Wilma

& Rena
(an Unconventional Rom Com)

a stage play by
Ben Vaserlan

1
 Rights and Royalties

* = with US copyright office ie www.copyright.gov

2
Characters

3
 ACT ONE

Act 1, VOLOS 1 (‘scene 0’) (1/1)

0: VOICE-OVER LADY (ON STAGE)

VOLOS walks on to center stage. She thus stands in front of stage

section 2 (Center Set).

VOICE-OVER LADY (ON STAGE): Hi, I’m the Voice-Over

Lady who will sometimes come out on stage to say the longer
bits. Here goes: this stageplay is adapted
from the playwright's screenplay. And in that screenplay’s
opening scene, there is a close-shot of an iPhone display.
[aside] Other phones are available ... [cough] Samsung.
[cough] [turn back to pre-aside pose] [back on track] Sorry. In
the next scene, the phone will be thrust into a lecherous man's
face. This is what the creep will see.

She pulls the curtain down/across to reveal a painting of the phone

finger ie the ‘finger’ on an iPhone screen. A painting large
enough to be seen at the back of the audience ... even though they
should have got a playbill. ;)

This painting is for those that didn't get a playbill. [realization]

I’ve got to go; they’re waiting to start. Bye for now. [with a
comically* deep voice, do an impression of Arnold
Schwarzenegger] ‘I’ll be back’.

* = if done well, a woman imitating Arnold is funnier than a man

doing it. VOLOS and Footnote Lady are definitely female parts
that shouldn’t be recast as male.

She walks off stage.

CENTER SET: CURTAIN UP

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 Act 1, scene 1 (1/5)

1: INT. BAR - NIGHT

It is the year 2015. Rena Clefford thrusts an iPhone into a young

man’s face, or (more accurately) one foot away from it.

Note: Because Rena refers to it later in this scene, the young creep
must be sporting Justin Bieber’s non-current bowl-shaped
hairstyle.

Wilma: What part of ‘bleep off’ don’t you understand?

Rena is wearing a sexy low-cut dress but it’s cleavage with class ie
not too much.

Wilma turns to Rena.

You’re right: that predictive bleep app is useful.

Rena: Always got your back, babe.

Wilma reacts.

[to creep] So in summary: anything a man could do for me, I

already do for myself including the one thing that they are good
for ... as that ... can be replaced by batteries every time.

The young man’s reaction of realization is slow.

Rena notices the couple at the next table are amused by her
“batteries” line and realizes they are watching her and Wilma’s
altercation with the creep. Rena takes the opportunity to debut the
next 3 paragraphs of her stand-up comedy act to the on-looking
couple at the next table.

5
 Act 1, scene 1 (2/5)

Note: In the forthcoming (but don’t hold your breath) novel, the
couple are late middle-aged ie 55+. The man looks ex-military,
has a curly mustache and he has a blonde beehive-haired wife who
is still in good condition for her age. See Carol Royle at aged 58
for example.

That’s batteries in the monster sized: Vibrato Throbber 2000

AKA ‘The Beast’.

The couple at the next table are amused.

A classic piece of kit. Ten out of ten gold stars in Good

Vibrations magazine. [realization] I tell a lie: actually the
rating was ten gold cocks.

The couple at the next table are amused.

Yes, I could have got the eco-friendly solar-powered 3000 but

it’s not the sort of thing I’d like to leave charging up on the
window sill ... especially when the relatives drop by ...
unannounced.

Slight amusement from the couple at the next table.

And even when I know guests are coming, it’s not something I
want to have to have on my checklist: “Take Throbber out of
window as the nephew’s coming round at
1:15 for lunch.”

The couple at the next table are amused.

Lecherous Young Man: Gees - you milked that opportunity,

MILFy baby.

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 Act1, scene 1 (3/5)

Wilma sniggers.

Rena (DOB May 2nd 1973) looks at Wilma, becomes annoyed

(due to the expression on Wilma’s face) then looks back at the
creep.

Who’s standup routine did you lift that from?

Rena: My own.

Wilma coughs twice, politely.

Rena gestures to Wilma.

Our own – she writes it. Inspired by our life experience. You
see, you’re not the first cockhead drongo to have cracked on to
us. But getting back to the here-and-now of you being an
‘incompetent suitor’ and putting all your other failings aside,
I’ll say this: you’re also rather young for me or in other words,
Bieber: I don’t do nappies. [correcting herself] ‘Diapers’, to
you. I don’t do them. [getting back on track] So you, and your
non-current Justin Bieber hairstyle, can bleep off! [realization]
No wait. Some free advice: think before you act. Something
along the lines of
[does his voice] Maybe they don’t want some scrawny piece of
shi...

The young man really gets up in Rena’s face eg 6 inches away. He

also grabs Rena’s arm.

Lecherous Young Man: [interrupting] “Scrawny” – you bitch!

Wilma’s reaction: fear and anger. Wilma hits him with 3 or 4

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 Act 1, scene 1 (4/5)

Krav Maga moves.

The creep lies on the floor in agony.

Wilma: Never tread on a lady’s line, ass-hole. [to Rena] Are you
alright?
Rena: Yeah. [to young man] The “bitch” part is a punishable
offense also.

Rena kicks him in his sexual organs.

He feels the pain of it.

Wilma: [to Rena] Next time say “hittable offense”.

Rena: Duly noted. [to young man] You shouldn’t have got up in
my face.
Lecherous Young Man: [in pain] I’m not scrawny; I’m “wiry”.
Wilma: Like Adrien Brody in Predators.
Lecherous Young Man: [in pain] Yeah - he's me.

Wilma reacts to that sentiment from the creep.

Wilma: Unfortunately, you’ve not got his looks ...

Rena’s reaction: “ouch” sucking intake of breath.

... nor his acting ability ... I imagine.

Out of hearing range, Wilma notices ...

... a scared looking female bar staff member behind the bar
whispering to a male older bar staff member. They are both
looking at Wilma. He then picks up the landline on the wall

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 Act 1, scene 1 (5/5)

and makes a call whilst looking at them with a concerned

expression.

Wilma’s reaction: realization.

Wilma: [to Rena] Come on, TT, we’re out of here.

Rena: Don’t call me that!

Rena makes a noise of anguish then kicks the creep in the belly: a
kick with each word.

Rena: It ... really ... pisses ... me ... off.

Wilma: Sorry - forgot. Come on, Power Girl. Quit the
unnecessary roughness – let’s go.
Rena: [exasperated] Do we have to?
Wilma: Yes. We need to go before the cops come. I’ve just lip-
read a bartender calling them. So move it!
Rena: Roger. Only one more.

She does one more right in the crotch. It’s a big one. The scene
ends on the man’s pained reaction.

