How Dating and Self-Improvement Go Hand-in-Hand

Posted By: Kelly Seal Date: 09-05-2018 Comments: 1

Many people seek self-improvement to heal and find joy, whether it’s by going to therapy, practicing
meditation, or adopting daily habits of self-care. Self-improvement is definitely a positive, and leads to a
happier existence. However, what happens to our relationships when we focus too much on ourselves?
Does our desire for personal growth end up interfering with our ability – or desire – to form intimate
relationships with others?

One could argue both ways. When your focus your attention only on your own needs, it seems counter-
productive to dating and forming relationships. After all, it’s harder to connect when you are wrapped
up in your personal goals and happiness so much that you don’t pay attention to your date. On the other
hand, if you don’t do some self-reflection to change negative patterns in your life, you will face the same
challenges over and over again, limiting your ability to seek a happy long-term partnership.

So is it better to just refrain from dating when you’re working on self-improvement? Or can dating and
self-improvement go hand-in-hand, and how?

I think you can absolutely do both, and that part of our personal development depends on how we
relate to others. Following are some ways dating and forming romantic relationships can help us with
self-improvement:

Relationships provide a mirror.

Let’s look at things from a practical perspective. We are here in the world, struggling with life’s daily
challenges while still seeking joy. When we connect with people, it adds to our existence, and it also
pushes us to grow. We are social creatures by nature, and we understand ourselves better in the context
of relationships, whether they are friendships, romantic partnerships, or family.

When you date it provides a built-in opportunity for self-improvement. You can work on your social
skills, challenge your insecurities, or face your fears – whatever pushes you. Instead of looking at your
date’s flaws or strengths and comparing them to some ideal, you can use the date as an exercise for you
to grow – to open up, to share, to be more engaged and see what happens.
Relationships are great teachers.

When you have enough distance from a previous love, perhaps you can look back and think about what
you learned. For instance, if she cheated on you, then you learned to be more discerning, or to state
your feelings and talk through issues rather than just ignoring them. Or if you felt disrespected in a
previous relationship, you know that going into the next one, you won’t sacrifice so much of yourself,
and remember to take care of your own needs.

When you date, you have an opportunity to let go of old hurts and make room for new experiences. So
try this as part of your self-improvement strategy: write down 10 things you’ve learned from previous
relationships. Then write 10 things you desire in a future partner. Knowing what you want and seeing
how far you’ve come are keys to growth.

Dating means no more excuses.

Many people resist dating when they are working on self-improvement. It provides a way to avoid the
challenges of relationships and potentially getting hurt. This doesn’t help with your self-improvement
journey; in fact, it can set you back.

Following are some reasons you might use to avoid relationships:

I’m waiting for the right person.

I’m happier being alone than in another bad relationship.

Until I’ve worked out my issues, I can’t have a healthy relationship.

I don’t want to lose my independence.

When you make excuses to avoid dating, you’re holding back your own growth. The true self-
improvement challenge is allowing yourself to be vulnerable, and to face getting hurt or rejected. It’s a
tough lesson but it’s the only path forward to love. Instead of avoiding it, try embracing it – let down
your armor, because this is what allows two people to truly connect.
Applaud yourself for wanting to improve, for craving health and happiness, for choosing a more difficult
yet fulfilling path in life. But most importantly, enjoy the process – you are meant to find joy even when
you experience life’s challenges. Personal growth is its own reward.

You may like to read our page on Living Well, Living Ethically for more about how you can develop the
‘virtues’ that will help you to live a good life both within and beyond relationships with others. These
personal skills may sound old-fashioned, but they are likely to be the foundation of a life well-lived,
whether alone or in partnership with someone else.

What is a healthy relationship?

A healthy relationship is when two people develop a connection based on:

Mutual respect

Trust

Honesty

Support

Fairness/equality

Separate identities

Good communication

A sense of playfulness/fondness

Don’t make your search for a relationship the center of your life. Concentrate on activities you enjoy,
your career, health, and relationships with family and friends. When you focus on keeping yourself
happy, it will keep your life balanced and make you a more interesting person when you do meet
someone special.
Be curious. When you’re truly curious about someone else’s thoughts, feelings, experiences, stories, and
opinions, it shows—and they’ll like you for it. You’ll come across as far more attractive and interesting
than if you spend your time trying to promote yourself to your date. And if you aren’t genuinely
interested in your date, there’s little point in pursuing the relationship further.

Pay attention. Make an effort to truly listen to the other person. By paying close attention to what they
say, do, and how they interact, you’ll quickly get to know them. Little things go a long way, such as
remembering someone’s preferences, the stories they’ve told you, and what’s going on in their life.

Nonverbal communication—subtle gestures, expressions, and other visual cues—tell us a lot about
another person, but they’re easy to miss unless you’re tuned in.

ake having fun your focus. By pursuing activities you enjoy and putting yourself in new environments,
you’ll meet new people who share similar interests and values. Even if you don’t find someone special,
you will still have enjoyed yourself and maybe forged new friendships as well.

Tips for finding fun activities and like-minded people:

Volunteer for a favorite charity, animal shelter, or political campaign. Or even try a volunteer vacation
(for details see Resources section below).

Take an extension course at a local college or university.

Sign up for dance, cooking, or art classes.

Join a running club, hiking group, cycling group, or sports team.

Join a theater group, film group, or attend a panel discussion at a museum.

Find a local book group or photography club.

Attend local food and wine tasting events or art gallery openings.

Be creative: Write a list of activities available in your area and, with your eyes closed, randomly put a pin
in one, even if it’s something you would never normally consider. How about pole dancing, origami, or
lawn bowling? Getting out of your comfort zone can be rewarding in itself.

staying positive and being honest with yourself and others, handling rejection can be far less
intimidating. The key is to accept that rejection is an inevitable part of dating but to not spend too much
time worrying about it. It’s never fatal.

Why Dating Is So Important for

Personal Development

dating gives us not only a precious experience for self-development but also a motivation for further
improvement.

International dating

We live in a global world. And we have to admit it becomes more and more comfortable. The distance
and traveling is no longer a problem. Did you know that in 1830s it took people 2 weeks to get from New
York to Illinois? 336 hours! Now it’s like 2,5 hours’ flight.

It facilitates our international communication experience. So, why an international dating is a good idea?
First of all, you dive into a new culture, you learn their traditions and philosophy. You have a great
chance to get something completely new for yourself. It’s something you wouldn’t be able to get in your
country.

So, as we can see, dating has various important functions and a great impact. Not only it helps to find
our soulmate, but it helps us to learn, grow, develop and share. Keep dating and improve yourself!
Stage 4: Commitment or Engagement

At this stage in a relationship, couples should have a good understanding of their partner’s values, life
style, and goals for the future. There should be a relationship with each other’s family and friends.

What Does It Really Mean To "Focus On Yourself"?

To start, you've got to separate your life into quadrants: your relationships, overall physical wellbeing,
mental state (including emotional health and anything that stimulates you intellectually), and
community or spirit, Boykin says. Then, think about which areas of life are going really well, and which
ones need extra support, she says. "If people are a little more intentional about choosing an area of
focus, it isn't overwhelming," she says. From there, you can take tangible steps to improve or foster the
quadrants that you feel need it the most.

Figure out how to have a balance and create structure in your life so you can have time alone and
connect with others, she says. It's kind of like the oxygen mask metaphor: You have to take care of
yourself first before you can take care of others.