12 COMPLEX ISSUES IN CHILD CUSTODY E V A L U A T I O N S

children. Many of these parents may be quickly involved in a new relationship

and are insensitive to their children's feelings about this new relationship.
Rather than recognize that their children may have their own feelings about their
new partner, they are quick to blame the other parent for the children's feelings.
Blame is common for these parents.
In exploring the history of the relationship between these parents and their
children, evaluators often find that there is a general absence of a quality
relationship in the formative years of development. There is a superficiality to
the relationship caused by years of neglect or a history in which the other parent
was truly the "primary parent" in the marital relationship. These parents may
show up for the "Kodak moments," but they do so in a more self-centered way,
often for their own enjoyment and interest rather than to participate with their
children. These parents may report active involvement in activities such as
coaching the children's sports, yet, on further exploration, the children often
felt pushed into these activities and distant from their parent-coach. Often, these
parents are not even that interested in the child after the divorce. They claim
alienation primarily as a way of continuing the control and blame that they
exhibited during the marriage. For these parents who are claiming alienation
but are more likely to be the cause of the rift with their children, evaluators
should look for indicators such as defensiveness, control, externalization of
blame, self-centeredness, and superficiality.
As evaluators understand all of the alienated parent's dynamics, they can
more objectively understand the nature of the alienation and related allegations.

The Children

Perhaps the most critical part of an evaluation in which allegations of

alienation occur is the understanding of the children. Kelly (1997) observed that
most children who become a party to the alienation process are in the age range
of 7 to 15 years. It appears that many child variables contribute to whether or
not they become entangled in the alienation behaviors of their parents. These
variables may include the child's temperament, ego functioning, prior relation­
ships with each parent, immediate reaction to the separation of his or her
parents, and general level of anxiety and distress. When evaluating these
children, the evaluator is going to be looking at all of these factors. In evaluating
the nature of the child's current relationship with each parent, he or she needs
to understand whether

• the child's alignment with one parent is the result of shared interests,

• there is a history of problems in the child's relationship with either parent,

• the child loves both parents and has little or no preference between the parents,
Alienation and Alignment of Children 13

• the child is being alienated from one parent largely because of the actions of the
alienating parent, or

• the child is alienated from one parent because of that parent's own actions and
lack of ability to understand or improve the relationship with the child.

As with the adults, these children fall along a continuum. Questions directed
toward the children are designed to help the evaluator understand the nature and
severity of the child's negative feelings toward the alienated parent. One clue to
suggest that the child is being alienated is if the child uses words that are identical
to those of the alienating parent. Another indicator of alienation is when the child
expresses moral indignation and outrage that seems more appropriate for a
parent. Similarly, if the child uses absolute statements, such as "always" or
"never," when criticizing the other parent, this is a clue that alienation is
occurring. Statements such as the following would suggest that alienation is
occurring:

"Things have been terrible since he left us."

"He's always mean to us."

"I can't believe she left us for that jerk."

"He used to be nice, but now he's always with her (the new girlfriend)."

On the other hand, some children tell very moving stories of how they have
not liked or have been fearful of the alienated parent for a long time. They can
give specific details of abuse, angry behavior, and so on, prior to separation.
These children often feel relieved when their parents divorce because they are
now free of those problems. The differential understanding will come from the
child's clear account of inappropriate behavior, the detachment in the relation­
ship, and a convincing sense of real problems (as opposed to the moral indigna­
tion of the alienated child).
When an evaluator listens to the children in those cases in which the child is
detached from the alienated parent, there is little evidence that these children
are put in the middle by the alienating parent. Rather, there is a sadness to these
children, who wish (or may have wished in the past) for a different quality to
the relationship with the alienated parent. Many of these children have observed
significant spousal abuse during the marriage or have observed one parent being
controlling and hostile to the other parent. It is the sadness and ambivalence
about the lack of a relationship that are one of the key differential indicators
that these children, though certainly aligned with one parent, are not being
alienated.