CENTER SET: LIGHTING OFF

CENTER SET: CURTAIN DOWN

VOICE-OVER LADY (OVER P.A. SYSTEM): The next scene

has been placed in a queue. Please hold. Ready. Later that
night.

RIGHT SET*: CURTAIN UP

* = Each stage section is behind its own individual curtain

throughout the play.
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 Act 1, Scene 2 (1/2)

2: INT. WILMA’S LOUNGE – NIGHT*

* = as can be inferred from the low lighting and from the

black in the ‘window’ (in/on the wall behind Wilma’s sofa)
representing a window view at night. Production note: if you’re
being economical with the budget, two paintings of a window
should suffice: one to represent day and one to represent night.
Just an option: if you want to get spoofy/‘metafictional’ (or
because your painted window doesn’t look good enough anyway),
you could put each painted window in a gold picture frame so that
it looks like what it is; a painting. Then you would hang the
picture frame to represent day then hang the one to represent
night. Or the picture frame could be double sided thus allowing
you to have ‘day’ on one side and ‘night’ on the other.

Wilma is asleep on the sofa: she tosses and turns. She is wearing
the same clothes she wore in the bar.

MALE VOICE (OVER P.A. SYSTEM): [electronically

distorted] Unable to regain control of her; she’s accessing more
temporal data, sir.

Wilma wakes up. From her side on the sofa, she picks up her
Samsung slate. She switches it on then types on the touch-screen
with 12 key strokes.

Wilma (piece to audience): [audience aside] [worried] You

didn’t see my passcode did you? Coz powerful opera glasses
are available these days. [dismisses the thought]
Paranoia on hold. [concerned] Sorry: I’m a little
discombobulated by my dream. Just give me a moment to ...
recombobulate. [takes a moment] I’ll tell you

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 Act 1, Scene 2 (2/2)

something: I keep `hearing “The Communist Federation of

Galaxies” in my dreams but I’m gonna call it “The Liberal
Federation” in my movie: Vaysuhlan and The Barduns.
[annoyed] Scratch that. I’ve got to be disciplined – not
undermine the dramatic level with self-indulgent facile humor.
I hate it when writers do that. [sighs] These dreams I have are
[trying to find the right words] ... amazing ... disturbances. The
most disconcerting thing is the logical intricacy. Unbelievably
intricate. I have a hard time believing I have a genius in my
unconscious. The single other alternative is less likely: a link to
... [being realistic] It’s so ridiculous. Forget what I said ...
but ... The odd thing is, I see it when I listen to The Prodigy: I
imagine the Fed Net – almost “see” the information. It’s like
KDE to the power 10. Wow. [realization then puts on a man’s
deep voice] “I must go into the Federation’s collective
unconscious.” [normal – for her ;)] – what the ... heck does that
mean? [realization smile] I dunno but it sounds cool dunnit.
[gesturing us away] Now [get pronounced “git”] get! – I need
to add this to my screenplay.

RIGHT SET: LIGHTS DOWN

VOICE-OVER LADY (OVER P.A. SYSTEM): Later that day.

That’s technically right: Wilma was up in the wee hours and it’s
now late afternoon.

Stage note: turn the painted window to ‘day’.

Costume changes: Rena is now in her She-Ra costume.

RIGHT SET: LIGHTS UP

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 Act 1, Scene 3 (1/5)

3: INT. WILMA’S LOUNGE – DAY

Wilma and Rena are sat on the sofa in mid conversation.

Rena is wearing a She-Ra costume which shows plenty of

cleavage.

Wilma: I’m not going near another X-ray nor MRI machine. I’ve
had two blow up on me already.

Rena reacts: skeptical but she lets it slide.

And if it happened again and the second hospital found out

about the previous two incidents at the first hospital, I reckon
the hypothetical second hospital could sue me for being a jinx.
[pause] Plus, I signed a confidentiality agreement with the first
hospital where the two incidents occurred. But Dario Nardi’s
EEG machine did work on me: he told me I had the flashiest
Christmas Tree he’d ever seen ... ie that I gained the highest
transcontextual thinking score he’d ever recorded on his box of
tricks. [smiling]
Rena, I don’t wanna keep discussing my peculiarities.

Rena is amused.

Wilma sees the amusement in Rena’s face and takes it well.

Rena: [gently ribbing Wilma] You mean, peculiarities such as you

wearing the same thing as last night?
Wilma: I’m not gonna discuss the nuances of my dry cleaning
system again. [looks at Rena’s She-Ra costume] Talking of
peculiarities, why are you wearing your She-Ra costume (for
tonight) now? It’s 6 hours before you need to.
Rena: Mate, I’m an E.S.F.J.* - I have ‘introverted sensing’ as
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 Act 1, Scene 3 (2/5)

my 2nd function. I’m breaking-in the costume now so I’ll feel

comfortable tonight when I’m singing then doing the [‘almost’
with a smile] almost overly elaborate standup comedy routine
you wrote for me.

* = it will help the performance of Rena if the Rena actress reads

the following profile: http://www.wikisocion.org/en/index.php?
title=ESE

And it will help if the Wilma actress reads this other profile:
http://www.wikisocion.org/en/index.php?title=ILE and also
researches Enneagram 8 ‘The Asserter’. The ILE E8 combination
is relatively rare amongst ILEs.

I suggest reading ‘The Enneagram Made Easy’. It is regarded by

many as an insightful and humorous book.

I also suggest reading the fun and easy to understand “What Type
am I?” by Renee Baron the co-writer of ‘The Enneagram Made
Easy’. ‘ILE’ is ‘ENTP’ in that book.

Wilma: [sighs and half joking] I wish I never got you into
socionics. Let’s get back to the movie.
Rena: Fine with me.
Wilma: Well, I’m now gonna call it “Vaysuhlan and the
Barduns”. I realize no decent female writer would have action
sequences in her work. But ... [defiant] ... Well, they’re gonna
be in mine coz I keep dreaming ’em. [realization] It’s
Wednesday [to Rena] - Woden’s day is
weighing day.

Rena reacts.

RIGHT SET: LIGHTS DOWN

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 Act 1, Scene 3 (3/5)

Production note: whilst lights are off, have one set of weighing
scales put in front of Wilma and another set in front of Rena.

RIGHT SET: LIGHTS UP

Wilma and Rena are both stood on their own individual weighing
scales. They are looking down at the scales.

Rena: Your weight has gone up.

Wilma reacts: she now looks none too pleased.

Wilma: By one ounce. I am wearing my heavy eyeglasses.

Rena reacts.

What about your weight reading there ... on your own trusty
scale - about twenty pounds of that is coz of your two big burly
friends, ...

Wilma gets off her weighing scale, turns to Rena then puts her
hands under Rena’s bust and lifts it up and down twice.

