence of singe-ness and extend ito other instttions within the public domain, I enables them to playa publicrolein analysing the way symbolic andeultura power findsts expression in the public domain, and to question ways in which everyday overt and covert viclence stamps our public arenas, Ukimately, nge-nes provides one ith imellectual resources to comprehend the true meaning of Aiferenes, individuation, equality and democracy. Being single therefore, finds expression In various ways, sometimes as defiance, at other times in symbolic silence, and at il thers, n protest. promotes an atitude of fearessness and pluckines, and encourages daring, courage and bravery to struggle agains all odds. It also asserts the woman as an Independent persona an autonomous, sovereign, self-uficent and reeindividual in contro of her body, motions, elings and eas. Single-nes,I think, means allthis and more. This essay explores family background an itsimperatives and combines analysis with my personal journey to comprehend what means to bea single woman, for me | grew up as an only child born when my patents were in their ‘mide years 38and 4. By the they had been married for almost two decades and were immersed in themselves, their work and their public/poltical commitments, They were also working parents—they would lene home at 7 30-800.m. and return at 00-700 pam, sometimes even later. My only interaction with Ahem was generally late on Saturdays (when they had half dap work) and on Sundays "recall as I as growing up lstening to thei conceens and their interventions onisues concerning th experimental ont that they were managing as principal and teacher, especies y think unconsciously assimilated ther thoughts on ese Pedagogy, learning, and particularly, on Gandhis views ny ‘sluation, about Gandhians and their experiments in shear schoolsand othe such institutions. lls leant about teen, {avoleement in many other public activities in Mumba ot Caratand the rest ofthe county. | grew int adulthood ery. concerned with eas governing publ domain ofthe count, and had ite or no time for games or my peer Not all single children of midle-aged parents invoked with radical public concerns grow up tobe single. But my china “wpeience st the patern for mylvingalone: My soviaoaen ‘single ld allowed me to earn to embrace fing of sone stl love i 1 this was the, lea dle think tha Being alone was strange fl that ‘nly way tobe. It also made me feel that Ihave to to depend on mysel for everything and be self sue, andled me to earn tive wth ad ceatea word for mh This sllence and the notion of privacy that I constencted ‘ound myselwas reinforced because ou familyhadltleer ag interaction with my pues exended fama kin gop, Patents had coped and got maried when they were fe eel respectively and hod practically no contac inthe ery yes of ‘mated fe with ithe oftheir natal fanies Immediately acy ther mariage, they got involved withthe national mowonn sd forged deep bonds with heir compatriots fom the Congr, Party and other radical groups, including communists. And although by the time I was born, contact had been established vith my motherssisterand he family, and later with my fathers family grew up without having any clear understanding of the enmeshed relationships of blood that organise intieate ‘in/aste groups. To me, my family was my ‘mother frends, whether young ool, whom I sometimes called ‘as(s) and masa(s), but more ofen by thee st names, ‘A chance remark bythe social historian, Ravinder Kumar, shout Gandhi and how he created an alternate politica family kin group, bonding youngand old women and men, ahram ites sand party workers on public and private concerns, through bis letters, made me understand the origin of my own family network, "realised that by ceatinga friendship network that bonded over Public concerns my parensand thelr fiends were alo cresting am alteratefamiy/kin group, based on non-blood relationships Additionally was never asked wheter I wantedto get marred suess my parents would have found it dificult to find someone > me given that they and thelr various friends took ther own

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