4/19/2020 Sex in the Time of Coronavirus - WSJ

This copy is for your personal, non-commercial use only. To order presentation-ready copies for distribution to your colleagues, clients or customers visit
https://www.djreprints.com.

https://www.wsj.com/articles/sex-in-the-time-of-coronavirus-11587301200

CORONAVIRUS SYMPTOMS WHO'S HIRING YOU ASK, WE ANSWER STATE LOCKDOWNS

LIVE UPDATES
BONDS
Free Resources

Sex in the Time of Coronavirus

TESTING AND TREATMENT DAILY BRIEFING EN ESPAÑOL

Stress and fear are taking a toll on intimacy. But practicing ‘mindful sex’ can help you better connect
with your partner. Here’s how.

By
Elizabeth
Bernstein
April 19, 2020 9 00 am ET

Last week, Marcus Anwar had an offer he never thought he would refuse: “Do you want to have
sex?” his girlfriend asked.

Mr. Anwar said no.

“I had been watching the news and I had too much on my mind,” says the Toronto-based 30-
year-old founder of a classified-advertising website. “I was worrying about a recession, about
my elderly parents, about whether I would accidentally make my girlfriend sick.”

So Mr. Anwar turned to his girlfriend and tried to let her down gently. “How about tomorrow?”
he asked. She smiled and replied: “OK, I understand.”

How’s your sex life?

It’s a tough time for intimacy, when people are terrified that kissing, touching or even breathing
on someone could be deadly. Stress and fear are big libido buzzkills. And even if you can get in
the mood, privacy may be hard to come by, with kids and anyone else you are quarantined with
home all the time.

Early in the pandemic, many people speculated that there would be a baby boom next winter.
Experts now say that probably won’t happen. Research has shown that baby booms sometimes
follow low-severity stressful events that end quickly—like the threat of a tropical storm—
because people respond emotionally. But when the trauma is intense and remains high over
time—such as after Sept. 11—there’s typically no baby boom. People are too anxious to think
much about sex. And they question the wisdom of bringing a baby into the world. In the case of
the coronavirus, there are also worries about whether a pregnancy, and baby, would be healthy.

https://www.wsj.com/articles/sex-in-the-time-of-coronavirus-11587301200?mod=hp_lead_pos8 1/5
4/19/2020 Sex in the Time of Coronavirus - WSJ

“A state of high threat, characterized by stress or anxiety, is not conducive to having sex,” says
Justin Garcia, acting executive director and research director of the Kinsey Institute at Indiana
University, in Bloomington, Ind. “There’s a reason gazelles don’t mate a few feet in front of a
lion.”
CORONAVIRUS
LIVE UPDATES SYMPTOMS WHO'S HIRING YOU ASK, WE ANSWER STATE LOCKDOWNS
Free Resources
‘If you are sittingTESTING
and having dinner together and
AND TREATMENT breathing
DAILY BRIEFING on each other, you might as well have sex’
EN ESPAÑOL

— Dr. Lauren Streicher

There’s another factor at play, too, Dr. Garcia says. Humans have evolved to have a disgust
response, an innate tendency to avoid things that have the potential for disease transmission.
This is why we’re grossed out by feces or maggots or rotten food. And it’s why we might be
turned off by the idea of kissing right now: Our lover could unknowingly harm us.

Last month, Dr. Garcia and colleagues at the Kinsey Institute launched an online study called
“Sex and Relationships in the Time of Covid-19.” The initial results, of a sample of 1,200
participants, show that half are having less sex since the pandemic began. Yet, those who are
still having sex are often trying something new, especially among younger adults, people living
alone, those who feel lonely, and risk-takers. The most common new activities were sexting,
sending nude photos to someone else, trying a new sexual position and sharing fantasies with a
partner. But some people were experimenting with activities that are not overtly sexual, such
as taking a bath or shower with a partner.

Is sex safe now, though? In March, the New York City Health Department put out guidelines on
sex and Covid-19. Doctors caution that the coronavirus is new, so the data so far is incomplete.
The virus has not been identified in semen or vaginal lubrication, doctors say. However, it can
be transmitted via saliva and breath, and research has found the virus in the stool of some
patients. In other words, the actual act of intercourse isn’t dangerous. But getting close enough
to breathe on another person or swap spit is.