Rena reacts: half annoyed, half sexually aroused. It’s the

latter that she tries to hide from Wilma.

... TT.

Rena: Don’t call me that. [she gets off her scale] I wish I never
told you now. I told you I hated that nickname at school.
Wilma: [disbelieving] Yeah, it must have been terrible. [tries* to
do a teenage girl Australian accent] “Here she comes:
Titanic ...”

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 Act 1, Scene 3 (4/5)

* = doesn’t have to be done well/badly. Up to actress and/or

director how well it is done.

A look from Rena stops Wilma from saying it.

Alright – may I call you [pronouncing as separate letters]

‘A.B.’ instead?
Rena: “A.B.”?
Wilma: Yeah: Adjustable Boobage – when you lose weight,
your ... [searching for the right phrasing] ... ‘pink balloons’,
there, ‘deflate’, and when you put it back on again, your pink
balloons ‘inflate’. So (via dieting or stuffing your face) you can
have whatever size boobs you want (with no droop and both the
same size) and still have a nice slim figure. You know what
you are?
Rena: No, what?
Wilma: [with a smile] A lucky bitch that’s what.

Rena throws a sofa cushion at Wilma and they wrestle.

Rena: “Lucky?” – you gonna take that back?

With Rena on top of her, Wilma gets an eyeful of Rena’s

cleavage hanging over her. Wilma reacts to the cleavage.
Wilma’s unsure concern about what’s happening but then that’s
swamped by a funny line popping into her head.

Wilma: Hey, stop!

Rena stops.

I said nothing about having our very own personal Dub Dub E
“Divas Match”.

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 Act 1, Scene 3 (5/5) + Act 1, VOLOS 2 (‘Scene 3A’) (1/2)

Wilma finds her phunny funny and thus the incident is interpreted
in Wilma’s mind in humorous rather than sexual terms.

Rena reacts: trying to hide her undeclared love for Wilma. Rena
covers up with a half-forced amused smile. She releases
her hold on Wilma.

RIGHT SET: CURTAIN DOWN

Out of sight, Wilma actress strips down to her underwear and

waits in the house-left wing in order to enter thru the bedroom
door in a few minutes.

Each stage section is behind its own individual curtain.

3A: VOICE-OVER LADY (ON STAGE)

VOLOS (carrying a very long pointing stick) walks on to left stage.

She thus stands in front of stage section 1 (Left Set).

A painting is unveiled in front of stage section 2 (Center Set). The

painting depicts two tubes of lube. What VOLOS says is printed
on the tubes is indeed printed on the tubes. She uses her very long
pointing stick to point to the text she is reading out.

VOICE-OVER LADY (ON STAGE): There are two tubes of

lubricant in the next scene. In the movie version, there is a
close shot of them. I’m here to tell you what the movie
audience will see printed on the tubes with the aid of that
painting and this pointy stick. [points to the tube on the
left] The first tube is branded “Super Lube”, [points to the tube
on the right] the second is ... “Clinton’s Lubricant”.

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 Act 1, VOLOS 2 (‘Scene 3A’) (2/2) + Act 1, Scene 4 (1/7)

[points to the tube on the left] On the Super Lube tube is

printed “No friction burns or your money back”. [points to the
tube on the right] And under the BOGO ‘buy one get one ...
free’ sticker, on Clinton’s Lubricant, is the creepy endorsement
“Good stuff” ... by Hugh Heffner. [with comedic disgust]
Ewwwww. The very thought: a lubed up octogenarian.
[pause: pulling herself together] The ‘cut cut for time’ legal
disclaimer on the back is detailed in the forthcoming novel at
the end of Chapter 12 ie in a Chapter Endnote. [pause] The
next scene is back in Wilma’s bedroom.

VOLOS exits the stage taking her long pointy stick with her.

The painting is covered/removed. Whatever works best on stage.

LEFT SET: CURTAIN UP

4: INT. WILMA’S BEDROOM – DAY*

* = have Wilma’s window painting set to ‘day’.

On the wall of Wilma’s bedroom, are two posters: one of Sarah

Palin and one of Judge Andrew P Napolitano AKA @judgenap on
Twitter.

Rena is sat on the bed.

Rena is wearing a skin-tight pink top with no cleavage. Printed

across her bust is “unavailable;” then beneath that is printed “run
along now”.

Rena talks to the audience.

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 Act 1, Scene 4 (2/7)

Rena (piece to audience): Quite a bit has happened since you last
saw me: at the end of the aforementioned She-Ra standup
comedy routine ... I ... collapsed. Ménière's disease. Because I
was ill, Wilma didn’t want to go to the Doctor Who convention
without me but I persuaded her to go. Lucky for her because
she met Baldy Ben at the con.
[composing herself] So ever since that ‘cute-meet’, she’s been
in the bathroom ... erm ... ‘waxing’. You also never saw Wilma
putting Ben thru a “Values test” - a tough one. Wilma asked
him to refute Keynesianism and reconcile evolution with
creationism. And he was able to do it. Ben
also recognizes a woman’s right to carry a gun. And he thinks
former Australian Prime Minister John Howard (via his
unconstitutional federal gun laws) is the raper’s best friend.

Door opens. Wilma enters in her underwear.

Rena: [to Wilma] You were in there for ages.

Wilma: [feeling her sore crotch] A girl’s gotta do what a girl’s
gotta do.

Rena is briefly distracted by Wilma in just her bra and panties as

Wilma gets dressed.

Rena: [back on track] Now I can hear you properly, we can get
back on topic. I was about to tell you: I hate it when blokes do
that.
Wilma: What are you saying?
Rena: That I hope he didn’t come out with [spoof American man
voice] “rub it into your tits, babe, rub it into your tits ... like
Puma Swede, Kayla Kleevage or ... Comfy Cushions*”

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 Act 1, Scene 4 (3/7)

* = made up name.

Wilma reacts.

Wilma: No; that wasn’t the meaning I was going for.

Rena: [sheepish] Oh. Forget what I said. I’ve no idea who those
chicks are that I ... said: [pause: hoping to get away with her
slip of the tongue] ... none at all.
Wilma: [interrupts] I meant ... something came up emotionally:
he dissed My Little Pony.

Rena reacts: ‘thinking back’: 10 years old (which is a bit old but
Rena was born in 1973 and they were released in ’83) playing
with about 10 My Little Pony toys. Combing the pony toy’s mane
with a brush. Rena snaps out of the nostalgia.

Rena: [comical annoyance] Really? The beast. Are you sure this
bloke’s the one, Wilma?
Wilma: [amused] Yeah – Let me tell you how it went:
I played it real dominant up front so that I'd know if he was the
one.
Rena: [interrupting] The one who will do as he’s told?
Wilma: Well yes. Oh Rena, stop it. Y'know I need a man who
is ...
Rena: [interrupting] Totally obedient?
Wilma: Yes well, not just that.
Rena: [fearing he was good] What was he like in bed?
Wilma: Tremendous.

