TRUE SELF - SHAME, TRAUMA, NARCISSISM, &

YOUR TRUE SELF

Presented by David Tian, Ph.D.
www.davidtianphd.com
 TOXIC SHAME

• Underlying source of depression, alienation, self-

doubt, isolating loneliness, paranoid and schizoid
phenomena, compulsive disorders, splitting of the
self, perfectionism, low self-esteem, deep
unworthiness, borderline personality disorders,
narcissistic personality disorders
 HOW TOXIC SHAME WORKS
• Unconditional love and acceptance of self is the hardest task

• Refusal to accept our Original Self, so we try to create more powerful

False Selves (or we give up on life)

• Which results in lifetime of cover-up, secrecy, hiding

• Which is the root cause of human suffering

• Solution: Total self-love and self-acceptance

• The only foundation of lasting happiness and love of others

OUR PSYCHOLOGICAL BIRTH
• 6-36 months: Child tests boundaries

• Guilt vs. Shame

• Guilt: That was bad/wrong

• Shame: I am bad/wrong

• Crushing the toddler’s autonomy and purposeful will is the most damaging form of
shaming that can be done

• When autonomy is crushed, toxic shame is manifested either as over-conformity or

rebellion against authority

• Child’s drive for separateness and autonomy now bound by shame

 SHAME AS FALSE SELF
• Neurotic Shame triggered by exposure of self to self, so escape from self
necessary

• Accomplished by creating False Self

• Original Self goes in hiding psychologically

• Neurotic Shame is core motivator of super achiever and the under achiever,
the star and the scapegoat, the righteous and the rebel, the powerful and the
pitiful

• Neurotic Shame is the essence of Codependency because Shame is rupture

of Original Self into a False Self. With False Self, no true intimacy possible
 SHAME AND NARCISSISM
• Narcissistic Personality Disorder is characterized by
grandiosity, extreme self-involvement, lack of empathy
for others, the pursuit of others to obtain admiration
and approval

• Underneath this external facade is an emptiness

filled with envy and rage

• Its core is Internalized Shame

 SHAME & RE-ENACTMENT

• Reenactment: Offender was once victimized

similarly to how he criminalizes

• Identification with the aggressor

 SOURCES OF SHAME
• The Family System

• Toxic Shame is multigenerational

• Impossibility of Intimacy

• Manipulation, withdrawing, blaming, denial, idealization,

repression, dissociation, confluence (agreement never to
disagree) which leads to pseudo-intimacy

• We cannot heal what we cannot feel

 DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY
RULES
• 1. Either Complete Control or Complete Chaos

• 2. Perfectionism or Chaos (Always be right in everything you do or at least in your

externalized image… or no rules at all)

• 3. Blame

• 4. The “No Talk” Rule ( No one speaks of true feelings, like loneliness or depression)

• 5. The “No Listen” Rule

• 6. Don’t Make Mistakes

• 7. The Distrust Cycle (Don’t trust, so you’ll never be disappointed)

 TOXIC PARENTING RULES
• Alice Miller

• 1. Adults are the masters of the dependent child

• 2. Adults determine what is right and wrong

• 3. The child is responsible for the parents’ feelings

• 4. Parents should always be shielded

• 5. The child’s autonomy poses a threat to the adult

• 6. The child’s will must be “broken” as soon as possible

• 7. All this must happen at a very early age so the child “won’t notice” and will thus not be
able to expose the adult
 ABANDONMENT TRAUMA
• Abandonment not just physical absence

• Also emotional: stroke deprivation, narcissistic

deprivation, fantasy bonding, neglect of developmental
dependency needs, family system enmeshment

• Many high achievers driven by deep-seated chronic

depression because their True Selves shamed
through Abandonment in childhood
 CARETAKER SHAME
• What the shame-based parent was unable to find in her own
parent, she forces in her own children

• By supplying his shame-based parent’s narcissistic gratification,

child secures love and sense of being needed and not abandoned

• Child takes care of parents’ needs instead

• Abandonment: No one to parent the child’s feelings and drives

and nurture child’s needs. Loss of sense of self.
 FANTASY BOND
• Child denied experience of connecting with his own emotions is made
dependent on his parents through internal identification

• Child loses sense of own real needs and is alienated from self

• Parents out of touch with own emotions cannot model these emotions
for their children

• Child has illusion (fantasy) of connection; actually, he is fused and

enmeshed

• Entrapment rather than relationship

 EMOTIONS AS CORE POWER
• Emotions always tell us something important

• Shame warns us not to try to be more or less than human. Shame signals our essential
limitations.

• Anger is energy that gives us strength

• Sadness is energy we discharge in order to heal

• Fear releases an energy that warns us of potential danger

• Guilt is our moral shame and guards conscience

• Joy is the exhilarating energy that comes from all our needs being met

• etc….
 DISOWNED SELVES AND
FEELING CONVERSIONS
• In internalizing shame, vital parts of our self are disowned

• But these still need expression

• Feeling Conversion: We convert what is forbidden/shameful, such as anger, into an

acceptable feeling

• Example: Child is furious mother promised ice cream but she’s now backing out.
Child’s anger triggers mom’s own anger toward her own parents. Mom is terrified
of anger, her own or anyone else’s. Since this anger is bound in shame, she stops
herself from feeling this shame by shaming her child. After she’s angry, she tells him
how hurt she is when he’s angry at her. She begins to cry to convert her anger
into sadness, which she learned as a little girl was an effective Feeling Conversion.
 SHAME & PROJECTION

• Handle one’s shame by attributing it to others

• If my own anger is disowned, I may project it onto

you. I may ask you why you are angry.
 SECONDARY EGO DEFENSES

• Automatic and unconscious

• Saved your life. But now are the preservers of

shame.
• Inhibition

• e.g., inhibiting your muscles for dancing, you guard against experiencing the shame

• Reactive Formation

• Rigid and inappropriate kindness ensures one won’t be cruel and can thus avoid
the feeling of shame

• Undoing

• Elaborate rituals to prevent you from the feelings, thoughts, or behavior that one
you fear will cause shame

• Turning Against Self

• E.g., nail biting, head beating, accident proneness, self-mutilation, self-sabotaging

financially or socially… to deflect perceived hostile aggression from another
person
 CREATION OF FALSE SELVES

• Because we experience ourselves as flawed and

defective, we cannot look at ourselves without
pain, so we must create a false self

• aka, “persona,” “the mask,” “the adapted child,”

etc.
 RECAP
• Toxic Shame

• Shame vs. Guilt

• Psychological Birth

• Creation of the False Selves

• Narcissism

• Abandonment

• Disowned Selves