“The decision to have sex is not very different from the decision you make to be in the same
room or be closer than 6 feet with a person,” says Lauren Streicher, clinical professor of
obstetrics and gynecology at Northwestern University’s Feinberg School of Medicine. “The risk
is the same.”

To help people navigate this, Dr. Streicher divides sexual activities into three categories:
absolutely OK, probably OK, and absolutely not OK. Masturbation—at least 6 feet away from
your partner—is absolutely OK. Also perfectly safe: “If you and your partner are essentially on a
desert island and have no contact with the outside world at all,” Dr. Streicher says.

It is probably OK, Dr. Streicher says, to have sex with a partner you live with, or who is your
regular partner, if you are monogamous and have both been doing an excellent job of social

https://www.wsj.com/articles/sex-in-the-time-of-coronavirus-11587301200?mod=hp_lead_pos8 2/5
4/19/2020 Sex in the Time of Coronavirus - WSJ

distancing from others. “If you are sitting and having dinner together and breathing on each
other, you might as well have sex,” Dr. Streicher says.

It’s absolutely not OK to have sex with someone who has symptoms. And this is not the time for
CORONAVIRUS
says. SYMPTOMS
LIVE UPDATES
a new partner, Dr. Streicher
Free Resources
WHO'S HIRING YOU ASK, WE ANSWER STATE LOCKDOWNS

TESTING AND TREATMENT DAILY BRIEFING EN ESPAÑOL

Many experts suggest using technology, such as sexting, virtual sex, video or phone sex, or toys
that can be operated remotely. But these options aren’t for everyone. First, your libido would
already need to be healthy. And they don’t allow for one of the most important aspects of sex,
something people especially crave right now: physical touch and a sense of connection. “Sex is
meant to be close,” says Susan Orenstein, a psychologist and sex therapist in Cary, N.C. “For
many people, it’s the tenderness, looking into each other’s eyes, pillow talk, attention and
comfort that is important.”

So how can you bring sexy back?

One way: a concept called mindful sex. The idea has been around awhile. In 2002, Lori Brotto, a
clinical psychologist who is now a professor of gynecology at the University of British
Columbia, in Vancouver, started using mindfulness—a technique that evolved from meditation
—to help female cancer survivors regain their ability to become sexually aroused. Dr. Brotto has
developed an eight-session in-office program. And there is a form of cognitive behavioral
therapy called mindfulness-based sex therapy.

SHARE YOUR THOUGHTS

How has the pandemic a ected your relationship? Join the conversation below.

There are two core concepts: Focus on the present moment. And practice being nonjudgmental
and compassionate. Techniques include doing a mental scan of your body, to identify tense
areas; observing your breath; and focusing your attention on touch when your mind starts to
wander with anxiety.

A caveat: Therapists advise that when you’re not feeling up for sex, just don’t do it—and don’t
let that stress you out. It’s OK to give yourself a pass and find other ways to connect.

Dr. Brotto says mindful sex techniques are especially well-suited to the current moment, as they
can help calm the nervous system and allow people to better focus on connecting with a
partner. They can also help people address negative feelings, such as fear or guilt.

Mr. Anwar describes his pre-quarantine sex life with his girlfriend, whom he has lived with for
eight years, as “steamy.” The couple typically had sex four to five times a week, he says. To get

https://www.wsj.com/articles/sex-in-the-time-of-coronavirus-11587301200?mod=hp_lead_pos8 3/5
4/19/2020 Sex in the Time of Coronavirus - WSJ

in the mood, they cooked together or went out to eat. In the bedroom, Mr. Anwar says, they
enjoyed kissing, caressing and cuddling. “After nine years, I know what turns her on and she
knows what turns me on,” he says.
CORONAVIRUS SYMPTOMS WHO'S HIRING YOU ASK, WE ANSWER STATE LOCKDOWNS
LIVE UPDATES
Free Resources
TESTING AND TREATMENT DAILY BRIEFING EN ESPAÑOL

The pandemic has changed all that. Gripped by stress and the fear that they might
inadvertently make each other ill, the couple has sex now just about once a week, if that. Even
when they are intimate, it’s not like it was before, Mr. Anwar says. Instead of spontaneously
starting to make out, now one person will ask: “Do you want to have sex?” They avoid kissing
and are careful not to breathe in each other’s faces. “It’s all very mechanical now,” Mr. Anwar
says.