Rena reacts: Fear but (just in time) she conceals that from Wilma
with a smile ... but her eyes still show the fear.

But of course I didn't let him know that.

Rena: You gave him a ... [coining a new term] ... reverse fake
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 Act 1, Scene 4 (4/7)

orgasm?
Wilma: Yeah, I hid a real one.
Rena: What about all the orgasm type sounds?
Wilma: I just told him I felt a little stiff and tender from the gym
hence the oohh arrh. Though he might have become a bit
suspicious that he was doing the right thing.
Rena: Oh - why's that?
Wilma: Coz I squirted all over his face.

Wilma and Rena laugh.

Rena: Good on [not pronouncing the ‘ou’ part] you.

Amused, Wilma gets up and idles over to the waste paper basket.

Rena can’t take her eyes off Wilma.

Wilma: Y’know Rena, I never knew I was so sexy.

Rena reacts.

Wilma looks into the waste paper basket. It is full of paper and
other things. Wilma reacts. She goes thru it.

[said whilst looking into bin ie not looking at Rena] I knew I

was super sexy but I will tell you something here that possibly
makes me the sexiest woman in the world.

Rena’s reaction: she doesn’t disagree.

Wilma looking in the bin, reacts with disgust:

Ergghhhhhhh

20
 Act 1, Scene 4 (5/7)

Reveal: Wilma gets a used tissue stuck to her hand. Wilma tries to
shake it off.

Rena’s reaction: amusement.

Wilma after a lot of effort, she manages to shake off the tissue.
Wilma’s sigh of relief. Looks at Rena.

Rena’s reaction: amused. Smiles back at Wilma.

Wilma smiles back at Rena then continues to still go though the

waste paper basket. Wilma takes two objects out of the bin.
Wilma turns to look at Rena.

Brace yourself ... - I made Benji boy BLEEP four times in a

row.

Rena reacts.

[pause - to amuse Rena] And in the process, ...

Wilma stands up ...

... we got thru

... then like a pistol-packing cowgirl, draws [towards Rena] two

empty tubes of lubricant. The tubes are quite small. Two tubes of
lubricant come into view. One in each of Wilma’s hands.

... two tubes of lube.

Both of them are amused.

21
 Act 1, Scene 4 (6/7)

Wilma throws both tubes to Rena.

Rena catches one in her left hand on the other in the right at the
same time. She looks at the tubes.

Rena: Really?

Rena’s look up towards Wilma.

– Ben’s a ... ‘two tuber’?

Wilma: [smiling + amused] That’s what I said.

Both laugh.

Rena: Y’know, these tubes are not exactly king size, Wilma.
They’re more ... fun size.
Wilma: Then that’s lucky for you - else you wouldn’t have been
able to coin the epithet “two-tuber” just now.

Both are amused.

Rena: [amused with herself] I’ve another ... “Y’know” for you.
Wilma: Go on then, catch me out.
Rena: Y’know, you only needed to toss me one tube.
Wilma: [conceding the point] What can I say: I was in the
moment.

Wilma and Rena share the moment: mutually amused. They then
look into each other’s eyes.

Wilma looks away.

[pause - changing track] Now, let me tell you something: I

22
 Act 1, Scene 4 (7/7)

know Ben’s hard all day [to amuse Rena] – the darn pervert.

Rena is doubly amused: by the ‘pervert bit and the ‘darn’ bit. But
then Rena’s second reaction: the god-fearing ‘darn’ equivalent of
‘damn’ reminding her how Christian Wilma is.

[full of herself] But, it’s me making him hard. He lasted over

an hour before he ... [to amuse Rena, she puts on comical
sadness] ... wilted.

Rena is amused and impressed.

Wilma pours herself a drink during:

Rena (audience aside): Over an hour? – Perhaps I need to

re-evaluate. [determined] No. Ben is not the one.
Rena: [back to Wilma] Yes, but how do you really know he’s the
one? How do you know he’s not only in it for the sex? The hot
woman’s curse.
Wilma: [upset] “Hot woman’s curse”? What kind of shitty slick
thing is that to say to a friend? You’re always doing this. You
said a similar thing about the last guy. Just coz you can’t find
Mister Right.

Wilma realizes she may have gone too far.

Rena is torn but she manages to keep it contained.

Rena: It’s not that.

Wilma believes she is cognizant of Rena’s troubles.

LEFT SET CURTAIN DOWN

23
 Act 1, FNL 1 (‘Scene 4A’) (1/3)

4A: FOOTNOTE LADY

The curtain falls so the actress playing Rena can change into her
Power Girl costume for the next scene.

Footnote Lady (dressed as an asterisk*) walks on in a black

dressing gown and takes center stage and stands in front of a
black curtain. The sleeves are long enough to cover her hands
(which they should) and the ‘collar’ is high enough to cover her
neck (which it should).

* = Her ‘head’ is a white asterisk ie a whitened face within an

asterisk shaped head dress. This is to give the impression that the
actress is a talking asterisk with a face in the middle. It should
look a little bit like the “man in the moon” where a face is blended
in to the moon shape, but instead it’s a lady’s whitened face
blended into a white asterisk shape.

She tries to stick a 6 inch wide white asterisk sticker onto

something but there is nothing to stick it onto. She reluctantly puts
the sticker into her pocket.

FOOTNOTE LADY: Hi, I’m footnote. Some call me

“indulgence” or “crowbar” but I prefer “Footnote”. This gig is
much better than what I’m used to which is being squashed in a
book and hardly ever seeing the light of day ... or reading lamp.
In the next scene, Rena is wearing a Power Girl costume. Here
is some filler ... [correcting herself] ... ‘info’ ... on this curvy
caped crusader. Power Girl is Superman’s cousin. And she’s
also the bustier and better Earth Two [ie parallel universe]
grown-up version of the Earth One teen-age training-bra: Super
Girl. That’s the rationale comic-book artist Amanda Conner
used when she drew PG with bigger cups. That and Amanda
wanted to
24
 Act 1, FNL 1 (‘Scene 4A’) (2/3)

shift more issues off the comic-book shelves.

Footnote Lady takes off her black dressing gown [but does not
change her asterisk face] to reveal Amanda Conner’s version of
the Power Girl costume. Costume description is in the next scene.
You should also Google Image[v] ‘Power Girl A new beginning
Amanda Conner’.

[pause: gestures to her costume] Look at this costume of Power

Girl’s. Look at the plastic boots, leather gloves and the tight
neck collar. Fetishist? [feigned innocence] Never, not in a DC
comic. [pause] And not that you can see it from where you are,
but these Power Girl boots also have a tremendously grippy
tread ... and even a compass in the heel. [coming clean] OK, I
lied about that last bit: no compass.

