3 Factors contribute to wholesome and effective relationships: self-awareness, active listening, and

harmonious assertiveness.

 Why Important
 Three Levels of Listening
 Benefits of Active Listening
 How to Actively Listen
 The Art of Inner Listening
 Quotations

I. Why Important

Listening is a vital part of effective communication and relationship. Without listening, for example,
one cannot really love. Without listening, parents often find their children difficult to handle or
discipline, and they feel surprised that the children turn out to be wayward. Listening has a
therapeutic effect. It is a doorway to self-awareness.

II. Three Levels of Listening

Hearing – the words are heard but not understood or are ignored.
Listening to the meaning – the meaning of the words are understood.
Listening to the meaning and other non-verbal messages – including the hesitation, the feelings, the
tone, etc., of the speaker.

III. Benefits of Active Listening

The other persons feels that you really care

Genuine communication is established
You become more effective with your family, your work or career
You can resolve conflicts more easily
You enhance your own self-awareness and spirituality
IV. How to Actively Listen

Look at the person, and suspend other things you are doing.

Avoid reading a newspaper while listening to your child. Put down the paper, look at your child, and
listen intently. Listen not merely to the words, but the feeling content.

A large part of human communication is not verbal. It includes the tone of voice, gestures, body
language, inflections, etc. They often reveal the unspoken message of the speaker: anger, irritation,
sadness, fear, etc. These non-verbal messages may be far more important than the words used. Be
sensitive to them. If your son asks you if you are busy, it may be a cue that there is something
important he wants to discuss with you.
Be sincerely interested in what the other person is talking about.
This is a hard part for many people, because they become bored listening to the opinions and woes
of others. But remember that 1) you can always learn something from anyone, including small
children; 2) you are doing service by really listening.
Restate what the person said.

This is a way of letting the person know that you understood not only the words but also the intent of
the speaker. This is very important especially when there is conflict or when the other party is
hostile. The usual tendency is to answer immediately the allegation of the other person. This creates
further tension and distance. On the other hand, if the response is a restatement of what was said,
the atmosphere gets less tense and the other person feels that you are sympathetic, even if you may
not agree.
Example: A customer is complaining about poor service, you may say: “You feel that our staff have
not been attentive to your inquiries.” In saying so, you are not saying that you agree or disagree, but
that you understand her feelings.

Ask clarificatory questions once in a while.

This will let the other person know that you are actively listening and that you are really interested in
what he is saying.
Be aware of your own feelings and strong opinions.

When we are not aware of our own feelings and strong opinions, we tend to express whatever
reactions which may arise within us while we listen. Such reactions may cut off effective
communication. Someone may be stating his religious views which you happen to disagree with. An
initial impulse is to express your disagreement, which only starts an argument that may just harm
your relationship but will convince neither you nor him. Be aware then that while you disagree, this is
not the time to say so, but rather to understand the other person.
Example: Your daughter decides not to go to school. You are angry and you want to scold and
lecture to her. By giving vent to your anger, you may fail to understand the real reason why your
daughter does not want to go to school, for she may be afraid that you will get more angry.

If you have to state your views, say them only after you have listened .

If someone speaks about an accident while he was riding a car, you may have a tendency to
interrupt and tell him about your own experience when you had an accident. Let him finish first, and
if you feel it is helpful, then relate your own experience.
V. The Art of Inner Listening

Genuine listening opens the door to self-awareness: awareness of our own feelings, thoughts and
motives. In effect we are also listening and sensitive to our own inner states. This in itself is a very
important path to discovery. It is the gateway to clarifying our own values, dealing with our own inner
conflicts, and discovery our own intuition and spirituality.

VI. Quotations

Research shows that you have a greater impact on people by how you listen than by what you say.
— Steven W. Vannoy, The 10 Greatest Gifts I Give My Children
We could put up ten-foot banners around the house reminding our children how much we love them
or how special they are, and yet these will have far less impact than a simple act of truly listening.
Steven W. Vannoy, The 10 Greatest Gifts I Give My Children

Most of the successful people I’ve known are the ones who do more listening than talking.
Bernard Baruch

It is the province of knowledge to speak, and it is the privilege of wisdom to listen.

Oliver Wendell Homes, Sr.

