DESIGNING A MEDIATION: first draft for a sensible conflict

(Marcelo Alexandrino da Costa Santos)

I. Why mediation?

The conflict I discussed happened between an ex-wife and her ex-husband. The latter claimed
to have been exploited as an employee of the first during the time of their marriage and
intended to be indemnized for that. Designing a mediation process would be totally
adequate, as the conflict involved two parties only.

II. Three open questions I'd pose for the parties:

1. Can you help me to understand the nature of the relationship you two had since you got
married?

2. Can you please describe what, if any, were the distinguishing power factors between you
guys?

3. What did you love in your marriage before you guys broke up?

III. Power dynamics:

Since the ex-husband himself was claiming to have been put into a relationship of
subordination along the marriage, one of the key points for the mediator to be aware of would
be who expressed more power during the mediation and how could that affect the whole
process, including the agreement phase. The power relationship should be well observed so
that an agreement could meet two of the features listed by Kraybill et al. - balanced and
proactive.

IV. What would naturally come to me:

How empowered each party felt during marriage, both in relation to external relationships and
before their partner.

Mutual frustrations, both as individuals and as a couple, during marriage.

V. Difficulty in the role of mediator:

Keeping a no-judgemental approach to this kind of conflic would be truly difficult for me. Also,
keeping an emotional distance from the deep feelings involved in a case like that would be a
true challenge.

VI. Challenge related helping people to really hear one another:

Most of the time, people are much more interested in speaking than in talking. When a conflict
involves a relationship as deep as marriage, keeping the parties grounded and truly aware of
what's being said by the other, instead of absort in their own hurt feelings, seems to require a
tremendous effort from everyone involved in the process.