She makes a gesture of annoyance [the sort that ends with a

clenched fist] with her right arm.

Darn it – would have been a nice touch. [pause] Now on to the

main reason for this footnote, apart from giving the thesps
enough time to ...

[realization] ... forget I said that. [forced smile] The main

reason for me being here is to talk about this “controversial”
costume and the various reasons for ... [gestures towards it] ...
this ‘cleavage window’. Let’s start with the current reason for
the hole, which is that Power Girl has a big gap here because
she’s undergoing an identity crisis and doesn’t know what to
put there in place of her cousin’s big “S”. Poignant but lame.
[pause] She could need the window to air out her big ...
sweaty ... rubbing against each other ... boobs. But that excuse
only

25
 Act 1, FNL 1 (‘Scene 4A’) (3/3)

works when it’s hot. [pause] One of the better explanations

[and that’s not difficult] is that it's a test to sort the gents from
the creeps because gentlemen glance not stare. However, I
believe this simpler explanation is better: Power Girl is a
woman and a lot of women like to look attractive - even when
it’s inappropriate to do so eg a smart female hospital doctor
should know that cleavage is for off-duty not whilst making
rounds. [realization] Oh dear, I don’t have one but if I had a
dad, a father footnote, I reckon I’d be sounding like him right
now re appropriate wear. [embarrassed] I better move on.
[pause] So in a nutshell, Power Girl is criticized for showing
some cleavage but few ask the more pressing question: “Why
does Superman wear his underpants on the outside?” [pause
for expected audience laugh] Yet again, it’s a woman [Power
Girl] who is the victim of a double standard. [pause] Here’s a
politically packed paragraph for you: as well as treating girls
like slaves by preventing them from learning to read and forcing
them into unpaid labor, the Taliban also objects to cleavage.
[pause] So that’s the best reason for the window as far as I’m
concerned: a big “BLEEP you!” to the Taliban - or any other
group informed by the same “ideology” to use the polite word
for it. Here’s a pointed rhetorical question to
end this footnote on: do you think they’d be less de facto
female slavery in ‘Country X’ if each member of the “weaker”
sex were packin’ an equalizing gun? [pause] I lied: I do have a
bit more. It’s best summed up by quoting Wilma. [as Wilma ie
in her accent] “I'll hand in my Glock when men hand in their
cocks. On 2nd thought; not even then. Good line, though.” [as
herself] The next scene is after this bottom line: not all women
can be as safe as Power Girl and that is why they should be
packin’ ... the ultimate female empowerment.

26
 Act 1, Scene 5 (1/5)

Footnote Lady walks off stage.

RIGHT SET CURTAIN UP:

5: INT. WILMA’S LOUNGE – DAY*

* = window painting turned to ‘day’.

Wilma: [on her mobile phone] Bye.

Wilma (wears new clothes ie the audience has not seen Wilma in
these clothes before) is sat on the middle of the sofa flanked by
Ben (wearing his red von Mises T-shirt) to her right and Rena to
her left.

Rena is dressed in a Power Girl costume that looks as close as

possible to Amanda Conner’s artwork of it i.e.

(1) Torso/top: a silvery (but non-reflective) skin-tight top with a

cleavage “window” (ie hole), high fetishist neck collar, tight
sleeves and high cut leg holes around the hips ala a bathing suit.
Thus her legs are bare.

(2) Cape: red cape with a gold strap and curved gold colored left
shoulder mount resembling a piece of armor.

(3) Gloves: blue leather gauntlet gloves with gold zips.

(4) Belt: red belt with a gold clasp around the waist.

(5) Boots: blue firm tread sure underfoot plastic boots (just under
knee) but with two gold buckles (per boot) and a built up heel.
Bottom line: the boots look kinky but practical – the sort a
feminine (but practical) lady farmer (& part time
27
 Act 1, Scene 5 (2/5)

fetishist) would wear.

Please make sure you Google Image ‘Power Girl by Amanda

Conner’ since actual images are better than any description.

Rena is also wearing her hair up like Power Girl’s alias: Karen
Starr - the style as drawn by Amanda Conner in her DC comic
artwork. Those that care about such things will realize that
Rena’s hair is too long to be Power Girl’s blonde bob so her hair
should be worn up like Karen Starr.

[as she ends the call and puts her mobile in her handbag]
[sighing] I have to pick something up from the post office and
pay the d... darn import tax.

Wilma stands up from the sofa. She turns to face Rena and Ben.

[elaborating] New zero tolerance policy: if I don’t pay today,

they’ll be impounded.

Ben: “They’ll”? What are they?

Wilma: Region 2 X-Bomber DVDs.
Ben: Yeah – you better go. This is Star Fleet we’re talking about
here.
Wilma: [angry] I told you not to call it that! It has nothing to
do with that utopian liberal socialist Star Trek crap! ... so it
shouldn’t be called Star Fleet.
Ben: Old habits die hard. It was called Star Fleet back in the UK.
Wilma: [annoyed] You’ve said. [sighs] Enough of this. I’ve got
to get going. I’ve got to pick up the [deliberate emphasis] X-
Bomber DVDs before the post office closes.
[half a contained smile] I’m sure you and Rena will be

28
 Act 1, Scene 5 (3/5)

able to kill an hour ‘til I get back.

Rena’s reaction.

[realization] In fact, ... [giving an order] Ben, I’ve got a little

task for you: while I’m gone, I want you to allay Rena’s fears
over ending the Federal Reserve.

Ben’s reaction.

Ben: OK.

Ben looks at Rena’s face.

Rena contains her amused reaction.

Wilma leaves.

LIGHTS DOWN* ON RIGHT SET:

* = the set is in as much darkness as is practical.

VOICE-OVER LADY (OVER P.A. SYSTEM): 10 minutes

later.

LIGHTS UP ON RIGHT SET

Ben and Rena are both sat on the sofa in the middle of a chat.

Rena puts her right index finger to Ben’s lips.

Rena: ... Enough, I get it. I subscribe to his Schiff Report

YouTube channel, remember.

29
 Act 1, Scene 5 (4/5)
Rena comes on comically strong to Ben. She puts her hand in his
groin and feels his crotch.

Ben: Whoa!

Ben gets up from the sofa startled.

Rena follows. Rena has Ben up against the wall. She puts his
hands on her bust.

What are you doing? Let go of me.

Rena: [incredulous] I know you want to. For instance, are you
really using all your manly strength to tear your hands away
from my girls?

Ben manages to pull them away.

Ben: I didn’t want to be too rough.

Rena: Rough? What like this?
Rena tares Ben’s T-shirt off!