I know how to listen when clever men are talking. That is the secret of what you call my influence.
Sudermann

Dear Lord, make me a better parent, … Teach me to understand my children, to listen patiently to
what they have to say and to answer all their questions kindly. Keep me from interrupting them,
talking back to them, and contradicting them. Make me as courteous to them as I would have them
to be to me.
Gary Cleveland Myers

The art of conversation consists as much of listening politely as in talking agreeably.

George Atwell

Wisdom is the reward you get for a lifetime of listening when you’d preferred to talk.
Doug Larson

I have learned that the head does not hear anything until the heart has listened. And what the heart
knows today the head will understand tomorrow.
James Stevens

It takes a great man to make a good listener.

Sir Arthur Helps

Source: Theosophical Society in the Philippines

When a Friend Listened to Me with an Open Mind

In our own life we all have experienced the importance of feeling heard. When someone
is listening to us deeply and sincerely, we are able to express ourselves, we lower our
defenses, we take down our masks. I remember such a moment in my own life. A few
years ago I was going through a very unsettling time; my own version of a mid-life crisis.
I had so many things to figure out that my emotions and thoughts were fogged by
confusion. One afternoon, I took a walk with a friend. It proved to be a game changer.
My friend listened to me with a sincere heart and with an open mind, free of
assumptions and judgment. I was thus able to utter what was going on deep inside
myself and as I was talking, I started to put some order in my thoughts and emotions.
Some clarity begun to emerge and I was able to figure out the next small step I would
take in my life. A great and empowering journey thus begun, that eventually brought me
to the happy and fulfilling life I have today. I was able to evolve, because I had found
someone ready to hear me, and I continue to enjoy my own evolution, spurred by a
desire for constant personal growth.

First Step to Become a Good Listener

Change begins with deep listening. But how can we become good listeners? Good
communication with others requires first and foremost good communication within
ourselves. In other words, to become good listeners we need first to be aware of the
filters that color our own communication style.

Our previous experiences, believes, values, assumptions, judgments and bias influence

the quality of our listening. Whenever we listen to something, we evaluate what we are
hearing and this in turn triggers our emotional reactions and our judgment. If we hear
something that contradicts our values or our interests, we tend to react, by becoming
defensive; our ability to be effective listeners is hostage of our own filters. As a
consequence, our capacity to build meaningful relations, even with the people we love,
our ability to lead effectively, to be a catalyst of change, to make a positive contribution,
is negatively affected.

To become aware of the barriers to an effective communication that lay deep within
ourselves is therefore a first and necessary step to become great listeners. We need to
become aware of how our life experiences, our gender, our race, our social status,
our education, our religion, our failures, our fears can affect our ability to listening
deeply to the other party.

Self-Awareness and Deep Listening

Self-awareness allows for a listening that is free of assumptions and judgments that
compromise a healthy communication. Before we are able to listen deeply to others, we
need to learn how to listen deeply to ourselves. It is this self-awareness that helps us to
understand the other’s frame of reference.

Deep listening is transformative, but transformation begins with the development of self-
awareness, that is with the capacity to listen to ourselves.

Source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/turning-point/201404/how-self-awareness-leads-
effective-communication
Listening is one of the most important skills you can have. How
well you listen has a major impact on your job effectiveness, and
on the quality of your relationships with others.
For instance:

 We listen to obtain information.

 We listen to understand.
 We listen for enjoyment.
 We listen to learn.
Given all this listening we do, you would think we'd be good at it! In fact most
of us are not, and research suggests that we remember between 25 percent
and 50 percent of what we hear. That means that when you talk to your boss,
colleagues, customers or spouse for 10 minutes, they pay attention to less
than half of the conversation. This is dismal!

Turn it around and it reveals that when you are receiving directions or being
presented with information, you aren't hearing the whole message either. You
hope the important parts are captured in your 25-50 percent, but what if
they're not?

Clearly, listening is a skill that we can all benefit from improving. By becoming
a better listener, you will improve your productivity, as well as your ability to
influence, persuade and negotiate. What's more, you'll avoid conflict and
misunderstandings. All of these are necessary for workplace success!

Tip:
Good communication skills require a high level of self-awareness  . By
understanding your personal style of communicating, you will go a long
way towards creating good and lasting impressions with others.

