“Islam has raised the status of woman from below the earth to so high that paradise lies

at her feet.”

I was young when I fell in love and agreed to be married to the man whom I thought I’d

spend my whole life with. It was not a happy wedding but we got by. I was head over heels in love

with him that I disregarded all the red flags in our relationship. I became a mother and my love did

not only doubled but tripled that I never thought I was capable of giving that much love. And much

to our dismay, that man left us with nothing but a broken heart and a hole in my pocket after almost

two years of marriage. I did everything to save us and the relationship we fought hard for that I

almost lost my sanity, my career, my family, and my daughter in the process but it was all in vain.

It is not easy to be divorced by the man whom I once wanted to grow old with, and met

him the next day and all the days after. Yes, he is my officemate and I cannot hope for a more

painful situation than ours. It is difficult to forget a man you barely see and what more for a man

you see every single day.

Being a single mother is never an easy job because I have to do both the roles of a mother

and a father to my daughter. And as a single mom, I can never avoid being stigmatized by the

society because of my situation. Everyday, I have to face all the judgments and hearsays, and

pretend that everything is okay. I suffer emotionally and mentally but I have no choice but to hide

it as much as I can which is unfortunately, my weakest point. I never thought I’d be that woman

who would hide in the restroom to cry then cover all the tear marks with make-up. My paranoias

overwhelmed me that I might see my ex-husband with other woman, and I do not know how I

would take all the pain if it happens. I was terrified to open up because I was told many times that

nobody believes me and I was only inviting more ill-judgments. I didn’t even know whom to trust
anymore. So, I decided to isolate myself and my baby for many months, and lost more than 10

kilos after five months of isolation.

During those darkest moments, I had to fight my anxiety with sleeping pills to kill all the

sadness away with just sleep. Family and friends would tell me that he was not worth all my tears

but I didn’t listen. I prayed and prayed for everything to go back to how it was before but God

never listened to me. I was raging mad also that I could not let him see my baby even though he

sees us everyday in the office because I had been taking my baby to work since she was six months

old. It was hopeless but I was still hopeful that nothing could dissuade me from trying to save my

family. And it was when I almost tasted death that I woke up with realization of what I had done

with my life just because a man left us for the world. One night, I was so depressed that I woke up

and I could barely move a limb. I was paralyzed with fear because I could not feel my hands nor

my legs. I thought I was dying or that it was just some nightmares again but it wasn’t. I was

moaning in pain and crying to God not to end my life because my baby has only me alone and that

she needs me. I was crying the entire night, reading all the Qur’an verses I know, reciting the

shahadah until I fell asleep. I woke up late in the morning that I had to skip work, I still had some

numbness left in my hands and face but still grateful to God that I am still alive. It was never an

easy journey because I still have those paranoias and fears in me until now but I have to do

something because I cannot forever grieve for someone who left his family.

I did everything baby steps because recovery doesn’t happen overnight. I reconnected to

my family and went out with friends again. I invited the idea of physical exercise in order to divert

myself. I looked for new hobbies, and even transferred to a new apartment for a change of

environment. I could not afford all of this before but with faith, I did. Unlike other single mothers,

I didn’t have a strong support system, and struggled financially. I was scared to ask for help for
fear that people around might scrutinize me. I almost did everything on my own and barely asked

for anybody’s help. Literally, it was just me and my baby against the world. Before, I would always

tell myself that I would not survive this but here I am writing this essay. I once took my baby to

the hospital on my own while carrying three big bags. Doctors and nurses were surprised to see

me alone, and I had to fight the tears from streaming down on my face because I had to be strong

for my baby, and I could not afford to break down at that moment. For a couple of nights we spent

there, I had lots of thoughts of how big a responsibility it is to take care of a child and to give her

the life she deserves. It was energy-draining and extremely depressing to think of not having

someone to share all those pains with but I had no choice but to do all of those alone. For five days

in a week every month, I had to wake up early to ready me and my baby for work. It was never

easy juggling work and babysitting in the office but I did survived, Alhamdulillah.

I had not performed very well at work that even though nobody had raised their complaints,

I very well know that I had performed poorly for many months. I had to start to square one and I

feel like a newbie again. One of the many things I regretted is that I barely asked for help when in

fact it was not wrong and shameful at all to ask for some people I could trust to lend me a hand.

Also, I had to sacrifice the lifestyle I was used to when I was still married but that doesn’t mean I

have to change myself.

I did not ask to be a single mother but I have to face the reality of this. The role I am playing

is not just some any job where I can file a resignation and quit to look for a better one. Everyday,

I have to face the pressure and expectation of the people around me. I am always terrified of making

the wrong move which invites people to give their ill-opinions of what a bad mother I am. I thought

of all the single mothers out there who may be experiencing what I had gone through and that they

could not turn to anyone so why could not there be an organization or a group to take care of those
single mothers like me for who knows that they might have suffered more. In our Muslim

community, it is considered a taboo to open up about your issues because people would say that it

is better to keep them hidden because Allah (swt) will reward you more for such action, and thus,

the isolation of the Muslim single mothers. Non-Muslim single mothers are entirely different from

Muslim single mothers because there are boundaries that keep us from growing. And, we even

have to suffer from evil men who would prey and look down on us because our value in the

marriage market had dropped. People should be there to offer help, sit with, and advice these

women.

I, on the other hand, am so grateful that I am slowly recovering from all the traumas that

my marriage and divorce had given me. I do not find being a single mother as a punishment from

Allah (swt) but a reminder that He has something better prepared for me and that I have to

strengthen my faith. There are all the ups and downs but mostly ups if we keep on being positive

about our situation. I believe that it is an honourable job to raise children as single mothers and

we, single moms, have to take pride on it because the men who left us could not do a better job

than what we had done for our children.