Ben: [shocked] That’s my best von Mises T-shirt.

Rena’s positive reaction to Ben’s toned body.

Ben: Yes, I work out 3 times a week. Bloody knackering.

Rena: [amused] I know you find me attractive: you have a hard
on.
Ben: [comically protesting] No I don’t.

Rena grabs his crotch.

30
 Act 1, Scene 5 (5/5)

Yes, ok: I have. You’re well hot ... attractive ... but ...

Rena: But?
Ben: I’m with Wilma – she’s amazing.

Rena gives him a mean look.

I’m sure you’re amazing too ... and under different

circumstances ... I would gladly let you ravish me. It’s the sort
of thing I fantasize about. Hell – it’s the sort of thing I’d put in
one of my scripts. A good ravishing. But I’m with Wilma and
that’s that. And I don’t want to blow it.
Rena: [disappointed] Fine. [forces a smile] I hope you and
Wilma will be very happy together.
Ben: By the way, I’ve been wanting to ask but was afraid to. Why
are you dressed like that ... as Power Girl?
Rena: [reciting her planned excuse but not too obviously]
I'm about to go on a mission to beat up some baddies, bring
down the federal government for Wilma ... oh and I’ve got to
threaten to castrate that mustachioed lecherous hairy Sean
Connery look-a-like: Vartox, with a very hungry and very very
[“snappy” hand gesture] snappy ... crocodile.
[pause : feigned annoyance] Why do you think I'm dressed like
this? [pause: lying] I'm going...... to a fancy-dress party later
on. [more lying] It’s not for your benefit.
Ben: [believing her] I suppose that makes sense.

Rena’s reaction: she hides her inner struggle from Ben but not
from those in the audience with powerful opera glasses or front
row seats. No need to overact for those at the back.

RIGHT SET CURTAIN DOWN

Behind the curtain: Ben actor puts a blue (actually, any color
31
 Act 1, Scene 6 (1/2)

as long as it’s not red) von Mises T-shirt on.

Wilma actress enters and sits on the sofa with Ben actor.

Rena actress leaves then (off-stage during the next scene) gets her
Silver Suit (some very nice ones are sold on Amazon) on for the
(Act 1, Scene 7) meeting with Gordon Bénet.

VOICE-OVER LADY (OVER P.A. SYSTEM): Two hours later.

RIGHT SET CURTAIN UP

6: INT. WILMA’S LOUNGE – DAY*

* = window painting turned to ‘day’.

Wilma and Ben are sat on the sofa in mid conversation. To

reiterate, Ben is wearing his non-red von Mises T-shirt.

Ben: You gave me a ... Rena-resistance test? [feigns comic

disappointment] I knew it was too good to be true.

Wilma throws a cushion at Ben.

Wilma: Hey – you already have a ‘too good to be true’

girlfriend ... in me.

Ben: Sorry – joke.

Wilma: Anyhow, how come you aint ticked at being tested?
Ben: [smiling] Because I passed. Passed with an A+ distinction.
Wilma is amused.

32
 Act 1, Scene 6 (2/2) + Act 1, VOLOS 3 (‘Scene 6A’) (1/2)

Wilma: Now you get to read my screenplay.

Ben: [happy] I hope it’s good.

Wilma’s reaction.

[off Wilma’s stern reaction] I mean, erm, well. [pause]

I’m sorry. [pause - clarifying] You wrote it ... so it has to be
good.

Wilma’s reaction: apology accepted but still slightly annoyed.

Wilma: Yes and I’m expecting the studio to call any day now.

RIGHT SET CURTAIN DOWN

Behind the curtain: Time for Wilma actress to change into her
Sarah Palin Vice Presidential candidate 2008 debate suit and
skirt.

6A: VOICE-OVER LADY (ON STAGE)

VOLOS (Voice-Over Lady On Stage) walks onto stage with script

in hand.

VOICE-OVER LADY (ON STAGE): This isn’t the movie script.

It’s my script. The writer doesn’t want me to get any of the
nerdy details wrong. I’ll be quick but not too quick. Wilma has
to get changed for the next scene.
[realization] Forget I said that. Concentrate on this instead:
[reads from her script] “In order to help sell her screenplay,
Wilma has come up with three [not witty in her
opinion] ‘witty’ Hitch-hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy style
animated Guide Entries to outline the 3 various factions in her
story: The Barduns who have the ultimate biology, The
33
 Act 1, VOLOS 3 (‘Scene 6A’) (2/2) + Act 1, Scene 7 (1/6)

Communist Federation of Galaxies who have the ultimate

technology, and the godlike shape-changing energy beings
known as The Unknowns who have a monopoly on time travel,
the laws of time, and immortality. The “laws of time” bit
means no easy ending.”

VOLOS lowers her script down to thigh level to give a clear

indication she is no longer reading from it.

[reacts to what she’s read out] What a load of [stopping herself

from being vulgar] ... ‘nerdy’. I’m off.
[realization] Sorry, forgot. The next scene is a week later in
the office of ... [thought on him makes her smile and flushed]
gorgeous Gordon [does the French pronunciation]
Benét, the movie producer. [to and eye contacting the women
in our audience] Ladies, he’s real Magic Wand material.
[explaining] The Hitachi Magic Wand ... erm ... ‘Muscle
Massager’ – it puts the “ahhh” in Hitaaaaaaachi.
[realization] Sorry. Gotta get back on the Wand [greater
realization] ... back on ‘track’. [panics; says it quickly & points
to the left curtain] ‘A week later in Gordon’s office’.

She runs off stage.

The curtain rises. As it does ...

I can’t believe I said that.

LEFT SET CURTAIN UP:

7: INT. GORDON’S OFFICE – DAY*

* = Gordon’s window painting is turned to ‘day’.

34
 Act 1, Scene 7 (2/6)

It’s a minimalist office: landline phone on the desk which also has
a plugged-in laptop on it. On the floor (near the desk),
are a waste paper basket and 2 chairs (one in front, the other
behind the desk). Near the office door, there is a coat rack with a
lady’s raincoat on it. The coat is dry.

Standing up, Wilma wears a jacket and skirt that closely resembles
those two items worn by Sarah Palin in her 2008 Vice Presidential
Nominee Debate with Joe Biden. Wilma’s shoes are also a close
match to Sarah’s in that debate. Wilma is not wearing the same
hair but she is wearing eyeglasses. Good glasses.

Standing up, Rena is wearing the one-piece silver bathing suit*

that Nell McAndrew wore in the June 2001 UK edition of FHM
magazine. Rena is also wearing silver running shoes. FYI: Nell
did not wear such shoes. Although it doesn’t have a competitor
number on it, it looks like the sort of thing a publicity-savvy female
sprinter could wear. In a nutshell: it looks spacey and practical,
and is thus better than Jeri Ryan’s silver Seven of Nine costume
worn with unmotivated heels. Rena is wearing her hair in a
ponytail. She is wearing a hair-tie on her ponytail ie not like Lara
Croft’s braid.