To recapture their passion, the couple is trying to replicate what they used to do to get in the
mood. Although they’re staying home, they dress up in the clothes they would normally wear
out for a night on the town. They set a pretty table, cook a nice dinner—steak or chicken with
mashed potatoes and roasted vegetables—and turn on some Rachmaninoff.

And they talk. “We acknowledge the fact that this is temporary,” Mr. Anwar says. “We will have
that passionate sex again. Things will get back to normal.”

Practicing ‘Mindful Sex’

Don’t do it if you don’t want to. If sex is going to make you feel even more anxious later, because
you’re worried you did something dangerous, skip it. Don’t beat yourself up or feel guilty for
not pleasing your partner.

Start practicing mindfulness outside the bedroom. There are many apps, such as Headspace,
that have guided meditations that teach you to pay attention to your body and the moment.
“This reduces over-activation in the brain and enhances our ability to cope with stress,” says
Lori Brotto, a clinical psychologist and professor of gynecology at the University of British
Columbia.

Decide why you want to have sex. Do you want to connect with your partner? Manage stress?
Take a midday break? Knowing why it’s important to you right now keeps you focused on the
present and helps prevent your mind from racing.

Remind yourself that it’s OK if it’s not great. With all the extraordinary underlying stress right
now, not many people are having great sex. It’s OK if it isn’t as wonderful as it used to be.
https://www.wsj.com/articles/sex-in-the-time-of-coronavirus-11587301200?mod=hp_lead_pos8 4/5
4/19/2020 Sex in the Time of Coronavirus - WSJ

Lowering the pressure on yourself will help you relax. “If we live long enough, we will all go
through times when our sex life is not mind-blowing,” says Susan Orenstein, a sex therapist in
Cary, N.C. “Learn to enjoy your body for what it has to offer now.”
CORONAVIRUS
Have compassion forLIVE
Free Resources
partner.SYMPTOMS
UPDATES
your WHO'S
Most people HIRING
aren’t feelingYOU ASK,best
their WE ANSWER STATE
right now, LOCKDOWNS
physically
or mentally. Many are a bit
TESTING unkempt,
AND TREATMENTand some are
DAILY struggling
BRIEFING with body image. Be
EN ESPAÑOL
understanding and not dismissive of a partner’s concerns. And if you’re having trouble
focusing, assure your partner it is not his or her fault.

Breathe. Slowly and deeply. (That sounds sexy, right?) By observing your breathing, you can
calm your nervous system.

Focus on your body. Mentally scan it. Are there areas that are tense? Noticing them, Dr. Brotto
says, reduces activity in the emotional center of the brain. This leads to corresponding changes
in the body: Less cortisol, the stress hormone. Fewer stress-related neurotransmitters. Less
muscle tension.

Pay attention to touch. If your mind wanders and you have anxious thoughts, immediately
direct it back to the present before it has time to escalate the worry. It’s hard for your brain to
focus on pleasure and worry at the same time.

Open your eyes. Make gentle eye contact with your partner. Giving someone your full attention
is one of the best ways to show love. Mutual eye contact is sexy.

Broaden your repertoire. If you’re having sex during the pandemic, use the time to explore and
connect. New activities don’t have to be overtly sexual—you could try a bubble bath or a
massage. Research shows that trying new activities, sexual or not, can invigorate a
relationship. Just remember not to judge your partner’s tastes or desires.

Write to Elizabeth Bernstein at elizabeth.bernstein@wsj.com or follow her on Facebook,

Twitter or Instagram at EBernsteinWSJ.

Copyright © 2020 Dow Jones & Company, Inc. All Rights Reserved

This copy is for your personal, non-commercial use only. To order presentation-ready copies for distribution to your colleagues, clients or customers visit
https://www.djreprints.com.

https://www.wsj.com/articles/sex-in-the-time-of-coronavirus-11587301200?mod=hp_lead_pos8 5/5