About Active Listening

The way to improve your listening skills is to practice "active listening." This is
where you make a conscious effort to hear not only the words that another
person is saying but, more importantly, try to understand the complete
message being sent.

In order to do this you must pay attention to the other person very carefully.

You cannot allow yourself to become distracted by whatever else may be

going on around you, or by forming counter arguments that you'll make when
the other person stops speaking. Nor can you allow yourself to get bored, and
lose focus on what the other person is saying. All of these contribute to a lack
of listening and understanding.

Tip:
If you're finding it particularly difficult to concentrate on what someone is
saying, try repeating their words mentally as they say them – this will
reinforce their message and help you stay focused.
To enhance your listening skills, you need to let the other person know that
you are listening to what he or she is saying. To understand the importance of
this, ask yourself if you've ever been engaged in a conversation when you
wondered if the other person was listening to what you were saying. You
wonder if your message is getting across, or if it's even worthwhile continuing
to speak. It feels like talking to a brick wall and it's something you want to
avoid.
Source: https://www.mindtools.com/CommSkll/ActiveListening.htm
It is easy to perform routine tasks while listening to students. In fact, at times
teachers are evaluated for their multitasking ability; however, unless you appear
to be completely focused on the student speaking to you, he is apt to think you
care neither about what he is saying or him. Consequently, in addition to
really listening to students, we must also show we are really listening.

An effective way to demonstrate your attentiveness is to use active listening, a

technique extraordinary for:

 gaining self-understanding
 improving relationships
 making people feel understood
 making people feel cared about
 the ease with which it is learned

By using active listening with students, you build the relationship of trust and
caring essential to students' motivation to learn. By teaching active
listening, you help students overcome poor listening habits such as:

 "Turning a speaker off and dwelling on the plethora of internal

distractions we all have.
 Letting an early remark of a speaker, with which one disagrees, develop
a prejudice which clouds or puts a stop to any further listening.
 Allowing personal characteristics of the speaker or his poor delivery to
prevent understanding."

Since these poor listening habits interfere with classroom learning as well as

interpersonal communication, learning active listening, specifically,
the feedback step, may also improve students' study skills. In the feedback step,
the listener summarizes or paraphrases the speaker's literal and implied message.

For example, in the following dialog, Para provides feedback to a student by

guessing the student's implied message and then asking for confirmation.

"Student: I don't like this school as much as my old one. People are not very
nice.
Para: You are unhappy at this school?
Student: Yeah. I haven't made any good friends. No one includes me.
Para: You feel left out here?
Student: Yeah. I wish I knew more people."
Although some people recommend giving feedback with a statement rather than
a question, the objective remains the same--to clarify either the factual and/or
emotional content of the message. By refining the listener's interpretation of his
statements, the speaker gains greater insight about his own feelings, he may reap
benefits of a catharsis, and he knows the listener is really paying attention to him.
The listener improves his ability to focus on a speaker and to think about implied
meanings.

ACTIVE LISTENING STEPS

Although the feedback step is at the heart of active listening, to be effective, take
each of the following steps:

1. Look at the person, and suspend other things you are doing.
2. Listen not merely to the words, but the feeling content.
3. Be sincerely interested in what the other person is talking about.

1. Restate what the person said.

2. Ask clarification questions once in a while.
3. Be aware of your own feelings and strong opinions.
4. If you have to state your views, say them only after you have listened.

These steps, quoted from The Self-Transformation Series, Issue no. 13,

are simple; however, becoming skilled in active listening requires considerable
practice after the purpose and steps are thoroughly explained and examples are
analyzed.

Performing the steps effectively depends on skill in giving appropriate feedback

and sending appropriate verbal and non-verbal signals.

Verbal Signals

 'I'm listening' cues

 Disclosures
 Validating Statements
 Statements of Support
 Reflection/mirroring Statements

Non-Verbal Signals

 Good eye contact

 Facial expressions
 Body language
  Silence
 Touching

Source: https://www.thoughtco.com/active-listening-for-the-classroom-6385

ACTIVITY
Active Listening....