* = There is an inexpensive silver catsuit on amazon.com [and/or

amazon.co.uk] as a second choice.
Sat at the desk, the suited Gordon is on the landline phone.

Gordon: [into the landline phone] [’Allo ’Allo strong but

clear French accent] I see the caterpillar has turned. [pause
while listens] Don’t correct my English idioms – you don’t
want to be on the ... delivery end of a racially-based law jacket,
do you? [listens] Don’t whimper – I

35
 Act 1, Scene 7 (3/6)

know you have a wife and children. I will call you tomorrow.

Wilma and Rena exchange glances re Gordon’s behavior.

Wilma ambles over to Gordon who is sat at his desk looking at a

laptop computer. She goes behind the desk with him. She is very
comfortable with the close contact but doesn’t over-do it.

Gordon is not one bit intimidated. He’s quite happy with their
manner.

Wilma gestures to Rena.

Wilma: [to Gordon] [already knowing the answer] So you like

Rena in her character’s spacey fighting costume?
Gordon: [whilst looking at Rena] I will admit that yes I do.

His eyes move quickly back to Wilma because his eyes are more
taken with her than Rena.

From the behind the desk stood next to Gordon, Wilma gestures to
the laptop screen.

Wilma: What’s more, you’ve seen the Federation’s fully

immersive cyberspace Fednet ... and I think ... it’s left an
impression. Maybe even quite a one.
Gordon: [looking at the laptop] It looks a bit like KDE to the
power of ten.
Wilma: [smiling] I was about to say that, myself. Now this
...[presses a button on the laptop’s keyboard] ... is the collective
unconscious: the unconscious of the Fednet. The real hell that
the Federation citizens live in. [not really asking a question]
Whose art better connects to the

36
 Act 1, Scene 7 (4/6)

collective unconscious than the greatest surrealist ever: H.R.

[prn: ‘Geeger’ – from horse’s mouth] Giger. May his
soul rest in peace. I already have a relationship with his
estate. [eyeing Gordon] People skills.

After a look of realization, Wilma goes into her handbag ...

Postcards from [prn: Geeger] Giger-land.

... and takes out 50 postcard sized HG Giger pictures. She spreads
a few of them on Gordon’s desk leaving the rest in a neat pile. She
gestures to the pictures.

Gordon picks one up and looks at it.

Gordon: I am familiar with his work. [looks at Wilma’s face]

And it is nice to hear an American pronounce his name
properly.

Wilma acknowledges his half compliment but her focus is on

selling her screenplay rather than judging Gordon.

Wilma: His designs in other movies have been criticized for lack
of realism but (in our movie) that doesn’t matter because the
collective unconscious doesn’t follow realism. This is the sort
of stuff that will be there. [points to the pictures] That type of
art doesn’t make sense in a realist
setting but the collective unconscious isn’t real in a corporeal
sense; it’s a nightmare. It will blow folks’ minds. We’ll use
other designers (alive ones) for the Federation
and Barduns. Here are the two guide entries I’ve done on them.
Barduns first.

Gestures towards the laptop on Gordon’s desk.

37
 Act 1, Scene 7 (5/6)

LIGHTS DOWN* ON LEFT SET

* = the set is in as much darkness as possible.

VOICE-OVER LADY: Dishy Gordon watches Wilma’s hour

long presentation in full. Then ...

LIGHTS UP ON LEFT SET

Gordon: [with a smile] It’s good your dialogue is more focused

than the way you speak.
Wilma: Well of course. I’m just a real person. I speak like a real
person. Like Sarah Palin; [proud of the fact] I’m authentic.

Gordon’s shocked reaction.

Wilma is amused by his reaction.

[amused] This is freshly minted thought you’re getting here.

This is natural wit.

Gordon: [amused] No kidding. [considering] You like to brush

your own teeth, don’t you.
Wilma reacts.

Wilma: [not a question] If I don’t, who will. To get anywhere in

this life, people need to self-promote ... but

just with the truth.

Gordon: We French have a similar attitude.
Wilma: [with a smile] I’ve noticed that. But getting back on point,
what I deal in is subtext. And untext. Untext being -

38
 Act 1, Scene 7 (6/7)

Gordon: [interrupting] I know what untext is, Wilma. Untext

is to the text [and subtext] what the unconscious is to the
conscious. The untext is authored where as the ‘read-in text’
which sits below it, isn’t. I've had my fill of film theory. The
studio made my go on some boring Robert McKee film course.
Look. After reading your script Wilma, I can see that
Vaysuhlan and The Barduns will do bustergangs at the
box-office. You have a great visual imagination and I’m taking
a big risk on you directing it. You have lots of action sequences
and it’s a sexy and funny screenplay. Especially with your
friend here playing Vaysuhlan. [to Rena] You have good
comic timing and the exact right look for this town.
Rena: [joking] [gestures to her bust] Also, I suppose my rack
helps.
Wilma: [jokingly to Rena] It’s more of a balcony you could do
Shakespeare off of.
Rena: [amused] I know. I have the “Don’t stare at my balcony” T-
shirt, remember?
Wilma: Oh yes: [amused, to him] Rena has quality quantities.
Gordon: Ladies, please. The movie. I am about to sum up: ...
[gestures to Rena] the studio head needs a screen-test from you,
Rena, [gestures to Wilma] and an animatic of every shot from
you, Wilma.
Wilma: I like folks who challenge me. Nothing patronizing in a
challenge.
Gordon: I like your attitude.
Wilma: It's all about giving you ... [subtly flirting] ... what you
want.

Rena notices Wilma’s flirting with Gordon.

What would you say if I told you that I've already done and
copyrighted the animatic?

39
 Act 1, Scene 7 (7/7) + Act 1, Scene 8 (1/5)

Gordon: I would say that makes you already better than most
directors ... if it's good.
Wilma: Failure to prepare is preparing to fail ... and I don't like to
fail, Gordon. The animatic is included in the USB stick. If you
have a look now you can see if my confidence is justified.

Gordon uses his laptop. He looks up at Rena.

Gordon: [to Rena] You can put your raincoat back on now.

Rena acknowledges him.

His eyes go back to the laptop.

Rena moves towards her coat.

LEFT SET CURTAIN DOWN

VOICE-OVER LADY (OVER P.A. SYSTEM): Months of

preproduction later*, Wilma is at home having just come back
from another high-powered studio meeting.

* = Thus why Wilma is in her Sarah Palin VP 2008 debate

costume again.

