AAAH Empowering Strategies & Quiz

AFFIRMING, ACTIVE listening, ASKING questions, and HINTING or HUMOR

exercise 1agency to unbalance or disrupt dominance behavior.
Adapted from Bully Proof, Empower Yourself without Overpowering Others, 2020
A. AFFIRMING kills cruelty with kindness by finding something to validate in hostile words or
the person who makes them. They are spoken in an authentic (not sarcastic), engaging tone that
activates the bonding hormone oxytocin and inhibits stress reactions.
1) Admit: Yes I was (might have been)…. Use to end a disagreement or accusation
2) Agree (in fact or theory): May be I could be more…. Is that so?
3) Appreciate: Thanks for… (name verbal behavior); Good to know.
4) Admire antagonist or yourself; reframe bad behavior as something good
 You’re a good…who… (name desired outcome).
 You’re such a good…, I’m amazed you’re…
 So you realize that I’m… (admire yourself)
 You’re very … (bold, honest) to…
 Faux compliment: admiring or appreciating a behavior that is not currently present in
order to promote it or “speaking it as you want it”: Thank you for your patience.

B. ACTIVE listening prevents “absorbing” hostile verbiage by reflecting aggressors’ words

back to them in a slower, pleasant “oxytocin voice.” The attackers are thrown off balance by
feeling understood or hearing themselves. Generally useful when adversaries are truly angry.
5) Echo (repeat exact key words): by saying, Let me make sure I understand…you’re saying….
This requires tremendous concentration that calms the listener and prevents boredom or tuning
out. The adrenalin faucet in attackers is down-regulated. Interrupts monologues.
6) Rephrase as accurately as possible: Are you saying…? It sounds like you have issues.
7) Empathy uses guesses to name the feeling content of what others are saying including their
needs, wants, and desires: It sounds like you are feeling…and would like…. Accurately naming
others’ emotions promotes horizontal brain integration by using left-brain word processing
to identify right-brain emotions. It also makes use of the refractory period (the length of time
when people cannot take in information that does not match their feelings).
8) Validation explains how others’ feelings make sense: I understand how you feel… because….
9) Sympathy comes from the Greek “with pathos” or feeling, implying being moved by or in tune
with another person. It’s hard for you when…
10) Narrating uses verbs that name verbal behaviors: Are you accusing me of…, blaming me
for…, trying to convince me to…? Puts people in a bind of agreeing or stopping their attack.

C. ASKING questions requires aggressors to think deliberately and even deters mental
errors. Curiosity runs on dopamine that brings blood to the forebrain and down-regulates the
amygdala (anger center). Questions empower the asker (and the attacker) when they yield
information (or insight) of the:
11) Purpose or cause of an attack—Are you saying that because…? How will my answer help
you …? Use before answering unwanted questions.
12) Desired outcome—What are you wanting to happen? Use with criticism.
13) Specifics—What do you mean by…? Use when you don’t understand the offender’s point.
14) Willingness or ability to understand—Do you (want to) know why I …? Use instead of
explaining or defending yourself and to evoke curiosity in others.
Note: Hidden questions are statements that do not require answers—I wonder if you are

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Agency: taking action that shows self-control, free choice, independence, and realistic expectations.
 trying to…
D. HINTS embed suggestions after a pause (…) to bypass opponent’s verbal centers & seed
new ideas.
15) Bind offers a false choice: Do you want to … (acceptable option) or … (acceptable option).
16) Double binds offer a forced choice by following a desired outcome with a reflexive behavior or
yes/no answer that implies compliance When you… (desired outcome), you can…(automatic
response): Do you know how you will… (desired outcome)?
17) Implied directives suggest an easy way to show agreement or change: When you realize that
your words are hurtful, you can glare at me.
18) Paired opposites: describe a negative mindset or behavior first to limit it and then focuses on
the positive end of the polarity: Don’t stop… until your start to…
19) Power words focus attention, promote or block the action following it, or nullify preceding
information—dare, try, but, now
20)Predictions presume that something is going to happen and then speculate on when that
might occur: Will you… (suggestion) in …, …, or… (time frames).
21) Random associations disrupt the flow of content, catching the intentional (conscious) mind
off guard. New behaviors or thoughts are accepted in order to fill the void.
22) Serial Suggestions identify an easy or currently occurring behavior and link it to a harder
task: After you finish (current behavior) … you can... (desired outcome).
23) Truism a statement of fact followed by a desired outcome. Many people… , so I expect you
will….
24) Utilization encourages unwanted behavior in order to reverse it: It’s good that you are …
(current behavior), because I don’t know if you can … (desired outcome).

E. HUMOR makes something awful sound silly. Building tension and suddenly releasing it
with the unexpected causing a chain reaction of rewarding dopamine and joyful endorphins.
25) Creating a gap between real and comic reality: I’m sure dying will be the last thing I do.
26) Mixing truth and pain: This isn’t an office, it’s hell with florescent lights.
27) Clashing context that connects two incompatible things: Thanks for being deceptively honest
or honestly deceptive.
28) Comic rule of threes: two closely associated items are followed by a random idea—I’ve
got cleavage, sexy perfume, and Girl Scout badges.
29) Clang associations: connect words on the basis of their sound v. content: Please keep giving
me a hard time because I’ve lost my credit card and leotard in the grave yard

QUIZ: What is the best strategy to use in each of the following scenarios?
1. When hostility is driven by anger? B.6 – B.10.
2. When people are being cruel for no apparent reason? A.3, A.4
3. When you want to put an end to a disagreement or accusation? A.1, A.2, B.10
4. When dealing with long-winded people who over-talk you? B.5
5. When you realize it is useless to try to get your point across? B.5 – 10
6. When you don’t want to absorb hostility or negativity from others? B. 5-10
7. When people are asking inappropriate questions that you don’t want to answer? C.11
8. When people are being critical? C.12
9. When you’re having trouble responding to hostile verbiage because it doesn’t make sense? C.13
10. When others are putting you on the defensive and are not likely to consider explanation? C.14
11. When others are not likely to answer your question? C. Note
12. When people are rigid and unlikely to consider any of your ideas. D.15 – D.24.
13. When situations are tense or when people are hostile for no apparent reason. E.25 – E.29