Buffy suggests: "Something I recently used with great succcess for getting the message
across about Active Listening is below:

 Group split into pairs, A & B

 Take Bs out of the room and ask to wait outside
 Inform the As that whilst they are listening to their partner, everytime their partner
says something that evokes their 'inner voice' i.e. they want to ask a question,
makes them think about something etc... they put their hand up for five seconds
then put it back down.
 Ask them to do this for the entire conversation - As are not allowed to interact
with Bs, ask questions, affirm understanding etc.. As remain silent, just raising
their hand everytime their inner voice kicks in.
 Next inform the Bs outside that they are to speak to As about something of
interest, an experience, their last holiday anything positive that has happened to
them in the last six months. They have three minutes to talk.
 Ask Bs back into the room, then allow three minutes of talking from Bs.
 At the end of the three minutes ask the Bs how they felt whilst talking to A,
emotions evoked etc... general answers back are normally 'didn't feel listened too,
didn't understand why they were putting their hand up, lost my train of thought
becuase they obviously weren't listening,' etc...

You can also ask the As to not only raise their hand, but also lose focus, i.e. start staring
out the window, become transfixed with the detail on their partner's jacket, etc...another
obvious distraction to their listening.

It's a great simple, quick exercise to run, and then to talk with the group about the power
of active listening afterwards.

You can run the exercise again, this time allowing the As to interact, ask questions,
become involved in the conversation etc... and compare the two conversations, which was
more satisfying etc..."
Active Listening Skills
K.Shankar Ram adds: "After asking the group to do an exercise as recommended (A &
B) I do this which brings out the importance of listening:

 I ask all the members to write the names of three people whom they consider as
good listeners. I personally check with each participant if they have written three
names (some find it difficult) then I ask the group if anyone has written the name
of the person whom they don't like. Usually nobody writes the name of the person
whom they don't like.
 Then I ask if the three people they have written, come in the in any one of these
categories: liked by them, loved by them or respected by them. The response
normally is yes. Even if someone writes the name of the person whom they don't
like, that person will come in the group of people respected by the participant.
 Now I ask them, if they are to be liked or loved or respected by others, how should
they be?
 They see the point that they need to be good listeners if they are to be liked, loved
or respected by others."

Round Robin exercise

'graham.fear' advises:

 Delegates are given a topic to discuss.

 At various points the trainer says 'stop', at which point the next delegate in line
must continue the last delegates sentence starting with their last few words.
 Once the group gets the hang of this, instead of following the same pattern (1 to 2
to 3 to 4 to 1 etc) the trainer names who has to continue next part of the statement,
forcing all delegates to listen closely to what everyone is saying instead of just the
person before them.
"Though some of the delegates may not like this exercise, I feel that its a good one, as it
tests product knowledge while also promoting active listening. Initially all groups started
somewhat shakily, but with the exception of one person everyone picked up the idea
quickly and were able to do the task, and a marked improvement in responses and flow
was seen as the exercise went on. As a group exercise it can be fun, and even
competitive, and after a good smoothly completed topic there was an obvious sense of
achievement and satisfaction."
Presentation
Rus says:

 "If you want to test the listening skills of delegates then you could try a two
minute "presentation" followed by eight minutes of theory "lecture".
 Then ask the delegates to recall as much of the two minute presentation as they
can.
 You will have ten minutes to draw out their recollections and to assess why they
remembered bits and why they forgot bits (the "lecture" is only there to provide
them with some opportunity to forget).
 Interestingly you will probably be able to include the visual signals that aided
memory/understanding...listening with their eyes..."

A time you weren't listened to

Derek suggests:

 "Ask people to think of a time when they felt they weren't listened to (could be
work, family, doctors, shopping etc)
 Split into pairs and share stories, the listener must try and identify 2 things: what
the person in the story did that demonstrated non-listening and what impact this
had on the speaker (usually they feel devalued, angry, upset, hurt).
 To debrief you can gather all the ideas together and develop some principles of
good listening by reversing what happened in the stories."

Bus driver exercise

 Tell the group that you will be asking questions on what they are about to hear and
that they can take notes if they wish.
 Start by saying you are the bus driver.
 You then read out a bus route, for example: You are the bus driver at stop no 1,
three people got on the bus, one of them was wearing a red hat.
 At stop 2, four people got on and one got off.
 At stop 3, two people got on, one person was carring a bag and the person with the
red hat got off.
 Continue with this detailed theme.
 When you have finished you ask the question: What is the bus drivers age? The
majority of people will not have heard the opening line: "you are bus driver".