RIGHT SET CURTAIN UP

8: INT. WILMA’S LOUNGE – DAY*

Behind the curtain: from the start of this scene, redress LEFT set
as Ben’s bedroom. Remove desk, turn window painting to night,
bed added, Power Girl poster added to Ben’s wall.
* = make sure the window painting is turned to ‘day’.

40
 Act 1, Scene 8 (2/5)

Wilma is standing. Ben is sat on the sofa.

Wilma: Your get-up-and-go has got up and gone – you have less
energy and drive than a senior on weed.
Ben: What about your ...
Wilma: [interrupting] My weed? It doesn’t slow me down. My
marijuana is purely medicinal – how else is a constitutional
conservative gonna cope in Hollywood surrounded by all these
liberal idiots? Without weed, their Keynesianism and
unconstitutional views would make my head explode.
Yesterday, it took me 8 joints to calm down after someone (who
obviously never read Federalist Paper 41 in their life) stupidly*
cited the powerless “general welfare clause” as an enumerated
power. I went more ape-shit about it than Madison in said
Paper 41.

* = What seems like writer-directorial infringement of the

thespian’s delivery is actually a piece of character comedy: the
underline being Wilma’s comical strength of feeling on this
constitutional matter.

Ben: Really?
Wilma: Yes! Really. Then, this liberal idiot proceeded to criticize
Sarah Palin and her Austrian School economics. I was
infuriated! So I decked her then ran away. So that lead to the 8
joints ... and I had to reach for the extra strong
strains. [annoyed] I’ve got none left now. [pause] The point,
Ben, is that I’ve had enough. I’m not putting up with it
anymore. And you’re part of that. I’m in the mood to deliver a
few home truths. You’re a slacker – no true conservative is a
slacker.

Ben reacts.

41
 Act 1, Scene 8 (3/5)

And another thing: you wearing two pairs of underpants at the

same time does not speak well of your confidence level. The
US is not a two pairs of underpants type of country. We’re
bold.
Ben: There’s no need to bring that up. [considering] I know what
the problem is: you’re not angry at me; your angry at
yourself: ... deep down you know you’re selling out by letting
them lobotomize the intelligence from your script. You’ve
written soliloquies in there better than Shakespeare but you’re
willing to sacrifice them on the altar of success. You’re selling
yourself short.
Wilma: You really love playing the ‘artistic integrity’ martyr –
you will never be successful Ben, coz deep down you don’t
want to be. You think you’re too good and too smart for the
industry. So every time you can’t sell; every time one of your
scripts is rejected, you see that as a vindication of your genius.
Yet again, too smart to sell. They can’t
[does an impression of him and his English accent]
“comprehend the levels” [back to her Texan accent] upon which
you work. Just sit there and wallow in your genius while I get
out there and actually make a successful career for myself. I bet
that’s it, isn’t it? That I’m successful and you’re not. That’s
what it comes down to in the end. After all, you are an envious
enneagram Type 4. Originality above all else. Your greatest
fear is ... being ordinary.

Ben reacts.

All you do is talk a good game – you’re all hat and no cattle -
you’re just a lazy loser.

Ben reacts.

I think it’s time for you to leave.

42
 Act 1, Scene 8 (4/5)

Wilma gestures towards the door.

Ben reacts.

Ben: [in shock] OK.

Ben gets up from the sofa then walks over towards the door.

Wilma follows.

Ben opens the door.

Wilma: You have your own apartment.

Ben turns to Wilma.

Give me a call when you’ve actually sold a script. Tough love,

Ben. Tough love. You need this if there’s ever gonna be a
“we” again. You need to fulfill your potential and prove you’re
not just a lazy loser. So for the time being ... BLEEP off.

Ben reacts. Ben steps through the open doorway. He is now

behind the curtained off Far Right Set Area and thus our audience
cannot see him.

Wilma shuts the door on him.

Behind the curtain: Ben actor gets into his PJ top then gets into
bed in the left set.

Wilma on the other side of the door.

Wilma (soliloquizing): Hope I’ve done the right thing. I must

43
 Act 1, Scene 8 (5/5) + Act 1, Scene 9 (1/2)

have sounded like a real harsh bitch. [pause: upset but

determined] I gotta get more extra strong strains. [realization]
I shouldn’t have mentioned the underpants. That was a low
blow. [considering] His confidence is ... hard but brittle. Hard
in some areas; brittle in others.
[rationalizing] But a kick up the ass is what’s best for Ben. He
needs a mental recession to cure him of his mental ...
“imbalances”. Painful ... but it has to happen. [self-critical &
upset] What a bad metaphor. I’m better than that. [looking
down into prayer] Lord ...

RIGHT SET CURTAIN DOWN

VOICE-OVER LADY (OVER P.A. SYSTEM): Ben goes back

to his place, thinks “What would Friedrich Hayek do?” then
decides [days later] to knock on Wilma’s door which he then
does but Wilma doesn’t answer it; a half robed Gordon does
instead. And when Ben hears Wilma’s voice from inside saying
“Who is it honey?”, Ben legs it realizing what has happened.
She did the right thing as far as I’m concerned ’cause Gordon is
an absolute dish. Anyway, Ben is at present in bed reading
‘Writing the Romantic Comedy’ by Billy Mernit.

LEFT SET CURTAIN UP

9: INT. BEN’S BEDROOM – NIGHT*

* = make sure the window painting is turned to ‘night’ and the

Power Girl (Amanda Conner version) poster is on the wall.

In his PJs, Ben is sat up in bed reading ‘Writing the Romantic

comedy’ by Billy Mernit.

44
 Act 1, Scene 9 (2/2)

Ben: [realization] [to himself] That’s it.

Ben looks up into the audience.

Ben (piece to audience): I was simply going to write a bog

standard romantic comedy of the sort that’s in this book, ... but
now I’m going to write a rom-com with a dash of meta.
[emotional pause] It’s going to be about me and Wilma.
[laughing] After all, I do feel like I’m in a rom-com: for
example the way I met Wilma was definitely one of those
‘wacky’ “cute meets” you tend to get in rom-coms where the
male and female leads meet each other in a unique, quirky and
oh so interesting way. [wondering] Though I’m not quite sure
what our Billy Mernitian ‘dueling incompletes’ are. [amused]
I’ll skip that bit and hope the audience doesn’t feel
psychologically short changed.
[breaking off the humor] I miss Wilma. Well, at least in fiction,
I can get her back. I simply need an ending that works and is
believable. [upset] An ending that I can believe in. I think I’ll
call the screenplay “Wilma, Rena, and 3 Guide Entries”. Oh
yes, I’ll use her Guide Entries in it. I know how proud she is of
them. If she sues me, I’ll be left in no doubt where I stand with
her. At least, I’ll know.

LEFT SET CURTAIN DOWN

45